Word broke this weekend that Around the Horn contributor (and Fanhouse blogger) Jay Mariotti was arrested on a domestic violence rap after an argument with this girlfriend turned heated and she ended up with scratches and bruises. Mariotti was released on a whopping $50,000 bail.

Unfortunate news, and it sounds like a bit more than a parking ticket.

I’ll be honest, I don’t read a lot of Mariotti’s work and he doesn’t seem to have a lot of respect in the sports journalism business. White Sox television voice Hawk Harrelson had it out with him a few years back and obviously Ozzie Guillen is not a great fan of Mariotti’s either. Famously, neither is Mariotti’s former colleague Roger Ebert. And they are but a few of the many who seem to share Gregg Doyel’s overwhelmingly negative opinion about “Jay the Joke“.

Unfortunately for ESPN, however, while Mariotti may be unique in the seemingly universal hatred that gets spewed in his direction, he is far from the first member of the Worldwide Leader to get himself into trouble.

One has to start questioning ESPN, which has sure seen enough of its talent land in trouble in recent years. With the army of thousands who work in Bristol, I have no idea if the percentage has reached Cincinnati Bengals levels yet; but here is a rather lengthy list of those who have landed in hot water or been pink-slipped because of something that happened while employed by ESPN:

Jason Whitlock

It was announced recently that the ever-edgy columnist had left his long-time gig with the Kansas City Star after an extended leave of absence.

Whitlock resigned from his online work at ESPN a few years back and later revealed that he was fired from the television side due to comments said to be made towards Mike Lupica and Scoop Jackson.

His Twitter feed says it all - ’Black people think I’m a sellout, white people think I’m racist, I think I’m too honest…’

Whitlock continues to write for Fanhouse as well as Fox Sports, and also does radio and fills in for Jim Rome on occasion, and I have a feeling he has more projects set for the future.

Steve Phillips

Was canned from ESPN last October after reports surfaced about an affair with he and a 22-year old production assistant, which also led to his divorce. It was said that Phillips also took a leave of absence from his GM job with the Mets in 1998, also due to sexual assault allegations. Phillips now does some work for New York radio as well as satellite video and still does commentary on 2KSports MLB video game titles.

Harold Reynolds

Was terminated from ESPN in 2006 following a sexual harassment charge, allegedly for giving a co-worker a hug. Reynolds wound up suing the network and the case was settled in 2008. Reynolds has since resurfaced on the MLB Network after stints with New York Mets television and TBS.

Rush Limbaugh

How ESPN did not see this ending in quick disaster is beyond me.

Rush is perhaps the most polarizing figure in talk-radio history, and has brought plenty of controversy along the way, along with one of the most lucrative contracts in the history of radio. The EIB Network is great for Clear Channel affiliates, with local stations surrounding their own personalities around his show. ‘This Guy on from 8 AM to Rush’ and ‘That Guy from Rush till 6 PM.’ Limbaugh is more than a show to those stations, he’s a time of day.

Describing himself as a life-long football fan, ESPN took a chance on his name recognition, adding him to the network’s Sunday NFL pre-game coverage in 2003. That experiment ended in flames after Week 4 when Limbaugh made comments about Donovan McNabb being defended by the media because, in their mind, they collectively wanted to see an African-American succeed as a quarterback. In that pre-Twitter era, it wasn’t until 48 hours later that Limbaugh became a hot-button topic and soon after forced to resign.

A bad move from the beginning, asking Limbaugh to refrain from getting on a political soapbox is like asking Tony Siragusa to go on a diet. And McNabb?? His career body of work I say is pretty good.

Sean Salisbury

He sure had a checkered career in Bristol. He clashed with the respected John Clayton, then there was that little something about sending cell phone pictures of his penis, and a slip of the tongue explaining Peyton’s Manning’s calm during the Colts comeback against the Patriots in the AFC Championship game a few years back.

Salisbury went on to work for a radio station in Dallas, where he was then canned – leading to a lawsuit by Salisbury in an attempt to clear up the ‘carelessness’ of media stories which he contends ruined his reputation. Salisbury was last seen doing commentary for the ‘Lingerie Football League’

Mike Tirico

Today, he’s one of the most visible figures at the network and one of the most respected announcers in all of sports. But in 1992 Tirico found himself in a world of hot water stemming from the aftermath of a company party. A 2000 book chronicling the ‘unauthorized history of ESPN’ noted ‘several’ instances of sexual harassment by Tirico. After that early-career suspension, it obviously appears that Tirico has cleaned up his off-mic life.

Adrian Karsten

A staple as a sideline reporter during college football telecasts through the 1990′s into the 2000′s, the Northwestern graduate seemed to have it all, but then faced federal charges for not reporting his taxes for two years. In addition to losing the ESPN job, the legal rap also cost him his marriage.

In 2005 Karsten was scheduled to report to federal prison but did not show up. He was later found dead in his home garage, having hung himself. Sad story. After a prison stint I thought he would have been able to re-surface in another platform, as he was a talented journalist.

Bob Griese

This one I blame on ESPN, which has gone a little overboard promoting NASCAR since acquiring the property in 2007. In its first year of coverage the network even went to the length of including Brent Musberger and Suzy Kolber on its coverage. As talented as the two are covering ball sports, they were clearly out of their element in NASCAR.

Which leads to the incident in which Bob Griese made an off-color comment towards driver Juan Pablo Montoya during one of the network’s frequent on-air promos during college football presentations.

There is no middle ground in NASCAR; one either follows the sport feverishly and knows what Denny Hamlin had for breakfast, or one has zero interest whatsoever. Very few casual viewers are going to be persuaded to NASCAR as they would be by a MNF or NBA promo. All this leads to awkward moments such as the PBP guy reading a script with the graphic noting that Jimmie Johnson has a 98 point lead over Tony Stewart and a 122 point lead over Jeff Gordon with five races to go, at which point the other commentators feel like they need to make some sort of comment to at least pretend they know at least something about the sport.

Griese’s infamous reference to Montoya and tacos earned him a one-week suspension. Ironically, Montoya announced on his Twitter feed a few weeks later that he had invited his pit crew for dinner and that they had ‘Mexican’. There – Bob Griese, vindicated.

Tony Kornheiser

One of the network’s most visible personalities over the years was suspended two weeks earlier this year for comments made about SportsCenter anchor Hannah Storm’s wardrobe while doing a local show in the DC market.

Dana Jacobson

The host of First Take found herself quickly in hot water for comments made during a celebrity roast for Mike Greenberg and Mike Golic, apparently with a few beverages in her. In a rant directed towards Golic’s alma mater, Jacobson said ‘(screw) Notre Dame’, ‘(screw) Touchdown Jesus’, and finally ‘(screw) Jesus’ himself.

Feel free to take shots at the Golden Dome, but curse Touchdown Jesus, Jesus Jones, or even Jesus himself at you own peril.

Danyelle Sargent

Remember the kid who was pressed into duty doing a sports segment on a Ball State student newscast a few years back, and made the famous ‘Boom Goes the Dynamite’  line? Well that was a flawless performance next to a couple of Danyelle’s greatest hits.

During a segment with ESPNews in 2006, Sargent (thinking she’s off-mic) yells ‘WHAT THE
(BLEEP) WAS THAT!?!’  during a highlights package. Broadcasting rule #1: always assume the mic’s live.

That would be enough YouTube infamy for one lifetime, but then came Sargent’s interview for FOX Sports with Mike Singletary moments before opening kickoff of his first game coaching the San Francisco 49ers. (This isn’t specifically ESPN-related, but is relevant nonetheless.)

Danyelle’s first question involved telling Singletary that she heard that one of the first people he called upon getting hired was his ‘mentor’ Bill Walsh. Only two problems with that: first, Singletary never worked for Walsh; and second, Danyelle never got the news flash that BW had passed on more than a year earlier. Too bad the team had already taken his initials off their helmets by then.

This is a prime example of networks looking more for eye candy than someone who actually has his/her research/facts straight.

Jemele Hill

An ESPN writer, Hill has crossed the line on a few occasions. There is nothing wrong with hating the Boston Celtics; however, saying that cheering for them would be like rooting for Hitler and also including a nuclear war reference a bit much though.

Another one of her columns last fall suggested that Green Bay Packers fans give Brett Favre the ‘Duracell Treatment’ (sorry, loss of season ticket privileges too heavy a price to throw a D Cell), and yet another likened John Calipari to Charles Manson.

Someone, quick! Stop her – before she goes too far and links Bill Belichick with Jeffrey Dahmer.

Michael Irvin

The controversies that followed Irvin off the field during his playing career continued while being a studio analyst at ESPN. Some off-color comments involving current Cowboys QB Tony Romo, as well as being pulled over with drug paraphernalia in his car, did not help neither. Each year, ESPN has an entire new batch of retired athletes (especially NFL) to audition and put on-air, which made parting ways with Irvin all that much easier.

Trev Alberts

He was actually a pretty good commentator for ESPN’s college football platforms from 2002-2004, but was let go for ‘breach of contract’ after deciding not to show up during the first weekend of the 2005 season. At issue was Alberts apparent dissatisfaction with being on the network’s ‘B’ team of commentators (Mark May/Rece Davis) rather than being in with the Chris Fowler/Kirk Herbstriet/Lee Corso action.

Post-ESPN, Alberts bounced around several assignments and is now the Athletic Director at the University of Nebraska-Omaha.

Jeremy Green

The son of coach Dennis Green was a contributing writer for ESPN’s Scouts Inc. before being arrested on several charges earlier this year, including possession of child porn and posession of narcotics and drug paraphernalia. The 38-year old Green was released on $750,000 and soon after a spokesman announced that Green was no longer affiliated with the company

And that’s just the best of the ESPN HR blotter. From what I hear there are many foot soldiers who get into trouble and are quietly let go behind the scenes and replaced by other foot soldiers. I wouldn’t be surprised if ESPN puts the mute button on Mariotti for good; there are plenty of outspoken reporters (and even bloggers) from throughout America to choose from.

Jerod Morris for Around the Horn?? OK, I’ll quit sucking up to the editor.

Although it is impossible to be a sports fan and completely boycott ESPN, this is why I personally tend to migrate towards other sources of sports media when possible, whether it be the Internet or other cable sports channels. Employees go off the wagon everywhere, but it seems more endemic in Bristol.

Count me among those who believe that ESPN far too often becomes the story, rather than a source reporting the story. It would be nice if they took a step back and reverted to the bread-and-butter simple love of sports that helped make the network iconic in the 1980′s and 1990′s.

Jay Mariotti, and his arrest, are the perfect symbol for how far ESPN has strayed from those humble, but much more endearing, beginnings.

In retrospect, I’m rather pleased I was removed from my daily blogging regimen during the week when sports – and certainly sports coverage – came dangerously close to jumping the shark.

Upon returning this morning, I was not planning on saying anything else about LeBron for awhile; but then I made a mistake, a big one: I stumbled upon a column by Jay Mariotti and, *gulp*, actually read it…at least the first two paragraphs anyway.

And after reading, I simply could not resist calling attention to one of the most ironic, laugh out loud hilarious examples I have ever seen of the pot calling the kettle black.

Jay Mariotti, yes Jay Mariotti, referred to LeBron James as a douche bag.

Here is the excerpt, in all its douchetastic glory:

LeBron had been hailed as an upstanding, gracious basketball ambassador who never found trouble and seemed much older than he was, right down to the deep wrinkles on his forehead.

Who ever thought that he would become a douche bag for the masses?

Pause with me for a second folks. Pause with me and re-read that sentence, considering both subject and author.

I can think of no greater manifestation for how far LeBron James’ reputation has fallen than being referred to as a douche bag by King Douche himself.

Sorry LeBron, but what I’m about to do, well, it simply has to be done.

So this morning – and this is *fight back smirk* very tough – but, this morning I am using my talents to award you 10 Mariottis on the Scales of Douche.

When one King crowns another, it is always cause for a celebration. And when Jay Mariotti refers to you as a douche bag, well, my hands are tied; the Scales of Douche are irrevocably tipped.

When I left for vacation last week, I never could have imagined a scenario that would cause me to write a post like this, but such is the Idiocracy of sports today.

LeBron James, The Chosen One, has now been anointed by Jay Mariotti, The Douchey One.

How does that make you feel LeBron?

Image Source: BrandonBlattner.com

Words escape me.

Luckily, Vince Lombardi summed it up on a cold day a long time ago:

What the hell indeed.

Well, The Scales of Douche received such a good response that just two weeks later I am back with a new edition.

This week, I consider changing the ranking scale from Mariottis to Tikibarbers, poke unnecessary fun at Adam Morrison and his not-so-magic mustache, and rip on a 300+ pound defensive tackle who could lather me with spicy mustard and eat me as a hors d’oeurve if he wanted to.

All right, let’s start calling out some douches.

Tiki Barber

We have to start with Tiki Barber. In fact, a New York Post article I just read a few minutes ago about Barber is what inspired me to bring back the Scales of Douche in the first place. Here is an excerpt:

Tiki Barber is claiming he’s broke and unable to pay the divorce settlement demanded by the mother of his four children after he was axed from the “Today” show.

That’s right folks, the former Giants RB who made millions playing football and then gobs more for talking about things he didn’t understand on NBC now says that he can’t afford to support his former wife and four kids…the same wife that he was cheating on while she was pregnant. Based on Barber’s previous public statements, this is just about the essence of hypocrisy – and hypocrisy always scores you extra Mariottis on The Scales of Douche.

The reality is that I don’t really need to belabor the point about why Tiki Barber is such a massive douche/turd/tool/loser. Everyone pretty much knows that already. And I’ve already written a post entitled “Tiki Barber is a Douche and a Tool” so I don’t want to be too redundant by saying the same thing over and over again when it’s the same thing I’ve already said because that would be redundant.

But think about it: this is a guy who is such a massive egomaniac that as soon as he retired from the NFL, his former team – at that point unburdened by the weight of his gigantic bald head – went out and won a Super Bowl by pulling off one of the great upsets in NFL history. Do you really think David Tyree makes that ridiculous catch if Tiki Barber was still around?

In the infamous words of John Boehner, hell no you can’t!

Tyree would have either lost the ball in the glare coming off of Tiki’s gargantuan bald dome or the Giants wouldn’t have even made it that far in the first place. It’s hard for 52 guys to compensate for a teammate’s overwhelming douchiness. (Just as the Washington Redskins as they try to do it now with Albert Haynesworth…but more on that in a minute.)

Anyway, I could write about Tiki Barber’s bumbling douchosity for hours, but what would be the point? He sucks, but a lot of people didn’t realize it when he left the NFL because he used big words in interviews. Well, no matter how great your vocabulary is, it can’t overcome douchiness that oozes out of every orifice of your body; in fact, it oftentimes enhances it.

It certainly has for Tiki Barber, who gets 10 Mariottis plus two extra credit Jumping Tikis.

———-

Albert Haynesworth

Let’s stay within the ranks of former football players as we readjust the Scales of Douche for the largest man to step on them yet: Redskins defensive crybaby Albert Haynesworth.

Wait, what?

Did I say “former football players”? But Albert Haynesworth hasn’t retired, has he?

Technically, no. But he might as well have because technically Haynesworth is under contract and has yet to report to Washington’s mandatory training camp, this despite the fact that they paid him a $21 million bonus this offseason – $21 million! – with the understanding that he’d, you know, show up for work.

Haynesworth, however, purportedly upset about the defensive system the Redskins will employ this year, has decided to pout like a whiny bitch and completely desert his teammates.

That’s right, while they are out sweating balls in the sweltering summer heat, Haynesworth is pretending he’s Brett Favre and missing training camp…except, of course, that Haynesworth doesn’t have a ridiculous consecutive games streak that has proven his toughness and commitment ten times over, a string of MVPs, a Super Bowl ring, a terrific 2009 season in his back pocket, or, you know, balls.

Oh, and then there is this, which you better damn well believe I am trotting out as we weigh all the evidence in assessing Haynesworth’s douchiness:

In the interests of making Haynesworth sound even worse, let’s put everything into proper perspective: while scores and scores of humble, hard-working Gulf Coast residents struggle to make ends meet – some with their livelihoods completely gone – because of an environmental disaster caused in large part by selfishness and greed, one of the highest paid men in NFL history – a man who gets paid to play a game and be famous for a living – took $21 million from his employer and now is bitching and refusing to show up for work out of selfishness and greed because his employer won’t kowtow to his every demand.

Albert Haynesworth, you are a massive, massive douche. Only my long-term personal distaste for Tiki Barber keeps you from ranking higher than him, but you definitely get the full 10 Mariottis.

———-

Adam Morrison

Let’s transition away from football and put a nice little bow on the NBA Finals. We’ve talked about what beating the Celtics means for the legacies of Kobe and Phil, but how about what it means for two-time NBA champion Adam Morrison?

Well, what it means is that Adam Morrison has won more NBA titles than Karl Malone, John Stockton, and Dominique Wilkins…combined. It means that he has won more titles that Dan Marino, Donovan McNabb, and the every single person in the city of Cleveland born after 1950. It means that Adam Morrison – yes, Adam Morrison – has done twice in basketball what the city of Chicago has done just once in baseball over the last 200 combined seasons.

You may be wondering, why am I not calling out Luke Walton? He’s ridden Kobe’s coattails to a few championships, is a goofy white guy, and has funny hair too. Why shouldn’t he step onto the Scales of Douche? Well perhaps he should, but at least Walton got some minutes. He contributed something.

Here is the sum total of Morrison’s NBA Finals contributions:

Hmm…the above seems to dispute the 2007 commercial below, which attempted to explain Morrison’s collegiate crying and presage his NBA stardom. Yeah, it’s pretty funny in retrospect:

And just for the record, here is an example of Morrison’s inability to compose himself like a man after losses during college:

Okay, okay…so that was just an excuse to get some Gus Johnson audio in here. But can you blame me?

Now that we’ve weighed the evidence of douche against Adam Morrison it is clear that he is not even in the same marriotisphere as Tiki Barber or Albert Haynesworth. Those guys are supreme douches whose douchiness actually hurts other people, whereas Morrison falls into the same general category as Bryce Harper’s eye black, which is pretty harmless when you consider just how much douchiness there is in the sports world.

Having more titles than all of the great names above while doing nothing to earn them but look goofy in a suit gets Morrison a couple of Mariottis, but giving me an excuse to play Gus Johnson gives him some much needed extra credit. Maybe I’m just overwhelmed by Tiki and Haynesworth at the moment, and perhaps Morrison just looks a lot better in comparison, but I’m only giving him one half of a Mariotti (the funny half with the mullet).

Thanks for joining me today for another edition of The Scales of Douche. Tune in next time where I buy bleacher tickets at Wrigley Field and get enough material in the first inning to write ten more of these articles.

**********

* – Tiki Barber jumping like a douche photo credit: Huffington Post

* – Albert Haynesworth doing something other than playing football photo credit: Fossie’s Bloglings

* – Adam Morrison photo credit: Wikimedia

As you know, I could probably type for days and days making derogatory comments about this North Sider, but I think in this case I’ll just let the visual evidence speak for itself.

Behold, one lovable loser and is lovably lame haircut:

Allow me, if you will, to direct your attention to a post from earlier this week that included a grading scale I believe is appropriate for this post.

10 Mariottis.

Actually, all kidding and Cubs hate aside, I do have to echo what was said over at Blogfines:

I can’t decide how I feel about this still, but I at least salute the boy for having the cojones to sport this hairdo.

I certainly have decided how I feel about it – the kid looks like an absolute fool – but that doesn’t mean I don’t admire him for it.

I’m sure that if some young White Sox fanatic carved a Sox logo into his head I would be trumpeting his greatness to all six of you who are reading this. So I must at least be somewhat consistent and give this Cubs fan some props for making a pretty definitive statement about his favorite team.

I just hope he shows up on the South Side during the Interleague series before his hair grows out…

As with the White Sox championship back in the Fall of ’05, the Blackhawks winning it all is extra special because of the prodigious cavern of time and seasons in between this title and the franchise’s last.

But that is how things go in Chicago. Teams win a title, then wait a long, long time before winning another. Case in point: the Bulls in ’94 and ’95. They went an entire two years without a 3-peat! It was truly a trying time for Chicagoans.

Okay…so maybe the Bulls are a bad example.

We all know who the big, pathetic elephant in the room is whenever someone mentions the words “Chicago” and “title drought” in the same sentence.

Now that the White Sox and Blackhawks have ended their droughts, the question is: will the Cubs be next? Or will another shorter Chicago sports drought end first?

Let’s analyze Chicago’s professional sports teams in order of shortest current title drought to longest and, on a scale of 1-10 Michael Jordans, assess their chances of being the next Chicago team to win it all.

Chicago Blackhawks

Current title drought: 12 hours

Why they’ll be next:

It’s hard to argue that the team that just won the Stanley Cup isn’t well positioned to do it again next year. This is a team with some young stars that obviously proved they were ready to make the step to champion this year. Why not next year too?

Why they’ll be last:

Defending a title is always more difficult than winning one (or so they say). We can’t just assume the Blackhawks will win it again next year or the year after that. This is a franchise that just went almost an entire half century without winning one remember.

And look at what happened to the White Sox after 2005. Everyone thought they were primed to repeat in ’06, they got off to a great start, and then BAM, reality set in. Their pitchers’ arms fell off in the second half of the season, the bottom fell out in ’07, and now just five years later the White Sox are on the verge of trading the last vestiges of ’05 – Mark Buehrle, AJ Pierzynski, Bobby Jenks, Paul Konerko – to rebuild.

Sorry to pee in your punchbowl there Blackhawks fans, but you never know what’s right around the corner for a franchise.

Final Verdict:

You have to like the Blackhawks as the closest Chicago team to its next title, especially since they are still gang-humping the Stanley Cup as we speak.

8 Michael Jordans

Chicago White Sox

Current title drought: 5 years (counting 2010, because let’s be honest, the White Sox are going nowhere this year)

Why they’ll be next:

Speaking of the White Sox, this probably isn’t the best time to be talking about the team’s World Series chances. A lot of us had high hopes coming into the season, but those have been dashed by 2+ terrible months of baseball in which the AL Central’s expected best starting rotation has sucked beyond belief.

With vets like Mark Buehrle and Paul Konerko aging and probably on their way out the door, plus a lot of money tied up in the pitiful Jake Peavy and resurgent though untrustworthy Alex Rios, plus the struggles of guys like Gordon Beckham, Carlos Quentin, and Gavin Floyd, plus a depleted Minor League system…well, things don’t exactly look all that bright on the South Side.

So let’s just skip to the next section. I can’t think of any compelling reason why the White Sox will be Chicago’s next champion, other than the randomness of baseball.

Why they’ll be last:

Read the previous section. Can you tell I’m not a real optimistic White Sox fan right now?

Final Verdict:

The White Sox have a lot of work to do to get themselves back into contention, but the reality of baseball is that if the White Sox veteran pitchers can return to form next year, if they can add a strong bat or two, and if Ozzie Guillen can push the right buttons to build some momentum, anything is possible. So while things don’t look that great right now, things can change and come out of nowhere in baseball.

And since Michael Jordan once played for the White Sox, I’m giving the Good Guys one extra MJ.

3 Michael Jordans

Chicago Bulls

Current title drought: 12 years

Why they’ll be next:

The Bulls have one of the NBA’s up-and-coming stars in point guard Derrick Rose, along with the kind of do-it-all glue guy in Joakim Noah that you need to win a title. Obviously they need more pieces, but they have a decent foundation started.

Why they’ll be last:

There is no telling what the recently announced decision to bring in the alliterative power of Tom Thibodeau’s defensive wizardry will mean. He has never been a head coach at the NBA level, and wasn’t that one of the criticisms of Vinny Del Negro? It’s possible that the Bulls may have hired a lemon and that they’ll continue to tread water in the Eastern Conference.

Final Verdict:

Some people think T.T. was brought in because it would help curry favor with LeBron James (the two share an agent). If so, and if the Bulls can snag LeBron, then they immediately vault to the front of the Chicago pack. Right now it is still too early to tell, so I have to take a middle-of-the-road view of the Bulls’ chances.

5 Michael Jordans

Chicago Bears

Current title drought: 25 years

Why they’ll be next:

The NFL, like MLB, is a league where quick turnarounds can happen, where teams can come out of nowhere to make surprise playoff runs. Bears fans must hope that is the case this year, because I don’t think many people are expecting a lot out of the Bears this year.

Still, they did add Julius Peppers and Chester Taylor (weakening conference foes in the process), they have a coach who has taken a team to a Super Bowl, and they have a quarterback who at least has the physical skills to be among the league’s elite. And in the absence of a historically dominant D, you aren’t winning a Super Bowl without an elite QB. If Cutler and Martz can mesh well, the Bears could surprise in a pretty wide open NFC.

Why they’ll be last:

Well, this season needs to go well. If it doesn’t, Lovie Smith will likely be gone (undoubtedly taking Mike Martz with him), confidence in Jay Cutler will be waning, and the entire direction of the franchise will be up in the air. Stability typically wins championships in the NFL. The Bears are holding onto it tenuously right now. A bad 2010 season, however, and it all gets “blowed up” (to quote Emmitt Smith), which could set the Bears back 3-5 years.

Final Verdict:

The thin ice the Bears are walking on, plus the chance of LeBron going to Chicago, means that the Bears have to be behind the Bulls. The fact that the White Sox at least have guys on their roster with World Series title winning experience, while the Bears have a QB in Cutler who has never won at any level, also means that I cannot in good conscience rank the Bears over the White Sox. I’ll call it a draw.

3 Michael Jordans

Chicago Cubs

Current title drought: 102 years

Why they’ll be next:

Because the Red Sox proved that miracles are possible and curses are made to be broken.

Because even a blind squirrel finds a nut every now and then.

Because the law of averages has to work out in their favor at some point, right?

Choose any trite, loosely related cliche you want to make yourselves feel better Cubs fans. Really. I won’t judge. I promise.

Why they’ll be last:

102 years of being losers is a difficult tradition to overcome. Sure, the White Sox did it, but that’s because the power of Steve Perry compelled us. Who the hell is going to supply enough karma to overcome the Cubs’ drought? Not even Culture Club could provide enough.

Final Verdict:

The Cubs organization is in about as poor a shape top to bottom as the White Sox. The sad thing is, both teams are in the top 10 in baseball in payroll. That’s not good. But at least the White Sox are hanging onto the final shards of a championship squad. The Cubs are hanging onto…what, exactly?

The rebuilding process will have to start soon, thus ending one era of losing on the North Side so that another can begin.

Sorry Cubs, but you don’t get measured in MJ’s. I can’t associate his image with so much losing. But your consolation prize is 10 Mariottis…plus, of course, another title-less season.

Yes, unfortunately for this poor girl, who sums up the experience of being a Cubs fan in the iconic image below, the Blackhawks’ victory last night simply means that the Cubs are now even further removed from a title than the rest of the franchises in the Windy City.

And, as usual, there is little hope on the horizon.

Congrats to the Blackhawks and their fans. Whose turn do you think it will be next?

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

Why? Well I’m glad you asked; because I’m a White Sox and Indiana basketball fan, that’s why. And if you don’t follow either of those two teams, let me sum up their performance over the last two years in one simple word: suck.

The unfortunate truth is that there really is nothing in my sports life to feel real positive about right now. Thus, the way I see it, why not spend some time cutting down other people to make myself feel better? (Isn’t that why one starts a sports blog in the first place?)

So, to make myself feel better, I am starting a new series today, which may or may not ever be repeated in the future. Using MSF’s own proprietary Scale of Douche, I am going to highlight extreme douchiness in the sports world and weigh it on a scale of Michael Jordan (zero douchiness) to Jay Mariotti (complete douchiness).

Stepping on the Scales of Douche today: Bryce Harper, Rickie Fowler, Tate Forcier, and someone else who you’ll undoubtedly think is deserving.

Bryce Harper

Let’s start with Harper, who has been in the headlines a lot recently.

The 17-year old hitting prodigy was taken 1st overall yesterday in the 2010 MLB draft by the Washington Nationals and is renowned as one of the best power hitting prospects…maybe ever. He’s already been on the cover of Sports Illustrated, has baseball’s most selective and powerful agent (Scott Boras) representing him, and skipped his final two years of high school to play JUCO ball and get a head start on his professional baseball career.

Sounds pretty awesome huh?

It is. But then there’s this:

Image credit: Greg Nelson, SI

Ever since I first saw a story about him on ESPN I’ve wondered what the F is up with the kid’s eye black. The guys on the local Dallas radio station were talking about it this morning and said it looked like his mother than given up halfway through trying to complete his KISS costume for Halloween.

Whatever it is, it looks ridiculous and I have a feeling it will stop pretty soon after he gets to the Minors and gets razzed about it or takes a fastball in the back. Guys who have been grinding in the Minors for 5-6 years probably won’t take too kindly to a 17-year old multi-millionaire who they know will undoubtedly be coddled and pushed through the Minors as quickly as possible.

As for the reports of Harper being a bit of a jerk? I couldn’t care less about that. He’s 17 and dealing with everything mentioned above. How would you have handled that at 17? Sure, he could very well be on his way to becoming some arrogant/angry cross between LeBron James and Barry Bonds, but having such an unusual childhood will create an unusual personality. And we should give him the benefit of the doubt until he’s at least 22-23. We were all idiots before then (and many of us still are).

But the eye black just has douche written all over it. For that alone, Harper gets three Mariottis.

Rickie Fowler

This young golfer is one of the “next big things” on the PGA Tour and is still just 20 years old. To give you an idea of his talent, he is the only freshman ever to be named the NCAA’s Player of the Year.

Unfortunately, to give you an idea of Fowler’s douchiness, one needs only navigate to his personal website. There, you will find gems like this on a page set aside for Fowler’s “Style”:

Rickie’s unique sense of style has brought a refreshing new look on to The Tour with his flare for mixing Puma’s golf clothing line with his always cool under pressure attitude.

The result is a look that has fans and the media wondering what he will wear each day on the course and leaving fans wondering how they can capture a part of this unique look.

Now look, I realize that Fowler probably never touches his website and that it’s all his parents, PR people, and manager who craft nonsense copy like what you read above, but that doesn’t change the fact that it comes across as supremely douchy.

I suppose the pre-packaging of athletes who have endorsement potential like Fowler is par for the course (forgive the pun) these days, but count me among those who isn’t a big fan.

Here is more douchetastic copy from Rickie-Fowler.com:

Edgy, non-traditional, yet completely low-key and approachable, Rickie is already well on his way in the world of professional golf. With his than life performances – and belt-buckles – Rickie Fowler is definitely someone to catch… if you can.

Ugh.

Edgy? Really? The guy plays professional golf dressed up like a creamsicle. What exactly is “edgy” about that? Tiger Woods banged porn stars while married. That’s edgy. Dressing up like Layla Kiffin circa 2009 is not edgy.

And is the belt buckle comment really necessary here? And what “larger than life” performances are they talking about? I must have missed those. (Remember, Sergio Garcia was supposed to be a badass too. Where are his “larger than life” performances?)

On the bright side, assuming Fowler has a long, successful, and compelling golf career, which he most likely will, Hollywood already has the actor lined up to play him: Zac Efron. Yeah…that alone has gotta be good for at least a half Mariotti.

Like Harper, Fowler is still really young, so he has time to turn this around. But right now, his turdly home page and ostentatiousness get him five Mariottis.

Tate Forcier

Next up we go to Ann Arbor, but we are not rating Rich Rodriguez in Mariottis on the Scale of Douche. (That would be too easy; hell, I might even have to change the scale to RichRodriguezes.) Rather, we are going to rate Rodriguez’s young QB Tate Forcier, whose up and down freshman season was a perfect microcosm of the struggles the Wolverines have faced over the last couple of years.

So what warrants placing Forcier on the Scales of Douche? This website and specifically this page, which has Forcier’s “media package” (second half of season!!!). And from what I can gather, by “media package” they mean “why Tate Forcier is the greatest high school quarterback ever…no really! 34 Official Offers!”

Among the revelations of Forcier’s media package are that “I currently lead the country with 34 Official offers, which I can substantiate with Official Letters, Coaches Emails and Phone Numbers.” (What he cannot do, apparently, is make proper use of capital letters.) The media package also essentially claims that “college coaches across the USA” lauded Forcier for everything short of inventing the question mark.

I could go on and on. Just go read it for yourself.

Again, the caveats: Forcier is a young kid; his parents probably had more to do with this than he did; he is clearly 1000X the quarterback I ever was (especially if you listen to “college coaches across America”)…but still, I’m not a big fan of people who create their own personal shrine to themselves. It’s exceedingly douchy and, thus, warrants some Marriotis.

By virtue of the fact that Forcier now attends Michigan and will undoubtedly be influenced by some of Rich Rodriguez’s supreme Powers of Douche, Forcier gets seven Mariottis.

Author of This Post

And now, since I am nothing if not self-aware and genuinely self-deprecating, allow me to turn the spotlight on myself. Let’s see here. Over the past hour I’ve…

• Spent time in Photoshop (though not much) with an image of Jay Mariotti
• Nitpicked one douchy thing about a kid so good at his sport that he left high school two years early.
• Ripped on a golfing prodigy for the egregious crimes of having a bad copywriter and wearing orange pants (yes, the color of the pants I’m actually wearing in this picture, if only it went down further. See? I’ll self disclose.).
• Criticized a pretty good freshman QB from a QB family for something that I’m sure what his parents’ idea and that…you know what? Forget this bullet. That website is complete douchiness no matter how you look at it.

So, for creating a blog post that essentially does nothing but rip on three kids who are much better athletes than I was in even my wildest dreams, whether they are deserving of the ripping or not, how many Mariottis do I get?

I’ll go with six.

Come on…that QBForce website is really lame. I can’t rate myself as more douchy than that without some real self-esteem problems.

Agree? Disagree? The comment section is free for douchecussion below.

**********

* – Rickie Fowler photo credit: GolfBlogger.co.uk

* – Tate Forcier photo credit: Getty Images via NY Post

But in the immortal words of Kevin Spacey’s Lester Burnham in American Beauty after Wes Bentley’s Ricky Fittz quit his catering job, I say this to The Big Lead’s Saturday editor Cousins of Ron Mexico: I think you just became my new personal hero.

The perfect headline and then a sublime excerpt:

Please, Fire Jay Mariotti — (Cousins of Ron Mexico at The Big Lead)

Basically, his columns are AOL’s new version of the Free Trial discs. They paid to have so many made and they have to get rid of them so they keep sending them out. They just keep handing them out, day after day, to a public that has no use for them.

And some other links for anyone who is taking a quick college football break to browse the blogosphere.

Sports:

• Derek Jeter owes Roy Halladay a no-hitter — (Josh Q. Public)
• 23 hours of Michael Jordan — (Pippen Aint Easy)
• Pam Ward Chronicles: Week 1 — (Awful Announcing)
• Lou Holtz plagiarizes Animaniac Wakko — (Hugging Harold Reynolds)
• Ricky Williams got engaged — (Deadspin)
• The dominant Big Ten: Ohio State beats Navy 31-27 | Iowa Beats Northern Iowa 17-16
• Good start for Lane Kiffin at UT — (ESPN)

Non-Sports:

• Some parents not happy about President Obama’s planned speech for school kids — (CNN)
• President Obama’s “Green Czar” drawing criticism for radical past — (Fox News)

 

 

• Penalty on Jay Cutler: Softening the opponent — (Jay Cutler Superstar)
• Rick Pitino is only hurting himself — (Sparty and Friends)
• Miguel Cabrera key to the Tigers winning the AL Central — (MoonDog)
• Jay Mariotti thinks lesbianism could bring a title to the North Side — (Not Qualified to Comment)
• Cubs officially waving white flag? — (Not Qualified to Comment)
• What’s in a name? D’Alcapone Alpacino Morris — (Cleveland Frowns)
• Which team will be the next 2008 Browns? — (Waiting For Next Year)
• Depressing for White Sox fans: You can’t stop Big Papi — (Josh Q. Public)
• Friday night slights: home hotels exacerbating extravagance — (Gregg Doyel)
• Derek Jeter and Minka Kelly…engaged? — (Busted Coverage)

Non-sports:

• 10 worst women drivers of all-time — (Hail Mary Jane)
• 10 most hated people at the gym — (Gunaxin)

(waiting…)

(waiting…)

Are you laughing yet? You should be. I’m not sure that there are two words that describe Jay Mariotti less than meticulous and humble. (And for the record, the picture to the left — courtesy of KVB’s brilliance — is both a picture of Jay Mariotti and an image of his most consistent source for information. Click here for more on this topic.)

Anyway, you may have heard that Jay Mariotti decided to write about the blogger-MSM debate yesterday on the BLOG that he now writes for: FanHouse. Predictably, Jay uses his column to spew his usual nonsensical venom at the usual suspects (bloggers, the Sun-Times) while either not realizing or not caring about the utter hypocricy and downright laughable irony of nearly every sentence in his post.

I made a promise a while back that I would never link to Jay’s work at FanHouse. However, after railing against MSM writers who discuss bloggers’ work but do not mention them by name nor link out to them, I cannot in good faith write a post about Jay without linking to the article. You see, I try my best not to be a hypocrite. So even though it breaks my solemn vow, I feel obligated to provide a link to a story that, while lame, has sparked conversation. So here it is.

Just kidding. Here is the actual link to Jay’s article.

Okay fine, for real…here is the link. Well done Jay. You must be inspired by all of the adoring comments.

Rather than point out all of the ridiculousness of Jay’s column myself, I will allow my friends in the sports blogging community to do it for me. They are probably much more eloquent and effective in doing so anyway. Plus, I have a vendetta against Jay Mariotti…a very strong personal dislike for his work and what he stands for. Let’s allow more objective folks to tackle Jay the Joke‘s latest column. (I encourage you to click over and view the posts in their entirety. All are good reads.)

The Curious Case of Jay Mariotti – Blogger Bashing is Bad Journalism — (Hugging Harold Reynolds)

Here lies the main crux of this column and why I feel so angry and perplexed by the whole issue in general. Like Rosenthal and Buzz before him, Mariotti implores bloggers to uphold the journalistic standards he implies they should have. In doing so, Mariotti is alluding to the idea that bloggers are, in fact, journalists and members of the media- these same individuals he taunts as “wreckless idiots” and stretchers of truth.

Let’s lay it on the table then. Jay, are you willing to accept and treat members of the new media as your peers, uphold them the same rights, encourage your contacts in leagues, news outlets and with teams to treat them equally and fairly as they would any old-school hack, and only then reserve judgment as to whether or not they meet your industry’s self-identified standards?

Mainstream Media Continues to Forget Previous Articles Written About Steroids — (Awful Announcing)

For some reason, mainstream media members continually forget the words they wrote, if not days ago, at least a few years ago. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, what is wrong with speculating? Sports as a whole is speculation, and whether it’s who used steroids?, or will Albert Pujols win the Triple Crown?….What’s the big deal?

…

It’s also funny to me that someone who has been taken for task about doing zero research by both clubs in Chicago, is calling out people for laziness.

Mariotti: Will Leitch Invented Blogging, Bad Journalism — (Can’t Stop the Bleeding)

However, much as I enjoy Jay Mariotti calling out Will Leitch two years after the fact, it goes beyond mere hyperbole to claim what even Will characterized as a huge gaffe, served as any sort of inspiration to Morris. The former threw leaked information (from a less than reputable source) into a public forum and watched the shit hit the fan. The latter engaged in what was meant to be a fairly reasoned analysis of Ibanez’ career trajectory and at no point directly accused the Phillies OF of anything other than getting off to an especially hot start. While Leitch received relatively little flack from the mainstream media or his blog bro’s at the time, Morris was fed to the wolves on national TV.

Creative Writing with Jay Mariotti: ‘Bad Journalism’ — (Alana G.)

I was warned by my “blogging buddies” that Jay Mariotti’s latest piece on FanHouse might make my eyes bleed. 1) It’s an attempted assassination of blogs (on a blog… can’t we stop this blog-on-blog violence please?) 2) It’s completely misguided and about three weeks too late, and 3) It’s 1,800 words long. Well, I’ll let the other buddies tackle points one and two, but below is your solution to the length problem. I’ve taken the liberty of editing Mariotti’s piece down to less than 300 words. All of the words are from Mariotti’s original piece, and they all appear in order. I’ve just cut out a lot of the fat in the middle. You’ll still get the gist: blogs, basements, steroids, desperate media… you know the story.

As far as I’m concerned, the most laughable aspect of Jay’s column is how he lambastes blogs and blogging, yet fails to acknowledge the fact that his current home was built by bloggers. Jay continues to live in his own world where there is no accountability for past statements he has made and seemingly no intent to produce anything other than mindless drivel. Kudos to him for finding a way to get paid for it, but how long before his marriage with FanHouse ends similarly to how his marriage with the Sun-Times ended?

Roger Ebert, his former colleague, said it best last August in an open letter entitled “Jay the Rat”:

…I started here when Marshall Field and Jim Hoge were running the paper. I stayed through the Rupert Murdoch regime. I was asked, “How can you work for a Murdoch paper?” My reply was: “It’s not his paper. It’s my paper. He only owns it.” That’s the way I’ve always felt about the Sun-Times, and I still do. On your way out, don’t let the door bang you on the ass.

Your former colleague,

Roger Ebert

First, on Friday, Midwest Sports Fans obliterated its previous high for visits in a day on Friday with just over 12,000. Today, we’re on pace for well over 5,000 visits. Huge thanks go out to Deadspin, MLB Trade Rumors, and everyone else who linked to us yesterday. Plus, I have to thank the great writers I’m fortunate enough to work with here at MSF for creating such good content. (Although, based on some of the comments, I have failed in my duties as editor. My apologies…sometimes I have to sacrifice meticulousness to get posts up in the middle of the busy workday. I’ll pay more attention from here on out…)

But, even as excited as the facts of the previous paragraph have made me, my excitement reached a whole new level when I checked out Pro Football Talk just a minute ago.

Apparently, well according to an Internet report (*gasp*) anyway, Jay Mariotti is…

…wait for it…

…wait for it…

…wait for it…

…aww hell, you already know: a douche bag.

That’s right, Mike Florio of Pro Football Talk has joined the chorus of sports fans, and pretty much every other human on Earth other than than Jay Mariotti’s mom, who thinks that Jay Mariotti is a douche bag. Here is an excerpt:

Now we’ve really seen it all.

Jay Mariotti is one of the more recent writers to jump from the slowly-but-surely sinking ship that is the newspaper industry. Mariotti now writes columns for FanHouse, which started as a fan-driven megablog that no one really read all that much and has evolved into a higher-quality operation..that we’re not really sure whether anyone reads.

So Mariotti, whom a lot of people regard as a douchebag, apparently has brought that douchebag newspaper guy attitude to the Internet.

You will have to head over to Pro Football Talk to read more, but suffice it to say that my sarcastic use of the phrase Internet report above was an homage to to Florio’s post about King Douche himself.

The other great part about Florio calling Mariotti out is that it gives me an excuse to post this photo again, taken from Jay Mariotti’s mom’s basement the day he started blogging for FanHouse:

Looks like I might have some competition now for Google searches on the phrase “Jay Mariotti douche bag.” Bring it on Florio. I can share the front page.

Nope, the misery inflicted upon the sports world today was actually worse than what the hypothetical sum of all of the aforementioned catastrophes combined. And you probably already know what I am talking: Jay Mariotti posted his first column at FanHouse.

I discussed this a few days back when Deadspin broke the news that Jay Mariotti had signed up to be a “columnist” at FanHouse. I had a little fun with Photoshop, sent out a bunch of tips so I would have other people to commiserate with, and mentally prepared myself for being part of a blogosphere that new includes Jay Mariotti.

And then I waited for the first vitriolic, back-stabbing, contradictory, and nonsensical article from America’s most hated sportswriter. And, as to be expected, Jay did not disappoint. Check out Deadspin’s summary of the first Jay Mariotti column at FanHouse, and feel free to follow the link they provide to view the column for yourself.

I refuse to link you to the Mariotti column, as it is my goal to never be the linking source for one referral to the new Mariotti blog. Ozzie Guillen and Hawk Harrelson would be proud of me for this; and while I realize that there are many people who view Ozzie and Hawk in the same light as Mariotti, I respectfully and strongly disagree. Perhaps my die-hard love for the Chicago White Sox clouds objective judgment, but that is the last caveat you will get from me. I don’t like Jay Mariotti, I never have, and I know that millions of sports fans across America (including and especially these guys) agree with me and that we all have very sound and rational reasons for our feelings about Jay Mariotti.

I almost feel like I’m wasting my time and your time writing any more about Jay Mariotti’s first column at FanHouse. So I will just leave you with an image that pretty sums up the reputation that Jay Mariotti has earned over his many years of being an incendiary and ridiculous clown of a sports writer.

The image above is a screen capture taken earlier today of the front page of BallHype. Anyone who frequents BallHype, as I do, knows that very rarely do posts get hyped down on BallHype. Typically, if someone dislikes or does not care about a post, it is just ignored. And as you can see from the vast majority of posts listed on the front page today, this trend held true.

Until, of course, you reached the BallHype entry for the first Jay Mariotti column at FanHouse.

Look at the way at the bottom of the image and you will notice an entry with a drop shadow behind it and a frightening picture of a smiling turd beside it. Then look at the stats: 20 hype-ups, and 8 hype-downs. 8! I do not recall ever seeing more than two hype-downs on a single post. Incredibly, I was actually surprised that Mariotti’s post had not received more hype-downs than it did.

Anyway, the weather is cold and gloomy here in Dallas, with near-freezing temperatures and frozen rain in the forecast for the evening. The meteorologists are blaming an “arctic front” or some BS like that. I blame Jay Mariotti.

Thank you for commiserating with me. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have an article to go hype-down.

(Update: Just checked a few hours after posting this and the BallHype entry about Jay Mariotti’s first FanHouse post is now at 10 hype-downs. Congratulations on your triumphant return to sports writing Jay!)

And apparently Jay Mariotti has already retreated to his mom’s basement in his underwear to write his first post for FanHouse:

(Photo Art by Midwest Sports Fans)

You may remember that back when Jay Mariotti resigned from the Chicago Sun-Times, I joined the chorus of sports fans basically telling Jay not let the door him in the ass on the way out of Chicago. Famed movie critic Roger Ebert actually said this specifically.

Our posts about Jay Mariotti provided me with the accomplishment that I take the most pride in during Midwest Sports Fans’ five months of existence: if you google “Jay Mariotti douche bag”, Midwest Sports Fans is the #1 hit. No matter what else we ever achieve here at MSF, it is quite possible that nothing will top that.

I have to run, but I do plan to add more to this post later. The irony of Jay Mariotti joining FanHouse and becoming a member of the blogging community to which I just recently joined, as well as the dread of Jay Mariotti having a national voice again, simply begs for more exposition.

Until then, take part in the poll and give us your thoughts on Jay Mariotti’s douchebaggery:

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

And I’m back.

In the specific interest of completely piling on Jay Mariotti, let’s take a look at some of the memorable blog posts that have been dedicated to Chicago’s worst ever sports writer.

First off, how about the official announcement from Chicago Sun-Times Editor in Chief Michael Cooke when Mariotti announced his resignation from the Sun-Times. The announcement includes this little gem, proving that Jay Mariotti had endeared himself to his former colleagues about as much as he did to sports fans nationwide:

We wish Jay well and will miss him — not personally, of course — but in the sense of noticing he is no longer here, at least for a few days.

Sounds they were really broken up about Jay’s departure.

And how about this amazing 2005 Jay Mariotti Year in Review, written by Eric Zorn of the Chicago Tribune. Here are a few of the highlights, taken verbatim from Mariotti’s column during the White Sox drive to the 2005 World Series title:

April 7th – (The Sox are) Winning Lucky. Groovy as Sox life seems right now, let me assure you that this is no formula for a division title.

April 23rd – Guillen is only confirming what his critics said: He’s too nuts, off the wall and out of control.

May 15th – (The Sox) have the sweetest rotation in the sport ….And while I’m not about to predict they’ll be the first local team in 187 collective seasons to win a World Series, they are built to last deep into September.

June 7th – I can safely say the Sox won’t win a World Series as long as (Jerry Reinsdorf) owns them.

June 24th – Guillen’s feistiness has a magical effect on the Sox.

June 30th – Williams insists the Sox don’t need major roster surgery, but I couldn’t disagree more.

August 17th – You might be under the influence of Hawk Harrelson, but for non-homers who analyze baseball at face value, the Sox are vulnerable because their attack lacks punch.

September 1st – Who is Geoff Blum, anyway?

September 18th – If there is any sense of mercy, the White Sox will be blacked out the rest of the season so a terminally cursed city needn’t witness The Mother of All Collapses.

September 20th – Other cities host the World Series. Chicago hosts Choke Job Theater.

September 27th – Just why are the Sox playing for October when they clearly don ‘ t belong there?

October 4th – I’ve been trying to tell out-of-towners that Guillen has been a terrific manager.

October 21st – They’ve won with the kind of smart, unselfish, high-character, pitching-and-defense charm that defies everything we’ve seen from baseball in recent seasons….The Sox are about pure baseball.

October 27th – What they did, thanks to the feisty leadership of Guillen and foresight of Williams, was write a new blueprint on how baseball might be played in the post-steroids era.

Is your head spinning yet from all of the contradictions? And from all of the horribly erroneous predictions and comments? And seriously, these few excerpts don’t even do the entire post justice. Here is the link again, go read it: Jay Mariotti 2005 Year in Review.

And how about Jay Mariotti on Chicago Bears head coach Lovie Smith? You guessed it. More blowharding and more contradictions. And once again we have Eric Zorn, my new personal hero, to thank for pointing it out:

All I know is, a man named Lovie cannot coach the world-famous Chicago Bears …Sun-Times columnist Jay Mariotti, Jan. 14, 2004

Lovie Smith, racking up Coach of the Year votes by the week…Sun-Time columnist Jay Mariotti, November 14, 2005

Honestly, I could probably do this all night long and never get bored. I realize that I have made some pretty strong statements and been proven wrong numerous times. However, unlike Dr. Douchebaggery himself, I usually point out my mistakes and take responsibility for them. Jay Mariotti simply stands in defiant opposition of any critics, wafting in the sweet (at least to him) smell of his putrid, gaseous hot air.

So, congratulations to FanHouse for bringing in Jay Mariotti. I’m sure he will draw a lot of traffic simply because of his name and fame, and his willingness to say anything at any time, without any hint of shame when his thoughts, predictions, and diatribes are proven to be horribly wrong or off base.

I wonder how the guys over at Jay the Joke feel about this?

Barack Obama’s love for the Chicago White Sox has been well documented, but so has his propensity for pragmatism. Not surprisingly, many people have been left scratching their heads at Obama’s decision.

“F*ck them,” said an ecstatic Ozzie Guillen. “F*ck all of them. I’m the Vice President now so you can kiss my ass from here to Afpakistan.”

According to a spokesman from the Obama transition team, who requested anonymity, both the President-Elect and certain advisers had grown increasingly wary of Joe Biden’s habit of putting his foot in his mouth. Cited as evidence was every time Joe Biden has opened his mouth in the last two years. Specifically, the Obama camp pointed to one instance in particular:

(Editor’s note: I know that video shouldn’t be that funny…but God love ya, it is!)

Barack Obama declined to speak with the media, but did issue the following statement regarding his new choice for Vice President:

Joe Biden is a great American and has served his country and my campaign with honor and integrity. I am eternally grateful to Joe Biden for not saying anything so egregious that it prevented me from getting elected. He tried, but luckily he was unsuccessful.

After speaking with my transition team, and watching old highlights of the 2005 World Series, I have determined that if we are going to have a loose cannon in the White Sox, we may as well have a champion. Ozzie Guillen is profane, he is homophobic, he has anger management issues, and he gets ten pounds heavier every year; so he actually has a lot in common with current Vice President Dick Cheney. What separates Ozzie Guillen from Dick Cheney, however, is that he is always honest and straightforward, his players love him, they play hard for him, and he gets the most out of what he’s got.

America needs someone she will play hard for, and who will push her to become the greatest nation she can be. Plus, when both Ozzie and Rahm Emmanuel need to talk with me about something, we will place them in a caged octogon and make them battle like rabid dogs until one of them is unconscious. Change truly has come to America.

Jay Mariotti was specifically not contacted for this story, but he sent repeated emails and left several voicemails begging for his voice to be heard on the subject. When asked why he was contacting Midwest Sports Fans, Mariotti flippantly retorted, “Because that’s how far I have fallen.” We have decided not to publish any more of Jay Mariotti’s remarks, all of which were disparaging about Ozzie Guillen and merely a manifestation of Mariotti’s suppressed man crush on the former White Sox manager.

According to the Obama campaign, the change is effective immediately.

[tags]barack obama, ozzie guillen, joe biden[/tags]

As I was writing my playoff scenario post this morning, and thinking about how poorly the White Sox have played in September, it got me thinking: is Jay Mariotti the reason?

You have to understand, I hate Jay Mariotti. He is the definition of a douche bag and I was ecstatic when he left the Sun-Times, so much so that I thought the city of Chicago should have thrown a parade in celebration of such a momentous occasion of civic good fortune. But did Jay Mariotti leave one last flaming bag of dog shit on the doorstep of U.S. Cellular Field before leaving the Windy City?

What the hell am I talking about? Well, look at the numbers:

The announcement of Jay Mariotti’s departure from the Sun-Times hit the Internet on August 27th. On that day, the White Sox went into their game against the Baltimore Orioles with a record of 76-56. We were in first place, feeling good, playing well, and looking like a team that could play deep into October. Later that evening, the White Sox were shellacked by the Baltimore Orioles 11-3. Carlos Quentin had been given a day off, but had not yet been lost for the season. Since August 27th, the White Sox are 10-18, have seen certain AL MVP Carlos Quentin be lost for the year as a result of a freak accident, have lost five in a row at the end of September to fall 1/2 game behind Minnesota, and have seen a once harmonious locker room turn into a high-anxiety, low chemistry place where belief, confidence, and cameraderie seem to dwindle by the day.

I wrote a post about this week being the determining factor as to whether or not I retire the Jim Thome Curse that I feel has plagued the White Sox since Thome’s arrival and the jettisoning of Aaron Rowand after the 2005 World Series title. But now that I delve deeper into the reasons for our September collapse, it is becoming more clear that The Curse of the Douche Bag may be the more nefarious culprit for our swoon. Jay Mariotti cursed Chicago sports on a daily basis for years as a Sun-Time columnist. Now that he is gone, it seems that he has continued to curse his most hated rival – Ozzie Guillen – with some sort of evil witchcraft that has left our South Siders reeling.

Well damnit White Sox, we cannot give King Douche Bag the satisfaction of being able to watch our season spiral down toilet in a depressing September flush. Mark Buehrle has the opportunity to step up today and provide a huge boost in the quest to end The Curse of the Douche Bag and the Jim Thome Curse. Somehow, despite our poor play in September, we still control our own destiny. We can win today, beat Detroit, and then get one more game against Minnesota at home to make the playoffs. It’s getting harder by the day, but I still believe.

The question is, do the White Sox? I think they do…and there is no way The Curse of the Douche Bag will keep us from playing October baseball.

Good riddance is the sentiment across the board from writers, bloggers, players, coaches, and front offices in good ole Chi-town. Like we need to keep running our mouths about one of the stupidest and egotistical writers in my lifetime. But I thought an article in the Sun-Times from his former colleagues was very interesting, if not just pure true journalism, which was something Jay made the Sun-TImes Sports section lack.

As Jay Mariotti walks away from his last newspaper job until he dies, his reasoning and attitude is the same old Jay that we know; idiotic, illogical, and somewhat back stabbing. It is funny to me reading quotes from the Sun-Times editor slamming Jay when they let that asshole write whatever he wanted without entering a clubhouse or locker room in almost two decades.

Do you smell that? The horrible stench of a weasel is finally gone after 17 years. And that stale newspaper ink smell is back, and well…..it never smelled so good. And I was a paper boy for five years.