Expected #1 draft pick Andrew Luck capped off a terrific regular season Saturday night by leading his Stanford Cardinal to a victory over the hated Notre Dame Fighting Irish. In the process, Luck went 20-30 for 233 yards and 4 TDs. He did toss one pick, but overall it was a solid, steady performance from the man who just may end up being Peyton Manning’s replacement in Indianapolis.

But today, the phrase “suck for Luck” has nothing to do with a certain NFL team losing game after game and positioning themselves for the #1 pick. Rather, it has to do with the Nike Pro Combat unis that Stanford wore Saturday night.

Which sucked.

Photo credit: AP Photo/Paul Sakuma via ESPN.com

I’ve seen some bad version of the Nike Pro Combat unis (Georgia’s immediately come to mind), but these may the worst. Black helmets? Black numbers? For Stanford? I suppose the jersey itself isn’t bad, but nothing about it says Stanford. And, um, isn’t that what jerseys are supposed to do?

I have a solution.

We need to get this guy on the case:

Seriously, can you imagine the indignation if this bro had seen that Stanford-Notre Dame game? He’d have downed the entire bottle of 1800 by halftime because of those uniforms.

Whatever happened to men, Michael Imperibroli? Nike. And it’s Pro Combat Uniforms. That’s what.

Now drink up while I break down the NFL’s top/bottom 10 in the race to draft Matt Barkley or Robert Griffin (if they go pro) since the race to draft Luck is pretty much done.

NFL Suck For Luck Power Rankings: Week 13

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1. Indianapolis Colts (0-11)

Breaking news: the Colts lost again.

Here is their remaining schedule. You tell me where a win might come from: at New England, at Baltimore, vs Tennessee, vs Houston, at Jacksonville.

• They sure as hell aren’t beating New England or Baltimore. In fact, they might lose by a combined 100 points.
• I suppose they could beat Tennessee, but the Titans should still be alive in AFC South race then.
• Houston at home is a possibility depending on their QB situation, and if they have the AFC South clinched, but I think the Texans could win just direct snapping it to Arian Foster.
• Week 17 at Jacksonville is a possibility because any team quarterbacked by Blaine Gabbert could lose to any team quarterbacked by anyone else – even you, dear reader.

So, with nothing else really to say about this sorry sack of a Manning-less team, here is a picture of Curtis Painter doing one of the few things he does better than Peyton Manning: carrying laundry.

Photo credit: USA Today

2. St. Louis Rams (2-9)

That’s it. I’m done with the Rams. And they still have to play San Francisco twice! If you own Steven Jackson in fantasy, trade him. Trade him now.

3. San Diego Chargers (4-7)

A bunch of the other craptastic teams won this weekend, so we’ll bump the sorry Chargers all the way up to #3. When you start out 4-1 then lose six straight games, each in excruciating fashion, you get rewards like this.

It’s safe to say that the Norv Turner Era will soon be ending in San Diego, and all 16 of their die-hard fans must be thrilled with that news.

In honor of the Chargers’ rapid ascent up these Suck For Luck Power Rankings, here is the most disturbing image of Philip Rivers on the first page of a Google Image search for his name:

Image source: Pyromaniac

Ah, what the hell. Here’s another one:

Image source: Pyromaniac

My apologies in advance for any nightmares you have tonight.

4. Carolina Panthers (3-8)

Let’s not carried away with excitement here. You beat Indianapolis, and you allowed them to score 19 points. And congrats on running all over them, but everyone does that.

5. Cleveland Browns (4-7)

The Browns jumped out to an early lead over the Bengals, only to give it away to the clear #1 football team in the state of Ohio (since Ohio State is down this year).

But hey, at least Peyton Hillis was back! Maybe now he can start to recapture the magic of 2010. Assuming, of course, that he doesn’t get anymore sore throats or have any more shotgun weddings.

6. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-7)

The Bucs have now lost five in a row, and they actually make the Colts looks suffocating against the run. Chris Johnson hasn’t been able to juke a brown paper sack this year, yet he racked up 190 yards against the Bucs on Sunday.

The only question for this team now, with the playoffs clearly out of the question, is does Raheem Morris make it to next year? If the Bucs want to have any hope of not squandering the talent they’ve accumulated, I say the answer is no. We’ll see.

7. Philadelphia Eagles (4-7)

Yes, I think the Vikings and Dolphins, among others, would beat the Eagles right now. That is how bad this team is playing. Their coaches are yelling at eachother on the sidelines, Desean Jackson isn’t blatantly short-arming catch attempts, and good players are getting injured one right after another.

Side note: when Andy Reid gets his walking papers at the end of the year, and it’s becoming likely that he will, some team looking for a head coach (hello Dolphins!) better snatch him up quickly. I’ll agree that perhaps it’s time for a parting of the ways in Philly. Sometimes that happens, even to good coaches. Sometimes change is needed. But it doesn’t mean Reid is no longer a good, perhaps even great, NFL coach. I don’t think he’d stay unemployed for long.

Now, apropos of absolutely nothing, here is a video of a hippo releasing a little pressure after a second helping of Thanksgiving dinner.

8. Minnesota Vikings (2-9)

Yes, the Vikings have now replaced the Rams as the team I irrationally support despite their record. But seriously, the Vikings have played decent football in hanging tough at Atlanta without Adrian Peterson and almost coming back to beat Oakland. Can you honestly tell me you don’t think Minnesota could beat the seven teams above them on this list?

9. Seattle Seahawks (4-7)

You lose at home to Rex Grossman and the Redskins, you make this list. It’s as simple as that.

10. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-8)

Frankly, I kind of forgot about the Jaguars. Had I remembered them, I probably would have placed them in the 4-6 range because Blaine Gabbert sucks so much. But out of deference to the great Maurice Jones-Drew, who continues to play hard and churn out tons of yards in losing efforts, I’m going to keep the Jags here.

Seriously though, watch Gabbert in the pocket anytime anyone gets near him. He freezes up and braces for contact instead of standing in there like a man and delivering a throw (which I obviously would do if I were a professional football player). I wonder what Michael Imperioli would have to say about that after a few shots of 1800 tequila.

Honorable mention: Kansas City Chiefs (4-7), Washington Redskins (4-7), Arizona Cardinals (4-7), Buffalo Bills (5-6).

Honestly, all four of those teams deserved mention. There is a pretty clear line between the top 18 teams in the NFL and the bottom 14. So congrats to everyone who made this list! You officially suck.

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