Bill Belichick has accomplished a ton throughout the course of his Hall of Fame coaching career, including 211 regular-season wins, an NFL-record 21 postseason victories and three Super Bowl titles. But on Saturday afternoon, he delivered his magnum opus.
Though Belichick’s press conferences are infamous for being monotonous and mundane, his presser on Saturday was anything but.
After arriving over a half hour late to his own impromptu press conference, an uncharacteristically combative and defiant Belichick took to the podium to defend himself and the entire Patriots organization from the media members that had gathered in the hope of getting to the bottom of the greatest pre-Super Bowl scandal of the 21st century.
Before we go any further, let’s be clear on something. The Patriots probably did purposely cheat and should be punished accordingly if they did. However, the level to which DeflateGate (or Ballghazi if you prefer) has been blown out of proportion is staggering, even by ESPN’s lackluster standards. Yes, Belichick is a Machiavellian evil genius that like to push the envelope on what he can and can’t do, but let’s not turn this into a national tragedy. The hot takes have been scorching, but it’s time to give it a rest. Anyway, I digress.
Upon reaching the podium, Belichick immediately channeled his inner Bill Nye the Science Guy, regaling us with a story about how he’s spent the last few days learning as much as he could about the process of football inflation and preparation.
"I've handled dozens of balls over the past week" — Bill Belichick
— Brian Floyd (@BrianMFloyd) January 24, 2015
Thanks to his newfound knowledge of the topic, Belichick declared that he believes “100 percent” that he “personally, and we as an organization, have followed every rule to the letter.”
It was then that Belichick went into details about the findings of his study, bringing us into the Twilight Zone and blowing up Twitter along the way.
i love belichick so much i don't even care
— Lana Berry (@Lana) January 24, 2015
“The atmospheric conditions as well as the true equilibrium of the ball is critical to the measurement.” — Belichick
— Around The NFL (@AroundTheNFL) January 24, 2015
This is… incredible. Bill Belichick made an in-depth study of footballs. And is telling us all about it. This will be on the test, guys.
— Ian Rapoport (@RapSheet) January 24, 2015
Dude just talked about how "vigorous rubbing" "stimulates something inside the ball" and left. God bless America
— Pablo S. Torre (@PabloTorre) January 24, 2015
Hell, the man even dropped a “My Cousin Vinny” reference along the way:
After finishing up his comments on the matter (which lasted nearly 17 minutes), Belichick fielded questions and continued to stray far from his usually stoic, calculated responses. Instead, he responded with a level of snark that would make Gregg Popovich proud.
And Bill Belichick relitigates Spygate! This is wonderful.
— Bruce Arthur (@bruce_arthur) January 24, 2015
Forget footballs. That was a man defending everything he has ever accomplished.
— Tom Pelissero (@TomPelissero) January 24, 2015
Of course, all good things must come to and end, and this glorious press conference was no exception. If Tom Brady’s presser Thursday caused Mark Brunell to have to choke back tears, I can only assume Belichick’s surreal tour de force left him curled up in the fetal position, weeping uncontrollably.
If you haven’t watched the entire 22-minute press conference (and you definitely want to), it can be found here.