Instead, let’s talk about the best Super Bowls that never happened.

Talking hypothetical is one of my favorite things to do because there is really no right or wrong answer, because we don’t and will never know. What would have happened if Mark Brunell won a Super Bowl? Would there have been a belief that left-handed quarterbacks were the future of football?

I could have even gone the route of writing hypothetical Super Bowls between the Seattle Seahawks and the Saskatchewan Rough Riders, because I’m sure in some alternate universe (like after hypothetical Super Bowl XVII) that it could have happened.

Rather than getting all crazy and doing that, let’s just stick with teams that actually qualified for the playoffs during the year of said Super Bowl. It’s a lot easier that way.

1. Super Bowl X – Minnesota Vikings vs. Pittsburgh Steelers

Drew Pearson pushed off (go to the 2:00 mark). I don’t know how anyone can say he didn’t. The first Hail Mary was a fraud people. It’s about time we finally admitted it. The Vikings went 12-2 in 1975, were the top seed in the NFC, and lost because of a blown call by the referees. Not cool, Drew Pearson. Not cool at all.

2. Super Bowl XVI – Dallas Cowboys vs. Cincinnati Bengals

I do not like the Cowboys at all, but I do have to say they got robbed of a Super Bowl appearance in 1982 courtesy of the 49ers and “The Catch”. It would be the first of five Super Bowl wins for the 49ers, four of them behind the arm of Joe Montana.

If Dwight Clark didn’t make that catch, the West Coast Offense would have been passed off as a phase and a gimmick, Bill Walsh would have retired as the head coach at Washington State, and Joe Montana would be wearing ShapeUps that he had to buy with his own money.

3. Super Bowl XVII – Detroit Lions vs. Cleveland Browns

The playoffs leading up to Super Bowl XVII might be my favorite thing in the history of professional sports (other than a hypothetical Vikings Championship, of course.)

Because of the players’ strike during the 1982 season and the resulting nine-game regular season, the NFL decided to allow eight teams into the playoffs (instead of the usual four) from each conference. This was subsequently named the “Super Bowl Tournament” and included the Detroit Lions and Cleveland Browns who both had records of 4-5, marking the first time any team had made the postseason with a losing record.

How great would it have been to have a Super Bowl played between two No. 8 seeds? The sixth seed from the AFC, the New York Jets, advanced to the Conference Final before losing to the Dolphins, but we’ve seen a sixth seed win the Super Bowl before thanks to the Wild Card.

The NFL had one chance to have an eighth-seeded team with a losing record become a Super Bowl Champion and they blew it. What would have happened if the Browns or Lions would have actually made it to the big game, let alone won it?

Would the NFL have been attacked by critics for allowing their players to strike, which lead to a shortened season that ended with a sub-.500 team winning the Super Bowl, therefore tarnishing the reputation of anyone involved with the NFL? All of this allowing the USFL to step in and be a legitimate competitor, forcing another merger and leave the National Football League of America with too many teams that they would eventually have to contract teams instead of grow in popularity and expand. Would that have happened?

If this Super Bowl would have happened, we never would have had the Jaguars or Texans or Panthers. Jim Kelly would have never lost four Super Bowls with the Bills. Steve Young would probably never be a Hall of Famer. Hershel Walker would be the greatest running back of all time, and the Vikings would have never handed the Cowboys three Super Bowl rings on a silver platter.

For all we know, the National Football League of America could have failed miserably and become a low-rate professional sport right next to jai hali and SlamBall.

4. Super Bowl XXI – New York Giants vs. Cleveland Browns

The Drive. I feel bad for Cleveland Browns fans. I knew they were terribly unlucky and everything, but then I started doing research for this article. I can’t imagine what it would be like to lose multiple playoff games the way they did, and have the team they lost to go on to get absolutely killed in the Super Bowl.

I wrote down 15 hypothetical Super Bowls. The Browns appeared in six of them. I think I’m going to start being a Browns fan out of pity. I feel bad for them. As a Vikings fan, I’m here for you and know your pain. Speaking of the Vikings and Browns…

5. Super Bowl XXII – Minnesota Vikings vs. Cleveland Browns

I had to do this one. Vikings vs. Browns. The two unluckiest franchises in NFL history squaring off a Super Bowl? The Vikings got knocked out of the playoffs after Darrin Nelson dropped a fourth-down pass late in the fourth quarter against the Redskins. The Browns lost on “the fumble” to the Broncos.

Literally anything could have happened. Imagine all the possibilities! It would be a contest to see which team could kill more fans in the span of three and a half hours.

To their credit, both teams deserve to make fake Super Bowls (the Vikings have four on this list, Browns have three). They probably wouldn’t have even won any of them anyway. Is it even possible for a team to lose seven Super Bowls? I don’t ever want to find out. Maybe it’s a good thing the Vikings and Browns will never make another real Super Bowl. It’s probably better that way.

6. Super Bowl XXVI – Detroit Lions vs. Buffalo Bills

I really only included this one because I feel we as Americans were cheated out of seeing Barry Sanders ever play in a Super Bowl. In 1991 the Lions went 12-4, were the No. 2 seed out of the NFC, and made it to the NFC Championship game before losing to the eventual Super Bowl Champion Washington Redskins.

7. Super Bowl XXXIII – Minnesota Vikings vs. Denver Broncos

I’ve written about this game a lot in the past, so I’ll just keep it short. Because if I don’t, it will end up being 5,000 words that eventually lead me to comparing my moral compass to the ending of a football game that I watched when I was 8 years old.

15-1 record. Best offense in NFL history. Randy Moss, Cris Carter, Jake Reed, Randall Cunningham, Robert Smith. Injuries, horrible coaching, and the worst kick of Gary Anderson’s career crushed Minnesota. And they’ve never recovered.

And the Dirty Bird was the dumbest end zone celebration ever.

8. Super Bowl XXXIV – Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. Jacksonville Jaguars

The Buccaneers lost in the NFC Championship game to the Rams by the oddest football score ever, 11-6, after the Rams scored a late fourth-quarter touchdown. It would take the Buccaneers another three years to finally reach the Super Bowl, and Kurt Warner became the greatest grocery bagger in NFL history.

The Jaguars were the No. 1 seed in the AFC in 1999 and put 62 points on the board in the division round against the Dolphins. They lost in the AFC Championship game to the Titans, who barely made it out of the first round, only doing so with a little play famously known as the “Music City Miracle.”

I have no idea what a Buccaneers-Jaguars Super Bowl would have been. I would have probably ditched the Vikings as my favorite team for the Buccaneers and would now have four different John Lynch jerseys in my closet. I suppose Fred Taylor would be a definite Hall of Fame running back and Tom Coughlin would now be the head coach of the Ravens.

9. Super Bowl XXXVI – St. Louis Rams vs. Oakland Raiders

The Tuck Rule. Super Bowl win number one for Tom Brady. Beginning of the end for Kurt Warner in St. Louis.

If the Patriots don’t win against Oakland, it is not inconceivable that Drew Bledsoe would have been reinstated as the starting quarterback in Boston, Tom Brady would have been traded to some team like the Chiefs or Texans, and Bill Simmons would have hopefully given up talking about football.

10. Super Bowl XLII – Green Bay Packers vs. New England Patriots

Brett Favre’s last pass as a Green Bay Packer was an interception in overtime which led the Giants to kick a game winning field goal to advance to Super Bowl XLII and spoil the Patriots chance at a perfect season.

Had the Packers beaten the Giants, one would have to believe that Favre would have retired after the season and actually stayed retired, Super Bowl win or not. Losing a Super Bowl to only the only team to win 19 games in a season is a much better ending than not even having the opportunity.

None of this happened of course, which helped set up Hypothetical Super Bowl No. 11.

11. Super Bowl XLIV – Minnesota Vikings vs. Indianapolis Colts

Can’t blame me for this one either. The Vikings were the best team in the league in 2009, thanks in part to Brett Favre playing the smartest (and arguably best) football of his life.

Unfortunately there was Brad Childress and his love for settling for 45-yard, game winning field goals. And then there was the Vikings getting flagged for having 12 men in the huddle RIGHT AFTER A TIMEOUT! Next play: Favre interception.

By the end of the game I was lying on my kitchen floor with my shirt over my face. Literally the worst night of my life.

I started writing for MSF two days later after comparing the Vikings-Saints game to lyrics by Hootie and the Blowfish. Weirdest thing I’ve ever written. At least something good came out of it.

Did you know that since the NFL realigned into eight divisions in 2002 that only one divisions has had at least one team in the divisional round of the playoffs every year? This is fact. Can you guess which division it is?

If you said the NFC West, then you my friend are better at filtering out mainstream media platitudes* than most.

Despite the oft-heard refrain that the NFC West is worse than the Mountain West, the division has had pretty good playoff success in comparison to its moribund reputation.

* – Full disclosure: I’ve been guilty of regurgitating the “NFC West sucks” refrain myself. So I am posting this, in part, as an apology to a division that I must admit has had a little more consistent success than I anticipated.

For the record, here are the number of years each division has had at least one participant in the divisional round since realignment (via Wikipedia):

• NFC West – 10
• NFC South – 9
• NFC East – 9
• NFC North – 9
• AFC East – 9
• AFC South – 9
• AFC North – 8
• AFC West – 8

If we take it a step further, here are the number of years that each division has had at least one participant in its conference’s championship game:

• NFC South – 6
• AFC East – 6
• NFC East – 5
• AFC South – 4
• AFC North – 4
• NFC North – 3
• AFC West – 3
• NFC West – 2

So clearly the NFC West has had much more success in the Wild Card round or in getting a first round bye than they have in the divisional round.

BUT…the NFC West is 2-0 in the NFC Championship Game. This is good news for the 49ers: just beat the Saints and history suggests they are marching on the Super Bowl.

Also, if San Francisco does make it to the Super Bowl, it will mean that three of the four NFC West teams have made it to the Super Bowl since realignment; and, for what it’s worth, the Rams won the Super Bowl the year before realignment.

Here is a list of how many different teams from each division have made the Super Bowl since realignment:

• NFC South – 3
• NFC East – 2
• NFC West – 2
• NFC North – 2
• AFC East – 1
• AFC South – 1
• AFC North – 1
• AFC West – 1

What does all of this mean? Not much, other than to prove the point that I bet the NFC West has had more playoff success than most people remember considering how often the division is poo-pooed. Even last year, the nadir of the NFC West in which a 7-9 team made the playoffs, that 7-9 team still pulled a big upset and made the divisional round.

Just remember the next time someone states how awful the NFC West is. It’s not nearly as bad as you think!

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Hat tip to Reddit, especially redditor wineteeth, for the initial stat that inspired this post and the image.

It boils down to this:

Some smart NFL franchise that values winning and player development should hire Marty Schottenheimer, who is one of the most underrated coaches, in any sport, of my lifetime.

We hear often, and correctly, that winning football games in the National Football League is hard. When there is a movie called Any Given Sunday based on the well-known and legitimate sentiment that margins between winning and losing in the NFL are razor thin, extra value should be placed on a coach who can win consistently, at a high level, and in multiple places.

Allow me to introduce you to Marty Schottenheimer.

All He Does Is Win (In The Regular Season Anyway)

I have been very encouraged by recent reports that the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are looking to hire Marty. If I ran the Jacksonville Jaguars, I’d have cut the Mularkey and strongly considered Marty as well. If I were the Dolphins or the Raiders or the Rams any other team looking for a coach, I’d take a good, long, hard look at Marty too.

Why? I think DJ Khaled’s famous line (tweaked a bit) says it best: all he does is win.

Before I present Marty’s downright ridiculous regular season coaching record, let’s get the negative out of the way right now: he sucks in the playoffs.

When you’ve coached in 18 playoff games and only won five of them, it’s fair to say that you suck in the playoffs.

I’m about to laud Marty for an incredible record of regular season statistics he has compiled; it’s only fair to point out areas where his coaching record does not impress. Any way you slice it, dice it, toss it, turn it, Marty hasn’t been able to get it done in the playoffs with myriad opportunities.

But think about that last phrase as it relates to the playoffs: myriad opportunities.

Unless you are among the handful of great-to-excellent coaches currently in the NFL – Belichick, Reid, McCarthy, Tomlin, Payton, just to name a few – you probably are not getting myriad opportunities at the playoffs. And make no mistake: it is a huge accomplishment to make the playoffs in the NFL. If just winning a game is “hard” think about the difficulty level of winning enough games to reach the playoffs. Now consider doing that 13 times.

Does 5-13 suck in the playoffs? Yes. It sucks bad. But that number 13 is impressive when it represents the 13 teams you’ve led to the playoffs in 20+ seasons as an NFL coach.

How many other coaches in NFL history have made the playoffs in 65% of their seasons?

A couple other fun notes I bet you didn’t realize:

• Marty finished with 9 wins in three of the years he missed the playoffs; so he had nine or more wins in 16 of his 20 full seasons coaching in the NFL
• Only one time – once – did a Marty-coached team finish with fewer than seven wins over a 16-game schedule.
• Since being fired by San Diego after going 14-2 but losing in the Divisional Round in 2006, Marty hasn’t been able to land another NFL head coaching gig.

And it’s this last note that shows just foolish NFL franchises can be.

I’ve alluded to it, but now it’s time to bring out the ultimate trump card in any sports debate. Winning.

Here is Marty’s regular season record and winning percentage in his four NFL head coaching stops:

• Cleveland (’84-’88): 44-27, .620
• Kansas City (’89-’98): 101-58-1, .635
• Washington (’01): 8-8
• San Diego (’02-’06): 47-33, .588
• Total: 200-126-1, .613

Marty Schottenheimer has won 200 regular season NFL games against only 126 losses and one tie. It’s a remarkable record that gets far too little respect. Yes, the playoff failures are a blotch on his resume, but what he’s done in 18 games doesn’t discount what he’s done in the 327 other ones he’s coached.

Also consider this:

• The Cleveland Browns were 1-7 when he took over in the middle of the ’84 season. They proceeded to go 4-4 the rest of that season, then 44-27 under Marty in the ensuing years; and we all know what happened in the AFC Championship Games against Denver…
• The Chiefs were 8-22 in the two seasons prior to Marty taking over.
• The Redskins were 8-8 the year before Marty took over, but maintaining mediocrity in Washington is impressive given this context: it came under Daniel Snyder, and the Redskins have had only three .500 or better seasons since.
• The San Diego Chargers were 6-26 in the two seasons prior to Marty taking over.

There is no substitute for winning in sports. None. It’s not the be all, end all in any debate, nor should it be the only consideration when hiring a coach; but it damn sure better be a huge part of the discussion. Marty may not have won a championship yet*, and he may never win one, but he would be a great head coaching choice for a lot of teams.

* – For the record, Marty is coming off a UFL championship this past season. Maybe he’s gotten the professional football playoff monkey off of his back? Hmm…

NFL’s Losers Should Consider Winning Schottenheimer

You know who else’s playoff record is spotty over the last decade? The Miami Dolphins. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers. The Oakland Raiders. The Jacksonville Jaguars. The St. Louis Rams. You’re telling me that going one-and-done in the playoffs, the general expectation for a Marty-coached team, wouldn’t be a vast improvement over what these franchises are currently doing? I sure think it would be.

As they say, just make it to the dance then anything can happen. Don’t poo-poo a man’s ability to guide teams into the NFL’s second season. Just because other coaches have gotten hot at the right times doesn’t mean they are necessarily better overall football coaches than others who haven’t.

A few caveats: Marty is old (68) and I grant that he’s not a potential home run hire like a Sean Payton or a Mike Tomlin or even a Jim Harbaugh. Marty is a guy who may only coach for a few years, and he’s well known for being a stern disciplinarian. Players are sure not to like that at first, but who cares? These guys are being paid millions to win football games, not to have a coach warm the toilet seat for them before they sit down.

Tampa Bay imploded this year with a lot of young talent and a players’ coach. Maybe they need a little Martyball, a little Hamburger Drill in their lives to maximize their potential.

If some NFL team is smart, it will pair Marty with a young, talented roster and let him maximize that team’s growth through accountability and discipline. Will he win you a Super Bowl? Maybe not. Will he make you competitive and get you to the playoffs? His track record certainly suggests so.

And if you’re a fan of the Dolphins, the Raiders, the Bucs, or any other fledgling franchise just looking for something to believe in, doesn’t annual competitiveness and probable playoff spots sound good right about now? It better. Otherwise your expectations are bit out of whack with reality.

Conclusion: Brief Memo To NFL GMs

Someone, anyone, hire the most underrated football in history. Marty’s earned it. Hell, he even won a professional football championship just to prove to you that he is capable of doing the one thing everyone always criticizes him for.

And we know one thing: if Marty does ever get that elusive Super Bowl title, no one will ever look more like a boss taking the Gatorade bath.

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Problem is, this team is peaking at absolutely the wrong time.

Is Indy losing by winning?

You could understand Blue Horseshoe going out and winning one game, as they did versus Tennessee to avoid the stigma of a historic 0-16 season. Even two wins would still give Indy the #1 overall pick in the 2012 NFL Draft.

But running into the Division Champion but also free-falling Houston Texans Thursday night was an unexpected road block, as a back-breaking three-game winning streak is suddenly very attainable.

I get a team wanting to finish strong and Indy getting two nice wins to close out the home schedule. But in the process they have made life very difficult for themselves in the ‘Suck For Luck’ sweepstakes.

Everyone knows the Jacksonville Jaguars – Indy’s Week 17 opponent – are capable of sinking down to the occasion – not to mention their fan base, which will step down and stay away from the season finale in droves. And if the Jaguars can “run the table” and finish 4-12, they could even get a high enough draft pick to put them in the conversation to trade up for Andrew Luck.

But it’s always more difficult to win, actually more easy to lose, on the road – even if asking Dan Orlovsky to perform worse than Blaine Gabbert is daunting.

Impact of Barkley’s return to USC

Up until about 24 hours ago, the #2 overall draft pick was not such a bad thing for a team that will eventually be in need of a new quarterback. That was until Matt Barkley announced that he will stay for a senior season at the University of Southern California.

From Barkley’s perspective that is not a bad move (barring injury). Tommy Trojan is off probation next year and Barkley will enter the 2012 season as the Heisman front-runner. Of course being the most well-known candidate pre-season in the Heisman race frequently proves not to pan out, as the ’12 versions of Robert Griffin III will no doubt emerge with a groundswell of support.

But Barkley staying at SC suddenly makes the QB pool for the 2012 Draft much more shallow. RGIII is projected as a top-five pick (and has to come out this year, in my opinion, while iron is still hot), but unlike Andrew Luck not as NFL-ready. If Peyton Manning is healthy, Griffin would be perfect to stash away and develop for 1-2 years.

After that, there are no “can’t miss” types. Oklahoma’s Landry Jones currently projects middle first-round, but comes across similar to Christian Ponder or Landry’s predecessor at OU, Sam Bradford. After Jones, there are no others whose skill set pops out, unless someone off-the-radar really progresses in the pre-draft workout process.

New entrants in “Suck for Luck” Sweepstakes

If Indianapolis does lose New Year’s Day, there will be a messy situation. If Archie Manning comes out and says that his son might not be crazy about starting while looking over his shoulder at his eventual replacement, it will not be the first time the Manning clan had sent a strong hint towards an NFL organization (see Eli Manning/San Diego Chargers/2004).

But again, there’s that $28 million roster bonus albatross, an awful lot for a 36-year old fresh off a couple of neck surgeries and now on a rebuilding team.

Should Indy complete their collapse and finish 3-13, the Minnesota Vikings could get the #1 pick by losing out, but I see the Vikes winning at least one game – if not Saturday in DC, then definitely against a Chicago Bears team with who knows how many ‘customers’, I mean players, potentially nervous about the next shoe dropping in the Sam Hurd saga.

The St. Louis Rams would be interesting, and stand a real chance of going 2-14 with the Steelers/49ers left on the schedule. Sam Bradford regressed this year, but then again so did everything around them. Would STL pull the plug on that investment, with the smart money having Luck being the better product in time? Or do they trade down, where they can get an impressive haul (i.e. multiple draft picks) which could be the better route for a franchise that simply needs more productive bodies everywhere?

An intriguing free agent QB

And then there are teams already in contention who could use an elite quarterback right now, and there just happens to be one with a QB who WILL be a free agent at the conclusion of the 2011 season.

For the record, Drew Brees indicated on a radio interview with Westwood One Thursday night that he has zero intention of leaving the New Orleans Saints, and that the contract situation will be hammered out when appropriate.

But there’s the cautionary tale of Albert Pujols. Yes different sport, but similar story line. Brees seems to remain a perfect fit for the NOLA Saints – but a contract is a contract, and a contract expiring is a contract expiring.

What if Drew gets an offer too good to pass up??

There’s a franchise that has had a fantastic turnaround this season, but still, with hindsight being 20-20, laments selecting Alex Smith over what would had been the second incarnation of Joe Montana with the first pick of the 2005 Draft.

Aaron Rodgers will now never come through that door in Frisco, but Drew Brees, still in his prime, would be the next best thing – and the Niners’ missing link.

And I can think a few other landing spots for Drew – the Houston Texans now have the playoff monkey off their backs and Matt Schaub (when healthy) is decent, but Brees would be an upgrade. And can a New York Jets fan look anyone square in the eye and say they’re happy with Mark Sanchez?

Final Thought

So expect teams to play to win in Week 17, as it should be. If his health checks out, Peyton Manning should still be good for three more years while Indy develops Griffin, or someone else. And there are too many examples of QB’s being thrown into the fire and being ruined on bad teams (see Archie Manning, and now potentially Sam Bradford) or players who simply didn’t live up to their college exploits (see Matt Leinart/Vince Young).

When it comes to finding a special quarterback either by way of the NFL Draft or free agency, the process often comes down to – what else…

Luck.

I’m sure I’m not the only person who is still scratching their head and trying to figure out why this is a primetime game. Both teams are struggling with the game and fighting injuries leaving fans less than thrilled.

What do I think you should watch for in this game? Check it out.

The Rams

When it comes to the Rams’ offense, it’s a guessing game.

Both quarterback, Sam Bradford and AJ Feeley, have struggled with injuries and both sat out of practices this week. Even with Bradford back on the field Saturday, Coach Steve Spagnuolo was not ready to decide on a starter for Monday’s game. If both Bradford and Feeley are ruled out, the Rams will most likely start Tom Brandstater, who has yet to take his first NFL snap.

Their struggle to keep key offensive players healthy has shown. The Rams are at the bottom of the league for average points per game (11.7) and ranked 30th for total number of yards per game (284). Guard Jacob Bell has joined offensive tackles Jason Smith and Rodger Saffold on the IR.

The defense is not a lot of help to St. Louis’ mess either.

The Rams are horrible at stopping the run. Counters and cutbacks bring out the flaws in the defense, exposing where linebackers fail to fill the proper gaps. While this team is only ranked 25th in the league for the number of total yards (366.2) given up per game, they sit at the bottom of the league for rushing yards (157.8). Injuries are surely a huge part of their struggle.

The Seahawks

While the Seahawks could come close to finishing 7-9 like last year’s team, they won’t be lucky enough to get a home playoff game again. This Seattle team has struggled a lot as well, but they look a little better than their Monday night opponent.

Quarterback Travaris Jackson is inconsistent. His first two passes against the Rams on November 20th were intercepted, setting up St. Louis’ only touchdown of the game. Jackson has thrown for 2,225 yards on the season, with a completion percentage of 60.2, 10 touchdowns, and 12 interceptions.

Seattle has a small gem in running back Marshawn Lynch, who has run for 854 yards with 8 touchdowns. Lynch, who has recently blossomed into a key player, will be the one to watch during this game.

The Seahawks defense has held their own this season. The team is ranked 10th in the league for number of points given up (20.5) and 14th for total yards (339.7) given up per game. Defensive end Chris Clemons has had 8 sacks this season and will look to get more from the Rams injury plagued offense.

My Seahawks-Rams Prediction

This is an easy one.

Offensively, the Rams don’t have a lot going for them except for injuries. If they can incorporate running back Steven Jackson involved into their game plan, the Rams could put up a decent fight on offense; but considering their QB woes, they probably won’t.

With key running back Lynch healthy and in a groove, and the Rams inability to stop a run, the Seahawks will be sitting pretty by the end of this game. The Rams defense will continue to be their downfall.

While both teams are struggling this season, the Rams are a bigger mess.

Final Score: Seattle Seahawks: 21  | St. Louis Rams: 10

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St. Louis Rams at Seattle Seahawks            

• Rams-Seahawks Date: Monday, December 12 at 8:30 PM on ESPN
• Rams-Seahawks Announcers: Mike Tirico, Jon Gruden, and Ron Jaworski
• Rams-Seahawks Point Spread: Seahawks -10
• Rams-Seahawks Over-Under Odds: 36.5

Anyway, there isn’t much to say about Luck for this week in looking back; but we can look forward.

This Saturday, December 10th, the Heisman Trophy will be awarded. Later today, the finalists will be announced, and everyone rightly assumes that Luck will one of them. Other names likely to be included are Robert Griffin III, Trent Richardson, and hopefully Montee Ball of Wisconsin.

We will have a complete preview of this year’s Heisman later in the week, but I’ll say right now that I don’t think Luck will win.

He won’t win, in part, because there were so many other outstanding individual players – namely the aforementioned three – in college football this year.

Luck also won’t win because his play and overall numbers fell short of the outrageous expectations that were placed upon him before the season and throughout, especially as the concept of “Suck For Luck” was discussed and written about by idiot bloggers in their mothers’ basements.

And Luck also will not win because in his biggest game, against Oregon, he wasn’t transcendent; he was merely good, but he he needed to be great.

Still, Luck had an incredible season, and I look forward to seeing he and Stanford take on Oklahoma State in the Fiesta Bowl. It will be an up and down the field kind of game, and it should be a great final college showcase for Luck before the Indianapolis Colts make him the #1 pick in the 2012 NFL Draft.

With that in mind, let’s quickly count down the suckiest of the sucky in this week’s Suck For Luck Power Rankings.

NFL Suck For Luck Power Rankings: Week 14

1. St. Louis Rams (2-Suck)

That’s right, for this week the Rams are taking over the top spot. I’m sick of piling on the Colts, and you know what? Indy did beat the spread last week, so at least they won something. St. Louis, on the other hand, well, they couldn’t beat an egg with a bowl, a fork, and a counter. They are awful. (As was that egg thing…so it fits.)

Remember when the Rams beat New Orleans? How the hell did that happen?

St. Louis didn’t advance past the 49ers’ 45-yard line all day. Not once. Consequently, they scored zero points. They have also made me look like an absolute fool because I have continued ranking them better than their record dictated, thinking they’d turn it around in the second half of the season. Nope. They just keep sucking.

Maybe it’s karma for the Cardinals coming out of nowhere to win the World Series. Seriously. I wonder if some St. Louis sports fan (this guy perhaps?) made a deal with the devil late in August exchanging any semblance of competitiveness from the Rams for the Cardinals to make the unlikeliest of unlikely World Series runs.

Well, do you have a better explanation?

Oh, well maybe you do.

Or perhaps the explanation is that Rams’ supposed franchise QB (seen below sporting his Von Miller starter kit) hasn’t really developed yet into a franchise QB.

Nah. I’m not ready to give up on Bradford yet (though he should give up on those glasses.)

2. Indianapolis Colts (1-11)

Yes, yes, I know the Colts are officially 0-12, but I am giving them a mercy victory. They were 20-point underdogs to the Patriots and only by lost seven points after a 21-point 4th quarter closed the Patriots’ lead to 31-24.

Occasions when nice things can be said about the Colts have been rare this year, so I’m taking this one.

Now, here is a picture of Jim Caldwell receiving electroshock therapy.

3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-8)

This team is in utter collapse mode, and I don’t see any way Raheem Morris gets another year. It will be interesting to see how they bounce back next year. There is talent on the roster, but are there enough leaders to form it into a cohesive team?

Maybe Joe Maddon wants to coach football?

4. Minnesota Vikings (2-10)

There is no great shame in losing to Tim Tebow and the Broncos, but you are what your record says you are, and 2-10 is 2-10. Plus, that defense is utterly atrocious. When did the Vikings just completely forget how to cover in the secondary?

Also, here is an important question to consider after Tim Tebow faced off against Christian Ponder:

Image source: Reddit

5. Chargers/Jaguars Loser

6. Chargers/Jaguars Winner

Real barn-burner you’ve got tonight ESPN!

7. Philadelphia Eagles (4-8)

Do you realize the NFC West may just be better than the NFC East this year?

The 49ers are clearly the best of the 8 teams, while the Rams are the worst. But the Cowboys have now been beaten by Arizona and Seattle took care of the Giants. Perhaps the NFC East is still slightly better, but it’s close. And who would have thought that coming into the season?

8. Cleveland Browns (4-8)

They should probably be higher, because they are really, really, really, ridiculously bad – maybe the worst 4-win team in NFL history – but many of my friends are Browns fans. So consider this a mercy ranking.

9. Carolina Panthers (4-8)

They have certainly looked better the last two weeks, but they’ve also played Indy and Tampa Bay, so let’s not get too carried away.

Also, if you missed it, make sure you watch this.

10. Buffalo Bills (5-7)

Another week, another loss for the franchise that will probably go down as the worst team to ever start a season 5-2. Remember that?

Others receiving votes: Washington, Kansas City, Oakland, and Dallas – the last two because, well, those were a couple of awful losses last week.

I’ll give Miami, Seattle, and Arizona a reprieve this week after all scored nice victories in Week 13.

*****

Please submit your gripes below. They are always welcome.

Immediately after the show ended, I called my dad to get a recap of the game and my mom jumped on the phone to tell me about something hilarious that 49ers rookie Aldon Smith did.

It seems that Smith celebrated a little too much for his coach’s liking at some point during the game, so the next time he made a big play Smith found another way to…celebrate.

Smith’s physical gifts are obvious, and he has 10 sacks already in his rookie season. Clearly he also takes well to coaching and has a sense of humor.

Plus, when you’re playing the St. Louis Lambs, you have to find ways to keep your fans engaged in the game since the opponent will barely do it. I think Aldon was just trying to give everyone something to watch.

Run Aldon, run!

But today, the phrase “suck for Luck” has nothing to do with a certain NFL team losing game after game and positioning themselves for the #1 pick. Rather, it has to do with the Nike Pro Combat unis that Stanford wore Saturday night.

Which sucked.

Photo credit: AP Photo/Paul Sakuma via ESPN.com

I’ve seen some bad version of the Nike Pro Combat unis (Georgia’s immediately come to mind), but these may the worst. Black helmets? Black numbers? For Stanford? I suppose the jersey itself isn’t bad, but nothing about it says Stanford. And, um, isn’t that what jerseys are supposed to do?

I have a solution.

We need to get this guy on the case:

Seriously, can you imagine the indignation if this bro had seen that Stanford-Notre Dame game? He’d have downed the entire bottle of 1800 by halftime because of those uniforms.

Whatever happened to men, Michael Imperibroli? Nike. And it’s Pro Combat Uniforms. That’s what.

Now drink up while I break down the NFL’s top/bottom 10 in the race to draft Matt Barkley or Robert Griffin (if they go pro) since the race to draft Luck is pretty much done.

NFL Suck For Luck Power Rankings: Week 13

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1. Indianapolis Colts (0-11)

Breaking news: the Colts lost again.

Here is their remaining schedule. You tell me where a win might come from: at New England, at Baltimore, vs Tennessee, vs Houston, at Jacksonville.

• They sure as hell aren’t beating New England or Baltimore. In fact, they might lose by a combined 100 points.
• I suppose they could beat Tennessee, but the Titans should still be alive in AFC South race then.
• Houston at home is a possibility depending on their QB situation, and if they have the AFC South clinched, but I think the Texans could win just direct snapping it to Arian Foster.
• Week 17 at Jacksonville is a possibility because any team quarterbacked by Blaine Gabbert could lose to any team quarterbacked by anyone else – even you, dear reader.

So, with nothing else really to say about this sorry sack of a Manning-less team, here is a picture of Curtis Painter doing one of the few things he does better than Peyton Manning: carrying laundry.

Photo credit: USA Today

2. St. Louis Rams (2-9)

That’s it. I’m done with the Rams. And they still have to play San Francisco twice! If you own Steven Jackson in fantasy, trade him. Trade him now.

3. San Diego Chargers (4-7)

A bunch of the other craptastic teams won this weekend, so we’ll bump the sorry Chargers all the way up to #3. When you start out 4-1 then lose six straight games, each in excruciating fashion, you get rewards like this.

It’s safe to say that the Norv Turner Era will soon be ending in San Diego, and all 16 of their die-hard fans must be thrilled with that news.

In honor of the Chargers’ rapid ascent up these Suck For Luck Power Rankings, here is the most disturbing image of Philip Rivers on the first page of a Google Image search for his name:

Image source: Pyromaniac

Ah, what the hell. Here’s another one:

Image source: Pyromaniac

My apologies in advance for any nightmares you have tonight.

4. Carolina Panthers (3-8)

Let’s not carried away with excitement here. You beat Indianapolis, and you allowed them to score 19 points. And congrats on running all over them, but everyone does that.

5. Cleveland Browns (4-7)

The Browns jumped out to an early lead over the Bengals, only to give it away to the clear #1 football team in the state of Ohio (since Ohio State is down this year).

But hey, at least Peyton Hillis was back! Maybe now he can start to recapture the magic of 2010. Assuming, of course, that he doesn’t get anymore sore throats or have any more shotgun weddings.

6. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-7)

The Bucs have now lost five in a row, and they actually make the Colts looks suffocating against the run. Chris Johnson hasn’t been able to juke a brown paper sack this year, yet he racked up 190 yards against the Bucs on Sunday.

The only question for this team now, with the playoffs clearly out of the question, is does Raheem Morris make it to next year? If the Bucs want to have any hope of not squandering the talent they’ve accumulated, I say the answer is no. We’ll see.

7. Philadelphia Eagles (4-7)

Yes, I think the Vikings and Dolphins, among others, would beat the Eagles right now. That is how bad this team is playing. Their coaches are yelling at eachother on the sidelines, Desean Jackson isn’t blatantly short-arming catch attempts, and good players are getting injured one right after another.

Side note: when Andy Reid gets his walking papers at the end of the year, and it’s becoming likely that he will, some team looking for a head coach (hello Dolphins!) better snatch him up quickly. I’ll agree that perhaps it’s time for a parting of the ways in Philly. Sometimes that happens, even to good coaches. Sometimes change is needed. But it doesn’t mean Reid is no longer a good, perhaps even great, NFL coach. I don’t think he’d stay unemployed for long.

Now, apropos of absolutely nothing, here is a video of a hippo releasing a little pressure after a second helping of Thanksgiving dinner.

8. Minnesota Vikings (2-9)

Yes, the Vikings have now replaced the Rams as the team I irrationally support despite their record. But seriously, the Vikings have played decent football in hanging tough at Atlanta without Adrian Peterson and almost coming back to beat Oakland. Can you honestly tell me you don’t think Minnesota could beat the seven teams above them on this list?

9. Seattle Seahawks (4-7)

You lose at home to Rex Grossman and the Redskins, you make this list. It’s as simple as that.

10. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-8)

Frankly, I kind of forgot about the Jaguars. Had I remembered them, I probably would have placed them in the 4-6 range because Blaine Gabbert sucks so much. But out of deference to the great Maurice Jones-Drew, who continues to play hard and churn out tons of yards in losing efforts, I’m going to keep the Jags here.

Seriously though, watch Gabbert in the pocket anytime anyone gets near him. He freezes up and braces for contact instead of standing in there like a man and delivering a throw (which I obviously would do if I were a professional football player). I wonder what Michael Imperioli would have to say about that after a few shots of 1800 tequila.

Honorable mention: Kansas City Chiefs (4-7), Washington Redskins (4-7), Arizona Cardinals (4-7), Buffalo Bills (5-6).

Honestly, all four of those teams deserved mention. There is a pretty clear line between the top 18 teams in the NFL and the bottom 14. So congrats to everyone who made this list! You officially suck.

**********

Combine Stanford’s loss to Oregon two weekend ago with Luck’s pedestrian numbers against Cal on Saturday (20-30, 257 yards, 2 TDs, 1 INT in a 31-28 win), and then mix in superlative performances by Baylor’s Robert Griffin III and USC’s Matt Barkley this past Saturday, and Luck doesn’t seem luck such a clear-cut #1 prospect any more, now does he?

Don’t get me wrong, Luck’s still the guy. If the NFL draft were held today, the Indianapolis Colts would snatch Luck up quicker than you can say “Peyton” and then deal with the ramifications later. Plus, we don’t even know if RG3 or Barkley are going to turn pro after this year.

Griffin surely won’t get the respect his performances and athletic ability deserve once NFL scouts start picking apart the simplicity of the offense he operates in, so he is unlikely to be a surefire top 10 pick. That, plus a desire to to win the Heisman (if he doesn’t this year) and take Baylor to even greater heights may compel him to stay in school.

As for Barkley, he has persevered through so much at USC while the school serves its punishment for crimes that happened before he got there. The Trojans have loads of talent and will be bowl eligible again next year. It seems reasonable to think he may want to stay for his senior year and finish what he started, though he’ll likely be projected as a higher pick than Griffin, making such a decision that much harder.

(Side note: remember when Landry Jones was discussed in the same sentence with these three guys? About that…)

Back to Luck.

Even with Griffin and Barkley seemingly closing the gap this weekend, Luck is still the guy I’d want my team taking if they had the chance. It’s become clear as the season has gone along that Luck simply doesn’t have great weapons to work with on offense, and that is depressing his still great numbers. For the season, Luck is still completing over 70% of his passes and has thrown 31 TDs against only 8 INTs.

So though some fans may be tempted to implore their teams to “stiffen for Griffin” or “keep missing the mark(ley) to get Barkley” (wow, that one sucks), Colts fans should still be hopeful that their team will maintain its “suck for Luck” trajectory. He still has franchise QB written all over him.

And now onto this week’s Suck for Luck Power Rankings, where not being #1 no longer looks quite so awful.

NFL Suck For Luck Power Rankings: Week 12

—

1. Indianapolis Colts (0-10)

This is the first Monday that the Colts haven’t had to lament a loss all season. Score!

In celebration of the Colts not losing, here is a picture of Colts Jim Irsay and his smiling daughter Casey.

Image credit: Charlie Nye via The Indianapolis Star

2. St. Louis Rams (2-8)

That’s it. I’m done with the Rams.

I’ve supported this team all year, always ranking them lower in these rankings than their record or performance suggested. Why? I don’t know why. I guess because I foolishly keeping believing that Sam Bradford and Josh McDaniels will get this crappy offense going.

Well, when you get trounced at home by Tarvaris Jackson, Pete Carrol, and the Seahawks, you lose my support.

Sam Bradford “can’t believe how bad this season has been“? Join the club.

3. Carolina Panthers (2-8)

Here is another team that I’ve lost faith in. The Panthers were really playing well despite their 2-6 record before their bye came. Since then, they’ve gotten trounced by the Titans, and yesterday they gave up 49 points to Detroit in the process of blowing a big early lead.

Cam Newton is outstanding, and he continues to make the Panthers’ offense fun to watch, but you have to stop someone every now and again to win games. Considering new head coach Ron Rivera is a defensive-minded guy, hopefully he can get their defensive woes turned around. Maybe a high draft pick will help?

4. Washington Redskins (3-7)

The Redskins actually turned in an inspired performance yesterday in taking the Cowboys to overtime. They even had a chance to win, but Graham Gano’s field goal sailed wide and the Redskins once again snatched defeat from the jaws of victory.

The Redskins’ loss also included this bizarre play call from one of Mike Shanahan’s henchman…which really is a perfect visual representation for what Redskins football has become: inexplicable.

 GIF source: Imgur via Reddit

5. Arizona Cardinals (3-7)

I am ranking Arizona below the Rams, Panthers, and Redskins out of respect for Larry Fitzgerald, because he continues to be amazing. But my goodness is their QB situation awful. I know the 49ers have the best defense in the NFL, but that performance yesterday by John Skelton made Derek Anderson look like a Pro Bowler (again…remember when that happened?).

It’s not good when you’re longing for Kevin Kolb to be under center, but that’s what it has come to for Arizona.

6. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-7)

Congratulations, you lost to the Cleveland Browns. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

On the bright side, Blaine Gabbert threw for more than 100 yards! He actually tossed for 210 yards. But once again he did not throw a TD, and his yards per attempt was an anemic 5.1.

Is there anyone who wouldn’t take Luck, Barkley, or Griffin (hell, even Landry Jones) over Gabbert? I don’t think so. The Jags are going to regret this pick for a long time.

7. Cleveland Browns (4-6)

Has a team ever had an emptier four wins than Cleveland? They’ve beaten Indy, Miami back when the Dolphins were just giving games away, Seattle in a 6-3 barnburner, and the woeful Jags last week.

Bill Parcells famously said “you are what your record says you are” and I usually believe it. But come on. The Browns being “a 4-win team” is terribly false advertising. Yes, it’s technically true, but it implies some level of football competence. And those two words really never should be next to eachother when the subject is the Browns.

8. Minnesota Vikings (2-8)

Yeah, I probably have the Vikings too high, but consider this a continued show of respect for Adrian Peterson and Jared Allen. I think yesterday’s game against Oakland goes much differently if Peterson played the whole game, and I think the Vikings have actually found a QB they can build around, unlike everyone on this list except for Carolina (and maybe the Rams…maybe).

Also, I didn’t want to put the Vikings any higher on this list and make Drew Lange cry like a little girl. That would have been tragic.

9. San Diego Chargers (4-6)

As I perused the rest of the 4-6 teams, the Chargers stood out as the team playing the worst. They’ve dropped five straight and Philip Rivers is playing like absolute horsecrap. It’s shocking that a team that seemingly has so much talent could be so bad, but we’ve seen it from these Chargers year after year, with this recent five-game skid perhaps being the nadir.

A 14-2 season from Marty Schottenheimer doesn’t look so bad anymore, now does it?

In honor of one of the most unnecessarily disrespected good coaches in NFL history, here is Marty taking a Gatorade bath like an absolute boss.

10. Buffalo Bills (5-5)

I know that the Bills have a better record than Miami, Seattle, Tampa Bay, Kansas City, and Philadelphia, and that they’re even with Tennessee, the Jets, and Denver, but when you lose three straight games by a combined score of 106-26, and you’re having buyer’s remorse just a few weeks after signing your QB to a long-term contract extension, you get included in the Suck For Luck Rankings.

As for the honorable mentions, which I just mentioned, Kansas City better not get too comfortable. I’m keeping my eye on them, especially with Matt Cassel out and Tyler Palko not in. They face New England tonight on Monday Night Football, which very well could turn into a massacre. But hey, at least for this week, they’re better than the Bills!

**********

Got any gripes? That’s what the comment section is for. Have at it.

Don’t buy it.

No, Luck was not his usual spectacular self on Saturday night. He was 27-41 for 256 yards, 3TDs, and 2 INTs. Those are very good numbers, but not the other-worldly stats we’ve come to expect from the NFL’s Next Great Quarterback.

Still, I saw something from Luck on Saturday night that told me a lot about the kind of leader he is.

Late in the game, with the Cardinal needing a touchdown drive to cut the deficit to one possession, Luck threw a perfect strike to his wide receiver. Unfortunately, his receiver let the ball slip right through his hands, it deflected to an Oregon defender, and likethat Luck had thrown a pick 6 and the game was over.

How did Luck respond? Exactly how you’d want your leader to respond.

He immediately found the receiver – a freshman – on the sidelines and gave him an attaboy tap on the helmet, letting the clearly distraught freshman know his QB has his back.

Kirk Herbstreit pointed this out, and I concurred with the Prince of College Football’s statement that this was a great show of Luck’s leaderhsip. On a night when Luck was far from the perfect quarterback – he was merely very good as opposed to transcendent – he remained the perfect leader. For a quarterback, that’s an indispensable trait to have.

And I explain all of this to you for one reason: so Colts fans can feel better about their team frittering away what I thought was their last good chance to get a W. Colts fans, don’t listen to the unhype about Luck after Saturday. He’s still an amazing prospect. And he’s almost surely going to end up in Indianapolis now.

NFL “Suck For Luck” Power Rankings for Week 11

Here are this week’s Suck For Luck Power Rankings, which I post before Monday night’s game between the Vikings and Packers.

1. Indianapolis Colts (0-10)

I contemplated making this a one-team list and just calling it the Suck For Luck Power Ranking, because only the San Francisco 49ers and Green Bay Packers have bigger leads in their respective divisions than the Colts have in the Suck For Luck division.

What’s sad is that I actually thought the Colts would play well this week, what with it being their best chance to nab a W for the rest of the season. At a minimum I thought they’d keep it close and find a way to cover the three point spread. Instead, they lost 17-3 behind another porous effort from Curtis Painter.

At this point, I don’t really know what to say about the Colts. They are historically bad. A friend of mine on an email convo I’m privy to ran some geek numbers and figured out that the Colts are actually trending worse than the 2008 Lions team that finished 0-16. That’s not good.

All in all, I’d rate the Colts’ team performance this year at about, oh, 30 courics.

And here is the thought that just popped into my head immediately after realizing that Stan Marsh’s climactic deuce is the perfect metaphor for the Colts in 2011: the Colts angered the football gods a couple of years ago when they shat on the possibility of going undefeated, resting starters the final two weeks of the year after opening up with a 14-0 record, and they’ve been paying the piper ever since.

The gut punch loss in the Super Bowl. Peyton Manning’s injury. Everything about this season. If you can find reasonable evidence to suggest that pissed off football gods haven’t had a hand in this, please present it. (I don’t think you can.)

2. The NBA (0-2011)

No other team truly deserves to be #2, so I’m giving it to the NBA, which remains embroiled in a nasty lockout that isn’t really showing any signs of being solved soon. This means, of course, that Tyler Hansbrough cannot be a cure-all for the city of Indianapolis.

Whatever.

Frankly, I’ve always been a much bigger college basketball fan than an NBA fan, and I never really start paying attention to the NBA until after the new year. I know many of you do, so I hope it ends soon, but I’m kind of excited that what I think is going to be one of the best college basketball seasons in a while will get some extra attention.

3. Cleveland Browns (3-6)

I respect my Browns fan friends too much to post video of the missed field goal that sealed yet another crushing loss. (Plus, I just searched for it on YouTube and couldn’t find it within 10 seconds, which is my threshold for searching for something on the Internet before I give up.)

Instead, I’ll just post this video of Mike Polk, which all Browns fans can, unfortunately, relate to.

See you next week.

4. St. Louis Rams (2-7)

The Rams are still a game worse than Cleveland, and really should have lost that game, so it’s hard to put them too far behind Cleveland, especially when many of the other teams who would be in contention for this spot won.

I still like the Rams moving forward, still think they can get some Ws, and maybe Lady Luck smiling down upon them can start some positive momentum building.

Now, in St. Louis-related news that St. Louisians will actually care about, friend of MSF Matt Sebek (he of Joe Sports Fan) reported this weekend that “the (alleged) Photoshops of Albert Pujols in Miami uniform are starting to trickle out.” Here is one of them:

YYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

5. Carolina Panthers (2-7)

Whoa…what was that Carolina?

I have been firmly on this team’s bandwagon so far this season, but I was not expected a putrid performance like that against Tennessee. With so many other teams on this list winning last week, I can’t justify ranking any of them above the Panthers. Let’s hope that’s not a sign of how Camolina is going to finish what has been an otherwise very promising season.

6. Washington Redskins (3-6)

The Redskins were 3-1 at one time. They have now lost five in row, culminating in yesterday’s 11-point loss to the surging Miami Dolphins. This loss was compounded by Mike Shanahan pissing off every fantasy football owner Sunday morning by announcing that Rex Grossman and Ryan Torain would start over John Beck and Roy Helu.

And why would Shanahan do such a thing? Because he can. And because he loathes your very existence on this earth, you pumpkin-pie haircutted, fantasy football playing freak.

Of course, he also apparently hates winning now too, so don’t feel bad.

As for Redskins fans, there’s always golf.

Image source: Jim Grant via Deadspin

7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-5)

When, exactly, did this team win four games? My lasting impression of them is getting hammered by the 49ers and then pulverized yesterday by the Texans. Their combined margin of loss in those two games: 7,541 points.

Do you realize that Tampa Bay, despite having four wins, is one of only four teams in the NFL with a point differential of minus-70 or more? This supposed young team on the rise is much further away that people thought, and there were several times yesterday when I looked up at the Bucs-Texans game and thought Tampa Bay had just quit on a play.

But I’m sure that once Albert Haynesworth gets more assimilated into the locker room his unyielding effort and motor will rub off on his teammates and prevent any further quitting.

8. Kansas City Chiefs (4-5)

Why am I putting another 4-win team on this list before the many 3- and even 2-win teams who would seem more deserving? Because, like Tampa Bay, Kansas City is one of the four teams with a point differential of minus-77 or more. And over the last two weeks the Chiefs have been beaten by 28 points by a previously winless teams and lost a division game in which their opponent completed…two passes.

In the wake of the Chiefs’ latest collapse, the always magnanimous Todd Haley was nice enough to record a message for all Chiefs fans expressing his commitment to delivering a good football team for the rest of the season.

9. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-6)

The Jags probably shouldn’t have plummeted this far in the rankings after a win over Indy, which is so inevitable it should barely count more than a tie. But the Jags do play good defense, and I would pick them to beat any of the teams above on a neutral field. Like the Dolphins, I have to give the Jags credit for continuing to play hard. Jacksonville may not be very good, but you can’t say they are underachieving.

Unlike…

10. Philadelphia Eagles (3-6)

The Eagles actually have a positive point differential on the season (+17), mostly because of their demolition of the Cowboys a few weeks back. But when you’re supposed to be a “Dream Team” and you’re 3-6 after a home loss to a team quarterbacked by John Skelton, you have to be on the list of the 10 worst teams in the NFL.

By the way, I now view this picture in a completely different light after the events of this weekend.

Image credit: Carolyn Caster via Lehigh Valley Live

Just missed: Miami Dolphins (2-7); Minnesota (2-6); Seattle Seahawks and Arizona Cardinals (3-6)

For the record, I am shocked that I got through these rankings without the Dolphins, Seahawks, and Cardinals making it. But you know what? I think they’ve earned it. All three of those teams have continued playing hard and are winning some tough, close games. That’s much more than I can say about the other teams on this list, all of whom Suck…but clearly only one team is doing it for Luck.

**********

Now your thoughts. Where am I right? Where am I wrong? The comment section awaits your ire and indignation.

Without question, the story of the first half of the season (other than this) has been the ascent of the Detroit Lions.

They went 0-16 three years ago, then 2-14 in Jim Schwartz’s first year, then 6-10 last year; and now halfway through their 2011 slate Detroit, sitting at 6-2, is a bona fide contender in the NFC. And the Lions aren’t just an empty record either. They have the skill, attitude, reputation, and right now the health (knock on wood) to suggest that they aren’t going away.

So in honor of the Motor City Mufasas, and their roaring wreakers of wreckage Ndamukong Suh and Calvin Johnson, I give to you my Midseason NFL Power Rankings, with each team presented alongside a Motown classic that sums up the first half of its season.

The great Berry Gordy and Ndamukong Suh

1. Green Bay Packers (7-0) – “Higher Ground” by Stevie Wonder

After an uneven regular season in 2010, the Packers caught fire all the way to the Super Bowl. Along the way, Aaron Rodgers nudged his way into the Manning-Brady-Brees stratosphere of NFL quarterbacks.

Through seven games in 2011, the Packers haven’t missed a beat, and Rodgers has catapulted himself into the rarest of air: the undisputed #1 quarterback in football, and he’s on pace to complete the most efficient statistical season a quarterback has ever had.

As Stevie sings:

Lovers keep on lovin’
Believers keep on believin’
Sleepers just stop sleepin’

…

Gonna keep on tryin’
Till I reach my highest ground

Indeed, the Packers/Rodgers lovers and believers need to keep doing what they’re doing, and any remaining sleepers need to wake up to the reality that Rodgers is the best player in football.

If he hasn’t already reached the highest ground, it’s going to be amazing to see just how deadly the Packers’ offense is once he’s there.

2. San Francisco 49ers (6-1) – “Reach Out, I’ll Be There” by The Four Tops

Know this about the resurgent 49ers and their badass first year head coach Jim Harbaugh: at the end of the game, reach out and he’ll be the there…ready to shake your head after kicking your team’s butt. (Just try not to take it personally.)

And in case you needed any more reason why this is the perfect song choice for the 2011 take-no-prisoners 49ers, pay attention to the lyrics. Replace “girl” and “darling” with “Alex” (for Alex Smith), “I’ll” with “We’ll”, plus a few other subtle changes, and it might as well be a pregame Harbaugh speech to his much-maligned but improving QB.

Now if you feel that you can’t go on,
Because all of your hope is gone,
And your life is filled with much confusion,
Until happiness is just an illusion,
And your world around is crumbling down, Alex,
(Reach out) Come on Alex reach on out for me,
(Reach out) Reach out for me,
We’ll be there with a running game that will shelter you,
We’ll be there with a defense that will see you through,

See what I mean?

3. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-2) – “Ain’t Nothing Like the Real Thing” by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell

I’m not sure what that was from Pittsburgh in Week 1, but it was most certainly not the real Steelers that we’ve come to know and appreciate.

Over the Steelers’ last four games though, we’ve started to see the real Steelers emerge again, just with a little more passing than running, and it’s been a good reminder that in the NFL there ain’t nothing like the real thing; and it doesn’t get much more real in professional football than the Steelers.

4. Detroit Lions (6-2) – “Just My Imagination” by The Temptations

For years, decades really, Lions fans have had to watch the success of other franchises and pretend it was their own. Losing season after losing season, all the Lions had was their imagination if they wanted to cheer for a winner.

Not anymore.

Now all Lions fans need to do is use their imaginations to conjure up a future in which Matthew Stafford plays 16 games, because if he does, this team is ready to make its long-awaited return to the postseason. And they won’t be an easy out.

5. Baltimore Ravens (5-2) – “I Second That Emotion” by Smokey Robinson and The Miracles

After the Ravens’ offense sputtered against the Jags, Terrell Suggs publicly questioned the offensive gameplan. Surprisingly, Ravens coach John Harbaugh seconded Suggs’ emotion, agreeing that Ray Rice and Anquan Boldin needed to get the ball more.

One week later Cam Cameron and Joe Flacco got the notion, and the Ravens are back to their winning ways after Rice scored three TDs and Boldin topped 100 yards receiving.

6. New England Patriots (5-2) – “It’s The Same Old Song” by The Four Tops

An offense built around their statuesque quarterback who throws 40+ times every game, without much of a running game to speak of? Check.

A defense that gives up tons of yards, hopes to be “bend but don’t break” as a best case scenario, and is undeniably poor in the secondary and at rushing the passer? Check.

Sound familiar? That’s pretty much what the Patriots have been for the last three seasons, and for the last three seasons they’ve underwhelmed fans and pundits alike once January has rolled around. I’m struggling to find any reason to think this season will end any differently.

7. New Orleans Saints (5-3) – “What’s Going On” by Marvin Gaye

I don’t really feel like New Orleans deserves to be ranked this high, especially after what we witnessed from them last week and in their recent loss to Tampa Bay. Sandwiched in between those two defeats, however, was a thorough ass-kicking of the Indianapolis Colts; and anytime you beat another NFL team 62-7 it means, well, something.

The Saints still have Drew Brees, they still have weapons galore on offense, and they still have Sean Payton calling the shots. This outfit won a Super Bowl not too long ago, and they deserve the benefit of the doubt…for now. But they need to figure out what’s going on before far too many mothers, brothers, and fathers in The Bayou are left crying from another debacle like that loss to the Rams.

8. New York Giants (5-2) – “Ball of Confusion” by The Temptations

Is any good team more of a ball of confusion from year to year, week to week, and even quarter to quarter than the New York Giants? No.

Yet despite the ups and downs, here are the Giants sitting atop the NFC East with Eli Manning playing the best football of his career. Go figure.

9. Houston Texas (5-3) – “It Takes Two” by Marvin Gaye and Kim Weston

The song choice for the Texans is obvious from the first two lines:

One can have a dream, baby
Two can make that dream so real

For a while now, the Texans and their fans have had dreams of going to the playoffs, but unfortunately they only had one side of the ball that functioned competently. Not anymore. Wade Phillips has taken a defense that was an embarrassment last year and made it respectable, even weathering the loss of Mario Williams.

It does indeed take two – an offense and a defense – to make playoff dreams real. Could this be the season it finally happens in Houston?

10. Buffalo Bills (5-2) – “Papa Was a Rolling Stone” by The Temptations

The “papa” of these young Bills is head coach Chan Gailey, and he has indeed been a rolling stone during his coaching career. Buffalo is the 19th different coaching job Gailey has had since 1974. I know how transient of a profession coaching can be, but that is a lot of moving around.

Regardless, he has these Bills on the right track, sitting atop the AFC East.

11. New York Jets (4-3) – “Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch” by The Four Tops

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not sure the Jets have earned this high a spot in the rankings. They are on a two game winning streak, but beating the Dolphins and the apparently hapless Chargers isn’t all that impressive. Still, the Jets and their bombastic head coach cannot seem to help themselves: they always talk, they always struggle for parts of seasons, yet they always get it going when the weather gets cold. They’ve made two straight AFC Championship Games, so we can’t count them out yet.

(Note: there are also plenty of jokes that could be made in reference to Rex Ryan enjoying slices of sugar pie and handfuls of honey bunch, but I’ll refrain. Who do I look like…Joe Namath?)

12. Philadelphia Eagles (3-4) – “Uptight (Everything’s Alright)” by Steve Wonder

I know that fans in Cincinnati and all over the AFC West and NFC South are going to be apoplectic at the under-.500 Eagles being 12th above their favorite teams, but what can I say? This team is loaded with talent, and I think they’d beat all of the teams below them (including more than a few above them) if they played right now.

So, Philly fans, what are you so uptight about? As long as you’ve got Andy Reid, everything is all right. Until the playoffs at least…

13. Atlanta Falcons (4-3) – “Shotgun” by Jr. Walker and the All Stars

I predicted that the Falcons would miss the playoffs before the season started, and I’m not backing off that prediction at all, though I have been impressed by their last two victories.

During the offseason, the Falcons tried to remake their offense from a tank into a shotgun with the hyperathletic Julio Jones added to the team at a high cost. It appeared early on that Ryan and the Falcons were trying to justify the cost while forgetting about their bread and butter: Michael Turner.

Things have changed.

Turner is back leading the offense and the Falcons are winning. The question is how long can Turner withstand another season of pounding. We’ll see.

14. Cincinnati Bengals (5-2) – “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell

The Bengals had to deal with QB turmoil all offseason, limped into the regular season with rookies leading them at QB and WR, have had to deal with Cedric Benson’s continued legal troubles, and they lost corner Jonathan Joseph in the offseason. Also, certain Midwestern sports bloggers predicted the Bengals would finish with the worst record in the league. Yet all Marvin Lewis and the Bengals have shown is that there ain’t no football mountain high enough to keep this underrated team down this season.

At least so far.

Cincy’s wins are against Cleveland, Jacksonville, Buffalo, Seattle, and Indianapolis, and they still have four games coming up against Pittsburgh and Baltimore. This is why I’m not sold on the Bengals and have them at 14th. But if they can keep climbing mountains, this could be the most unlikely playoff team of 2011.

15. Kansas City Chiefs (4-3) – “Since I Lost My Baby” by The Temptations

The Chiefs have reeled off four straight wins since I ranked them #1 in my inaugural Suck 4 Luck Power Rankings, a winning streak that has moved them all the way into a first place tie in the AFC West. This has Chiefs fans seeing sun shining (yes, plenty of light), a new day dawning (so sunny and bright), and even birds signing and children playing.

But the reality is that without young stars Jamaal Charles, Eric Berry, and Tony Moeaki, all of whom the Chiefs lost early in the year to season-ending injuries, the Chiefs’ chances of going any further than they did last year – a first round playoff blowout – are slim to none.

16. San Diego Chargers (4-3) – “Hello” by Lionel Richie

It’s fitting that the Chargers are one spot behind the Chiefs, because they were one successful QB-center exchange away from beating them last night.

If I had time, I would create a YouTube video with the ball Rivers’ fumbled away singing this Lionel Richie ballad to him. It’s the kind of thing the Internet was invented for. Can’t you just see the ball rolling around on the ground plaintively singing these words to Rivers while the QB laments his “worst day ever“:

Hello!
Is it me you’re looking for?
’cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely?
Or is someone loving you?

17. Oakland Raiders (4-3) – “Ain’t Too Proud To Beg” by The Temptations

The Raiders are a hard team to figure out right now since we have no idea a) what they will get from Carson Palmer and b) if their offensive workhorse Darren McFadden can stay healthy enough all year to keep the pressure off of Palmer.

But we do know one thing: the Raiders were not begging nor pleading for anyone’s sympathy once Jason Campbell went down. They slept on Mike Brown’s doorstep and even let everyone laugh, because they wanted Carson Palmer any way they could get him. Now they have him, and we’ll see if they can just keep winning, baby.

18. Dallas Cowboys (3-4) – “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye

Did the Cowboys even have a Week 8 game? They did? Really? Because the only time I saw a Cowboy show up last week is Tony Romo when he announced that he and his new wife are expecting.

So since I have nothing constructive to say about Dallas’ no show on Sunday night, let’s honor the soon-to-be parents. Take it away Marvin.

19. Chicago Bears (4-3) – “You Keep Me Hanging On” by The Supremes

I tend not to trust teams that have severe offensive line issues, which is why the Bears fall towards the back of the teams bunched at 3-4 wins.

I also wouldn’t trust the Bears if I were Matt Forte, who I think is much closer to Adrian Peterson than Chris Johnson in terms of being deserving of a new contract. Can anyone blame Forte for feeling like the Bears are just keeping him hanging on? I mean really Jerry Angelo. If you’re not going to #paytheman, set him free why don’t ya?

20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-3) – “Brick House” by The Commodores

Tampa Bay was another supposedly up-and-coming team that I didn’t trust heading into the season. They’ve scratched together four wins, but they have looked pretty bad along the way at times.

So in honor of the bricks they’ve thrown up against San Francisco and the first half of the Chicago game in London, not to mention Josh Freeman’s 10 interceptions, here are The Commodores singing about bricks in a much different context.

21. Minnesota Vikings (2-6) – “All Night Long” by Lionel Richie

You know that Adrian Peterson is called “AD” because he can run all day long. Now that Minnesota has handed the reins of its offense over to rookie Christian Ponder, Peterson may have to run all day and all night long to help ease the rook’s transition.

Peterson is more than capable, and the Vikings – who have played better than their record – are more than capable of winning 4-5 of their remaining games if Ponder can just provide adequate play under center.

22. St. Louis Rams (1-6) – “You Can’t Hurry Love” by The Supremes

No, I’m not insane. I’m well aware that before last weekend’s trouncing of the Saints, the Rams hadn’t beaten anyone and hadn’t even really come close. Just consider me to be buying low on the Rams, and when they finish with 5-6 wins, remember that you heard it here first.

You can’t hurry a connection between a new offensive coordinator, an offensive line, and a young QB, but Sam Bradford and Josh McDaniels will get everyone on the same page. Having Brandon Lloyd will help, and having a leader like Steven Jackson to make sure no one mails it in will also keep these Rams on a forward trajectory all season.

23. Carolina Panthers (2-6) – “ABC” by The Jackson 5

Am I drinking the Cam Newton Kool-Aid after 8 games? You’re dadgum right I am, so much so that I came up with 20 teams who, hypothetically speaking of course, should trade their QB for right now for Newton.

I did not think Newton would have an easy transition to the NFL, but he’s made playing quarterback look as easy as A-B-C, 1-2-3. What he has not found so easy to do yet is win, but that will come. He needs more experience and a better team around him, but the Panthers are a team on the rise that no one will want to face in the second half of the season.

24. Tennessee Titans (4-3) – “Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I’m Yours” by Stevie Wonder

In case you were wondering, no, I’m not sold on the Titans.

A win over the Colts does not impress me, nor did the Titans’ previous two non-competitive games against Pittsburgh and Houston. This team was looking good when Kenny Britt was around and emerging as a top receiver, but they seem lost without him.

But hey, at least Chris Johnson is signed, sealed, delivered, and yours, right Tennessee? Or not…

25. Cleveland Browns (3-4) – “Money (That’s What I Want)” by Barrett Strong

In case you hadn’t heard, money is what Peyton Hillis wants. He is not, however, willing to play through strep throat or maintain community commitments in his quest to leverage one partial good season into, apparently, $10 million per yer.

I probably shouldn’t be so hard on the guy. If I were a running back for the Browns, against whom defenses can load up eight men in the box on every play, I might not be so motivated to play either.

26. Washington Redskins (3-4) – “Mercy, Mercy Me” by Marvin Gaye

When your only quarterback choices are Rex Grossman or John Beck, how can Redskins fans or even Mike Shanahan himself say anything other than mercy, mercy me?

The Redskins got off to a fast start this season, but things ain’t what they used to be. With such putrid play under center and so many injuries on offense, a turnaround doesn’t appear to be coming. Redskins fans will just have to keep wondering where did all the blue skies go?

27. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-6) – “Shop Around” by Smokey Robinson and The Miracles

So the Jaguars beat a disinterested Baltimore team in a defensive slopfest a few weeks back. So what?

This team is still going nowhere fast, and even the one positive Jags fans might have been able to take from this season – that the team had finally found a franchise QB – doesn’t seem to be coming to fruition. Based on what I’ve seen from Blaine Gabbert so far this year, I’d say to the Jags that they’d better shop around.

28. Seattle Seahawks (2-5) – “I Want You Back” by The Jackson 5

In Pete Carroll’s first season, the Seahawks made an improbable run to the second round of the NFC Playoffs thanks to playing the in the terrible NFC West. No one in the NFC West seemingly did much to improve themselves in the offseason (who saw the 49ers run coming?), so what does Seattle do to keep the forward momentum going? They get rid of Matt Hasselbeck to turn their most important position on the field over to Charvaris Jackhurst.

Think they might want Hasselbeck and his 89.2 QB rating back now?

29. Arizona Cardinals (1-6) – “What Becomes Of The Brokenhearted” by Jimmy Ruffin

In Super Bowl 43, the Arizona Cardinals indeed became the brokenhearted when Ben Roethlisberger’s pass connected with Santonio Holmes in the corner of the end zone. So what becomes of the brokenhearted in football, who had a good QB who’s now departed? Everything goes to hell and a handbasket, apparently.

After your borderline Hall of Fame quarterback retires and you suffer through an awful season with basically no QB, you know you’ve got to find some kind of peace of mind for your All-World wide receiver. So you overpay for a guy who hasn’t proven he can be a competent starter, he doesn’t get any better, and all the while your defense gets worse and worse.

So, again, what becomes of the brokenhearted? In the case of Cardinals fans, you just go back to how things were before.

30. Denver Broncos (2-5) – “Dancing In The Streets” by Martha and the Vandellas

No matter what happens at the end of the Tim Tebow experience, they’ll be dancing in Dennnnnnver…and there will still surely be opinions everywhere.

Either fans of Tim Tebow will be dancing because he’s proven his worth as a starting QB in the NFL, or the Johns Fox and Elway will be dancing because they can jettison Tebow and get a QB who fits their ideal.

But either way, dancing.

31. Miami Dolphins (0-7) – “Stop! In The Name Of Luck!” by The Supremes

Do you see what I did with the title there?

This is what every Dolphins fan is imploring their team to do every time they have a promising drive or a second half lead. So far, the Dolphins have proven to be epic failures in the 4th quarters of games, which may just be the best thing for the franchise’s future.

Though the players and coaches don’t want to hear it, nor should they, Dolfans and owner Stephen Ross would like the team to stop coming so damn close to winning, and they certainly would like the Colts to stop losing…all in the name of Luck.

32. Indianapolis Colts (0-8) – “Where Did Our Love Go?” by The Supremes

Yep, two straight songs by The Supremes to end it. And why not? At this point I’m not convinced that on the football field Diana Ross and The Supremes would do any worse that Curtis Painter and The Colts or Matt Moore and the Dolphins.

So many lyrics snippets from this song could very well be things that Colts players have uttered verbatim during one of their eight horrific losses this season, with the their plaintive utterances directed at either Peyton Manning or their fans, who abandon them more and more with each demoralizing loss.

Baby, baby
Baby don’t leave me
Ooh, please don’t leave me
All by myself

…

Now that I surrender
So helplessly

…

Where did our love go
And all your promisses
Of a love forever more

You get the idea.

But if all Colts fans have to endure in between decades of success with franchise QBs is one terrible season, I and many others will resent them more than we already do.

###

There are my rankings, and each team’s corresponding Motown classic.

As always, I encourage your agreement, disagreement, and constructive criticisms below, both for the rankings and the song choices.

And now, because it’s one of my all-time favorite Motown songs but I couldn’t find a great team to assign it too, I’ll send you off into the comment section with one more classic tune from the great Marvin Gaye.

This is a question I’ve been thinking about a lot over the past several weeks, as I continue to be more and more impressed (and surprised) by how well Cam Newton is transitioning to the NFL in his first season.

Cam Newton’s Impressive Start

Frankly, I did not think that Newton was going to become a good NFL quarterback. I certainly did not think it would happen this quickly. But this is why I blog about the NFL in my underpants while typing with Cheetos-stained fingers and other people get paid to scout and draft players*.

* – Of course, plenty of people who do not blog about the NFL in their underpants with Cheetos-stained fingers, and who get paid to scout players, agreed with my assessment about Newton. This just goes to show how inexact a science scouting quarterbacks can be. Except for this guy.

As good as he’s been,nobody is ready to put Cam Newton into Canton yet. It takes more than 8 statistically strong games to classify someone as an elite QB, especially when six of those games have resulted in losses.

In fact, we’re going to learn a lot about Newton over these final 8 weeks while the Panthers essentially “play out the string” and Newton is forced to endure the first losing season of his football career. Leading your team in spite of adversity is one of the most important attributes for a successful NFL QB. We’ll see if Newton has that ability. So far he’s given us no reason to doubt him.

Certainly there is no reason to doubt Newton’s physical skills. He is passing for nearly 300 yards per game (299.1), completing 60.6% of his passes, and has thrown 11 touchdown passes against 9 interceptions. Those are solid numbers for any quarterback, let alone a rookie, and they are made even more impressive when his superlative running stats added to the discussion: 5.1 yards per carry and 7 rushing touchdowns.

And the numbers don’t tell the whole story.

Whereas Tim Tebow’s numbers are not nearly as poor as you might think, and in fact compare favorably to several Hall of Famers’ stats through five starts, Tebow hasn’t looked at all like an NFL QB. Cam Newton, on the other hand, has. He’s played with poise throughout games, including late, and he’s shown that he can make all the throws. He also has shown the ability to hit guys for big plays down the field when they are a open, which is an absolute requisite skill for a quarterback in the NFL. When a QB has a chance to make a big play, it must be made more often than not; simple as that.

Newton has been far from perfect, and he has plenty of growing to do, but I don’t think anyone is anything but highly impressed with his first eight games as an NFL quarterback. Many may not have been as low on Newton as I was before the season, but I doubt anyone other than Cam himself expected this kind of success out of the gate.

And all of this leads me back to my original question: how many NFL teams would trade their QB right now for Cam Newton?

Hypothetically Speaking…

For our purposes, assume that everything is how it is (team records, contracts, rosters, coaches, etc) and that every NFL team is given the option of swapping its current QB right now for Newton. I admit that is 100% ridiculous because Carolina wouldn’t trade Cam Newton for anyone (except maybe Aaron Rodgers…), but humor me for the sake of discussion. The result of this hypothetical transaction would be Newton quarterbacking the team for the rest of this season, in place of their current QB, and then being their QB through the rest of his rookie contract.

There are a number of easy answers on both sides, teams that wouldn’t even think twice about saying yes or no:

• Automatic No: New England, Pittsburgh, Green Bay, New Orleans, New York Giants
• Automatic Yes: Miami, Cleveland, Tennessee, Jacksonville, Oakland, Kansas City, Denver, Washington, Seattle

I shouldn’t have to defend any of the automatic “no” choices. Each team has a Super Bowl-winning QB, and each team feels it is a contender this season. As tantalized as they may be by Newton, none of these teams would trade their guy for him. (And anyone who doesn’t think Eli deserves this kind of respect is, in my opinion, crazy.)

As for the automatic yeses, I can maybe-possibly see some saying that Tennessee and Jacksonville have “QBs of the future” in Jake Locker and Blaine Gabbert, but both teams would have rather had Newton in the draft and surely would rather have him now. These and the others are absolute no-brainers to me.

Now let’s go one-by-one through the remaining teams and figure out a) if they would trade their current QB for Cam Newton, and b) if they should trade their current QB for Cam Newton, because I bet the answers won’t often be the same. Of course these are all just my opinions based on how I see each team’s situation.

As always, I encourage disagreement, discussion, and even constructive criticism. That’s what comment sections are for. And there is a poll at the end of this post so we can crowdsource some kind of consensus for the non-obvious teams.

Here goes…

Buffalo Bills – Ryan Fitzpatrick (current record: 5-2)

The Bills just locked Fitzpatrick up to a long-term contract that will pay him $24 million and keep him as the signal caller in Buffalo for at least the next 2-3 years. Considering the deal Arizona signed Kevin Kolb to in the offseason, Fitzpatrick certainly deserves this contract. He has passed for 1,739 yards this year and twice as many touchdowns as interceptions, and he’s led Buffalo to first place in the AFC East. There is perhaps concern that Fitzpatrick is playing over his head, as his current completion rate is 8 points higher than his career average, and his QB rating is 20 points higher than his career average, but Fitzpatrick also could just be showing the normal progression that a good young NFL quarterback will make.

Personally, I’m not sold on Fitzpatrick as a top-tier option for the future who can compete against the likes of Brady, Roethlisberger, and Peyton Manning If He Plays Again (his new name). Fitzpatrick is a solid guy who can transition you from one franchise QB to the next, but I don’t think he is the type of QB who will make you a winner year in, year out. Cam Newton may be. But with the Bills sitting in first place in the AFC East, and the good feelings of the contract still fresh, I don’t think they’d make the move even though I would.

• Would they? No
• Should they? Yes

New York Jets – Mark Sanchez (4-3)

This is one of the more intriguing ones.

Even though Mark Sanchez has really done nothing to show that he can or will become a top-tier NFL quarterback (54.7% completions, 41 TD:39 INT for career), he has ridden the coattails of a great defense and an above-average running game to two straight AFC title games. His coach continues to profess confidence in him, and I think would rather win with “his guy” Sanchez, or die trying, than admit he was wrong and bring in another QB…at least right now.

Simply put: I think most objective people would make this trade in a heartbeat, and maybe the Jets front office would force it to happen; but I think Rex Ryan is so dug in with Sanchez that he’d do everything to veto it and give Sanchez another chance to finish the job this year. (I’ll be curious to hear from Jets fans on this one…)

• Would they? No
  
• Should they? Yes

Cincinnati Bengals – Andy Dalton (5-2)

Here is another one where short-term success might lead to myopic thinking.

The Bengals are, shockingly, sitting at 5-2 with their red-haired rookie QB and glue-handed rookie WR leading the offense. The Bengals’ defense has been great so far this season, but Dalton has been far from just a caretaker. He’s thrown 9 TDs and is completing 62.4% of his passes. Dalton’s sprint out of the gate has been nothing short of shocking.

But here is where I throw a little cold water on the fire: Cincinnati has beaten Cleveland, Buffalo, Jacksonville, Indianapolis, and Seattle. Buffalo is good, the other four teams are not. So do we really know how good Dalton is? I don’t think so. In his one start against a god defense this year, Week 3 versus San Francisco, he was putrid. We’ll know a lot more about Dalton after his four games against Baltimore and Pittsburgh.

Like many teams, Cincy would have jumped at the chance to draft Cam Newton, but their first place positioning in the AFC North, and the fans’ growing attachment to Dalton, plus their history of personnel ineptitude, lead me to believe that the Bengals would forgo the chance to get Newton to hang onto Dalton. It would be a mistake.

• Would they? No
  
• Should they? Yes

As you can see, I have little faith in Ryan Fitzpatrick, Mark Sanchez, or Andy Dalton, at least in relation to Cam Newton; but I also have little faith that any of their teams would trade them for Newton.

This next one though might be the most intriguing of all.

Baltimore Ravens – Joe Flacco (5-2)

Ever since Joe Flacco has taken over as QB in Baltimore, the Ravens’ offense has been as up-and-down as any offense in the NFL. Flacco has seven games in which he has tossed three or more touchdowns. He also 24 games in which he’s thrown zero touchdowns, including four playoff games (though he often gets credited with being a “winning” playoff QB). All the while, Baltimore has had a good-to-great defense and a solid running game.

Now in his fourth year, and with just one TD pass in his last four games, can the Ravens and team leaders like Ray Lewis and Terrell Suggs really still have that much confidence in Flacco? I know they call him “Joe Cool” because he never seems rattled, but that’s mostly because he barely looks like he has a pulse at times. Cam Newton also never gets rattled, but he plays with an energy and smile that are both infectious. Yes, I’m one of those who believes that how you “look” and what your body language says means something when you’re the QB. Whatever Flacco may have over Newton in experience is negated by his comatose on-field appearance.

All of this is to say that I would, in a heartbeat, trade Flacco for Newton if I was the Ravens. After the last four games, and with Lewis especially running out of time, I think the Ravens would too.

• Would they? Yes
  
• Should they? Yes

Indianapolis Colts – Peyton Manning (0-8)

Of course the Colts would trade Curtis Painter straight up for Cam Newton. Duh. But what’s the fun in that? The real juicy question would be, right this very moment, would the Colts trade Peyton Manning If He Plays Again for Newton? And the answer is that none of us have enough information to answer. It would all come down to Manning’s health.

If there is even an iota of a chance that he can come back and play at 80-85% of his previous effectiveness, Indy would hold onto Peyton. But if they doubt he ever plays again, even if he wants to and is working like the dickens to get back, wouldn’t Indy have to trade for Cam as opposed to waiting around to see if they suck enough for Luck?

Ultimately, I think the uncertainty would tip the scales in favor of keeping Manning, and that’s the right call. It feels like there is something unfinished about Manning’s tenure in Indianapolis, and though I logically know that neck injuries can end careers, I’d still be shocked if Manning never suits up for Indy again. So I can’t see Indy pulling the trigger on this move. And with the team possibly positioning itself to draft Andrew Luck anyway, there would be no reason to trade Manning before they know as much as possible about his potential comeback.

I anticipate a lot of debate and perhaps disagreement about this one. In fact, I’m already starting to disagree with myself. I better just move along.

• Would they? No
• Should they? No

Houston Texans – Matt Schaub (5-3)

I don’t think for a second that Houston would even entertain this thought, not with Schaub and Kubiak finally on the cusp of making it to the playoffs. As good/bland as Schaub may be, good/bland isn’t necessarily an awful thing for a QB to be on a team that has a great running game, an elite WR, and a strong defense. This is the first time Houston has had all three working in the same season, and Schaub is the right guy to lead them. I wouldn’t mess with what they have going right now, not with the AFC South up for grabs this year and into the future, and I don’t think they would either.

• Would they? No
  
• Should they? No

San Diego Chargers – Philip Rivers (4-2)

Coming into this season it would have seemed laughable for Philip Rivers to be on this list, and perhaps it still is, but Rivers has thrown 7 TDs against 9 INTs this year, and it’s not like he has a Super Bowl title or many playoff skins on the wall to grant him immunity from at least entering this discussion.

Still, I doubt there is a chance the Chargers would seriously consider it. Rivers has a strong regular season track record over multiple seasons, and he has undoubtedly been hurt by Antonio Gates’ absence early this season. Just like I don’t think teams should overreact to a fast early season start and overrate their players (as may be the case right now in Buffalo and Cincy), I don’t think teams should underrate their players because of a slow start.

The irony of ironies, of course, is that the slow-starting Chargers are off to a fast 4-2 start during the season when their QB has more or less stunk. Go figure.

• Would they? No
  
• Should they? No

Philadelphia Eagles – Michael Vick (3-4)

Another one that is fascinating to think about. The Eagles went all-in on this season and are just now starting to dig themselves out of their early season hole. As tempting as it might be to get Newton, who is similar to Vick but with 6-7 years less mileage, I can’t see Andy Reid doing it. Vick is the better choice for this season and the Eagles are in it to win it in 2011.

That said, I think Newton is showing the ability to do a lot of the things Vick couldn’t or wouldn’t do early in his career. I’d love to see what Reid could do with a guy like Newton, who is not quite the runner Vick is but who is light years ahead of where Vick was as a passer in his rookie season. Just because the Eagles picked this year as the year to go for it all doesn’t mean they should necessarily mortgage a chance to improve themselves for the long term. And is Vick really playing so well that Newton couldn’t come close to replicating him, thus keeping the Eagles in contention this year? I don’t think so.

• Would they? No
  
• Should they? Yes
  

Dallas Cowboys – Tony Romo (3-4)

Whatever my answer is here it is sure to stir up some controversy, just because that’s how any discussions about Tony Romo are sure to go.

I’ve always been a Romo supporter, thinking that his critics didn’t give him enough credit for being one of the top 10 QBs in the league. While I still think Romo is an above average QB, I’m not as sold on him anymore as a potential champion. Sure, with the right supporting cast he could win a Super Bowl – hell, Trent Dilfer won a Super Bowl – but I’m no longer sure that Romo can lead a franchise to a Super Bowl, and there is a big difference.

I don’t know if Cam Newton can lead a team to a Super Bowl either. It’s way to early to even consider such questions. But we did just see him lead his college team to a championship in the toughest conference in all of college football, all while rumors and innuendo and investigations were swirling around him constantly. Newton’s got it, whatever it is, and Tony Romo hasn’t proven that he does. So wouldn’t it be worth taking a chance on Newton if you’re convinced Romo probably can’t be the guy to lead a champion?

The answer to this one comes down to your belief in Romo. I no longer believe. Give me Cam. Unfortunately for Cowboys fans, Jerry Jones probably still believes in Romo. At the least, he believes in his own ego and won’t want to admit Romo can’t get it done. Hell, he wouldn’t even trade Martellus Bennett to Cincinnati for a second round pick. Why would he trade Romo for Newton?

• Would they? No
  
• Should they? Yes
  

Detroit Lions – Matthew Stafford (6-2)

I considered putting the Lions in the automatic no category, but Mr. Glass didn’t deserve to be considered on par with Brady, Ben, Aaron Rogers, and Drew Brees. He hasn’t played a full season yet, and he hasn’t been so transcendent when he has played that Detroit wouldn’t at least consider the move.

I don’t think they’d do it though. Even with Stafford making way more money than Cam, he is the guy they have built around, and I don’t think the Lions would shake up the franchise that drastically when it is finally experiencing a true ascension.

As for me, I’d do it. Cam is showing that he knows how to utilize a top-fight receiver, and he he does not carry the same injury-prone reputation of Stafford. Add in the cost savings of Newton’s contract over Stafford’s, and I’d much rather have the rookie over the third year guy, even for the rest of the this year and certainly beyond.

• Would they? No
  
• Should they? Yes
  

Chicago Bears – Jay Cutler (4-3)

See the entry above about Joe Flacco, replace his name with “Jay Cutler” and replace “Ray Lewis” with “Brian Urlacher”. There is no reason for me to repeat myself.

• Would they? Yes
  
• Should they? Yes

Minnesota Vikings – Christian Ponder (2-6)

Ponder and the Vikings beat Newton and the Panthers this past weekend, with Ponder having his second straight impressive start. And while Vikings fans are slowly talking themselves into the Ponder Era, the reality is that the Vikings would have traded St. Paul to draft Newton last year, and as polished as Ponder seems to be both on and off the field, he doesn’t have 1/10th the physical potential of Newton. Minnesota probably should have been an automatic.

• Would they? Yes
  
• Should they? Yes
  

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Josh Freeman (4-3)

Freeman was the up-and-coming superstar young quarterback coming into this season, but he has fallen back down to earth a bit through the first half of the year. His interceptions are way up, and he just doesn’t seem as comfortable or confident as he was last year, when he and rookie Mike Williams were as explosive as just about any QB-WR combo in the league.

Still, despite his struggles, I think Tampa Bay is committed to Freeman as the future of its franchise, and I know that Raheem Morris (who coached Freeman in college) believes in his young QB. Freeman is another guy who surprised me by having a smoother transition to the NFL than I thought he would. He has all of the physical tools to bust out of his current slump and still become a top-10 QB. I’d hold tight, and I think Tampa Bay would too.

• Would they? No
  
• Should they? No
  

Atlanta Falcons – Matt Ryan (4-3)

Like the Lions with Stafford, I don’t think Atlanta would consider making this move for more than a few seconds, but Ryan is not quite the slam dunk franchise QB that some make him out to be. He has not risen to the occasion in the Falcons’ biggest games, and he does not possess the accuracy that the top flight quarterbacks all have. He does “look” the part, he’s tough, and he’s a strong leader, which is why Atlanta is surely satisfied with Ryan and not looking to move on, nor should they be. As many questions as I have about Ryan, he’s shown enough to make me think that, unlike Romo, he could lead a franchise to a Super Bowl. With the investment Atlanta has already made in him, they’d hold tight, and I agree.

• Would they? No
  
• Should they? No
  

San Francisco 49ers – Alex Smith (6-1)

Another very, very intriguing one simply because of how this season has started. This one falls right in line with the Bills and Bengals, two teams doing far better than anyone expected thanks to solid play from their QB. Smith has not been asked to win games for the 49ers this year, he’s just been asked not to lose them with a great defense and solid running game by his side. And he hasn’t.

Still, this is Alex Smith. He has not done anything spectacular this year that Cam Newton couldn’t have done, even as a rookie. The issue would be whether Newton would have made mistakes that Smith wouldn’t have made to sabotage the 49ers in a game or two. That I don’t know. But I do know that, again, this is Alex Smith. As solid as he’s been, and as much of an impact as Jim Harbaugh has made on him, the difference in talent and swagger between he and Newton is obvious.

To me, the 6-1 record of the 49ers, and their incredible four game lead this early in this season, would make the team more likely to do such a deal. They’d have some cushion if Newton struggled to adapt to his new surroundings; though one thing we have learned about Newton is that he rarely if ever struggles to adapt. It may be his greatest strength of all.

• Would they? Yes (Well…maybe…probably)
  
• Should they? Yes
  

St. Louis Rams – Sam Bradford (1-6)

Following right along with my thoughts on Stafford and Ryan, I don’t think there is much of a chance that St. Louis would pull the plug on the Bradford Era already, especially considering Bradford was the NFL’s Rookie of the Year last year and just needs protection and a few good targets to showcase his pinpoint accuracy. But like Stafford and Ryan, Bradford hasn’t earned Automatic No status. So the Rams might think about it, especially considering the money, but I think they’d stick with Bradford, and I wouldn’t blame them. I still think he’s going to be a star.

• Would they? No
  
• Should they? No
  

Arizona Cardinals – Kevin Kolb (1-6)

I thought long and hard about putting Arizona in Automatic Yes territory, but would they really cut the cord on Kolb so soon after giving him a long-term deal? Of course they should, but we know how egos sometimes get in the way of sound decision making, so I just wonder if they would.

Ultimately, I think so. Larry Fitzgerald has to be watching Cam Newton resuscitate Steve Smith’s career and get horribly jealous. That’s what Kolb was supposed to do for Fitzy, but obviously he hasn’t come close. Not that Arizona should be surprised by this mind you, because Kolb is basically just doing exactly what he did in Philadelphia. What, should he have turned down the money?

I don’t think it would take Arizona very long to say yes here.

• Would they? Yes
  
• Should they? Yes

###

So, how many teams would trade their current QB for Cam Newton right now?

Okay, let’s tally up the “would they” column, as decided by me:

• No: Buffalo, New York Jets, Cincinnati, Indianapolis, Houston, San Diego, Philadelphia, Dallas, Detroit, Tampa Bay, Atlanta, St. Louis
• Yes: Baltimore, Chicago, Minnesota, San Francisco, Arizona

Combined with the automatics from up above, that means I think 14 teams would trade their current starting quarterback straight up for Cam Newton. That seems very low to me; and of course it would seem low to me because I personally project a lot of disconnect between what teams should do and what they would do were this a real rather than hypothetical situation.

If I tally it up in terms of my “should they” answers, it would look much different:

• No: Indianapolis, Houston, San Diego, Tampa Bay, Atlanta, St. Louis
• Yes: Buffalo, New York Jets, Baltimore, Cincinnati, Philadelphia, Dallas, Chicago, Detroit, Minnesota, San Francisco, Arizona

Based on what I would do in each team’s case, I think 20 teams’ QB situations would be improved immediately with Cam Newton. Maybe for a few there would be a short-term step back, but it would be worth it for the projected long-term steps forward.

But what I am really interested in here is your opinion.

Below is a poll that lists all of the teams I think are not obvious. Vote for all of the ones who you think should (not necessarily would) trade their current QB straight up for Cam Newton in our hypothetical fantasy. Then take to the comment section to state your peace or to agree/disagree with any of my assessments.

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

I invite your thoughts below.

Before we count down the NFL’s suckiest, let’s get our weekly reminder of what the contestants are playing for.

Before this past Saturday, we already knew that Andrew Luck can throw, that he can run, that he can tackle, that he can catch, and that he can design tall buildings (while probably being able to leap over them too), but now we also know that he can respond to adversity and be clutch when he needs to be.

It's a bird. It's a plane. It's Superluck! (Photo credit: AP/Jae C. Hong via ESPN.com)

The undefeated and highly ranked Stanford Cardinal faced their first real test of the season on Saturday against Matt Barkley, Layla Kiffin, and the USC Trojans. Luck and the Cardinal were able to overcome a late interception by The Chosen One to force overtime, where they ultimately won 56-48 after three extra frames.

Luck’s numbers were predictably sterling. He was 29-40 for 330 yards, 3 TDs, and that one interception. Yet, because Andrew Luck excretes lilies and daffodils and toots potpourri, even that pick is being turned into a positive. It’s almost as if Luck threw the pick-6 (which put USC up 7 with three minutes play) just to challenge himself and show us all that not only can he dominate people but he can vanquish adversity too.

Either way, everyone who was bowing at the alter of Luck before Saturday (which is everyone) is doing so with even more vigor now.

The question is, after another Sunday of NFL action, which “professional” football teams are putting themselves in the best position to draft Luck and guarantee themselves at least 8 out of the next 10 Super Bowls?

As we do every week, we’ll break it down for you right here in the Suck 4 Luck Power Rankings.

 NFL “Suck 4 Luck” Power Rankings for Week 9

1. Miami Dolphins (0-7)

The Dolphins did it again. They played a halfway decent game, were competitive against a good team, and still found a way to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

Quarterback Matt Mooreino turned in the best passing day by a Dolphins QB since Week 1: 13-22, 138 yards, 0 TDs, and a 1 INT. He also ran the ball five times for 31 yards, equaling the career rushing output of Dan Marino. The ‘Fins even got 120 total yards from Reggie Bush (including 103 on the ground!) as the full-time Pizza Hut pitchman and part-time running back used rumors of a Kim Kardashian-Kris Humphries break up to motivate himself into the best game he’s played since stonewalling NCAA investigators.

But, as usual for these Dolphins, it was all for naught. The Giants won 20-17, outscoring Miami 10-0 in the decisive 4th quarter, dropping the Dolphins to 0-7.

I continue to keep Miami in the top spot because of the fact that luck seems to be so much on their side in their quest for the #1 pick. They continue to be in ball games yet somehow lose/win. It’s very curious. It’s almost as if they are a team of destiny. Much like the St. Louis Cardinals just couldn’t seem to lose after late August, the Dolphins cannot seem to “lose” either.

2. Indianapolis Colts (0-8)

I suppose the Colts really could be considered 1a. In fact, objectively, they probably should be #1 were it not for my own wishful thinking. Indianapolis already has one more loss than the Dolphins, plus they are by far a worse team. Indy’s point differential is -131, and they are the only team other than St. Louis to have a differential of 100 or more. Miami’s is just -59.

On the bright side for the Colts, they may finally have found the heir apparent to Marshall Faulk and Edgerrin James. Curtis “Thor” Painter rumbled for an 11.3 yard per carry average on seven rushing attempts against Tennessee on Sunday. So if they do end up with Andrew Luck, it will surely help the rookie’s transition to have Painter behind him ready to ground and pound.

Also in the Colts’ favor is the continued presence of Jim Caldwell. Maybe it’s time we stop criticizing Tony Dungy for hand-picking a cardboard cutout of himself to be the Colts coach. Dungy knew in 2009 when he tabbed Caldwell to be the coach that the Manning Era would have to end at some point. That clearly has to be why he nominated Caldwell and his 26-63 career head coaching record (all compiled at Wake Forest) to be the man. Now three years later, everything Dungy did to build the Colts up has come crashing down. Oh sure, blame it all on Peyton’s injury. But as I presciently did last season, I blame Caldwell.

Clearly these are the two favorites to suck enough for Luck. As we did last week, I’ll put it to a vote and let you decide who has the leg up.

Last week, the Dolphins narrowly edged the Colts 49%-47% in the voting, with St. Louis siphoning off the other 4%. Now that the Rams have eliminated themselves by trading for a #1 WR and stomping the Saints, who is #1?

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

3. Denver Broncos (2-5)

Tim Tebow is struggling so mightily, with a gameplan so clearly not tailored to his strengths, that national writers are penning articles like this one, accusing John Fox of sabotaging his QB. What else really needs to be said about the situation in Denver right now?

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: John Elway would loooooove to get his hands on Andrew Luck. Not only is Luck perhaps the greatest college QB prospect since Elway himself, he’s a fellow Stanford Cardinal who has all the skills to excel in a pro style offense. Though I doubt he’s a Satan worshiper, and he may well win a Heisman and perhaps a national title, Luck is otherwise the exact opposite of Tebow. And as much as I like Tebow and want to him succeed, it’s not going to happen in Denver. That’s obvious.

However, whether the Broncos stick with Tebow, or let Brady Quinn prance around and overthrow open receivers, or turn back to Kyle Orton, they are not going to be winning many games. They may have already won too many to have a prayer of competing with the Dolphins and Colts, but damn it if they won’t try from here on out.

4. Arizona Cardinals (1-6)

The Cardinals are now tied with the surging Rams for last place in the NFC West, a full five games behind the 49ers with not even half the season over. That is remarkable. What is also remarkable is how much Kevin Kolb continues to suck and how badly Arizona defends the pass. If either were not true, they would have been able to beat the Ravens on Sunday.

Alas, it keeps getting worse for the Cardinals, now losers of six straight, with little reason for hope on the horizon.

5. Washington Redskins (3-4)

Yep, I’m putting Washington above a handful teams with 1 and 2 losses. Why? Because John Beck and Rex Grossman, that’s why.

Washington tricked everyone into thinking that they were a different team this year when they started 3-1. Nope. They’re the same crappy team with the same crappy QB play and same creepy-looking coach.

Image source: UnathleticMag

Remember, I’m trying to project forward here, and after getting shutout by the Bills, and with so many injuries stacking up, and with one of the few owners who might actually be clueless enough to order a “Suck 4 Luck” strategy, the Redskins have plenty of time and potential to make up their loss deficit before the season ends.

6. Seattle Seahawks (2-5)

It’s good to be the San Francisco 49ers. Half of their division is in the top 6 in the Suck 4 Luck Power Rankings, and the team not yet listed is already buried five games below in the standings.

As for Seattle, they just let Cincinnati completely obliterate the supposed Qwest Field advantage. A rookie QB and a rookie WR, playing without their workhorse running back, strode into Seattle, kicked the Seahawks asses all over the field, and left the Seahawks with a 2-5 record and one of the league’s worst point differentials.

But hey, on the bright side, even though the Seahawks have probably won too much to get Luck, they might be in a good position to grab Matt Barkley. In all seriousness, he won’t be a bad consolation prize for whoever doesn’t quite suck enough.

7. Cleveland Browns (3-4)

Yep, another 3-4 team gets listed before a bunch of teams with fewer wins. But forgive me for not being impressed by victories over the Colts, Dolphins, and Seahawks. Yes, those are the three teams Cleveland has beaten, so you tell me why they should be ranked ahead of a team like St. Louis, which can beat New Orleans, or Carolina, which actually has an offense that can score points.

Cleveland is almost completely devoid of difference-makers on the offensive side of the ball. San Francisco exposed that again yesterday. And with the schedule about to get much, much tougher (at Houston, @ Cincinnati, two games v Baltimore and Pittsburgh), I’m having a hard time seeing where the wins are going to come from outside of games against St. Louis, Arizona, and Jacksonville.

8. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-6)

Speaking of Jacksonville, the Jaguars come in at #8 this week. Admittedly, you could make a case for the Jags to be as high as 5th on this list, but I guess I feel bad for assuming they’d lose last Monday night. Plus, the Jags still have two games left against Indianapolis and one against Cleveland, which should guarantee them at least two more wins.

9. St. Louis Rams (1-6)

I have been very hesitant to bury this team because of my belief in Sam Bradford and my thinking that by the time Bradford and Josh McDaniels get on the same page the Rams’ schedule will ease up and give them the opportunity to get some wins. I didn’t expect a victory over New Orleans, but this does show what the Rams are capable of doing.

With Brandon Lloyd now giving whoever plays QB a legitimate #1 option, and Steven Jackson playing like a man possessed, it would not surprise me at all to see the Rams parlay future games against Arizona, Cleveland, Seattle, Arizona again, and Seattle again into at least 3-4 more victories. If they can steal one against San Francisco in Week 17 (with the 49ers likely to have a playoff spot locked up), this could be a 6 or 7 win team by the time it’s all said and done.

10. Dallas Cowboys (3-4)

I could have, and perhaps should have, chosen the Panthers or Vikings for this spot. But based on what I saw yesterday, the Panthers and the Vikings would both have demolished Dallas. Did the Cowboys even show up in Philadelphia Sunday night? It sure didn’t look like it. And though it’s easy to say that Dallas could be 5-2 or 6-1 right now, they could also be 1-6 or 2-5 if the balls didn’t bounce their way against San Francisco and Washington.

Seriously, the Dallas Cowboys football team is a football team that needs to play football much better than they have been playing football in football games during this football season football football football.

Image source: Popfi.com

No really. It’s time for Tony Romo, Rob Ryan, and the Cowboys to put up or shut up, but they’ll probably just keep playing like the middle-of-the-pack team that they are and finish 8-8. Either way, it’s now legitimate to start wondering if the Panthers and Vikings are more settled at QB than the Cowboys. I’ve long been a Tony Romo supporter, but even I’m starting to lose the faith that he’ll ever become anything more than what he is: good, but nowhere near great.

Honorable mention: Carolina (2-6), Minnesota (2-6), Kansas City Chiefs (3-3), New Orleans (5-3)…just for this week.

**********

Okay folks, now it’s your chance to agree with me, ream me, or just tell me how ridiculous of a post idea this is and how it sullies the integrity of the game. All’s fair in love and comment sections. Have at it.

* – Okay, so I didn’t see 253 yards coming; no one did. But considering the amount of good RBs on bye, the matchup, Felix Jones’ injury, and the Cowboys’ lack of trust in Tashard Choice, the writing was on the wall for Murray to put forth a startable performance. Boy did he ever.

Murray was only started in 42% of Yahoo leagues yesterday, and he is owned in only 58% of leagues. The latter figure will preclude Murray from being mentioned in Andy Bottoms’ weekly Waiver Wire Pickups column (due to be posted later this afternoon), which is why I wanted to take a few minutes to write about Murray this morning, who will undoubtedly be in high demand on waiver wires where he remains over the next 48 hours, and with good reason.

But here is a side of the Murray fury that is sure to be overlooked: if you already have Murray, or if you are awarded him on waivers come Wednesday morning, you may be best served by selling high on him immediately. It’s possible his value it at its absolute highest right now.

The Positives

There are many reasons to be excited about DeMarco Murray and why you should absolutely use a #1 waiver priority on him:

• 253 f’ing yards.
• He plays for an explosive offense, meaning opposing defenses can’t stack the box to stop him.
• The #1 running back in Dallas is the oft-injured Felix Jones.
• Murray’ competition for carries when Jones is out is the untrusted Choice and and some other no-name rookie who gobbled up some garbage yards against the Rams.
• The Cowboys’ bye has already passed, so no weeks off from here on out

It should go without saying that if he’s on waivers, no matter your waiver position, you go after him. And if you’re in an FAAB league, don’t be shy about bidding a pretty penny for his services. Every year there are unsung backs who emerge from the woodwork midseason or later and carry teams to the playoffs. Murray could well be that guy this year.

Reasons To Sell High

But Murray also is a guy you should consider selling high, especially if you have depth at running back and can find a team that is desperate for RB help.

For example, let’s say that you have Adrian Peterson  and Fred Jackson, a reasonable RB combo for a team to have, and you also have Darren Sproles, Jackie Battle, and Mike Tolbert on your bench. You have tremendous RB depth, to the point that Murray is far from an automatic start for you even with Felix Jones injured. If you can find a team that needs a second (or even a first) running back, and they have a QB or wide receiver who would immediately improve your starting lineup, be bold and offer Murray to them.

The fantasy football community’s general opinion on a player can change from week to week. We all know that. Murray is the current flavor of the week, and nothing gets fantasy football owners excited like a young running back coming on midseason who is available to acquire. We are also at the crunch time point in the season where people with teams on the brink are willing to make bold moves to fortify their lineups for the stretch run. But it’s important to act quickly if you want to get maximum return on Murray, because there are plenty of reasons to be skeptical that he can be a top 20 running back from this point until the end of the season.

Among the reasons for skepticism:

• The Rams are the worst defense against the run in the NFL. The worst. Ryan Torain gashed them for 100+ years several weeks ago and hasn’t done a damn thing since. Granted, 253 yards is impressive against anyone, but it’s not like he did it against the Ravens. Let’s have some perspective.
• The Cowboys’ offensive line cannot be trusted to run block against good competition, as the team’s rushing yards per game average before Week 7 proved. Not only are they are starting a lot of young guys who haven’t played a full season together, they are dealing with injuries to those guys.
• The Cowboys’ red zone offense leaves a lot to be desired. Sure, red zone proficiency doesn’t mean much when you can take one to the house from 91 yards away, but big plays like that are hard to predict and typically few and far between. Running backs who produce fantasy points consistently usually a) get carries inside the red zone and b) convert them with relative efficiency. Murray and the Cowboys’ offense have not proven they can do either this year.
• Though injury-prove, Felix Jones is not out for the season. He was supposedly out 2-4 weeks as of mid last week, meaning Murry should have one or a couple games as the Cowboys’ feature back before Jones returns to steal touches.

As you can see, there is good reason to have a balanced opinion on the future of DeMarco Murray. A 253-yard performance against any defense is not to be taken lightly, and Murray has proven that he has significant potential to help fantasy owners for the rest of the season; but there are also numerous objective reasons to have healthy skepticism about his ability to top, maintain, or even come close to what he did in Week 7 from here on out.

The final verdict is this:

• First, get DeMarco Murray off waivers if you can. He’s worth up to a #1 waiver wire priority and/or a large chunk of your remaining FAAB budget.
• Second, target teams in your league that are a) still in contention and b) in need of a running back who would immediately enter their starting lineup.
• Third, shoot for the moon. The idea here is to sell high, not just sell. Treat Murray like a top 10-15 running back in your own mind and ask for a player in return of commensurate value. The goal is to find another owner who agrees with that inflated (at least in my opinion) value and nets you a more proven stud at another position of need.
• Fourth, don’t be upset if you can’t get a king’s ransom in return for Murray…and only trade him if you can. If you can’t, just be happy that you’ve go another source of running back depth with the potential to be a second half stud.

**********

* – DeMarco Murray image credit: Layne Murdoch/Getty Images via ESPN.com

And speaking of that Cable Guy-euphemism…how did the object of everyone’s suckaffection do this week? Eh, so so.

Andrew Luck’s 4th-ranked Stanford Cardinal eeked out a 65-21 victory over then-25th ranked Washington. Luck was a Krenzelesque 16-21 for 169 yards and two TDs. Obviously the yardage and TD totals are thoroughly disappointing, but at least he improved his shaky 70+ completion percentage to a now-respectable 71.8%.

The real star of the game was the Cardinal rushing attack, which featured three players who ran for at least 93 yards. Hey, maybe whoever gets picks two and three in this year’s draft should take a look at Stephan Taylor, Tyler Gaffney, and/or Anthony Wilkerson to shore up their running game…(or not, since taking running backs not named Adrian Peterson early in drafts is dumb, dumb, dumb).

Now that we’ve reviewed the stakes, let’s take our weekly look at how the suckiest of the sucky stack up in the race to suck to the lucky bottom* of this year’s NFL standings.

* – assuming, of course, that the junior Luck actually turns pro. That’s right, he’s still only a junior. Didn’t you know? Wouldn’t it just be so knee-slapping funny if he didn’t after all the commotion about him this season.

Suck 4 Luck Power Rankings: Week 8

1. Miami Dolphins (0-6)

This is not to take anything away from the impressive case that Indianapolis made last night for the #1 spot in these prestigious rankings, but sometimes margin of defeat and margin of suck are not directly correlated.

Unlike many teams that are winless this far into the season, the Dolphins have actually, legitimately outplayed most of their opponents for the majority of their games. If you’ve spent any time watching this team, you know that this amazing statement is true. To continue losing while outplaying teams, in some respects, is more pathetic than just straight up sucking…like the Rams. (More on that steaming batch of suck in a minute.)

Yesterday, the Dolphins became the first team since the merger to lose a game in which they were up by 15 or more points with three minutes or less to play in regulation. And they lost to a team that was being led by some of the worst quarterback play I’ve ever seen. I’m on record as liking and supporting Tim Tebow’s NFL chances, but there is no other way to describe his play through 55 minutes yesterday than the following sentence. Up until Denver’s improbable comeback, I could have dropped a deuce in a brown paper sack, lit it on fire, and set it on someone’s porch, and bystanders (even the owner of the house on whose porch the turd sack was flaming) would have had a hard time deciphering whether that or Tebow was better suited to play QB in the NFL.

Between allowing Tebow to be Good Tebow during those final five minutes, and not recovering an inside kick that was in their hands, and the awful call by Tony Sparano to go for two, and the oh-so-appropriate shots of Stephen Ross chatting up Urban Meyer during the 4th quarter…the smog of suck that engulfed Miami yesterday simply cannot be topped, even though Drew Brees just now threw another TD pass against the Colts.

Speaking of…

2. Indianapolis Colts (0-7)

Congratulations to the Colts, the first team to seven losses in 2011! Round of applause everybody!

Colts fans looking for solace after the Sunday night drubbing in New Orleans (62-7…’nuff said) need to look no further than Jim Caldwell’s post game comments (via PFT).

“I have to take responsibility for our team and the way that they played. We just didn’t play well,” Caldwell said. “I think the guys fought. We didn’t execute well, but I think the effort was good.”

A team loses by 55 points, and the head coach takes responsibility? What a shocking and rare display of leadership by the catatonic Caldwell. That’ll turn some shiz some around!

To celebrate, here is an animated GIF of Caldwell taking responsibility:

Image source: The Scores Report

And be heartened Colts fans: the men who get paid millions to play a game “fought” and “the effort was good.” Whew. Good to know. Both are unexpected positives to take away from last night’s Mardi Gross celebration on Colts Fans Need Borboun Street.

Still, at least the Colts got bludgeoned by a good team. And at least their fans knew it was over within five minutes, rather than the Dolphins, who tricked their fans into thinking they’d get a win against a bad team until five minutes were left in the game.

3. St. Louis Rams (0-6)

The Rams got manhandled by the Cowboys. There is not other way to describe it.

Dallas’ offense had been having trouble running in place this season, let alone forward for positive yardage. Yet, somehow, with backup running rookie DeMarco Murray filling in for the injured Felix Jones, and a bevy of offensive line issues, the Cowboys rushed for damn near 300 yards en route to a 34-7 bitch slap of Steve Spagnuolo’s crew.

I’m not going to come down as hard on the Rams as I am on the Dolphins or Colts though. The Rams will actually be getting their starting QB back soon, plus they were probably still dizzy on Sunday morning from watching Albert Pujols hit homer after homer Saturday night at The Ballpark in Arlington. And the addition of Brandon Lloyd should improve their offense moving forward.

With these teams clearly at the head of the bottom of the class, it’s your turn to tell us who you think is #1:

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

4. No one

I’m skipping #4, because truly no other NFL team deserves to within a spot of the three teams I’ve already broken down. They are more than just a combined 0-19. They are making it almost a compliment to describe what they are doing as “suck”. We may need a new word for these power rankings, even if it doesn’t rhyme with Luck. Any suggestions?

5. Arizona Cardinals (1-5)

The Cardinals really aren’t that far behind the trisuckverate listed above. If it weren’t for their close Week 1 victory in Cam Newton’s first start, Arizona would be winless and already dreaming of a life that doesn’t so closely resemble Kolb. But they do have some games left against Seattle and St. Louis, so that should net them a victory or two, even if Chris “Porcelain” Wells is injured and can’t play.

6. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-6) (actually 2-5)

Jacksonville and Baltimore play tonight, so technically the Jags’ record after seven games could be 2-5, but I’m confidently chalking the L up for the Jags. Do you trust Blaine Gabbert against Ray Lewis and the Ravens’ defense? Neither do I. The Jags D will likely put up a valiant effort and frustrate Flacco and Co., but it won’t be enough to compensate for the negative points sure to be put up by the offense. Poor Maurice Jones-Drew.

Update: Oops. I had this one wrong. Way to completely lay an egg on national TV Baltimore. And Jacksonville, well to come and play. I’ll humbly accept any and all disparagement that Jags fans want to hurl my way in the comment section.

Oh, and for the record, yes: both the Cards and Jags, despite acquiring “franchise” QBs this past offseason, would draft Andrew Luck. In a heartbeat.

7. Denver Broncos (2-4)

A miracle win over the Miami Dolphins does not impress me. And though I still think that Tebow has a future in the NFL (even if that future may be best served with him being a backup QB…a role which I think he could excel in..but that’s a post for another day), I don’t think it will be in Denver. In fact, according to my sources, oil and water were seen snickering at how poor a mix Tebow and John Fox are.

Broncos fans and Tebow sycophants everywhere need to enjoy what they saw last week and not let it lull them into a false sense of confidence. For myriad reasons, that win simply will not/cannot be duplicated. So unless Tebow makes vast improvements from the pocket, or the Broncos actually do more things during the first 55 minutes of games to play to his strengths, Denver could still be in the running for Luck if the teams above them stumble and bumble their way to a couple of victories.

8 & 9. Seattle Seahawks (2-4) and Cleveland Browns (3-3)

It’s a damn shame anyone had to win this game yesterday, because neither team deserved to. When reached for comment, Lloyd Christmas had this to say:

With as many unilateral decisions as Roger Goodell makes, why can’t he institute a rule that if two teams play as badly as Seattle and Cleveland did yesterday, that the game be declared a double loss? We’d all be better off.

10. Tennessee Titans (3-3)

You may be wondering why Tennessee and its three victories, as well as Cleveland and its three victories, are in the top ten when Minnesota (1-6), Carolina (2-5), and Philadelphia (2-4), among others, are not. Simply put: I have more confidence in those teams to finish with a better record than I do Cleveland or Tennessee based on current trends.

Tennessee was beyond suck yesterday, and the talk has already turned to letting Jake Locker take over, who I think is even less prepared to lead an NFL team than Blaine Gabbert. Just watch: unless Chris Johnson gets up from laying on his pile of money long enough to actually be a competent NFL running back again, the Titans will make a slow, steady climb up these rankings.

Too bad for the Titans they won those games early in the season, as there is no way anyone with more than two wins at season’s end will have a chance at Luck.

Special mention: Kansas City Chiefs (3-3)

The Kansas City Chiefs opened up these Suck 4 Luck Power Rankings at #1, and have made a steady descent to respectability since then. I have to give kudos where kudos are deserved, and Todd Haley, Matt Cassel, and crew deserve major kudos for digging themselves out of an 0-3 hole, despite debilitating injuries. They are now right in the think of the AFC West race.

Let this be a lesson to the Sergeants of Suck disparaged in this post. You’re only a few wins away from having no chance at the most universally respected QB prospect since John Elway.

So keep on sucking. The future of your franchises depends on it.

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What do you think? Which rankings do you agree/disagree with? Who I was too hard/easy on? The comment section patiently awaits your sucky comments.

* – Tony Sparano photo credit: NewHaven.edu