Instead, let’s talk about the best Super Bowls that never happened.

Talking hypothetical is one of my favorite things to do because there is really no right or wrong answer, because we don’t and will never know. What would have happened if Mark Brunell won a Super Bowl? Would there have been a belief that left-handed quarterbacks were the future of football?

I could have even gone the route of writing hypothetical Super Bowls between the Seattle Seahawks and the Saskatchewan Rough Riders, because I’m sure in some alternate universe (like after hypothetical Super Bowl XVII) that it could have happened.

Rather than getting all crazy and doing that, let’s just stick with teams that actually qualified for the playoffs during the year of said Super Bowl. It’s a lot easier that way.

1. Super Bowl X – Minnesota Vikings vs. Pittsburgh Steelers

Drew Pearson pushed off (go to the 2:00 mark). I don’t know how anyone can say he didn’t. The first Hail Mary was a fraud people. It’s about time we finally admitted it. The Vikings went 12-2 in 1975, were the top seed in the NFC, and lost because of a blown call by the referees. Not cool, Drew Pearson. Not cool at all.

2. Super Bowl XVI – Dallas Cowboys vs. Cincinnati Bengals

I do not like the Cowboys at all, but I do have to say they got robbed of a Super Bowl appearance in 1982 courtesy of the 49ers and “The Catch”. It would be the first of five Super Bowl wins for the 49ers, four of them behind the arm of Joe Montana.

If Dwight Clark didn’t make that catch, the West Coast Offense would have been passed off as a phase and a gimmick, Bill Walsh would have retired as the head coach at Washington State, and Joe Montana would be wearing ShapeUps that he had to buy with his own money.

3. Super Bowl XVII – Detroit Lions vs. Cleveland Browns

The playoffs leading up to Super Bowl XVII might be my favorite thing in the history of professional sports (other than a hypothetical Vikings Championship, of course.)

Because of the players’ strike during the 1982 season and the resulting nine-game regular season, the NFL decided to allow eight teams into the playoffs (instead of the usual four) from each conference. This was subsequently named the “Super Bowl Tournament” and included the Detroit Lions and Cleveland Browns who both had records of 4-5, marking the first time any team had made the postseason with a losing record.

How great would it have been to have a Super Bowl played between two No. 8 seeds? The sixth seed from the AFC, the New York Jets, advanced to the Conference Final before losing to the Dolphins, but we’ve seen a sixth seed win the Super Bowl before thanks to the Wild Card.

The NFL had one chance to have an eighth-seeded team with a losing record become a Super Bowl Champion and they blew it. What would have happened if the Browns or Lions would have actually made it to the big game, let alone won it?

Would the NFL have been attacked by critics for allowing their players to strike, which lead to a shortened season that ended with a sub-.500 team winning the Super Bowl, therefore tarnishing the reputation of anyone involved with the NFL? All of this allowing the USFL to step in and be a legitimate competitor, forcing another merger and leave the National Football League of America with too many teams that they would eventually have to contract teams instead of grow in popularity and expand. Would that have happened?

If this Super Bowl would have happened, we never would have had the Jaguars or Texans or Panthers. Jim Kelly would have never lost four Super Bowls with the Bills. Steve Young would probably never be a Hall of Famer. Hershel Walker would be the greatest running back of all time, and the Vikings would have never handed the Cowboys three Super Bowl rings on a silver platter.

For all we know, the National Football League of America could have failed miserably and become a low-rate professional sport right next to jai hali and SlamBall.

4. Super Bowl XXI – New York Giants vs. Cleveland Browns

The Drive. I feel bad for Cleveland Browns fans. I knew they were terribly unlucky and everything, but then I started doing research for this article. I can’t imagine what it would be like to lose multiple playoff games the way they did, and have the team they lost to go on to get absolutely killed in the Super Bowl.

I wrote down 15 hypothetical Super Bowls. The Browns appeared in six of them. I think I’m going to start being a Browns fan out of pity. I feel bad for them. As a Vikings fan, I’m here for you and know your pain. Speaking of the Vikings and Browns…

5. Super Bowl XXII – Minnesota Vikings vs. Cleveland Browns

I had to do this one. Vikings vs. Browns. The two unluckiest franchises in NFL history squaring off a Super Bowl? The Vikings got knocked out of the playoffs after Darrin Nelson dropped a fourth-down pass late in the fourth quarter against the Redskins. The Browns lost on “the fumble” to the Broncos.

Literally anything could have happened. Imagine all the possibilities! It would be a contest to see which team could kill more fans in the span of three and a half hours.

To their credit, both teams deserve to make fake Super Bowls (the Vikings have four on this list, Browns have three). They probably wouldn’t have even won any of them anyway. Is it even possible for a team to lose seven Super Bowls? I don’t ever want to find out. Maybe it’s a good thing the Vikings and Browns will never make another real Super Bowl. It’s probably better that way.

6. Super Bowl XXVI – Detroit Lions vs. Buffalo Bills

I really only included this one because I feel we as Americans were cheated out of seeing Barry Sanders ever play in a Super Bowl. In 1991 the Lions went 12-4, were the No. 2 seed out of the NFC, and made it to the NFC Championship game before losing to the eventual Super Bowl Champion Washington Redskins.

7. Super Bowl XXXIII – Minnesota Vikings vs. Denver Broncos

I’ve written about this game a lot in the past, so I’ll just keep it short. Because if I don’t, it will end up being 5,000 words that eventually lead me to comparing my moral compass to the ending of a football game that I watched when I was 8 years old.

15-1 record. Best offense in NFL history. Randy Moss, Cris Carter, Jake Reed, Randall Cunningham, Robert Smith. Injuries, horrible coaching, and the worst kick of Gary Anderson’s career crushed Minnesota. And they’ve never recovered.

And the Dirty Bird was the dumbest end zone celebration ever.

8. Super Bowl XXXIV – Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. Jacksonville Jaguars

The Buccaneers lost in the NFC Championship game to the Rams by the oddest football score ever, 11-6, after the Rams scored a late fourth-quarter touchdown. It would take the Buccaneers another three years to finally reach the Super Bowl, and Kurt Warner became the greatest grocery bagger in NFL history.

The Jaguars were the No. 1 seed in the AFC in 1999 and put 62 points on the board in the division round against the Dolphins. They lost in the AFC Championship game to the Titans, who barely made it out of the first round, only doing so with a little play famously known as the “Music City Miracle.”

I have no idea what a Buccaneers-Jaguars Super Bowl would have been. I would have probably ditched the Vikings as my favorite team for the Buccaneers and would now have four different John Lynch jerseys in my closet. I suppose Fred Taylor would be a definite Hall of Fame running back and Tom Coughlin would now be the head coach of the Ravens.

9. Super Bowl XXXVI – St. Louis Rams vs. Oakland Raiders

The Tuck Rule. Super Bowl win number one for Tom Brady. Beginning of the end for Kurt Warner in St. Louis.

If the Patriots don’t win against Oakland, it is not inconceivable that Drew Bledsoe would have been reinstated as the starting quarterback in Boston, Tom Brady would have been traded to some team like the Chiefs or Texans, and Bill Simmons would have hopefully given up talking about football.

10. Super Bowl XLII – Green Bay Packers vs. New England Patriots

Brett Favre’s last pass as a Green Bay Packer was an interception in overtime which led the Giants to kick a game winning field goal to advance to Super Bowl XLII and spoil the Patriots chance at a perfect season.

Had the Packers beaten the Giants, one would have to believe that Favre would have retired after the season and actually stayed retired, Super Bowl win or not. Losing a Super Bowl to only the only team to win 19 games in a season is a much better ending than not even having the opportunity.

None of this happened of course, which helped set up Hypothetical Super Bowl No. 11.

11. Super Bowl XLIV – Minnesota Vikings vs. Indianapolis Colts

Can’t blame me for this one either. The Vikings were the best team in the league in 2009, thanks in part to Brett Favre playing the smartest (and arguably best) football of his life.

Unfortunately there was Brad Childress and his love for settling for 45-yard, game winning field goals. And then there was the Vikings getting flagged for having 12 men in the huddle RIGHT AFTER A TIMEOUT! Next play: Favre interception.

By the end of the game I was lying on my kitchen floor with my shirt over my face. Literally the worst night of my life.

I started writing for MSF two days later after comparing the Vikings-Saints game to lyrics by Hootie and the Blowfish. Weirdest thing I’ve ever written. At least something good came out of it.

It boils down to this:

Some smart NFL franchise that values winning and player development should hire Marty Schottenheimer, who is one of the most underrated coaches, in any sport, of my lifetime.

We hear often, and correctly, that winning football games in the National Football League is hard. When there is a movie called Any Given Sunday based on the well-known and legitimate sentiment that margins between winning and losing in the NFL are razor thin, extra value should be placed on a coach who can win consistently, at a high level, and in multiple places.

Allow me to introduce you to Marty Schottenheimer.

All He Does Is Win (In The Regular Season Anyway)

I have been very encouraged by recent reports that the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are looking to hire Marty. If I ran the Jacksonville Jaguars, I’d have cut the Mularkey and strongly considered Marty as well. If I were the Dolphins or the Raiders or the Rams any other team looking for a coach, I’d take a good, long, hard look at Marty too.

Why? I think DJ Khaled’s famous line (tweaked a bit) says it best: all he does is win.

Before I present Marty’s downright ridiculous regular season coaching record, let’s get the negative out of the way right now: he sucks in the playoffs.

When you’ve coached in 18 playoff games and only won five of them, it’s fair to say that you suck in the playoffs.

I’m about to laud Marty for an incredible record of regular season statistics he has compiled; it’s only fair to point out areas where his coaching record does not impress. Any way you slice it, dice it, toss it, turn it, Marty hasn’t been able to get it done in the playoffs with myriad opportunities.

But think about that last phrase as it relates to the playoffs: myriad opportunities.

Unless you are among the handful of great-to-excellent coaches currently in the NFL – Belichick, Reid, McCarthy, Tomlin, Payton, just to name a few – you probably are not getting myriad opportunities at the playoffs. And make no mistake: it is a huge accomplishment to make the playoffs in the NFL. If just winning a game is “hard” think about the difficulty level of winning enough games to reach the playoffs. Now consider doing that 13 times.

Does 5-13 suck in the playoffs? Yes. It sucks bad. But that number 13 is impressive when it represents the 13 teams you’ve led to the playoffs in 20+ seasons as an NFL coach.

How many other coaches in NFL history have made the playoffs in 65% of their seasons?

A couple other fun notes I bet you didn’t realize:

• Marty finished with 9 wins in three of the years he missed the playoffs; so he had nine or more wins in 16 of his 20 full seasons coaching in the NFL
• Only one time – once – did a Marty-coached team finish with fewer than seven wins over a 16-game schedule.
• Since being fired by San Diego after going 14-2 but losing in the Divisional Round in 2006, Marty hasn’t been able to land another NFL head coaching gig.

And it’s this last note that shows just foolish NFL franchises can be.

I’ve alluded to it, but now it’s time to bring out the ultimate trump card in any sports debate. Winning.

Here is Marty’s regular season record and winning percentage in his four NFL head coaching stops:

• Cleveland (’84-’88): 44-27, .620
• Kansas City (’89-’98): 101-58-1, .635
• Washington (’01): 8-8
• San Diego (’02-’06): 47-33, .588
• Total: 200-126-1, .613

Marty Schottenheimer has won 200 regular season NFL games against only 126 losses and one tie. It’s a remarkable record that gets far too little respect. Yes, the playoff failures are a blotch on his resume, but what he’s done in 18 games doesn’t discount what he’s done in the 327 other ones he’s coached.

Also consider this:

• The Cleveland Browns were 1-7 when he took over in the middle of the ’84 season. They proceeded to go 4-4 the rest of that season, then 44-27 under Marty in the ensuing years; and we all know what happened in the AFC Championship Games against Denver…
• The Chiefs were 8-22 in the two seasons prior to Marty taking over.
• The Redskins were 8-8 the year before Marty took over, but maintaining mediocrity in Washington is impressive given this context: it came under Daniel Snyder, and the Redskins have had only three .500 or better seasons since.
• The San Diego Chargers were 6-26 in the two seasons prior to Marty taking over.

There is no substitute for winning in sports. None. It’s not the be all, end all in any debate, nor should it be the only consideration when hiring a coach; but it damn sure better be a huge part of the discussion. Marty may not have won a championship yet*, and he may never win one, but he would be a great head coaching choice for a lot of teams.

* – For the record, Marty is coming off a UFL championship this past season. Maybe he’s gotten the professional football playoff monkey off of his back? Hmm…

NFL’s Losers Should Consider Winning Schottenheimer

You know who else’s playoff record is spotty over the last decade? The Miami Dolphins. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers. The Oakland Raiders. The Jacksonville Jaguars. The St. Louis Rams. You’re telling me that going one-and-done in the playoffs, the general expectation for a Marty-coached team, wouldn’t be a vast improvement over what these franchises are currently doing? I sure think it would be.

As they say, just make it to the dance then anything can happen. Don’t poo-poo a man’s ability to guide teams into the NFL’s second season. Just because other coaches have gotten hot at the right times doesn’t mean they are necessarily better overall football coaches than others who haven’t.

A few caveats: Marty is old (68) and I grant that he’s not a potential home run hire like a Sean Payton or a Mike Tomlin or even a Jim Harbaugh. Marty is a guy who may only coach for a few years, and he’s well known for being a stern disciplinarian. Players are sure not to like that at first, but who cares? These guys are being paid millions to win football games, not to have a coach warm the toilet seat for them before they sit down.

Tampa Bay imploded this year with a lot of young talent and a players’ coach. Maybe they need a little Martyball, a little Hamburger Drill in their lives to maximize their potential.

If some NFL team is smart, it will pair Marty with a young, talented roster and let him maximize that team’s growth through accountability and discipline. Will he win you a Super Bowl? Maybe not. Will he make you competitive and get you to the playoffs? His track record certainly suggests so.

And if you’re a fan of the Dolphins, the Raiders, the Bucs, or any other fledgling franchise just looking for something to believe in, doesn’t annual competitiveness and probable playoff spots sound good right about now? It better. Otherwise your expectations are bit out of whack with reality.

Conclusion: Brief Memo To NFL GMs

Someone, anyone, hire the most underrated football in history. Marty’s earned it. Hell, he even won a professional football championship just to prove to you that he is capable of doing the one thing everyone always criticizes him for.

And we know one thing: if Marty does ever get that elusive Super Bowl title, no one will ever look more like a boss taking the Gatorade bath.

**********

Matt Flynn, Matthew Stafford Have Record-Setting Day in Lambeau

By throwing for 520 yards in a losing effort, Stafford became the third NFL QB to throw for 5,000 yards this year, joining Drew Brees and Tom Brady. Those three could be joined by Eli Manning if he throws for 413 yards for the Giants v. the Cowboys on Sunday Night Football.

Flynn threw for 480 yards and six touchdowns, BOTH GREEN BAY TEAM RECORDS. Absolutely amazing how he put his name in the Packers record books considering virtually all the games started in the last 20 years (315 games) were either by a guy named Favre or Rodgers.

That’s two QB’s, exactly 1,000 yards passing (a record-breaking 971 yards net) – and you thought Baylor v. Washington marked the end of the Mayan calendar.

And, despite resting several regulars besides Rodgers, the Packers succeeded in beating the Lions at home for a 20^th consecutive year.

Not long ago, I actually felt sorry for Detroit. Now, however, I have little sympathy for the Lions and their already tired, arrogant act. I’m looking forward to Detroit’s winless streak in the state of Wisconsin reaching the point that Rodgers will soon be throwing to receivers who were not even born when Mel Gray went off way back in 1991.

Matt Flynn (Re)Emerges…What Now?

It turns out the loss in Kansas City a couple weeks back was not the worst thing in the world to happen. Had the Pack gone into Week 17 at 15-0, Mike McCarthy would have almost been forced to start #12. This way, Matt Flynn got some very valuable playing time – and if by some off-chance Aaron were to go down during the playoffs, it is now known (and GB already knew) that there is a more than capable man waiting in relief. As Don Majkowski was a one-year wonder in 1989, Flynn is a one-game wonder (two if you count last year’s game against New England), and at the present time a better insurance policy than Rodgers could ever get from State Farm.

And to emphasize again, this was not back in the dome in Detroit, or even on a halfway mild day like most of December was in Sconnie. It was like winter suddenly realized that the calendar just turned to January, with Packer Weather – complete with high winds – finally making an appearance.

But Flynn was SO good Sunday that not only did he ultimately make himself a lot of money, but also raised a couple questions not even thinkable even after a couple of Cherry Bombs at a New Year’s Eve party 24 hours earlier…

• Is Flynn now franchise tag material? He would still eventually be shipped out of Green Bay, but not before being flipped for first-round draft choices.

• Or, if the Packers repeat as Super Bowl Champions – and with his value being at it’s absolute peak, could Ted Thompson trade Aaron Rodgers and make Flynn the 2012 starter? They could even find an organization (Dan Snyder/Redskins?) desperate enough to pull a Mike Ditka and TRADE AN ENTIRE DRAFT.

I’ll address option #2 first. If you think Rodgers is going anywhere, you are still cycling down from the New Year’s cocktails. Hypothetically, if Rodgers went down in a playoff game and GB won the Super Bowl with Flynn, then I might dare say a QB controversy would surface, and even then Rodgers is likely still the man. But then who thought Peyton Manning’s future would be questioned 12 months ago…

As for placing the franchise tag on Flynn, there is too much of a $$$ risk.  Under the new CBA, Flynn could be tendered as a non-exclusive franchise player and be offered the average salary of the five highest-salaried QBs over the past five years. The Packers would have a right to match any contract offer by other teams, or refuse and get two first-round draft picks in return. The downside is that if there are no takers the Packers are ‘stuck’ paying a #2 quarterback $15 million in 2012 (higher salary than Rodgers). In addition the franchise tag would not then be available for TE Jermichael Finley and he would likely walk.

Top 12 Potential Free Agent Destinations for Matt Flynn

Barring the above two unlikely scenarios playing out, Matt Flynn will get his starting shot somewhere else in 2012, and he is suddenly the hottest commodity on the free agent market. Here are the top-ten (actually top 12) landing spots as I see it if Flynn is an unrestricted free agent this offseason:

10.  Denver

Is Matt Flynn better long-term than Tim Tebow? You can definitely make that argument. But John Fox and John Elway are all-in on the Tebow experiment for all of 2012. If Tebow doesn’t make a leap next year, then they will be more in the QB market in 2013; but they will sit this year out.

9. Miami/Tampa Bay/Jacksonville

I throw the entire state of Florida in as a package, as all three will be undergoing major overhauls and likely all three with new coaches. Of the three, I only see the Dolphins as a halfway attractive opportunity that Flynn would actually be interested in, and vice versa.

8. Minnesota

Seeing Flynn go to the purple early in his career would be far worse than seeing Favre wind up there in his dying years. Despite a 3-13 record, some pieces would be in place with Adrian Peterson, Jared Allen, and a #3 overall draft pick on board. But the Vikes are one of many teams who are already committed with a high 2011 first-round pick (Christian Ponder) so I don’t see the Twin Cities as a landing spot.

7. Tennessee

It is known that Jake Locker is a project, not unlike Tim Tebow. But it’s unlikely that the Titans will pull the plug just one year after making Locker a #8 overall pick.

6. Kansas City

The Chiefs got a good test drive with Kyle Orton and found out what the Broncos and Bears already know: nice QB, but not enough to get them to the next level. There is no dominant team in the AFC West and Dwayne Bowe is a nice #1 target.

5. New York Jets

One of these days this franchise and its fans will finally realize that Mark Sanchez is the NFL’s answer to Ryan Howard. The question is whether the organization will come to their senses this year and look into Flynn. The Jets would be a possibility considering the team is still a contender, and the fan base is demanding to the point that NY might be a player.

4. Cleveland

The Browns do not have that much invested In Colt McCoy, who also has a concussion history dating back to his Texas Longhorn days. Mike Holmgren, and the organization in general, has to make the big splash one of these off-seasons.

3. Washington

I could even put the ‘Skins as the #1 landing spot, especially if Flynn is attracted to the bright lights of the NFC East. The team may be a couple years away, but you know Dan Snyder will spend the cash.

2. Seattle

Wouldn’t be the first Green Bay understudy to eventually migrate to the Pacific Northwest – and Flynn’s name was trending in Seattle on Twitter at the peak of Sunday’s game. The Seahawks have not been bad hovering around .500 the past two years with Pete Carroll, and they definitely have a glaring QB need.

1. Arizona

Signing Kevin Kolb for 6 years/$65 million ($21 million+ guaranteed) was a bad move from the minute the Cards made the move minutes after the end of the NFL lockout. Even with John Skelton at QB, Arizona rallied to finish with an 8-8 record. Flynn could be close to what the franchise had with Kurt Warner a couple years back. The Cards should cut bait with Kolb as soon as they can. If they can do it in a way that makes financial sense this offseason, Flynn would be a better investment and instantly make Arizona instantly a player again in the NFC West.

You may remember his recent “Factory of Sadness” video that went viral throughout the sports blogosphere. Well he’s at at it again, this time ranting on Pittsburgh Steelers fans and the Browns-Steelers “rivalry” before Thursday night’s game.

Pay special attention to his excoriation of the “terrible towels” and his explanation for why no one, ever, can accuse a Browns fan of being fair-weather.

Classic.

Well done Mike Polk. Keep ‘em coming.

It was the battered Browns’ quarterback Colt McCoy, slumping his shoulders with a disappointed and depressed look on his face after yet another though loss.

Via: Bleacher Report, Jason Miller/Getty Images

I have seen this look on a lot Browns’ quarterbacks over the years, but I never felt so much sympathy as I do for Colt.  You can tell that guy works so hard in practice, in the film room, and during the off season.

But on Sundays, nothing seems to click.

Whether it is wide receivers dropping passes, offensive linemen blowing blocks, or poor play calling, all the blame still falls on Colt’s shoulders.

This is very unfair at times, because Colt has absolutely no weapons on offense (although you can make a case for Hillis when he is healthy).  His wide receivers are awful. Greg Little leads the team in receiving yards and he is ranked 52th in league, stuck behind the infamous Darrius Heyward-Bey.

The offensive line has really struggled because of Eric Steinbach’s injury, and Colt has been smacked around all year.  He has been sacked a total of 32 times this season.

Plus, Pat Shurmer’s play calling has been basic, bland, and predictable.  It is so bad that former GM and NFL writer Michael Lombardi plays a game with a former NFL coach, in which Lombardi says,

“I tell my friend the personnel group, the formation, where the ball is located on the field and what hash mark and describe the motion — if there is any — and ask him to tell me the exact play that will be run. He is correct about 95 percent of the time.”

But, Colt has to take some blame for his poor play too.

He has struggled picking up blitzes, he has missed open receivers, and forced a lot of passes.  During the 4th quarter in the Steelers game, only down 7-3, he threw a bad pass to Mohamed Massaquoi which was intercepted in the end zone and killed Cleveland’s momentum.

Even though Colt makes plenty of head scratching mistakes and does not seem that he has as much potential as Cleveland fans have hoped for, there are still three qualities that he has that makes me root for him every Sunday.

First, he is a winner and I love that quality in a quarterback and in a leader.  Like most pro players Colt has been very successful in high school and college, but has struggled to win in the NFL.  You can tell from his demeanor and his focus that we wants to win at the pro level, but at the moment he does not have the talent or the talent around him to do so.

Second, he is tough as nails.  Colt has been banged up this season and has taken plenty of big hits, none bigger than the helmet crushing hit James Harrison laid on him last game, which led to his concussion.  But Colt displayed his toughness and came back in two plays later; but unfortunately he threw a costly interception almost immediately.

Last, he is just a likeable guy.

You can tell that he works hard everyday to try to improve his skills and that he loves playing football.  Plus, he is way cooler than that prick J.D McCoy.

Also, because of work ethic and toughness you can’t secretly root against him like you could for tools like Braylon Edwards, Carson Palmer, or in some cases Derek Anderson — although in Derek’s defensive he takes this shit serious, real serious. (Okay I never secretly rooted against DA, I just wanted to use that joke.)

With McCoy’s job security in question for next season, plus his concussion that might prevent him from playing the rest of the season, Colt’s future in Cleveland looks bleak. But if he keeps up his hard work and the toughness that Browns fans see every Sunday, maybe McCoy can turn himself into the winning quarterback he has always planned to be.

But today, the phrase “suck for Luck” has nothing to do with a certain NFL team losing game after game and positioning themselves for the #1 pick. Rather, it has to do with the Nike Pro Combat unis that Stanford wore Saturday night.

Which sucked.

Photo credit: AP Photo/Paul Sakuma via ESPN.com

I’ve seen some bad version of the Nike Pro Combat unis (Georgia’s immediately come to mind), but these may the worst. Black helmets? Black numbers? For Stanford? I suppose the jersey itself isn’t bad, but nothing about it says Stanford. And, um, isn’t that what jerseys are supposed to do?

I have a solution.

We need to get this guy on the case:

Seriously, can you imagine the indignation if this bro had seen that Stanford-Notre Dame game? He’d have downed the entire bottle of 1800 by halftime because of those uniforms.

Whatever happened to men, Michael Imperibroli? Nike. And it’s Pro Combat Uniforms. That’s what.

Now drink up while I break down the NFL’s top/bottom 10 in the race to draft Matt Barkley or Robert Griffin (if they go pro) since the race to draft Luck is pretty much done.

NFL Suck For Luck Power Rankings: Week 13

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1. Indianapolis Colts (0-11)

Breaking news: the Colts lost again.

Here is their remaining schedule. You tell me where a win might come from: at New England, at Baltimore, vs Tennessee, vs Houston, at Jacksonville.

• They sure as hell aren’t beating New England or Baltimore. In fact, they might lose by a combined 100 points.
• I suppose they could beat Tennessee, but the Titans should still be alive in AFC South race then.
• Houston at home is a possibility depending on their QB situation, and if they have the AFC South clinched, but I think the Texans could win just direct snapping it to Arian Foster.
• Week 17 at Jacksonville is a possibility because any team quarterbacked by Blaine Gabbert could lose to any team quarterbacked by anyone else – even you, dear reader.

So, with nothing else really to say about this sorry sack of a Manning-less team, here is a picture of Curtis Painter doing one of the few things he does better than Peyton Manning: carrying laundry.

Photo credit: USA Today

2. St. Louis Rams (2-9)

That’s it. I’m done with the Rams. And they still have to play San Francisco twice! If you own Steven Jackson in fantasy, trade him. Trade him now.

3. San Diego Chargers (4-7)

A bunch of the other craptastic teams won this weekend, so we’ll bump the sorry Chargers all the way up to #3. When you start out 4-1 then lose six straight games, each in excruciating fashion, you get rewards like this.

It’s safe to say that the Norv Turner Era will soon be ending in San Diego, and all 16 of their die-hard fans must be thrilled with that news.

In honor of the Chargers’ rapid ascent up these Suck For Luck Power Rankings, here is the most disturbing image of Philip Rivers on the first page of a Google Image search for his name:

Image source: Pyromaniac

Ah, what the hell. Here’s another one:

Image source: Pyromaniac

My apologies in advance for any nightmares you have tonight.

4. Carolina Panthers (3-8)

Let’s not carried away with excitement here. You beat Indianapolis, and you allowed them to score 19 points. And congrats on running all over them, but everyone does that.

5. Cleveland Browns (4-7)

The Browns jumped out to an early lead over the Bengals, only to give it away to the clear #1 football team in the state of Ohio (since Ohio State is down this year).

But hey, at least Peyton Hillis was back! Maybe now he can start to recapture the magic of 2010. Assuming, of course, that he doesn’t get anymore sore throats or have any more shotgun weddings.

6. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-7)

The Bucs have now lost five in a row, and they actually make the Colts looks suffocating against the run. Chris Johnson hasn’t been able to juke a brown paper sack this year, yet he racked up 190 yards against the Bucs on Sunday.

The only question for this team now, with the playoffs clearly out of the question, is does Raheem Morris make it to next year? If the Bucs want to have any hope of not squandering the talent they’ve accumulated, I say the answer is no. We’ll see.

7. Philadelphia Eagles (4-7)

Yes, I think the Vikings and Dolphins, among others, would beat the Eagles right now. That is how bad this team is playing. Their coaches are yelling at eachother on the sidelines, Desean Jackson isn’t blatantly short-arming catch attempts, and good players are getting injured one right after another.

Side note: when Andy Reid gets his walking papers at the end of the year, and it’s becoming likely that he will, some team looking for a head coach (hello Dolphins!) better snatch him up quickly. I’ll agree that perhaps it’s time for a parting of the ways in Philly. Sometimes that happens, even to good coaches. Sometimes change is needed. But it doesn’t mean Reid is no longer a good, perhaps even great, NFL coach. I don’t think he’d stay unemployed for long.

Now, apropos of absolutely nothing, here is a video of a hippo releasing a little pressure after a second helping of Thanksgiving dinner.

8. Minnesota Vikings (2-9)

Yes, the Vikings have now replaced the Rams as the team I irrationally support despite their record. But seriously, the Vikings have played decent football in hanging tough at Atlanta without Adrian Peterson and almost coming back to beat Oakland. Can you honestly tell me you don’t think Minnesota could beat the seven teams above them on this list?

9. Seattle Seahawks (4-7)

You lose at home to Rex Grossman and the Redskins, you make this list. It’s as simple as that.

10. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-8)

Frankly, I kind of forgot about the Jaguars. Had I remembered them, I probably would have placed them in the 4-6 range because Blaine Gabbert sucks so much. But out of deference to the great Maurice Jones-Drew, who continues to play hard and churn out tons of yards in losing efforts, I’m going to keep the Jags here.

Seriously though, watch Gabbert in the pocket anytime anyone gets near him. He freezes up and braces for contact instead of standing in there like a man and delivering a throw (which I obviously would do if I were a professional football player). I wonder what Michael Imperioli would have to say about that after a few shots of 1800 tequila.

Honorable mention: Kansas City Chiefs (4-7), Washington Redskins (4-7), Arizona Cardinals (4-7), Buffalo Bills (5-6).

Honestly, all four of those teams deserved mention. There is a pretty clear line between the top 18 teams in the NFL and the bottom 14. So congrats to everyone who made this list! You officially suck.

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Combine Stanford’s loss to Oregon two weekend ago with Luck’s pedestrian numbers against Cal on Saturday (20-30, 257 yards, 2 TDs, 1 INT in a 31-28 win), and then mix in superlative performances by Baylor’s Robert Griffin III and USC’s Matt Barkley this past Saturday, and Luck doesn’t seem luck such a clear-cut #1 prospect any more, now does he?

Don’t get me wrong, Luck’s still the guy. If the NFL draft were held today, the Indianapolis Colts would snatch Luck up quicker than you can say “Peyton” and then deal with the ramifications later. Plus, we don’t even know if RG3 or Barkley are going to turn pro after this year.

Griffin surely won’t get the respect his performances and athletic ability deserve once NFL scouts start picking apart the simplicity of the offense he operates in, so he is unlikely to be a surefire top 10 pick. That, plus a desire to to win the Heisman (if he doesn’t this year) and take Baylor to even greater heights may compel him to stay in school.

As for Barkley, he has persevered through so much at USC while the school serves its punishment for crimes that happened before he got there. The Trojans have loads of talent and will be bowl eligible again next year. It seems reasonable to think he may want to stay for his senior year and finish what he started, though he’ll likely be projected as a higher pick than Griffin, making such a decision that much harder.

(Side note: remember when Landry Jones was discussed in the same sentence with these three guys? About that…)

Back to Luck.

Even with Griffin and Barkley seemingly closing the gap this weekend, Luck is still the guy I’d want my team taking if they had the chance. It’s become clear as the season has gone along that Luck simply doesn’t have great weapons to work with on offense, and that is depressing his still great numbers. For the season, Luck is still completing over 70% of his passes and has thrown 31 TDs against only 8 INTs.

So though some fans may be tempted to implore their teams to “stiffen for Griffin” or “keep missing the mark(ley) to get Barkley” (wow, that one sucks), Colts fans should still be hopeful that their team will maintain its “suck for Luck” trajectory. He still has franchise QB written all over him.

And now onto this week’s Suck for Luck Power Rankings, where not being #1 no longer looks quite so awful.

NFL Suck For Luck Power Rankings: Week 12

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1. Indianapolis Colts (0-10)

This is the first Monday that the Colts haven’t had to lament a loss all season. Score!

In celebration of the Colts not losing, here is a picture of Colts Jim Irsay and his smiling daughter Casey.

Image credit: Charlie Nye via The Indianapolis Star

2. St. Louis Rams (2-8)

That’s it. I’m done with the Rams.

I’ve supported this team all year, always ranking them lower in these rankings than their record or performance suggested. Why? I don’t know why. I guess because I foolishly keeping believing that Sam Bradford and Josh McDaniels will get this crappy offense going.

Well, when you get trounced at home by Tarvaris Jackson, Pete Carrol, and the Seahawks, you lose my support.

Sam Bradford “can’t believe how bad this season has been“? Join the club.

3. Carolina Panthers (2-8)

Here is another team that I’ve lost faith in. The Panthers were really playing well despite their 2-6 record before their bye came. Since then, they’ve gotten trounced by the Titans, and yesterday they gave up 49 points to Detroit in the process of blowing a big early lead.

Cam Newton is outstanding, and he continues to make the Panthers’ offense fun to watch, but you have to stop someone every now and again to win games. Considering new head coach Ron Rivera is a defensive-minded guy, hopefully he can get their defensive woes turned around. Maybe a high draft pick will help?

4. Washington Redskins (3-7)

The Redskins actually turned in an inspired performance yesterday in taking the Cowboys to overtime. They even had a chance to win, but Graham Gano’s field goal sailed wide and the Redskins once again snatched defeat from the jaws of victory.

The Redskins’ loss also included this bizarre play call from one of Mike Shanahan’s henchman…which really is a perfect visual representation for what Redskins football has become: inexplicable.

 GIF source: Imgur via Reddit

5. Arizona Cardinals (3-7)

I am ranking Arizona below the Rams, Panthers, and Redskins out of respect for Larry Fitzgerald, because he continues to be amazing. But my goodness is their QB situation awful. I know the 49ers have the best defense in the NFL, but that performance yesterday by John Skelton made Derek Anderson look like a Pro Bowler (again…remember when that happened?).

It’s not good when you’re longing for Kevin Kolb to be under center, but that’s what it has come to for Arizona.

6. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-7)

Congratulations, you lost to the Cleveland Browns. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

On the bright side, Blaine Gabbert threw for more than 100 yards! He actually tossed for 210 yards. But once again he did not throw a TD, and his yards per attempt was an anemic 5.1.

Is there anyone who wouldn’t take Luck, Barkley, or Griffin (hell, even Landry Jones) over Gabbert? I don’t think so. The Jags are going to regret this pick for a long time.

7. Cleveland Browns (4-6)

Has a team ever had an emptier four wins than Cleveland? They’ve beaten Indy, Miami back when the Dolphins were just giving games away, Seattle in a 6-3 barnburner, and the woeful Jags last week.

Bill Parcells famously said “you are what your record says you are” and I usually believe it. But come on. The Browns being “a 4-win team” is terribly false advertising. Yes, it’s technically true, but it implies some level of football competence. And those two words really never should be next to eachother when the subject is the Browns.

8. Minnesota Vikings (2-8)

Yeah, I probably have the Vikings too high, but consider this a continued show of respect for Adrian Peterson and Jared Allen. I think yesterday’s game against Oakland goes much differently if Peterson played the whole game, and I think the Vikings have actually found a QB they can build around, unlike everyone on this list except for Carolina (and maybe the Rams…maybe).

Also, I didn’t want to put the Vikings any higher on this list and make Drew Lange cry like a little girl. That would have been tragic.

9. San Diego Chargers (4-6)

As I perused the rest of the 4-6 teams, the Chargers stood out as the team playing the worst. They’ve dropped five straight and Philip Rivers is playing like absolute horsecrap. It’s shocking that a team that seemingly has so much talent could be so bad, but we’ve seen it from these Chargers year after year, with this recent five-game skid perhaps being the nadir.

A 14-2 season from Marty Schottenheimer doesn’t look so bad anymore, now does it?

In honor of one of the most unnecessarily disrespected good coaches in NFL history, here is Marty taking a Gatorade bath like an absolute boss.

10. Buffalo Bills (5-5)

I know that the Bills have a better record than Miami, Seattle, Tampa Bay, Kansas City, and Philadelphia, and that they’re even with Tennessee, the Jets, and Denver, but when you lose three straight games by a combined score of 106-26, and you’re having buyer’s remorse just a few weeks after signing your QB to a long-term contract extension, you get included in the Suck For Luck Rankings.

As for the honorable mentions, which I just mentioned, Kansas City better not get too comfortable. I’m keeping my eye on them, especially with Matt Cassel out and Tyler Palko not in. They face New England tonight on Monday Night Football, which very well could turn into a massacre. But hey, at least for this week, they’re better than the Bills!

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Got any gripes? That’s what the comment section is for. Have at it.

That’s probably how a lot of you felt after last week’s fantasy results. If you had a bad week, join the crowd.

It appears that certain defenses (the Cowboys, Titans, and others) may have finally caught up with certain offenses (Bills, Panthers, and others) after the long offseason, which led to some surprising and disappointing performances in Week 10.

But not for Aaron Rodgers owners. Never for Aaron Rodgers owners.

No worries.  If you have a bad week, it’s not your fault; it was just one of those weeks.  Good grief, the Chicago Bears’ DEFENSE was the number one fantasy player last week.  Let’s just write it off as an off week and get back on the horse, ready for Week 11.

Last Week’s Picks: 9 for 18 (50 %)

• Hits: Philip Rivers, Tony Romo, Jay Cutler, Andy Dalton, KC/Denver Running Backs, Michael Turner, Knowshon Moreno, NE Running Backs
• Misses: Ryan Fitzpatrick, Mark Sanchez, Eli Manning, DeAngelo Williams, Steve Breaston, Pierre Garcon, Josh Cribbs, Deion Branch, Jake Ballard

Once again, “Start Em” guys are QBs/TEs outside of the Top 12 and RBs/WRs outside of the Top 25. “Sit Em Guys” include QBs/TEs that are in the Top 12 and RBs/WRs that are in the Top 25.

Just a reminder, the following teams are on bye this week…so make sure to rest any players on these teams:

• Indianapolis
• New Orleans
• Pittsburgh
• Houston

Fantasy Football Start Em, Sit Em Picks for Week 11: QB

Start Em QB: Tim Tebow

I understand I will probably be the ONLY fantasy “Expert” this week who will predict success for Tim Tebow against the Jets in Week 11.  Just hear me out.

After starting only FOUR games out of ten, Tebow is already the 23rd ranked QB in all of Fantasy.  Not the 23rd best QB since he became a starter…the 23rd best QB for the entire year.

Now I know Tebow looked bad against a Detroit defense that put a lot of pressure on him – something that the Jets will definitely try to emulate; but the Jets’ passing defense isn’t exactly elite.  They rank 8th overall, which isn’t too shabby, but they aren’t untouchable through the air (Detroit is ranked 2nd by the way).  And oh, by the way, he still finished with 12 fantasy points against Detroit, which would have been good for 14th best this past week…again, not awesome by any means, but still a starter in deep leagues.

And just think about the matchups.  Darrelle Revis will take away…who?  Does it really matter?  It’s not like the Broncos’ passing attack will REALLY miss Eric Decker, or Demariyus Thomas, or whoever Revis will be guarding.

Remember, you don’t need Tebow to be PRETTY to be effective in fantasy.

Tim Tebow fantasy football Week 11 projection: 120 passing yards, 1 TD and 1 INT; 50 rushing yards, 1 TD (this would be good for 20 points…definitely a a top ten Fantasy QB in almost any given week).

Other start ‘em QBs for Week Eleven:

• Matt Moore – Buffalo’s pass defense is absolutely atrocious.
• Matt Stafford – Bounce back game against a terrible Carolina team.

Sit Em QB: Cam Newton

Is anybody else scared that the league has started to figure him out a little bit?  What Tennessee did last week against the great Cam Newton was interesting – they played him like he was a quarterback.  The Titans basically decided that Newton would probably beat them on the ground a few times a game, as those plays are unstoppable even if you plan for them.  But if they could confuse him in the pocket, they could have success against him.  And they did.

The Lions’ pass defense is, once again, the second best unit in the league.  Be careful starting the wunderkind in Week 11.

Cam Newton fantasy football Week 11 projection: 200 yards, 2 INTs.  40 rushing yards.

Other sit ‘em QBs for Week Eleven:

• Mark Sanchez – I think the Jets will definitely try to rebound well after the disaster against New England, but with a short week in store I think they rebound on the ground…not with the Sanchize’s arm.
• Joe Flacco – Just…say…no.

Jerod’s thoughts:

I have emphatically said no to Tebow every week since his first as the starter. My reluctance to trust him has had less to do with my faith in his ability – I’m on record numerous times on this site saying I think he can be a winning QB in the right system – and far more to do with my lack of faith in John Fox’s faith in Tebow. I’ve thought that there was at least a decent chance of Tebow being pulled in the last couple of games if things got out of hand, and I wasn’t willing to risk a QB slot on a chance like that. But now, with Tebow grabbing a more firm grip on the starting job, it’s okay to deploy him with some confidence. I wouldn’t particularly want him as my QB this week against an angry Jets team, but I can seem him squeezing out 10-12 points.

As for Cam, the entire time struggled last week. I’m not ready to write him off, but being cautious with rookie QBs is always smart, especially later in the season as their bodies and focus start to hit a wall.

I bet Flacco rebounds and has a better week that you think. It’s his, and the Ravens, M.O.

Fantasy Football Start Em, Sit Em Picks for Week 11: RBs

Start Em RB: Marshawn Lynch

I’m not really a huge fan of Lynch in general, but he’s actually had a surprisingly solid season so far from a fantasy perspective.  This week, his Seahawks will travel on the road and face a tough division rival on the road.

Lol.

I know.  It’s just the NFC West.  But they WILL be playing the St. Louis Rams…a team who is second to last in the league against the run.  Start Lynch with confidence this week.

Surely Ray Lewis would.

And Tracy Porter…

Marshawn Lynch fantasy football Week 11 projection: 150 total yards, 1 TD

Other start ‘em RBs for Week Eleven:

• Reggie Bush – He’s been hot lately, and he should have a hey-day against the Bills.
• Kendall Hunter – I expect the 49ers to run away and hide from the Cardinals this week…and Hunter will be a beneficiary.

Sit Em RB: Beanie Wells

I’ve been very wrong about him this year.  Right now, he’s in the top 12 of all Running Backs.  However, he’s not doing ANYTHING this week against the best defense in the National Football League.  (Scroll down for Jerod’s obligatory love session with the 49ers).

Beanie Wells fantasy football Week 11 projection: 45 total yards

Other sit ‘em RBs for Week Eleven:

• Michael Bush – Minnesota is still VERY good against the run…expect them to make Carson Palmer beat them.
• Kansas City Running Backs – A lot of things going against them this week…the Pats should have a big lead, the Pats are pretty good against the run, and the lack of Matt Cassel will allow the Pats to to focus on the run even MORE.

Jerod’s thoughts:

I think it’s safe to start treating the 49ers’ D like we treat the Steelers’ and Ravens’ defenses in their heyday: you simply don’t start opposing running backs against them. The 49ers give up 73.2 yards rushing a game, and the next rushing touchdown they give up will be their first this season.

As for Lynch, agreed. I’ve been slow to jump on his bandwagon as well, but he’s earned it. And the matchup is very, very tasty this week.

I would caution folks against sitting Michael Bush though. Minnesota’s run D is good, but it’s not great; and Bush has proven that he can put up numbers when Run DMC is hurt (and he still has not practiced). Palmer may well throw early and often, but the Raiders’ are a run-first team, and Bush is good enough to start against a defense (except, of course, the 49ers).

Fantasy Football Start em, Sit em Picks for Week 11: WRs

Start Em WR: Mario Manningham

The Giants and Eli Manning will have something to prove against the Eagles on Sunday Night, and Philadelphia won’t be able to do much about it.  Asomugha will probably match up against Nicks, and Victor Cruz will garner more attention as he’s been targeted a lot in recent weeks.  Look for the speedster from Michigan to have a big night.

Mario Manningham fantasy football Week 11 projection: 7 receptions, 120 yards, 1 TD

Other start ‘em WRs for Week Eleven:

• Laurent Robinson – It seems like Romo picks a new random dude every year to become his go-to guy halfway through the season. As long as Miles Austin is out, expect Robinson to put up some good numbers.
• Mike Williams – Green Bay is pretty bad against the pass…I like Tampa Bay’s potential against them in the air.

Sit Em WR: Eric Decker

Revis Island.  I think Decker will actually beat him deep once…but not for a TD.

Eric Decker fantasy football Week 11 projection: 2 catches for 45 yards

Other Sit ‘em WRs for Week Eleven:

• Dwyane Bowe – Rough day for the Chiefs…Matt Cassell’s injury will hurt them all.

Jerod’s thoughts:

I feel like we may need to institute some rules in this column to challenge you Jon. The first rule would be this: you are not allowed to pick a wide receiver going up against the best cover corner since Deion whose QB just completed two passes in a win. I mean come on. Could it get any more obvious?

However, to show you that I still love you anyway Jon, I will implore readers to check out your terrific analysis of the differences between college basketball and the NBA, and why you are so much more a fan of the latter.

Now, you’re Dwayne Bowe pick is excellent. At least let him show that he and Tyler Palko have come chemistry before you trust him this late in the season.

I agree with all of your start picks, especially Mike Williams. No really, this is the week he finally breaks out and gets into the end zone. I PROMISE!

Fantasy Football Start em, Sit em Picks for Week 11: TEs

Start Em TE: Greg Olsen

I think Cam will have to check down an awful lot as Detroit puts a lot of pressure on him and shows him some more elaborate coverages.  Olsen should rise to the occasion and have a pretty nice game in the process.

 Greg Olsen fantasy football Week 10 projection: 7 receptions, 80 yards

Sit Em TE: Jermichael Finley

I know he’s a top five fantasy Tight End in terms of talent…but he’s just WAY too inconsistent for my liking.  Be careful of starting him against the Buccaneers.

Jermichael Finley fantasy football Week 10 projection: 1 reception, 10 yards, 0 TD

Jerod’s Thoughts:

I actually have to disagree with both of these picks. While I appreciate your logic in taking Olsen, also consider that the Lions are giving up just 5.9 fantasy points per game to opposing tight ends this year. The Bucs, on the other hand, are one of the more generous teams to opposing tight ends, giving up 8.0 points. I share your frustration with Finley’s inconsistency, but it looks like he is starting to become a more integral part of the offense after his very slow Week 6 and 7 performances.

Another guy to get back in your lineups is Vernon Davis. He finally broke out last week, and I look for a lot more of that in the future, especially as the 49ers continue to trust Alex Smith more and more.

Fantasy Football Start em, Sit em Picks for Week 11: D/ST

Start Em Defense: Jacksonville and Cleveland

Let me just warn you…this should absolutely NOT be a game that you watch even one second of.  However, both fantasy defenses should have a field day in a game that just might finish 6-5.

Sit Em Defense: San Diego

Chicago has really shown me something the last few weeks.  Even if Jay Cutler hasn’t been consistently lighting it up, they have been scoring a lot of points regardless.  Plus, is there more of a slam dunk than Devin Hester against the horrendous Chargers’ special teams units?  Expect Chicago to be playing with a lot of short fields, and put up a lot of points in a game that ends up being a surprising shootout.

Jerod’s Thoughts:

The Jacksonville and Cleveland choices are solid, but question: did you ask Andy Bottoms if it was okay to reference his thoughts from this week’s waiver wire column without attribution?

It’s tough to trust anything going on in San Diego right now, so I can definitely get on board with that pick.

As for an under-the-radar defense to consider, how about the Dolphins? I know they’re competition hasn’t been great lately, but they’ve still shut down to two NFL teams in back to back weeks (Chiefs, Redskins) and they take on the struggling Bills this week. Ryan Fitzpatrick throws a lot of picks.

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The Week 11 Start/Sit picks are in the books. But of course, this is only the beginning. Now the real fun begins in the comment section, so load it up with lineup-specific questions and we’ll get to them throughout the week, culminating with our marathon Sunday morning start/sit live chat, which will go off at 11:00 ET and run all the way up until kickoff.

And don’t forget to stop by and say hello to our friends at Daily Joust. It’s one of the only sites on the web where you can play weekly fantasy NFL, college football, college basketball, NHL, and NBA games…well, scratch that last one, for now…and you’re also helping to support MSF when you sign up.

Good luck in Week 11 everybody! We’ll see you in the comments.

As the final seconds ticked off the clock in Philly, I stuck a fork in the season of my beloved Eagles; but at least I still have hope for the remainder of the season from a fantasy perspective. So no matter where your favorite team rates on the bed-crapping spectrum, the remaining seven weeks of the season still have a chance to bring you some joy.

For reasons unbeknownst to me, there are four teams on bye next week despite the fact that no teams were off this week. Obviously this merciful lack of a game is too little, too late for Colts fans, but the fact that Houston, New Orleans, and Pittsburgh are on bye has a pretty big impact on the fantasy landscape.

Before I dive into this week’s potential waiver wire adds, I wanted to thank Jerod for filling in for me last week. I was actually out in Arizona, so as punishment, I was forced to watch the Cardinals-Rams game.

As always, players listed here are owned in fewer than 50 percent of Yahoo! leagues.

Fantasy Football Week 11 Waiver Wire Pickups: QB

Carson Palmer (36%), Oakland

After torching the Chargers, Palmer is now averaging over 300 yards passing with five scores over this first two starts of the season.  Defenses have to account for the Oakland running game no matter who is in the backfield, which should leave opportunities for Palmer to go downfield.

Adding to his allure is a Week 11 matchup with Minnesota who has allowed eight TD passes in three games leading into Monday night’s affair with Aaron Rodgers. Their secondary may still have their heads spinning from that one by Sunday.

Christian Ponder (15%), Minnesota

Staying in that same game, Oakland’s pass defense has been pretty inept in its own right. They have allowed multiple TDs to opposing quarterbacks in seven of their last eight games. Ponder has acquitted himself fairly well in his first couple games, making him a potential fill-in if you’re desperate.

John Skelton (2%), Arizona

Speaking of desperation, there are a number of intriguing matchup plays at QB like Alex Smith against Arizona or Tarvaris Jackson against the Rams. And while Skelton has an arguably worse matchup against the 49ers, he’s coming off of a big game with 315 yards and three scores versus the Eagles.

The Cardinals will almost certainly be playing from behind, which should mean ample attempts for Skelton.  This is obviously predicated on the fact the team realizes he actually gives them a better chance to win than Kevin Kolb, but you’d be hard-pressed to argue the offense hasn’t been more efficient with him at the helm.

Again, he’s likely an emergency starter at best outside of deep leagues, but I liked what I saw on Sunday.

Fantasy Football Week 11 Waiver Wire Pickups: RB

Maurice Morris (30%), Detroit

There isn’t a ton to like here, but Morris has a couple things working in his favor. First, the Lions play Carolina next week, and the Panthers are among the worst defenses against opposing fantasy running backs. Second, with Matthew Stafford’s finger ailing, the team would be well served to mix a few more runs into the game plan.

That said, it’s hard to recommend Morris as much more than a flex option at this point. If you want to really roll the dice, Kevin Smith is back in the mix for the Lions and had six touches in his first game on Sunday.

Dexter McCluster (27%), Kansas City

McCluster tied a season high with 14 touches against the Broncos, as he rushed for 45 yards on eight carries and caught six balls for 48 yards. You can’t question his explosiveness, but the upcoming schedule features some tough defenses. Still, his involvement in the passing game makes him a potential flex option in PPR leagues.  Just don’t expect a ton of consistency from the second-year back.

Chris Ogbonnaya (25%), Cleveland

After an abysmal showing in his first start last week, Ogbonnaya tallied 109 total yards on Sunday, albeit against the Rams. The matchup against the Jaguars in Week 11 is a tough one, but he should get 20 touches with Peyton Hillis and Montario Hardesty both potentially out again.

Kendall Hunter (18%), San Francisco

With Frank Gore sitting out most of the second half, Hunter was once again the feature back for the 49ers. He finished with six carries for 40 yards and a score to go with one reception for four yards.  The matchup with Arizona next week is a decent one, and given the typical 49ers game plan, Hunter would get close to 20 touches if Gore has to sit out.

There are a number of favorable matchups remaining on San Francisco’s schedule, and Gore isn’t getting any younger. Consequently, Hunter is likely to see his role and fantasy value expand down the stretch.

Lance Ball (5%), Denver

After Willis McGahee and Knowshon Moreno both went down, Ball stepped in and carried the ball 30 times for 96 yards.  With Denver’s run-pass mix on the level of Army or Navy, whoever the primary ball carrier is there has solid fantasy value. Moreno is definitely out, while McGahee’s status is a bit less certain, but Ball is worth a pre-emptive add at the very least.

Fantasy Football Week 11 Waiver Wire Pickups: WR

Laurent Robinson (48%), Dallas

Robinson now has four touchdowns over the past three weeks, and with Miles Austin still nursing a hamstring injury, he will once again be a starter. The Redskins have been pretty effective at limiting opposing wideouts, but the Dallas passing game is hitting on all cylinders heading into that matchup.

Greg Little (14%), Cleveland

After a three-week stretch where he didn’t even break 33 yards, Little caught six passes for 84 yards against the Rams. This might tempt you to pick him up, but the Jags have been tough against opposing wide receivers. It’s not as if the Browns are some kind of offensive juggernaut anyway, so even though the athletic ability is there, consistency won’t be.

Vincent Brown (7%), San Diego

The rookie wideout how has at least 79 yards receiving in two straight weeks, and he nearly missed a second touchdown on Thursday night.  Brown’s value largely hinges on the health of Malcom Floyd, but early indications are that Floyd will be out again this week.

Damian Williams (5%), Tennessee

After his 107-yard, one TD performance against Carolina, Williams now has a TD or 60 yards receiving in five of his last six games.  He seems to have a decent rapport with Matt Hasselbeck, and the Titans have a few favorable matchups remaining. Williams won’t ever be confused for an every week starter, but he’s worth owning as a reasonably reliable bench option.

Harry Douglas (3%), Atlanta

Julio Jones re-aggravated his hamstring injury, which opened the door for Douglas to have a huge game. He was targeted 14 times and finished with eight receptions for 133 yards. Given his performance and target numbers from games where Atlanta’s top receiving options were all healthy, he’s a decent fill-in option if Jones misses time, but that’s about it.

Leonard Hankerson (1%), Washington

With eight receptions for 106 yards on nine targets, Hankerson had a breakout performance for the Redskins on Sunday.  Unfortunately it was cut short by a hip injury, which he downplayed after the game. Washington’s search continues for an effective quarterback, but they may have found something at WR in Hankerson, who is a decent PPR league option going forward.

Update: Scratch Hankerson. After his breakout day he was placed on IR because of a torn labrum.

Fantasy Football Week 11 Waiver Wire Pickups: TE

Ed Dickson (12%), Baltimore

After 10 catches, 79 yards, and two touchdowns, Dickson is sure to be a trendy pickup this week.  Part of that can be attributed to Baltimore taking what the defense gave them, but Dickson has plenty of talent for a team that seems hell bent on a pass-heavy game plan. This week’s matchup against Cincinnati is tough, but he’s a decent bye week fill-in for this week and a backup going forward.

Jacob Tamme (2%), Indianapolis

The Colts haven’t officially ruled Dallas Clark out for the season, but there is no motivation for them to rush to get him back on the field either. Tamme filled in admirably for Clark last season and hauled in six receptions for 75 yards against the Jaguars on Sunday. Obviously the quarterback situation is nowhere near what it was last season, but that doesn’t mean he has absolutely no value.

With the Colts on bye this week, there’s no need to rush to pick him up, but keep him on your radar, particularly in PPR leagues.

Streaming Defense(s) of the Week

Jacksonville (15%) at Cleveland (10%)

This category got a little tougher with the Colts off, but both of these offensively inept teams have scored over 17 points just once this season. Expect an ugly, low-scoring game in Cleveland between these two.

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Have any questions or feedback?  Leave them in the comments below or hit me up on Twitter (@andybottoms).

Don’t buy it.

No, Luck was not his usual spectacular self on Saturday night. He was 27-41 for 256 yards, 3TDs, and 2 INTs. Those are very good numbers, but not the other-worldly stats we’ve come to expect from the NFL’s Next Great Quarterback.

Still, I saw something from Luck on Saturday night that told me a lot about the kind of leader he is.

Late in the game, with the Cardinal needing a touchdown drive to cut the deficit to one possession, Luck threw a perfect strike to his wide receiver. Unfortunately, his receiver let the ball slip right through his hands, it deflected to an Oregon defender, and likethat Luck had thrown a pick 6 and the game was over.

How did Luck respond? Exactly how you’d want your leader to respond.

He immediately found the receiver – a freshman – on the sidelines and gave him an attaboy tap on the helmet, letting the clearly distraught freshman know his QB has his back.

Kirk Herbstreit pointed this out, and I concurred with the Prince of College Football’s statement that this was a great show of Luck’s leaderhsip. On a night when Luck was far from the perfect quarterback – he was merely very good as opposed to transcendent – he remained the perfect leader. For a quarterback, that’s an indispensable trait to have.

And I explain all of this to you for one reason: so Colts fans can feel better about their team frittering away what I thought was their last good chance to get a W. Colts fans, don’t listen to the unhype about Luck after Saturday. He’s still an amazing prospect. And he’s almost surely going to end up in Indianapolis now.

NFL “Suck For Luck” Power Rankings for Week 11

Here are this week’s Suck For Luck Power Rankings, which I post before Monday night’s game between the Vikings and Packers.

1. Indianapolis Colts (0-10)

I contemplated making this a one-team list and just calling it the Suck For Luck Power Ranking, because only the San Francisco 49ers and Green Bay Packers have bigger leads in their respective divisions than the Colts have in the Suck For Luck division.

What’s sad is that I actually thought the Colts would play well this week, what with it being their best chance to nab a W for the rest of the season. At a minimum I thought they’d keep it close and find a way to cover the three point spread. Instead, they lost 17-3 behind another porous effort from Curtis Painter.

At this point, I don’t really know what to say about the Colts. They are historically bad. A friend of mine on an email convo I’m privy to ran some geek numbers and figured out that the Colts are actually trending worse than the 2008 Lions team that finished 0-16. That’s not good.

All in all, I’d rate the Colts’ team performance this year at about, oh, 30 courics.

And here is the thought that just popped into my head immediately after realizing that Stan Marsh’s climactic deuce is the perfect metaphor for the Colts in 2011: the Colts angered the football gods a couple of years ago when they shat on the possibility of going undefeated, resting starters the final two weeks of the year after opening up with a 14-0 record, and they’ve been paying the piper ever since.

The gut punch loss in the Super Bowl. Peyton Manning’s injury. Everything about this season. If you can find reasonable evidence to suggest that pissed off football gods haven’t had a hand in this, please present it. (I don’t think you can.)

2. The NBA (0-2011)

No other team truly deserves to be #2, so I’m giving it to the NBA, which remains embroiled in a nasty lockout that isn’t really showing any signs of being solved soon. This means, of course, that Tyler Hansbrough cannot be a cure-all for the city of Indianapolis.

Whatever.

Frankly, I’ve always been a much bigger college basketball fan than an NBA fan, and I never really start paying attention to the NBA until after the new year. I know many of you do, so I hope it ends soon, but I’m kind of excited that what I think is going to be one of the best college basketball seasons in a while will get some extra attention.

3. Cleveland Browns (3-6)

I respect my Browns fan friends too much to post video of the missed field goal that sealed yet another crushing loss. (Plus, I just searched for it on YouTube and couldn’t find it within 10 seconds, which is my threshold for searching for something on the Internet before I give up.)

Instead, I’ll just post this video of Mike Polk, which all Browns fans can, unfortunately, relate to.

See you next week.

4. St. Louis Rams (2-7)

The Rams are still a game worse than Cleveland, and really should have lost that game, so it’s hard to put them too far behind Cleveland, especially when many of the other teams who would be in contention for this spot won.

I still like the Rams moving forward, still think they can get some Ws, and maybe Lady Luck smiling down upon them can start some positive momentum building.

Now, in St. Louis-related news that St. Louisians will actually care about, friend of MSF Matt Sebek (he of Joe Sports Fan) reported this weekend that “the (alleged) Photoshops of Albert Pujols in Miami uniform are starting to trickle out.” Here is one of them:

YYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

5. Carolina Panthers (2-7)

Whoa…what was that Carolina?

I have been firmly on this team’s bandwagon so far this season, but I was not expected a putrid performance like that against Tennessee. With so many other teams on this list winning last week, I can’t justify ranking any of them above the Panthers. Let’s hope that’s not a sign of how Camolina is going to finish what has been an otherwise very promising season.

6. Washington Redskins (3-6)

The Redskins were 3-1 at one time. They have now lost five in row, culminating in yesterday’s 11-point loss to the surging Miami Dolphins. This loss was compounded by Mike Shanahan pissing off every fantasy football owner Sunday morning by announcing that Rex Grossman and Ryan Torain would start over John Beck and Roy Helu.

And why would Shanahan do such a thing? Because he can. And because he loathes your very existence on this earth, you pumpkin-pie haircutted, fantasy football playing freak.

Of course, he also apparently hates winning now too, so don’t feel bad.

As for Redskins fans, there’s always golf.

Image source: Jim Grant via Deadspin

7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-5)

When, exactly, did this team win four games? My lasting impression of them is getting hammered by the 49ers and then pulverized yesterday by the Texans. Their combined margin of loss in those two games: 7,541 points.

Do you realize that Tampa Bay, despite having four wins, is one of only four teams in the NFL with a point differential of minus-70 or more? This supposed young team on the rise is much further away that people thought, and there were several times yesterday when I looked up at the Bucs-Texans game and thought Tampa Bay had just quit on a play.

But I’m sure that once Albert Haynesworth gets more assimilated into the locker room his unyielding effort and motor will rub off on his teammates and prevent any further quitting.

8. Kansas City Chiefs (4-5)

Why am I putting another 4-win team on this list before the many 3- and even 2-win teams who would seem more deserving? Because, like Tampa Bay, Kansas City is one of the four teams with a point differential of minus-77 or more. And over the last two weeks the Chiefs have been beaten by 28 points by a previously winless teams and lost a division game in which their opponent completed…two passes.

In the wake of the Chiefs’ latest collapse, the always magnanimous Todd Haley was nice enough to record a message for all Chiefs fans expressing his commitment to delivering a good football team for the rest of the season.

9. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-6)

The Jags probably shouldn’t have plummeted this far in the rankings after a win over Indy, which is so inevitable it should barely count more than a tie. But the Jags do play good defense, and I would pick them to beat any of the teams above on a neutral field. Like the Dolphins, I have to give the Jags credit for continuing to play hard. Jacksonville may not be very good, but you can’t say they are underachieving.

Unlike…

10. Philadelphia Eagles (3-6)

The Eagles actually have a positive point differential on the season (+17), mostly because of their demolition of the Cowboys a few weeks back. But when you’re supposed to be a “Dream Team” and you’re 3-6 after a home loss to a team quarterbacked by John Skelton, you have to be on the list of the 10 worst teams in the NFL.

By the way, I now view this picture in a completely different light after the events of this weekend.

Image credit: Carolyn Caster via Lehigh Valley Live

Just missed: Miami Dolphins (2-7); Minnesota (2-6); Seattle Seahawks and Arizona Cardinals (3-6)

For the record, I am shocked that I got through these rankings without the Dolphins, Seahawks, and Cardinals making it. But you know what? I think they’ve earned it. All three of those teams have continued playing hard and are winning some tough, close games. That’s much more than I can say about the other teams on this list, all of whom Suck…but clearly only one team is doing it for Luck.

**********

Now your thoughts. Where am I right? Where am I wrong? The comment section awaits your ire and indignation.

Their three wins have come against subpar teams including the Indianapolis Colts, Seattle Seahawks, and the Miami Dolphins. Those three teams combined are a miserable 2-20.

Granted, the Browns are under a new regime with rookie head coach Pat Shurmur at the helm. Not having an offensive coordinator has also put a lot of pressure on Shurmur week-in and week-out.

With a lockout-shortened, OTA-free offseason, plus a brand new offense, one should have seen the Browns’ offensive woes in 2011 coming.

An unimpressive Colt McCoy thus far has Browns fans itching for him to finally break out. Although McCoy has put up somewhat decent numbers on paper, he has looked dreadful during the games. He is averaging a minuscule 5.7 yds per attempt and checks down before he even has a decent look down field.

Not all of that is on McCoy though.

Other than Joe Thomas and Alex Mack, the Browns have gone through a laundry list of rotations on the O-Line. The right side of the line is weak, and combined with the right blitz package by the defense McCoy is pressured  before he has a chance to hit his back foot.

The Browns have also caught the injury bug this year, and it has surfaced in one area in particular: the backfield.

Madden Cover star Peyton Hillis has not been 100% since Week 2 against the Colts when he scored the Browns’ only two rushing touchdowns of the season. Since then, he’s been bothered by a hamstring injury and the possible distraction of his contract negotiations with the Browns.

Because Hillis has been injured, the starting job was open to Montario Hardesty, who was impressive in Week 3 against Miami. Hardesty then injured his calf on a pass play again San Francisco.

The backfield now consists of Chris Ogbannaya and newly-signed Thomas Clayton.

I’m not going to tell you that if Hillis or Hardesty were healthy that the offense would put up 24 points per game, but it would take a lot more of the pressure off of McCoy to succeed.

One could make the excuse that the Browns’ struggles stem from not having enough time to come together during the offseason and learn the West Coast Offense that Shurmur and Mike Holmgren are trying to implement. Although this is a valid point, the same situation happened in San Francisco with new head coach Jim Harbaugh.

The 49ers are 6-1.

Another issue that does not favor towards McCoy is the lackluster bunch of receivers that he has the option to throw to. He does not have the deep threat that most teams have, or the 6’4 red-zone target that helps convert field goals into touchdowns. Greg Little has shown signs of improvement, catching the ball more often and leading the team in receiving, but there is still much improvement to be made throughout the entire offense.

The Browns may be an eyesore to watch offensively at the moment, but look for them to add a few more weapons in the offseason. Whether it be through free agency or the draft, they have the opportunities to put play-makers on the field for Colt McCoy. Additionally, the hiring of an offensive coordinator will help Shurmur immensely because it will take the pressure of and hopefully open up the playbook.

Browns fans can be very impatient, but give this offense a few years and a few more players and the most frustrating side of the ball for 2011 Browns should show some definite improvement moving forward.

Without question, the story of the first half of the season (other than this) has been the ascent of the Detroit Lions.

They went 0-16 three years ago, then 2-14 in Jim Schwartz’s first year, then 6-10 last year; and now halfway through their 2011 slate Detroit, sitting at 6-2, is a bona fide contender in the NFC. And the Lions aren’t just an empty record either. They have the skill, attitude, reputation, and right now the health (knock on wood) to suggest that they aren’t going away.

So in honor of the Motor City Mufasas, and their roaring wreakers of wreckage Ndamukong Suh and Calvin Johnson, I give to you my Midseason NFL Power Rankings, with each team presented alongside a Motown classic that sums up the first half of its season.

The great Berry Gordy and Ndamukong Suh

1. Green Bay Packers (7-0) – “Higher Ground” by Stevie Wonder

After an uneven regular season in 2010, the Packers caught fire all the way to the Super Bowl. Along the way, Aaron Rodgers nudged his way into the Manning-Brady-Brees stratosphere of NFL quarterbacks.

Through seven games in 2011, the Packers haven’t missed a beat, and Rodgers has catapulted himself into the rarest of air: the undisputed #1 quarterback in football, and he’s on pace to complete the most efficient statistical season a quarterback has ever had.

As Stevie sings:

Lovers keep on lovin’
Believers keep on believin’
Sleepers just stop sleepin’

…

Gonna keep on tryin’
Till I reach my highest ground

Indeed, the Packers/Rodgers lovers and believers need to keep doing what they’re doing, and any remaining sleepers need to wake up to the reality that Rodgers is the best player in football.

If he hasn’t already reached the highest ground, it’s going to be amazing to see just how deadly the Packers’ offense is once he’s there.

2. San Francisco 49ers (6-1) – “Reach Out, I’ll Be There” by The Four Tops

Know this about the resurgent 49ers and their badass first year head coach Jim Harbaugh: at the end of the game, reach out and he’ll be the there…ready to shake your head after kicking your team’s butt. (Just try not to take it personally.)

And in case you needed any more reason why this is the perfect song choice for the 2011 take-no-prisoners 49ers, pay attention to the lyrics. Replace “girl” and “darling” with “Alex” (for Alex Smith), “I’ll” with “We’ll”, plus a few other subtle changes, and it might as well be a pregame Harbaugh speech to his much-maligned but improving QB.

Now if you feel that you can’t go on,
Because all of your hope is gone,
And your life is filled with much confusion,
Until happiness is just an illusion,
And your world around is crumbling down, Alex,
(Reach out) Come on Alex reach on out for me,
(Reach out) Reach out for me,
We’ll be there with a running game that will shelter you,
We’ll be there with a defense that will see you through,

See what I mean?

3. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-2) – “Ain’t Nothing Like the Real Thing” by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell

I’m not sure what that was from Pittsburgh in Week 1, but it was most certainly not the real Steelers that we’ve come to know and appreciate.

Over the Steelers’ last four games though, we’ve started to see the real Steelers emerge again, just with a little more passing than running, and it’s been a good reminder that in the NFL there ain’t nothing like the real thing; and it doesn’t get much more real in professional football than the Steelers.

4. Detroit Lions (6-2) – “Just My Imagination” by The Temptations

For years, decades really, Lions fans have had to watch the success of other franchises and pretend it was their own. Losing season after losing season, all the Lions had was their imagination if they wanted to cheer for a winner.

Not anymore.

Now all Lions fans need to do is use their imaginations to conjure up a future in which Matthew Stafford plays 16 games, because if he does, this team is ready to make its long-awaited return to the postseason. And they won’t be an easy out.

5. Baltimore Ravens (5-2) – “I Second That Emotion” by Smokey Robinson and The Miracles

After the Ravens’ offense sputtered against the Jags, Terrell Suggs publicly questioned the offensive gameplan. Surprisingly, Ravens coach John Harbaugh seconded Suggs’ emotion, agreeing that Ray Rice and Anquan Boldin needed to get the ball more.

One week later Cam Cameron and Joe Flacco got the notion, and the Ravens are back to their winning ways after Rice scored three TDs and Boldin topped 100 yards receiving.

6. New England Patriots (5-2) – “It’s The Same Old Song” by The Four Tops

An offense built around their statuesque quarterback who throws 40+ times every game, without much of a running game to speak of? Check.

A defense that gives up tons of yards, hopes to be “bend but don’t break” as a best case scenario, and is undeniably poor in the secondary and at rushing the passer? Check.

Sound familiar? That’s pretty much what the Patriots have been for the last three seasons, and for the last three seasons they’ve underwhelmed fans and pundits alike once January has rolled around. I’m struggling to find any reason to think this season will end any differently.

7. New Orleans Saints (5-3) – “What’s Going On” by Marvin Gaye

I don’t really feel like New Orleans deserves to be ranked this high, especially after what we witnessed from them last week and in their recent loss to Tampa Bay. Sandwiched in between those two defeats, however, was a thorough ass-kicking of the Indianapolis Colts; and anytime you beat another NFL team 62-7 it means, well, something.

The Saints still have Drew Brees, they still have weapons galore on offense, and they still have Sean Payton calling the shots. This outfit won a Super Bowl not too long ago, and they deserve the benefit of the doubt…for now. But they need to figure out what’s going on before far too many mothers, brothers, and fathers in The Bayou are left crying from another debacle like that loss to the Rams.

8. New York Giants (5-2) – “Ball of Confusion” by The Temptations

Is any good team more of a ball of confusion from year to year, week to week, and even quarter to quarter than the New York Giants? No.

Yet despite the ups and downs, here are the Giants sitting atop the NFC East with Eli Manning playing the best football of his career. Go figure.

9. Houston Texas (5-3) – “It Takes Two” by Marvin Gaye and Kim Weston

The song choice for the Texans is obvious from the first two lines:

One can have a dream, baby
Two can make that dream so real

For a while now, the Texans and their fans have had dreams of going to the playoffs, but unfortunately they only had one side of the ball that functioned competently. Not anymore. Wade Phillips has taken a defense that was an embarrassment last year and made it respectable, even weathering the loss of Mario Williams.

It does indeed take two – an offense and a defense – to make playoff dreams real. Could this be the season it finally happens in Houston?

10. Buffalo Bills (5-2) – “Papa Was a Rolling Stone” by The Temptations

The “papa” of these young Bills is head coach Chan Gailey, and he has indeed been a rolling stone during his coaching career. Buffalo is the 19th different coaching job Gailey has had since 1974. I know how transient of a profession coaching can be, but that is a lot of moving around.

Regardless, he has these Bills on the right track, sitting atop the AFC East.

11. New York Jets (4-3) – “Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch” by The Four Tops

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not sure the Jets have earned this high a spot in the rankings. They are on a two game winning streak, but beating the Dolphins and the apparently hapless Chargers isn’t all that impressive. Still, the Jets and their bombastic head coach cannot seem to help themselves: they always talk, they always struggle for parts of seasons, yet they always get it going when the weather gets cold. They’ve made two straight AFC Championship Games, so we can’t count them out yet.

(Note: there are also plenty of jokes that could be made in reference to Rex Ryan enjoying slices of sugar pie and handfuls of honey bunch, but I’ll refrain. Who do I look like…Joe Namath?)

12. Philadelphia Eagles (3-4) – “Uptight (Everything’s Alright)” by Steve Wonder

I know that fans in Cincinnati and all over the AFC West and NFC South are going to be apoplectic at the under-.500 Eagles being 12th above their favorite teams, but what can I say? This team is loaded with talent, and I think they’d beat all of the teams below them (including more than a few above them) if they played right now.

So, Philly fans, what are you so uptight about? As long as you’ve got Andy Reid, everything is all right. Until the playoffs at least…

13. Atlanta Falcons (4-3) – “Shotgun” by Jr. Walker and the All Stars

I predicted that the Falcons would miss the playoffs before the season started, and I’m not backing off that prediction at all, though I have been impressed by their last two victories.

During the offseason, the Falcons tried to remake their offense from a tank into a shotgun with the hyperathletic Julio Jones added to the team at a high cost. It appeared early on that Ryan and the Falcons were trying to justify the cost while forgetting about their bread and butter: Michael Turner.

Things have changed.

Turner is back leading the offense and the Falcons are winning. The question is how long can Turner withstand another season of pounding. We’ll see.

14. Cincinnati Bengals (5-2) – “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell

The Bengals had to deal with QB turmoil all offseason, limped into the regular season with rookies leading them at QB and WR, have had to deal with Cedric Benson’s continued legal troubles, and they lost corner Jonathan Joseph in the offseason. Also, certain Midwestern sports bloggers predicted the Bengals would finish with the worst record in the league. Yet all Marvin Lewis and the Bengals have shown is that there ain’t no football mountain high enough to keep this underrated team down this season.

At least so far.

Cincy’s wins are against Cleveland, Jacksonville, Buffalo, Seattle, and Indianapolis, and they still have four games coming up against Pittsburgh and Baltimore. This is why I’m not sold on the Bengals and have them at 14th. But if they can keep climbing mountains, this could be the most unlikely playoff team of 2011.

15. Kansas City Chiefs (4-3) – “Since I Lost My Baby” by The Temptations

The Chiefs have reeled off four straight wins since I ranked them #1 in my inaugural Suck 4 Luck Power Rankings, a winning streak that has moved them all the way into a first place tie in the AFC West. This has Chiefs fans seeing sun shining (yes, plenty of light), a new day dawning (so sunny and bright), and even birds signing and children playing.

But the reality is that without young stars Jamaal Charles, Eric Berry, and Tony Moeaki, all of whom the Chiefs lost early in the year to season-ending injuries, the Chiefs’ chances of going any further than they did last year – a first round playoff blowout – are slim to none.

16. San Diego Chargers (4-3) – “Hello” by Lionel Richie

It’s fitting that the Chargers are one spot behind the Chiefs, because they were one successful QB-center exchange away from beating them last night.

If I had time, I would create a YouTube video with the ball Rivers’ fumbled away singing this Lionel Richie ballad to him. It’s the kind of thing the Internet was invented for. Can’t you just see the ball rolling around on the ground plaintively singing these words to Rivers while the QB laments his “worst day ever“:

Hello!
Is it me you’re looking for?
’cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely?
Or is someone loving you?

17. Oakland Raiders (4-3) – “Ain’t Too Proud To Beg” by The Temptations

The Raiders are a hard team to figure out right now since we have no idea a) what they will get from Carson Palmer and b) if their offensive workhorse Darren McFadden can stay healthy enough all year to keep the pressure off of Palmer.

But we do know one thing: the Raiders were not begging nor pleading for anyone’s sympathy once Jason Campbell went down. They slept on Mike Brown’s doorstep and even let everyone laugh, because they wanted Carson Palmer any way they could get him. Now they have him, and we’ll see if they can just keep winning, baby.

18. Dallas Cowboys (3-4) – “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye

Did the Cowboys even have a Week 8 game? They did? Really? Because the only time I saw a Cowboy show up last week is Tony Romo when he announced that he and his new wife are expecting.

So since I have nothing constructive to say about Dallas’ no show on Sunday night, let’s honor the soon-to-be parents. Take it away Marvin.

19. Chicago Bears (4-3) – “You Keep Me Hanging On” by The Supremes

I tend not to trust teams that have severe offensive line issues, which is why the Bears fall towards the back of the teams bunched at 3-4 wins.

I also wouldn’t trust the Bears if I were Matt Forte, who I think is much closer to Adrian Peterson than Chris Johnson in terms of being deserving of a new contract. Can anyone blame Forte for feeling like the Bears are just keeping him hanging on? I mean really Jerry Angelo. If you’re not going to #paytheman, set him free why don’t ya?

20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-3) – “Brick House” by The Commodores

Tampa Bay was another supposedly up-and-coming team that I didn’t trust heading into the season. They’ve scratched together four wins, but they have looked pretty bad along the way at times.

So in honor of the bricks they’ve thrown up against San Francisco and the first half of the Chicago game in London, not to mention Josh Freeman’s 10 interceptions, here are The Commodores singing about bricks in a much different context.

21. Minnesota Vikings (2-6) – “All Night Long” by Lionel Richie

You know that Adrian Peterson is called “AD” because he can run all day long. Now that Minnesota has handed the reins of its offense over to rookie Christian Ponder, Peterson may have to run all day and all night long to help ease the rook’s transition.

Peterson is more than capable, and the Vikings – who have played better than their record – are more than capable of winning 4-5 of their remaining games if Ponder can just provide adequate play under center.

22. St. Louis Rams (1-6) – “You Can’t Hurry Love” by The Supremes

No, I’m not insane. I’m well aware that before last weekend’s trouncing of the Saints, the Rams hadn’t beaten anyone and hadn’t even really come close. Just consider me to be buying low on the Rams, and when they finish with 5-6 wins, remember that you heard it here first.

You can’t hurry a connection between a new offensive coordinator, an offensive line, and a young QB, but Sam Bradford and Josh McDaniels will get everyone on the same page. Having Brandon Lloyd will help, and having a leader like Steven Jackson to make sure no one mails it in will also keep these Rams on a forward trajectory all season.

23. Carolina Panthers (2-6) – “ABC” by The Jackson 5

Am I drinking the Cam Newton Kool-Aid after 8 games? You’re dadgum right I am, so much so that I came up with 20 teams who, hypothetically speaking of course, should trade their QB for right now for Newton.

I did not think Newton would have an easy transition to the NFL, but he’s made playing quarterback look as easy as A-B-C, 1-2-3. What he has not found so easy to do yet is win, but that will come. He needs more experience and a better team around him, but the Panthers are a team on the rise that no one will want to face in the second half of the season.

24. Tennessee Titans (4-3) – “Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I’m Yours” by Stevie Wonder

In case you were wondering, no, I’m not sold on the Titans.

A win over the Colts does not impress me, nor did the Titans’ previous two non-competitive games against Pittsburgh and Houston. This team was looking good when Kenny Britt was around and emerging as a top receiver, but they seem lost without him.

But hey, at least Chris Johnson is signed, sealed, delivered, and yours, right Tennessee? Or not…

25. Cleveland Browns (3-4) – “Money (That’s What I Want)” by Barrett Strong

In case you hadn’t heard, money is what Peyton Hillis wants. He is not, however, willing to play through strep throat or maintain community commitments in his quest to leverage one partial good season into, apparently, $10 million per yer.

I probably shouldn’t be so hard on the guy. If I were a running back for the Browns, against whom defenses can load up eight men in the box on every play, I might not be so motivated to play either.

26. Washington Redskins (3-4) – “Mercy, Mercy Me” by Marvin Gaye

When your only quarterback choices are Rex Grossman or John Beck, how can Redskins fans or even Mike Shanahan himself say anything other than mercy, mercy me?

The Redskins got off to a fast start this season, but things ain’t what they used to be. With such putrid play under center and so many injuries on offense, a turnaround doesn’t appear to be coming. Redskins fans will just have to keep wondering where did all the blue skies go?

27. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-6) – “Shop Around” by Smokey Robinson and The Miracles

So the Jaguars beat a disinterested Baltimore team in a defensive slopfest a few weeks back. So what?

This team is still going nowhere fast, and even the one positive Jags fans might have been able to take from this season – that the team had finally found a franchise QB – doesn’t seem to be coming to fruition. Based on what I’ve seen from Blaine Gabbert so far this year, I’d say to the Jags that they’d better shop around.

28. Seattle Seahawks (2-5) – “I Want You Back” by The Jackson 5

In Pete Carroll’s first season, the Seahawks made an improbable run to the second round of the NFC Playoffs thanks to playing the in the terrible NFC West. No one in the NFC West seemingly did much to improve themselves in the offseason (who saw the 49ers run coming?), so what does Seattle do to keep the forward momentum going? They get rid of Matt Hasselbeck to turn their most important position on the field over to Charvaris Jackhurst.

Think they might want Hasselbeck and his 89.2 QB rating back now?

29. Arizona Cardinals (1-6) – “What Becomes Of The Brokenhearted” by Jimmy Ruffin

In Super Bowl 43, the Arizona Cardinals indeed became the brokenhearted when Ben Roethlisberger’s pass connected with Santonio Holmes in the corner of the end zone. So what becomes of the brokenhearted in football, who had a good QB who’s now departed? Everything goes to hell and a handbasket, apparently.

After your borderline Hall of Fame quarterback retires and you suffer through an awful season with basically no QB, you know you’ve got to find some kind of peace of mind for your All-World wide receiver. So you overpay for a guy who hasn’t proven he can be a competent starter, he doesn’t get any better, and all the while your defense gets worse and worse.

So, again, what becomes of the brokenhearted? In the case of Cardinals fans, you just go back to how things were before.

30. Denver Broncos (2-5) – “Dancing In The Streets” by Martha and the Vandellas

No matter what happens at the end of the Tim Tebow experience, they’ll be dancing in Dennnnnnver…and there will still surely be opinions everywhere.

Either fans of Tim Tebow will be dancing because he’s proven his worth as a starting QB in the NFL, or the Johns Fox and Elway will be dancing because they can jettison Tebow and get a QB who fits their ideal.

But either way, dancing.

31. Miami Dolphins (0-7) – “Stop! In The Name Of Luck!” by The Supremes

Do you see what I did with the title there?

This is what every Dolphins fan is imploring their team to do every time they have a promising drive or a second half lead. So far, the Dolphins have proven to be epic failures in the 4th quarters of games, which may just be the best thing for the franchise’s future.

Though the players and coaches don’t want to hear it, nor should they, Dolfans and owner Stephen Ross would like the team to stop coming so damn close to winning, and they certainly would like the Colts to stop losing…all in the name of Luck.

32. Indianapolis Colts (0-8) – “Where Did Our Love Go?” by The Supremes

Yep, two straight songs by The Supremes to end it. And why not? At this point I’m not convinced that on the football field Diana Ross and The Supremes would do any worse that Curtis Painter and The Colts or Matt Moore and the Dolphins.

So many lyrics snippets from this song could very well be things that Colts players have uttered verbatim during one of their eight horrific losses this season, with the their plaintive utterances directed at either Peyton Manning or their fans, who abandon them more and more with each demoralizing loss.

Baby, baby
Baby don’t leave me
Ooh, please don’t leave me
All by myself

…

Now that I surrender
So helplessly

…

Where did our love go
And all your promisses
Of a love forever more

You get the idea.

But if all Colts fans have to endure in between decades of success with franchise QBs is one terrible season, I and many others will resent them more than we already do.

###

There are my rankings, and each team’s corresponding Motown classic.

As always, I encourage your agreement, disagreement, and constructive criticisms below, both for the rankings and the song choices.

And now, because it’s one of my all-time favorite Motown songs but I couldn’t find a great team to assign it too, I’ll send you off into the comment section with one more classic tune from the great Marvin Gaye.

Before we count down the NFL’s suckiest, let’s get our weekly reminder of what the contestants are playing for.

Before this past Saturday, we already knew that Andrew Luck can throw, that he can run, that he can tackle, that he can catch, and that he can design tall buildings (while probably being able to leap over them too), but now we also know that he can respond to adversity and be clutch when he needs to be.

It's a bird. It's a plane. It's Superluck! (Photo credit: AP/Jae C. Hong via ESPN.com)

The undefeated and highly ranked Stanford Cardinal faced their first real test of the season on Saturday against Matt Barkley, Layla Kiffin, and the USC Trojans. Luck and the Cardinal were able to overcome a late interception by The Chosen One to force overtime, where they ultimately won 56-48 after three extra frames.

Luck’s numbers were predictably sterling. He was 29-40 for 330 yards, 3 TDs, and that one interception. Yet, because Andrew Luck excretes lilies and daffodils and toots potpourri, even that pick is being turned into a positive. It’s almost as if Luck threw the pick-6 (which put USC up 7 with three minutes play) just to challenge himself and show us all that not only can he dominate people but he can vanquish adversity too.

Either way, everyone who was bowing at the alter of Luck before Saturday (which is everyone) is doing so with even more vigor now.

The question is, after another Sunday of NFL action, which “professional” football teams are putting themselves in the best position to draft Luck and guarantee themselves at least 8 out of the next 10 Super Bowls?

As we do every week, we’ll break it down for you right here in the Suck 4 Luck Power Rankings.

 NFL “Suck 4 Luck” Power Rankings for Week 9

1. Miami Dolphins (0-7)

The Dolphins did it again. They played a halfway decent game, were competitive against a good team, and still found a way to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

Quarterback Matt Mooreino turned in the best passing day by a Dolphins QB since Week 1: 13-22, 138 yards, 0 TDs, and a 1 INT. He also ran the ball five times for 31 yards, equaling the career rushing output of Dan Marino. The ‘Fins even got 120 total yards from Reggie Bush (including 103 on the ground!) as the full-time Pizza Hut pitchman and part-time running back used rumors of a Kim Kardashian-Kris Humphries break up to motivate himself into the best game he’s played since stonewalling NCAA investigators.

But, as usual for these Dolphins, it was all for naught. The Giants won 20-17, outscoring Miami 10-0 in the decisive 4th quarter, dropping the Dolphins to 0-7.

I continue to keep Miami in the top spot because of the fact that luck seems to be so much on their side in their quest for the #1 pick. They continue to be in ball games yet somehow lose/win. It’s very curious. It’s almost as if they are a team of destiny. Much like the St. Louis Cardinals just couldn’t seem to lose after late August, the Dolphins cannot seem to “lose” either.

2. Indianapolis Colts (0-8)

I suppose the Colts really could be considered 1a. In fact, objectively, they probably should be #1 were it not for my own wishful thinking. Indianapolis already has one more loss than the Dolphins, plus they are by far a worse team. Indy’s point differential is -131, and they are the only team other than St. Louis to have a differential of 100 or more. Miami’s is just -59.

On the bright side for the Colts, they may finally have found the heir apparent to Marshall Faulk and Edgerrin James. Curtis “Thor” Painter rumbled for an 11.3 yard per carry average on seven rushing attempts against Tennessee on Sunday. So if they do end up with Andrew Luck, it will surely help the rookie’s transition to have Painter behind him ready to ground and pound.

Also in the Colts’ favor is the continued presence of Jim Caldwell. Maybe it’s time we stop criticizing Tony Dungy for hand-picking a cardboard cutout of himself to be the Colts coach. Dungy knew in 2009 when he tabbed Caldwell to be the coach that the Manning Era would have to end at some point. That clearly has to be why he nominated Caldwell and his 26-63 career head coaching record (all compiled at Wake Forest) to be the man. Now three years later, everything Dungy did to build the Colts up has come crashing down. Oh sure, blame it all on Peyton’s injury. But as I presciently did last season, I blame Caldwell.

Clearly these are the two favorites to suck enough for Luck. As we did last week, I’ll put it to a vote and let you decide who has the leg up.

Last week, the Dolphins narrowly edged the Colts 49%-47% in the voting, with St. Louis siphoning off the other 4%. Now that the Rams have eliminated themselves by trading for a #1 WR and stomping the Saints, who is #1?

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

3. Denver Broncos (2-5)

Tim Tebow is struggling so mightily, with a gameplan so clearly not tailored to his strengths, that national writers are penning articles like this one, accusing John Fox of sabotaging his QB. What else really needs to be said about the situation in Denver right now?

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: John Elway would loooooove to get his hands on Andrew Luck. Not only is Luck perhaps the greatest college QB prospect since Elway himself, he’s a fellow Stanford Cardinal who has all the skills to excel in a pro style offense. Though I doubt he’s a Satan worshiper, and he may well win a Heisman and perhaps a national title, Luck is otherwise the exact opposite of Tebow. And as much as I like Tebow and want to him succeed, it’s not going to happen in Denver. That’s obvious.

However, whether the Broncos stick with Tebow, or let Brady Quinn prance around and overthrow open receivers, or turn back to Kyle Orton, they are not going to be winning many games. They may have already won too many to have a prayer of competing with the Dolphins and Colts, but damn it if they won’t try from here on out.

4. Arizona Cardinals (1-6)

The Cardinals are now tied with the surging Rams for last place in the NFC West, a full five games behind the 49ers with not even half the season over. That is remarkable. What is also remarkable is how much Kevin Kolb continues to suck and how badly Arizona defends the pass. If either were not true, they would have been able to beat the Ravens on Sunday.

Alas, it keeps getting worse for the Cardinals, now losers of six straight, with little reason for hope on the horizon.

5. Washington Redskins (3-4)

Yep, I’m putting Washington above a handful teams with 1 and 2 losses. Why? Because John Beck and Rex Grossman, that’s why.

Washington tricked everyone into thinking that they were a different team this year when they started 3-1. Nope. They’re the same crappy team with the same crappy QB play and same creepy-looking coach.

Image source: UnathleticMag

Remember, I’m trying to project forward here, and after getting shutout by the Bills, and with so many injuries stacking up, and with one of the few owners who might actually be clueless enough to order a “Suck 4 Luck” strategy, the Redskins have plenty of time and potential to make up their loss deficit before the season ends.

6. Seattle Seahawks (2-5)

It’s good to be the San Francisco 49ers. Half of their division is in the top 6 in the Suck 4 Luck Power Rankings, and the team not yet listed is already buried five games below in the standings.

As for Seattle, they just let Cincinnati completely obliterate the supposed Qwest Field advantage. A rookie QB and a rookie WR, playing without their workhorse running back, strode into Seattle, kicked the Seahawks asses all over the field, and left the Seahawks with a 2-5 record and one of the league’s worst point differentials.

But hey, on the bright side, even though the Seahawks have probably won too much to get Luck, they might be in a good position to grab Matt Barkley. In all seriousness, he won’t be a bad consolation prize for whoever doesn’t quite suck enough.

7. Cleveland Browns (3-4)

Yep, another 3-4 team gets listed before a bunch of teams with fewer wins. But forgive me for not being impressed by victories over the Colts, Dolphins, and Seahawks. Yes, those are the three teams Cleveland has beaten, so you tell me why they should be ranked ahead of a team like St. Louis, which can beat New Orleans, or Carolina, which actually has an offense that can score points.

Cleveland is almost completely devoid of difference-makers on the offensive side of the ball. San Francisco exposed that again yesterday. And with the schedule about to get much, much tougher (at Houston, @ Cincinnati, two games v Baltimore and Pittsburgh), I’m having a hard time seeing where the wins are going to come from outside of games against St. Louis, Arizona, and Jacksonville.

8. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-6)

Speaking of Jacksonville, the Jaguars come in at #8 this week. Admittedly, you could make a case for the Jags to be as high as 5th on this list, but I guess I feel bad for assuming they’d lose last Monday night. Plus, the Jags still have two games left against Indianapolis and one against Cleveland, which should guarantee them at least two more wins.

9. St. Louis Rams (1-6)

I have been very hesitant to bury this team because of my belief in Sam Bradford and my thinking that by the time Bradford and Josh McDaniels get on the same page the Rams’ schedule will ease up and give them the opportunity to get some wins. I didn’t expect a victory over New Orleans, but this does show what the Rams are capable of doing.

With Brandon Lloyd now giving whoever plays QB a legitimate #1 option, and Steven Jackson playing like a man possessed, it would not surprise me at all to see the Rams parlay future games against Arizona, Cleveland, Seattle, Arizona again, and Seattle again into at least 3-4 more victories. If they can steal one against San Francisco in Week 17 (with the 49ers likely to have a playoff spot locked up), this could be a 6 or 7 win team by the time it’s all said and done.

10. Dallas Cowboys (3-4)

I could have, and perhaps should have, chosen the Panthers or Vikings for this spot. But based on what I saw yesterday, the Panthers and the Vikings would both have demolished Dallas. Did the Cowboys even show up in Philadelphia Sunday night? It sure didn’t look like it. And though it’s easy to say that Dallas could be 5-2 or 6-1 right now, they could also be 1-6 or 2-5 if the balls didn’t bounce their way against San Francisco and Washington.

Seriously, the Dallas Cowboys football team is a football team that needs to play football much better than they have been playing football in football games during this football season football football football.

Image source: Popfi.com

No really. It’s time for Tony Romo, Rob Ryan, and the Cowboys to put up or shut up, but they’ll probably just keep playing like the middle-of-the-pack team that they are and finish 8-8. Either way, it’s now legitimate to start wondering if the Panthers and Vikings are more settled at QB than the Cowboys. I’ve long been a Tony Romo supporter, but even I’m starting to lose the faith that he’ll ever become anything more than what he is: good, but nowhere near great.

Honorable mention: Carolina (2-6), Minnesota (2-6), Kansas City Chiefs (3-3), New Orleans (5-3)…just for this week.

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Okay folks, now it’s your chance to agree with me, ream me, or just tell me how ridiculous of a post idea this is and how it sullies the integrity of the game. All’s fair in love and comment sections. Have at it.

Aaron Rodgers put together another near-perfect performance for the undefeated Packers.

Cowboys rookie DeMarco Murray ran for 253 yards in relief of injured starter Felix Jones (and fumble-prone backup Tashard Choice), breaking a single-game franchise record set by Emmitt Smith in 1993.

Cam Newton continued his impressive freshman campaign, going 18-23 for 256 yards, rushing for another 59 yards, and scoring one touchdown through the air and one on the ground.

And Tim Tebow raised as many questions as he answered Sunday, struggling for much of the Broncos’ overtime win over the Dolphins before scoring 2 touchdowns and a 2-point conversion in the final 3 minutes of regulation.

These are the players whose names you read in headlines and whose highlights you saw on SportsCenter. But football is an 11-on-11 game, and most of this weekend’s winners wouldn’t have been successful without the contributions of several players who didn’t hear their names mentioned in the post-game press conference.

Here are just a few of the unsung heroes from Week 7 in the NFL:

James Anderson, Carolina Panthers linebacker

Cam Newton continued his campaign for Offensive Rookie of the Year Sunday by leading the Panthers to a 33-20 win over Washington. Steve Smith returned to 2008 form, catching 7 balls for 143 yards. But the Panthers’ offensive stars got plenty of help from players on the other side of the ball, particularly lineback James Anderson.

Anderson led Carolina in tackles with 12, including 10 solo tackles and 2 tackles for a loss, one of which was a sack of Washington QB John Beck. Anderson also recovered a fumble late in the second quarter, setting up a 45-yard field goal that gave the Panthers a 9-6 lead going into halftime.

Houston Texans offensive line

Last week the Baltimore Ravens defense sacked Texas quarterback Matt Schaub four times; two weeks ago, the Raiders sacked him thrice. Sunday, thanks to Texans tackles Duane Brown and Eric Winston and guards Wade Smith and Mike Brisiel, the Titans defenders never touched him.

The Texans went to Nashville on Sunday a half-game behind Tennessee in the AFC South. They left Tennessee with a 41-7 win and a half-game lead. In addition to protecting Schaub, the Texans’ O-line did a nice job opening lanes for Houston’s backfield tandem of Arian Foster and Ben Tate. Foster rushed for 115 yards on Sunday, Tate for 104.

If you have Arian Foster on your fantasy team, send thank you notes to the Texans offensive line. (Wade Payne/Associated Press)

Phil Dawson, Cleveland Browns placekicker

It may be a stretch to call anyone involved in Sunday’s 6–3 snoozer between Cleveland and Seattle a “hero,” unsung or otherwise. But Browns kicker Phil Dawson did everything that was asked of him and accounted for all 6 of Cleveland’s points.

The Browns’ offense didn’t make Dawson’s job easy. His first field goal attempt was from 52 yards out; the second was a 53-yarder. Dawson hit them both. Dawson also did a nice job with kick-offs. The Seahawks didn’t return any of Dawson’s kicks beyond their own 21 yard line.

Oh, and Dawson played most of the game with a bruised thigh.

Josh Scobee, Jacksonville Jaguars placekicker
Derek Cox, Jacksonville Jaguars cornerback

On Sunday the Browns’ Phil Dawson made 2 50-yard field goals. Monday night, the Jaguars’ Josh Scobee made 3, tying an NFL record. Scobee hit from 54, 54, 22, and 51 yards to score all 12 of Jacksonville’s points in Monday’s win over the Ravens.

While the Jaguars offense spent the game counting by 3s, the defense held the Ravens scoreless for nearly 58 minutes. Cornerback Derek Cox was particularly effective in containing Baltimore receivers Anquan Boldin and Torrey Smith. Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco struggled to hit Boldin and Smith down field and threw for a pedestrian 137 yards on 38 attempts.

There are kickers. And then there's Josh Scobee. (Kim Klement/US Presswire)

James Starks, Green Bay Packers running back

Even casual football fans know Aaron Rodgers, Clay Matthews, and Greg Jennings, the stars of the reigning Super Bowl-champion Green Bay Packers. But not everyone knows the Packers’ leading rusher, James Starks, who made only three appearances last season.

Starks’ numbers in Sunday’s game against Minnesota—13 carries for 75 yards—were solid but not spectacular. He accounted for 100 fewer yards than the Vikings’ Adrian Peterson. But Starks picked up three key first downs on the Packers’ final possession that clinched the game for Green Bay.

After falling behind in the first half, the Packers scored 20 points in the third quarter and led 33–17 heading into the fourth. Then the Vikings went on a run of their own, scoring a field goal and a touchdown on consecutive drives to cut the lead to 6.

With 2:30 remaining Minnesota punted from their own 36. The Vikings had a full complement of timeouts (plus the two-minute warning) and were hoping to get the ball back with time enough to score a winning touchdown. James Starks made sure that never happened.

On the first play from the Green Bay 20, Starks ran for 13 yards and a first down. The Vikings used a timeout. Two plays later, Starks ran for 20 yards and another first down, forcing the Vikings to use their final timeout. Three plays later, on 3rd and 7, Starks ran for yet another first down, enabling the Packers to run out the clock.

Virgil Green, Denver Broncos tight end

Virgil Green is listed as a tight end, but he earns his money playing special teams. And were it not for Green’s special teams heroics, no one would be fawning over Tim Tebow’s fourth-quarter performance against Miami on Sunday.

Tebow threw a 5-yard touchdown pass to Demaryius Thomas with 2:44 left in the game to cut Miami’s lead to 15–7. On the ensuing onside kick, Broncos kicker Matt Prater bounced the ball into the hands of leaping Dolphins receiver Marlon Moore. But Moore couldn’t hold onto the ball as he came down, and Green was there to pounce on it.

Green emerged from the pile with the ball, setting up Denver’s game-tying touchdown drive.

Tim Tebow should buy Virgil Green a beer. Or at least an iced tea. (Wikipedia)

Kansas City Chiefs secondary

The Oakland Raiders made headlines last week when they traded a first-round 2012 draft pick and a conditional second-round 2013 draft pick for discontented Bengals quarterback Carson Palmer. Oakland picked up Palmer to replace injured starter Jason Campbell. The Raiders made headlines on Sunday when Palmer and temporary starter Kyle Boller combined for 6 interceptions and zero touchdowns against Kansas City.

While residents of the Black Hole should be concerned about—perhaps even frightened by—their team’s quarterback play, the Chiefs secondary deserves some credit for shutting down the Raiders’ passing game.

Early in the first quarter, Chiefs safety Kendrick Lewis intercepted an errant Boller pass and took into the end zone to put the Kansas City on the board. Corner Brandon Flowers picked off Boller in the first quarter and Palmer in the fourth. He returned the second pick for a touchdown. Cornerbacks Brandon Carr and Travis Daniels and safety Jon McGraw also recorded interceptions against the Raiders on Sunday.

NFL UK

76,981 people watched the Bears beat the Buccaneers Sunday at London’s Wembley Stadium. That’s a few thousand fewer than have attended past games at Wembley. But unlike previous London games, no one knew whether this game would happen until late July. If the lockout hadn’t ended by August 1, the Week 7 game between the Bears and Bucs would have been in Tampa. Owners and players reached an agreement on July 25, leaving the NFL UK (the league’s London office) scrambling to prepare for the league’s annual international showcase. Considering the quick turnaround, 76,981 is a respectable number (especially since only a handful of NFL stadiums seat as many people).

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And speaking of that Cable Guy-euphemism…how did the object of everyone’s suckaffection do this week? Eh, so so.

Andrew Luck’s 4th-ranked Stanford Cardinal eeked out a 65-21 victory over then-25th ranked Washington. Luck was a Krenzelesque 16-21 for 169 yards and two TDs. Obviously the yardage and TD totals are thoroughly disappointing, but at least he improved his shaky 70+ completion percentage to a now-respectable 71.8%.

The real star of the game was the Cardinal rushing attack, which featured three players who ran for at least 93 yards. Hey, maybe whoever gets picks two and three in this year’s draft should take a look at Stephan Taylor, Tyler Gaffney, and/or Anthony Wilkerson to shore up their running game…(or not, since taking running backs not named Adrian Peterson early in drafts is dumb, dumb, dumb).

Now that we’ve reviewed the stakes, let’s take our weekly look at how the suckiest of the sucky stack up in the race to suck to the lucky bottom* of this year’s NFL standings.

* – assuming, of course, that the junior Luck actually turns pro. That’s right, he’s still only a junior. Didn’t you know? Wouldn’t it just be so knee-slapping funny if he didn’t after all the commotion about him this season.

Suck 4 Luck Power Rankings: Week 8

1. Miami Dolphins (0-6)

This is not to take anything away from the impressive case that Indianapolis made last night for the #1 spot in these prestigious rankings, but sometimes margin of defeat and margin of suck are not directly correlated.

Unlike many teams that are winless this far into the season, the Dolphins have actually, legitimately outplayed most of their opponents for the majority of their games. If you’ve spent any time watching this team, you know that this amazing statement is true. To continue losing while outplaying teams, in some respects, is more pathetic than just straight up sucking…like the Rams. (More on that steaming batch of suck in a minute.)

Yesterday, the Dolphins became the first team since the merger to lose a game in which they were up by 15 or more points with three minutes or less to play in regulation. And they lost to a team that was being led by some of the worst quarterback play I’ve ever seen. I’m on record as liking and supporting Tim Tebow’s NFL chances, but there is no other way to describe his play through 55 minutes yesterday than the following sentence. Up until Denver’s improbable comeback, I could have dropped a deuce in a brown paper sack, lit it on fire, and set it on someone’s porch, and bystanders (even the owner of the house on whose porch the turd sack was flaming) would have had a hard time deciphering whether that or Tebow was better suited to play QB in the NFL.

Between allowing Tebow to be Good Tebow during those final five minutes, and not recovering an inside kick that was in their hands, and the awful call by Tony Sparano to go for two, and the oh-so-appropriate shots of Stephen Ross chatting up Urban Meyer during the 4th quarter…the smog of suck that engulfed Miami yesterday simply cannot be topped, even though Drew Brees just now threw another TD pass against the Colts.

Speaking of…

2. Indianapolis Colts (0-7)

Congratulations to the Colts, the first team to seven losses in 2011! Round of applause everybody!

Colts fans looking for solace after the Sunday night drubbing in New Orleans (62-7…’nuff said) need to look no further than Jim Caldwell’s post game comments (via PFT).

“I have to take responsibility for our team and the way that they played. We just didn’t play well,” Caldwell said. “I think the guys fought. We didn’t execute well, but I think the effort was good.”

A team loses by 55 points, and the head coach takes responsibility? What a shocking and rare display of leadership by the catatonic Caldwell. That’ll turn some shiz some around!

To celebrate, here is an animated GIF of Caldwell taking responsibility:

Image source: The Scores Report

And be heartened Colts fans: the men who get paid millions to play a game “fought” and “the effort was good.” Whew. Good to know. Both are unexpected positives to take away from last night’s Mardi Gross celebration on Colts Fans Need Borboun Street.

Still, at least the Colts got bludgeoned by a good team. And at least their fans knew it was over within five minutes, rather than the Dolphins, who tricked their fans into thinking they’d get a win against a bad team until five minutes were left in the game.

3. St. Louis Rams (0-6)

The Rams got manhandled by the Cowboys. There is not other way to describe it.

Dallas’ offense had been having trouble running in place this season, let alone forward for positive yardage. Yet, somehow, with backup running rookie DeMarco Murray filling in for the injured Felix Jones, and a bevy of offensive line issues, the Cowboys rushed for damn near 300 yards en route to a 34-7 bitch slap of Steve Spagnuolo’s crew.

I’m not going to come down as hard on the Rams as I am on the Dolphins or Colts though. The Rams will actually be getting their starting QB back soon, plus they were probably still dizzy on Sunday morning from watching Albert Pujols hit homer after homer Saturday night at The Ballpark in Arlington. And the addition of Brandon Lloyd should improve their offense moving forward.

With these teams clearly at the head of the bottom of the class, it’s your turn to tell us who you think is #1:

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

4. No one

I’m skipping #4, because truly no other NFL team deserves to within a spot of the three teams I’ve already broken down. They are more than just a combined 0-19. They are making it almost a compliment to describe what they are doing as “suck”. We may need a new word for these power rankings, even if it doesn’t rhyme with Luck. Any suggestions?

5. Arizona Cardinals (1-5)

The Cardinals really aren’t that far behind the trisuckverate listed above. If it weren’t for their close Week 1 victory in Cam Newton’s first start, Arizona would be winless and already dreaming of a life that doesn’t so closely resemble Kolb. But they do have some games left against Seattle and St. Louis, so that should net them a victory or two, even if Chris “Porcelain” Wells is injured and can’t play.

6. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-6) (actually 2-5)

Jacksonville and Baltimore play tonight, so technically the Jags’ record after seven games could be 2-5, but I’m confidently chalking the L up for the Jags. Do you trust Blaine Gabbert against Ray Lewis and the Ravens’ defense? Neither do I. The Jags D will likely put up a valiant effort and frustrate Flacco and Co., but it won’t be enough to compensate for the negative points sure to be put up by the offense. Poor Maurice Jones-Drew.

Update: Oops. I had this one wrong. Way to completely lay an egg on national TV Baltimore. And Jacksonville, well to come and play. I’ll humbly accept any and all disparagement that Jags fans want to hurl my way in the comment section.

Oh, and for the record, yes: both the Cards and Jags, despite acquiring “franchise” QBs this past offseason, would draft Andrew Luck. In a heartbeat.

7. Denver Broncos (2-4)

A miracle win over the Miami Dolphins does not impress me. And though I still think that Tebow has a future in the NFL (even if that future may be best served with him being a backup QB…a role which I think he could excel in..but that’s a post for another day), I don’t think it will be in Denver. In fact, according to my sources, oil and water were seen snickering at how poor a mix Tebow and John Fox are.

Broncos fans and Tebow sycophants everywhere need to enjoy what they saw last week and not let it lull them into a false sense of confidence. For myriad reasons, that win simply will not/cannot be duplicated. So unless Tebow makes vast improvements from the pocket, or the Broncos actually do more things during the first 55 minutes of games to play to his strengths, Denver could still be in the running for Luck if the teams above them stumble and bumble their way to a couple of victories.

8 & 9. Seattle Seahawks (2-4) and Cleveland Browns (3-3)

It’s a damn shame anyone had to win this game yesterday, because neither team deserved to. When reached for comment, Lloyd Christmas had this to say:

With as many unilateral decisions as Roger Goodell makes, why can’t he institute a rule that if two teams play as badly as Seattle and Cleveland did yesterday, that the game be declared a double loss? We’d all be better off.

10. Tennessee Titans (3-3)

You may be wondering why Tennessee and its three victories, as well as Cleveland and its three victories, are in the top ten when Minnesota (1-6), Carolina (2-5), and Philadelphia (2-4), among others, are not. Simply put: I have more confidence in those teams to finish with a better record than I do Cleveland or Tennessee based on current trends.

Tennessee was beyond suck yesterday, and the talk has already turned to letting Jake Locker take over, who I think is even less prepared to lead an NFL team than Blaine Gabbert. Just watch: unless Chris Johnson gets up from laying on his pile of money long enough to actually be a competent NFL running back again, the Titans will make a slow, steady climb up these rankings.

Too bad for the Titans they won those games early in the season, as there is no way anyone with more than two wins at season’s end will have a chance at Luck.

Special mention: Kansas City Chiefs (3-3)

The Kansas City Chiefs opened up these Suck 4 Luck Power Rankings at #1, and have made a steady descent to respectability since then. I have to give kudos where kudos are deserved, and Todd Haley, Matt Cassel, and crew deserve major kudos for digging themselves out of an 0-3 hole, despite debilitating injuries. They are now right in the think of the AFC West race.

Let this be a lesson to the Sergeants of Suck disparaged in this post. You’re only a few wins away from having no chance at the most universally respected QB prospect since John Elway.

So keep on sucking. The future of your franchises depends on it.

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What do you think? Which rankings do you agree/disagree with? Who I was too hard/easy on? The comment section patiently awaits your sucky comments.

* – Tony Sparano photo credit: NewHaven.edu