Barack Obama Names Ozzie Guillen as Vice President, Replacing Joe Biden
In shocking news this evening, President-Elect Barack Obama has made a Vice Presidential switch: Ozzie Guillen is in, Joe Biden is out.
Barack Obama’s love for the Chicago White Sox has been well documented, but so has his propensity for pragmatism. Not surprisingly, many people have been left scratching their heads at Obama’s decision.
“F*ck them,” said an ecstatic Ozzie Guillen. “F*ck all of them. I’m the Vice President now so you can kiss my ass from here to Afpakistan.”
According to a spokesman from the Obama transition team, who requested anonymity, both the President-Elect and certain advisers had grown increasingly wary of Joe Biden’s habit of putting his foot in his mouth. Cited as evidence was every time Joe Biden has opened his mouth in the last two years. Specifically, the Obama camp pointed to one instance in particular:
(Editor’s note: I know that video shouldn’t be that funny…but God love ya, it is!)
Barack Obama declined to speak with the media, but did issue the following statement regarding his new choice for Vice President:
Joe Biden is a great American and has served his country and my campaign with honor and integrity. I am eternally grateful to Joe Biden for not saying anything so egregious that it prevented me from getting elected. He tried, but luckily he was unsuccessful.
After speaking with my transition team, and watching old highlights of the 2005 World Series, I have determined that if we are going to have a loose cannon in the White Sox, we may as well have a champion. Ozzie Guillen is profane, he is homophobic, he has anger management issues, and he gets ten pounds heavier every year; so he actually has a lot in common with current Vice President Dick Cheney. What separates Ozzie Guillen from Dick Cheney, however, is that he is always honest and straightforward, his players love him, they play hard for him, and he gets the most out of what he’s got.
America needs someone she will play hard for, and who will push her to become the greatest nation she can be. Plus, when both Ozzie and Rahm Emmanuel need to talk with me about something, we will place them in a caged octogon and make them battle like rabid dogs until one of them is unconscious. Change truly has come to America.
Jay Mariotti was specifically not contacted for this story, but he sent repeated emails and left several voicemails begging for his voice to be heard on the subject. When asked why he was contacting Midwest Sports Fans, Mariotti flippantly retorted, “Because that’s how far I have fallen.” We have decided not to publish any more of Jay Mariotti’s remarks, all of which were disparaging about Ozzie Guillen and merely a manifestation of Mariotti’s suppressed man crush on the former White Sox manager.
According to the Obama campaign, the change is effective immediately.
[tags]barack obama, ozzie guillen, joe biden[/tags]
