My dad and I first co-managed a team way back when we got online using dial-up and signed in through Prodigy. (Holy crap that sounds like a long time ago.) For what it’s worth, we won that league, and I’ve played fantasy baseball every year since.

While I am excited about the mainstream acceptance that fantasy sports have attained, there are still prominent segments of society (read: most women and assorted douchebags) who look down upon those of us who enjoy fantasy sports. I have heard these massively misinformed people refer to me and my fantasy sports loving kind as “losers”.

Well, for any guys out there who are questioning whether or not they should sign up this year, I’m here to tell you that fantasy baseball is not for losers. Quite the contrary. In fact, I bet fantasy baseball provides benefits that most of those condescending women and douchebags never even considered.

This post aims to set the record straight and ensure that you, my fantasy baseball playing brother, register proudly and confidently for your league(s) this year.

1. You don’t have to just live and (mostly) die with your crappy “real” team

If you’re a fan of the Cubs, Indians, Royals, Pirates, Blue Jays, and a handful of other teams, you already know going into the season that you have a greater chance of marrying Heidi Klum (and remember, she’s already married) than seeing your team win a World Series.

Having a fantasy baseball team gives you a reason to stay interested in baseball past the month of June, when you otherwise would already be lamenting the fact that you root for a loser…and questioning what exactly that says about you as a person (hint: that might be a loser). Plus, if your baseball fortunes rise and fall only with the fortunes of a crappy, hopeless team like ones mentioned above, it can make for a pretty salty summer for you and your loved ones.

More importantly, it isn’t just the MLB teams that enter the month of March with a fresh, positive feeling every year and dreams of September glory to come. You harbor these very same feelings, because it’s a new season for you too. And whether the Yankees or the Cubs are the “real” team you root for, only one of which has any prayer at a title, you have the opportunity win a title thanks to your fantasy team.

And really, at the end of the day, things don’t really change much for us guys whether we’re 7 or 37. We all just want to win a trophy.

2. It gives you at least one inalienable guy’s night

While I don’t think the founding fathers ever envisioned the word they made famous –  ”inalienable” – being applied to men and fantasy leagues, I can only attribute that to their lack of foresight.

Guys, I’m going to level with you: if you are with a chick who would come between you and your fantasy sports, run don’t walk to the nearest exit.

We all know that one of the most important reasons we love fantasy sports is for the draft. Whether it’s live around a big table with all of your buddies and some beer, or whether everyone congregates online (still with beer, of course), this is easily one of the most relaxing, entertaining, anticipated nights in the year of a dude.

Now look, I’m not saying cut the cord with your significant other if she gives you some grief about your draft. In most cases, a little bit of grief and guilt is to be expected. (And if in your case it is not to be expected, you should go out and by your woman flowers. Now. Stop reading this and bow down to your better half you fortunate fool.)

Fantasy draft night is one of the most important turf wars in any relationship. If your girl cannot understand the importance of this night to you, that should be a pretty conspicuous red flag.

And because this test is so important, it’s a great reason to play fantasy baseball. You need to know how she’ll react.

(By the way, one strategy to try if you are given some grief about draft night is to say this: “Fine, I won’t participate in any fantasy leagues, and thus won’t go to any drafts, if you don’t buy shoes all year.” She’ll be left speechless, obviously will have no comeback, and you’ll be well on your way to a peaceful night of drafting.)

(And one more hint: if you really want it to be a peaceful night of drafting that possibly even has a happy ending, and you’re more successful than 99% of us so you have some extra cash, give her some money to go shoe shopping. Yes, it always comes back to shoes.)

3. Productive procrastination

Most of us that play fantasy baseball are in our late 20s, 30s, or early 40s, and thus we have jobs. For most of us, this means trudging to our place of work every Monday through Friday (and sometimes Saturday) for whatever our particular daily 9-to-5 grind is.

During fantasy football season, you can get by without thinking about your fantasy team during the workday; you have all day Saturday to prep and get your lineups for Sunday. Fantasy baseball, however, is a different animal.

Baseball is played every day, and every day can have a huge influence on your fantasy standing. There is nothing worse than having someone who is sitting on your bench hit two home runs when he could have been playing because your normal starter was off that day. Similarly, it sucks to not realize a bench guy is going up against a pitcher that he has owned historically. So fantasy baseball requires daily attention.

And let’s face it: you are going to procrastinate at some point during the day. (Some of you may actually spend the entire day procrastinating, getting just enough done so that you’re not asked to leave immediately upon arriving to the office the next day.)

The best part about procrastinating by doing fantasy baseball research, hypothesizing trades, and setting your lineups, is that you actually accomplish something at the end of it. You may not have achieved anything worthwhile for work, but you can still have a sense of achievement. Try matching that by wasting a half hour on Twitter or blog hopping.

So instead of leaving the office feeling like a complete failure, you only leave feeling like kind of a failure. Over the long haul, that will do wonders for your self-esteem.

4. Networking benefits

The biggest and most important metropolitan areas in the United States have baseball teams. Some of them, like New York and LA, have two. If you are a businessman, chances are good that you will have to network and do business with other guys that you do not know in these large cities. And if you’re a fantasy baseball manager who does his homework, you’ll have the ability carry on in-depth, intelligent conversations about the local baseball team.

You might laugh when you first read this and think it’s ridiculous, but you shouldn’t.

Look, maybe you are Mr. Personality or your name is Greg Arious and you never have a problem striking up a conversation with someone you’ve just met, but if you’re like many guys you probably experience some awkwardness and choppiness when it comes to small talk. Being able to knowledgeably converse about the bullpen struggles, outfield platoon, or rotation woes of the local team immediately boosts your networking power.

Successful networking is all about finding common ground and establishing ease of conversation as quickly as possible. Researching for your fantasy baseball team arms you with the information power you need.

See? And you thought you were just procrastinating. It’s productive in more ways than one.

5. Fantasy baseball teaches you the concepts of successful stock market investing

That’s right, another business angle.

Seriously.

I’ve played in one league for going on about ten years now. Our commish works for a hedge fund. He and the other smart, “businessey” people in our league (remember, I’m just a basement-dwelling blogger) are always using stock market euphemisms to describe and analogize things that happen in our fantasy league.

And when you think about it, it makes sense.

Successful fantasy baseball managing requires picking the best players based on how they will perform tomorrow and in the futre. Their numbers up until that point are absolutely meaningless for the future success of your team. When it comes to working the waiver wire and trading, you want sell high and buy low.

Successful stock market investing, similarly, requires picking and buying the stocks that will perform above their current value moving forward and selling those that have peaked in value. All of the past upward trending is meaningless if you buy a stock and then it starts to drop, and vice versa.

When you buy and sell is of tremendous importance in both fantasy baseball and the stock market. You cannot become a successful fantasy baseball player without developing the kind of mindset required to invest successfully.

6. You get a 6-month panacea for boredom

The MLB Network and GameCast ensure that for six months out of the year, you cannot possibly have a night with nothing to do. Why? Because you always have the pleasure of tracking your fantasy players on a nightly basis.

Before last year, you could always count on your league’s live scoring system or GameCast to provide instant statistical updates. Now, with the introduction of the MLB Network and their live look-ins on the important moments of nearly every game, this ability to track your team in real-time has been, to use an unfortunate (but appropriate) metaphor, injected in the ass with Deca-Durabolin.

Never again will you have to go home at the end of a long day and lament the fact that there is nothing on TV and nothing to do. Even if you live alone, you won’t have to lament another night of useless boredom. Pop open a cold beer, sit in your recliner with a laptop, and turn on the MLB Network.

And if you juggle the job-wife-kid triumvirate, but every now and then get an evening or even just a few minutes of solitude, this will most likely be the most relaxing and enjoyable part of your night/week/month.

7. You can take pride in your war stories, championships

Remember three years ago when you agonized over whether you should drop injured Star Pitcher A to pick up unknown Pitcher B off the waiver wire, ultimately choosing Pitcher B because of some in-depth injury analysis / statistical algorithm (referred to in common parlance as a “coin flip”) you came up with?

Of course you do. Because Pitcher B went on to win 13 games, have an ERA around 3.50, and helped lead you to a fantasy championship while Pitcher A ended up going on and off the DL all year.

No one else may care but you and the other guys in your league (actually, they don’t really care either, but they occasionally humor you), but you know how ballsy it was to make that move and you know that without it you wouldn’t have that silly purple bobblehead on your dresser commemorating your title.

Well guess what? Those lonely, pathetic chumps who don’t play fantasy baseball never have the opportunity create such memories and tell such war stories. I know…I laugh at those losers too.

Ultimately, that’s the point: you don’t want to be a loser, or feel like one, and you definitely don’t want to allow yourself to become an angry, bored old man

And the way to combat all of this is to play fantasy baseball.

It may not get you chicks – in fact, it might even cost you the one you’re with – but I’ll be damned if it doesn’t make you a better, happier man.

**********

* – Loser picture credit:  Confessions of a She-Fan

* – Man and woman photo credit: Mars Venus Living

* – Networking photo credit: Here

(Photo art by Midwest Sports Fans)

It was not a good weekend for fans of Tennessee, Michigan, Oklahoma, and Wisconsin. All four teams lost huge games that will have negative ripple effects for the rest of their seasons.

Tennessee feel to 0-3 in the SEC, and 2-4 overall, with a 24-16 loss to the Georgia Bulldogs. Phil Fulmer is now squarely on the hot seat and the Volunteers are showing no signs of being able to turn their terrible season around.

Michigan lost for the first time ever to a MAC team as they fell 13-10 to Toledo in the Big House. Rich Rodriguez is stubbornly trying to run the spread offense without the personnel to do so, and proving that he has the biggest ego in college football north of Gainesville, FL. Looks like the bad karma of his unceremonious exit from West Virginia has followed him to Ann Arbor.

Bob Stoops lost for the third time in four years to Texas coach Mack Brown as the Oklahoma Sooners let an early lead disappear in a 45-35 loss to Texas. Bob Stoops proves yet again that he simply can’t win the big one, and is now being sarcastically referred to as “Big Game Bob.” At least the Sooners are still a top 10 team and a couple of Texas stumbles from being right back in the Big 12 race.

And Wisconsin…oh Wisconsin…they were trounced 48-7 by a Penn State team that is playing incredibly well. Brett Bielema has now seen his Badger team fall to 3-3 overall and 0-3 in the Big Ten. Luckily for him, there are no other good teams in the Big Ten, so the Bielema and the Badgers have a good shot of finishing 8-3.

All in all, each of these four coaches was a huge loser this weekend. Phil Fulmer and Rich Rodriguez were bigger losers, as their team’s seasons are pretty much in the tank. However, Phil Fulmer takes the award for Biggest Loser as the latest misstep by the Tennessee Volunteers may in fact be the straw that breaks the camel’s back and forces Fulmer to find a new job.

[tags]college football, michigan wolverines, rich rodriguez, tennessee volunteers, phil fulmer, wisconsin badgers, brett bielema, oklahoma sooners, bob stoops[/tags]

Anyway, I just read a pretty crazy and ridiculous story over at ProFootballTalk.com. Apparently, while Rudi Johnson was meeting with Matt Millen in Detroit to finalize his new contract, Johnson’s bags were stolen. The culprit? None other than Tatum Bell, the man whom Johnson will be replacing on the depth chart.

According to the story, Johnson left his bags sitting outside of Millen’s office and when he came out, they were gone. But there was surveillance footage showing Bell pilfering the sacs (I had to…I know it’s a baseball phrase, and that it should be spelled sacks…but who cares, this story about the Detroit Lions). He then took them to some chicks house and made up an excuse about he thought they were somebody else’s that he knew.

Umm…I know that NFL players are stupid, but I guess I didn’t realize the full extent. Well done Tatum. You succeeded in doing the impossible: making someone in Detroit look dumber than Matt Millen.

This guy, however, is a genius:

This morning while sitting on the throne and taking care of business (I ate a huge meal at Chili’s last night…fyi) I read something in the Sporting News that made me want grab the plunger and plunge the wooden handle into my eye socket: Curtis Painter, senior quarterback at Purdue, has an official Heisman Trophy campaign.

What? Really?

The only reason I tell you that I was near a toilet while reading this story is that my first reaction should have been to dump the entire magazine into the crapper and flush immediately. Unfortunately, as if passing a car wreck on the side of the road, I simply could not resist the urge to read on.

Apparently, Purdue has invested money in creating DVDs and calendars entitled “Painting a Masterpiece” that promote Curtis Painter’s storied career at Purdue University. It includes all of his big game performances, clutch TD passes against top-ranked teams, and the leadership qualities he has displayed in leading Purdue to Big Ten titles and BCS appearances.

If you did not get smacked in the face with the sarcasm of that last statement, you’re a moron. If that were actually true, Purdue promoting Painter’s big game performances, it would be a pretty short DVD. The only one “painting a masterpiece” in this story is me while I was taking the Browns to the Super Bowl as I was reading.

What the hell is the world coming to? Curtis Painter is being heavily promoted for the Heisman Trophy? I always thought the criteria was “most outstanding player in college football”, not “senior quarterback on a mid-level BCS conference team who racks a bunch of stats against Eastern Illinois and South Idaho Tech…but he’s a senior quarterback, so why not?” Apparently this is what Purdue’s crack Sports Information Department thought.

Quick…name for me a memorable Curtis Painter performance that mattered.

Waiting…

Waiting…

And DO NOT say that he was MVP of the Motor City Bowl. Heisman Trophy candidates do not play in the Motor City Bowl! Ever! And this guy has an official Heisman campaign?

Purdue may as well promote Matt Painter or Curtis Jackson (aka 50 Cent…who I’m sure could complete a “bubble screen” and would at least provide some mobility when the pocket collapses…and yes, I’m stereotyping. Get over it.)

If Curtis Painter has a Heisman campaign, then there are a lot of other senior quarterbacks around the country who are completely undeserving based on merit but should now feel slighted. What about Todd Boekman for Heisman? He’s a senior quarterback on a team that is actually good and even though he sucked at the end of last season he played decent in some big spots last year. Oh wait…they have Beanie Wells, a legitimate Heisman candidate who has talent and doesn’t pee all over himself against good teams.

It got me to thinking though…if Curtis Painter is now a candidate for the Heisman trophy (he’s not in reality…but just for the sake of argument) who else now deserves consideration for major awards? How about Travis Hafner for AL MVP? Or Kelvin Sampson for Coach of the Year? Maybe Paul Walker will get an Oscar campaign someday. Perhaps John Edwards for Husband of the Year? Or how about we send out calendars and DVDs promoting Beano Cook for “Most Attractive Neck.”

The sad thing is that there is precedent for a turd like Curtis Painter being a legitimate Heisman candidate. What do Gino Torretta, Jason White, and Eric Crouch all have in common? Aside from the fact that they did nothing in the NFL (something Curtis Painter will share with them), they were all senior quarterbacks who won the Heisman Trophy even though there were clearly better players in college football that year.

However, there is one big distinction between them and Curtis Painter: THEIR TEAMS WERE GOOD! National championship good! Purdue will be a second-class citizen in a conference that isn’t all that good or deep in the first place. And his coach has a stupid mustache. Seriously…name the last player to play for a coach with a stupid mustache that won the Heisman trophy. This is yet another in the litany of strike against the Curtis Painter for Heisman campaign.

It just shocks me that a public university like Purdue could be allowed to throw away money like this. There are so many other positive things that the money could have been used for. Cancer research. Charitable donations. Even campus beatification. And think about all of the male Purdue students in bars wearing their plaid shirts tucked into jorts and trying to spit game on the lovely Purdue co-eds (and this case lovely is actually a synonym for “not lovely”) and getting shot down mercilessly. If the money used for “Curtis Painter for Heisman” had gone to purchasing these guys some decent clothes they might get ass once in a while. Then all the guys in West Lafayette wouldn’t walk around like they have sticks up their butts and they might get over the fact that their teams never win anything of significance and they might realize their error in consistently considering just being decent to be some sort of achievement.

So, consider this post to be the first of many official votes in the column of “Curtis Painter Has No Chance And Shouldn’t Even Be Considered for The Heisman Trophy.” After he cleans up against Purdue’s inferior non-conference schedule and Purdue is 4-0 and ranked #23 and all of their fans have dickjaurons (this is an inside joke term among the writing team of Midwest Sports Fans that means a very tiny erection, by the way) some idiot like Mark May will probably list Curtis Painter among their Heisman candidates. But then Purdue will lose a succession of big games and Painter will play terrible and we’ll never have to hear “Curtis Painter” and “Heisman” in the same sentence again.

Until then, just try your best not to impale yourself with the wooden rod of a plunger. I resisted the urge…somehow…after reading about this completely unnecessary and unwarranted Heisman campaign…and I’m sure you can too.

On another note, does anyone know when the Kellen Lewis for Heisman Campaign will officially begin?

I received a message this evening from MSF.com Featured Author Ryan Russell informing me that he would be writing a Cleveland Indians blog tomorrow. There is no chance that I will allow the first post about the Cleveland 4thplacers to be positive.

So, to ensure that this does not occur, I am posting my own Cleveland Indians blog. There is so much venom, so much hatred, so much loathing that I feel for this entire franchise I could write for hours. I finally decided that the theme of my post would be the first thing that comes to mind when I think of the Cleveland Indians. That was easy. One very simple, accurate word:

Losers.

So without further adieu, I give you the Top 10 Losers in the last 15 years of Cleveland Indians sucking, in no particular order:

#10) Anyone who is an Indians fan. Your team sucks. Jose Mesa made sure that you will never win a World Series. And while I admire your commitment to sticking with your team, just know that you will never be rewarded with anything more than a fleeting playoff run like last season…followed shortly thereafter by a trade of your Cy Young Award Winning pitcher midway through the next season. Yeah…being an Indians fan is awesome!

#9) Paul Sorrento – Now, I realize the first thing that any Indians fan will mention is the obvious similarity between Sorrento and Paul Konerko. Same first name. Similar sounding last name. Same position. Both are slow, goofy white guys. Blah blah blah. The difference is that Paul Konerko is good, made All-Star teams, and won a World Series. The only thing that Paul Sorrento is winning is a “Stupidest Curly Mullet” content or an award for “Dumbest High School Yearbook Picture That Is Available Online.” Slap Paul Sorrento between two pieces of bread, drizzle some honey mustard on him, and throw in a few dill pickles, and you get the biggest turd sandwich ever. Total loser

#8) Bobby Howry – Yes, I realize he came up with the White Sox. However, look at these two pictures. If that doesn’t make him a loser, I don’t know what does. He left the White Sox a few years before WE WON THE WORLD SERIES, and has since played for 150 combined years of World Series futility. Good move Howry. I can excuse a guy for playing for the Indians after a successful White Sox career (Harold Baines, Jack McDowell, Jason Bere, etc.). But the Indians AND the Cubs? That, my friends, makes you a loser. Bobby Howry: loser.

#4-7) Travis Fryman, Omar Vizquel, Richie Sexson, Russell Branyan – Look, they all had a few moments of success here and there. And Vizquel is probably going to the Hall of Fame because Joe Morgan thinks he’s smooth at shortstop. But was there anything more flaming than Omar Vizquel turning a double play? …If you said Richie Sexson breathing, you’d be correct! Richie Sexson may be my least favorite player ever. Although he did provide KVB and I with plenty of laughter over the years. Considering the ramifications of his middle name being “Butt” was one of our favorite activities while watching the big 6’8 tool whiff at 99% of the pitches thrown at him. And Russell Branyan was pretty much Richie Sexson Lite…but even worse at baseball. Travis Fryman I really could care less about, but I know a lot of Indians fans don’t like him. By the way, that’s him above to the left…but his head’s cut off. Both of the kids standing next to him could have produced just as well as Fryman at the end of his career…So he’s on the list. All four of these turds: Total losers.

I’m going to take a quick break from my perfectly warranted and accurate Indians bashing to present you with Richard Dreyfuss. Why? Because when I searched for Omar Vizquel pics on Google Images, this picture of Richard Dreyfuss popped up. And I laughed my ass off. There are few things in life as funny as a still shot of Richard Dreyfuss. I think this picture was taken right after someone in the room asked “Who farted?” Clearly, the guilty cheek-parter was Dreyfuss. But he is looking in the direction of the questioner with a quizzical expression to divert suspicion from himself. But the guy sitting behind Dreyfuss clearly has a faceful of good ‘ol Richard’s noxious flatulence. So this picture is definitely from after Richard Dreyfuss tooted, and there is absolutely no reasonable argument to the contrary. Mr. Holland’s S-B-D.

Now back to the Indians bashing..

#3) Travis Hafner – They call him “Pronk”. That is the dumbest nickname I’ve ever heard. They s hould just call him Travis “I’ve Done Squat Since MLB Began Testing for Steroids” Hafner. Is there any doubt this guy was juicing and, as a result, is now incompetent and always injured? Umm…no. Plus, he’s ugly. Look, I’ll admit that he was a pretty scary hitter there for about 3 weeks a few years ago. Now? Is he even playing anymore? He’s the kind of guy that I wouldn’t even be able to like if I was a fan of his team. Something tells me Indians fans are starting to feel the same way. And I cut off his head because I’m fairly certain he does not possess the mental capacities of normal, contemporary human beings. He is like a big, dumb Neanderthal who just swings at everything…and now that his formerly prodigious strength has been sapped as a side effect of being off the juice, he is completely worthless. And a total, complete, miserable loser.

#2) Jim Thome – I know he’s on the White Sox. And he hit HR #500 as a member of the Good Guys. And I’m even starting to…little by VERY little…warm up to him as his bat heats up this season. But I am not the only White Sox fan who considers Jim Thome to be a curse. We were clearly the best team in baseball in 2006, the year after WE WON THE WORLD SERIES (not that I’m trying to rub it…*cough*1948…in or anything.). But the swap of Aaron Rowand, the heart and soul of the 2005 WORLD SERIES CHAMPION CHICAGO WHITE SOX, for our former enemy was simply too much to overcome. Ask the Cubs about curses…they can be deadly. The thing about Thome is that he was literally my least favorite player on those Indians teams from the mid-90s that could flat-out crush the ball…Albert Belle, Manny Ramirez, Carlos Baerga, Kenny Lofton…that was an exciting offense. I hated those guys, but respected them. Thome I pretty much just hated. And I know that KVB will back me up on this. So even though I am trying my hardest to let bygones be bygones and cheer for this guy, there is no way that I can make a Cleveland Indians Biggest Losers list and not include Jim Thome. Hawk Harrelson’s mancrush on him be damned…Jim Thome is still a loser. (and note to self…figure out how to import images so that it doesn’t cut off everyone’s head!)

And now…drumroll please…the biggest loser of the last 15 years of Cleveland Indians losing:

#1) Grady Sizemore – Is he a pretty good player? Yes. Let’s get that out of the way right now. Is he wildly overrated also? Abso-frieking-lutely. I love Peter Gammons, but if you listen to him you would think that Grady Sizemore is Joe DiMaggio, Mickey Mantle, and Junior Griffey (I HATE it when people call him that) all rolled into one. Well, he’s not. He doesn’t hit for a great average, he hits lots of home runs with no one on base, and most importantly, he’s a metrosexual, curly-haired, mamma’s boy, 8th-inning-solo-shot-in-a-10-2-game LOSER. Some people just are not winners. Like Alex Rodriguez. Tracy McGrady. The Kansas City Royals. The NHL. Ryan Russell in the first Madden game of the night against Jerod. Add Grady Sizemore to the list, because he is not a winner. I predict that as long as he’s prancing around centerfield for the Indians he will put up good stats, and the closest he’ll ever come to winning anything significant was last year. Eventually he and “Pronk” will retire into obscurity and film local car dealership commercials in Cleveland with some stupid “Odd Couple” theme to them. I envision this happening…and right now you agree with me. Grady Sizemore is nothing more than a box score wonder who will put up stats and purposely drop the soap in the shower. GIANT loser.

Please feel free to express your empty and meaningless disagreements in the comments section Indians fans. But be forewarned, I own the ultimate trump card. (see below, right…WE WON THE WORLD SERIES!). Can any of your great-grandfathers even say that? And if you have a problem with anything in this post, email ozzie@ericwedgeisaclown.com. Then don’t be surprised if an angry Venezuelan shows up at your house at 3am to give you his own rebuttal.
Ozzie Guillen is the man.