After last night’s loss to West Virginia in the Orange Bowl (a game summed up perfectly with one picture here), Allen was asked if the “empty feeling” he had after playing poorly in the loss would be a reason for him to come back. This is how he responded, which has led more than a few folks to jump to totally unnecessary conclusions:

Transcript:

No, no. That’s why I’m going to take some days off to really get away from this feeling and to think things through, the pros and cons. I’m happy to say that the one thing that’s not going to go in my decision is money. Being at Clemson I have more money, more resources than I’ve ever had in my whole life.

This statement by Allen has led to the video being posted at Reddit with the title “Clemson pays its players very well, according to their star tight end” and numerous commenters on the video have left sentiments that echo the first comment, which says, “WHAT AN IDIOT! HE JUST DROPPED DIME THAT CLEMSON IS PAYING HIM MORE MONEY THAN HE HAS EVER HAD IN HIS LIFE”. (If that isn’t the quintessential YouTube comment, I don’t know what is.)

I am posting the video to stop the idiocy before it starts.

Yes, Allen gives a little smirk that one might describe as mischievous when he says the money line, before quickly adding in “more resources” to the quote:

And yes, I am quite certain that players all over the country get their pockets lined with more money than what a scholarship provides. But Allen making this remark in no way suggests or proves that Clemson is doing anything under the table to get its players money.

In fact, this is a good time to remind everyone just how much athletes get from their scholarship, because it is more than just room and board and book money. And this topic is outlined very well at this post from HolyTurf.com entitled “Football Players Receive $17,000 Annually in Cash, all within NCAA Rules.” (Give the maligned YouTube comments credit, as this link was left in the comment section of the above video.)

Here are a couple of stipends you may not know that college athletes can or do receive:

Pell Grant
Many football student-athletes qualify for a Pell Grant based on several factors, but most earn a Pell Grant based on a lack of wealth from their parents. According to collegeboard.com, “The U.S. Department of Education uses a standard formula to evaluate the information you supply when applying for a Pell Grant. This formula produces a number called the Expected Family Contribution (EFC), which determines if you are eligible. The grant requires that you: 1. Are an undergraduate student who has not earned a bachelor’s degree. 2. Are a U.S. citizen or an eligible noncitizen. 3. Have a high school diploma or a GED, or demonstrate the ability to benefit from the program”

A full Pell Grant is worth $5,500 a year and never has to be repaid because it is a grant, not a loan. Football players get $5,500 each year to do with what they want.

Clothing Money
If a football player qualifies for a Pell Grant, they also get $500 of clothing allowance each year. My memory fails me, but I am almost certain this money is from the conference. Football players can buy whatever clothes they want as long as they bring back $500 worth of receipts to their Compliance department showing the clothes they bought. Now, many football players will spend this money on new Nike’s, hats, jeans or t–shirts. This money could be spent on buying a nice suit, or a few pairs of khaki pants and some button down shirts, but rarely is that the case.

Now, I don’t know anything about Dwayne Allen’s life growing up in Fayetteville, North Carolina. I don’t know if he comes from a low income background or from a wealthy one. Obviously this would be important information to have when placing his “I have more money, more resources than I’ve ever had in my life” line in context. But having been around college football programs growing up (my dad was an assistant in the Big Ten), I know that a great many players do come from very poor backgrounds, poor enough that $17,000 in room, board, food, clothes and the like would be a significant upgrade over what they’ve ever known.

So, to all though who want to jump on the bandwagon that DWAYNE ALLEN EXPOSED CLEMSON with his comments last night, just cool it. I know this is the Internet, but there is no need for outlandish knee jerk reactions. Save that for real hot button, point-and-laugh comments…like this guy mistaking First Lady Michelle Obama for Lisa Salters.

So you know what that means…

Steve Young will be waxing profusely about the “artistry” of quarterbacking; Trent Dilfer will say over and over, emphatically, that Aaron Rodgers is playing quarterback better than anyone ever has; Jon Gruden will be this guy’ing and that guy’ing about Rodgers all night long; and Ron Jaworski will be so damn excited after a week of watching tape that he may just having orgasms every time Rodgers takes a snap from center.

Indeed, it will be ESPN’s finest and most understated hour.

So in honor of the four men who will undoubtedly annoy the hell out of America all night tonight – seriously, is this even questionable? – here is the best picture that has ever been taken of Jaws.

Why do I do this? Because I urge you all to imagine this picture any time one of these guys starts talking about Rodgers.

As sure as Aaron Rodgers’ ball flight and the way he’s “spinning it” will come close to curing cancer on the field tonight, you’ll enjoy yourself at least a little bit by having a funny mental visual to go with the inevitable over-fawning we’re all about to be subjected to.

Right Trent Dilfer?

Never mind. Trent appears lost in thought. Already. About Aaron Rodgers I’m sure.

I really wish I could look forward to just kicking back and watching a Monday Night Football game and enjoying what will surely be some terrific quarterback play without being bombarded with thoughts three hours before kickoff about how much I already know I’m going to hate it. But I will. I know it.

All because Gruden, Young, Dilfer, and especially Jaws have so much perspective about the quarterback position that they’ve completely lost perspective about it.

But hey, at least the pregame show and halftime highlights will be good right?

Screw it. I’m playing Wii instead.

**********

Either way, I bet you this never happens to Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth.

GIF source: MockSession | Hat tip: Reddit

Give Gruden credit though. After emphatically swinging his fists down, thinking he was about to complete an incredible three-way fist pound, he doesn’t allow his disappointment or embarrassment to show, whereas most guys would. But THIS GUY, he just deftly continues his arm motion right to his front and grabs his right wrist with his left hand. That could have ended much, much worse, but Gruden handled it well…much better than Jaworski handled his simple job of just giving Gruden the double pound on top and below. Watch Tirico’s boss-like execution juxtaposed against Jaworski’s total whiff. This is not surprising.

And that’s about enough analysis of this fist pound. It was, however, the most interesting aspect of last night’s Monday Night Football “game” between the Jets and Dolphins. Suck for Luck baby!

Image source: Monkey Jedi

At least I like football right? That’s got to count for something.

1. Green Bay Packers 5-0 

Another Packers win means more from Amanda Lawson.

“The Packers were slow to start Sunday night against the Falcons and didn’t seem to be on their “A” game. But Rodgers and crew got things heated up in the second half. Even with Chad Clifton’s significant hamstring injury, Rodgers was able to throw for 396 yards and 2 touchdowns, with rookies Dereck Sherrod and Marshall Newhouse stepping up to the plate. Don’t expect the injuries to plague Green Bay like last year. This time, they’re ready.

2. Baltimore Ravens 3-1

Bye weeks are the worst. Whenever my team has a bye week I wake up and feel like someone has died. I don’t know what to do. I just sit in my bed and try to remember what else there is to do on a Sunday afternoon. The answer is usually take a nap.

3. New Orleans Saints 4-1

Drew Brees really knows how to pull out wins in close games, which is one of the main reasons this team will 13 games this year like I said they would last week. Unless Roman Harper keeps picking fights with Steve Smith. That didn’t go so well for him.

4. Detroit Lions 5-0

Calvin Johnson is an absolute beast. He’s on pace for like 100 touchdowns this year. Speaking of Johnson, on Monday night after his first touchdown, he leapt into the crowd and left a Lions fan with an odd decision. Is it acceptable to pat Calvin Johnson on the ass after he scores and jumps into your lap? Or do you just awkwardly tap his helmet and back until he goes back down to the field?

5. New England Patriots 4-1

In this week’s MMQB, Peter King suggested putting Wes Welker into the Hall of Fame conversation. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Welker is not a HOF wide receiver right? Or am I missing something here?

6. Buffalo Bills 4-1

Impressive win for the Bills against the Eagles. Impressive season for the Bills so far in 2011. It has been a pleasure to watch. I hope it continues.

7. San Diego Chargers 4-1

This team barely beat Tim Tebow. Ugh, they are the worst. I hate them more than anything right now.

8. San Francisco 49ers 4-1

I’m going to quote Jerod’s twitter for this slot this week. He is in love with the 49ers, and after their beat down on the Buccaneers, I don’t blame him.

9. Pittsburgh Steelers 3-2

I learned absolutely nothing from the Steelers-Titans game this week. Are the Steelers good? Are the Titans just capitalizing on beating mediocre teams? Who is Issac Redman and when did Johnathon Dwyer leave Georgia Tech? These teams give me headaches.

10. Tampa Bay Buccaneers 3-2

Not only did the Bucs get a beast down against San Francisco this weekend, they also found themselves in some injury trouble. Not good news for a team on track to make the playoffs.

11. Houston Texans 3-2

Andre Johnson is out with a hamstring injury, and now Mario Williams is out for the year with a pectoral injury. Definitely not going to help this team learn how to close out close games. Maybe it’s time to look into a new coach. Six years into the gig and you would think the guy would learn some late game strategy by now.

12. Oakland Raiders 3-2

For no real logical reason, I have always been a Raiders fan. When I was kid, I would constantly watch an old NFL Films video that my dad had laying around the house. Somehow I fell in love with the Raiders. I loved the way they didn’t give a shit what anyone thought of them. I loved the way they just went out and played football. They went out each Sunday not to win games, but to make the other team quit. They were the definition of old school football. Thanks for that Al Davis.

To quote Chuck Klosterman, “He was my favorite owner, ever. I have no idea if he was a good person.” Frankly, it doesn’t matter if he was or not. He shaped the NFL into what it is today. And for that, we can never thank him enough.

13. Chicago Bears 2-3

I can’t believe I am saying this, but I feel bad for Jay Cutler. Jared Allen is going to absolutely murder him on Sunday night.

14.Tennessee Titans 3-2

Chris Johnson is on pace to run for only 800 yards this year. SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!

15. Washington Redskins 3-1
16. Dallas Cowboys 2-2
17. New York Giants 3-2

Is the NFC East the worst division in football this year? None of these teams have shown any form of consistency whatsoever in the first five weeks. Every game is a coin flip. One can only hope this mess will sort itself out by the end of the year.

18. Cincinnati Bengals 3-2

Misspelled Cincinnati again. I’m just going to start calling them Cincy from now on, because that is almost impossible to mess up.

The Bengals next three games look like this: home vs. Colts, away vs. Seattle, away vs. Titans. Realistically three winnable games. Who would have thought the Bengals would have a chance to be 6-2 this year? And if we redo the 2011 NFL Draft, is Andy Dalton the second quarterback taken? Almost has to be.

19. Atlanta Falcons 2-3

Great first quarter against Green Bay, not so good second, third and fourth quarter. At least the NFL now has some sort of idea of how to stop the Green Bay Packers, and for that, we thank you.

20. New York Jets 2-3

The Jets play on Monday night this week against the Dolphins, which means It’s time for a John Gruden impression. Here is “John Gruden” talking about Antonio Cromartie.

“Antonio Cromartie. This is a guy who absolutely loves tits. He has eight kids by seven women in six states. You know what that means? That means this guy has a passion for things that he loves, and he loves tits. If I was his coach, I would walk up to him and say, ‘Hey, Cromartie. You see this ball? Next time a quarterback throws one in your direction, pretend the ball is a pair of tits, and go grab those. Make that tit ball yours and take it home with you.’ That’s what I would do.”

Image source: Photobucket

21. Seattle Seahawks 2-3

Tarvaris Jackson outplayed Donovan McNabb this week again. I just threw up in my mouth again.

22. Cleveland Browns 2-2

Another team on a bye week. At they didn’t have to trot out in their brown/orange/pink uniforms this week.

23. Kansas City Chiefs 2-3

Like I said last week, a solid QB t0 WR combination is more important in today’s NFL than a dominant running back is. Kansas City has shown that over the last three weeks.

24. Carolina Panthers 1-4

I don’t think I’ll ever be on the Cam Newton bandwagon, but that doesn’t mean I won’t admit that he has given the Panthers a chance to win every week. Sometime soon, they will figure out how to win those close games, and they will make the NFL a lot more interesting.

25. Philadelphia Eagles 1-4

This team is a mess. And the messiest part is they are in a clusterfuck of a division full of inconsistent teams. It is only Week 6. The Eagles could still make the playoffs. If that is to happen, avoid ESPN at all costs.

26. Minnesota Vikings 1-4

VH1 released their “Best Songs of the 00′s” recently, and it sucked. So I’m working on my own list. He’s my tentative Top 10. You will probably think my list sucks too.

• Hey Ya – Outkast
• Crazy – Gnarls Barkley
• American Idiot – Green Day
• Lose Yourself – Eminem
• Seven Nation Army – The White Stripes
• Electric Feel – MGMT
• In Da Club – 50 Cent
• Jesus Walks – Kanye West
• Wake Up – Arcade Fire
• 99 Problems – Jay-Z

27. Jacksonville Jaguars 1-4

This weekend I had a severe bout with asthma. I spent a majority of my time in my bed or on my friends couch, trying not to move so I didn’t lose my breath. Once that happened, it took a solid 30 to 45 minutes to get it back. Just from rolling from one side of my bed to the other. As you can imagine, it was not fun.

Having constant asthma attacks seems about as fun as being a Jaguars fan this year. I feel bad for them. They deserve better.

28. Denver Broncos 1-4

Tim Tebow. Tim Tebow. Tim Tebow. Tim Tebow. Tim. F’ing. Tebow.

Image credit: AP Photo/Phelan M. Ebenhack via BroncoTalk.net

29. Arizona Cardinals 1-4

If the Cardinals don’t give the Vikings the ball inside their own 30 yard line four times in the first quarter, they probably don’t give up 28 points within the first 15 minutes. They also probably win the game as they outscored Minnesota 10-6 over the next three quarters and they wouldn’t have had to spend the rest of the game trying to throw down field and try to get back into the game as quick as possible.

Regardless, this is still a pretty bad team. And Patrick Peterson is absolutely afraid of Adrian Peterson, which was hilarious to watch. Welcome to the league rookie.

30. St. Louis Rams 0-4

No offensive line, no secondary, no primary wide receiver. They are a lot farther away from the playoffs than we originally thought.

31. Indianapolis Colts 0-5

Curtis Painter is actually starting to look like a competent NFL quarterback. Now if he would only throw to Dallas Clark a little more often and help out my fantasy team.

32. Miami Dolphins 0-4

Miami should really be looking for some sort of loop hole that will allow Andrew Luck to start for them this week against the Jets.

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Also be sure to check out Jerod’s latest “Suck 4 Luck” Power Rankings to see how the bottom rung of these power rankings stacks up in the race to get Andrew Luck.

Despite the fact that no one really cares (or should care) what a musician thinks about anything other than the songs he is playing, ESPN decided that Williams’ controversial comments about Barack Obama and Hitler (I still don’t exactly what they were) were just too much for a Worldwide Leader to bear.

Whatever.

The truth of the matter is that ever since Monday Night Football went to ESPN, big Hank and his song have lost almost all of their relevancy.

It used to be that MNF started with a Hank-ignited bang right at 8:00 on ABC, followed by a few minutes of succinct stage-setting, and then BAM!..the game started. Now that Monday Night Football is on ESPN, the pregame show starts pretty much right after Mike & Mike in Morning ends and goes all the way up until kickoff. The theme song occurs sometime in between Chris Berman trotting out a tired, decades-old nickname and Jon Gruden’s first “This guy!” of the evening, but frankly I can’t even remember the last time I saw it.

Despite this reality, a lot of time and keyboard strokes have been wasted discussing the opinions of a musician that nobody (should) care about who sings a song that a steadily decreasing number of people care about or even watch. But it’s been force-fed to us like it is the most exigent of sports stories since it involves ESPN. Well, I think I speak for all of my rowdy friends here at MSF when I say: it’s not. So enough’s enough.

Of course, now the ultimate irony has occurred: my agitation at being force-fed this lame-o Hank/ESPN  story has led me to force-feed it to you. Bah! The cycle continues! If this were The Neverending Story, The Nothing would be closing in on and we’d all be doomed. (Luckily it’s just Midwest Sports Fans, my name is neither Bastien nor Atreyu, and no flying, talking dogs are anywhere in sight; so we’re safe. Whew.)

To make amends to being a part of the problem and further talking about this stupid story, I’m going to spend the rest of the post making sure that you at least get some value and entertainment for your troubles. And I’m going to do this by being solution-oriented.

I’ve decided to expound on some thoughts I tweeted out earlier today and describe a number of options ESPN could choose to replace Hank Williams Jr. for the MNF theme song.

ESPN won’t choose any of these ideas of course – because they are unique, interesting, and, dare I say, good – but I guarantee that all of them will be better than the result of the inevitable: ESPN ultimately accepting Satan’s suggestion of having Nickelback (with guest vocalist Scott Stapp) re-do the opening song, with DJ Steve Porter auto-tuning it with spliced-in clips of Frank Caliendo.

…

My apologies for putting that frightening thought into everyone’s head.

Without further ado, here are my ideas, listed in reverse order of how I’d personally rank them.

4. The QuarterbackStreet Boys

Other than doing a hip-hop MNF opening, can you think of any genre of music that is more of the antithesis to Hank Williams Jr. than boy band bubblegum pop? I can’t. And ESPN may not realize it yet, but they’re sitting on an NSync-like musical goldmine right in their own booth.

I give you, The QuarterbackStreet Boys: Ron, Jon, Mikey T, and Ronny J.

Original MSF Photoshop creation

Now, obviously there are a few issues that would need to be ironed out:

1. ESPN would have to figure out the logistics of having Old Ron Jaworski and Young Ron Jaworski in the same musical group at the same time. Could be a bit tricky.
2. There is no way Jon Gruden would would play second-fiddle in this foursome. If you think he’d allow himself to be the JC Chasez to Mike Tirico’s Justin Timberlake, you’re kidding yourself; but there is Mikey T holding the football front and center next to a clearly perturbed Gruden.
3. As for Tirico, he would have to get over himself. Despite getting top billing, just look at this face there in the promo picture. He’s not amused. But if ESPN just plays this right, and informs Tirico of all the tail he could effortlessly pull (without harassment!) being in a boy band, I’m sure he’d get on board.

Clearly having The QuarterbackStreet Boys perform a new pop version of “Are You Ready For Some Football?” would be the ideal. Not one person would dispute this. However, because of the potential issues I just pointed out, it’s probably the most unlikely to happen, hence why it’s listed first.

Too bad.

3. Weird Al Yankovic

Credit for the Weird Al suggestion goes to Travis Miller at Hammer and Rails, who even started a Twitter campaign to make this happen. I could definitely see this being entertaining. Weird Al is, of course, well known for making some of the greatest parody songs of all time. With classics like “Eat It” and “Like a Surgeon” to his credit, surely he could come up with something clever for Monday Night Football.

This one is so obviously outstanding it needs no further explanation. Moving on.

2. “This Is Monday Night Football”

Imagine something with me for a moment:

A 30-second intro with the titles “This Is Monday Night Football” where we are taken behind the scenes at ESPN as the final mad-dash preparations are being made for the MNF broadcast. We see shots of producers, interns running up and down the halls, just general chaos; and maybe even an athlete or two bashing in a computer for no good reason.

Then, out of nowhere, like a beacon of hope and guidance in the midst of the pre-show maelstrom, Charley Steiner appears with a tie wrapped around his head. Holding a lamp, he stares into the camera and emphatically says, “Follow me! Follow me to…FOOTBALL!”

And then BAM…the two helmets collide and we are taken to the booth where The QuarterbackStreet Boys do a little diddy and then preview the game. It’s perfect, right? (I suppose I probably shouldn’t mix and match these ideas together, seeing as how none of them will be chosen individually, but what hell.)

By the way, if the scene described here sounds familiar, it should. The best “This Is ESPN” commercial ever:

But each of the three ideas above pales in comparison to this one…

1. The Lonely Island

In fact, as far as I’m concerned ESPN can forget about each of the other three ideas in this post if they adopt this one. And unlike the QuarterbackStreet Boys, I’m not at all kidding when I propose it.

ESPN should seriously do this.

As I mentioned above, the MNF intro song is essentially irrelevant anymore, so removing Hank Williams Jr. really doesn’t make that big of a deal at all in the grand scheme of things. I saw a tweet pass through my feed earlier today that something to the effect of, “No one will choose to not tune in to watch MNF because the Hank Williams Jr. song isn’t featured anymore.” And that’s correct.

But this opening does give ESPN a chance to do something unique and clever that might get people to tune in to MNF who might not otherwise tune in, or at least to get people who would already be tuning in to tune in earlier. Even if it achieves neither of those objectives, it at least gives ESPN a chance to entertain people more than listening to the same song week after week ever did.

Which is why the WWL should choose the always entertaining Lonely Island to do the intro song. Think of the possibilities if they just spoof the songs they’ve already created:

It could start this week with a new version of “Threw It On The Ground” for the Bears-Lions matchup on Monday night. Seeing as how Ndamukong Suh will likely be throwing Jay Cutler on the ground all night, and Cutler (54.2% completion rate this year) will be throwing it on the ground instead of to his receivers, this would work out perfectly.

Here is the original song for the seven of you who haven’t already laughed hysterically at it.

Another easy one that is coming up soon would be “Vick in a Box” for the November 7th game between the Bears and Eagles, a spoof of the classic “Dick in a Box”.

And if anyone doesn’t like that idea for the Bears-Eagles game, another option would be “I Just Got Sacked”, a parody of “I Just Had Sex” (featuring Akon). Any game featuring Jay Cutler, Michael Vick, and the sieve-like O-lines of the Bears and Eagles is going to feature a lot of sacks. So this one would work out very well.

“Captain Matt Cassel” (still featuring Michael Bolton) would work well for the November 21st game between the Chiefs and Patriots, a spoof of “Jack Sparrow” (featuring Michael Bolton).

The Week 10 Monday nighter features the moribund Vikings against the spectacular Packers. This was once an epic game – as recently as last year – but it could feature a winless team against an undefeated team this time around. So it seems like the perfect time to pile on the Vikings and lampoon one of the most infamous incidents in franchise history.

When you listen the following Lonely Island song, I think you’ll know what incident I’m referring to…

Yes, “I’m On a Love Boat” would be quite entertaining.

Moving on now, if ESPN just wants a general song rather than a new one each week, how about just making the lyrics to “Jizz In My Pants” more football-appropriate and showing a few clips of Gruden and Jaws watching film of Tony Romo’s Week 3 performance against the Redskins.

Alternatively, if ESPN wants to stay away from the references to jizz – a reasonable decision considering their affiliation with Disney – they could always change it to “Jacquizz In My Pants” for the Week 16 game between the Falcons and Saints and rewrite the song to be about how diminutive Falcons RB Jacquizz Rodgers literally would fit in someone’s pants.

I could go on and on doing this for every Lonely Island song, but you get the idea. I mean, do I even need to explain the multitudes of parody ideas, just from the title alone, of the song that put Lonely Island on the pop culture map? I didn’t think so.

And then there’s this one…

(Thanks to Drew for tweeting that out after I’d already published this. How in the world could I forget that one?)

###

The ball is now in your court ESPN. What’s it going to be?

Nickelback with guest vocals by Scott Stapp auto-tuned by DJ Steve Porter and featuring clips of Frank Caliendo?

Or one of the four sublime choices above?

Don’t let us down. We’re still ready for some football, but it’d be nice to have something to look forward to again before it starts.

Predictably, the first several pages of results were filled with images of Gruden looking angry and being compared in side-by-side pictures with everyone’s favorite lovable children’s doll Chucky.

A picture of Tony Kornheiser dressed up as a pilgrim also popped up inexplicably on Page 2, which made me chuckle, but even that was not enough to make me stop scrolling. It’s Google Images…you get used to a completely unrelated pic popping up here or there.

This image, however, did cause me to stop scrolling faster than Jon Gruden can call someone “This guy.”

Image source: Printstown.com

This cover is from the November 26th, 2001 issue of The Sporting News, one of the most respected sports periodicals ever to be in print. And they wondered aloud, on their cover, whether a fourth-year football coach was “perfect”.

I realize that hyperbole on a magazine cover is nothing new, but something about this strikes me as being a level beyond hyperbole. It’s hyperhyperbole.

At the time, Gruden was in the midst of his fourth season as Raiders head coach, a season that would end with a 10-6 record and a loss to New England in the divisional round of the AFC playoffs. You might remember that game. During Gruden’s previous three seasons at the helm in Raiderland, he had two 8-8 finishes and a 12-4 record in 2000 plus a trip to the AFC Championship Game.

Despite TSN’s claim that Gruden “even gets along with Al Davis” he was jettisoned to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers after the 2001 season in one of the more bizarre transactions in NFL history, described here as “a high-stakes trade that included Tampa Bay’s 2002 and 2003 first-round draft picks, 2002 and 2004 second-round draft picks, and $8 million in cash.” The Raiders, of course, made the Super Bowl the next season, only to lose to Gruden’s Buccaneers. (Come to think of it, that was a pretty perfect result for Gruden.)

The rest of Gruden’s tenure in Tampa Bay was a mix bag. In three out of the next six seasons the Bucs had a losing record. Somehow though, Gruden gained a reputation for developing quarterbacks even though he consistently mishandled the position in Tampa Bay and never developed any quarterbacks. He remains a hot coaching commodity who will have no shortage of offers should he ever part ways with Ron Jaworski and Mike Tirico.

But the point of this post isn’t really to assess the perfection or non-perfection of Jon Gruden. You don’t have to be Simeon Rice to know that Gruden isn’t perfect.

Rather, my point here is to highlight the laughable absurdity of the notion in the first place, plus the reasons that TSN posits for Gruden’s perfection: young; handsome; successful; and, able to get along with Al Davis. Seems like a pretty flimsy argument for perfection to me!

Off the top of my head (speaking of flimsy arguments…) I cannot think of another sports magazine cover that is more ridiculous than this one. I’m having a hard time fathoming something more ludicrous than wondering aloud for the world to see if some jackwagon football is “perfect”, though The Sporting News did just that.

So now I will put it to you, dear reader: is this the most ridiculous sports magazine cover ever?

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

Please use the comment section to drop links to covers that you think are more ridiculous than this one. (Maybe we’ll compile the most ridiculous of the ridiculous into one post and let everyone vote…)

Many big name coaches from Ohio have been tossed around as possible candidates to replace Fickell as head football coach.  This once proud program is about to receive the harshest penalty from the NCAA since SMU got the death penalty in 1986.  This may have been one of the top jobs in college football in years past, but now it is a job that will have many premier coaches from the state of Ohio turning down.

Here is why these top coaches from Ohio will not replace Luke Fickell in 2012.

Urban Meyer

He is the top name that various media outlets are saying will replace Fickell.  This seems implausible because he left Florida due to stress-related health issues.  Florida would seem like a vacation compared to dealing with the mess at Ohio State and trying to turn that program around.  His daughter also sent out a tweet saying “Stop txting me abt my dad. HE IS NOT repeat NOT, GOING TO OHIO STATE. thanks.”

Bob Stoops

When he took over at Oklahoma in 1999, he had to take over a program that had been struggling in the years before he got there.  He quickly brought Oklahoma back to their glory days of being one of the best teams in all of college football.   Now they are contenders almost every year to win a national championship.  I can’t see him walking away from annually being the favorite to win the Big 12 for Ohio State.

Jon Gruden

He too has been named a potential candidate to replace Luke Fickell at Ohio State.  Gruden did start as an assistant coach in college football, but all of his head coaching experience has been done in the NFL.  Gruden seems like the kind of coach who is motivated to prove that he can still win Super Bowls in the NFL.  Ohio State would offer a lot of money to Gruden, but he does not seem like the kind of coach that would want to put up with the all the nonsense of the NCAA.

Mark Dantonio

He worked for Jim Tressel at Youngstown State and then as a defensive coordinator for Tressel at Ohio State.  His name has been tossed around as potential coach but I could not see Ohio State hiring any coach who has ties to Jim Tressel.

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* – Urban Meyer photo credit: Tim Casey via GatorCountry.com

He had been on the job for less than a year and was reportedly at odds with head coach Eric Mangini as early as training camp. Rumors have since swirled that former Colts, Browns, and Giants GM Ernie Accorsi will be hired by Browns owner Randy Lerner soon.

We here at Midwest Sports Fans, however, are not so sure. Accorsi is a GM with a pretty successful track record and his hiring would almost seem to be too logical and sound a choice for the Browns.

So we put together top 10 list of candidates who – based on the Browns moribund history since being reinstated in 1999 -are probably more likely to be named General Manager than a former Super Bowl architect.

10 – George Kokinis, former Browns GM

That’s right, Kokinis. I know it sounds strange, but Randy Lerner went against the grain this offseason in hiring Eric Mangini less than ten days after Mangini was fired by the Jets. Before you pooh-pooh this one as being ridiculous and totally outlandish, ask yourself: would you really be 100% surprised?

This is, after all, the Browns we’re talking about here.

9 – LeBron James, Global Icon

Right now the Browns are bringing nothing but despair and embarrassment to the city of Cleveland. In this sense, they are much like the Indians. The Cavs, however, and their hometown superstar, are the one positive sports story the city has to grasp onto.

Until LeBron bolts for the East Coast.

Why not sweeten the Cleveland pot by giving him a the GM position with the Browns? He was a good football player in high school and could ultimately pull an MJ by coming down from the owner’s box and suiting up. Then the Browns would actually have an NFL-caliber receiver.

8 – Ryan Russell, Browns Fan Extraordinaire

You know Ryan from his work here at MSF. If you were at the Cavs’ game on Halloween night, you also know him from his incredible Eric Mangini costume, as chronicled briefly in the video below:

Clearly Ryan and Mangini would be on the same page when it comes to player fines. That’s a start.

7 – Gregg Williams, current Defensive Coordinator of the New Orleans Saints

Williams may not have credentials to be a GM, but that’s never stopped the Browns from hiring people before.

Actually, I propose Williams be named GM / Offensive Coordinator. Sounds strange, right? But think about this: the Saints’ defense has actually scored six touchdowns this season, whereas the Browns’ offense has only scored five. The numbers speak for themselves.

6 – Krayzie Bone, rapper and Cleveland native

You know Krayzie Bone from his work with Bone Thugs-N-Harmony and his subsequent productions as a solo artist. He is also a native of Cleveland who understands the longtime suffering of Browns fans.

Plus, rumors out of Cleveland suggest that Defensive Coordinator Rob Ryan is sick of being the only person referred to as “crazy” around the office. It’s not that he is offended, he’s just ready for a new nickname. Having Krayzie Bone around would give Ryan a chance to be referred to as “wacko”, “crazy man”, and his own personal favorite phrase: “$&@$!“.

5 – John Elway, Browns Dream Denyer

If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, right?

John Elway always seemed to dash Cleveland’s Super Bowl hopes back during the time many, many eons ago when the franchise was competitive. Perhaps he can sprinkle some of his Elway Dust in Berea and reverse the obvious curse that has haunted the franchise since its return.

Sure, it might make the older generation of Browns fans wretch, but wouldn’t everyone get over it if the team made the playoffs? Most every Browns fan I know would sell their souls to the Devil himself for a playoff run. Hiring John Elway would be close, but not quite that bad.

4 – Doc Brown, Inventor

Does the phrase 1.21 gigowatts mean anything to you?

If you’re a Browns fan it should, because imagine all the great things that could be done with Doc Brown as GM and his magic Delorean at the organization’s disposal.

• Go back to 1965 and convince Jim Brown to play another couple of years, thus making more championships possible during the early years of the franchise.
• Go back to 1987 and have someone grab and twist John Elway’s ankle in the middle of the 4th quarter. We wouldn’t want to injure him seriously (well…) but enough so that he couldn’t engineer the famous game-winning drive that haunts the Browns to this day.
• Go back to 1988 and convince Earnest Byner to protect the ball a little bit better.
• Go back to 1999 and draft any of the following instead of Tim Couch: Donovan McNabb, Edgerrin James, Ricky Williams, Torry Holt, Champ Bailey, Andy Katzenmoyer…wait, scratch the last one.
• Go back to the 2008 offseason and not hire George Kokinis…thus rendering his firing yesterday impossible…thus rendering the hiring of Doc Brown impossible…thus erasing all of the previously changed events…thus restoring all of the unhappy memories that define Browns football.

Damnit! We were so close.

3 – Derek Anderson, current Browns starting QB

Think about it: if Anderson has to take over the GM duties, then he can’t play quarterback. We would then be spared from having to watch the only QB in the NFL playing worse than JaMarcus Russell.

The fact there is even a QB playing worse than JaMarcus Russell is mind-boggling…and depressing. And who knows, Mangini might still keep Anderson out there anyway.

Scratch this one. Anderson would probably just give his responsibilities to someone in an opposing franchise anyway…kind of like what he does with the football on a weekly basis.

2 – Jon Gruden, Super Bowl winning coach and Monday Night Football announcer

Have you ever heard this guy say anything negative about anyone on Monday night? In fact, have you ever heard this guy refer to anyone as anything other than a great player or a genius?

I can’t wait to hear what this guy has to say Browns players next week when Cleveland plays Baltimore on Monday Night Football.

On Derek Anderson: “This guy, he’s just an excellent quarterback. He has size, he has a rocket arm, and he’s a guy you can build a winning football team around.”

On Eric Mangini: “This guy, I tell you what, I’ve watched film with him before and he’s a coaching genius. We need to get more press for this guy and get him some Coach of the Year votes.”

I mean, this guy, Jon Gruden, he’s taken to his new position as an announcer and just done a great job. He’s an announcing genius. Not to mention a coaching genius.

Imagine bringing him in as GM. Surely his strategy of positive reinforcement would come with him once he has another NFL job. Hmm…on second thought…

1 – Cleveland Brown, star of The Cleveland Show

The Browns have won only one more game this season than a bunch of cartoon football players would have won, so why not hire a cartoon character to lead the organization? And could his name be any more perfect?

Honestly, this is a match made in Berea.

And from the underwhelming reviews that I’ve seen of The Cleveland Show, it might actually be FOX’s equivalent to the Browns. A perfect match!

Randy Lerner, as sad as it is to say, I think we’ve found the perfect candidate for your franchise.

1. Tony Dungy to Return to Coaching?

Recent rumors have placed Tony Dungy back at the helm of the struggling Tampa Bay Buccaneers as early as next season. Tampa Bay is 0-5, and has shown no signs of life this season, and its coach, Raheem Morris, is no doubt on the hot seat.

There seemingly will be a change in Tampa in the next couple of years, if not before.

I’ll Tell You This:

I love Tony Dungy, and while I hated to see him leave Indianapolis, I felt that it was the best thing for him and his family.

I have been very impressed with Dungy’s studio reporting, and he and Rodney Harrison make a great duo on NBC’s Football in America.

However, I have mixed emotions on his return, especially this soon.

That being said, I believe that if he is to come back to football, Tampa Bay is the place for him to go. It will be tough for him to build a team, but what a great way for him to prove that Tampa should have never let him go.

2. Other Coaching Rumors in the NFL

Several teams will be looking to replace their head coaches this year after very dismal seasons.

It is most likely safe to say that Jeff Fisher’s job in Tennessee is safe for at least one more season.

However John Fox (Carolina), Wade Phillips (Dallas), Norv Turner (San Diego), Tom Cable (Raiders), as well as a few others may not be so fortunate.

I’ll Tell You This:

I am going to make some bold predictions for this offseason.

Bill Cowher, the chin himself, will return to football at the helm of Carolina. His grit-and-spit coaching style is perfect for the struggling Panthers.

Mike Shannahan will end up replacing Wade Phillips in Dallas. What better coach to handle someone like Jerry Jones on a regular basis. There is talent in Dallas (although Romo is terrible in my opinion), and Shannahan will expose that talent.

My boldest prediction is that Norv Turner will be fired from the Chargers and replaced next season by former Seahawks and Packers coach Mike Holmgren. Holmgren has said on TV that he loves the style of football that the Chargers play, and there is no doubt that he would be a great fit in San Diego.

As for Oakland, I understand that there will be a reality show on MTV called “Who Wants to Punch an Assistant”. They are accepting applications right now. Previous work experience only requires a pulse, and knowing the difference between a football and a hamburger.

As long as Al Davis is in the picture this team is doomed to failure.

3. Gruden. Chuckie. NCAA.

Three words that a lot of NFL fans would have never put in a sentence together may now become a reality.

The main rumor circulating is that Charlie Weis’ job does not rest on the success of his Fighting Irish, but on the decision of John Gruden to come to Notre Dame.

However, even more rumors have recently surfaced placing Gruden in Louisville.

I’ll Tell You This:

As a fan of Golden Domers myself, the very thought of Gruden coming to Notre Dame excites me beyond belief.

Although Louisville would be a good fit for Gruden, he has said that it has always been his dream to coach the Fighting Irish.

Gruden would also be great at handling the pressure that comes with the job in South Bend, Indiana, much better than Charlie Weis has thus far.

4. NFL Trade Rumors

With the NFL Trade Deadline fast approaching this coming Tuesday, there are Trade rumors on the wire that may or may not be valid, I will revue what I find as the most interesting two.

Only five weeks after being named the starting QB of the Browns by Eric Mangini, Brady Quinn is now on the trading block.

While Quinn laughs off the rumors, possible destinations have included Oakland, Tampa Bay, and St. Louis.

The other major trade rumor floating around is Terrel Owens and the Bills. The biggest rumor floating is that he may be headed to Chicago to play with Jay Cutler and the Bears.

I’ll Tell You This:

Quinn is not the answer for any of these terrible teams. He has been a let down, and as it hurts me to say since he is a Irish Alum, he is quickly falling into the Ryan Leaf bust category.

Obviously, Buffalo and their terrible 1-4 record is looking into their crystal ball, and seeing that a T.O. blow up is inevitable at this time. Chicago would be a great fit as it would give Cutler the chance to throw the deep ball.

That being said, T.O. is a gamble anywhere he goes, and will likely destroy any locker room that is not completely controlled. Owens needs Parcells….perhaps a trade to Miami?

5. You Tell Me This:

In this week’s edition of “You Tell Me This” I want to hear from you guys about any rumors in any sports that you may know of, and perhaps if there are any spins on the rumors I have posted!

That’s all for this week kids!

First, regarding Brett Favre’s inevitable 2009 comeback.  PFT is reporting today that Brett Favre is planning to visit Dr. James Andrews on Tuesday and that Favre is expected to have surgery to repair his partially torn biceps tendon.  The PFT report comes via Charley Walters of the St. Paul Pioneer Press (via a link I clicked on but could not get to work).

The surgery is expected to sideline Favre (pictured left way back on his draft day…sporting some killer rolled up jean shorts) for 6-8 weeks, meaning he’d be ready for training camp but it would give him a convenient excuse to miss all of the other offseason activities for whatever team he decides to play for.

Of course, this report comes out on the same day that Favre’s agent Bus Cook said that there was no basis for all of the speculation regarding a potential Favre comeback.  Riiiight.  So Favre is going to have surgery just because.  It has nothing to do with getting ready for next season.  Okay Bus.

Anyway, in related news, Favre is also expected to have Dr. Andrews take an X-Ray of his soul.  It is expected that nothing will be found.

The other big story making the rounds in the NFL today was the surprising announcement that Tony Kornheiser was stepping down from his third banana post on Monday Night Football.  Replacing him will be Jon Gruden, who made his love for ESPN known a few years ago when he uttered the following statement (via Deadspin):

“I don’t watch ESPN. I don’t believe half the [expletive] people on the channel, personally – no disrespect. But if Bruce Gradkowski is throwing games in Toledo, how in the hell does he lead the NCAA in passing percentages? That is a crock. You know, these reports make me sick – really. I don’t believe [there is] any truth to it, and I’ll go to my grave believing that. I hope ESPN 3 or 4 has real sources behind this story, because it has nothing to do with the kid. He’s a great kid. He wants to be great. This is very uncharacteristic, in my opinion, of ‘professional’ journalism.”

Isn’t irony a beautiful thing?

I have to say this though: I like the move.  I’m a big fan of Tony Kornheiser, but I think he was horribly miscast at MNF.  So whether his dismissal was really a personal choice because he hated flying (unlikely) or whether he was pushed out by the suits at the WWL (very likely, considering they announced Gruden’s arrival about 30 seconds later), it’s a good move all around.  And I thought that Jon Gruden did a great job during the NFL Network’s coverage of the draft, as I said immediately afterwards.

So at least this story has a happy ending.  The Favre story?  Not to so much…because there never is an ending.

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So I hate to say this but I told you so.

Scott Pioli, the newest member to the Chiefs organization, made it official two weeks ago when he fired Herm Edwards.

Word immediately spread that they were talking to none other than Mike Shanahan, the former head coach of the Denver Broncos. I said in my last article that Mike Shanahan, with his expertise in the running game, would make a great fit for the Chiefs. However, they are having problems getting the deal signed, sealed, and delivered, so I don’t want to be disappointed if that doesn’t work out.

What are their other options?

Todd Haley — He is the offensive coordinator of the Arizona Cardinals who have found themselves in Super bowl XLIII. He’s a young and fiery assistant and has been at the helm of one of the NFL’s most high-powered offenses since 2007. Haley has learned from the best, working under Bill Parcells in Dallas for two seasons. The Chiefs are in need of a fresh start, and Haley is right out of the oven. Seeming inexperienced compared to the rest of the candidates, Haley has received recognition because of Arizona’ s recent run. His passion and emotion could be just the thing for the young Chiefs.

Clancy Pendergast — Maybe a better choice than Haley due to his experience and defensive mindset. While most fans do not recognize the Cardinals a strong defensive team, Pendergast improved their defense from 26th to 12th in his first year (2004) and improved it to 8th overall in 2005. Recently, their defense has shown a tremendous ability to show up in crucial sports throughout the season and into the playoffs. Pendergast’s specialty seems to be his ability to develop a strong defensive line, showcased by his development of Bertrand Berry and Darnell Dockett into Pro Bowlers, which has fit in very nicely with the Chiefs’ young, but very talented, defensive line.

Clandy Pendergast’s experience began in 1995 when he came into the league with the Houston Oilers, but his recognition started with the Dallas Cowboys in 1996. In his 6+ seasons with the ‘Boys, Pendergast was a defensive assistant working with both the secondary and linebackers and is credited with turning safety Roy Williams in to a perennial Pro Bowler. While most are hot on Haley, Pendergast just might be the real treasure on that Arizona staff.

But what if Pioli wants to go in the direction of established head coaches to steer the Chiefs in the right direction? Here are a few possible names, some more likely than others.

Jon Gruden is an obvious choice after being let go this by the Bucceneers on January 16th. He is known for his offensive focus, which helped them get a 12-5 record and a Super Bowl title in his first year with Tampa. Arguably, he took Super Bowl ready team — cooked and baked by Tony Dungy and Gruden just took them out of the oven.

Gruden is considered a safe choice, because he is a “big-name” in the NFL. But I don’t think he is the spark that would ignite enough change for the Chiefs. His ex-Buc’s players don’t like him — he’s apparently a “scumbag” — and even the fans influenced his recent firing. He may have a Super Bowl ring on his finger, but the Bucs turned into a mediocre team on his watch, and the Chiefs are not looking to get worse.

Bill Cowher has expressed some interest in wanting to stay retired for another season, but he would be a perfect fit for the position. Cowher is the face of a traditional football coach, literally. The Chiefs are a similar franchise to the Steelers in terms of history, tradition, and work ethic, and Cowher would make a seemless transition. Cowher’s emotion and excitement would give the Chiefs a much needed reputation makeover and return the edge and grit of the vaunted Chiefs teams of the past.

Dan Reeves- One of the greatest head coaches of all-time has shown interest in returning as a coordinator with the 49ers. Maybe he wants a bigger challenge with more cap room.

Speaking of traditional coaches, how about Mike Holmgren? While most believe he wants to take some time to enjoy retirement, Holgrem might get the itch to come back to the Midwest. He is excellent at mentoring young quarterbacks, which would be exponentially beneficial to Brody Croyle, Tyler Thigpen, or a potential young draft pick (if they choose to go that route….more on that in the coming weeks.)

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Candice Crawford is a Featured Author for Midwest Sports Fans and regularly provides her unique perspective into the sports world in her column “From the Sideline.” A native of Dallas, Texas, Candice will graduate from the University of Missouri in May of 2009 with a degree in journalism. You can email Candice with questions or comments about her “From the Sideline” features at candice@midwestsportsfans.com.

It seems that Simeon Rice is not too big a fan of former Tampa Bay Buccaneers coach Jon Gruden, who was recently fired and replaced by Raheem Morris.

“How I feel personally? I could tell you that, too. I think he’s a scumbag,” Rice said. “I think he’s a scumbag personally. That’s when he’s telling you one thing and… You know what he told me? ‘Simeon you’ll be here in the next five years.’ I got injured [and] this man’s never said one word to me. I won a Super Bowl for you. I got 13 sacks, 12, 15 every year for you. I balled. I got injured [and] you let me go like it was nothing.”

Wow. Players who have been cut holding grudges is nothing really new, but coming right out and calling the guy a scumbag is pretty surprising.

What do you think?

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

Hop over to PFT to read the rest of Simeon Rice’s comment. He goes on and on listing off players who had beef with Gruden for one reason or another, and describing situations that turned into “debacles” because of how Gruden handled them.

Simeon Rice had quite a football career. He shattered the previous Big Ten sack record of 36 by notching 44.5 sacks while at the University of Illinois. He was then picked 3rd in the 1996 NFL draft and was a highly productive player for the Cardinals and Buccaneers (helping Tampa Bay win the 2002 Super Bowl) before suffering a series of nagging injuries. He bounced around after being cut by the Bucs and developed a reputation of being a little bit of a malcontent.

As with anything, I’m sure that the truth lies somewhere in the middle. Jon Gruden obviously rubbed some people the wrong way during his Tampa Bay tenure, and I’m sure this won’t be last “scumbag” story that comes out. But Simeon Rice’s comments should probably be taken with at least a little bit of a grain of salt. No doubt there is some animosity there for the unceremonious way that Rice was jettisoned from the Bucs when his production deteriorated, but that’s the way it goes in the salary-cap era NFL.

Still, you have to wonder what the Golden Domers think of the myriad of negative pub that Jon Gruden has been getting recently. It is the worst-kept secret in sports — heck, it’s not even really a secret — that Notre Dome has long coveted Jon Gruden to someday restore the pride of Touchdown Jesus; and the feeling is mutual. But when when of your only public defenders is John Daly, well that has to say something doesn’t it?

One thing is for sure, somewhere Charlie Weis is smiling — and probably feeling just a little bit more secure in his job than he was about a week ago.

Jon Gruden was hit from his blindside Friday when the Glazer family gave him the pink slip as the head coach of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

It’s too early to determine what precipitated this stunning development, weeks after the conclusion of the regular season, although the fact that the Buccaneers faded drastically down the stretch and fumbled away a wild card berth they seemingly had in their grasp a few weeks earlier might have had something to do with it. But this has “power struggle” written all over it.

Also being shown the door was general manager Bruce Allen, the son of the legendary George Allen. Allen and Gruden worked together in Oakland and after Gruden was “traded” to Tampa Bay, he suggested to the Glazers that they hire Allen as the Bucs’ GM after the 2003 season.

Gruden won a Super Bowl during his first season at the helm in Tampa Bay and that made him the youngest coach ever to win the Super Bowl. Gruden’s Bucs beat his former team, the Raiders, in San Diego in that game.

What’s next for Gruden? Radio personalities and chat rooms in St. Louis are already clamoring for Rams GM Billy Devaney to inquire about Gruden as the team’s next head coach.

If Devaney were to pick up the phone and call up Gruden’s agent Bob LaMonte (who also happens to represent Steve Spagnuolo, a finalist in St. Louis), I have a hunch that Gruden and LaMonte might say, “Thanks, but no thanks.”

Why? I have two words for you.

Notre Dame.

If the Fighting Irish don’t improve drastically under Charlie Weis’ watch in 2009, you can bet Gruden’s name comes up as a candidate, so it makes sense for Gruden to take a year off. Gruden’s father Jim was an assistant coach under Dan Devine at Notre Dame in the 1970s and Jon Gruden is fond of his formative years spent in South Bend, Ind.

Gruden once told Playboy magazine in an 2003 interview: “I lost my virginity to the Notre Dame fight song,” he said. Playboy asked, “There was a band?” Gruden replied, “No, not even music. But it was in my mind.”

As for Gruden’s replacement in Tampa? The Glazer family must have someone in mind to make this drastic of a move this late in the game. Raheem Morris, only 32 years of age and recently elevated to defensive coordinator, is thought to be a rising star in the coaching ranks and could be tabbed to keep some continuity.

Another possibility is Mike Shanahan. Since Allen was also fired, the Bucs could also give Shanahan the final say in all football matters and allow him to bring in his own general manager or personnel man.