Instead, let’s talk about the best Super Bowls that never happened.

Talking hypothetical is one of my favorite things to do because there is really no right or wrong answer, because we don’t and will never know. What would have happened if Mark Brunell won a Super Bowl? Would there have been a belief that left-handed quarterbacks were the future of football?

I could have even gone the route of writing hypothetical Super Bowls between the Seattle Seahawks and the Saskatchewan Rough Riders, because I’m sure in some alternate universe (like after hypothetical Super Bowl XVII) that it could have happened.

Rather than getting all crazy and doing that, let’s just stick with teams that actually qualified for the playoffs during the year of said Super Bowl. It’s a lot easier that way.

1. Super Bowl X – Minnesota Vikings vs. Pittsburgh Steelers

Drew Pearson pushed off (go to the 2:00 mark). I don’t know how anyone can say he didn’t. The first Hail Mary was a fraud people. It’s about time we finally admitted it. The Vikings went 12-2 in 1975, were the top seed in the NFC, and lost because of a blown call by the referees. Not cool, Drew Pearson. Not cool at all.

2. Super Bowl XVI – Dallas Cowboys vs. Cincinnati Bengals

I do not like the Cowboys at all, but I do have to say they got robbed of a Super Bowl appearance in 1982 courtesy of the 49ers and “The Catch”. It would be the first of five Super Bowl wins for the 49ers, four of them behind the arm of Joe Montana.

If Dwight Clark didn’t make that catch, the West Coast Offense would have been passed off as a phase and a gimmick, Bill Walsh would have retired as the head coach at Washington State, and Joe Montana would be wearing ShapeUps that he had to buy with his own money.

3. Super Bowl XVII – Detroit Lions vs. Cleveland Browns

The playoffs leading up to Super Bowl XVII might be my favorite thing in the history of professional sports (other than a hypothetical Vikings Championship, of course.)

Because of the players’ strike during the 1982 season and the resulting nine-game regular season, the NFL decided to allow eight teams into the playoffs (instead of the usual four) from each conference. This was subsequently named the “Super Bowl Tournament” and included the Detroit Lions and Cleveland Browns who both had records of 4-5, marking the first time any team had made the postseason with a losing record.

How great would it have been to have a Super Bowl played between two No. 8 seeds? The sixth seed from the AFC, the New York Jets, advanced to the Conference Final before losing to the Dolphins, but we’ve seen a sixth seed win the Super Bowl before thanks to the Wild Card.

The NFL had one chance to have an eighth-seeded team with a losing record become a Super Bowl Champion and they blew it. What would have happened if the Browns or Lions would have actually made it to the big game, let alone won it?

Would the NFL have been attacked by critics for allowing their players to strike, which lead to a shortened season that ended with a sub-.500 team winning the Super Bowl, therefore tarnishing the reputation of anyone involved with the NFL? All of this allowing the USFL to step in and be a legitimate competitor, forcing another merger and leave the National Football League of America with too many teams that they would eventually have to contract teams instead of grow in popularity and expand. Would that have happened?

If this Super Bowl would have happened, we never would have had the Jaguars or Texans or Panthers. Jim Kelly would have never lost four Super Bowls with the Bills. Steve Young would probably never be a Hall of Famer. Hershel Walker would be the greatest running back of all time, and the Vikings would have never handed the Cowboys three Super Bowl rings on a silver platter.

For all we know, the National Football League of America could have failed miserably and become a low-rate professional sport right next to jai hali and SlamBall.

4. Super Bowl XXI – New York Giants vs. Cleveland Browns

The Drive. I feel bad for Cleveland Browns fans. I knew they were terribly unlucky and everything, but then I started doing research for this article. I can’t imagine what it would be like to lose multiple playoff games the way they did, and have the team they lost to go on to get absolutely killed in the Super Bowl.

I wrote down 15 hypothetical Super Bowls. The Browns appeared in six of them. I think I’m going to start being a Browns fan out of pity. I feel bad for them. As a Vikings fan, I’m here for you and know your pain. Speaking of the Vikings and Browns…

5. Super Bowl XXII – Minnesota Vikings vs. Cleveland Browns

I had to do this one. Vikings vs. Browns. The two unluckiest franchises in NFL history squaring off a Super Bowl? The Vikings got knocked out of the playoffs after Darrin Nelson dropped a fourth-down pass late in the fourth quarter against the Redskins. The Browns lost on “the fumble” to the Broncos.

Literally anything could have happened. Imagine all the possibilities! It would be a contest to see which team could kill more fans in the span of three and a half hours.

To their credit, both teams deserve to make fake Super Bowls (the Vikings have four on this list, Browns have three). They probably wouldn’t have even won any of them anyway. Is it even possible for a team to lose seven Super Bowls? I don’t ever want to find out. Maybe it’s a good thing the Vikings and Browns will never make another real Super Bowl. It’s probably better that way.

6. Super Bowl XXVI – Detroit Lions vs. Buffalo Bills

I really only included this one because I feel we as Americans were cheated out of seeing Barry Sanders ever play in a Super Bowl. In 1991 the Lions went 12-4, were the No. 2 seed out of the NFC, and made it to the NFC Championship game before losing to the eventual Super Bowl Champion Washington Redskins.

7. Super Bowl XXXIII – Minnesota Vikings vs. Denver Broncos

I’ve written about this game a lot in the past, so I’ll just keep it short. Because if I don’t, it will end up being 5,000 words that eventually lead me to comparing my moral compass to the ending of a football game that I watched when I was 8 years old.

15-1 record. Best offense in NFL history. Randy Moss, Cris Carter, Jake Reed, Randall Cunningham, Robert Smith. Injuries, horrible coaching, and the worst kick of Gary Anderson’s career crushed Minnesota. And they’ve never recovered.

And the Dirty Bird was the dumbest end zone celebration ever.

8. Super Bowl XXXIV – Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. Jacksonville Jaguars

The Buccaneers lost in the NFC Championship game to the Rams by the oddest football score ever, 11-6, after the Rams scored a late fourth-quarter touchdown. It would take the Buccaneers another three years to finally reach the Super Bowl, and Kurt Warner became the greatest grocery bagger in NFL history.

The Jaguars were the No. 1 seed in the AFC in 1999 and put 62 points on the board in the division round against the Dolphins. They lost in the AFC Championship game to the Titans, who barely made it out of the first round, only doing so with a little play famously known as the “Music City Miracle.”

I have no idea what a Buccaneers-Jaguars Super Bowl would have been. I would have probably ditched the Vikings as my favorite team for the Buccaneers and would now have four different John Lynch jerseys in my closet. I suppose Fred Taylor would be a definite Hall of Fame running back and Tom Coughlin would now be the head coach of the Ravens.

9. Super Bowl XXXVI – St. Louis Rams vs. Oakland Raiders

The Tuck Rule. Super Bowl win number one for Tom Brady. Beginning of the end for Kurt Warner in St. Louis.

If the Patriots don’t win against Oakland, it is not inconceivable that Drew Bledsoe would have been reinstated as the starting quarterback in Boston, Tom Brady would have been traded to some team like the Chiefs or Texans, and Bill Simmons would have hopefully given up talking about football.

10. Super Bowl XLII – Green Bay Packers vs. New England Patriots

Brett Favre’s last pass as a Green Bay Packer was an interception in overtime which led the Giants to kick a game winning field goal to advance to Super Bowl XLII and spoil the Patriots chance at a perfect season.

Had the Packers beaten the Giants, one would have to believe that Favre would have retired after the season and actually stayed retired, Super Bowl win or not. Losing a Super Bowl to only the only team to win 19 games in a season is a much better ending than not even having the opportunity.

None of this happened of course, which helped set up Hypothetical Super Bowl No. 11.

11. Super Bowl XLIV – Minnesota Vikings vs. Indianapolis Colts

Can’t blame me for this one either. The Vikings were the best team in the league in 2009, thanks in part to Brett Favre playing the smartest (and arguably best) football of his life.

Unfortunately there was Brad Childress and his love for settling for 45-yard, game winning field goals. And then there was the Vikings getting flagged for having 12 men in the huddle RIGHT AFTER A TIMEOUT! Next play: Favre interception.

By the end of the game I was lying on my kitchen floor with my shirt over my face. Literally the worst night of my life.

I started writing for MSF two days later after comparing the Vikings-Saints game to lyrics by Hootie and the Blowfish. Weirdest thing I’ve ever written. At least something good came out of it.

If you haven’t been listening to their weekly breakdown of all things Packers, Bears, Lions, and Vikings, you really should start.

Why not tonight?

Show details:

• Date: Wednesday, January 4th
• Time: 6:00 CT (7:00 ET)
• Call-in number: (858) 365-5571 (also use this number to listen to the show anywhere right from your phone)

Listen live right here at MSF starting at 6:00 CT:

As for tonight’s topics, here is what the NFC North Report crew plans to discuss.

Tentative Show schedule:

• Welcome: Final thoughts on season for Drew and Tyler

• Packers Talk – Matt Flynn success and the Packers “system”

• Bears Talk – Staff changes and looking to the 2012 season

• Vikings Talk – Jared Allen ties Minnesota’s sack record

• Lions Talk – Playoff ready

• Playoff previews

• Plus random shenanigans throughout

In case you didn’t know about it or had to miss it, and are now distraught about what you may have missed last week, we’ve got you covered. Listen to the Week 17 edition of The NFC North Report right here:

Matt Flynn, Matthew Stafford Have Record-Setting Day in Lambeau

By throwing for 520 yards in a losing effort, Stafford became the third NFL QB to throw for 5,000 yards this year, joining Drew Brees and Tom Brady. Those three could be joined by Eli Manning if he throws for 413 yards for the Giants v. the Cowboys on Sunday Night Football.

Flynn threw for 480 yards and six touchdowns, BOTH GREEN BAY TEAM RECORDS. Absolutely amazing how he put his name in the Packers record books considering virtually all the games started in the last 20 years (315 games) were either by a guy named Favre or Rodgers.

That’s two QB’s, exactly 1,000 yards passing (a record-breaking 971 yards net) – and you thought Baylor v. Washington marked the end of the Mayan calendar.

And, despite resting several regulars besides Rodgers, the Packers succeeded in beating the Lions at home for a 20^th consecutive year.

Not long ago, I actually felt sorry for Detroit. Now, however, I have little sympathy for the Lions and their already tired, arrogant act. I’m looking forward to Detroit’s winless streak in the state of Wisconsin reaching the point that Rodgers will soon be throwing to receivers who were not even born when Mel Gray went off way back in 1991.

Matt Flynn (Re)Emerges…What Now?

It turns out the loss in Kansas City a couple weeks back was not the worst thing in the world to happen. Had the Pack gone into Week 17 at 15-0, Mike McCarthy would have almost been forced to start #12. This way, Matt Flynn got some very valuable playing time – and if by some off-chance Aaron were to go down during the playoffs, it is now known (and GB already knew) that there is a more than capable man waiting in relief. As Don Majkowski was a one-year wonder in 1989, Flynn is a one-game wonder (two if you count last year’s game against New England), and at the present time a better insurance policy than Rodgers could ever get from State Farm.

And to emphasize again, this was not back in the dome in Detroit, or even on a halfway mild day like most of December was in Sconnie. It was like winter suddenly realized that the calendar just turned to January, with Packer Weather – complete with high winds – finally making an appearance.

But Flynn was SO good Sunday that not only did he ultimately make himself a lot of money, but also raised a couple questions not even thinkable even after a couple of Cherry Bombs at a New Year’s Eve party 24 hours earlier…

• Is Flynn now franchise tag material? He would still eventually be shipped out of Green Bay, but not before being flipped for first-round draft choices.

• Or, if the Packers repeat as Super Bowl Champions – and with his value being at it’s absolute peak, could Ted Thompson trade Aaron Rodgers and make Flynn the 2012 starter? They could even find an organization (Dan Snyder/Redskins?) desperate enough to pull a Mike Ditka and TRADE AN ENTIRE DRAFT.

I’ll address option #2 first. If you think Rodgers is going anywhere, you are still cycling down from the New Year’s cocktails. Hypothetically, if Rodgers went down in a playoff game and GB won the Super Bowl with Flynn, then I might dare say a QB controversy would surface, and even then Rodgers is likely still the man. But then who thought Peyton Manning’s future would be questioned 12 months ago…

As for placing the franchise tag on Flynn, there is too much of a $$$ risk.  Under the new CBA, Flynn could be tendered as a non-exclusive franchise player and be offered the average salary of the five highest-salaried QBs over the past five years. The Packers would have a right to match any contract offer by other teams, or refuse and get two first-round draft picks in return. The downside is that if there are no takers the Packers are ‘stuck’ paying a #2 quarterback $15 million in 2012 (higher salary than Rodgers). In addition the franchise tag would not then be available for TE Jermichael Finley and he would likely walk.

Top 12 Potential Free Agent Destinations for Matt Flynn

Barring the above two unlikely scenarios playing out, Matt Flynn will get his starting shot somewhere else in 2012, and he is suddenly the hottest commodity on the free agent market. Here are the top-ten (actually top 12) landing spots as I see it if Flynn is an unrestricted free agent this offseason:

10.  Denver

Is Matt Flynn better long-term than Tim Tebow? You can definitely make that argument. But John Fox and John Elway are all-in on the Tebow experiment for all of 2012. If Tebow doesn’t make a leap next year, then they will be more in the QB market in 2013; but they will sit this year out.

9. Miami/Tampa Bay/Jacksonville

I throw the entire state of Florida in as a package, as all three will be undergoing major overhauls and likely all three with new coaches. Of the three, I only see the Dolphins as a halfway attractive opportunity that Flynn would actually be interested in, and vice versa.

8. Minnesota

Seeing Flynn go to the purple early in his career would be far worse than seeing Favre wind up there in his dying years. Despite a 3-13 record, some pieces would be in place with Adrian Peterson, Jared Allen, and a #3 overall draft pick on board. But the Vikes are one of many teams who are already committed with a high 2011 first-round pick (Christian Ponder) so I don’t see the Twin Cities as a landing spot.

7. Tennessee

It is known that Jake Locker is a project, not unlike Tim Tebow. But it’s unlikely that the Titans will pull the plug just one year after making Locker a #8 overall pick.

6. Kansas City

The Chiefs got a good test drive with Kyle Orton and found out what the Broncos and Bears already know: nice QB, but not enough to get them to the next level. There is no dominant team in the AFC West and Dwayne Bowe is a nice #1 target.

5. New York Jets

One of these days this franchise and its fans will finally realize that Mark Sanchez is the NFL’s answer to Ryan Howard. The question is whether the organization will come to their senses this year and look into Flynn. The Jets would be a possibility considering the team is still a contender, and the fan base is demanding to the point that NY might be a player.

4. Cleveland

The Browns do not have that much invested In Colt McCoy, who also has a concussion history dating back to his Texas Longhorn days. Mike Holmgren, and the organization in general, has to make the big splash one of these off-seasons.

3. Washington

I could even put the ‘Skins as the #1 landing spot, especially if Flynn is attracted to the bright lights of the NFC East. The team may be a couple years away, but you know Dan Snyder will spend the cash.

2. Seattle

Wouldn’t be the first Green Bay understudy to eventually migrate to the Pacific Northwest – and Flynn’s name was trending in Seattle on Twitter at the peak of Sunday’s game. The Seahawks have not been bad hovering around .500 the past two years with Pete Carroll, and they definitely have a glaring QB need.

1. Arizona

Signing Kevin Kolb for 6 years/$65 million ($21 million+ guaranteed) was a bad move from the minute the Cards made the move minutes after the end of the NFL lockout. Even with John Skelton at QB, Arizona rallied to finish with an 8-8 record. Flynn could be close to what the franchise had with Kurt Warner a couple years back. The Cards should cut bait with Kolb as soon as they can. If they can do it in a way that makes financial sense this offseason, Flynn would be a better investment and instantly make Arizona instantly a player again in the NFC West.

It’s a special Thursday night edition of the podcast, previewing an interesting pre-playoff matchup between the Lions and Packers, in addition to taking a look at the Bears-Vikings game this weekend. Both games within the division should equal some quality entertainment and debate on the podcast.

Show details:

• Date: Thursday, December 29th
• Time: 6:00 CT (7:00 ET)
• Call-in number: (858) 365-5571 (also use this number to listen to the show anywhere right from your phone)

Listen to this week’s episode of the NFC North Report using the player below:

Here’s the rundown for this week’s edition of the NFC North Report

Tentative Show schedule:

• Intro
• Recap Week 16 games
  Vikings win
  Detroit dominates
  Santa is a Packers fan
  Tyler’s take on Josh McCown
• Pro Bowl Snubs/Why does the Pro Bowl Exist?
  Lions and Vikings with 1, Bears with 5 and Packers with 7
  Jordy Nelson
  Joe Webb
• Preview Games (Division matchups!)
  Bears vs Vikings (Could the Vikes win?)
  Detroit vs Packers (Do Packers play to win or rest starters?)

• Plus random shenanigans throughout

Problem is, this team is peaking at absolutely the wrong time.

Is Indy losing by winning?

You could understand Blue Horseshoe going out and winning one game, as they did versus Tennessee to avoid the stigma of a historic 0-16 season. Even two wins would still give Indy the #1 overall pick in the 2012 NFL Draft.

But running into the Division Champion but also free-falling Houston Texans Thursday night was an unexpected road block, as a back-breaking three-game winning streak is suddenly very attainable.

I get a team wanting to finish strong and Indy getting two nice wins to close out the home schedule. But in the process they have made life very difficult for themselves in the ‘Suck For Luck’ sweepstakes.

Everyone knows the Jacksonville Jaguars – Indy’s Week 17 opponent – are capable of sinking down to the occasion – not to mention their fan base, which will step down and stay away from the season finale in droves. And if the Jaguars can “run the table” and finish 4-12, they could even get a high enough draft pick to put them in the conversation to trade up for Andrew Luck.

But it’s always more difficult to win, actually more easy to lose, on the road – even if asking Dan Orlovsky to perform worse than Blaine Gabbert is daunting.

Impact of Barkley’s return to USC

Up until about 24 hours ago, the #2 overall draft pick was not such a bad thing for a team that will eventually be in need of a new quarterback. That was until Matt Barkley announced that he will stay for a senior season at the University of Southern California.

From Barkley’s perspective that is not a bad move (barring injury). Tommy Trojan is off probation next year and Barkley will enter the 2012 season as the Heisman front-runner. Of course being the most well-known candidate pre-season in the Heisman race frequently proves not to pan out, as the ’12 versions of Robert Griffin III will no doubt emerge with a groundswell of support.

But Barkley staying at SC suddenly makes the QB pool for the 2012 Draft much more shallow. RGIII is projected as a top-five pick (and has to come out this year, in my opinion, while iron is still hot), but unlike Andrew Luck not as NFL-ready. If Peyton Manning is healthy, Griffin would be perfect to stash away and develop for 1-2 years.

After that, there are no “can’t miss” types. Oklahoma’s Landry Jones currently projects middle first-round, but comes across similar to Christian Ponder or Landry’s predecessor at OU, Sam Bradford. After Jones, there are no others whose skill set pops out, unless someone off-the-radar really progresses in the pre-draft workout process.

New entrants in “Suck for Luck” Sweepstakes

If Indianapolis does lose New Year’s Day, there will be a messy situation. If Archie Manning comes out and says that his son might not be crazy about starting while looking over his shoulder at his eventual replacement, it will not be the first time the Manning clan had sent a strong hint towards an NFL organization (see Eli Manning/San Diego Chargers/2004).

But again, there’s that $28 million roster bonus albatross, an awful lot for a 36-year old fresh off a couple of neck surgeries and now on a rebuilding team.

Should Indy complete their collapse and finish 3-13, the Minnesota Vikings could get the #1 pick by losing out, but I see the Vikes winning at least one game – if not Saturday in DC, then definitely against a Chicago Bears team with who knows how many ‘customers’, I mean players, potentially nervous about the next shoe dropping in the Sam Hurd saga.

The St. Louis Rams would be interesting, and stand a real chance of going 2-14 with the Steelers/49ers left on the schedule. Sam Bradford regressed this year, but then again so did everything around them. Would STL pull the plug on that investment, with the smart money having Luck being the better product in time? Or do they trade down, where they can get an impressive haul (i.e. multiple draft picks) which could be the better route for a franchise that simply needs more productive bodies everywhere?

An intriguing free agent QB

And then there are teams already in contention who could use an elite quarterback right now, and there just happens to be one with a QB who WILL be a free agent at the conclusion of the 2011 season.

For the record, Drew Brees indicated on a radio interview with Westwood One Thursday night that he has zero intention of leaving the New Orleans Saints, and that the contract situation will be hammered out when appropriate.

But there’s the cautionary tale of Albert Pujols. Yes different sport, but similar story line. Brees seems to remain a perfect fit for the NOLA Saints – but a contract is a contract, and a contract expiring is a contract expiring.

What if Drew gets an offer too good to pass up??

There’s a franchise that has had a fantastic turnaround this season, but still, with hindsight being 20-20, laments selecting Alex Smith over what would had been the second incarnation of Joe Montana with the first pick of the 2005 Draft.

Aaron Rodgers will now never come through that door in Frisco, but Drew Brees, still in his prime, would be the next best thing – and the Niners’ missing link.

And I can think a few other landing spots for Drew – the Houston Texans now have the playoff monkey off their backs and Matt Schaub (when healthy) is decent, but Brees would be an upgrade. And can a New York Jets fan look anyone square in the eye and say they’re happy with Mark Sanchez?

Final Thought

So expect teams to play to win in Week 17, as it should be. If his health checks out, Peyton Manning should still be good for three more years while Indy develops Griffin, or someone else. And there are too many examples of QB’s being thrown into the fire and being ruined on bad teams (see Archie Manning, and now potentially Sam Bradford) or players who simply didn’t live up to their college exploits (see Matt Leinart/Vince Young).

When it comes to finding a special quarterback either by way of the NFL Draft or free agency, the process often comes down to – what else…

Luck.

Why not tonight?

Show details:

• Date: Wednesday, December 21st
• Time: 6:00 CT (7:00 ET)
• Call-in number: (858) 365-5571 (also use this number to listen to the show anywhere right from your phone)

Listen live right here at MSF starting at 6:00 CT:

(Note: if for some reason 6:00 rolls around and this player isn’t working, click here to listen at BlogTalkRadio.com and please leave a comment below so we can work out any kinks. Thanks.)

As for tonight’s topics, here is what the NFC North Report crew plans to discuss, apparently at varying levels of sobriety if my Twitter stream is any indication.

Tentative Show schedule:

• Intro: Drew/Tyler have their fun talking about Packers loss

• Packers Talk – Fluke or falling: can we fix the issues?; Jennings, O-line injuries

• Bears Talk – Loss to Seahawks; Knox injury; Christmas game

• Vikings Talk – Drew wonders aloud “The Vikings played?”; Rodgers is Christian Ponder

• Lions Talk – Oakland game recap; Playoff bound?

• Preview and Predictions of all Week 16 games

• Plus random shenanigans throughout

In case you didn’t know about it or had to miss it, and are now distraught about what you may have missed last week, we’ve got you covered. Listen to the Week 15 edition of The NFC North Report right here:

Click play on the player below to listen:

]]> http://www.midwestsportsfans.com/2011/12/nfc-north-report-week-16-edition/feed/ 1 http://www.midwestsportsfans.com/2011/12/joe-webb-is-not-a-starting-quarterback/ http://www.midwestsportsfans.com/2011/12/joe-webb-is-not-a-starting-quarterback/#comments Thu, 15 Dec 2011 19:44:55 +0000 Drew Lange http://www.midwestsportsfans.com/?p=42936 Joe Webb is not a starting quarterback in the NFL. It is that simple.

Some people may disagree with that statement, especially those that watched him this past Sunday against the Lions or saw him lead the Vikings to an improbable Monday night win over the Philadelphia Eagles last year.

Joe Webb is a fantastic athlete. A former quarterback at UAB, Webb was originally drafted by the Vikings as a wide receiver. He jumps really high. He runs really fast.

But he is not a starting quarterback.

First of all, Joe Webb has thrown only one career touchdown pass in the NFL. That includes preseason games as well. That touchdown came towards the end of the fourth quarter this past week against the Detroit Lions. One touchdown pass in 114 attempts. Not many starting quarterbacks in the NFL have that low of a pass-to-touchdown ratio.

As you can probably imagine by looking at that previous stat, Webb isn’t that great of a passer. There is a reason he was thought to be a receiver by scouts coming out of college. There is a reason that the Vikings went with untested rookie Christian Ponder after they benched Donovan McNabb.

Joe Webb is like JJ Barea; a great change of pace guy that other teams aren’t quite sure how to play against him. If teams don’t know when Joe Webb is coming into the game, it is very difficult to scheme against him.

Detroit spent all week game planning for Christian Ponder. Now all of a sudden Ponder gets hurt and in comes Joe Webb. Webb and Ponder have two very different styles of play. While Ponder is quite athletic himself, he is a pass-first quarterback who looks to stay in the pocket and complete passes downfield. Webb is a guy who likes to break contain and make plays with his feet or find a receiver who has been able to break free from coverage somewhere in the 10-15 yard range due to his ability to break contain.

If teams have a full week to game plan and multiple game tapes to study against Joe Webb, he would not be nearly as effective as he would coming off the bench. Teams would be able to install a linebacker to spy him, take away underneath throws, and force Webb to throw the ball in difficult spots down field.

Joe Webb is a great backup quarterback. He is a change of pace guy that other teams can’t afford to game plan against just in case he comes into the game. He is a different style of quarterback than most others in the league. There are few like him, but there is a reason for that. There is a reason that there aren’t many starting quarterbacks in the NFL like Joe Webb. It just doesn’t work. Athletic quarterbacks who rely on their legs more than their arms don’t last. Teams have found a way to defend against it.

Should Joe Webb have started against Detroit in the first place last week? Probably, yes. Did he instantly make the Vikings a better and more exciting team when he entered the game? Yes, he was a better QB that day than Christian Ponder.

Should another NFL team look for Joe Webb to be their starting quarterback? No, at least not for now.

Anyway, there isn’t much to say about Luck for this week in looking back; but we can look forward.

This Saturday, December 10th, the Heisman Trophy will be awarded. Later today, the finalists will be announced, and everyone rightly assumes that Luck will one of them. Other names likely to be included are Robert Griffin III, Trent Richardson, and hopefully Montee Ball of Wisconsin.

We will have a complete preview of this year’s Heisman later in the week, but I’ll say right now that I don’t think Luck will win.

He won’t win, in part, because there were so many other outstanding individual players – namely the aforementioned three – in college football this year.

Luck also won’t win because his play and overall numbers fell short of the outrageous expectations that were placed upon him before the season and throughout, especially as the concept of “Suck For Luck” was discussed and written about by idiot bloggers in their mothers’ basements.

And Luck also will not win because in his biggest game, against Oregon, he wasn’t transcendent; he was merely good, but he he needed to be great.

Still, Luck had an incredible season, and I look forward to seeing he and Stanford take on Oklahoma State in the Fiesta Bowl. It will be an up and down the field kind of game, and it should be a great final college showcase for Luck before the Indianapolis Colts make him the #1 pick in the 2012 NFL Draft.

With that in mind, let’s quickly count down the suckiest of the sucky in this week’s Suck For Luck Power Rankings.

NFL Suck For Luck Power Rankings: Week 14

1. St. Louis Rams (2-Suck)

That’s right, for this week the Rams are taking over the top spot. I’m sick of piling on the Colts, and you know what? Indy did beat the spread last week, so at least they won something. St. Louis, on the other hand, well, they couldn’t beat an egg with a bowl, a fork, and a counter. They are awful. (As was that egg thing…so it fits.)

Remember when the Rams beat New Orleans? How the hell did that happen?

St. Louis didn’t advance past the 49ers’ 45-yard line all day. Not once. Consequently, they scored zero points. They have also made me look like an absolute fool because I have continued ranking them better than their record dictated, thinking they’d turn it around in the second half of the season. Nope. They just keep sucking.

Maybe it’s karma for the Cardinals coming out of nowhere to win the World Series. Seriously. I wonder if some St. Louis sports fan (this guy perhaps?) made a deal with the devil late in August exchanging any semblance of competitiveness from the Rams for the Cardinals to make the unlikeliest of unlikely World Series runs.

Well, do you have a better explanation?

Oh, well maybe you do.

Or perhaps the explanation is that Rams’ supposed franchise QB (seen below sporting his Von Miller starter kit) hasn’t really developed yet into a franchise QB.

Nah. I’m not ready to give up on Bradford yet (though he should give up on those glasses.)

2. Indianapolis Colts (1-11)

Yes, yes, I know the Colts are officially 0-12, but I am giving them a mercy victory. They were 20-point underdogs to the Patriots and only by lost seven points after a 21-point 4th quarter closed the Patriots’ lead to 31-24.

Occasions when nice things can be said about the Colts have been rare this year, so I’m taking this one.

Now, here is a picture of Jim Caldwell receiving electroshock therapy.

3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-8)

This team is in utter collapse mode, and I don’t see any way Raheem Morris gets another year. It will be interesting to see how they bounce back next year. There is talent on the roster, but are there enough leaders to form it into a cohesive team?

Maybe Joe Maddon wants to coach football?

4. Minnesota Vikings (2-10)

There is no great shame in losing to Tim Tebow and the Broncos, but you are what your record says you are, and 2-10 is 2-10. Plus, that defense is utterly atrocious. When did the Vikings just completely forget how to cover in the secondary?

Also, here is an important question to consider after Tim Tebow faced off against Christian Ponder:

Image source: Reddit

5. Chargers/Jaguars Loser

6. Chargers/Jaguars Winner

Real barn-burner you’ve got tonight ESPN!

7. Philadelphia Eagles (4-8)

Do you realize the NFC West may just be better than the NFC East this year?

The 49ers are clearly the best of the 8 teams, while the Rams are the worst. But the Cowboys have now been beaten by Arizona and Seattle took care of the Giants. Perhaps the NFC East is still slightly better, but it’s close. And who would have thought that coming into the season?

8. Cleveland Browns (4-8)

They should probably be higher, because they are really, really, really, ridiculously bad – maybe the worst 4-win team in NFL history – but many of my friends are Browns fans. So consider this a mercy ranking.

9. Carolina Panthers (4-8)

They have certainly looked better the last two weeks, but they’ve also played Indy and Tampa Bay, so let’s not get too carried away.

Also, if you missed it, make sure you watch this.

10. Buffalo Bills (5-7)

Another week, another loss for the franchise that will probably go down as the worst team to ever start a season 5-2. Remember that?

Others receiving votes: Washington, Kansas City, Oakland, and Dallas – the last two because, well, those were a couple of awful losses last week.

I’ll give Miami, Seattle, and Arizona a reprieve this week after all scored nice victories in Week 13.

*****

Please submit your gripes below. They are always welcome.

Why is this so strange? Because non-primetime games with AFC road teams are always broadcast on CBS. It has been this way for 30 years. In fact, it’s a rule.

By NFL broadcasting rules, CBS must broadcast all regional games in the visiting team’s home market (and, if sold out, the city the game is being played in), in its entirety, regardless if the game has a close outcome or is a blowout

So why is Denver-Minnesota on FOX?

Ari Kaufman figured it out. As he just broke down to me via email:

This week’s Detroit-New Orleans game was recently flexed to Sunday Night Football because the previously scheduled New England-Indianapolis game has turned out to be such a poor matchup.

Because of this switch, New England-Indianapolis became a 1:00 game; and since it features two AFC teams, it was added to CBS’ schedule.

However, this created the odd situation in which CBS would have had seven early games with FOX having only two. Thus, the Denver-Minnesota game was given to FOX to balance things out a little bit.

Ari cannot remember a time when this – and AFC road team playing on FOX (or, conversely, an NFC road team playing on CBS) ever happened before, and I cannot either. Certainly the only time it could have happened is since flex scheduling was added with the introduction of Sunday Night Football. If we’re forgetting another example of this, comment below.

Anyway, just a fun little tidbit for anyone interested in sports scheduling.

So for all those who were wondering why Denver and Minnesota are on FOX, now you know – and, *gasp*, in this case something involving the Broncos has nothing to do with Tebow Magic. Just good old logistics.

Unfortunately, at this point in the season there aren’t too many gems left out on the waiver wire with the exception of those who gain value because of injury.

Still, there are a handful of players out there who just might put you over the top based on their recent play, favorable matchups, or both.

As always, players listed here are owned in fewer than 50 percent of Yahoo! leagues.

Fantasy Football Week 13 Waiver Wire Pickups: QB

Matt Moore (13%), Miami

Moore has four touchdowns and no interceptions in the last two weeks and has tossed seven TDs over the last month for the resurgent Dolphins.

The biggest reason to like Moore is this week’s matchup with Oakland, who has allowed at least two touchdown passes in each of the past four games and nine of the last ten. If your starter is banged up, he is definitely a strong play based solely on the matchup.

Rex Grossman (9%), Washington

With five total TDs and 606 passing yards over the last two weeks, Grossman is again putting up solid fantasy numbers. I’m not quite crazy enough to recommend starting him against the Jets next week, but matchups with the Patriots in Week 14 and the Vikings in Week 16 give him high upside as a backup and potential spot starter.

Fantasy Football Week 13 Waiver Wire Pickups: RB

Roy Helu (45%), Washington

After running for 108 yards and a TD to go with seven receptions for 54 yards, even Mike Shanahan couldn’t dream up a reason not to use Helu as his workhorse going forward, right?

Obviously there is inherent risk in trusting Shanahan to do the rational thing, but Helu is absolutely worth adding to your roster if he’s available. He’s particularly solid in PPR leagues, and he’ll need to stay involved in the passing game with the Jets’ stout run defense up next on the schedule. Outside of that, his remaining matchups are better than average.

Maurice Morris (36%), Detroit

Depending on which reports you believe, Kevin Smith will either be back next week or will never walk again.  However, the Lions finally placed Jahvid Best on IR, so those holding out hope for a return can finally move on.

If Smith misses any time, Morris is a decent PPR league option and has solid upcoming matchups against the Saints, Vikings, Raiders, and Chargers, all of whom are among the bottom half of the league in points against fantasy running backs.

Toby Gerhart (33%), Minnesota

A short TD run against the tough Atlanta run defense salvaged an otherwise ugly fantasy day for Gerhart.  Adrian Peterson’s status for Week 13 is unclear, and the Vikings face a Denver defense that just got shredded by Ryan Mathews (again), making Gerhart worthy of a roster spot while you wait out AP’s availability.

Marion Barber (24%), Chicago

In standard scoring leagues, Barber has scored at least six fantasy points in five of the last six weeks. While that won’t blow you away, it’s also probably more consistent than other guys you have on your bench. And based on what Caleb Hanie showed on Sunday, the Bears would be well served to rely on the running game against Kansas City and Denver the next two weeks, both of which are decent matchups for the Barbarian.

Donald Brown (12%), Indianapolis

Even with Joseph Addai back in the lineup, Brown was the most productive Indy running back with 97 total yards and a score. Expect him to continue to get the bulk of the touches for the Colts, which makes him a potential flex play against the Patriots next week and the Titans in Week 15.

Fantasy Football Week 13 Waiver Wire Pickups: WR

Johnny Knox (30%), Chicago

While Caleb Hanie was rather erratic in his first game replacing the immortal Jay Cutler, it’s worth noting that he targeted Knox 10 times, which resulted in four receptions, 145 yards, and a TD.  The big-play ability is there, but even with some decent matchups left on the schedule, I want to see Knox do it again before I consider starting him. Still, there’s upside here.

Damian Williams (23%), Tennessee

With the exception of 107 yards in Week 10 against Carolina, Williams hasn’t posted gaudy yardage totals, but he does have three scores in the past four weeks and has established himself at Matt Hasselbeck’s favorite red zone target.

The Titans face a Buffalo secondary that made Mark Sanchez look like a viable NFL quarterback next week, and they also play the Colts in Week 15, both of which make Williams worth a roster spot.  Ok, maybe viable is too strong a word for Sanchez, but the Bills did let him throw for four TDs.

Greg Little (16%), Cleveland

If your leagues are like mine, Little has been picked up and subsequently dropped by about half of the teams.  On Sunday, he caught his first NFL touchdown against the Bengals and posted at least five receptions and 50 yards for the third straight week.  Little did have a few ugly drops, but he continues to get consistent targets.

With the exception of a Week 15 game against Arizona, the matchups aren’t exactly inviting (two games each against Baltimore and Pittsburgh), but Little is still worth a look in PPR leagues.

Jason Avant (9%), Philadelphia

With Jeremy Maclin banged up, DeSean Jackson getting benched late in Sunday’s game, and Philly’s season pretty much over, Avant caught eight passes for 110 yards and a TD.  Some of that production came in garbage time, but someone has to catch passes for the Eagles, and on Sunday, the sure-handed Avant did just that.

His value is highest in PPR leagues, and while I find it hard to envision a scenario where you’d start him this week, his performance and the potential for future production are worth noting.

Fantasy Football Week 13 Waiver Wire Pickups: TE

Jermaine Gresham (38%), Cincinnati

Gresham had one of his better games of the season with five catches, 68 yards, and a TD against the Browns.  Had it not been for a questionable call against the Ravens last week, he would have TDs in three straight games heading into next week’s matchup with Pittsburgh, against whom he caught a TD in Week 10.

Gresham is a tremendous talent who is starting to develop a strong rapport with rookie QB Andy Dalton. He’s a high-end TE2 at worst from here on out.

Brent Celek (36%), Philadelphia

Over the last six games, Celek is averaging 5.5 receptions and 64 yards with two touchdowns, so maybe there is something salvageable from Philly’s season after all.  The team’s next two opponents, Seattle and Miami, have both struggled to cover opposing tight ends, and a Week 16 matchup against Dallas is favorable as well.

Marcedes Lewis (17%), Jacksonville

This one is obviously a tough sell for anyone who watched Lewis drop one of easiest touchdown grabs he’ll ever have, but he does have 11 catches for 111 yards in the last two games.  He also has favorable matchups against Tampa Bay in Week 14 and Tennessee in Week 16, so file that away if you are thin at tight end.

Streaming Defense(s) of the Week

Denver (13%) at Minnesota

The Broncos have held their last three opponents to 13 points or less, and the Vikings are averaging just 14 points over the same span.  I like some of what Christian Ponder has shown, but that offense simply isn’t scary without Adrian Peterson (at least not scary in a good way).  Add to that the fact that Denver’s offense minimizes possessions for the opponent, and the Broncos are an interesting sleeper defense.

San Diego (37%) at Jacksonville

Perhaps ESPN is paying me under the table to get people interested in this God awful Monday night game, but the Jags have scored more than 14 points twice in their last 10 games and have yet to score more than 20 points this season.  The Chargers have been anything but impressive this year, so proceed with caution.  But even the level of apathy/ineptitude they’ve shown may not be enough to allow Jacksonville to do anything on offense.

**********

Have any questions or feedback?  Leave them in the comments below or hit me up on Twitter (@andybottoms).

But today, the phrase “suck for Luck” has nothing to do with a certain NFL team losing game after game and positioning themselves for the #1 pick. Rather, it has to do with the Nike Pro Combat unis that Stanford wore Saturday night.

Which sucked.

Photo credit: AP Photo/Paul Sakuma via ESPN.com

I’ve seen some bad version of the Nike Pro Combat unis (Georgia’s immediately come to mind), but these may the worst. Black helmets? Black numbers? For Stanford? I suppose the jersey itself isn’t bad, but nothing about it says Stanford. And, um, isn’t that what jerseys are supposed to do?

I have a solution.

We need to get this guy on the case:

Seriously, can you imagine the indignation if this bro had seen that Stanford-Notre Dame game? He’d have downed the entire bottle of 1800 by halftime because of those uniforms.

Whatever happened to men, Michael Imperibroli? Nike. And it’s Pro Combat Uniforms. That’s what.

Now drink up while I break down the NFL’s top/bottom 10 in the race to draft Matt Barkley or Robert Griffin (if they go pro) since the race to draft Luck is pretty much done.

NFL Suck For Luck Power Rankings: Week 13

—–

1. Indianapolis Colts (0-11)

Breaking news: the Colts lost again.

Here is their remaining schedule. You tell me where a win might come from: at New England, at Baltimore, vs Tennessee, vs Houston, at Jacksonville.

• They sure as hell aren’t beating New England or Baltimore. In fact, they might lose by a combined 100 points.
• I suppose they could beat Tennessee, but the Titans should still be alive in AFC South race then.
• Houston at home is a possibility depending on their QB situation, and if they have the AFC South clinched, but I think the Texans could win just direct snapping it to Arian Foster.
• Week 17 at Jacksonville is a possibility because any team quarterbacked by Blaine Gabbert could lose to any team quarterbacked by anyone else – even you, dear reader.

So, with nothing else really to say about this sorry sack of a Manning-less team, here is a picture of Curtis Painter doing one of the few things he does better than Peyton Manning: carrying laundry.

Photo credit: USA Today

2. St. Louis Rams (2-9)

That’s it. I’m done with the Rams. And they still have to play San Francisco twice! If you own Steven Jackson in fantasy, trade him. Trade him now.

3. San Diego Chargers (4-7)

A bunch of the other craptastic teams won this weekend, so we’ll bump the sorry Chargers all the way up to #3. When you start out 4-1 then lose six straight games, each in excruciating fashion, you get rewards like this.

It’s safe to say that the Norv Turner Era will soon be ending in San Diego, and all 16 of their die-hard fans must be thrilled with that news.

In honor of the Chargers’ rapid ascent up these Suck For Luck Power Rankings, here is the most disturbing image of Philip Rivers on the first page of a Google Image search for his name:

Image source: Pyromaniac

Ah, what the hell. Here’s another one:

Image source: Pyromaniac

My apologies in advance for any nightmares you have tonight.

4. Carolina Panthers (3-8)

Let’s not carried away with excitement here. You beat Indianapolis, and you allowed them to score 19 points. And congrats on running all over them, but everyone does that.

5. Cleveland Browns (4-7)

The Browns jumped out to an early lead over the Bengals, only to give it away to the clear #1 football team in the state of Ohio (since Ohio State is down this year).

But hey, at least Peyton Hillis was back! Maybe now he can start to recapture the magic of 2010. Assuming, of course, that he doesn’t get anymore sore throats or have any more shotgun weddings.

6. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-7)

The Bucs have now lost five in a row, and they actually make the Colts looks suffocating against the run. Chris Johnson hasn’t been able to juke a brown paper sack this year, yet he racked up 190 yards against the Bucs on Sunday.

The only question for this team now, with the playoffs clearly out of the question, is does Raheem Morris make it to next year? If the Bucs want to have any hope of not squandering the talent they’ve accumulated, I say the answer is no. We’ll see.

7. Philadelphia Eagles (4-7)

Yes, I think the Vikings and Dolphins, among others, would beat the Eagles right now. That is how bad this team is playing. Their coaches are yelling at eachother on the sidelines, Desean Jackson isn’t blatantly short-arming catch attempts, and good players are getting injured one right after another.

Side note: when Andy Reid gets his walking papers at the end of the year, and it’s becoming likely that he will, some team looking for a head coach (hello Dolphins!) better snatch him up quickly. I’ll agree that perhaps it’s time for a parting of the ways in Philly. Sometimes that happens, even to good coaches. Sometimes change is needed. But it doesn’t mean Reid is no longer a good, perhaps even great, NFL coach. I don’t think he’d stay unemployed for long.

Now, apropos of absolutely nothing, here is a video of a hippo releasing a little pressure after a second helping of Thanksgiving dinner.

8. Minnesota Vikings (2-9)

Yes, the Vikings have now replaced the Rams as the team I irrationally support despite their record. But seriously, the Vikings have played decent football in hanging tough at Atlanta without Adrian Peterson and almost coming back to beat Oakland. Can you honestly tell me you don’t think Minnesota could beat the seven teams above them on this list?

9. Seattle Seahawks (4-7)

You lose at home to Rex Grossman and the Redskins, you make this list. It’s as simple as that.

10. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-8)

Frankly, I kind of forgot about the Jaguars. Had I remembered them, I probably would have placed them in the 4-6 range because Blaine Gabbert sucks so much. But out of deference to the great Maurice Jones-Drew, who continues to play hard and churn out tons of yards in losing efforts, I’m going to keep the Jags here.

Seriously though, watch Gabbert in the pocket anytime anyone gets near him. He freezes up and braces for contact instead of standing in there like a man and delivering a throw (which I obviously would do if I were a professional football player). I wonder what Michael Imperioli would have to say about that after a few shots of 1800 tequila.

Honorable mention: Kansas City Chiefs (4-7), Washington Redskins (4-7), Arizona Cardinals (4-7), Buffalo Bills (5-6).

Honestly, all four of those teams deserved mention. There is a pretty clear line between the top 18 teams in the NFL and the bottom 14. So congrats to everyone who made this list! You officially suck.

**********

Combine Stanford’s loss to Oregon two weekend ago with Luck’s pedestrian numbers against Cal on Saturday (20-30, 257 yards, 2 TDs, 1 INT in a 31-28 win), and then mix in superlative performances by Baylor’s Robert Griffin III and USC’s Matt Barkley this past Saturday, and Luck doesn’t seem luck such a clear-cut #1 prospect any more, now does he?

Don’t get me wrong, Luck’s still the guy. If the NFL draft were held today, the Indianapolis Colts would snatch Luck up quicker than you can say “Peyton” and then deal with the ramifications later. Plus, we don’t even know if RG3 or Barkley are going to turn pro after this year.

Griffin surely won’t get the respect his performances and athletic ability deserve once NFL scouts start picking apart the simplicity of the offense he operates in, so he is unlikely to be a surefire top 10 pick. That, plus a desire to to win the Heisman (if he doesn’t this year) and take Baylor to even greater heights may compel him to stay in school.

As for Barkley, he has persevered through so much at USC while the school serves its punishment for crimes that happened before he got there. The Trojans have loads of talent and will be bowl eligible again next year. It seems reasonable to think he may want to stay for his senior year and finish what he started, though he’ll likely be projected as a higher pick than Griffin, making such a decision that much harder.

(Side note: remember when Landry Jones was discussed in the same sentence with these three guys? About that…)

Back to Luck.

Even with Griffin and Barkley seemingly closing the gap this weekend, Luck is still the guy I’d want my team taking if they had the chance. It’s become clear as the season has gone along that Luck simply doesn’t have great weapons to work with on offense, and that is depressing his still great numbers. For the season, Luck is still completing over 70% of his passes and has thrown 31 TDs against only 8 INTs.

So though some fans may be tempted to implore their teams to “stiffen for Griffin” or “keep missing the mark(ley) to get Barkley” (wow, that one sucks), Colts fans should still be hopeful that their team will maintain its “suck for Luck” trajectory. He still has franchise QB written all over him.

And now onto this week’s Suck for Luck Power Rankings, where not being #1 no longer looks quite so awful.

NFL Suck For Luck Power Rankings: Week 12

—

1. Indianapolis Colts (0-10)

This is the first Monday that the Colts haven’t had to lament a loss all season. Score!

In celebration of the Colts not losing, here is a picture of Colts Jim Irsay and his smiling daughter Casey.

Image credit: Charlie Nye via The Indianapolis Star

2. St. Louis Rams (2-8)

That’s it. I’m done with the Rams.

I’ve supported this team all year, always ranking them lower in these rankings than their record or performance suggested. Why? I don’t know why. I guess because I foolishly keeping believing that Sam Bradford and Josh McDaniels will get this crappy offense going.

Well, when you get trounced at home by Tarvaris Jackson, Pete Carrol, and the Seahawks, you lose my support.

Sam Bradford “can’t believe how bad this season has been“? Join the club.

3. Carolina Panthers (2-8)

Here is another team that I’ve lost faith in. The Panthers were really playing well despite their 2-6 record before their bye came. Since then, they’ve gotten trounced by the Titans, and yesterday they gave up 49 points to Detroit in the process of blowing a big early lead.

Cam Newton is outstanding, and he continues to make the Panthers’ offense fun to watch, but you have to stop someone every now and again to win games. Considering new head coach Ron Rivera is a defensive-minded guy, hopefully he can get their defensive woes turned around. Maybe a high draft pick will help?

4. Washington Redskins (3-7)

The Redskins actually turned in an inspired performance yesterday in taking the Cowboys to overtime. They even had a chance to win, but Graham Gano’s field goal sailed wide and the Redskins once again snatched defeat from the jaws of victory.

The Redskins’ loss also included this bizarre play call from one of Mike Shanahan’s henchman…which really is a perfect visual representation for what Redskins football has become: inexplicable.

 GIF source: Imgur via Reddit

5. Arizona Cardinals (3-7)

I am ranking Arizona below the Rams, Panthers, and Redskins out of respect for Larry Fitzgerald, because he continues to be amazing. But my goodness is their QB situation awful. I know the 49ers have the best defense in the NFL, but that performance yesterday by John Skelton made Derek Anderson look like a Pro Bowler (again…remember when that happened?).

It’s not good when you’re longing for Kevin Kolb to be under center, but that’s what it has come to for Arizona.

6. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-7)

Congratulations, you lost to the Cleveland Browns. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

On the bright side, Blaine Gabbert threw for more than 100 yards! He actually tossed for 210 yards. But once again he did not throw a TD, and his yards per attempt was an anemic 5.1.

Is there anyone who wouldn’t take Luck, Barkley, or Griffin (hell, even Landry Jones) over Gabbert? I don’t think so. The Jags are going to regret this pick for a long time.

7. Cleveland Browns (4-6)

Has a team ever had an emptier four wins than Cleveland? They’ve beaten Indy, Miami back when the Dolphins were just giving games away, Seattle in a 6-3 barnburner, and the woeful Jags last week.

Bill Parcells famously said “you are what your record says you are” and I usually believe it. But come on. The Browns being “a 4-win team” is terribly false advertising. Yes, it’s technically true, but it implies some level of football competence. And those two words really never should be next to eachother when the subject is the Browns.

8. Minnesota Vikings (2-8)

Yeah, I probably have the Vikings too high, but consider this a continued show of respect for Adrian Peterson and Jared Allen. I think yesterday’s game against Oakland goes much differently if Peterson played the whole game, and I think the Vikings have actually found a QB they can build around, unlike everyone on this list except for Carolina (and maybe the Rams…maybe).

Also, I didn’t want to put the Vikings any higher on this list and make Drew Lange cry like a little girl. That would have been tragic.

9. San Diego Chargers (4-6)

As I perused the rest of the 4-6 teams, the Chargers stood out as the team playing the worst. They’ve dropped five straight and Philip Rivers is playing like absolute horsecrap. It’s shocking that a team that seemingly has so much talent could be so bad, but we’ve seen it from these Chargers year after year, with this recent five-game skid perhaps being the nadir.

A 14-2 season from Marty Schottenheimer doesn’t look so bad anymore, now does it?

In honor of one of the most unnecessarily disrespected good coaches in NFL history, here is Marty taking a Gatorade bath like an absolute boss.

10. Buffalo Bills (5-5)

I know that the Bills have a better record than Miami, Seattle, Tampa Bay, Kansas City, and Philadelphia, and that they’re even with Tennessee, the Jets, and Denver, but when you lose three straight games by a combined score of 106-26, and you’re having buyer’s remorse just a few weeks after signing your QB to a long-term contract extension, you get included in the Suck For Luck Rankings.

As for the honorable mentions, which I just mentioned, Kansas City better not get too comfortable. I’m keeping my eye on them, especially with Matt Cassel out and Tyler Palko not in. They face New England tonight on Monday Night Football, which very well could turn into a massacre. But hey, at least for this week, they’re better than the Bills!

**********

Got any gripes? That’s what the comment section is for. Have at it.

Dear Little Crying Vikings Girl,

I know how you feel.

Every Vikings loss, especially to the Packers, makes me want to cry and wonder what went wrong in my life that I cheer for that team.

I wish I could tell you that it gets better as a Vikings fan, but it really doesn’t.

Don’t worry Little Crying Vikings Girl, we have all had our own “crying girl” moment, except most of us were fortunate enough to not have one of our parents film it and put it on the internet. But you’ll have plenty of time in your life to get your mom back. You’re a girl. You’ll think of something.

My own “crying girl” moment came back in 1998, but not for the reason most people think.

I didn’t actually cry after the Vikings lost in the NFC Championship to the Falcons. That afternoon I just sat in my chair staring at the screen, not moving or saying anything, while my dad and his friend laughed at me and told me to get used to it.

No, my “crying girl” moment was when the Vikings lost to the Buccaneers and ended their run at a perfect season.

1998 was my first year as a diehard Vikings fan and I watched every game and expected them to win them all. They actually did win all the games I watched that year, but I wasn’t able to watch the end of the Buccaneers game because my mom wouldn’t leave me home alone and made me come to town with her so my sister could go to her skating lesson. We listened to the game on the radio in the car, but it wasn’t the same.

I cried. The whole time.

The Vikings had lost, and it was my mom’s fault because she wouldn’t let me watch the end of the game. I could have done something! They wouldn’t have lost!

Little Crying Vikings Girl I leave you with this:

The Vikings are going to break your heart more times than any boy (or girl, or dog, or cat, or fish) ever will. It is an incomparable number. But don’t give up on them. No one like fans of teams that win all the time. Patriots and Packers and Cowboys fans are the worst. So whatever you do, definitely don’t be one of them.

No, keep cheering for the Vikings, and don’t give up. For all we know, you are our saving grace.

That’s right. You can’t give up on the Vikings, Little Crying Vikings Girl. You may be our only hope.

Yours in eternal pain and frustration,

Drew Lange
Crying Vikings Fan Since 1998

Here it is.

Disclaimer: MSF is not responsible for anything said herein by Lange…or Lawson (just to be safe).

Drew Lange:

Amanda,

The Vikings and Packers play on Monday night, but I have to ask, is this the most undercovered Vikings-Packers game ever?

With all the Penn State news and NBA Lockout stuff and just the mess that was sports news last week, I don’t think I heard anything about this game outside of local talk radio.

Even without the craziness last week, would there have actually been much to talk about?

Green Bay is undefeated, Minnesota barely beat the Panthers. Aaron Rodgers has seven incomplete passes this year and the Vikings are still starting a rookie quarterback. Three weeks ago it was somewhat reasonable to think the Vikings could knock of the Packers in the Metrodome, but does anyone really think Minnesota can go into Lambeau and win on Monday Night?

Oh wait, I DO!

That’s right. I’m going all in this time. Minnesota showed they can hang with the Packers three weeks ago, and the Chargers showed us that Green Bay has some weaknesses. The Packers are a beatable team, and the Vikings are the team to do it.

Realistically, the Vikings would have won their first match-up if they wouldn’t have allowed two Green Bay touchdowns within the first five minutes of the second half.

Minnesota will beat Green Bay on Monday night. Your thoughts?

###

Amanda Lawson:

Drew,

Were you drunk when you sent me this lovely message? I mean we all know it wouldn’t have been the first time you’ve been under the influence while writing.

You make a valid point. With a rookie quarterback and a team that can barely beat the Panthers, they were able to give the Green Bay Packers a run for their money. No doubt about it. I was on edge up until last the few minutes of our last meeting.

However, to say that the Minnesota Vikings are going to beat the Green Bay Packers at Lambeau Field is down right ridiculous. Yes Jared Allen is a beast, and there’s a good chance he’ll make it to Rodgers at some point in the game. And Adrian Peterson is sure to make our defense work, and work hard.

But while the Packers defense has been criticized for not being the defense they were at the end of the 2010 season, if you look back to previous games the defense steps up when the game gets close. Yes, they’ve been known to give up yards, which is why the games have been a lot closer than they actually should be, but Ponder better be careful. Our defense scored a lot last week, and you know they’d love to do it again.

Plus our offense is on fire. Even with Allen there as a threat, Rodgers and crew will light the field up.

Oh and they are playing at Lambeau. Do I really need to say anymore?

###

Drew:

First of all, I sent that email at 4pm on a Saturday. I don’t know whether to be proud or a little worried that you assumed I was drunk already. Secondly, I’m not answering that question.

Moving on, do I need to remind you that Christian Ponder grew up in Texas and played college ball at Florida State? This kid is made for outdoor football in Wisconsin during the middle of November!

Ponder has already started two games in his career, he is not afraid of some little stadium that is surrounded by a bunch of houses.

You say the Packers defense steps up at the end of games. I can’t totally say that’s not true, but let’s be honest, teams are throwing the ball 80% of the time. Pretty easy to play against a one dimensional team. At some point the other team is going to throw an out route and Charles Woodson is going to undercut the route and pick it off. Game over.

You know who has never come through in the clutch? Pretty boy and moonlight auto insurance salesman Aaron Rodgers.

He has a grand total of zero fourth quarter comebacks. Granted he hasn’t faced a fourth quarter deficit since the Vietnam War ended, but still. I will never place Rodgers as the best QB in the game until he shows me he has the onions to take a team 80 yards in under two minutes for a game winning score.

What does the weather forecast look like in Green Bay for Monday? Any snow? If not I’m dipping out of class, buying a snow making machine and spraying it all over the field. Have to make it hard to throw the ball. Minnesota is going to pound the rock, convert third downs, and win this game.

Give me one good reason they can’t other than “our offense has been on fire”. Every team has an off week. This is going to be it for Green Bay.

###

Amanda:

I know you’re in college, Drew. But seriously, put down the bottle. If you think snow is going to make a difference in a win or loss for the Packers, you are very much mistaken. There is a reason they call Lambeau Field the “Frozen Tundra”.

Besides, I wasn’t referring to the weather. I was referring to one of the most dedicated fan bases known to professional sports. Believe it or not, home field is definitely an advantage for the Packers, even more so than for other teams. When you get the crowd at Lambeau roaring, that will be enough to make Ponder shake in his britches. Not going to throw the ball? Doesn’t matter. You wait for our defense and the crowd to pump it up. You’re going to need more than Peterson to win this game. Who else you got?

And if you think we should be more afraid of your defense now than a few weeks ago, I think you’re crazy. Our O-line had new rookies stepping up for the last match. Now they’ve played, made mistakes, and learned. Are they perfect? Hell no! Who is? But they are going to make Minnesota work to touch Rodgers.

As for Mr. Rodgers, never coming through in the clutch? I’m sorry our offense likes to take care of business at the beginning of the game. Maybe Minnesota has a different strategy. How’s that working out for ya? This is how Green Bay is rockin’ and rollin’ this year. You have no choice but to face that as a reality.

Discount Double Check that Mr. Lange.

Final Score:

Green Bay Packers: 33 | Minnesota Vikings: 21

P.S. Anyone from Wisconsin would be proud to say they were under the influence at 4 pm on a Saturday. Just sayin’.

###

Drew:

Give me Vikings 28-24.

**********

Minnesota Vikings at Green Bay Packers

• Vikings-Packers Date: Monday November 14th
• Vikings-Packers Kickoff Time: 8:30 pm
• Vikings-Packers TV Network: ESPN
• Vikings-Packers Announcers: Mike Tirico, Jon Gruden, and Ron Jaworski
• Vikings-Packers Point Spread: Packers -13
• Vikings-Packers Over-Under: 49.5

Without question, the story of the first half of the season (other than this) has been the ascent of the Detroit Lions.

They went 0-16 three years ago, then 2-14 in Jim Schwartz’s first year, then 6-10 last year; and now halfway through their 2011 slate Detroit, sitting at 6-2, is a bona fide contender in the NFC. And the Lions aren’t just an empty record either. They have the skill, attitude, reputation, and right now the health (knock on wood) to suggest that they aren’t going away.

So in honor of the Motor City Mufasas, and their roaring wreakers of wreckage Ndamukong Suh and Calvin Johnson, I give to you my Midseason NFL Power Rankings, with each team presented alongside a Motown classic that sums up the first half of its season.

The great Berry Gordy and Ndamukong Suh

1. Green Bay Packers (7-0) – “Higher Ground” by Stevie Wonder

After an uneven regular season in 2010, the Packers caught fire all the way to the Super Bowl. Along the way, Aaron Rodgers nudged his way into the Manning-Brady-Brees stratosphere of NFL quarterbacks.

Through seven games in 2011, the Packers haven’t missed a beat, and Rodgers has catapulted himself into the rarest of air: the undisputed #1 quarterback in football, and he’s on pace to complete the most efficient statistical season a quarterback has ever had.

As Stevie sings:

Lovers keep on lovin’
Believers keep on believin’
Sleepers just stop sleepin’

…

Gonna keep on tryin’
Till I reach my highest ground

Indeed, the Packers/Rodgers lovers and believers need to keep doing what they’re doing, and any remaining sleepers need to wake up to the reality that Rodgers is the best player in football.

If he hasn’t already reached the highest ground, it’s going to be amazing to see just how deadly the Packers’ offense is once he’s there.

2. San Francisco 49ers (6-1) – “Reach Out, I’ll Be There” by The Four Tops

Know this about the resurgent 49ers and their badass first year head coach Jim Harbaugh: at the end of the game, reach out and he’ll be the there…ready to shake your head after kicking your team’s butt. (Just try not to take it personally.)

And in case you needed any more reason why this is the perfect song choice for the 2011 take-no-prisoners 49ers, pay attention to the lyrics. Replace “girl” and “darling” with “Alex” (for Alex Smith), “I’ll” with “We’ll”, plus a few other subtle changes, and it might as well be a pregame Harbaugh speech to his much-maligned but improving QB.

Now if you feel that you can’t go on,
Because all of your hope is gone,
And your life is filled with much confusion,
Until happiness is just an illusion,
And your world around is crumbling down, Alex,
(Reach out) Come on Alex reach on out for me,
(Reach out) Reach out for me,
We’ll be there with a running game that will shelter you,
We’ll be there with a defense that will see you through,

See what I mean?

3. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-2) – “Ain’t Nothing Like the Real Thing” by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell

I’m not sure what that was from Pittsburgh in Week 1, but it was most certainly not the real Steelers that we’ve come to know and appreciate.

Over the Steelers’ last four games though, we’ve started to see the real Steelers emerge again, just with a little more passing than running, and it’s been a good reminder that in the NFL there ain’t nothing like the real thing; and it doesn’t get much more real in professional football than the Steelers.

4. Detroit Lions (6-2) – “Just My Imagination” by The Temptations

For years, decades really, Lions fans have had to watch the success of other franchises and pretend it was their own. Losing season after losing season, all the Lions had was their imagination if they wanted to cheer for a winner.

Not anymore.

Now all Lions fans need to do is use their imaginations to conjure up a future in which Matthew Stafford plays 16 games, because if he does, this team is ready to make its long-awaited return to the postseason. And they won’t be an easy out.

5. Baltimore Ravens (5-2) – “I Second That Emotion” by Smokey Robinson and The Miracles

After the Ravens’ offense sputtered against the Jags, Terrell Suggs publicly questioned the offensive gameplan. Surprisingly, Ravens coach John Harbaugh seconded Suggs’ emotion, agreeing that Ray Rice and Anquan Boldin needed to get the ball more.

One week later Cam Cameron and Joe Flacco got the notion, and the Ravens are back to their winning ways after Rice scored three TDs and Boldin topped 100 yards receiving.

6. New England Patriots (5-2) – “It’s The Same Old Song” by The Four Tops

An offense built around their statuesque quarterback who throws 40+ times every game, without much of a running game to speak of? Check.

A defense that gives up tons of yards, hopes to be “bend but don’t break” as a best case scenario, and is undeniably poor in the secondary and at rushing the passer? Check.

Sound familiar? That’s pretty much what the Patriots have been for the last three seasons, and for the last three seasons they’ve underwhelmed fans and pundits alike once January has rolled around. I’m struggling to find any reason to think this season will end any differently.

7. New Orleans Saints (5-3) – “What’s Going On” by Marvin Gaye

I don’t really feel like New Orleans deserves to be ranked this high, especially after what we witnessed from them last week and in their recent loss to Tampa Bay. Sandwiched in between those two defeats, however, was a thorough ass-kicking of the Indianapolis Colts; and anytime you beat another NFL team 62-7 it means, well, something.

The Saints still have Drew Brees, they still have weapons galore on offense, and they still have Sean Payton calling the shots. This outfit won a Super Bowl not too long ago, and they deserve the benefit of the doubt…for now. But they need to figure out what’s going on before far too many mothers, brothers, and fathers in The Bayou are left crying from another debacle like that loss to the Rams.

8. New York Giants (5-2) – “Ball of Confusion” by The Temptations

Is any good team more of a ball of confusion from year to year, week to week, and even quarter to quarter than the New York Giants? No.

Yet despite the ups and downs, here are the Giants sitting atop the NFC East with Eli Manning playing the best football of his career. Go figure.

9. Houston Texas (5-3) – “It Takes Two” by Marvin Gaye and Kim Weston

The song choice for the Texans is obvious from the first two lines:

One can have a dream, baby
Two can make that dream so real

For a while now, the Texans and their fans have had dreams of going to the playoffs, but unfortunately they only had one side of the ball that functioned competently. Not anymore. Wade Phillips has taken a defense that was an embarrassment last year and made it respectable, even weathering the loss of Mario Williams.

It does indeed take two – an offense and a defense – to make playoff dreams real. Could this be the season it finally happens in Houston?

10. Buffalo Bills (5-2) – “Papa Was a Rolling Stone” by The Temptations

The “papa” of these young Bills is head coach Chan Gailey, and he has indeed been a rolling stone during his coaching career. Buffalo is the 19th different coaching job Gailey has had since 1974. I know how transient of a profession coaching can be, but that is a lot of moving around.

Regardless, he has these Bills on the right track, sitting atop the AFC East.

11. New York Jets (4-3) – “Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch” by The Four Tops

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not sure the Jets have earned this high a spot in the rankings. They are on a two game winning streak, but beating the Dolphins and the apparently hapless Chargers isn’t all that impressive. Still, the Jets and their bombastic head coach cannot seem to help themselves: they always talk, they always struggle for parts of seasons, yet they always get it going when the weather gets cold. They’ve made two straight AFC Championship Games, so we can’t count them out yet.

(Note: there are also plenty of jokes that could be made in reference to Rex Ryan enjoying slices of sugar pie and handfuls of honey bunch, but I’ll refrain. Who do I look like…Joe Namath?)

12. Philadelphia Eagles (3-4) – “Uptight (Everything’s Alright)” by Steve Wonder

I know that fans in Cincinnati and all over the AFC West and NFC South are going to be apoplectic at the under-.500 Eagles being 12th above their favorite teams, but what can I say? This team is loaded with talent, and I think they’d beat all of the teams below them (including more than a few above them) if they played right now.

So, Philly fans, what are you so uptight about? As long as you’ve got Andy Reid, everything is all right. Until the playoffs at least…

13. Atlanta Falcons (4-3) – “Shotgun” by Jr. Walker and the All Stars

I predicted that the Falcons would miss the playoffs before the season started, and I’m not backing off that prediction at all, though I have been impressed by their last two victories.

During the offseason, the Falcons tried to remake their offense from a tank into a shotgun with the hyperathletic Julio Jones added to the team at a high cost. It appeared early on that Ryan and the Falcons were trying to justify the cost while forgetting about their bread and butter: Michael Turner.

Things have changed.

Turner is back leading the offense and the Falcons are winning. The question is how long can Turner withstand another season of pounding. We’ll see.

14. Cincinnati Bengals (5-2) – “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell

The Bengals had to deal with QB turmoil all offseason, limped into the regular season with rookies leading them at QB and WR, have had to deal with Cedric Benson’s continued legal troubles, and they lost corner Jonathan Joseph in the offseason. Also, certain Midwestern sports bloggers predicted the Bengals would finish with the worst record in the league. Yet all Marvin Lewis and the Bengals have shown is that there ain’t no football mountain high enough to keep this underrated team down this season.

At least so far.

Cincy’s wins are against Cleveland, Jacksonville, Buffalo, Seattle, and Indianapolis, and they still have four games coming up against Pittsburgh and Baltimore. This is why I’m not sold on the Bengals and have them at 14th. But if they can keep climbing mountains, this could be the most unlikely playoff team of 2011.

15. Kansas City Chiefs (4-3) – “Since I Lost My Baby” by The Temptations

The Chiefs have reeled off four straight wins since I ranked them #1 in my inaugural Suck 4 Luck Power Rankings, a winning streak that has moved them all the way into a first place tie in the AFC West. This has Chiefs fans seeing sun shining (yes, plenty of light), a new day dawning (so sunny and bright), and even birds signing and children playing.

But the reality is that without young stars Jamaal Charles, Eric Berry, and Tony Moeaki, all of whom the Chiefs lost early in the year to season-ending injuries, the Chiefs’ chances of going any further than they did last year – a first round playoff blowout – are slim to none.

16. San Diego Chargers (4-3) – “Hello” by Lionel Richie

It’s fitting that the Chargers are one spot behind the Chiefs, because they were one successful QB-center exchange away from beating them last night.

If I had time, I would create a YouTube video with the ball Rivers’ fumbled away singing this Lionel Richie ballad to him. It’s the kind of thing the Internet was invented for. Can’t you just see the ball rolling around on the ground plaintively singing these words to Rivers while the QB laments his “worst day ever“:

Hello!
Is it me you’re looking for?
’cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely?
Or is someone loving you?

17. Oakland Raiders (4-3) – “Ain’t Too Proud To Beg” by The Temptations

The Raiders are a hard team to figure out right now since we have no idea a) what they will get from Carson Palmer and b) if their offensive workhorse Darren McFadden can stay healthy enough all year to keep the pressure off of Palmer.

But we do know one thing: the Raiders were not begging nor pleading for anyone’s sympathy once Jason Campbell went down. They slept on Mike Brown’s doorstep and even let everyone laugh, because they wanted Carson Palmer any way they could get him. Now they have him, and we’ll see if they can just keep winning, baby.

18. Dallas Cowboys (3-4) – “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye

Did the Cowboys even have a Week 8 game? They did? Really? Because the only time I saw a Cowboy show up last week is Tony Romo when he announced that he and his new wife are expecting.

So since I have nothing constructive to say about Dallas’ no show on Sunday night, let’s honor the soon-to-be parents. Take it away Marvin.

19. Chicago Bears (4-3) – “You Keep Me Hanging On” by The Supremes

I tend not to trust teams that have severe offensive line issues, which is why the Bears fall towards the back of the teams bunched at 3-4 wins.

I also wouldn’t trust the Bears if I were Matt Forte, who I think is much closer to Adrian Peterson than Chris Johnson in terms of being deserving of a new contract. Can anyone blame Forte for feeling like the Bears are just keeping him hanging on? I mean really Jerry Angelo. If you’re not going to #paytheman, set him free why don’t ya?

20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-3) – “Brick House” by The Commodores

Tampa Bay was another supposedly up-and-coming team that I didn’t trust heading into the season. They’ve scratched together four wins, but they have looked pretty bad along the way at times.

So in honor of the bricks they’ve thrown up against San Francisco and the first half of the Chicago game in London, not to mention Josh Freeman’s 10 interceptions, here are The Commodores singing about bricks in a much different context.

21. Minnesota Vikings (2-6) – “All Night Long” by Lionel Richie

You know that Adrian Peterson is called “AD” because he can run all day long. Now that Minnesota has handed the reins of its offense over to rookie Christian Ponder, Peterson may have to run all day and all night long to help ease the rook’s transition.

Peterson is more than capable, and the Vikings – who have played better than their record – are more than capable of winning 4-5 of their remaining games if Ponder can just provide adequate play under center.

22. St. Louis Rams (1-6) – “You Can’t Hurry Love” by The Supremes

No, I’m not insane. I’m well aware that before last weekend’s trouncing of the Saints, the Rams hadn’t beaten anyone and hadn’t even really come close. Just consider me to be buying low on the Rams, and when they finish with 5-6 wins, remember that you heard it here first.

You can’t hurry a connection between a new offensive coordinator, an offensive line, and a young QB, but Sam Bradford and Josh McDaniels will get everyone on the same page. Having Brandon Lloyd will help, and having a leader like Steven Jackson to make sure no one mails it in will also keep these Rams on a forward trajectory all season.

23. Carolina Panthers (2-6) – “ABC” by The Jackson 5

Am I drinking the Cam Newton Kool-Aid after 8 games? You’re dadgum right I am, so much so that I came up with 20 teams who, hypothetically speaking of course, should trade their QB for right now for Newton.

I did not think Newton would have an easy transition to the NFL, but he’s made playing quarterback look as easy as A-B-C, 1-2-3. What he has not found so easy to do yet is win, but that will come. He needs more experience and a better team around him, but the Panthers are a team on the rise that no one will want to face in the second half of the season.

24. Tennessee Titans (4-3) – “Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I’m Yours” by Stevie Wonder

In case you were wondering, no, I’m not sold on the Titans.

A win over the Colts does not impress me, nor did the Titans’ previous two non-competitive games against Pittsburgh and Houston. This team was looking good when Kenny Britt was around and emerging as a top receiver, but they seem lost without him.

But hey, at least Chris Johnson is signed, sealed, delivered, and yours, right Tennessee? Or not…

25. Cleveland Browns (3-4) – “Money (That’s What I Want)” by Barrett Strong

In case you hadn’t heard, money is what Peyton Hillis wants. He is not, however, willing to play through strep throat or maintain community commitments in his quest to leverage one partial good season into, apparently, $10 million per yer.

I probably shouldn’t be so hard on the guy. If I were a running back for the Browns, against whom defenses can load up eight men in the box on every play, I might not be so motivated to play either.

26. Washington Redskins (3-4) – “Mercy, Mercy Me” by Marvin Gaye

When your only quarterback choices are Rex Grossman or John Beck, how can Redskins fans or even Mike Shanahan himself say anything other than mercy, mercy me?

The Redskins got off to a fast start this season, but things ain’t what they used to be. With such putrid play under center and so many injuries on offense, a turnaround doesn’t appear to be coming. Redskins fans will just have to keep wondering where did all the blue skies go?

27. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-6) – “Shop Around” by Smokey Robinson and The Miracles

So the Jaguars beat a disinterested Baltimore team in a defensive slopfest a few weeks back. So what?

This team is still going nowhere fast, and even the one positive Jags fans might have been able to take from this season – that the team had finally found a franchise QB – doesn’t seem to be coming to fruition. Based on what I’ve seen from Blaine Gabbert so far this year, I’d say to the Jags that they’d better shop around.

28. Seattle Seahawks (2-5) – “I Want You Back” by The Jackson 5

In Pete Carroll’s first season, the Seahawks made an improbable run to the second round of the NFC Playoffs thanks to playing the in the terrible NFC West. No one in the NFC West seemingly did much to improve themselves in the offseason (who saw the 49ers run coming?), so what does Seattle do to keep the forward momentum going? They get rid of Matt Hasselbeck to turn their most important position on the field over to Charvaris Jackhurst.

Think they might want Hasselbeck and his 89.2 QB rating back now?

29. Arizona Cardinals (1-6) – “What Becomes Of The Brokenhearted” by Jimmy Ruffin

In Super Bowl 43, the Arizona Cardinals indeed became the brokenhearted when Ben Roethlisberger’s pass connected with Santonio Holmes in the corner of the end zone. So what becomes of the brokenhearted in football, who had a good QB who’s now departed? Everything goes to hell and a handbasket, apparently.

After your borderline Hall of Fame quarterback retires and you suffer through an awful season with basically no QB, you know you’ve got to find some kind of peace of mind for your All-World wide receiver. So you overpay for a guy who hasn’t proven he can be a competent starter, he doesn’t get any better, and all the while your defense gets worse and worse.

So, again, what becomes of the brokenhearted? In the case of Cardinals fans, you just go back to how things were before.

30. Denver Broncos (2-5) – “Dancing In The Streets” by Martha and the Vandellas

No matter what happens at the end of the Tim Tebow experience, they’ll be dancing in Dennnnnnver…and there will still surely be opinions everywhere.

Either fans of Tim Tebow will be dancing because he’s proven his worth as a starting QB in the NFL, or the Johns Fox and Elway will be dancing because they can jettison Tebow and get a QB who fits their ideal.

But either way, dancing.

31. Miami Dolphins (0-7) – “Stop! In The Name Of Luck!” by The Supremes

Do you see what I did with the title there?

This is what every Dolphins fan is imploring their team to do every time they have a promising drive or a second half lead. So far, the Dolphins have proven to be epic failures in the 4th quarters of games, which may just be the best thing for the franchise’s future.

Though the players and coaches don’t want to hear it, nor should they, Dolfans and owner Stephen Ross would like the team to stop coming so damn close to winning, and they certainly would like the Colts to stop losing…all in the name of Luck.

32. Indianapolis Colts (0-8) – “Where Did Our Love Go?” by The Supremes

Yep, two straight songs by The Supremes to end it. And why not? At this point I’m not convinced that on the football field Diana Ross and The Supremes would do any worse that Curtis Painter and The Colts or Matt Moore and the Dolphins.

So many lyrics snippets from this song could very well be things that Colts players have uttered verbatim during one of their eight horrific losses this season, with the their plaintive utterances directed at either Peyton Manning or their fans, who abandon them more and more with each demoralizing loss.

Baby, baby
Baby don’t leave me
Ooh, please don’t leave me
All by myself

…

Now that I surrender
So helplessly

…

Where did our love go
And all your promisses
Of a love forever more

You get the idea.

But if all Colts fans have to endure in between decades of success with franchise QBs is one terrible season, I and many others will resent them more than we already do.

###

There are my rankings, and each team’s corresponding Motown classic.

As always, I encourage your agreement, disagreement, and constructive criticisms below, both for the rankings and the song choices.

And now, because it’s one of my all-time favorite Motown songs but I couldn’t find a great team to assign it too, I’ll send you off into the comment section with one more classic tune from the great Marvin Gaye.