GIF source: Here

Upon seeing this GIF for the first time, I immediately thought of this classic baseball moment:

GIF source: Woosk.com

So just to recap, in this post we have Randy Johnson murdering a living being with the power of a ball tossed from his left hand, and we also have someone associated with the Cubs erring so badly at a simple baseball act that it completely screws over a fan. In other words, while these GIFs are shocking at first glance, they are really exactly what we would expect from both.

The two two teams met a couple of weekends ago, with the White Sox taking two out of three in Wrigley. Since that series, the White Sox have not lost, stringing together nine straight wins and moving to three games over .500. The Cubs, on the other hand, have continued their century long trend of sucking by going 4-5 to move to eight games under .500.

It is in times like these when Cubs fans resort to their most trusted source of solace: the barenaked naked asses of other men.

Really Cubs fans. Sometimes you just make it too easy.

The following video starts out with a typically drunken version of “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” and then follows our bleacher bum heroes into the restroom where they gawk at and take pictures of the suddenly infamous Pants Down Piss Guy.

And the soundtrack for this gratuitous display of man love is, of course, “Go Cubs Go”.

Seriously, KVB and I couldn’t have even made up this up at our drunkest.

Video: Cubs Fans Admire Pants Down Piss Guy

(hat tip to Deadspin for posting the video earlier today.)

For the record, yes I did notice that during Pants Down Piss Guy’s trip to Jacobs Field is when we got the intrusive camera angle ostensibly searching for a shot of his exposed package. No, this did not surprise me. Luckily, they were as successful in this unfortunate endeavor as the Indians are trying to win baseball games. I think we’ve all seen quite enough of PDPG.

I don’t really have anything else to say about this video. Like I said, sometimes it’s just too easy. At this point, the pathetic Cubs and their fans have simply become caricatures of themselves, reinforcing long-standing stereotypes more and more with each passing pathetic year.

One thing I would love to see: Lou Piniella’s reaction to someone showing him this video (or Ozzie Guillen’s, for that matter). I’m guessing it would not go anything like the video below. The video above doesn’t seem like something Sweet Lou would be taking responsibility for.

Actually, I think his tone would be a little closer to this:

Good luck this weekend Cubbies. You’re going to need it. I have a feeling we’ll be hearing a lot of this today, Saturday, and Sunday:

As you know, I could probably type for days and days making derogatory comments about this North Sider, but I think in this case I’ll just let the visual evidence speak for itself.

Behold, one lovable loser and is lovably lame haircut:

Allow me, if you will, to direct your attention to a post from earlier this week that included a grading scale I believe is appropriate for this post.

10 Mariottis.

Actually, all kidding and Cubs hate aside, I do have to echo what was said over at Blogfines:

I can’t decide how I feel about this still, but I at least salute the boy for having the cojones to sport this hairdo.

I certainly have decided how I feel about it – the kid looks like an absolute fool – but that doesn’t mean I don’t admire him for it.

I’m sure that if some young White Sox fanatic carved a Sox logo into his head I would be trumpeting his greatness to all six of you who are reading this. So I must at least be somewhat consistent and give this Cubs fan some props for making a pretty definitive statement about his favorite team.

I just hope he shows up on the South Side during the Interleague series before his hair grows out…

As with the White Sox championship back in the Fall of ’05, the Blackhawks winning it all is extra special because of the prodigious cavern of time and seasons in between this title and the franchise’s last.

But that is how things go in Chicago. Teams win a title, then wait a long, long time before winning another. Case in point: the Bulls in ’94 and ’95. They went an entire two years without a 3-peat! It was truly a trying time for Chicagoans.

Okay…so maybe the Bulls are a bad example.

We all know who the big, pathetic elephant in the room is whenever someone mentions the words “Chicago” and “title drought” in the same sentence.

Now that the White Sox and Blackhawks have ended their droughts, the question is: will the Cubs be next? Or will another shorter Chicago sports drought end first?

Let’s analyze Chicago’s professional sports teams in order of shortest current title drought to longest and, on a scale of 1-10 Michael Jordans, assess their chances of being the next Chicago team to win it all.

Chicago Blackhawks

Current title drought: 12 hours

Why they’ll be next:

It’s hard to argue that the team that just won the Stanley Cup isn’t well positioned to do it again next year. This is a team with some young stars that obviously proved they were ready to make the step to champion this year. Why not next year too?

Why they’ll be last:

Defending a title is always more difficult than winning one (or so they say). We can’t just assume the Blackhawks will win it again next year or the year after that. This is a franchise that just went almost an entire half century without winning one remember.

And look at what happened to the White Sox after 2005. Everyone thought they were primed to repeat in ’06, they got off to a great start, and then BAM, reality set in. Their pitchers’ arms fell off in the second half of the season, the bottom fell out in ’07, and now just five years later the White Sox are on the verge of trading the last vestiges of ’05 – Mark Buehrle, AJ Pierzynski, Bobby Jenks, Paul Konerko – to rebuild.

Sorry to pee in your punchbowl there Blackhawks fans, but you never know what’s right around the corner for a franchise.

Final Verdict:

You have to like the Blackhawks as the closest Chicago team to its next title, especially since they are still gang-humping the Stanley Cup as we speak.

8 Michael Jordans

Chicago White Sox

Current title drought: 5 years (counting 2010, because let’s be honest, the White Sox are going nowhere this year)

Why they’ll be next:

Speaking of the White Sox, this probably isn’t the best time to be talking about the team’s World Series chances. A lot of us had high hopes coming into the season, but those have been dashed by 2+ terrible months of baseball in which the AL Central’s expected best starting rotation has sucked beyond belief.

With vets like Mark Buehrle and Paul Konerko aging and probably on their way out the door, plus a lot of money tied up in the pitiful Jake Peavy and resurgent though untrustworthy Alex Rios, plus the struggles of guys like Gordon Beckham, Carlos Quentin, and Gavin Floyd, plus a depleted Minor League system…well, things don’t exactly look all that bright on the South Side.

So let’s just skip to the next section. I can’t think of any compelling reason why the White Sox will be Chicago’s next champion, other than the randomness of baseball.

Why they’ll be last:

Read the previous section. Can you tell I’m not a real optimistic White Sox fan right now?

Final Verdict:

The White Sox have a lot of work to do to get themselves back into contention, but the reality of baseball is that if the White Sox veteran pitchers can return to form next year, if they can add a strong bat or two, and if Ozzie Guillen can push the right buttons to build some momentum, anything is possible. So while things don’t look that great right now, things can change and come out of nowhere in baseball.

And since Michael Jordan once played for the White Sox, I’m giving the Good Guys one extra MJ.

3 Michael Jordans

Chicago Bulls

Current title drought: 12 years

Why they’ll be next:

The Bulls have one of the NBA’s up-and-coming stars in point guard Derrick Rose, along with the kind of do-it-all glue guy in Joakim Noah that you need to win a title. Obviously they need more pieces, but they have a decent foundation started.

Why they’ll be last:

There is no telling what the recently announced decision to bring in the alliterative power of Tom Thibodeau’s defensive wizardry will mean. He has never been a head coach at the NBA level, and wasn’t that one of the criticisms of Vinny Del Negro? It’s possible that the Bulls may have hired a lemon and that they’ll continue to tread water in the Eastern Conference.

Final Verdict:

Some people think T.T. was brought in because it would help curry favor with LeBron James (the two share an agent). If so, and if the Bulls can snag LeBron, then they immediately vault to the front of the Chicago pack. Right now it is still too early to tell, so I have to take a middle-of-the-road view of the Bulls’ chances.

5 Michael Jordans

Chicago Bears

Current title drought: 25 years

Why they’ll be next:

The NFL, like MLB, is a league where quick turnarounds can happen, where teams can come out of nowhere to make surprise playoff runs. Bears fans must hope that is the case this year, because I don’t think many people are expecting a lot out of the Bears this year.

Still, they did add Julius Peppers and Chester Taylor (weakening conference foes in the process), they have a coach who has taken a team to a Super Bowl, and they have a quarterback who at least has the physical skills to be among the league’s elite. And in the absence of a historically dominant D, you aren’t winning a Super Bowl without an elite QB. If Cutler and Martz can mesh well, the Bears could surprise in a pretty wide open NFC.

Why they’ll be last:

Well, this season needs to go well. If it doesn’t, Lovie Smith will likely be gone (undoubtedly taking Mike Martz with him), confidence in Jay Cutler will be waning, and the entire direction of the franchise will be up in the air. Stability typically wins championships in the NFL. The Bears are holding onto it tenuously right now. A bad 2010 season, however, and it all gets “blowed up” (to quote Emmitt Smith), which could set the Bears back 3-5 years.

Final Verdict:

The thin ice the Bears are walking on, plus the chance of LeBron going to Chicago, means that the Bears have to be behind the Bulls. The fact that the White Sox at least have guys on their roster with World Series title winning experience, while the Bears have a QB in Cutler who has never won at any level, also means that I cannot in good conscience rank the Bears over the White Sox. I’ll call it a draw.

3 Michael Jordans

Chicago Cubs

Current title drought: 102 years

Why they’ll be next:

Because the Red Sox proved that miracles are possible and curses are made to be broken.

Because even a blind squirrel finds a nut every now and then.

Because the law of averages has to work out in their favor at some point, right?

Choose any trite, loosely related cliche you want to make yourselves feel better Cubs fans. Really. I won’t judge. I promise.

Why they’ll be last:

102 years of being losers is a difficult tradition to overcome. Sure, the White Sox did it, but that’s because the power of Steve Perry compelled us. Who the hell is going to supply enough karma to overcome the Cubs’ drought? Not even Culture Club could provide enough.

Final Verdict:

The Cubs organization is in about as poor a shape top to bottom as the White Sox. The sad thing is, both teams are in the top 10 in baseball in payroll. That’s not good. But at least the White Sox are hanging onto the final shards of a championship squad. The Cubs are hanging onto…what, exactly?

The rebuilding process will have to start soon, thus ending one era of losing on the North Side so that another can begin.

Sorry Cubs, but you don’t get measured in MJ’s. I can’t associate his image with so much losing. But your consolation prize is 10 Mariottis…plus, of course, another title-less season.

Yes, unfortunately for this poor girl, who sums up the experience of being a Cubs fan in the iconic image below, the Blackhawks’ victory last night simply means that the Cubs are now even further removed from a title than the rest of the franchises in the Windy City.

And, as usual, there is little hope on the horizon.

Congrats to the Blackhawks and their fans. Whose turn do you think it will be next?

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

Spring training has just begun, and it’s time for another chance for the “lovable losers” to make another run at ending their 100+ year World Series drought. But is this really the year for the Cubs to end that drought?

If you look at the Cubs’ players you see a lot of high class names: Derek Lee, Alfonsio Soriano, Carlos Zambrano, and Aramis Ramirez. The problem is all these guys, with the exception of Ramirez, have not fulfilled the expectations that the fans and general managers originally had for them.

In fact they have been big letdowns, failing to win a playoff game in the last six chances.

So how does it look for this year?

Nothing looks quite that different, so it’s very hard to say this team will make the playoffs, let alone win the World Series.

Chicago Cubs 2010 Pitching Rotation

The pitching staff is more or less the same. Rich Harden is now gone and former Notre Dame football star Jeff Samardzija is looking to take the 5th starting role. Based on what we have seen from Samardzija it doesn’t look like he has the stuff to be a high-caliber pitcher. He has a nice fastball but his off-speed stuff is really lacking.

Carlos Zambrano is already on the decline and gets worse year after year. The guy has a temper and control problem. He’s not going to be that ace you need.

Carlos Silva is just plain bad. His record the last two years is 5-18. He has some serious ERA problems, posting a 6.46 ERA in 28 appearances in 2008. I don’t seem him having the kind of year that can help you win championships.

Ted Lilly is definitely the team’s most consistent pitcher, winning at least 12 games the last three seasons, but how well will he do after recovering from a knee injury?

The only for sure bright spot in the Cubs’ rotation is youngster Randy Wells. Like I said before, Wells is the up-and-coming Cub. He is a great young talent and it will be a disgrace if the Cubs didn’t capitalize on his abilities.

Chicago Cubs 2010 Lineup

The infielders might be the Cubs’ best group of players.

Third basemen Aramis Rameriz is by far the best hitter on the team. He has posted outstanding numbers his whole tenure with the Cubs.

First baseman Derrek Lee has shown he can still be a good hitter, batting .306 with 35 home runs and 111 RBI’s last year. But he is an aging player about to turn 35. Can he still post numbers like that?

Ryan Theriot always starts the season off really well, but cools off towards the middle to the end. He is the most likely pick to start the season off as the lead-off hitter and it suits him really well. As long as he can get on base for the Cubs in the lead-off role, Theriot  can be a really good table setter for the Cubs.

Jeff Baker will most likely get the nod to start second base as he was handed the starting role towards the end of the season last year. He put up some pretty good numbers: a .288 AVG with 4 HR’s and 24 RBI’s in 81 games.

Geovany Soto will get the nod for the Cubs this year at catcher, but he is coming off a sophomore slump in which he only batted .218. Soto admitted he had gained some weight, but he is supposed to lose some of it before the season begins. Soto adds some power to the Cubs’ offense as well as the ability to drive runners in. His bat will be much needed this year if the Cubs want to make the playoffs.

The staring outfielders for the Cubs are a given: Alfonso Soriano will be in left, Marlon Byrd in center, and Kosuke Fukudome in right.

Soriano’s stay in Chicago has been plagued by injuries and missing easy pop flys, leaving him on the bitter side of the fans. His average sunk all the way to .241 last year. His power and run driving ability have been over-shadowed by his high strikeout rate and his failure to produce during the playoffs.

Marlon Bryd is spending his first year wearing a Cubs’ uniform after spending three years with the Texas Rangers. Byrd is an average hitter who had his breakout season last year which landed him a three year contract with the Cubs. He doesn’t bring much power to the plate, but he can drive players, hit for contact, and get to fly balls in center.

Kosuke Fukudome, while not being a total bust, has, like most Cubs’ players, not met to expectations. He hasn’t batted over .260 in his two years in the league, but his defensive skills are better than average, saving some of the pain.

Overall the Cubs don’t have the team, on paper, that can win you a World Series, but you never know what these players will play like. Inconsistency will kill your chances at a division title.

Therefore, I see the Cubs coming in third this year with St. Louis winning the division. Sorry Cubs fans, but you’ll have to wait another year.

**********

* – Carlos Zambrano photo credit: Born Again Cubs Fan

* – Cubs fan doing what Cubs fans are so good at photo credit:Kap’s Corner

One recent conversation that particularly piqued my interest is the question of how Cubs fans should/would receive Sammy Sosa in the event that he returns to the team or city in a manner similar to how Mark McGwire has returned to the St. Louis Cardinals.

Allow me to present a few of the more compelling arguments that I read on both sides. I will then give my opinion and provide you with an opportunity to give yours.

First, the original post from Another Cubs Blog that started the “should Cubs fans receive Sammy warmly” debate (because, as I’ve learned, there is always an “original post that started it all“):

We already know what Cubs fans would do if Sammy Sosa showed up at a Cubs Convention. There would undoubtedly be a large round of boos and I’m pretty sure some of those in attendance would throw knives at him. Unlike every other fan base, the Cubs fans are incapable of appreciating good players. Instead, they like the Ryan Theriot’s and Mark DeRosa’s…

…I don’t know what it is about Cubs fans, but they are a weird bunch of people. If Sammy Sosa spent the majority of his career with the Cardinals, he’d already be getting standing ovations by the Cardinals fans. Actually, I’ll put money on the Cardinals fans giving Sosa a standing ovation before the fucking Cubs fans do.

And here are a few of my favorite responses, from some of your and my favorite Chicago bloggers:

JD from Not Qualified to Comment:

I like Sammy.  He is a victim of his era and while I’m not  saying I condone what he did, he definitely saved baseball. At what cost is another issue, but if it wasn’t for him I honestly wouldn’t have come back to the game.

The Zoner from Zoner Sports:

If you had to “come back to the game”, I’m not sure if you were truly into it in the first place. I cheered my brains  out in ’98 and was at a bunch of those games. But after the cork, the  walkout and the increased realization that he was full of roids, I have absolutely no reason to cheer him ever again. At least not now.

Rex Jaybels from i94 Sports:

I cheered for him too, but I don’t see him as a victim of his era. He made a decision to do what he did and he is making the decision not to come clean about it. He will always be a part of some fond memories I have of the Cubs, but as for giving him some rousing standing ovation now, I’m not sure that I would. Then again, I’m not sure when I would ever have the opportunity as I find conventions and things of that nature a tad creepy. It just seems like the author was trying to condemn all those who don’t have this overriding love of Sosa. He seems to be a self-hating Cub fan.

Joe Cubs Fan from <<<insert any link to any Cubs forum/blog here>>>

I just want to see the Cubs win a World Series title before I die. But I know it won’t happen. Boo-hoo. At least our stadium rocks! Ivy…yeah!

Okay, so I made the last one up. But the other three are real responses from real Cubs fans/observers that I think sum up with disparate opinions that the Cubs fan base holds about the greatest statistical achiever in its franchise’s history.

Here is my opinion, which I will frame by bringing the discussion a little bit closer to home: what if it came out that Frank Thomas had used steroids during his time with the White Sox?

(And, for the record, Frank is one of the few people left for whom it would absolutely shock me if any reports surfaced that he’d used ‘roids. Read this if you want to know more about my feelings for the The Big Hurt.)

Now, I know that it’s not an apples-to-apples comparison between Frank Thomas and Sammy Sosa, but it’s relatively close.

No, White Sox fans did not have to suffer through the ignominy of Frank’s final years being dogged by steroid speculation. In fact, Sox fans have always been able to stick their noses up in the air just a little bit with the knowledge that our greatest hitter is almost universally assumed to have been clean.

However, reports of Frank’s selfishness throughout his career and the way that he left town – at odds with GM Ken Williams – on his way to becoming a Designated Hitting Mercenary for the A’s and Blue Jays did rub some fans the wrong way. So in that sense, there are at least some similarities between the two cases.

For me, even if it was revealed now that Frank Thomas had been juicing his whole career, I would stand and cheer for him…once. I would want to thank him for the time, energy, hard work, and especially the memories he provided me over the years. Steroids or not, those moments were real, even if something happens now to make me look back on them differently.

But that’s where it would end. As they say, “fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.”

Once trust is broken between a fan and a player, the onus is on the fan to allow or disallow the player back into their good graces. I wouldn’t actively hate or admonish Frank, but I would certainly keep him at arm’s length…after I left him know, one time, that I appreciated the achievements he was able to attain. Over time, I’m sure that the memories of Frank as Sox star and his accomplishments would mean far less than they do now, but not so much so as to be rendered totally insignificant or negative.

So obviously I understand and can relate with both sides of the Cubs fans’ arguments, and in this case I don’t think the middle ground is such a bad place to be. Like most things in life, the ultimate resolution for most people probably lies in the gray area.

It’s a little bit like when a relationship ends, even if it ends badly. Hopefully, after time has been able to heal the most exigent post-breakup wounds, two people can remember what brought them together in the first place and at least appreciate the good times that were shared. You never really forget a betrayal, and sometimes you may not even be able to forgive, nor do you need to actively participate in the person’s life anymore, but hate, anger, rancor, and regret are viruses that infect the soul. So even if you don’t believe logically or mentally that a person deserves forgiveness, it ironically is often the best action you take from a selfish standpoint.

So why not take it?

My advice to Cubs fans if Sammy Sosa does ever make a Big Mac-like return to the Windy City: at least cheer the man once and show some appreciation for the his achievements as a Cub.

That closes a squeaky, creaking door and allows you to either a) open up a new one and forge a new fan-player relationship, or b) keep it closed and move on. Either response is correct, all based on your personal feelings.

Forgive, don’t forget, as they say. And despite all of his faults and transgressions, even Sammy Sosa deserves to cheered and thanked by Cubs fan for one – and probably only one – more day.

What do you think? (The first question is for Cubs fans, the second question is for everyone else. Obviously you can answer both and screw up the final totals, but why in the hell would you want to do that?)

**********

* – Sammy Sosa cheater sign photo credit: AP via SI.com

* – Sammy Sosa ovation photo credit: Al Tielemans via SI.com

1. A complete analysis of the football implications of the Orton-Cutler trade from each team’s perspective.
2. An analysis of whether Jay Cutler will be a Cubs fan or a White Sox fan.
3. A pictorial reminder of the unintentional comedic joy that Kyle Orton takes with him from Chicago to Denver.

Regarding a football analysis of the trade, I am hoping that our buddy Kaner will be logging in at some point today to provide this. I could do it, but it would take time away from the fun I plan on having with #’s 2 and 3. So, if you are thirsting for serious football talk and just want a football-specific analysis on the trade, here are some links for you:

• Cutler might regret Denver exile — (Peter King, SI.com)
• Cutler, Angelo, McDaniels on hot seat — (Gene Wojciechowski, ESPN.com)
• Cutler trade among most notable — (Len Pasquarelli, ESPN.com)

So there you go. Satisfy the “serious” football side of you at those sites.

Now, let’s analyze what is really important in the Cutler-Orton-draft-picks deal consummated between the Chicago Bears and Denver Broncos: now that Jay Cutler is a proud Windy City citizen, will he be a White Sox fan or a Cubs fan?

Reasons Why Jay Cutler Might be a White Sox Fan:

We all know that Jay Cutler is talented. In fact, in some ways he is the NFL equivalent of Alexei Ramirez: he has put up great stats and he has worlds of talent, but no one is really sure just how good he really is. Can we believe the numbers? Is it more hype than long-term, sustainable success? I mean, we’re all pretty sure that Alexei Ramirez will be a badass moving forward, but we’re not positive. Same with Jay Cutler. So there is that connection.

Hmm…that’s about all I got, and it was a stretch just to come up with that.

Reasons Why Jay Cutler Might be a Cubs Fan:

Let’s just start with the things that come to right off the top of my head:

1. Jay Cutler is a whiny baby who complains, bitches, and moans when things don’t go his way.
2. Jay Cutler has exhibited levels of douchebaggery rarely seen from a starting NFL quarterback.
3. Jay Cutler’s reputation far exceeds his actual level of production or achievements. Hell, at least Alexei Ramirez made the playoffs in his one season.

All three of these truths are far more descriptive of a Cubs fan and the Cubs organization than a White Sox fan or their organization.

At the end of the day, Jay Cutler has proven that he will act like a petulant child when he does not get his way. Hmm…is there anyone who works at Wrigley Field that makes demonstrative displays when things do not go his way?

Now, I’m sure that all of the Cubs fans and White Sox haters out there will try to compare Ozzie Guillen to Sweet Lou and say that Ozzie acts like a child when he doesn’t get his way. And the difference, of course, is that Ozzie Guillen is a championship-winning badass who did what no one thought possible: bring a World Series to the city of Chicago.

When Lou Piniella and the Cubs do that, we’ll give Sweet Lou and his sychophants the benefit of the doubt. Until then, enjoy it when Jay Cutler shows up in the bleachers and then starts complaining because its too hot, or his beer is warm, or the Cubs are losing, or that it’s Saturday, or that…well, you get the picture.

The point is this: is there anything that defines a Cubs fan more than wanting recognition and deference despite the complete void of substantive accomplishments by them or their team? And by comparison, is there anything that defines Jay Cutler more than the same thing?

Conslusion: Jay Cutler is definitely a Cubs fan.

And when the Cubs get swept in the first round of the playoffs again this year (if they make it), Cutler will be there sitting on his hands not cheering, basically acting like the selfish brat he is, right along with the rest of the most overrated fan base in sports.

Now, let’s move on to the other quarterback in the deal: Kyle Orton.

When Orton was playing at Purdue, no one could have imagined the sheer volume of hilarious Kyle Orton pictures that would one day populate the Internet. As a Midwest farewell to Orton, we will run down a few of the more infamous and unintentionally hilarious picture here, in our Kyle Orton In Memoriam Photo Diary:

No longer will Bears fans be able to see this lovely image on their sidelines:

And, of course, this infamous image that first appeared on Deadpsin is now one that Broncos fans can proudly call their own:

But the real losers in this deal are the fine ladies of Chicago, who will no longer have the pleasure of being grinded upon by their city’s fearlessly bearded and tanked quarterback. Killer shades Orton. At least he didn’t pull a Corey Hart on us:

No, now the ladies of Denver will be the ones with the nightly chance to enjoy Kyle and all of his Ortonness. Broncos fans, I present to you Kyle Orton, the new next John Elway:

And that’s all the time we have for today folks. Good luck to both the Bears and Broncos with their new QBs. When neither team makes the playoffs again next year, we’ll all be wondering why we spent so much time worrying about this trade in the first place.