There are lots of interesting, Midwest sports specific posts I could be writing right now. Cliff Lee may get traded to Philly and be out of the White Sox hair for the foreseeable future. SportsbyBrooks has a great story about what Mark Buehrle is doing for Dewayne Wise to thank him for saving his perfect game. For crying out loud, this story at least deserves some mention on a site that has previously proclaimed its pride in this, doesn’t it?

But no, rather than expound upon those compelling stories I am about to indulge in what I can only describe as a self-masochistic flight of nightmarish fancy.  Why?  I guess the best explanation I can give is that sometimes as bloggers we don’t write the stories…they just kind of write themselves. (At least that is the excuse I will use to rationalize what you are about to read.)

It all started about a half hour ago when, after eating lunch here at the office, I decided to shirk a few of the day job responsibilities to write a post here at MSF.  And I didn’t feel like simply taking a hot story and adding my own personal second-hand commentary about it.  I wanted to do something stupid, unnecessary, and lame different, original, and unique. And I wanted it to somehow revolve around White Sox savior rookie Gordon Beckham.

I’m not sure what exactly prompted me to want to write about Beckham, although I’m sure it had something to do with the short debate I got into earlier with a few of the Texas Rangers fans who also inhabit our offices. Basically, they said that they wouldn’t trade Elvis Andrus straight up for Beckham. I said they were fools and would, but just wouldn’t admit it, and then uttered a few of my usual derogatory statements about them just being desperate Rangers fans who are drunk with giddiness at finally being able to watch July baseball games that have some meaning.

Of course, I was right on all fronts.

Anyway, I wanted to write about Gordon Beckham, and I remembered seeing a picture of him a few days ago after which a thought flashed into my head that his tightly coiffed blonde hair made him somewhat resemble my childhood hero Zack Morris. So I thought that perhaps doing a tale of the tape between the 1990s badass and the future 2010s badass could make for a compelling blog post. 

And in the initial research for said post is when I stumbled upon one of the most horrific, terrifying, and downright dumbfounding facts that I never knew I didn’t know. Fellow former Saved By The Bell fans, prepare to have your heart stop momentarily and for oxygen to be cut off from your brain for a brief instant when I share with you this frightening thought:

Brian Austin Green was originally cast as the lead character in the pilot for Good Morning Miss Bliss, the original incarnation of Saved By The Bell.  Here is the proof:

In the pilot, the main “student” character was played by Brian Austin Green (of Beverly Hills, 90210 fame), but his character’s name wasn’t Zack Morris. Instead, Green played a super-serious student who always wore business suits. Another student character was played by Jaleel White (of Family Matters fame).

Ostensibly, from the way the above referenced page is written, this fact was contained in the E! True Hollywood story about Saved By The Bell. I don’t watch E!, however, so I was never made aware of this information. 

While it appears as if the original main student character played by Green was nothing close to the Zack Morris character that we all came to know and love, the idea of this guy playing the lead role of the most seminal show about growing up in the 1990s is mind-boggling. I mean, back then Brian Austin Green was a hell of a lot closer to being Screech than he was to being Zack.

And there is always this. That clown couldn’t have even sung backup vocals for the Zack Attack:

[Editor's Note: Couldn't find video of the actual episode where Casey Casem introduces the Zack Attack and you see the actual band playing. However, during his recent appearance on the Jimmy Fallon show, Mark-Paul Gosselaar did an updated version of the song with the roots. Watch it below.]

Anyway, while Green has obviously redeemed himself in recent years by dating Megan Fox, he wouldn’t have had a shot in hell back then with Kelly Kapowski. No way. Furthermore, while Green gets some bonus points for the Fox relationship, he doesn’t exactly have that on lockdown, if you know what I mean. From The New York Daily News:

OK! claims that Megan Fox and on-again, off-again boyfriend Brian Austin Green have worked out a deal. “They’ve agreed to an open relationship where Megan can see other men but Brian can’t date anyone else,” says the mag, and she has six months to decide if she wants to marry him.

What?

Look, she’s attractive, and as dudes sometimes you gotta do what you have to do, and then do a little extra for the really hot ones, but you better believe that Mark-Paul Gosselaar would either have those loose ends sewn up…or be done with it. (Plus, no level of hotness can compensate for significant levels of crazy…and the more I read about Megan Fox, the more she qualifies for crazy.)

Anyway, I think Steve Stifler put it best when he said:

And if someone can direct that quite at you legitimately, then you are not and never were worthy of the lead role in Saved By The Bell.

I shudder to think about what kinds of lessons the impressionable youths of the 90s would have learned from a Brian Austin Green-led Saved By The Bell. Would he have taught us about the importance of environmental conservation and the evils of unbridled greed? Would he have been able to save the Max? And damnit, would Brian Austin F’ing Green have been man enough after being fleeced by the ultra-cool facade of Rod Belding to swallow his pride and admit he was wrong, and that Mr. Belding was definitely the better Belding?

I don’t think so. And a generation of 90s kids would be worse off because of it.

So all I have to say is Halelujah that the original pilot fell flat on its face and was retooled before being rolled out again. I’m not sure I’d want to live in a world in which Zack Morris never existed, and his only incarnation was some business-suit-wearing, white-boy-gangsta-rapping, girlfriend-has-his-bits-in-a-jar hack.

But…somehow…that’s not even the most harrowing What If thought I had today. Quite the contrary actually.  After reading about the original cast of Good Morning Miss Bliss, I wondered to myself if there was anything else that could possibly have made the 1990s more drastically different. My first thought: Frank Thomas not being on the Chicago White Sox.

So I decided to go back to the 1989 draft and see what other players the White Sox could have taken with their 1st round selection that year, the 7th overall, and then where The Big Hurt might have ended up had the White Sox passed on him. And the likely outcome is so much worse than Brian Austin Green starring in Saved By The Bell that I’d rather do this in my office right now than even think about it:

Here are picks 7-15 from the 1989 MLB draft:

• 7 – Frank Thomas, 1B, White Sox
• 8 – Earl Cunningham, OF, Cubs
• 9 – Kyle Abbott, LHP, Angels
• 10 – Charles Johnson, C, Expos
• 11 – Calvin Murray, 3B, Indians
• 12 – Jeff Juden, RHP, Astros
• 13 – Brent Mayne, C, Royals
• 14 – Steve Hosey, OF, Giants
• 15 – Kiki Jones, RHP, Dodgers

I would have to assume that had the White Sox passed on Thomas, they likely would have picked one of the next 10 or so guys. Other than Charles Johnson, who was an All Star as an above-average defensive catcher, there was not another good player picked until 23rd when the Red Sox took Mo Vaughn. 

Now, if I’m being optimistic and said that the White Sox were committed to taking a 1B in 1989, Vaughn was the next 1B selected after Thomas. So perhaps the White Sox would have simply swapped one gargantuan, power-hitting first baseman for another. But still, Vaughn had a relatively short peak and then fell victim to the sharp decline that so many huge power hitters face. He may have been comparable for a few years, but he’s no Frank Thomas.

Even worse, look at what moribund, pathetic franchise was slotted right behind the White Sox in the 1989 draft: the Cubs.

Even though the Cubs drafted Mark Grace in 1985, and he made his MLB debut in May of 1988, isn’t it conceivable that they could have plucked The Big Hurt at #8 anyway? Grace was a high school basketball player, so you would think he had decent athletic ability back then. Maybe they move him to third or to a corner outfield spot, paving the way for Frank Thomas and Ryne Sandberg to own the city of Chicago and all of baseball in the early 90s as one of the greatest 1B-2B combos in MLB history.

The one silver lining to this nightmarish thought is that Ryne Sandberg had the best year of his career in 1990 (40 HRs, 100 RBI, 116 R, .306 BA), the same year that Frank Thomas broke into the Bigs and played in 60 games. So at least Sandberg’s peak would not have overlapped with Thomas’. The Cubs finished 77-85 in 1990.

However, what might have happened in 1991 and 1992?

The Cubs went 77-83 and 78-84 respectively in those two seasons, with Sandberg still playing very well. Although Thomas had not yet reached his peak (which would come between 1993-1997, five of his top six OPS seasons), he still went .318-32-109-104 in 1991 and .323-24-115-108 in 1992. Might that have made the Cubs good enough to compete for the NL East pennant and possibly *gasp* a World Series?

And though Sandberg started to decline in 1993, the Cubs actually improved to 84-78. Can you imagine if they had gotten an MVP season from Frank Thomas on top of that? 

I am breaking out into hives just typing this.

Honestly, none of this is even remotely likely, even if the White Sox had passed on Big Frank. Mark Grace was the 1B of the future and we all know that the Cubs suck too much to have ever stumbled onto such fortuitous serendipity. Plus, maybe Frank would have ended up like the Cubs actual selection in 1989, Earl Cunningham, and never made it to the Majors. (Okay, now that is what is not even remotely likely.)

Regardless, the thought of Frank Thomas having been a star on the North Side is enough to give any White Sox fan a sleepless night or two. As will the next thought, as I tie together the two seemingly disjointed What If scenarios posited above.

Remember Steve Bartman? Of course you do.  What Chicago baseball fan could forget him. Well, according to Wikipedia, the most notorious Chicago baseball fan in history graduated high school in 1995 and was 26 years old at the time of “The Incident.” This means that Bartman was in middle school and his first few years of high school during the heydey of Saved By The Bell. Naturally, we can only assume that Bartman watched Saved By The Bell regularly, because…well…didn’t everyone?

But in a bizarro world as described above, in which the essence of cool (Zack Morris) is replaced by Brian Austin Green and in which Frank Thomas is a Chicago Cub, isn’t possible that Steve Bartman might have become a White Sox fan instead?  Think about it: Bartman obviously reveled in rooting for a losing franchise, and with Frank Thomas on the other side of town it would have been the White Sox, not the Cubs, that were pathetic throughout the 90s.

As Marty McFly once taught us, when you start messing with the Space-Time Continuum, things can get f’d up that you never imagined.

And to take it one terrifying step further, if Steve Bartman were a White Sox fan he probably would have attended Game 2 of the 2005 ALDS between the White Sox and Angels. And maybe he would have had seats behind home plate instead of down the third base line. And maybe when that infamous third strike bounced, and the ump signaled out with his hand, Steve Bartman — unable to control the level of his voice because he was wearing headphones — would have yelled “OUT!” at the top of his lungs. And maybe AJ Pierzynski would have heard him, thought it was the ump, and not hustled to first base. If so, the White Sox would have lost, would have been down 0-2 as they headed out West, and perhaps the South Siders would be the Chicago team still lamenting the fact that they haven’t won a World Series in over a century.

My apologies to any Good Guys who read this post and are unable to remove such a frightening hypothesis from their subconscious. But now do you see why it’s so important why Mark-Paul Gosselaar ending up playing Zack Morris in Saved By The Bell, and — although it’s obvious — why it’s so important that the White Sox drafted Frank Thomas one spot ahead of the Cubs?

So, now that I have outlined my two biggest What If Nightmares from the 1990s — both of which thankfully never happened, but both of which would have fundamentally changed an entire decade of my life had they been a reality — help me determine what would have been worse. I’m leaning towards Big Frank being a Cub…but the influence of Zack Morris should not be overlooked nor understated.

What do you think?

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

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* – Gordon Beckham photo credit: AJRoxMyWhiteSox

With one of the worst in the history of mankind least consistent offenses in the Majors this year, and a perplexing aversion to clutch hitting, the White Sox have struggled to do anything consistently but get dominated by pitchers they are facing for the first time. Certainly the Sox woes at the plate and the uncertain status of Carlos Quentin have many White Sox fans — not to mention management — questioning whether the White Sox should be buyers or sellers in trade talks.

And though I will probably write such an article soon, assuming the White Sox continue treading water as they have been, I caught an article from the Sun-Times website today that shifted my thinking on what I should write for this morning.

It is an article by Carol Slezak that actually focused on something good and positive related to the White Sox offense — just not this year’s, of course. And it is an article that gave me hope that something that unequivocally needs to happen will, in fact, someday actually happen.

Carol Slezak’s article is a feature about the most prolific White Sox player of all-time, and my favorite baseball player of all-time: Frank Thomas.

Most White Sox fans and many baseball fans in general know that Thomas’ time on the South Side did not end well. Ironically, considering how many incredible seasons he had trying to help the White Sox bring a World Series title back to Chicago, The Big Hurt left the team after the 2005 World Series — a season in which he played only 34 games, did not participate in the playoffs, and hit a career-low .219.

For a player who had given so much and played so well for the White Sox over more than a decade, it was disappointing to see his lowest personal moment with the team coincide with the franchise’s greatest moment in a century.

In addition to Thomas’ stuggles with injuries and at the plate in 2005, he left on terrible terms with White Sox management, especially GM Ken Williams. As recapped by Slezak:

Thomas and Williams had feuded publicly in spring training in 2006, when in response to negative comments ”The Big Hurt” had made about Reinsdorf and the Sox organization, Williams fired back, ”He’s an idiot. He’s selfish. That’s why we don’t miss him. … Good riddance. See you later.”

Fortunately for Thomas, he was able to land on his oft-injured feet in Oakland and produced a sterling 2006 season in which he cracked 39 home runs and 114 RBI, leading the A’s into the playoffs. He was a different hitter at this point than he’d been in his heyday, as his season average was only .270; however, Thomas proved that his immense personal pride — perhaps his greatest strength and weakness as a player and teammate — combined with his talent, could still produce productive seasons.

The Big Hurt went on to hit 26 home runs in 2007 for Oakland and eventually moved on to Toronto, where he hit his 500th career home run. And now, after an injury-plagued 2008 in which Frank only played in 71 games, his career appears closer than ever to being officially over.

According to Slezak, Thomas is planning to make a final decision about his baseball playing future around this year’s All Star Break. In the meantime, The Big Hurt has returned to Chicago to do some work for Comcast SportsNet for the upcoming Crosstown Classic between the White Sox and Cubs. Thomas’ return to the South Side has auspiciously been met with pleasant nostalgia from fans and the organization on the heels of encouraging comments back in March by White Sox owner Jerry Reinsdorf:

And in March, as it seemed increasingly likely that Thomas’ playing career was ending, Williams and Sox chairman Jerry Reinsdorf let Thomas know that when he’s ready, they would like him to retire as a member of the organization. But it remained to be seen whether Thomas would accept their overture.

As a White Sox fan who still busts out his #35 jersey at least once or twice a month, I want to say the following to Frank: assuming that hatchets can and/or have been buried, please accept the overtures made by Ken Williams and Jerry Reinsdorf; and if issues linger, hash them out so you can accept their offer.

Major League Baseball is embroiled in speculation from everything to who will be buying or selling at the trading deadline, to who may or may not be not on steroids, to just how much the Nationals will be forced to pay an unproven college pitcher. And on and on it goes. But this story is one, for me, that is an absolute, unequivocal no-brainer: Frank Thomas should retire with the organization that drafted him, where the majority of 1st-ballot Hall of Fame resume was written, and where fans still think of him as one of our own.

Sure, we’ve all been frustrating by Frank at times. I’ve gotten upset with him for comments he’s made in the media and called him “The Big Skirt” before. I blamed Frank as much as Ken Williams for their petulant pissing match in 2006 that was just completely unnecessary and downright childish. And we all know that, as Slezak reminisced about in her article, many of Frank’s teammates were sometimes put off by his focus on personal statistics.

Blah, blah, blah.

I don’t want to nominate the guy for sainthood or Man of the Year, so who the hell cares about all of that? Besides, family members feud all the time. Sometimes it gets so bad that you even don’t speak for a while, perhaps even a prolonged while. But time has a funny and consistent way of healing such wounds, and it appears like that could be the case here.

Let’s hope it is.

Frank Thomas deserves the opportunity to don a White Sox #35 jersey once again, trot out on the field, and be showered with love and adulation from a fan base that will never forget nor stop appreciating his amazing accomplishments on the South Side.

And the fans deserve the opportunity to stand in recognition of the greatest hitter in the history of the franchise we love so much.

For the White Sox and organization, Major League Baseball, and sports in general, these are types of moments that need to happen.

Sports fans are the heartbeat of sports, and at the root of our unyielding support for our teams and the leagues we pump time, money, and emotion into is the visceral connection we develop between the individual players out there playing the games. Heck, KVB and I spent so much time together watching White Sox baseball in high school and hanging on Frank’s every at-bat that Frank Thomas is one of the first images that pops up in my mind when I think back to my high school days. Watching and rooting for Frank Thomas, Ray Durham, Jack McDowell, Robert Hernandez and so many of the 90s players is as important and prominent a set of memories to me as my high school basketball career or experiences on my high school newspaper.

I doubt that I am the only one who feels this way, in fact far from it. I bet there are White Sox fans all over the country for whom Frank Thomas remains a very large and prominent part of their collective consciousness as a White Sox fan and as a sports fan in general.

And White Sox fans deserve the opportunity to give a proper sendoff to Frank Thomas. The truth is that we were all distracted when he left in 2006. We were still intoxicated by the excitement of finally winning a World Series and simply not in the mood to witness the BS between Frank and the organization. Many of us even said “good riddance” right along with Ken Williams, so focused we were on celebrating 2005 and looking forward to a repeat performance in 2006.

That’s not how it should have ended with Frank. Not by a long shot.

And while it’s true that Frank has always been received warmly during any trips back to Chicago as a visitor, it will not compare to how warmly he’ll be received stepping back out on the field as a member of the home team again. Those previous moments when Frank came back with A’s and Blue Jays were like phone calls or birthday cards to a family member with whom you’ve lost touch. But when a hug — a full, genuine embrace — is what’s necessary to bring closure to a dispute and set the tone for a new era of cooperation, nostalgia, and pleasantness moving forward, phone calls and birthday cards just won’t cut it.

Frank Thomas and the White Sox need to fully and genuinely embrace, and in my opinion that can only happen — and should happen — by #35 retiring as a member of the White Sox.

Show the fans how much you care by swallowing your pride Frank, if that’s what is necessary. I promise you that, in return, we will show you how much we care and still appreciate everything you’ve done for the Chicago White Sox.

What a great moment it would be to see Frank Thomas thunder out of the home team dugout wearing the home team colors again at U.S. Cellular Field, with his big smile shining for all to see, his cap in hand as he waves it to recognize the throngs of White Sox fans who have risen to their feet in recognition of the man who would be the most prominent, recognizable, and deserving face on any Mount Rushmore of White Sox baseball.

Please make this happen. There aren’t too many no-brainers left in Major League Baseball, but this is absolutely one of them.

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* – Frank Thomas swinging photo courtesy of Baseball Evolution
* – Frank Thomas waving during 2005 World Series photo courtesy of the website MITAdmissions.org

Here are Manny Ramirez’s comments about a possible return to Cleveland, from the original USA Today article by Bob Nightengale:

Manny Ramirez will be back in Los Angeles Monday to renew his love affair with the city, but before his career ends he hopes to be reunited with his first love: the Cleveland Indians.

“I would like to play for Cleveland one more time, to go back where I started,” said Ramirez, with the Dodgers playing their home opener Monday against the San Francisco Giants at Dodger Stadium. “I have so many good memories there, why not?

“I think to go back where you started is everyone’s dream.”

The article goes on to discuss how Ramirez discussed the possibility during the offseason with former Indian and current White Sox DH Jim Thome. Thome says that Ramirez was “very sincere” when talking about rounding up all of the old school Indians for one more run in the AL Central.

“Me and Thome back in Cleveland?” Ramirez said. “That would be sweet.”

Apparently Albert Belle was not available for comment.

But before Indians fans get all excited and start packing Travis Hafner’s bags for him (if they are not doing that already), our buddies over at Waiting For Next Year provide a Lee Corso-style not-so-fast-my-friends.

From the WFNY story on the Manny Ramirez back to Cleveland comments:

Well, I can tell you what won’t happen: Jim Thome and Manny Ramirez coming back to Cleveland. It’s not saying that I wouldn’t welcome them both back; they would put a ton of fans in the seats, and a few baseballs in the bleachers. But to say that this team has moved on without Manny and Jim Thome would be an understatement.

Among the many reasons cited by WFNY for why Ramirez and Thome coming back to Cleveland won’t happen are the youth of the Indians and the fact that their future currently resides in Columbus with promising youngsters Matt LaPorta and Michael Brantley.

Click here for great deals on Cleveland Indians tickets

I obviously don’t know the Indians inside and out, but I certainly cannot see something like this happening. While I’m sure Manny Ramirez would love to return to Cleveland, he certainly would not do so for free, and I cannot see the Indians shelling out significant money to get him — or they would have done it this offseason when Ramirez was available. In regards to Thome, the Indians would have to pull the cord on the Travis Hafner career life support and eat a huge chunk of change to open up the DH slot. I just cannot see that happening either.

And I will say this about Jim Thome: I wouldn’t want to see him go. Up until last year, I would have gladly shipped him back to the Indians. For whatever reason I always hated Thome, and I was not excited when the White Sox signed him. But he has grown on me the more removed he becomes from his Indians career, and the more I open my mind up to the value he brings to the South Side, both as a lefty power hitter and a clubhouse leader. Now that I’ve finally fully embraced Thome as a true South Sider, I hope he retires with the White Sox. I sure as hell don’t want to have to go back to hating him again if heads back over to Cleveland.

So while I’m sure it’s fun for Indians fans to think about a Ramirez-Thome reunion, much as it would be for White Sox fans to consider Frank Thomas and Robin Ventura reuniting at the corners, I think the chances of it happening are slim to none. At least Ramirez and Thome are still highly productive players, unlike the injured Thomas and retired Ventura, but it would signal a complete shift in organizational direction for the Indians. A shift that, I agree with WFNY, will not happen.

Now, maybe if they could bring back, say, Jaret Wright to replace Cliff Lee in the rotation we might actually be talking about something plausible…

The following players have legitimate shots to move into the top 50 with “normal” seasons. The top 50 cut-off point is currently the 390 career homeruns hit by Graig Nettles.

• Jim Edmonds is at #55 with 382 career homeruns. He needs 9 more homeruns to crack the top 50. Probability: High
• Andruw Jones is at #66 with 371 career homeruns. He needs 20 more homeruns to crack the top 50. Probability: Who the hell knows
• Luis Gonzalez is at #74 with 354 career homeruns. He needs 37 more homeruns to crack the top 50. Probablity: Next to impossible, unless he gets back on the juice
• Albert Pujols is at #98 with 319 career homeruns. He needs 72 more homeruns to crack the top 50. Probablity: Low, but let’s all hope and pray he goes two over that total and becomes the legitimate single-season homerun king.

Now, how about the current players in the Top 20 of the career homeruns list, and where they could end the 2009 season:

• Ken Griffey Jr. sits at #5 on the career home runs list with 611. He needs 49 to tie Willie Mays for #4. I’d love to see it happen, but probably not this season. Maybe if he plays two more.
• Alex Rodriguez sits at #12 on the career home runs list. With 58 homeruns in 2009, he would tie Ken Griffey Jr. for 5th. More likely is that he hits somewhere between 33 and 55 and ends the 2009 season ahead of Frank Robinson for 7th on the career homeruns list.
• Jim Thome sits at #14 on the career home runs list. If he hits 32 or more homeruns in 2009, he will pass Harmon Killebrew, currently at #9.
• Manny Ramirez sits at #17 on the career homer uns list with 527. Harmon Killebrew’s 573 might not be out of the question in Manny plays an entire season like he ended last season with the Dodgers. More than likely, Manny Ramirez will somewhere near or above 36 homeruns in 2009 and challenge Reggie Jackson, who is currently #11 with 563.
• Frank Thomas is currently tied for 18th with 521 career homeruns. The A’s recently declined arbitration with The Big Hurt, and his 2009 season is up in the air, despite his stated desire to play two more years. Mickey Mantle at #15 with 536 homeruns is within reach is Frank is healthy and gets regular at bats.

To figure out where the rest of the Top 50 career homerun hitters could end up after the 2009 season, just use the chart below to see where they currently rank:

Click here to see the rest of the top 500 career homeruns list.

And now, I don’t feel out iota of guilt for putting ^ marks next to players’ names who have been implicated, explicit proof or not, for using steroids. Major League Baseball lost its chance to provide players the benefit of the doubt, in my opinion. As far as I’m concerned, you are guilty until proven innocent when credible allegations arise.

What a bunch of cheating liars…

With only a few days before the calendar turns to September, the likelihood of a White Sox-Cubs World Series is still possible. It is so rare to have both teams in contention for playoff spots this late into the season. Thus, you will have to forgive White Sox and Cubs fans if they jump ahead of themselves a bit and daydream about a Windy City Series.

Who would have the advantage in a South Side-North Side battle? Let’s go to the tale of the tape, knowing what we know right now, for a completely objective, totally unbiased, and unequivocally fair analysis:

[Update: If you do not take the following opinions expressed by our author seriously, perhaps this opinion will sway your thinking.  That's right, none other than our future President agrees wholeheartedly that the White Sox are better than the Cubs.  Just thought you should know.  Now on the with the Tale of the Tape!]

Current Record: Chicago White Sox 74-56 | Chicago Cubs 80-50

Advantage: White Sox.

Now, you may wonder how an analysis claiming to be objective could reach such a conclusion. It’s very simple: The AL is better than the NL. 74 wins in the American League is actually the equivalent of 82 wins in the NL. Don’t believe me? There is plenty of sabermetrics to back me up. Click here Cubs fans…it is verified fact.

Manager: Ozzie Guillen | Lou Piniella

Advantage: White Sox. This is actually pretty easy. Ozzie has won a World Series with his current team during the current decade, while Piniella’s lone title came in 1990 with the Reds. Plus, Ozzie is a much better rapper. No one can understand what the hell he is ever saying, a prerequisite for solid MC’ing.

Stadium: Comiskey Park | Wrigley Field

Follow this undeniable string of logic: Wrigley Field has ivy…the most commonly known form of ivy is poison ivy…the Cubs are cursed (synonym: poisoned) and have not won a World Series in 100 years. Hence, your overrated dump of a stadium is part of the reason for your drought. Comiskey Park (or U.S. Cellular Field, if you must) has shot off fireworks in a World Series game in the last 5 years

Advantage: White Sox…go cry in your beers you dirty Bleacher Bums. Comiskey is the clear winner. Plus, I’d much rather spend time on 35th Street than Wrigleyville, but that’s just the testosterone talking.

Out of Nowhere Star: Carlos Quentin | Geovanny Soto

Let’s see…Carlos Quentin has an OPS of .975, has hit 36 HRs, has 99 RBIs, and is hitting about .800 in clutch situations. I’m exaggerating, but he does have more game-tying or game-winning RBIs from the 7th inning on than any other hitter in baseball. Geovanny Soto has an OPS of .869, has hit 19 HRs and driven in 71 runs while playing a tougher defensive position. But while he gets extra credit for playing catcher, he loses all credit for having this picture on the Internet in which he looks like a lesbian softball player. Come to think of it, are we sure he’s not? Wrigleyville is kinda freaky like that…

Advantage: White Sox

500 Home Run Hitters on Current Roster: Ken Griffey Jr. & Jim Thome | None

Advantage: White Sox (that was easy)

The A.J. Pierzynski Factor: The White Sox have him | The Cubs don’t

Look, A.J. Pierzynski is not a “better” player than Geovanny Soto. He isn’t a great hitter, he won’t wow you with stats, and he has a pretty rag arm. But he is an absolute winner. He made a head’s up play against Tampa Bay this weekend to stay in scoring position and eventually score the winning run, and we all remember what he did against the Angels in the 2005 playoffs. And those are just two examples. A.J. makes clutch plays and is an absolutely indispensible member of the White Sox for the intangibles he brings. Oh, and suck it Michael Barrett. Are you even in the Majors anymore?

Advantage: White Sox

Greatest Player of This Era: Frank Thomas | Sammy Sosa

Another shameless plug for the unnecessarily long and in-depth analysis I did of Frank Thomas and Sammy Sosa…but I started this blog so really the whole thing is just one big shameless plug for my drivel. (Writer’s Note: I actually did try to be legitimately objective in that one. Seriously. I promise, and I’m not trying to be sarcastic.) Feel free to waste an hour of your life reading it, or just look at the next line.

Advantage: White Sox

Voice of the Team: Hawk Harrelson | Harry Caray

Hawk Harrelson is the man, and even though Harry Caray is a baseball legend, the fact that Hawk knows what is going on more than 30 percent of the time gives him the tie breaker (though, admittedly, it probably is not much more than 30 percent). Plus, Hawk created the greatest home run call of all time (Yeeessss!), along with coining such incredible nicknames as The Big Hurt, El Caballo, and The Milkman. (Yes, that is actually Herbert Perry. Melvin Mora was apparently too busy thinking about his next steroid injection to help Herbert out.)

And again Cubs fans, before you start whining like you did when I dissed Wrigley Field that Harry Caray is a legend, and the voice of baseball, and blah blah frickin’ blah, remember one thing: He was with the White Sox before he was with you. Just like Sammy Sosa. Seriously, get your own heroes. Stop pilfering from the Superior Side. And Mark Grace sucked. (Thanks a lot for Jon Garland though. I hope you enjoyed Matt Karchner…I’m sure Garland enjoyed winning a World Series.)

Advantage: Way back, it could be, it is…You can put it on the board…White Sox!

World Series Titles During the Lifetime of Anyone Reading This: 1 | 0

Any explanation would just be rubbing it in. But who cares, let’s rub it in anyway. (And anytime you have a chance to diss Cubs fans by showing a World Series parade in Chicago that they will never experience, while also laughing at the cheesiness of Steve Perry, well it’s an opportunity that must be taken.)

Advantage: White Sox.

So there you have it sports fans. Nine categories. All nine in favor of the White Sox. After an unbiased analysis grounded completely in fact it is clear that the Chicago White Sox would have the upper hand in a South Side-Back Side matchup in the World Series.

Besides, it’s really a moot discussion anyway. The Cubs will never make it that far. We all know what you’ll do in the playoffs (if you can make it…)

Frank Thomas and Sammy Sosa are two of the greatest icons in the long and storied history of Chicago sports. I do not remember what inspired me, but I have been obsessed over the past three days with objectively figuring out who had the better career. I finished my in-depth analysis of The Big Hurt and Slammin’ Sammy today and posted it over at HubPages. (It’s a lot easier to utilize pictures and videos with their format. Plus, hopefully the article can attract an audience and then get people to see our site.)

Here is the link: Frank Thomas Versus Sammy Sosa – Who Was Better?

Check it out when you get a moment. I apologize in advance for the length, but I did not want to leave any stone unturned. I will not give away the conclusion here…but if you do not feel like reading my 4,000-and-some word opus on the subject, just scroll to the bottom and you can read my conclusion.

I always hated Sammy Sosa, especially once it became clear that he was a steroid-abusing cheater, but his talent and ridiculous numbers cannot be ignored. And while Big Frank pissed me off from time to time, especially with how he acted during the end of his tenure in Chicago, he will always be one of my all-time favorite players. There was nothing better than Frank smashing a 1st inning homerun or killing a line drive off the wall for a double. He may have been a little bit of a whiny baby…be he’s still the Big Hurt and the greatest White Sox player of all-time in my estimation (until 10 years from now when the torch gets passed to Carlos Quentin…he hit #34 today!!!).

Feel free to read the article and then come back to post comments and have a debate. There are few debates for true Chicago sports fans with the ability to inspire the passion and enjoyment of this one.

So who do you think was better – Frank Thomas or Sammy Sosa?