Instead, let’s talk about the best Super Bowls that never happened.

Talking hypothetical is one of my favorite things to do because there is really no right or wrong answer, because we don’t and will never know. What would have happened if Mark Brunell won a Super Bowl? Would there have been a belief that left-handed quarterbacks were the future of football?

I could have even gone the route of writing hypothetical Super Bowls between the Seattle Seahawks and the Saskatchewan Rough Riders, because I’m sure in some alternate universe (like after hypothetical Super Bowl XVII) that it could have happened.

Rather than getting all crazy and doing that, let’s just stick with teams that actually qualified for the playoffs during the year of said Super Bowl. It’s a lot easier that way.

1. Super Bowl X – Minnesota Vikings vs. Pittsburgh Steelers

Drew Pearson pushed off (go to the 2:00 mark). I don’t know how anyone can say he didn’t. The first Hail Mary was a fraud people. It’s about time we finally admitted it. The Vikings went 12-2 in 1975, were the top seed in the NFC, and lost because of a blown call by the referees. Not cool, Drew Pearson. Not cool at all.

2. Super Bowl XVI – Dallas Cowboys vs. Cincinnati Bengals

I do not like the Cowboys at all, but I do have to say they got robbed of a Super Bowl appearance in 1982 courtesy of the 49ers and “The Catch”. It would be the first of five Super Bowl wins for the 49ers, four of them behind the arm of Joe Montana.

If Dwight Clark didn’t make that catch, the West Coast Offense would have been passed off as a phase and a gimmick, Bill Walsh would have retired as the head coach at Washington State, and Joe Montana would be wearing ShapeUps that he had to buy with his own money.

3. Super Bowl XVII – Detroit Lions vs. Cleveland Browns

The playoffs leading up to Super Bowl XVII might be my favorite thing in the history of professional sports (other than a hypothetical Vikings Championship, of course.)

Because of the players’ strike during the 1982 season and the resulting nine-game regular season, the NFL decided to allow eight teams into the playoffs (instead of the usual four) from each conference. This was subsequently named the “Super Bowl Tournament” and included the Detroit Lions and Cleveland Browns who both had records of 4-5, marking the first time any team had made the postseason with a losing record.

How great would it have been to have a Super Bowl played between two No. 8 seeds? The sixth seed from the AFC, the New York Jets, advanced to the Conference Final before losing to the Dolphins, but we’ve seen a sixth seed win the Super Bowl before thanks to the Wild Card.

The NFL had one chance to have an eighth-seeded team with a losing record become a Super Bowl Champion and they blew it. What would have happened if the Browns or Lions would have actually made it to the big game, let alone won it?

Would the NFL have been attacked by critics for allowing their players to strike, which lead to a shortened season that ended with a sub-.500 team winning the Super Bowl, therefore tarnishing the reputation of anyone involved with the NFL? All of this allowing the USFL to step in and be a legitimate competitor, forcing another merger and leave the National Football League of America with too many teams that they would eventually have to contract teams instead of grow in popularity and expand. Would that have happened?

If this Super Bowl would have happened, we never would have had the Jaguars or Texans or Panthers. Jim Kelly would have never lost four Super Bowls with the Bills. Steve Young would probably never be a Hall of Famer. Hershel Walker would be the greatest running back of all time, and the Vikings would have never handed the Cowboys three Super Bowl rings on a silver platter.

For all we know, the National Football League of America could have failed miserably and become a low-rate professional sport right next to jai hali and SlamBall.

4. Super Bowl XXI – New York Giants vs. Cleveland Browns

The Drive. I feel bad for Cleveland Browns fans. I knew they were terribly unlucky and everything, but then I started doing research for this article. I can’t imagine what it would be like to lose multiple playoff games the way they did, and have the team they lost to go on to get absolutely killed in the Super Bowl.

I wrote down 15 hypothetical Super Bowls. The Browns appeared in six of them. I think I’m going to start being a Browns fan out of pity. I feel bad for them. As a Vikings fan, I’m here for you and know your pain. Speaking of the Vikings and Browns…

5. Super Bowl XXII – Minnesota Vikings vs. Cleveland Browns

I had to do this one. Vikings vs. Browns. The two unluckiest franchises in NFL history squaring off a Super Bowl? The Vikings got knocked out of the playoffs after Darrin Nelson dropped a fourth-down pass late in the fourth quarter against the Redskins. The Browns lost on “the fumble” to the Broncos.

Literally anything could have happened. Imagine all the possibilities! It would be a contest to see which team could kill more fans in the span of three and a half hours.

To their credit, both teams deserve to make fake Super Bowls (the Vikings have four on this list, Browns have three). They probably wouldn’t have even won any of them anyway. Is it even possible for a team to lose seven Super Bowls? I don’t ever want to find out. Maybe it’s a good thing the Vikings and Browns will never make another real Super Bowl. It’s probably better that way.

6. Super Bowl XXVI – Detroit Lions vs. Buffalo Bills

I really only included this one because I feel we as Americans were cheated out of seeing Barry Sanders ever play in a Super Bowl. In 1991 the Lions went 12-4, were the No. 2 seed out of the NFC, and made it to the NFC Championship game before losing to the eventual Super Bowl Champion Washington Redskins.

7. Super Bowl XXXIII – Minnesota Vikings vs. Denver Broncos

I’ve written about this game a lot in the past, so I’ll just keep it short. Because if I don’t, it will end up being 5,000 words that eventually lead me to comparing my moral compass to the ending of a football game that I watched when I was 8 years old.

15-1 record. Best offense in NFL history. Randy Moss, Cris Carter, Jake Reed, Randall Cunningham, Robert Smith. Injuries, horrible coaching, and the worst kick of Gary Anderson’s career crushed Minnesota. And they’ve never recovered.

And the Dirty Bird was the dumbest end zone celebration ever.

8. Super Bowl XXXIV – Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. Jacksonville Jaguars

The Buccaneers lost in the NFC Championship game to the Rams by the oddest football score ever, 11-6, after the Rams scored a late fourth-quarter touchdown. It would take the Buccaneers another three years to finally reach the Super Bowl, and Kurt Warner became the greatest grocery bagger in NFL history.

The Jaguars were the No. 1 seed in the AFC in 1999 and put 62 points on the board in the division round against the Dolphins. They lost in the AFC Championship game to the Titans, who barely made it out of the first round, only doing so with a little play famously known as the “Music City Miracle.”

I have no idea what a Buccaneers-Jaguars Super Bowl would have been. I would have probably ditched the Vikings as my favorite team for the Buccaneers and would now have four different John Lynch jerseys in my closet. I suppose Fred Taylor would be a definite Hall of Fame running back and Tom Coughlin would now be the head coach of the Ravens.

9. Super Bowl XXXVI – St. Louis Rams vs. Oakland Raiders

The Tuck Rule. Super Bowl win number one for Tom Brady. Beginning of the end for Kurt Warner in St. Louis.

If the Patriots don’t win against Oakland, it is not inconceivable that Drew Bledsoe would have been reinstated as the starting quarterback in Boston, Tom Brady would have been traded to some team like the Chiefs or Texans, and Bill Simmons would have hopefully given up talking about football.

10. Super Bowl XLII – Green Bay Packers vs. New England Patriots

Brett Favre’s last pass as a Green Bay Packer was an interception in overtime which led the Giants to kick a game winning field goal to advance to Super Bowl XLII and spoil the Patriots chance at a perfect season.

Had the Packers beaten the Giants, one would have to believe that Favre would have retired after the season and actually stayed retired, Super Bowl win or not. Losing a Super Bowl to only the only team to win 19 games in a season is a much better ending than not even having the opportunity.

None of this happened of course, which helped set up Hypothetical Super Bowl No. 11.

11. Super Bowl XLIV – Minnesota Vikings vs. Indianapolis Colts

Can’t blame me for this one either. The Vikings were the best team in the league in 2009, thanks in part to Brett Favre playing the smartest (and arguably best) football of his life.

Unfortunately there was Brad Childress and his love for settling for 45-yard, game winning field goals. And then there was the Vikings getting flagged for having 12 men in the huddle RIGHT AFTER A TIMEOUT! Next play: Favre interception.

By the end of the game I was lying on my kitchen floor with my shirt over my face. Literally the worst night of my life.

I started writing for MSF two days later after comparing the Vikings-Saints game to lyrics by Hootie and the Blowfish. Weirdest thing I’ve ever written. At least something good came out of it.

After a decade of 10-win seasons and playoff appearances, Indy went 2-14 this season without Peyton Manning under center. Now Bill Polian is gone, Jim Caldwell is gone, Rob Lowe is causing Twitter firestorms with suggestions that Manning is retiring…and it all has Peyton feeling a bit out of sorts, as he described to Bob Kravitz of the Indianapolis Star.

In addition to determining Manning’s playing status for next season, the other big decision the Colts must make is who their head coach will be. Former Ohio State coach Jim Tressel’s name has been bandied about, but as our Chris Callaway wondered last week, why not Manning as player/coach? As absurd as the idea sounds (and is), is it any more absurd than Manning attempting to operate under the ultra-conservative direction of Tressel?

These thoughts, and a few choice photos of lovably eccentric Colts owner Jim Irsay, coalesced into our latest photo story.

If for some reason the image below does not load, click here to view in a new window.

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If you enjoyed this photo story, be sure to check out our other photo stories that have featured Peyton Manning and/or Jim Irsay. There are a number of them. There’s just something about those hilariously photogenic, high-profile Colts that always seems to make them a compelling topic.

• “Desperate Measures” – Peyton Manning’s Frantic Quest To Save The Colts’ Season
• “Sucks For Luck” starring Peyton Manning, Andrew Luck, and musical guest Jim Irsay

In his three years as coach of the Colts, he went 14-2 in 2009, 10-6 in 2010 and 2-14 in 2011. Yes, Indianapolis was terrible this year without Peyton Manning under center, but just two short years ago, with #18 healthy, the Colts won the AFC and played in Super Bowl XLIV. In 2010, Manning threw for a career-high 450 completions and 4,700 yards to go with 33 touchdowns.

The Colts relied so heavily on what Manning could do that they were lost without him in 2011. It’s not surprising that Indianapolis wen’t 2-14 this season.

Jim Caldwell may have gotten a raw deal in Indy, but a 2-14 season didn't help his cause.

I don’t necessarily agree with the firing, but Caldwell’s last season left them with a predicament on their hands.

The Colts will be bringing in a new general manager and head coach, who will have to deal with drafting Andrew Luck No. 1 overall.  Of course, they don’t have to draft Luck, but all the reports and indications say that the Stanford quarterback will be the No. 1 pick, and it’s the right move to make for the future of the organization. There’s no correct answer to what should be done with the situation. Do you give up on the last few years of one of the best quarterbacks of all-time?

Here’s a crazy idea: make Peyton Manning the head coach. He’s essentially the offensive coordinator already, and he knows the organization as well, if not better than anyone currently on staff. He’s as smart on the offensive side of the ball as any player or coach in the league, and being a quarterback, he’s seen every defense imaginable.

He would admittedly need a strong defensive coordinator, especially for during practice, but on game day, everything goes through Peyton anyways. Why not make him head coach too?

If you were to give him the head coaching title too, it would inevitably make him more invested in not only his personal success but the success of the team as well. From a health perspective, Manning should not be playing after his skills have diminished. If he’s not on his A-game, he’s more susceptible to a hit that could severely damage his quality of life. Yes, that’s true for any player on any given play, but more so for a quarterback who has had multiple neck injuries.

If he knows whenever he’s done playing that he can just transition into the other part of his role, as head coach, he may be more inclined to call it quits before it’s too late.

Personally, I think Manning has another two years in him before he should retire. Having Andrew Luck sit for two years, learning from one of the best ever, before taking over the starting role while continuing to learn from Manning would be the perfect situation for the Indianapolis Colts.

So why not give it a shot? Coming off a 2-14 season, they’ve got nothing to lose.

That is, how much of a distraction did the events involving the tragic loss of Offensive Coordinator Joe Philbin’s son play into preparing for the Divisional Playoff?

If there was, no one in the Packers organization is going to dare admit it, which would be well played. For anyone on the Green Bay payroll to suggest as such would serve as a disrespect to the Giants and even a trivialization of the tragedy.

The Packers did not just lose. They had their faces stomped on with a hob-nailed boot. As recently as a few days ago, writers were still debating whether the 2011 Packers should be ranked as the best team in franchise history.

First off, the team actually had to repeat as World Champions before even presenting such an argument. Also it is impossible to compare apples to oranges – or this year’s team to a 1960’s Lombardi era team.

But even before Sunday I was having a hard time convincing myself that a team that finished a dead-last 32^nd in total defense could be the franchise’s best team ever, 15-1 regular season record or not.

Credit the Giants for making that conversation mute for good.

It was figured that the worst case scenario was that the Giants would light up Green Bay’s D again, but that Aaron Rodgers and company would keep pace and the game would be a high-scoring shootout decided in the final minutes.

Except it didn’t turn out that way.

The Packers’ offense came out flat with their worst performance of the season at obviously the wrong time. Aaron Rodgers finished the game with a season-low 78.5 QB rating. Obviously his rusty receivers didn’t help his cause. Jermichael Finley (whose stock clearly dropped this year) dropped several passes, Randall Cobb nearly fumbled on a kickoff return, Greg Jennings DID fumble following a reception (despite Instant Replay not reversing the call). The Packers came away a -3 in turnover differential; the team made more than enough miscues to lose the game to a talented and well-coached opposition.

And then there was the failed on-side kick attempt early in the second quarter, which screamed of a team in desperation and sent a message that the brain-trust didn’t figure they could beat Big Blue straight up. The well-disciplined Giants held their water and recovered, and Green Bay was fortunate that it didn’t result in points.

There was not one moment following the opening kickoff that I felt good about Green Bay’s chances, but I held hope when it appeared they would head into the locker room down only 13-10. To be only down by three, and receiving second half kickoff, after playing terrible in the first half – there was plenty of reason for hope.

That was before (1) failing to tackle Ahmad Bradshaw before he got out of bounds, and then (2) the Hail Mary.

Hakeem Nicks had his defender boxed out, and in all there were three Giants players to the Packers two. As the ball was still in the air, I knew what the result was going to be. Never has a Hail Mary been converted so easily. That little two play sequence was not just on the defense (two of them currently appearing in State Farm spots) but the coaching staff as well – a psychological as well as physical dagger.

Then there was Rodgers getting sacked on fourth and five with the score still just 20-13 early in the fourth – and suddenly a punt into the end zone didn’t seem so bad compared to the Giants getting it at the 45, bleeding clock and eventually scoring a FG.

When the Pack turned it over yet again on the next series deep in their own territory, the culmination of mistakes officially became un-survivable.

But going back to the rust the team showed, and the possible distraction leading up to the game in light of the Philbin situation. There is one prior parallel we can go back on, the 2005 Indianapolis Colts.

Like this year’s Packers, the ’05 Colts won their first 13 games and clinched the #1 seed in the AFC, and the debate became would Tony Dungy’s team elect to chase a 16-0 record, or rest Peyton Manning and many of the team’s other starters.

Playing all of the regulars, the Colts lost at home in Week 15 to the San Diego Chargers, which broke up the perfect season and made Dungy’s decision to rest Manning and others somewhat easier.

But on December 22, 2005, the Colts organization and the rest of the NFL fraternity was shaken by the news that Tony Dungy’s 18-year old son had been found dead in a Tampa, FL apartment. Dungy immediately left the team and then-assistant Jim Caldwell assumed the team’s coaching duties for the Week 16 game in Seattle.

The Colts lost that game, then Dungy returned for the team’s Week 17 game at home v. Arizona, which the Colts won to finish 14-2. Peyton Manning only played sparingly in both games.

But then came Indy’s home divisional playoff game versus the sixth-seeded (and eventual Super Bowl champion) Pittsburgh Steelers, where the Colts fell behind 21-3 and a late rally fell short in a 21-18 loss. That was the game best remembered for the Jerome Bettis fumble and Ben Roethlisberger saving the ensuing return from going for a touchdown, and then Mike Vanderjagt becoming the convenient scapegoat after missing a potential game-tying field goal.

The similarities between the ’05 Colts and ’11 Packers are obvious. Both chased the possibility of a 16-0 record much of the season. Both endured a horrible tragedy involving a coaching staff member late in the year. Both teams were in position to rest starters in Weeks 16/17 (or in the Packers case Week 17). And both came up flat and were one and done at home against an opposition riding a wave of momentum – and it will not surprise me at all if the ’11 Giants follow the path of the ’05 Steelers/’07 Giants/’10 Packers and win it all.

How much does the blame go on rust and how much on the obvious distraction that put the game of football in its proper perspective?

Probably a combination of both, in both cases.

I don’t question Mike McCarthy’s decision to keep Aaron Rodgers on ice for Week 17. Matt Flynn deserved an audition, and it was also a classic damned if you do/damedn if you don’t dilemma. What if Rodgers plays two series and got hurt? The second-guessing would be ten-fold what it is now.

And Joe Philbin found a need to return to the press box for the Division Playoff, citing the fact that his team is his family too. I’m sure that it in a small way it also serves to begin the healing process, as painful as it may be. It would have been even more painful for Philbin to be at home helplessly watching on TV.

Fact is, last year’s Packers peaked at the right time, while this year’s squad slowly became flawed and their weaknesses more apparent towards the end of the campaign.  What looked like an odds-on bet to repeat for most of the season became anything but.

The good news is that the Packers window is far from closed. Aaron Rodgers is at the peak of his career. The team knows what needs to be addressed in the draft: offensive line, featured running back, defense, secondary in particular. And Nick Collins’ injury way back in Week 2 proved huge.

What concerns me more is the Pack’s recent playoff record at home, now losing four of their last six. Lambeau Field is supposed to be as intimidating as any venue, especially at playoff time. Before 2002 the franchise had never lost at home, now they have lost four of their last six. Remember Michael Vick in the snow? Randy Moss and the moon? And now the Giants twice. The only two wins have been versus Seattle, the Al Harris interception after the ’03 season, and the divisional playoff win four years later.

As has been seen with other recent contenders such as the Colts, Steelers, Patriots, etc., not everything breaks right – especially with 11 other teams in the playoffs.

The timing of the Philbin family tragedy did hurt, but this team still isn’t far off – there will be other chances.

I have a different idea. It may sound crazy, you may not like it, but here it goes…

WIN NOW. Keep Peyton and trade the picks.

I guarantee about 50 percent of you are shaking your head at me or muttering out loud that I am insane. I am ok with that.

Here is my proposal: trade the first overall pick to…the Cleveland Browns. They don’t have the guy in Colt McCoy, he just isn’t ready. Keep him as a backup or trade him for another pick. They need a big, strong pocket passer in Cleveland, and they have two first-round picks this year.

If I were the Colts, I would demand BOTH first-rounders for this year and next year’s first round pick and maybe one more pick. You use those picks to bolster the putrid defense and you let Peyton have two or three more good years to try and win it all one more time.

As far as drafting a QB in this draft, why not take a chance in the second or third round on Kellen Moore from Boise St.?

Image source: The Bullgator

He doesn’t have to play now, but you definitely upgrade your backups going from Dan Orlovsky and Curtis Painter to the NCAA’s all-time wins leader. Who knows? Maybe Moore is the future. Even if he’s not, you won’t have to spend a high pick and money on him and he can develop.

I know now all of you are compiling a list of why Kellen Moore won’t make it as a pro. He’s too short. Well, Drew Brees is about the same height. He doesn’t have a huge arm. Perhaps, but Moore is extremely accurate, which, along with number of college starts, is more predictive of NFL success than arm strength.

I am not saying this WILL work. But it is something that could work.

I think a fellow named Tom Brady was drafted in the sixth round. How has he fared? Pretty well I would say.

Yes, the likelihood is slim that Moore is the Brady level of talent, but if Peyton is healthy and the Colts want to make a mad dash at the Super Bowl over the next three years, this move is the one to make.

Problem is, this team is peaking at absolutely the wrong time.

Is Indy losing by winning?

You could understand Blue Horseshoe going out and winning one game, as they did versus Tennessee to avoid the stigma of a historic 0-16 season. Even two wins would still give Indy the #1 overall pick in the 2012 NFL Draft.

But running into the Division Champion but also free-falling Houston Texans Thursday night was an unexpected road block, as a back-breaking three-game winning streak is suddenly very attainable.

I get a team wanting to finish strong and Indy getting two nice wins to close out the home schedule. But in the process they have made life very difficult for themselves in the ‘Suck For Luck’ sweepstakes.

Everyone knows the Jacksonville Jaguars – Indy’s Week 17 opponent – are capable of sinking down to the occasion – not to mention their fan base, which will step down and stay away from the season finale in droves. And if the Jaguars can “run the table” and finish 4-12, they could even get a high enough draft pick to put them in the conversation to trade up for Andrew Luck.

But it’s always more difficult to win, actually more easy to lose, on the road – even if asking Dan Orlovsky to perform worse than Blaine Gabbert is daunting.

Impact of Barkley’s return to USC

Up until about 24 hours ago, the #2 overall draft pick was not such a bad thing for a team that will eventually be in need of a new quarterback. That was until Matt Barkley announced that he will stay for a senior season at the University of Southern California.

From Barkley’s perspective that is not a bad move (barring injury). Tommy Trojan is off probation next year and Barkley will enter the 2012 season as the Heisman front-runner. Of course being the most well-known candidate pre-season in the Heisman race frequently proves not to pan out, as the ’12 versions of Robert Griffin III will no doubt emerge with a groundswell of support.

But Barkley staying at SC suddenly makes the QB pool for the 2012 Draft much more shallow. RGIII is projected as a top-five pick (and has to come out this year, in my opinion, while iron is still hot), but unlike Andrew Luck not as NFL-ready. If Peyton Manning is healthy, Griffin would be perfect to stash away and develop for 1-2 years.

After that, there are no “can’t miss” types. Oklahoma’s Landry Jones currently projects middle first-round, but comes across similar to Christian Ponder or Landry’s predecessor at OU, Sam Bradford. After Jones, there are no others whose skill set pops out, unless someone off-the-radar really progresses in the pre-draft workout process.

New entrants in “Suck for Luck” Sweepstakes

If Indianapolis does lose New Year’s Day, there will be a messy situation. If Archie Manning comes out and says that his son might not be crazy about starting while looking over his shoulder at his eventual replacement, it will not be the first time the Manning clan had sent a strong hint towards an NFL organization (see Eli Manning/San Diego Chargers/2004).

But again, there’s that $28 million roster bonus albatross, an awful lot for a 36-year old fresh off a couple of neck surgeries and now on a rebuilding team.

Should Indy complete their collapse and finish 3-13, the Minnesota Vikings could get the #1 pick by losing out, but I see the Vikes winning at least one game – if not Saturday in DC, then definitely against a Chicago Bears team with who knows how many ‘customers’, I mean players, potentially nervous about the next shoe dropping in the Sam Hurd saga.

The St. Louis Rams would be interesting, and stand a real chance of going 2-14 with the Steelers/49ers left on the schedule. Sam Bradford regressed this year, but then again so did everything around them. Would STL pull the plug on that investment, with the smart money having Luck being the better product in time? Or do they trade down, where they can get an impressive haul (i.e. multiple draft picks) which could be the better route for a franchise that simply needs more productive bodies everywhere?

An intriguing free agent QB

And then there are teams already in contention who could use an elite quarterback right now, and there just happens to be one with a QB who WILL be a free agent at the conclusion of the 2011 season.

For the record, Drew Brees indicated on a radio interview with Westwood One Thursday night that he has zero intention of leaving the New Orleans Saints, and that the contract situation will be hammered out when appropriate.

But there’s the cautionary tale of Albert Pujols. Yes different sport, but similar story line. Brees seems to remain a perfect fit for the NOLA Saints – but a contract is a contract, and a contract expiring is a contract expiring.

What if Drew gets an offer too good to pass up??

There’s a franchise that has had a fantastic turnaround this season, but still, with hindsight being 20-20, laments selecting Alex Smith over what would had been the second incarnation of Joe Montana with the first pick of the 2005 Draft.

Aaron Rodgers will now never come through that door in Frisco, but Drew Brees, still in his prime, would be the next best thing – and the Niners’ missing link.

And I can think a few other landing spots for Drew – the Houston Texans now have the playoff monkey off their backs and Matt Schaub (when healthy) is decent, but Brees would be an upgrade. And can a New York Jets fan look anyone square in the eye and say they’re happy with Mark Sanchez?

Final Thought

So expect teams to play to win in Week 17, as it should be. If his health checks out, Peyton Manning should still be good for three more years while Indy develops Griffin, or someone else. And there are too many examples of QB’s being thrown into the fire and being ruined on bad teams (see Archie Manning, and now potentially Sam Bradford) or players who simply didn’t live up to their college exploits (see Matt Leinart/Vince Young).

When it comes to finding a special quarterback either by way of the NFL Draft or free agency, the process often comes down to – what else…

Luck.

Maybe by taking a look at all the wonderful and curious things that are happening in the world of sports, I can learn to become a passive observer who can relax as I enjoy watching feats of athleticism, competition, gamesmanship, and sportsmanship, instead of a fan whose weekend is wrecked when Evansville loses a close game to Tennessee Tech (at home).

I’ll give it a try. Here’s what we learned this weekend.

1. No one is perfect . . .

A few weeks ago, I said that the Packers wouldn’t lose a regular season game unless Mike McCarthy decided to rest his players. I was wrong.

Saturday night on Facebook, I suggested that Aaron Rodgers was the only MVP candidate. Wrong again.

The Packers lost 19-14 Sunday to the Chiefs—a team that fired its coach this week and that starts Kyle Orton at quarterback—in a game where Rodgers completed fewer than half of his passes. Rodgers threw for 235 yards and accounted for 2 touchdowns, but 87 of those yards and one of those touchdowns came against a prevent defense with less than 5 minutes remaining and the Chiefs leading by 2 scores. (And if there’s one thing that I know about professional football, it’s that prevent defenses don’t prevent anything.)

Meanwhile Dan Orlovsky and the Indianapolis Colts ended their perfect season by beating my Tennessee Titans 27-14. The Colts ran for 205 yards (including 161 from Donald Brown) against the porous Titans defense and Tennessee turned over the ball thrice. The good news for Titans fans is that rookie quarterback Jake Locker has star potential. (Then again, so did Vince Young.)

2. . . . except maybe Drew Brees.

Entering this weekend, four quarterbacks were on pace to have 5,000-yard passing seasons. To date there have only been two 5,000-yard passing seasons in NFL history. (Dan Marino in 1984 and Drew Brees in 2008.) Rodgers and Eli Manning fell off the pace Sunday, but both still have a reasonable chance of reaching the milestone. Tom Brady needs 407 yards in two games to get there.

Drew Brees threw for 412 yards and five touchdowns in the Saints’ win against the Vikings Sunday. For the season, he has 4,780 yards. He needs only 220 yards to get to 5,000 and 305 yards to set the all-time single-season passing record (Marino’s 5,084 yards in 1984). And he has two games to do it. Brees, who leads the league in completion percentage and has thrown for 37 touchdowns, could nab his first MVP award unless Rodgers returns to form next week.

No caption necessary.

3. Yes, Virginia, there are college football playoffs.

Speaking of Virginia, Salem, Virginia was the site of Friday night’s Stagg Bowl, the Division III National Championship Game. For a 7th straight year, Mt. Union faced Wisconsin-Whitewater. Whitewater took its 3rd straight title and its 4th win in seven championship meetings with Mt. Union.

Meanwhile in Florence, Alabama the Pittsburg State (Kansas) Gorillas (that’s right) beat the Wayne State (Michigan) Warriors in the Division II title game.

In Division I-FCS Drew Lange’s North Dakota State Bison advanced to the Championship Game on January 7 in Frisco, Texas, where they’ll face Sam Houston State.

I’m not sure how the players at Wisconsin-Whitewater, Pittsburg State, and North Dakota State find a way to play all these extra games and still take their finals, but they manage.

Also, the Midwest dominates the NCAA football playoffs.

4. The Ohio University won all the sour cream and chives.

The Ohio U. Bobcats came back to edge out Utah State 24-23 in Saturday’s Famous Idaho Potato Bowl, a game that may have the best bowl-game logo ever designed:

The victory gave Ohio its first win in six bowl appearances.

5. The Missouri Valley is deep, no thanks to my Evansville Aces.

The Indiana State Sycamores men’s basketball team upset my #25 Vanderbilt Commodores 61-55 in Nashville Saturday night. Aside from my disappointing Evansville Purple Aces (who lost by two to Tennessee Tech to dip back below .500), the Missouri Valley Conference is off to a good start.

The Valley, which received multiple NCAA Tournament bids every year from 1999 through 2007 (including four bids in 2006 and three in 1999 and 2005) has been a one-bid league since 2008. This year, 4 teams have a realistic chance of making the dance: Indiana State, #24/25 Creighton, Northern Iowa (3-0 against major conference teams), and Wichita State (who boasts a 19-point win over UNLV).

6. Xavier needs to keep its players away from fights, and press conferences.

The Xavier Musketeers took the court Saturday for the first time since their Crosstown Shootout win over Cincinnati, a game that ended with a brawl instead of a buzzer. Last week’s late-game fisticuffs resulted in 4-game suspensions for Xavier freshmen Dez Wells and Landen Amos and a 2-game suspension for junior Mark Lyons. Star senior guard Tu Holloway (a national player-of-the-year candidate before the brawl) lost one game for his post-game comments.

Without the suspended players, Xavier lost 64-42 at home to Oral Roberts, the Musketeers’ first loss of the season. Cincinnati, the guiltier party last week, had no trouble with Wright State and Radford. Then again, the Bearcats didn’t lose an All American point guard.

Then again, if you’re a Xavier fan, there’s really no shame in losing to team that’s capable of doing this:

7. For the first first time in 5 years we have a new NCAA volleyball champion.

As if things weren’t already bad enough at Penn State, the Nittany Lions’ volleyball dynasty ended last weekend with a quarterfinal loss to UCLA. Saturday evening the #9 Bruins beat #3 Illinois to win their 4th volleyball title, the first title since 2006 not won by Penn State. Illnois remains without a women’s sports national championship.

8. This lady is walking across Antarctica.

She's spending Christmas as far away from Santa as is geographically possible. (AP photo)

32-year-old Felicity Aston of the United Kingdom is walking across Antarctica, by herself. Aston says the most challenging aspect of the 1,700-kilometer trek is the solitude:

“When that plane disappeared and left me on the wrong side of Antarctica all by myself with two little sledges, it really hit me that I’m completely responsible for myself,” she said in an interview by satellite phone. “It’s just you. You have to sort out your problems, and that makes you feel very vulnerable.”

Aston hopes to reach the South Pole this week so she can stock up on supplies. (I’m guessing that the South Pole has a Pilot Travel Center, and maybe a Walgreens.)

Remember Aston this week when you’re whining about having to walk 800 yards from your parking space to the mall entrance. You can follow her on Twitter.

Aaron Rodgers led a last-minute drive to give the Packers a win over the Giants, extending Green Bay’s winning streak to 18. Drew Brees became the first quarterback in league history to throw for more than 4,000 yards in 12 games. Tim Tebow led the Broncos to their fifth straight win and proved that he is more than just a pair of legs, throwing for 202 yards and 2 touchdowns.

Chris Johnson put to rest any doubt that he had emerged from an early-season, hold0ut-induced funk by rushing for 153 yards and 2 scores. Marshawn Lynch had similar numbers in the Seahawks’ Thursday-night thrashing of the Eagles. And the Patriots’ Rob Gronkowski caught 3 touchdown passes, tying the record for most touchdown receptions in a season by a tight end with 13.

First-year coach Jim Harbaugh and the San Francisco 49ers clinched the NFC West and earned their first Playoff bid in nearly a decade. During the Niners’ shutout of St. Louis running back Frank Gore became the leading rusher in franchise history.

These are the players you’ll see on the highlight shows and read about in the week-in-review columns. These are the players who sell jerseys and star in commercials for insurance companies. But, as is always the case in football, no team is successful apart from the contributions of several players whose exemplary work we often overlook.

Here are but a few of the unsung heroes from Week 13 in the NFL:

Colin McCarthy, Tennessee Titans linebacker

Rookie Colin McCarthy began the season backing up starting middle linebacker Barrett Ruud. When Ruud went down with a groin injury early last month, McCarthy took over one of the most important positions on the field. The fourth-round pick from Miami has been the Titan’s leading tackler in each of the 4 games he started.

Sunday against Buffalo was no different. McCarthy led Tennessee with 9 tackles. He also deflected a pass and recovered 2 fumbles.

Late in the first quarter, trailing by 3, Buffalo decided to go for it on 4th and 3 from the Tennessee 34. McCarthy stuffed Bills quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick at the line of scrimmage, forced a fumble, and recovered the fumble at the Titans’ 43. The play denied the Bills a chance to tie or take the lead and gave the Titans great field position for their subsequent drive, a drive that resulted in a Chris Johnson touchdown.

With the win McCarthy and the Titans improved to 7-5 and remain in the mix for an AFC Playoff spot.

Mario Haggan, Denver Broncos linebacker

Going into Sunday’s game against Minnesota, the ever-improving Broncos defense had held each of its last 3 opponents to 13 or fewer points. This week, with hot-shot rookie Von Miller sidelined with a thumb injury, the Denver D struggled, allowing 489 yards and 30 points. (The defense wasn’t responsible for the safety the Broncos surrendered on their opening drive.)

Despite Denver’s defensive woes, the defense was responsible for the Broncos’ only first-half touchdown. In the first quarter, with Denver struggling to move the ball, linebacker Mario Haggan, starting in place of the injured Miller, intercepted Vikings quarterback Christian Ponder and ran 16 yards into the end zone. The score gave the Broncos an early lead and kept them within a touchdown going into the second half.

Haggan, normally a special teams player, finished the game with 12 tackles, including 3 for a loss. His Broncos (who hold the tiebreaker against the Raiders) took over first place in the AFC West.

Mario Haggan couldn't be happier to be an Unsung Hero. (Denver Post file photo)

Lagedu Naanee, Carolina Panthers wide receiver

Boise State fans can’t be happy that the Sugar Bowl passed over their Broncos in favor of 2 teams ranked outside the top 10. But they can take solace in knowing that one of their own is one of this week’s Unsung Heroes.

Legedu Naanee, a fifth year receiver out of Boise State, caught only two balls in Sunday’s win over Tampa Bay. One of those catches was the only touchdown that the Panthers scored through the air.

But Legadu Naanee—that’s LEG-uh-doo nah-NAY—did more than just catch the ball. Late in the first quarter, Naanee completed a pass to his quarterback, Cam Newton, that was good for 27 yards. The play put the Panthers on the Tampa Bay 2-yard line and set up an easy touchdown that would give Carolina a 14-0 lead.

Tavaris Jackson, Seattle Seahawks quarterback

When the Saints acquired Drew Brees in 2006, they hit a home run. When the Seahawks acquired sixth-year quarterback Travaris Jackson this summer, they appeared to have hit a grounder to second. Or an infield fly. Or maybe a foul ball. (I’m not sure where this analogy is taking me.) For his career, Jackson has thrown 34 touchdowns and 34 interceptions and has a passer rating of 76.4. He certainly wasn’t an improvement over outgoing free agent Matt Hasselbeck; and he certainly wasn’t the sort of player one would expect to take a reigning division champion (albeit a 7-9 division champion) to the next level.

So far this year, he has 10 TDs, 12 INTs, and a 76.1 rating. If nothing else, he’s consistent.

But during Seattle’s Thursday night route of Philadelphia, Jackson was superb. He was 13-16 for 190 yards, an average of 11.9 yards-per-attempt. More importantly, Jackson completed a big third-down pass on each of the Seahawks’ first two scoring drives. Early in the first, on third-and-5, Jackson hit Benjamin Obumanu up the middle for 26 yards. That pass set up a Marshawn Lynch touchdown on the following play.

A few minutes later, on third-and-7 at the Seattle 39, Jackson hit Doug Baldwin for 21 yards. On the next play, Lynch once again took the ball into the end zone.

Dan Orlovsky, Indianapolis Colts quarterback

This is my third Unsung Heroes column of the 2011 season. Up to this point, all of the heroes I’ve highlighted have been affiliated with winning teams. But I’m going to make an exception for Colts quarterback Dan Orlovsky. Orlovsky took over the starting job from Curtis Painter this week and made his first start since 2008 when he started 7 games for the Lions.

The Colts have been dreadful this year. They are 0-12 and have been outscored by a total of 184 points. They lost 17-3 at home to Jacksonville in Week 10. They’re ranked 19th in passing defense and 26th or lower in everything else.

You get the picture.

Going into Sunday’s game at New England, Indianapolis was a 3-touchdown underdog. But the Colts, thanks in large part to Orlovsky, managed to make things interesting.

After an Adam Vinatieri field goal tied the game at 3 early in the second quarter, the Patriots went on a run, scoring the next 28 points. Entering the fourth quarter, the Pats led 31-3. Orlovsky, a seventh-year journeyman from UConn who has fewer passing yards in his career than Travaris Jackson has this season, came alive in the final period, throwing for 240 of his 353 yards and 2 touchdowns. In all Indianapolis scored three fourth quarter touchdowns, trimming the lead to 31-24. (The Colts failed to recover an onside kick that would have given them 36 seconds to attempt a game-tying drive.)

Sure, lots of quarterbacks can pick apart a prevent defense, but the Colts haven’t come within 7 points of an opponent in nearly 2 months. (They lost 28-24 at home to Kansas City on October 9.) The fact that they were a few fluky plays away from beating one of the AFC’s best teams on the road is remarkable. And Orlovsky deserves a lot of credit.

Colts fans, this is your quarterback. (Photo by Elsa/Getty Images)

Kansas City Chiefs linebackers

It was a good week for linebackers. Chiefs linebackers Derrick Johnson, Justin Houston, and Jovan Belcher were part of a defensive unit that held Chicago to only 3 points, the Bears’ lowest output of the season. (You don’t really appreciate Jay Cutler until he’s not there.)

The trio combined for 22 tackles (including 6 for a loss), 4 sacks, and a forced fumble. The Bears went 3-and-out 5 times. Each of those fruitless drives featured a big play by a Chiefs linebacker.

Houston Texans secondary

When Houston Texans quarterback Matt Schaub suffered a season-ending foot fracture three weeks ago, the Texans hopes of making their first playoff appearance in franchise history appeared to be in danger. But the Texans are 2-0 without Schaub and are in excellent shape to clinch a division title and a Playoff bid later this month.

Rookie quarterback T.J. Yates, starting in Schaub’s absence, has posted modest numbers but avoided turnovers. Arian Foster and Ben Tate continue to be one of the league’s best running back tandems. And the Houston defense is arguably the NFL’s best.

Sunday the Texans held Atlanta to 10 points. The Houston secondary made things specially difficult for quarterback Matt Ryan and the Falcons offense. Ryan completed only 20 of 46 passes (that’s 43.5 percent).

Texans corners Jason Allen and Kareem Jackson each intercepted Ryan in the first quarter. Safety Glover Quin deflected 2 passes and led Houston with 6 tackles, including one for a loss. Safeties Quintin Demps and Troy Nolan added 4 tackles apiece.

Baltimore Ravens offensive line

No one outside of the Browns organization was surprised to see Baltimore beat Cleveland by 2 touchdowns. But the Ravens offensive line—tackles Bryant McKinnie and Michael Oher, guards Ben Grubbs and Marshal Yanda, and center Matt Birk—nonetheless deserves praise for its remarkable performance.

The Ravens on Sunday ran for 290 yards behind this talented quintet. Ray Rice went for 204; Ricky Williams added 76. Quarterback Joe Flacco struggled, but protection wasn’t a problem: He was only hit twice and sacked once. Only 3 of the Ravens’ 78 plays resulted in negative yards.

Green Bay Packers fans and owners

Once upon a time the NFL had teams in Dayton, Ohio, Evansville, Indiana, and Duluth Minnesota. As the game grew, the NFL franchises in these mid-sized Rust Belt cities folded or moved to one of the nation’s emerging population centers. But one managed to stick around.

Green Bay, Wisconsin, a city whose metropolitan area is less than half the size of Wichita’s, has managed to keep its football team for 92 years. In that time the Packers have become one of the most storied teams, with one of the most passionate fan bases, in all of sports. The team’s unique ownership situation is the main (and perhaps only) reason the Pack has stayed in Green Bay all these years. Unlike most pro sports franchises, which have a single owner or ownership group, the Packers are a publicly owned nonprofit corporation. 112,158 stockholders own 4,750,937 shares of Green Bay Packers stock.

This week the team announced the sale of 250,000 shares of Packers stock at $250 each. The sale, which is only the franchise’s second stock sale since 1950, begins tomorrow and continues until February 29 of next year. The sale will finance renovations to Lambeau Field.

While stock owners get voting rights in the company, Packers stocks cannot appreciate in value and never pay dividends. Still Packers fans always seem to come through, doing whatever is necessary to make sure the team from the little city on Lake Michigan is among the league’s best.

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Click Here to view more Unsung Heroes presented by Chevy

Anyway, there isn’t much to say about Luck for this week in looking back; but we can look forward.

This Saturday, December 10th, the Heisman Trophy will be awarded. Later today, the finalists will be announced, and everyone rightly assumes that Luck will one of them. Other names likely to be included are Robert Griffin III, Trent Richardson, and hopefully Montee Ball of Wisconsin.

We will have a complete preview of this year’s Heisman later in the week, but I’ll say right now that I don’t think Luck will win.

He won’t win, in part, because there were so many other outstanding individual players – namely the aforementioned three – in college football this year.

Luck also won’t win because his play and overall numbers fell short of the outrageous expectations that were placed upon him before the season and throughout, especially as the concept of “Suck For Luck” was discussed and written about by idiot bloggers in their mothers’ basements.

And Luck also will not win because in his biggest game, against Oregon, he wasn’t transcendent; he was merely good, but he he needed to be great.

Still, Luck had an incredible season, and I look forward to seeing he and Stanford take on Oklahoma State in the Fiesta Bowl. It will be an up and down the field kind of game, and it should be a great final college showcase for Luck before the Indianapolis Colts make him the #1 pick in the 2012 NFL Draft.

With that in mind, let’s quickly count down the suckiest of the sucky in this week’s Suck For Luck Power Rankings.

NFL Suck For Luck Power Rankings: Week 14

1. St. Louis Rams (2-Suck)

That’s right, for this week the Rams are taking over the top spot. I’m sick of piling on the Colts, and you know what? Indy did beat the spread last week, so at least they won something. St. Louis, on the other hand, well, they couldn’t beat an egg with a bowl, a fork, and a counter. They are awful. (As was that egg thing…so it fits.)

Remember when the Rams beat New Orleans? How the hell did that happen?

St. Louis didn’t advance past the 49ers’ 45-yard line all day. Not once. Consequently, they scored zero points. They have also made me look like an absolute fool because I have continued ranking them better than their record dictated, thinking they’d turn it around in the second half of the season. Nope. They just keep sucking.

Maybe it’s karma for the Cardinals coming out of nowhere to win the World Series. Seriously. I wonder if some St. Louis sports fan (this guy perhaps?) made a deal with the devil late in August exchanging any semblance of competitiveness from the Rams for the Cardinals to make the unlikeliest of unlikely World Series runs.

Well, do you have a better explanation?

Oh, well maybe you do.

Or perhaps the explanation is that Rams’ supposed franchise QB (seen below sporting his Von Miller starter kit) hasn’t really developed yet into a franchise QB.

Nah. I’m not ready to give up on Bradford yet (though he should give up on those glasses.)

2. Indianapolis Colts (1-11)

Yes, yes, I know the Colts are officially 0-12, but I am giving them a mercy victory. They were 20-point underdogs to the Patriots and only by lost seven points after a 21-point 4th quarter closed the Patriots’ lead to 31-24.

Occasions when nice things can be said about the Colts have been rare this year, so I’m taking this one.

Now, here is a picture of Jim Caldwell receiving electroshock therapy.

3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-8)

This team is in utter collapse mode, and I don’t see any way Raheem Morris gets another year. It will be interesting to see how they bounce back next year. There is talent on the roster, but are there enough leaders to form it into a cohesive team?

Maybe Joe Maddon wants to coach football?

4. Minnesota Vikings (2-10)

There is no great shame in losing to Tim Tebow and the Broncos, but you are what your record says you are, and 2-10 is 2-10. Plus, that defense is utterly atrocious. When did the Vikings just completely forget how to cover in the secondary?

Also, here is an important question to consider after Tim Tebow faced off against Christian Ponder:

Image source: Reddit

5. Chargers/Jaguars Loser

6. Chargers/Jaguars Winner

Real barn-burner you’ve got tonight ESPN!

7. Philadelphia Eagles (4-8)

Do you realize the NFC West may just be better than the NFC East this year?

The 49ers are clearly the best of the 8 teams, while the Rams are the worst. But the Cowboys have now been beaten by Arizona and Seattle took care of the Giants. Perhaps the NFC East is still slightly better, but it’s close. And who would have thought that coming into the season?

8. Cleveland Browns (4-8)

They should probably be higher, because they are really, really, really, ridiculously bad – maybe the worst 4-win team in NFL history – but many of my friends are Browns fans. So consider this a mercy ranking.

9. Carolina Panthers (4-8)

They have certainly looked better the last two weeks, but they’ve also played Indy and Tampa Bay, so let’s not get too carried away.

Also, if you missed it, make sure you watch this.

10. Buffalo Bills (5-7)

Another week, another loss for the franchise that will probably go down as the worst team to ever start a season 5-2. Remember that?

Others receiving votes: Washington, Kansas City, Oakland, and Dallas – the last two because, well, those were a couple of awful losses last week.

I’ll give Miami, Seattle, and Arizona a reprieve this week after all scored nice victories in Week 13.

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Please submit your gripes below. They are always welcome.

But today, the phrase “suck for Luck” has nothing to do with a certain NFL team losing game after game and positioning themselves for the #1 pick. Rather, it has to do with the Nike Pro Combat unis that Stanford wore Saturday night.

Which sucked.

Photo credit: AP Photo/Paul Sakuma via ESPN.com

I’ve seen some bad version of the Nike Pro Combat unis (Georgia’s immediately come to mind), but these may the worst. Black helmets? Black numbers? For Stanford? I suppose the jersey itself isn’t bad, but nothing about it says Stanford. And, um, isn’t that what jerseys are supposed to do?

I have a solution.

We need to get this guy on the case:

Seriously, can you imagine the indignation if this bro had seen that Stanford-Notre Dame game? He’d have downed the entire bottle of 1800 by halftime because of those uniforms.

Whatever happened to men, Michael Imperibroli? Nike. And it’s Pro Combat Uniforms. That’s what.

Now drink up while I break down the NFL’s top/bottom 10 in the race to draft Matt Barkley or Robert Griffin (if they go pro) since the race to draft Luck is pretty much done.

NFL Suck For Luck Power Rankings: Week 13

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1. Indianapolis Colts (0-11)

Breaking news: the Colts lost again.

Here is their remaining schedule. You tell me where a win might come from: at New England, at Baltimore, vs Tennessee, vs Houston, at Jacksonville.

• They sure as hell aren’t beating New England or Baltimore. In fact, they might lose by a combined 100 points.
• I suppose they could beat Tennessee, but the Titans should still be alive in AFC South race then.
• Houston at home is a possibility depending on their QB situation, and if they have the AFC South clinched, but I think the Texans could win just direct snapping it to Arian Foster.
• Week 17 at Jacksonville is a possibility because any team quarterbacked by Blaine Gabbert could lose to any team quarterbacked by anyone else – even you, dear reader.

So, with nothing else really to say about this sorry sack of a Manning-less team, here is a picture of Curtis Painter doing one of the few things he does better than Peyton Manning: carrying laundry.

Photo credit: USA Today

2. St. Louis Rams (2-9)

That’s it. I’m done with the Rams. And they still have to play San Francisco twice! If you own Steven Jackson in fantasy, trade him. Trade him now.

3. San Diego Chargers (4-7)

A bunch of the other craptastic teams won this weekend, so we’ll bump the sorry Chargers all the way up to #3. When you start out 4-1 then lose six straight games, each in excruciating fashion, you get rewards like this.

It’s safe to say that the Norv Turner Era will soon be ending in San Diego, and all 16 of their die-hard fans must be thrilled with that news.

In honor of the Chargers’ rapid ascent up these Suck For Luck Power Rankings, here is the most disturbing image of Philip Rivers on the first page of a Google Image search for his name:

Image source: Pyromaniac

Ah, what the hell. Here’s another one:

Image source: Pyromaniac

My apologies in advance for any nightmares you have tonight.

4. Carolina Panthers (3-8)

Let’s not carried away with excitement here. You beat Indianapolis, and you allowed them to score 19 points. And congrats on running all over them, but everyone does that.

5. Cleveland Browns (4-7)

The Browns jumped out to an early lead over the Bengals, only to give it away to the clear #1 football team in the state of Ohio (since Ohio State is down this year).

But hey, at least Peyton Hillis was back! Maybe now he can start to recapture the magic of 2010. Assuming, of course, that he doesn’t get anymore sore throats or have any more shotgun weddings.

6. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-7)

The Bucs have now lost five in a row, and they actually make the Colts looks suffocating against the run. Chris Johnson hasn’t been able to juke a brown paper sack this year, yet he racked up 190 yards against the Bucs on Sunday.

The only question for this team now, with the playoffs clearly out of the question, is does Raheem Morris make it to next year? If the Bucs want to have any hope of not squandering the talent they’ve accumulated, I say the answer is no. We’ll see.

7. Philadelphia Eagles (4-7)

Yes, I think the Vikings and Dolphins, among others, would beat the Eagles right now. That is how bad this team is playing. Their coaches are yelling at eachother on the sidelines, Desean Jackson isn’t blatantly short-arming catch attempts, and good players are getting injured one right after another.

Side note: when Andy Reid gets his walking papers at the end of the year, and it’s becoming likely that he will, some team looking for a head coach (hello Dolphins!) better snatch him up quickly. I’ll agree that perhaps it’s time for a parting of the ways in Philly. Sometimes that happens, even to good coaches. Sometimes change is needed. But it doesn’t mean Reid is no longer a good, perhaps even great, NFL coach. I don’t think he’d stay unemployed for long.

Now, apropos of absolutely nothing, here is a video of a hippo releasing a little pressure after a second helping of Thanksgiving dinner.

8. Minnesota Vikings (2-9)

Yes, the Vikings have now replaced the Rams as the team I irrationally support despite their record. But seriously, the Vikings have played decent football in hanging tough at Atlanta without Adrian Peterson and almost coming back to beat Oakland. Can you honestly tell me you don’t think Minnesota could beat the seven teams above them on this list?

9. Seattle Seahawks (4-7)

You lose at home to Rex Grossman and the Redskins, you make this list. It’s as simple as that.

10. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-8)

Frankly, I kind of forgot about the Jaguars. Had I remembered them, I probably would have placed them in the 4-6 range because Blaine Gabbert sucks so much. But out of deference to the great Maurice Jones-Drew, who continues to play hard and churn out tons of yards in losing efforts, I’m going to keep the Jags here.

Seriously though, watch Gabbert in the pocket anytime anyone gets near him. He freezes up and braces for contact instead of standing in there like a man and delivering a throw (which I obviously would do if I were a professional football player). I wonder what Michael Imperioli would have to say about that after a few shots of 1800 tequila.

Honorable mention: Kansas City Chiefs (4-7), Washington Redskins (4-7), Arizona Cardinals (4-7), Buffalo Bills (5-6).

Honestly, all four of those teams deserved mention. There is a pretty clear line between the top 18 teams in the NFL and the bottom 14. So congrats to everyone who made this list! You officially suck.

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Combine Stanford’s loss to Oregon two weekend ago with Luck’s pedestrian numbers against Cal on Saturday (20-30, 257 yards, 2 TDs, 1 INT in a 31-28 win), and then mix in superlative performances by Baylor’s Robert Griffin III and USC’s Matt Barkley this past Saturday, and Luck doesn’t seem luck such a clear-cut #1 prospect any more, now does he?

Don’t get me wrong, Luck’s still the guy. If the NFL draft were held today, the Indianapolis Colts would snatch Luck up quicker than you can say “Peyton” and then deal with the ramifications later. Plus, we don’t even know if RG3 or Barkley are going to turn pro after this year.

Griffin surely won’t get the respect his performances and athletic ability deserve once NFL scouts start picking apart the simplicity of the offense he operates in, so he is unlikely to be a surefire top 10 pick. That, plus a desire to to win the Heisman (if he doesn’t this year) and take Baylor to even greater heights may compel him to stay in school.

As for Barkley, he has persevered through so much at USC while the school serves its punishment for crimes that happened before he got there. The Trojans have loads of talent and will be bowl eligible again next year. It seems reasonable to think he may want to stay for his senior year and finish what he started, though he’ll likely be projected as a higher pick than Griffin, making such a decision that much harder.

(Side note: remember when Landry Jones was discussed in the same sentence with these three guys? About that…)

Back to Luck.

Even with Griffin and Barkley seemingly closing the gap this weekend, Luck is still the guy I’d want my team taking if they had the chance. It’s become clear as the season has gone along that Luck simply doesn’t have great weapons to work with on offense, and that is depressing his still great numbers. For the season, Luck is still completing over 70% of his passes and has thrown 31 TDs against only 8 INTs.

So though some fans may be tempted to implore their teams to “stiffen for Griffin” or “keep missing the mark(ley) to get Barkley” (wow, that one sucks), Colts fans should still be hopeful that their team will maintain its “suck for Luck” trajectory. He still has franchise QB written all over him.

And now onto this week’s Suck for Luck Power Rankings, where not being #1 no longer looks quite so awful.

NFL Suck For Luck Power Rankings: Week 12

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1. Indianapolis Colts (0-10)

This is the first Monday that the Colts haven’t had to lament a loss all season. Score!

In celebration of the Colts not losing, here is a picture of Colts Jim Irsay and his smiling daughter Casey.

Image credit: Charlie Nye via The Indianapolis Star

2. St. Louis Rams (2-8)

That’s it. I’m done with the Rams.

I’ve supported this team all year, always ranking them lower in these rankings than their record or performance suggested. Why? I don’t know why. I guess because I foolishly keeping believing that Sam Bradford and Josh McDaniels will get this crappy offense going.

Well, when you get trounced at home by Tarvaris Jackson, Pete Carrol, and the Seahawks, you lose my support.

Sam Bradford “can’t believe how bad this season has been“? Join the club.

3. Carolina Panthers (2-8)

Here is another team that I’ve lost faith in. The Panthers were really playing well despite their 2-6 record before their bye came. Since then, they’ve gotten trounced by the Titans, and yesterday they gave up 49 points to Detroit in the process of blowing a big early lead.

Cam Newton is outstanding, and he continues to make the Panthers’ offense fun to watch, but you have to stop someone every now and again to win games. Considering new head coach Ron Rivera is a defensive-minded guy, hopefully he can get their defensive woes turned around. Maybe a high draft pick will help?

4. Washington Redskins (3-7)

The Redskins actually turned in an inspired performance yesterday in taking the Cowboys to overtime. They even had a chance to win, but Graham Gano’s field goal sailed wide and the Redskins once again snatched defeat from the jaws of victory.

The Redskins’ loss also included this bizarre play call from one of Mike Shanahan’s henchman…which really is a perfect visual representation for what Redskins football has become: inexplicable.

 GIF source: Imgur via Reddit

5. Arizona Cardinals (3-7)

I am ranking Arizona below the Rams, Panthers, and Redskins out of respect for Larry Fitzgerald, because he continues to be amazing. But my goodness is their QB situation awful. I know the 49ers have the best defense in the NFL, but that performance yesterday by John Skelton made Derek Anderson look like a Pro Bowler (again…remember when that happened?).

It’s not good when you’re longing for Kevin Kolb to be under center, but that’s what it has come to for Arizona.

6. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-7)

Congratulations, you lost to the Cleveland Browns. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

On the bright side, Blaine Gabbert threw for more than 100 yards! He actually tossed for 210 yards. But once again he did not throw a TD, and his yards per attempt was an anemic 5.1.

Is there anyone who wouldn’t take Luck, Barkley, or Griffin (hell, even Landry Jones) over Gabbert? I don’t think so. The Jags are going to regret this pick for a long time.

7. Cleveland Browns (4-6)

Has a team ever had an emptier four wins than Cleveland? They’ve beaten Indy, Miami back when the Dolphins were just giving games away, Seattle in a 6-3 barnburner, and the woeful Jags last week.

Bill Parcells famously said “you are what your record says you are” and I usually believe it. But come on. The Browns being “a 4-win team” is terribly false advertising. Yes, it’s technically true, but it implies some level of football competence. And those two words really never should be next to eachother when the subject is the Browns.

8. Minnesota Vikings (2-8)

Yeah, I probably have the Vikings too high, but consider this a continued show of respect for Adrian Peterson and Jared Allen. I think yesterday’s game against Oakland goes much differently if Peterson played the whole game, and I think the Vikings have actually found a QB they can build around, unlike everyone on this list except for Carolina (and maybe the Rams…maybe).

Also, I didn’t want to put the Vikings any higher on this list and make Drew Lange cry like a little girl. That would have been tragic.

9. San Diego Chargers (4-6)

As I perused the rest of the 4-6 teams, the Chargers stood out as the team playing the worst. They’ve dropped five straight and Philip Rivers is playing like absolute horsecrap. It’s shocking that a team that seemingly has so much talent could be so bad, but we’ve seen it from these Chargers year after year, with this recent five-game skid perhaps being the nadir.

A 14-2 season from Marty Schottenheimer doesn’t look so bad anymore, now does it?

In honor of one of the most unnecessarily disrespected good coaches in NFL history, here is Marty taking a Gatorade bath like an absolute boss.

10. Buffalo Bills (5-5)

I know that the Bills have a better record than Miami, Seattle, Tampa Bay, Kansas City, and Philadelphia, and that they’re even with Tennessee, the Jets, and Denver, but when you lose three straight games by a combined score of 106-26, and you’re having buyer’s remorse just a few weeks after signing your QB to a long-term contract extension, you get included in the Suck For Luck Rankings.

As for the honorable mentions, which I just mentioned, Kansas City better not get too comfortable. I’m keeping my eye on them, especially with Matt Cassel out and Tyler Palko not in. They face New England tonight on Monday Night Football, which very well could turn into a massacre. But hey, at least for this week, they’re better than the Bills!

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Got any gripes? That’s what the comment section is for. Have at it.

Don’t buy it.

No, Luck was not his usual spectacular self on Saturday night. He was 27-41 for 256 yards, 3TDs, and 2 INTs. Those are very good numbers, but not the other-worldly stats we’ve come to expect from the NFL’s Next Great Quarterback.

Still, I saw something from Luck on Saturday night that told me a lot about the kind of leader he is.

Late in the game, with the Cardinal needing a touchdown drive to cut the deficit to one possession, Luck threw a perfect strike to his wide receiver. Unfortunately, his receiver let the ball slip right through his hands, it deflected to an Oregon defender, and likethat Luck had thrown a pick 6 and the game was over.

How did Luck respond? Exactly how you’d want your leader to respond.

He immediately found the receiver – a freshman – on the sidelines and gave him an attaboy tap on the helmet, letting the clearly distraught freshman know his QB has his back.

Kirk Herbstreit pointed this out, and I concurred with the Prince of College Football’s statement that this was a great show of Luck’s leaderhsip. On a night when Luck was far from the perfect quarterback – he was merely very good as opposed to transcendent – he remained the perfect leader. For a quarterback, that’s an indispensable trait to have.

And I explain all of this to you for one reason: so Colts fans can feel better about their team frittering away what I thought was their last good chance to get a W. Colts fans, don’t listen to the unhype about Luck after Saturday. He’s still an amazing prospect. And he’s almost surely going to end up in Indianapolis now.

NFL “Suck For Luck” Power Rankings for Week 11

Here are this week’s Suck For Luck Power Rankings, which I post before Monday night’s game between the Vikings and Packers.

1. Indianapolis Colts (0-10)

I contemplated making this a one-team list and just calling it the Suck For Luck Power Ranking, because only the San Francisco 49ers and Green Bay Packers have bigger leads in their respective divisions than the Colts have in the Suck For Luck division.

What’s sad is that I actually thought the Colts would play well this week, what with it being their best chance to nab a W for the rest of the season. At a minimum I thought they’d keep it close and find a way to cover the three point spread. Instead, they lost 17-3 behind another porous effort from Curtis Painter.

At this point, I don’t really know what to say about the Colts. They are historically bad. A friend of mine on an email convo I’m privy to ran some geek numbers and figured out that the Colts are actually trending worse than the 2008 Lions team that finished 0-16. That’s not good.

All in all, I’d rate the Colts’ team performance this year at about, oh, 30 courics.

And here is the thought that just popped into my head immediately after realizing that Stan Marsh’s climactic deuce is the perfect metaphor for the Colts in 2011: the Colts angered the football gods a couple of years ago when they shat on the possibility of going undefeated, resting starters the final two weeks of the year after opening up with a 14-0 record, and they’ve been paying the piper ever since.

The gut punch loss in the Super Bowl. Peyton Manning’s injury. Everything about this season. If you can find reasonable evidence to suggest that pissed off football gods haven’t had a hand in this, please present it. (I don’t think you can.)

2. The NBA (0-2011)

No other team truly deserves to be #2, so I’m giving it to the NBA, which remains embroiled in a nasty lockout that isn’t really showing any signs of being solved soon. This means, of course, that Tyler Hansbrough cannot be a cure-all for the city of Indianapolis.

Whatever.

Frankly, I’ve always been a much bigger college basketball fan than an NBA fan, and I never really start paying attention to the NBA until after the new year. I know many of you do, so I hope it ends soon, but I’m kind of excited that what I think is going to be one of the best college basketball seasons in a while will get some extra attention.

3. Cleveland Browns (3-6)

I respect my Browns fan friends too much to post video of the missed field goal that sealed yet another crushing loss. (Plus, I just searched for it on YouTube and couldn’t find it within 10 seconds, which is my threshold for searching for something on the Internet before I give up.)

Instead, I’ll just post this video of Mike Polk, which all Browns fans can, unfortunately, relate to.

See you next week.

4. St. Louis Rams (2-7)

The Rams are still a game worse than Cleveland, and really should have lost that game, so it’s hard to put them too far behind Cleveland, especially when many of the other teams who would be in contention for this spot won.

I still like the Rams moving forward, still think they can get some Ws, and maybe Lady Luck smiling down upon them can start some positive momentum building.

Now, in St. Louis-related news that St. Louisians will actually care about, friend of MSF Matt Sebek (he of Joe Sports Fan) reported this weekend that “the (alleged) Photoshops of Albert Pujols in Miami uniform are starting to trickle out.” Here is one of them:

YYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

5. Carolina Panthers (2-7)

Whoa…what was that Carolina?

I have been firmly on this team’s bandwagon so far this season, but I was not expected a putrid performance like that against Tennessee. With so many other teams on this list winning last week, I can’t justify ranking any of them above the Panthers. Let’s hope that’s not a sign of how Camolina is going to finish what has been an otherwise very promising season.

6. Washington Redskins (3-6)

The Redskins were 3-1 at one time. They have now lost five in row, culminating in yesterday’s 11-point loss to the surging Miami Dolphins. This loss was compounded by Mike Shanahan pissing off every fantasy football owner Sunday morning by announcing that Rex Grossman and Ryan Torain would start over John Beck and Roy Helu.

And why would Shanahan do such a thing? Because he can. And because he loathes your very existence on this earth, you pumpkin-pie haircutted, fantasy football playing freak.

Of course, he also apparently hates winning now too, so don’t feel bad.

As for Redskins fans, there’s always golf.

Image source: Jim Grant via Deadspin

7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-5)

When, exactly, did this team win four games? My lasting impression of them is getting hammered by the 49ers and then pulverized yesterday by the Texans. Their combined margin of loss in those two games: 7,541 points.

Do you realize that Tampa Bay, despite having four wins, is one of only four teams in the NFL with a point differential of minus-70 or more? This supposed young team on the rise is much further away that people thought, and there were several times yesterday when I looked up at the Bucs-Texans game and thought Tampa Bay had just quit on a play.

But I’m sure that once Albert Haynesworth gets more assimilated into the locker room his unyielding effort and motor will rub off on his teammates and prevent any further quitting.

8. Kansas City Chiefs (4-5)

Why am I putting another 4-win team on this list before the many 3- and even 2-win teams who would seem more deserving? Because, like Tampa Bay, Kansas City is one of the four teams with a point differential of minus-77 or more. And over the last two weeks the Chiefs have been beaten by 28 points by a previously winless teams and lost a division game in which their opponent completed…two passes.

In the wake of the Chiefs’ latest collapse, the always magnanimous Todd Haley was nice enough to record a message for all Chiefs fans expressing his commitment to delivering a good football team for the rest of the season.

9. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-6)

The Jags probably shouldn’t have plummeted this far in the rankings after a win over Indy, which is so inevitable it should barely count more than a tie. But the Jags do play good defense, and I would pick them to beat any of the teams above on a neutral field. Like the Dolphins, I have to give the Jags credit for continuing to play hard. Jacksonville may not be very good, but you can’t say they are underachieving.

Unlike…

10. Philadelphia Eagles (3-6)

The Eagles actually have a positive point differential on the season (+17), mostly because of their demolition of the Cowboys a few weeks back. But when you’re supposed to be a “Dream Team” and you’re 3-6 after a home loss to a team quarterbacked by John Skelton, you have to be on the list of the 10 worst teams in the NFL.

By the way, I now view this picture in a completely different light after the events of this weekend.

Image credit: Carolyn Caster via Lehigh Valley Live

Just missed: Miami Dolphins (2-7); Minnesota (2-6); Seattle Seahawks and Arizona Cardinals (3-6)

For the record, I am shocked that I got through these rankings without the Dolphins, Seahawks, and Cardinals making it. But you know what? I think they’ve earned it. All three of those teams have continued playing hard and are winning some tough, close games. That’s much more than I can say about the other teams on this list, all of whom Suck…but clearly only one team is doing it for Luck.

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Now your thoughts. Where am I right? Where am I wrong? The comment section awaits your ire and indignation.

Fortunately for Colts fans, the winlessness could end this weekend. The hapless Jacksonville Jaguars and their bumbling rookie QB Blaine Gabbert come to town on Sunday, giving the Colts their best chance of achieving victory in 2011. I even picked them to, at a minimum, cover the 3-point spread.

Should the Colts find a way to vanquish Jack Del Rio’s crew, then this Reddit post I was just thoroughly entertained by may prove to be the nadir of the Colts’ awful, ignominious season.

Here is how it began, innocently enough, with just a simple newspaper clipping warning the citizens of Indianapolis about some inclement weather.

You’ve surely seen this joke before, perhaps in relation to the Bengals, or Browns, or some other sad sack NFL franchise. It’s an oldie but a goodie; I just certainly never expected to see it in relation to the Colts.

The image as then, of course, followed the inevitable pun run that social media comment sections are known for. For me, these never get old:

Hey, at least it ends with a positive note about their potential to get Andrew Luck, right?

Further down in the comment section, however, the negativity returns with this hurtful (but highly accurate) anecdote told by user purduecation:

I am referring, of course, to Peyton Manning and Andrew Luck, two quarterbacks whose futures become ever more entwined as the Colts get closer and closer to having the first pick in next April’s draft (and as the news about Manning’s neck continues to worsen).

We’ve had some fun it with it here on MSF, posting weekly “Suck 4 Luck” Power Rankings every Monday. And they’ve certainly had fun with it on ESPN, where for the last 48 hours, on pretty much every one of their motormouthing talk shows, gas bags have been debating what the Colts should do if and when they get the #1 pick and Peyton Manning is healthy enough to play again.

I thought we were going overboard mentioning it once a week, but ESPN has walked the plank the last two days. I realize they do this because it’s what people want to hear talked about, but people only want to hear it talked about because Luck has been so endlessly hyped up by the ESPNs of the world in the first place. It’s a vicious and in many ways worthless cycle.

But the futures of you, me, and almost everybody else are not affected by this cycle. The future of Luck is affected, however, because he is now seen by desperate teams and fan bases across the NFL as some kind of savior sent from the Plant Elway by the Grace of Unitas to rescue one lucky franchise from the depths of NFL purgatory.

Which got me to thinking: that must kind of suck…for Luck. So I made a photo story about it.

If you don’t see the photo story below, click here to view in a separate window.

Note: Hat tip to our buddy @BlkSportsOnline for coining the nickname “Thor” for Curtis Painter.

If you liked the photo story above, you’ll almost surely enjoy our most popular one from 2010: “Desperate Measures” – Peyton Manning’s Frantic Quest To Save The Colts’ Season.

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What do you think about the Andrew Luck hype? Is it overblown? Is it unfair to him?

And how about the Colts? How would you approach the offseason if Peyton Manning is deemed healthy enough to resume playing in 2012?

The comment section is there if you want to discuss.

Without question, the story of the first half of the season (other than this) has been the ascent of the Detroit Lions.

They went 0-16 three years ago, then 2-14 in Jim Schwartz’s first year, then 6-10 last year; and now halfway through their 2011 slate Detroit, sitting at 6-2, is a bona fide contender in the NFC. And the Lions aren’t just an empty record either. They have the skill, attitude, reputation, and right now the health (knock on wood) to suggest that they aren’t going away.

So in honor of the Motor City Mufasas, and their roaring wreakers of wreckage Ndamukong Suh and Calvin Johnson, I give to you my Midseason NFL Power Rankings, with each team presented alongside a Motown classic that sums up the first half of its season.

The great Berry Gordy and Ndamukong Suh

1. Green Bay Packers (7-0) – “Higher Ground” by Stevie Wonder

After an uneven regular season in 2010, the Packers caught fire all the way to the Super Bowl. Along the way, Aaron Rodgers nudged his way into the Manning-Brady-Brees stratosphere of NFL quarterbacks.

Through seven games in 2011, the Packers haven’t missed a beat, and Rodgers has catapulted himself into the rarest of air: the undisputed #1 quarterback in football, and he’s on pace to complete the most efficient statistical season a quarterback has ever had.

As Stevie sings:

Lovers keep on lovin’
Believers keep on believin’
Sleepers just stop sleepin’

…

Gonna keep on tryin’
Till I reach my highest ground

Indeed, the Packers/Rodgers lovers and believers need to keep doing what they’re doing, and any remaining sleepers need to wake up to the reality that Rodgers is the best player in football.

If he hasn’t already reached the highest ground, it’s going to be amazing to see just how deadly the Packers’ offense is once he’s there.

2. San Francisco 49ers (6-1) – “Reach Out, I’ll Be There” by The Four Tops

Know this about the resurgent 49ers and their badass first year head coach Jim Harbaugh: at the end of the game, reach out and he’ll be the there…ready to shake your head after kicking your team’s butt. (Just try not to take it personally.)

And in case you needed any more reason why this is the perfect song choice for the 2011 take-no-prisoners 49ers, pay attention to the lyrics. Replace “girl” and “darling” with “Alex” (for Alex Smith), “I’ll” with “We’ll”, plus a few other subtle changes, and it might as well be a pregame Harbaugh speech to his much-maligned but improving QB.

Now if you feel that you can’t go on,
Because all of your hope is gone,
And your life is filled with much confusion,
Until happiness is just an illusion,
And your world around is crumbling down, Alex,
(Reach out) Come on Alex reach on out for me,
(Reach out) Reach out for me,
We’ll be there with a running game that will shelter you,
We’ll be there with a defense that will see you through,

See what I mean?

3. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-2) – “Ain’t Nothing Like the Real Thing” by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell

I’m not sure what that was from Pittsburgh in Week 1, but it was most certainly not the real Steelers that we’ve come to know and appreciate.

Over the Steelers’ last four games though, we’ve started to see the real Steelers emerge again, just with a little more passing than running, and it’s been a good reminder that in the NFL there ain’t nothing like the real thing; and it doesn’t get much more real in professional football than the Steelers.

4. Detroit Lions (6-2) – “Just My Imagination” by The Temptations

For years, decades really, Lions fans have had to watch the success of other franchises and pretend it was their own. Losing season after losing season, all the Lions had was their imagination if they wanted to cheer for a winner.

Not anymore.

Now all Lions fans need to do is use their imaginations to conjure up a future in which Matthew Stafford plays 16 games, because if he does, this team is ready to make its long-awaited return to the postseason. And they won’t be an easy out.

5. Baltimore Ravens (5-2) – “I Second That Emotion” by Smokey Robinson and The Miracles

After the Ravens’ offense sputtered against the Jags, Terrell Suggs publicly questioned the offensive gameplan. Surprisingly, Ravens coach John Harbaugh seconded Suggs’ emotion, agreeing that Ray Rice and Anquan Boldin needed to get the ball more.

One week later Cam Cameron and Joe Flacco got the notion, and the Ravens are back to their winning ways after Rice scored three TDs and Boldin topped 100 yards receiving.

6. New England Patriots (5-2) – “It’s The Same Old Song” by The Four Tops

An offense built around their statuesque quarterback who throws 40+ times every game, without much of a running game to speak of? Check.

A defense that gives up tons of yards, hopes to be “bend but don’t break” as a best case scenario, and is undeniably poor in the secondary and at rushing the passer? Check.

Sound familiar? That’s pretty much what the Patriots have been for the last three seasons, and for the last three seasons they’ve underwhelmed fans and pundits alike once January has rolled around. I’m struggling to find any reason to think this season will end any differently.

7. New Orleans Saints (5-3) – “What’s Going On” by Marvin Gaye

I don’t really feel like New Orleans deserves to be ranked this high, especially after what we witnessed from them last week and in their recent loss to Tampa Bay. Sandwiched in between those two defeats, however, was a thorough ass-kicking of the Indianapolis Colts; and anytime you beat another NFL team 62-7 it means, well, something.

The Saints still have Drew Brees, they still have weapons galore on offense, and they still have Sean Payton calling the shots. This outfit won a Super Bowl not too long ago, and they deserve the benefit of the doubt…for now. But they need to figure out what’s going on before far too many mothers, brothers, and fathers in The Bayou are left crying from another debacle like that loss to the Rams.

8. New York Giants (5-2) – “Ball of Confusion” by The Temptations

Is any good team more of a ball of confusion from year to year, week to week, and even quarter to quarter than the New York Giants? No.

Yet despite the ups and downs, here are the Giants sitting atop the NFC East with Eli Manning playing the best football of his career. Go figure.

9. Houston Texas (5-3) – “It Takes Two” by Marvin Gaye and Kim Weston

The song choice for the Texans is obvious from the first two lines:

One can have a dream, baby
Two can make that dream so real

For a while now, the Texans and their fans have had dreams of going to the playoffs, but unfortunately they only had one side of the ball that functioned competently. Not anymore. Wade Phillips has taken a defense that was an embarrassment last year and made it respectable, even weathering the loss of Mario Williams.

It does indeed take two – an offense and a defense – to make playoff dreams real. Could this be the season it finally happens in Houston?

10. Buffalo Bills (5-2) – “Papa Was a Rolling Stone” by The Temptations

The “papa” of these young Bills is head coach Chan Gailey, and he has indeed been a rolling stone during his coaching career. Buffalo is the 19th different coaching job Gailey has had since 1974. I know how transient of a profession coaching can be, but that is a lot of moving around.

Regardless, he has these Bills on the right track, sitting atop the AFC East.

11. New York Jets (4-3) – “Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch” by The Four Tops

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not sure the Jets have earned this high a spot in the rankings. They are on a two game winning streak, but beating the Dolphins and the apparently hapless Chargers isn’t all that impressive. Still, the Jets and their bombastic head coach cannot seem to help themselves: they always talk, they always struggle for parts of seasons, yet they always get it going when the weather gets cold. They’ve made two straight AFC Championship Games, so we can’t count them out yet.

(Note: there are also plenty of jokes that could be made in reference to Rex Ryan enjoying slices of sugar pie and handfuls of honey bunch, but I’ll refrain. Who do I look like…Joe Namath?)

12. Philadelphia Eagles (3-4) – “Uptight (Everything’s Alright)” by Steve Wonder

I know that fans in Cincinnati and all over the AFC West and NFC South are going to be apoplectic at the under-.500 Eagles being 12th above their favorite teams, but what can I say? This team is loaded with talent, and I think they’d beat all of the teams below them (including more than a few above them) if they played right now.

So, Philly fans, what are you so uptight about? As long as you’ve got Andy Reid, everything is all right. Until the playoffs at least…

13. Atlanta Falcons (4-3) – “Shotgun” by Jr. Walker and the All Stars

I predicted that the Falcons would miss the playoffs before the season started, and I’m not backing off that prediction at all, though I have been impressed by their last two victories.

During the offseason, the Falcons tried to remake their offense from a tank into a shotgun with the hyperathletic Julio Jones added to the team at a high cost. It appeared early on that Ryan and the Falcons were trying to justify the cost while forgetting about their bread and butter: Michael Turner.

Things have changed.

Turner is back leading the offense and the Falcons are winning. The question is how long can Turner withstand another season of pounding. We’ll see.

14. Cincinnati Bengals (5-2) – “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell

The Bengals had to deal with QB turmoil all offseason, limped into the regular season with rookies leading them at QB and WR, have had to deal with Cedric Benson’s continued legal troubles, and they lost corner Jonathan Joseph in the offseason. Also, certain Midwestern sports bloggers predicted the Bengals would finish with the worst record in the league. Yet all Marvin Lewis and the Bengals have shown is that there ain’t no football mountain high enough to keep this underrated team down this season.

At least so far.

Cincy’s wins are against Cleveland, Jacksonville, Buffalo, Seattle, and Indianapolis, and they still have four games coming up against Pittsburgh and Baltimore. This is why I’m not sold on the Bengals and have them at 14th. But if they can keep climbing mountains, this could be the most unlikely playoff team of 2011.

15. Kansas City Chiefs (4-3) – “Since I Lost My Baby” by The Temptations

The Chiefs have reeled off four straight wins since I ranked them #1 in my inaugural Suck 4 Luck Power Rankings, a winning streak that has moved them all the way into a first place tie in the AFC West. This has Chiefs fans seeing sun shining (yes, plenty of light), a new day dawning (so sunny and bright), and even birds signing and children playing.

But the reality is that without young stars Jamaal Charles, Eric Berry, and Tony Moeaki, all of whom the Chiefs lost early in the year to season-ending injuries, the Chiefs’ chances of going any further than they did last year – a first round playoff blowout – are slim to none.

16. San Diego Chargers (4-3) – “Hello” by Lionel Richie

It’s fitting that the Chargers are one spot behind the Chiefs, because they were one successful QB-center exchange away from beating them last night.

If I had time, I would create a YouTube video with the ball Rivers’ fumbled away singing this Lionel Richie ballad to him. It’s the kind of thing the Internet was invented for. Can’t you just see the ball rolling around on the ground plaintively singing these words to Rivers while the QB laments his “worst day ever“:

Hello!
Is it me you’re looking for?
’cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely?
Or is someone loving you?

17. Oakland Raiders (4-3) – “Ain’t Too Proud To Beg” by The Temptations

The Raiders are a hard team to figure out right now since we have no idea a) what they will get from Carson Palmer and b) if their offensive workhorse Darren McFadden can stay healthy enough all year to keep the pressure off of Palmer.

But we do know one thing: the Raiders were not begging nor pleading for anyone’s sympathy once Jason Campbell went down. They slept on Mike Brown’s doorstep and even let everyone laugh, because they wanted Carson Palmer any way they could get him. Now they have him, and we’ll see if they can just keep winning, baby.

18. Dallas Cowboys (3-4) – “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye

Did the Cowboys even have a Week 8 game? They did? Really? Because the only time I saw a Cowboy show up last week is Tony Romo when he announced that he and his new wife are expecting.

So since I have nothing constructive to say about Dallas’ no show on Sunday night, let’s honor the soon-to-be parents. Take it away Marvin.

19. Chicago Bears (4-3) – “You Keep Me Hanging On” by The Supremes

I tend not to trust teams that have severe offensive line issues, which is why the Bears fall towards the back of the teams bunched at 3-4 wins.

I also wouldn’t trust the Bears if I were Matt Forte, who I think is much closer to Adrian Peterson than Chris Johnson in terms of being deserving of a new contract. Can anyone blame Forte for feeling like the Bears are just keeping him hanging on? I mean really Jerry Angelo. If you’re not going to #paytheman, set him free why don’t ya?

20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-3) – “Brick House” by The Commodores

Tampa Bay was another supposedly up-and-coming team that I didn’t trust heading into the season. They’ve scratched together four wins, but they have looked pretty bad along the way at times.

So in honor of the bricks they’ve thrown up against San Francisco and the first half of the Chicago game in London, not to mention Josh Freeman’s 10 interceptions, here are The Commodores singing about bricks in a much different context.

21. Minnesota Vikings (2-6) – “All Night Long” by Lionel Richie

You know that Adrian Peterson is called “AD” because he can run all day long. Now that Minnesota has handed the reins of its offense over to rookie Christian Ponder, Peterson may have to run all day and all night long to help ease the rook’s transition.

Peterson is more than capable, and the Vikings – who have played better than their record – are more than capable of winning 4-5 of their remaining games if Ponder can just provide adequate play under center.

22. St. Louis Rams (1-6) – “You Can’t Hurry Love” by The Supremes

No, I’m not insane. I’m well aware that before last weekend’s trouncing of the Saints, the Rams hadn’t beaten anyone and hadn’t even really come close. Just consider me to be buying low on the Rams, and when they finish with 5-6 wins, remember that you heard it here first.

You can’t hurry a connection between a new offensive coordinator, an offensive line, and a young QB, but Sam Bradford and Josh McDaniels will get everyone on the same page. Having Brandon Lloyd will help, and having a leader like Steven Jackson to make sure no one mails it in will also keep these Rams on a forward trajectory all season.

23. Carolina Panthers (2-6) – “ABC” by The Jackson 5

Am I drinking the Cam Newton Kool-Aid after 8 games? You’re dadgum right I am, so much so that I came up with 20 teams who, hypothetically speaking of course, should trade their QB for right now for Newton.

I did not think Newton would have an easy transition to the NFL, but he’s made playing quarterback look as easy as A-B-C, 1-2-3. What he has not found so easy to do yet is win, but that will come. He needs more experience and a better team around him, but the Panthers are a team on the rise that no one will want to face in the second half of the season.

24. Tennessee Titans (4-3) – “Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I’m Yours” by Stevie Wonder

In case you were wondering, no, I’m not sold on the Titans.

A win over the Colts does not impress me, nor did the Titans’ previous two non-competitive games against Pittsburgh and Houston. This team was looking good when Kenny Britt was around and emerging as a top receiver, but they seem lost without him.

But hey, at least Chris Johnson is signed, sealed, delivered, and yours, right Tennessee? Or not…

25. Cleveland Browns (3-4) – “Money (That’s What I Want)” by Barrett Strong

In case you hadn’t heard, money is what Peyton Hillis wants. He is not, however, willing to play through strep throat or maintain community commitments in his quest to leverage one partial good season into, apparently, $10 million per yer.

I probably shouldn’t be so hard on the guy. If I were a running back for the Browns, against whom defenses can load up eight men in the box on every play, I might not be so motivated to play either.

26. Washington Redskins (3-4) – “Mercy, Mercy Me” by Marvin Gaye

When your only quarterback choices are Rex Grossman or John Beck, how can Redskins fans or even Mike Shanahan himself say anything other than mercy, mercy me?

The Redskins got off to a fast start this season, but things ain’t what they used to be. With such putrid play under center and so many injuries on offense, a turnaround doesn’t appear to be coming. Redskins fans will just have to keep wondering where did all the blue skies go?

27. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-6) – “Shop Around” by Smokey Robinson and The Miracles

So the Jaguars beat a disinterested Baltimore team in a defensive slopfest a few weeks back. So what?

This team is still going nowhere fast, and even the one positive Jags fans might have been able to take from this season – that the team had finally found a franchise QB – doesn’t seem to be coming to fruition. Based on what I’ve seen from Blaine Gabbert so far this year, I’d say to the Jags that they’d better shop around.

28. Seattle Seahawks (2-5) – “I Want You Back” by The Jackson 5

In Pete Carroll’s first season, the Seahawks made an improbable run to the second round of the NFC Playoffs thanks to playing the in the terrible NFC West. No one in the NFC West seemingly did much to improve themselves in the offseason (who saw the 49ers run coming?), so what does Seattle do to keep the forward momentum going? They get rid of Matt Hasselbeck to turn their most important position on the field over to Charvaris Jackhurst.

Think they might want Hasselbeck and his 89.2 QB rating back now?

29. Arizona Cardinals (1-6) – “What Becomes Of The Brokenhearted” by Jimmy Ruffin

In Super Bowl 43, the Arizona Cardinals indeed became the brokenhearted when Ben Roethlisberger’s pass connected with Santonio Holmes in the corner of the end zone. So what becomes of the brokenhearted in football, who had a good QB who’s now departed? Everything goes to hell and a handbasket, apparently.

After your borderline Hall of Fame quarterback retires and you suffer through an awful season with basically no QB, you know you’ve got to find some kind of peace of mind for your All-World wide receiver. So you overpay for a guy who hasn’t proven he can be a competent starter, he doesn’t get any better, and all the while your defense gets worse and worse.

So, again, what becomes of the brokenhearted? In the case of Cardinals fans, you just go back to how things were before.

30. Denver Broncos (2-5) – “Dancing In The Streets” by Martha and the Vandellas

No matter what happens at the end of the Tim Tebow experience, they’ll be dancing in Dennnnnnver…and there will still surely be opinions everywhere.

Either fans of Tim Tebow will be dancing because he’s proven his worth as a starting QB in the NFL, or the Johns Fox and Elway will be dancing because they can jettison Tebow and get a QB who fits their ideal.

But either way, dancing.

31. Miami Dolphins (0-7) – “Stop! In The Name Of Luck!” by The Supremes

Do you see what I did with the title there?

This is what every Dolphins fan is imploring their team to do every time they have a promising drive or a second half lead. So far, the Dolphins have proven to be epic failures in the 4th quarters of games, which may just be the best thing for the franchise’s future.

Though the players and coaches don’t want to hear it, nor should they, Dolfans and owner Stephen Ross would like the team to stop coming so damn close to winning, and they certainly would like the Colts to stop losing…all in the name of Luck.

32. Indianapolis Colts (0-8) – “Where Did Our Love Go?” by The Supremes

Yep, two straight songs by The Supremes to end it. And why not? At this point I’m not convinced that on the football field Diana Ross and The Supremes would do any worse that Curtis Painter and The Colts or Matt Moore and the Dolphins.

So many lyrics snippets from this song could very well be things that Colts players have uttered verbatim during one of their eight horrific losses this season, with the their plaintive utterances directed at either Peyton Manning or their fans, who abandon them more and more with each demoralizing loss.

Baby, baby
Baby don’t leave me
Ooh, please don’t leave me
All by myself

…

Now that I surrender
So helplessly

…

Where did our love go
And all your promisses
Of a love forever more

You get the idea.

But if all Colts fans have to endure in between decades of success with franchise QBs is one terrible season, I and many others will resent them more than we already do.

###

There are my rankings, and each team’s corresponding Motown classic.

As always, I encourage your agreement, disagreement, and constructive criticisms below, both for the rankings and the song choices.

And now, because it’s one of my all-time favorite Motown songs but I couldn’t find a great team to assign it too, I’ll send you off into the comment section with one more classic tune from the great Marvin Gaye.