There are lots of interesting, Midwest sports specific posts I could be writing right now. Cliff Lee may get traded to Philly and be out of the White Sox hair for the foreseeable future. SportsbyBrooks has a great story about what Mark Buehrle is doing for Dewayne Wise to thank him for saving his perfect game. For crying out loud, this story at least deserves some mention on a site that has previously proclaimed its pride in this, doesn’t it?

But no, rather than expound upon those compelling stories I am about to indulge in what I can only describe as a self-masochistic flight of nightmarish fancy.  Why?  I guess the best explanation I can give is that sometimes as bloggers we don’t write the stories…they just kind of write themselves. (At least that is the excuse I will use to rationalize what you are about to read.)

It all started about a half hour ago when, after eating lunch here at the office, I decided to shirk a few of the day job responsibilities to write a post here at MSF.  And I didn’t feel like simply taking a hot story and adding my own personal second-hand commentary about it.  I wanted to do something stupid, unnecessary, and lame different, original, and unique. And I wanted it to somehow revolve around White Sox savior rookie Gordon Beckham.

I’m not sure what exactly prompted me to want to write about Beckham, although I’m sure it had something to do with the short debate I got into earlier with a few of the Texas Rangers fans who also inhabit our offices. Basically, they said that they wouldn’t trade Elvis Andrus straight up for Beckham. I said they were fools and would, but just wouldn’t admit it, and then uttered a few of my usual derogatory statements about them just being desperate Rangers fans who are drunk with giddiness at finally being able to watch July baseball games that have some meaning.

Of course, I was right on all fronts.

Anyway, I wanted to write about Gordon Beckham, and I remembered seeing a picture of him a few days ago after which a thought flashed into my head that his tightly coiffed blonde hair made him somewhat resemble my childhood hero Zack Morris. So I thought that perhaps doing a tale of the tape between the 1990s badass and the future 2010s badass could make for a compelling blog post. 

And in the initial research for said post is when I stumbled upon one of the most horrific, terrifying, and downright dumbfounding facts that I never knew I didn’t know. Fellow former Saved By The Bell fans, prepare to have your heart stop momentarily and for oxygen to be cut off from your brain for a brief instant when I share with you this frightening thought:

Brian Austin Green was originally cast as the lead character in the pilot for Good Morning Miss Bliss, the original incarnation of Saved By The Bell.  Here is the proof:

In the pilot, the main “student” character was played by Brian Austin Green (of Beverly Hills, 90210 fame), but his character’s name wasn’t Zack Morris. Instead, Green played a super-serious student who always wore business suits. Another student character was played by Jaleel White (of Family Matters fame).

Ostensibly, from the way the above referenced page is written, this fact was contained in the E! True Hollywood story about Saved By The Bell. I don’t watch E!, however, so I was never made aware of this information. 

While it appears as if the original main student character played by Green was nothing close to the Zack Morris character that we all came to know and love, the idea of this guy playing the lead role of the most seminal show about growing up in the 1990s is mind-boggling. I mean, back then Brian Austin Green was a hell of a lot closer to being Screech than he was to being Zack.

And there is always this. That clown couldn’t have even sung backup vocals for the Zack Attack:

[Editor's Note: Couldn't find video of the actual episode where Casey Casem introduces the Zack Attack and you see the actual band playing. However, during his recent appearance on the Jimmy Fallon show, Mark-Paul Gosselaar did an updated version of the song with the roots. Watch it below.]

Anyway, while Green has obviously redeemed himself in recent years by dating Megan Fox, he wouldn’t have had a shot in hell back then with Kelly Kapowski. No way. Furthermore, while Green gets some bonus points for the Fox relationship, he doesn’t exactly have that on lockdown, if you know what I mean. From The New York Daily News:

OK! claims that Megan Fox and on-again, off-again boyfriend Brian Austin Green have worked out a deal. “They’ve agreed to an open relationship where Megan can see other men but Brian can’t date anyone else,” says the mag, and she has six months to decide if she wants to marry him.

What?

Look, she’s attractive, and as dudes sometimes you gotta do what you have to do, and then do a little extra for the really hot ones, but you better believe that Mark-Paul Gosselaar would either have those loose ends sewn up…or be done with it. (Plus, no level of hotness can compensate for significant levels of crazy…and the more I read about Megan Fox, the more she qualifies for crazy.)

Anyway, I think Steve Stifler put it best when he said:

And if someone can direct that quite at you legitimately, then you are not and never were worthy of the lead role in Saved By The Bell.

I shudder to think about what kinds of lessons the impressionable youths of the 90s would have learned from a Brian Austin Green-led Saved By The Bell. Would he have taught us about the importance of environmental conservation and the evils of unbridled greed? Would he have been able to save the Max? And damnit, would Brian Austin F’ing Green have been man enough after being fleeced by the ultra-cool facade of Rod Belding to swallow his pride and admit he was wrong, and that Mr. Belding was definitely the better Belding?

I don’t think so. And a generation of 90s kids would be worse off because of it.

So all I have to say is Halelujah that the original pilot fell flat on its face and was retooled before being rolled out again. I’m not sure I’d want to live in a world in which Zack Morris never existed, and his only incarnation was some business-suit-wearing, white-boy-gangsta-rapping, girlfriend-has-his-bits-in-a-jar hack.

But…somehow…that’s not even the most harrowing What If thought I had today. Quite the contrary actually.  After reading about the original cast of Good Morning Miss Bliss, I wondered to myself if there was anything else that could possibly have made the 1990s more drastically different. My first thought: Frank Thomas not being on the Chicago White Sox.

So I decided to go back to the 1989 draft and see what other players the White Sox could have taken with their 1st round selection that year, the 7th overall, and then where The Big Hurt might have ended up had the White Sox passed on him. And the likely outcome is so much worse than Brian Austin Green starring in Saved By The Bell that I’d rather do this in my office right now than even think about it:

Here are picks 7-15 from the 1989 MLB draft:

• 7 – Frank Thomas, 1B, White Sox
• 8 – Earl Cunningham, OF, Cubs
• 9 – Kyle Abbott, LHP, Angels
• 10 – Charles Johnson, C, Expos
• 11 – Calvin Murray, 3B, Indians
• 12 – Jeff Juden, RHP, Astros
• 13 – Brent Mayne, C, Royals
• 14 – Steve Hosey, OF, Giants
• 15 – Kiki Jones, RHP, Dodgers

I would have to assume that had the White Sox passed on Thomas, they likely would have picked one of the next 10 or so guys. Other than Charles Johnson, who was an All Star as an above-average defensive catcher, there was not another good player picked until 23rd when the Red Sox took Mo Vaughn. 

Now, if I’m being optimistic and said that the White Sox were committed to taking a 1B in 1989, Vaughn was the next 1B selected after Thomas. So perhaps the White Sox would have simply swapped one gargantuan, power-hitting first baseman for another. But still, Vaughn had a relatively short peak and then fell victim to the sharp decline that so many huge power hitters face. He may have been comparable for a few years, but he’s no Frank Thomas.

Even worse, look at what moribund, pathetic franchise was slotted right behind the White Sox in the 1989 draft: the Cubs.

Even though the Cubs drafted Mark Grace in 1985, and he made his MLB debut in May of 1988, isn’t it conceivable that they could have plucked The Big Hurt at #8 anyway? Grace was a high school basketball player, so you would think he had decent athletic ability back then. Maybe they move him to third or to a corner outfield spot, paving the way for Frank Thomas and Ryne Sandberg to own the city of Chicago and all of baseball in the early 90s as one of the greatest 1B-2B combos in MLB history.

The one silver lining to this nightmarish thought is that Ryne Sandberg had the best year of his career in 1990 (40 HRs, 100 RBI, 116 R, .306 BA), the same year that Frank Thomas broke into the Bigs and played in 60 games. So at least Sandberg’s peak would not have overlapped with Thomas’. The Cubs finished 77-85 in 1990.

However, what might have happened in 1991 and 1992?

The Cubs went 77-83 and 78-84 respectively in those two seasons, with Sandberg still playing very well. Although Thomas had not yet reached his peak (which would come between 1993-1997, five of his top six OPS seasons), he still went .318-32-109-104 in 1991 and .323-24-115-108 in 1992. Might that have made the Cubs good enough to compete for the NL East pennant and possibly *gasp* a World Series?

And though Sandberg started to decline in 1993, the Cubs actually improved to 84-78. Can you imagine if they had gotten an MVP season from Frank Thomas on top of that? 

I am breaking out into hives just typing this.

Honestly, none of this is even remotely likely, even if the White Sox had passed on Big Frank. Mark Grace was the 1B of the future and we all know that the Cubs suck too much to have ever stumbled onto such fortuitous serendipity. Plus, maybe Frank would have ended up like the Cubs actual selection in 1989, Earl Cunningham, and never made it to the Majors. (Okay, now that is what is not even remotely likely.)

Regardless, the thought of Frank Thomas having been a star on the North Side is enough to give any White Sox fan a sleepless night or two. As will the next thought, as I tie together the two seemingly disjointed What If scenarios posited above.

Remember Steve Bartman? Of course you do.  What Chicago baseball fan could forget him. Well, according to Wikipedia, the most notorious Chicago baseball fan in history graduated high school in 1995 and was 26 years old at the time of “The Incident.” This means that Bartman was in middle school and his first few years of high school during the heydey of Saved By The Bell. Naturally, we can only assume that Bartman watched Saved By The Bell regularly, because…well…didn’t everyone?

But in a bizarro world as described above, in which the essence of cool (Zack Morris) is replaced by Brian Austin Green and in which Frank Thomas is a Chicago Cub, isn’t possible that Steve Bartman might have become a White Sox fan instead?  Think about it: Bartman obviously reveled in rooting for a losing franchise, and with Frank Thomas on the other side of town it would have been the White Sox, not the Cubs, that were pathetic throughout the 90s.

As Marty McFly once taught us, when you start messing with the Space-Time Continuum, things can get f’d up that you never imagined.

And to take it one terrifying step further, if Steve Bartman were a White Sox fan he probably would have attended Game 2 of the 2005 ALDS between the White Sox and Angels. And maybe he would have had seats behind home plate instead of down the third base line. And maybe when that infamous third strike bounced, and the ump signaled out with his hand, Steve Bartman — unable to control the level of his voice because he was wearing headphones — would have yelled “OUT!” at the top of his lungs. And maybe AJ Pierzynski would have heard him, thought it was the ump, and not hustled to first base. If so, the White Sox would have lost, would have been down 0-2 as they headed out West, and perhaps the South Siders would be the Chicago team still lamenting the fact that they haven’t won a World Series in over a century.

My apologies to any Good Guys who read this post and are unable to remove such a frightening hypothesis from their subconscious. But now do you see why it’s so important why Mark-Paul Gosselaar ending up playing Zack Morris in Saved By The Bell, and — although it’s obvious — why it’s so important that the White Sox drafted Frank Thomas one spot ahead of the Cubs?

So, now that I have outlined my two biggest What If Nightmares from the 1990s — both of which thankfully never happened, but both of which would have fundamentally changed an entire decade of my life had they been a reality — help me determine what would have been worse. I’m leaning towards Big Frank being a Cub…but the influence of Zack Morris should not be overlooked nor understated.

What do you think?

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

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* – Gordon Beckham photo credit: AJRoxMyWhiteSox

(Update: This post was originally written before the Browns lost to the Colts 10-6. During that game, Derek Anderson went out with what looks a pretty serious knee injury. Unfortunately, the rest of Derek Anderson’s 2008 season appears to be in jeopardy, meaning that Ken Dorsey will likely be playing QB for the Browns for the rest of the season. Unless, of course, they choose one of the other candidates below…)

Word broke last night that Browns QB and Golden Boy Quarterback of the Future Brady Quinn will miss the rest of the 2008 season.

Quinn visited the Fantasy Football Grim Reaper, Dr. James Andrews, only a few days after saying that his injured finger did not affect his performance on Sunday against the Texans. During the visit, further damage was discovered to the finger; and thus, Brady Quinn will sit out the rest of 2008.

Most people assume that Derek Anderson will be taking over on Sunday when the Browns play the Colts in Cleveland. And that is probably correct. But between the Browns’ 4-7 record, the utter incompetence of Braylon Edwards, the overall ineptitude of our offense, the up and down defense, and questionable job status of Romeo Crennel, Rob Chudzinski, and Phil Savage less than a year after contract extensions…well, let’s just say that this year has not exactly gone according to plan.

So, I am going to run down the Top 10 Candidates to Replace Brady Quinn. We’ll be begin with the assumption that Derek Anderson will immediately step into the role of starter, and then this post will probably start unraveling right before your eyes.

Top 10 Candidates to Replace Brady Quinn at QB

1 – Derek Anderson

Positives: He has starting experience, and was a Pro Bowler in 2007. I wonder if he threw any 300s on the circuit last year. Wait – what? Oh. He played in the Pro Bowl. The one with the best players in the NFL. Wow. It seems like so long ago I barely remember. After watching him this season, it was pretty hard to fathom that Derek Anderson went to the Pro Bowl last year.

Negatives: Well, in the section of positives above, I could not contain my frustration and keep it all positive. Not good when we’re talking about the guy that got a 3-year extension in the offseason. (Update: And now, of course, he’s hurt. So Anderson’s out of the mix.)

2 – Ken Dorsey

Positives: He has been in the Cleveland system forever and knows the offense. (Considering how poorly the offense has played this year, I’m not sure if knowing the offense is actually a positive.) He played at the U with Kellen Winslow.

Negatives: I watched him warming up once and was certain that he had a sprained or separated shoulder. No, I was told – he was actually throwing it as hard as he could. (This story is not true, but it could be.) KVB throws like a ten-year old girl, and he just might be able to get it down the field better than Ken Dorsey.

3 – Joshua Cribbs

Positives: Are you kidding me? Because he’s Joshua Frieking Cribbs. There aren’t many players that I will completely absolve from blame for this season’s woes, but Joshua Cribbs is one of them. He played quarterback at Kent State and would allow us to get the ball into the hands of one of our best play-makers each play. Sure, we might not be able to throw all that well, but are we really throwing it that well right now anyway? What do we have to lose?

Negatives: Joshua Cribbs is one of the top special teams players in the NFL. We don’t want him getting tired running for his life as the quarterback and then being unable to cover and return kicks with his usual pizzazz.

4 – Jerome Harrison

Positives: He has been our most dynamic and consistent play-maker on offense this year, despite his limited role. Every time he touches the ball, something good seems to happen. It stands to reason that if you get the ball into the hands of your play-makers more, good things will happen for the offense.

Negatives: Well, he has never played QB before, so that hurts. Sure, Derek Anderson and Brady Quinn have looked like they hadn’t played QB before – but surprisingly they actually had, as recently as 2007! So Jerome’s lack of experience should not work against him.

What may work against him is a little known quirk in the fabric of the universe that only Rob Chudzinski knows about. The entire city of Cleveland is actually lined with dynamite. Every square inch of it. The evil doers who set this up dictated only two things that could trigger detonation, with the assumption being that they will never happen: Jerome Harrison receiving more than 10 touches in a game or the Cleveland Indians winning a World Series. I’m not sure if this is true, but it’s about the only reasonable explanation I can make for the Browns’ aversion to giving the rock to Jerome Harrison more this season – so I’m not ruling it out.

5 – Bill Cowher

Positives: Can you imagine the roar from the Browns crowd? I realize this sounds ridiculous, but think about it: the Browns can’t just install Cowher as their coach right now because they have to comply with the Rooney Rule. However, I can’t think of any rules against signing Bill Cowher to play QB, thus allowing him into the meeting rooms to learn the current system, get to know the players, and begin to change the mentality of this team. You may think this one is ridiculous; I think it makes the most sense of all.

Negatives: He’s old, he has a mustache, and he’s never played quarterback before. If we are going to try out this combination in hopes of actually winning a game, I’d rather go with Tom Selleck or Quint from Jaws. Cowher at QB would obviously be a move for the future and likely result in five straight losses to end the season. If we want to finish the season with dignity, Selleck or Quint could help us get there.

6 – LeBron James

Positives: He is tall, he’s mind-bogglingly athletic, and he played football in high school. Can you imagine a zone-read offense with LeBron James at QB and Jamal Lewis and Jerome Harrison flanking him, with the threat of a reverse to Joshua Cribbs. Seriously, tell me the Browns wouldn’t score more points that way. Plus, as Cleveland comes to the realization that LeBron will not be around in two seasons, the city needs to get creative in coming up with ways to keep him. Sure, he’d have the big market of New York City if he went to the Nets or Knicks – but wouldn’t he become a global icon faster if he was the NBA MVP and a starting NFL QB? Eat that Bo Jackson.

Negatives: He would be playing for the Browns, which would force him to live under the same dark cloud that everyone associated with the franchise has had to live under since 1999 – and for long before that. How long would it be before LeBron got hurt? One of the greatest NBA careers ever could be derailed by the (un)luck of the Browns.

7 – Tim Sofa

Positives: So I heard about this young kid from rural Kentucky who put up ridiculous numbers in HS playing against a bunch of small schools. Then he went to a big conference, played in a spread and threw the ball 70 times a game and continued to put up great numbers, fooling everyone in the process that he was actually a competent QB. Pick him #1!

Negatives: Unfortunately, this guy has zero leadership qualities, a rag arm, and is more fragile than cracked glass. Yeah, never mind about this one. We’ve been here before.

8 – Zack Morris

Positives: The Browns have lost their pretty boy, eye candy for the ladies now that Brady Quinn is down. Derek Anderson just does not seem to have the same cache with the females. The other problem with DA is that he is not cool and calm under pressure. Brady Quinn needs some time to develop, but it appears as if he will be a cool customer with time. Zack Morris, however, is quite possibly the coolest guy ever. The ladies loved him, he was always finding a way out of difficult situations, and he thrived under less than optimal leadership (Mr. Belding). He could be the perfect choice to succeed in a struggling offense for a struggling coach. (Plus, look at that picture of Ken Dorsey above and tell me he wouldn’t be a worthy Screech Powers.)

Negatives: Well, he’s a TV character and not a real person, so that could be a problem. Of course, many of us thought that Brady Quinn was just a commercial actor and ball boy until he actually played in a game this year. Also, Zack Morris is a California kid from Bayside High, so his toughness could be a question mark. But, what many people forget is that the early episodes of Saved by the Bell (with Miss Bliss) actually took place in Indiana. So Zack Morris has Midwestern roots and, ostensibly, toughness. And perhaps if Preppy plays QB for the Browns he could bring A.C. Slater with him. We could use a linebacker.

9 – Sloth from Goonies

Positives: Look, let’s be honest about something here. Browns fans, on the whole, are not the prettiest people in the world. They are hard-working, blue-collar people who are defined more by toughness, loyalty, and grit than razzle-dazzle, sparkle, and face moisturizers. Doesn’t it seem a bit incongruous that Brady Quinn and his leading-man good looks are quarterbacking this franchise? He should be in Miami or Dallas or L.A. Sloth from Goonies, however, just looks like a Browns fan, doesn’t he? And that’s not to say that most Browns fans are ugly. Really, it’s more of a generalization about the majority of people in the Midwest. Hey, I love the Midwest. It’s where I grew up. But I see more “pretty” people in Dallas every day than in a year of time back home. Doesn’t mean I like the people down here any more (quite the contrary, actually) – it just is what it is.

Negatives: First off, while Browns fans in general may not have much in common with Brady Quinn in terms of looks, Sloth would probably be much more comfortable at Heinz Field with the rest of the eye sores that root for the Steelers. Also, I have to question Sloth’s toughness. He was tough and scary at the beginning of the movie, but quickly turned into a softie. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt though, because he helped out the kids and became a hero in the end. Also, he does not appear to be very mobile in the pocket. If he has a decent release, he could be a poor man’s Bernie Kosar, but probably not much more.

10 – Charlie Brown

Positives: First off, his last name. He was born to play football in Cleveland. Secondly, poetic justice. Charlie Brown consistently has the ball yanked out from under him when he runs forward to attempt to kick it, sending him flying up in the air to land on his back with a thud. Sadly, what better metaphor is there for Cleveland Browns football in 2008?

Negatives: I can’t think of any. Let’s add another eponymous superstar to the list of Cleveland greats that is highlighted by Paul and Jim. The legacy can continue with Charlie.

Seriously, at this point, what do we have to lose?