But in the immortal words of Kevin Spacey’s Lester Burnham in American Beauty after Wes Bentley’s Ricky Fittz quit his catering job, I say this to The Big Lead’s Saturday editor Cousins of Ron Mexico: I think you just became my new personal hero.

The perfect headline and then a sublime excerpt:

Please, Fire Jay Mariotti — (Cousins of Ron Mexico at The Big Lead)

Basically, his columns are AOL’s new version of the Free Trial discs. They paid to have so many made and they have to get rid of them so they keep sending them out. They just keep handing them out, day after day, to a public that has no use for them.

And some other links for anyone who is taking a quick college football break to browse the blogosphere.

Sports:

• Derek Jeter owes Roy Halladay a no-hitter — (Josh Q. Public)
• 23 hours of Michael Jordan — (Pippen Aint Easy)
• Pam Ward Chronicles: Week 1 — (Awful Announcing)
• Lou Holtz plagiarizes Animaniac Wakko — (Hugging Harold Reynolds)
• Ricky Williams got engaged — (Deadspin)
• The dominant Big Ten: Ohio State beats Navy 31-27 | Iowa Beats Northern Iowa 17-16
• Good start for Lane Kiffin at UT — (ESPN)

Non-Sports:

• Some parents not happy about President Obama’s planned speech for school kids — (CNN)
• President Obama’s “Green Czar” drawing criticism for radical past — (Fox News)

 

 

• Penalty on Jay Cutler: Softening the opponent — (Jay Cutler Superstar)
• Rick Pitino is only hurting himself — (Sparty and Friends)
• Miguel Cabrera key to the Tigers winning the AL Central — (MoonDog)
• Jay Mariotti thinks lesbianism could bring a title to the North Side — (Not Qualified to Comment)
• Cubs officially waving white flag? — (Not Qualified to Comment)
• What’s in a name? D’Alcapone Alpacino Morris — (Cleveland Frowns)
• Which team will be the next 2008 Browns? — (Waiting For Next Year)
• Depressing for White Sox fans: You can’t stop Big Papi — (Josh Q. Public)
• Friday night slights: home hotels exacerbating extravagance — (Gregg Doyel)
• Derek Jeter and Minka Kelly…engaged? — (Busted Coverage)

Non-sports:

• 10 worst women drivers of all-time — (Hail Mary Jane)
• 10 most hated people at the gym — (Gunaxin)

(waiting…)

(waiting…)

Are you laughing yet? You should be. I’m not sure that there are two words that describe Jay Mariotti less than meticulous and humble. (And for the record, the picture to the left — courtesy of KVB’s brilliance — is both a picture of Jay Mariotti and an image of his most consistent source for information. Click here for more on this topic.)

Anyway, you may have heard that Jay Mariotti decided to write about the blogger-MSM debate yesterday on the BLOG that he now writes for: FanHouse. Predictably, Jay uses his column to spew his usual nonsensical venom at the usual suspects (bloggers, the Sun-Times) while either not realizing or not caring about the utter hypocricy and downright laughable irony of nearly every sentence in his post.

I made a promise a while back that I would never link to Jay’s work at FanHouse. However, after railing against MSM writers who discuss bloggers’ work but do not mention them by name nor link out to them, I cannot in good faith write a post about Jay without linking to the article. You see, I try my best not to be a hypocrite. So even though it breaks my solemn vow, I feel obligated to provide a link to a story that, while lame, has sparked conversation. So here it is.

Just kidding. Here is the actual link to Jay’s article.

Okay fine, for real…here is the link. Well done Jay. You must be inspired by all of the adoring comments.

Rather than point out all of the ridiculousness of Jay’s column myself, I will allow my friends in the sports blogging community to do it for me. They are probably much more eloquent and effective in doing so anyway. Plus, I have a vendetta against Jay Mariotti…a very strong personal dislike for his work and what he stands for. Let’s allow more objective folks to tackle Jay the Joke’s latest column. (I encourage you to click over and view the posts in their entirety. All are good reads.)

The Curious Case of Jay Mariotti – Blogger Bashing is Bad Journalism — (Hugging Harold Reynolds)

Here lies the main crux of this column and why I feel so angry and perplexed by the whole issue in general. Like Rosenthal and Buzz before him, Mariotti implores bloggers to uphold the journalistic standards he implies they should have. In doing so, Mariotti is alluding to the idea that bloggers are, in fact, journalists and members of the media- these same individuals he taunts as “wreckless idiots” and stretchers of truth.

Let’s lay it on the table then. Jay, are you willing to accept and treat members of the new media as your peers, uphold them the same rights, encourage your contacts in leagues, news outlets and with teams to treat them equally and fairly as they would any old-school hack, and only then reserve judgment as to whether or not they meet your industry’s self-identified standards?

Mainstream Media Continues to Forget Previous Articles Written About Steroids — (Awful Announcing)

For some reason, mainstream media members continually forget the words they wrote, if not days ago, at least a few years ago. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, what is wrong with speculating? Sports as a whole is speculation, and whether it’s who used steroids?, or will Albert Pujols win the Triple Crown?….What’s the big deal?

…

It’s also funny to me that someone who has been taken for task about doing zero research by both clubs in Chicago, is calling out people for laziness.

Mariotti: Will Leitch Invented Blogging, Bad Journalism — (Can’t Stop the Bleeding)

However, much as I enjoy Jay Mariotti calling out Will Leitch two years after the fact, it goes beyond mere hyperbole to claim what even Will characterized as a huge gaffe, served as any sort of inspiration to Morris. The former threw leaked information (from a less than reputable source) into a public forum and watched the shit hit the fan. The latter engaged in what was meant to be a fairly reasoned analysis of Ibanez’ career trajectory and at no point directly accused the Phillies OF of anything other than getting off to an especially hot start. While Leitch received relatively little flack from the mainstream media or his blog bro’s at the time, Morris was fed to the wolves on national TV.

Creative Writing with Jay Mariotti: ‘Bad Journalism’ — (Alana G.)

I was warned by my “blogging buddies” that Jay Mariotti’s latest piece on FanHouse might make my eyes bleed. 1) It’s an attempted assassination of blogs (on a blog… can’t we stop this blog-on-blog violence please?) 2) It’s completely misguided and about three weeks too late, and 3) It’s 1,800 words long. Well, I’ll let the other buddies tackle points one and two, but below is your solution to the length problem. I’ve taken the liberty of editing Mariotti’s piece down to less than 300 words. All of the words are from Mariotti’s original piece, and they all appear in order. I’ve just cut out a lot of the fat in the middle. You’ll still get the gist: blogs, basements, steroids, desperate media… you know the story.

As far as I’m concerned, the most laughable aspect of Jay’s column is how he lambastes blogs and blogging, yet fails to acknowledge the fact that his current home was built by bloggers. Jay continues to live in his own world where there is no accountability for past statements he has made and seemingly no intent to produce anything other than mindless drivel. Kudos to him for finding a way to get paid for it, but how long before his marriage with FanHouse ends similarly to how his marriage with the Sun-Times ended?

Roger Ebert, his former colleague, said it best last August in an open letter entitled “Jay the Rat”:

…I started here when Marshall Field and Jim Hoge were running the paper. I stayed through the Rupert Murdoch regime. I was asked, “How can you work for a Murdoch paper?” My reply was: “It’s not his paper. It’s my paper. He only owns it.” That’s the way I’ve always felt about the Sun-Times, and I still do. On your way out, don’t let the door bang you on the ass.

Your former colleague,

Roger Ebert

First, on Friday, Midwest Sports Fans obliterated its previous high for visits in a day on Friday with just over 12,000. Today, we’re on pace for well over 5,000 visits. Huge thanks go out to Deadspin, MLB Trade Rumors, and everyone else who linked to us yesterday. Plus, I have to thank the great writers I’m fortunate enough to work with here at MSF for creating such good content. (Although, based on some of the comments, I have failed in my duties as editor. My apologies…sometimes I have to sacrifice meticulousness to get posts up in the middle of the busy workday. I’ll pay more attention from here on out…)

But, even as excited as the facts of the previous paragraph have made me, my excitement reached a whole new level when I checked out Pro Football Talk just a minute ago.

Apparently, well according to an Internet report (*gasp*) anyway, Jay Mariotti is…

…wait for it…

…wait for it…

…wait for it…

…aww hell, you already know: a douche bag.

That’s right, Mike Florio of Pro Football Talk has joined the chorus of sports fans, and pretty much every other human on Earth other than than Jay Mariotti’s mom, who thinks that Jay Mariotti is a douche bag. Here is an excerpt:

Now we’ve really seen it all.

Jay Mariotti is one of the more recent writers to jump from the slowly-but-surely sinking ship that is the newspaper industry. Mariotti now writes columns for FanHouse, which started as a fan-driven megablog that no one really read all that much and has evolved into a higher-quality operation..that we’re not really sure whether anyone reads.

So Mariotti, whom a lot of people regard as a douchebag, apparently has brought that douchebag newspaper guy attitude to the Internet.

You will have to head over to Pro Football Talk to read more, but suffice it to say that my sarcastic use of the phrase Internet report above was an homage to to Florio’s post about King Douche himself.

The other great part about Florio calling Mariotti out is that it gives me an excuse to post this photo again, taken from Jay Mariotti’s mom’s basement the day he started blogging for FanHouse:

Looks like I might have some competition now for Google searches on the phrase “Jay Mariotti douche bag.” Bring it on Florio. I can share the front page.

Nope, the misery inflicted upon the sports world today was actually worse than what the hypothetical sum of all of the aforementioned catastrophes combined. And you probably already know what I am talking: Jay Mariotti posted his first column at FanHouse.

I discussed this a few days back when Deadspin broke the news that Jay Mariotti had signed up to be a “columnist” at FanHouse. I had a little fun with Photoshop, sent out a bunch of tips so I would have other people to commiserate with, and mentally prepared myself for being part of a blogosphere that new includes Jay Mariotti.

And then I waited for the first vitriolic, back-stabbing, contradictory, and nonsensical article from America’s most hated sportswriter. And, as to be expected, Jay did not disappoint. Check out Deadspin’s summary of the first Jay Mariotti column at FanHouse, and feel free to follow the link they provide to view the column for yourself.

I refuse to link you to the Mariotti column, as it is my goal to never be the linking source for one referral to the new Mariotti blog. Ozzie Guillen and Hawk Harrelson would be proud of me for this; and while I realize that there are many people who view Ozzie and Hawk in the same light as Mariotti, I respectfully and strongly disagree. Perhaps my die-hard love for the Chicago White Sox clouds objective judgment, but that is the last caveat you will get from me. I don’t like Jay Mariotti, I never have, and I know that millions of sports fans across America (including and especially these guys) agree with me and that we all have very sound and rational reasons for our feelings about Jay Mariotti.

I almost feel like I’m wasting my time and your time writing any more about Jay Mariotti’s first column at FanHouse. So I will just leave you with an image that pretty sums up the reputation that Jay Mariotti has earned over his many years of being an incendiary and ridiculous clown of a sports writer.

The image above is a screen capture taken earlier today of the front page of BallHype. Anyone who frequents BallHype, as I do, knows that very rarely do posts get hyped down on BallHype. Typically, if someone dislikes or does not care about a post, it is just ignored. And as you can see from the vast majority of posts listed on the front page today, this trend held true.

Until, of course, you reached the BallHype entry for the first Jay Mariotti column at FanHouse.

Look at the way at the bottom of the image and you will notice an entry with a drop shadow behind it and a frightening picture of a smiling turd beside it. Then look at the stats: 20 hype-ups, and 8 hype-downs. 8! I do not recall ever seeing more than two hype-downs on a single post. Incredibly, I was actually surprised that Mariotti’s post had not received more hype-downs than it did.

Anyway, the weather is cold and gloomy here in Dallas, with near-freezing temperatures and frozen rain in the forecast for the evening. The meteorologists are blaming an “arctic front” or some BS like that. I blame Jay Mariotti.

Thank you for commiserating with me. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have an article to go hype-down.

(Update: Just checked a few hours after posting this and the BallHype entry about Jay Mariotti’s first FanHouse post is now at 10 hype-downs. Congratulations on your triumphant return to sports writing Jay!)

And apparently Jay Mariotti has already retreated to his mom’s basement in his underwear to write his first post for FanHouse:

(Photo Art by Midwest Sports Fans)

You may remember that back when Jay Mariotti resigned from the Chicago Sun-Times, I joined the chorus of sports fans basically telling Jay not let the door him in the ass on the way out of Chicago. Famed movie critic Roger Ebert actually said this specifically.

Our posts about Jay Mariotti provided me with the accomplishment that I take the most pride in during Midwest Sports Fans’ five months of existence: if you google “Jay Mariotti douche bag”, Midwest Sports Fans is the #1 hit. No matter what else we ever achieve here at MSF, it is quite possible that nothing will top that.

I have to run, but I do plan to add more to this post later. The irony of Jay Mariotti joining FanHouse and becoming a member of the blogging community to which I just recently joined, as well as the dread of Jay Mariotti having a national voice again, simply begs for more exposition.

Until then, take part in the poll and give us your thoughts on Jay Mariotti’s douchebaggery:

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

And I’m back.

In the specific interest of completely piling on Jay Mariotti, let’s take a look at some of the memorable blog posts that have been dedicated to Chicago’s worst ever sports writer.

First off, how about the official announcement from Chicago Sun-Times Editor in Chief Michael Cooke when Mariotti announced his resignation from the Sun-Times. The announcement includes this little gem, proving that Jay Mariotti had endeared himself to his former colleagues about as much as he did to sports fans nationwide:

We wish Jay well and will miss him — not personally, of course — but in the sense of noticing he is no longer here, at least for a few days.

Sounds they were really broken up about Jay’s departure.

And how about this amazing 2005 Jay Mariotti Year in Review, written by Eric Zorn of the Chicago Tribune. Here are a few of the highlights, taken verbatim from Mariotti’s column during the White Sox drive to the 2005 World Series title:

April 7th – (The Sox are) Winning Lucky. Groovy as Sox life seems right now, let me assure you that this is no formula for a division title.

April 23rd – Guillen is only confirming what his critics said: He’s too nuts, off the wall and out of control.

May 15th – (The Sox) have the sweetest rotation in the sport ….And while I’m not about to predict they’ll be the first local team in 187 collective seasons to win a World Series, they are built to last deep into September.

June 7th – I can safely say the Sox won’t win a World Series as long as (Jerry Reinsdorf) owns them.

June 24th – Guillen’s feistiness has a magical effect on the Sox.

June 30th – Williams insists the Sox don’t need major roster surgery, but I couldn’t disagree more.

August 17th – You might be under the influence of Hawk Harrelson, but for non-homers who analyze baseball at face value, the Sox are vulnerable because their attack lacks punch.

September 1st – Who is Geoff Blum, anyway?

September 18th – If there is any sense of mercy, the White Sox will be blacked out the rest of the season so a terminally cursed city needn’t witness The Mother of All Collapses.

September 20th – Other cities host the World Series. Chicago hosts Choke Job Theater.

September 27th – Just why are the Sox playing for October when they clearly don ‘ t belong there?

October 4th – I’ve been trying to tell out-of-towners that Guillen has been a terrific manager.

October 21st – They’ve won with the kind of smart, unselfish, high-character, pitching-and-defense charm that defies everything we’ve seen from baseball in recent seasons….The Sox are about pure baseball.

October 27th – What they did, thanks to the feisty leadership of Guillen and foresight of Williams, was write a new blueprint on how baseball might be played in the post-steroids era.

Is your head spinning yet from all of the contradictions? And from all of the horribly erroneous predictions and comments? And seriously, these few excerpts don’t even do the entire post justice. Here is the link again, go read it: Jay Mariotti 2005 Year in Review.

And how about Jay Mariotti on Chicago Bears head coach Lovie Smith? You guessed it. More blowharding and more contradictions. And once again we have Eric Zorn, my new personal hero, to thank for pointing it out:

All I know is, a man named Lovie cannot coach the world-famous Chicago Bears …Sun-Times columnist Jay Mariotti, Jan. 14, 2004

Lovie Smith, racking up Coach of the Year votes by the week…Sun-Time columnist Jay Mariotti, November 14, 2005

Honestly, I could probably do this all night long and never get bored. I realize that I have made some pretty strong statements and been proven wrong numerous times. However, unlike Dr. Douchebaggery himself, I usually point out my mistakes and take responsibility for them. Jay Mariotti simply stands in defiant opposition of any critics, wafting in the sweet (at least to him) smell of his putrid, gaseous hot air.

So, congratulations to FanHouse for bringing in Jay Mariotti. I’m sure he will draw a lot of traffic simply because of his name and fame, and his willingness to say anything at any time, without any hint of shame when his thoughts, predictions, and diatribes are proven to be horribly wrong or off base.

I wonder how the guys over at Jay the Joke feel about this?

Barack Obama’s love for the Chicago White Sox has been well documented, but so has his propensity for pragmatism. Not surprisingly, many people have been left scratching their heads at Obama’s decision.

“F*ck them,” said an ecstatic Ozzie Guillen. “F*ck all of them. I’m the Vice President now so you can kiss my ass from here to Afpakistan.”

According to a spokesman from the Obama transition team, who requested anonymity, both the President-Elect and certain advisers had grown increasingly wary of Joe Biden’s habit of putting his foot in his mouth. Cited as evidence was every time Joe Biden has opened his mouth in the last two years. Specifically, the Obama camp pointed to one instance in particular:

(Editor’s note: I know that video shouldn’t be that funny…but God love ya, it is!)

Barack Obama declined to speak with the media, but did issue the following statement regarding his new choice for Vice President:

Joe Biden is a great American and has served his country and my campaign with honor and integrity. I am eternally grateful to Joe Biden for not saying anything so egregious that it prevented me from getting elected. He tried, but luckily he was unsuccessful.

After speaking with my transition team, and watching old highlights of the 2005 World Series, I have determined that if we are going to have a loose cannon in the White Sox, we may as well have a champion. Ozzie Guillen is profane, he is homophobic, he has anger management issues, and he gets ten pounds heavier every year; so he actually has a lot in common with current Vice President Dick Cheney. What separates Ozzie Guillen from Dick Cheney, however, is that he is always honest and straightforward, his players love him, they play hard for him, and he gets the most out of what he’s got.

America needs someone she will play hard for, and who will push her to become the greatest nation she can be. Plus, when both Ozzie and Rahm Emmanuel need to talk with me about something, we will place them in a caged octogon and make them battle like rabid dogs until one of them is unconscious. Change truly has come to America.

Jay Mariotti was specifically not contacted for this story, but he sent repeated emails and left several voicemails begging for his voice to be heard on the subject. When asked why he was contacting Midwest Sports Fans, Mariotti flippantly retorted, “Because that’s how far I have fallen.” We have decided not to publish any more of Jay Mariotti’s remarks, all of which were disparaging about Ozzie Guillen and merely a manifestation of Mariotti’s suppressed man crush on the former White Sox manager.

According to the Obama campaign, the change is effective immediately.

[tags]barack obama, ozzie guillen, joe biden[/tags]

As I was writing my playoff scenario post this morning, and thinking about how poorly the White Sox have played in September, it got me thinking: is Jay Mariotti the reason?

You have to understand, I hate Jay Mariotti. He is the definition of a douche bag and I was ecstatic when he left the Sun-Times, so much so that I thought the city of Chicago should have thrown a parade in celebration of such a momentous occasion of civic good fortune. But did Jay Mariotti leave one last flaming bag of dog shit on the doorstep of U.S. Cellular Field before leaving the Windy City?

What the hell am I talking about? Well, look at the numbers:

The announcement of Jay Mariotti’s departure from the Sun-Times hit the Internet on August 27th. On that day, the White Sox went into their game against the Baltimore Orioles with a record of 76-56. We were in first place, feeling good, playing well, and looking like a team that could play deep into October. Later that evening, the White Sox were shellacked by the Baltimore Orioles 11-3. Carlos Quentin had been given a day off, but had not yet been lost for the season. Since August 27th, the White Sox are 10-18, have seen certain AL MVP Carlos Quentin be lost for the year as a result of a freak accident, have lost five in a row at the end of September to fall 1/2 game behind Minnesota, and have seen a once harmonious locker room turn into a high-anxiety, low chemistry place where belief, confidence, and cameraderie seem to dwindle by the day.

I wrote a post about this week being the determining factor as to whether or not I retire the Jim Thome Curse that I feel has plagued the White Sox since Thome’s arrival and the jettisoning of Aaron Rowand after the 2005 World Series title. But now that I delve deeper into the reasons for our September collapse, it is becoming more clear that The Curse of the Douche Bag may be the more nefarious culprit for our swoon. Jay Mariotti cursed Chicago sports on a daily basis for years as a Sun-Time columnist. Now that he is gone, it seems that he has continued to curse his most hated rival – Ozzie Guillen – with some sort of evil witchcraft that has left our South Siders reeling.

Well damnit White Sox, we cannot give King Douche Bag the satisfaction of being able to watch our season spiral down toilet in a depressing September flush. Mark Buehrle has the opportunity to step up today and provide a huge boost in the quest to end The Curse of the Douche Bag and the Jim Thome Curse. Somehow, despite our poor play in September, we still control our own destiny. We can win today, beat Detroit, and then get one more game against Minnesota at home to make the playoffs. It’s getting harder by the day, but I still believe.

The question is, do the White Sox? I think they do…and there is no way The Curse of the Douche Bag will keep us from playing October baseball.

Good riddance is the sentiment across the board from writers, bloggers, players, coaches, and front offices in good ole Chi-town. Like we need to keep running our mouths about one of the stupidest and egotistical writers in my lifetime. But I thought an article in the Sun-Times from his former colleagues was very interesting, if not just pure true journalism, which was something Jay made the Sun-TImes Sports section lack.

As Jay Mariotti walks away from his last newspaper job until he dies, his reasoning and attitude is the same old Jay that we know; idiotic, illogical, and somewhat back stabbing. It is funny to me reading quotes from the Sun-Times editor slamming Jay when they let that asshole write whatever he wanted without entering a clubhouse or locker room in almost two decades.

Do you smell that? The horrible stench of a weasel is finally gone after 17 years. And that stale newspaper ink smell is back, and well…..it never smelled so good. And I was a paper boy for five years.

Chicago Celebrates Resignation of Jay Mariotti

The city of Chicago has announced that it will hold a parade in celebration of Jay Mariotti’s departure from the Chicago Sun-Times. Parade sponsors include the White Sox, Cubs, Bulls, Bears, and all citizens of Chicago.

Chicago, IL – Word broke late last night that notorious Chicago sportswriter Jay Mariotti, a future first ballot inductee into the Turd Hall of Shame, was resigning from his post as Sports Blowhard at the Chicago Sun-Times. Unfortunately Jay the Joke, as he is often referred, made no mention of giving up his seat at the Roundtable of Nonsense otherwise known as ESPN’s Around the Horn.

According to longtime Chicago sports fan Jevin Morriline, today’s announcement was “an act of divine intervention proving the unyielding benevolence of God.” It appears as if Morriline is not alone in sharing such a feeling

The city of Chicago, led by Mayor Ozzie Guillen and Secretary of Ducksnort Ken “Hawk” Harrelson, have announced that plans are being developed for a city-wide parade to celebrate the departure of Jay Mariotti.

The proposed route for the parade would begin at U.S. Cellular Field and end a few blocks North of City Hall. It is the same route the 2005 Chicago White Sox went on when they won a World Series that Jay Mariotti never thought was possible.

The following is an official statement made by Mayor Ozzie Guillen and released to Midwest Sports Fans this afternoon:

“F&%k Yay Mariotti. Yay is a piece of $h!t and a idiot and the whole f&%king city of Chee-cago is happy to f&%king see that motherf&%ker go.”

Hawk Harrelson could not be reached for comment. However, sources close to the batting glove inventor and long-time admirer of Ted Williams, Rusty Greer, and George Brett claim that Hawk spent most of the day skipping around the basepaths at U.S. Cellular field shouting “He Gone” to a joyous, melodic beat.

The reasons for Mariotti’s departure are unknown. Some have speculated that he was afraid of walking out of his house and his very rational fear finally got to him.

According to one source, Mariotti had been having a recurring nightmare in which he walked out of his house to leave for work and was jumped by Ozzie Guillen, Lou Piniella, Jerry Reinsdorf and pretty much every other Chicago sports figure of the past two decades, all of whom have felt the wrath of Jay Mariotti’s putrid drivel that was passed along by the Sun-Times as sportswriting.

There are others who believe that Mariotti’s father had a large hand in his decision. Theologians agree that a Cubs victory in the World Series, shockingly a realistic possibility if Rich Harden can somehow stay healthy, would bring about the Apocalypse. At such a point in time, Satan will return to Earth for his favorite son. However, Satan refuses to be only the second most hated being walking among humanity.

According to sources close to the douchebag, Jay Mariotti was pressured by Satan to perform an act that would “bring great joy to the world at large.” The thought was that this would reduce the intense level of hatred projected upon Mariotti from sports fans everywhere.

Rather than do something good for someone else, however, Mariotti’s solution was to shine the limelight on himself one more time and resign on the even of a slow news day so that all of the attention would be on him; but despite this inherent selfishness, Jay Mariotti did succeed in bringing joy to all of mankind.

“Even I wanted to kick his ass sometimes,” said Mahatma Gandhi. “Heaven help whatever city he terrorizes next. Perhaps he will just go away forever.”

That, unfortunately, is not likely. The reason given by Jay Mariotti for his resignation, according to an article in the Chicago Tribune and first noticed by Midwest Sports Fans on Deadspin.com, is that sports journalism is much more focused on the web as opposed to hardcopy newspapers. Mariotti claims that he is now “talking with a lot of Web sites.” It is unclear if the Web sites say anything back or if Jay Mariotti’s computer just sits there silently wishing he would shut up like the rest of us do.

As Jevin Morriline said, “Leave it to Jay Marrioti to claim that he can communicate with Web sites. That pompous son of a Lupica probably thinks he can communicate with animals and Woody Paige also.”

Ozzie Guillen and Hawk Harrelson reportedly will announce final plans for the Jay Mariotti – He Gone! Parade before the weekend.

[UPDATE: According to official White Sox source, Ozzie Guillen laughed at the notion of a parade for Jay Mariotti upon reading this press release. He then proceeded to leave tonight’s game against Baltimore to seek out the writer of this completely fabricated story to kick his ass for making up quotes.]

White Sox fans everywhere…rejoice! Jay Mariotti aka Jay The Joke is leaving the Chicago Sun-Times and making the Chicago sports media infinitely more respected and competent in the process. This is truly a case of addition by subtraction.

I’m at work and can’t expound too much right now (though I will later).

Head over to Deadspin.com for more information on Jay Mariotti’s resignation right now. Then come back later for a Midwest Sports Fans “tribute” to the man whose ass Ozzie Guillen would like to kick into submission, and who all White Sox fans pretty much consider a worthless, petty, egotistical, blow-hard.

While you’re here, take a quick trip down memory lane:

Ozzie Guillen is the man…and hates Jay Mariotti. Exact words from Ozzie: “He’s a piece of shit.” Amen!

Hawk Harrelson is also the man…and hates Jay Mariotti. Exact words from Hawk: “About baseball he’s a frieking moron. Who hires people who don’t a damn thing what they’re writing or talking about?”

All I have to say is, good riddance Jay. Thank you for making Chicago a better sports city by leaving. Now when will you do all of America a favor and quit Around the Horn?

Stumbled across this video while doing some random YouTube surfing today. I love Hawk and DJ. If I didn’t legitimately wish that I’d thought of this first, I’d make fun of whoever did this for having too much time on their hands.

And while we’re on the subject of Hawk, YouTube, and complete idiots (well, we weren’t on that subject…but I’m currently watching ESPN, which reminded me of Around the Horn, which reminded me of Jay Mariotti, which immediately brought the term “idiot”, among many other derogatory terms, to the forefront of my thoughts)…well, just listen to Hawk. He’s the Gza.