We are less than a week out from Super Bowl XLVI, but we’ve technically already seen this game before, so what’s the fun in talking about it?
Instead, let’s talk about the best Super Bowls that never happened. [Read more...]
Some Smart NFL Team Should Hire Marty Schottenheimer, The Most Underappreciated NFL Coach of All-Time
January 11, 2012 By 2 Comments
This post is going to be relatively quick, because the point is an easy one to make.
It boils down to this:
Some smart NFL franchise that values winning and player development should hire Marty Schottenheimer, who is one of the most underrated coaches, in any sport, of my lifetime.
Where Will Free Agent Matt Flynn End Up In 2012?
January 1, 2012 By 6 Comments
It was absolutely sick what Matt Flynn did to the Detroit Lions in the snow globe conditions at Lambeau Field Sunday. In fact, it was sick what both Flynn and Matthew Stafford did in snowy, windswept Lambeau Field.
Video: Another Mike Polk Rant, This Time On Browns-Steelers
December 10, 2011 By 2 Comments
As usual, Mike Polk is hilarious in the video below.
You may remember his recent “Factory of Sadness” video that went viral throughout the sports blogosphere. Well he’s at at it again, this time ranting on Pittsburgh Steelers fans and the Browns-Steelers “rivalry” before Thursday night’s game.
Pay special attention to his excoriation of the “terrible towels” and his explanation for why no one, ever, can accuse a Browns fan of being fair-weather.
My Sympathy for Colt McCoy
December 10, 2011 By 3 Comments
After watching the Pittsburgh Steelers defeat the Cleveland Browns 14-3 on Thursday night, I noticed a familiar sight.
It was the battered Browns’ quarterback Colt McCoy, slumping his shoulders with a disappointed and depressed look on his face after yet another though loss.
NFL Suck For Luck Power Rankings: Week 13
November 28, 2011 By 4 Comments
Expected #1 draft pick Andrew Luck capped off a terrific regular season Saturday night by leading his Stanford Cardinal to a victory over the hated Notre Dame Fighting Irish. In the process, Luck went 20-30 for 233 yards and 4 TDs. He did toss one pick, but overall it was a solid, steady performance from the man who just may end up being Peyton Manning’s replacement in Indianapolis.
But today, the phrase “suck for Luck” has nothing to do with a certain NFL team losing game after game and positioning themselves for the #1 pick. Rather, it has to do with the Nike Pro Combat unis that Stanford wore Saturday night.
Which sucked.
Photo credit: AP Photo/Paul Sakuma via ESPN.com
I’ve seen some bad version of the Nike Pro Combat unis (Georgia’s immediately come to mind), but these may the worst. Black helmets? Black numbers? For Stanford? I suppose the jersey itself isn’t bad, but nothing about it says Stanford. And, um, isn’t that what jerseys are supposed to do?
I have a solution.
We need to get this guy on the case:
Seriously, can you imagine the indignation if this bro had seen that Stanford-Notre Dame game? He’d have downed the entire bottle of 1800 by halftime because of those uniforms.
Whatever happened to men, Michael Imperibroli? Nike. And it’s Pro Combat Uniforms. That’s what.
Now drink up while I break down the NFL’s top/bottom 10 in the race to draft Matt Barkley or Robert Griffin (if they go pro) since the race to draft Luck is pretty much done.
NFL Suck For Luck Power Rankings: Week 13
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1. Indianapolis Colts (0-11)
Breaking news: the Colts lost again.
Here is their remaining schedule. You tell me where a win might come from: at New England, at Baltimore, vs Tennessee, vs Houston, at Jacksonville.
- They sure as hell aren’t beating New England or Baltimore. In fact, they might lose by a combined 100 points.
- I suppose they could beat Tennessee, but the Titans should still be alive in AFC South race then.
- Houston at home is a possibility depending on their QB situation, and if they have the AFC South clinched, but I think the Texans could win just direct snapping it to Arian Foster.
- Week 17 at Jacksonville is a possibility because any team quarterbacked by Blaine Gabbert could lose to any team quarterbacked by anyone else – even you, dear reader.
So, with nothing else really to say about this sorry sack of a Manning-less team, here is a picture of Curtis Painter doing one of the few things he does better than Peyton Manning: carrying laundry.
Photo credit: USA Today
2. St. Louis Rams (2-9)
That’s it. I’m done with the Rams. And they still have to play San Francisco twice! If you own Steven Jackson in fantasy, trade him. Trade him now.
3. San Diego Chargers (4-7)
A bunch of the other craptastic teams won this weekend, so we’ll bump the sorry Chargers all the way up to #3. When you start out 4-1 then lose six straight games, each in excruciating fashion, you get rewards like this.
It’s safe to say that the Norv Turner Era will soon be ending in San Diego, and all 16 of their die-hard fans must be thrilled with that news.
In honor of the Chargers’ rapid ascent up these Suck For Luck Power Rankings, here is the most disturbing image of Philip Rivers on the first page of a Google Image search for his name:
Image source: Pyromaniac
Ah, what the hell. Here’s another one:
Image source: Pyromaniac
My apologies in advance for any nightmares you have tonight.
4. Carolina Panthers (3-8)
Let’s not carried away with excitement here. You beat Indianapolis, and you allowed them to score 19 points. And congrats on running all over them, but everyone does that.
5. Cleveland Browns (4-7)
The Browns jumped out to an early lead over the Bengals, only to give it away to the clear #1 football team in the state of Ohio (since Ohio State is down this year).
But hey, at least Peyton Hillis was back! Maybe now he can start to recapture the magic of 2010. Assuming, of course, that he doesn’t get anymore sore throats or have any more shotgun weddings.
6. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-7)
The Bucs have now lost five in a row, and they actually make the Colts looks suffocating against the run. Chris Johnson hasn’t been able to juke a brown paper sack this year, yet he racked up 190 yards against the Bucs on Sunday.
The only question for this team now, with the playoffs clearly out of the question, is does Raheem Morris make it to next year? If the Bucs want to have any hope of not squandering the talent they’ve accumulated, I say the answer is no. We’ll see.
7. Philadelphia Eagles (4-7)
Yes, I think the Vikings and Dolphins, among others, would beat the Eagles right now. That is how bad this team is playing. Their coaches are yelling at eachother on the sidelines, Desean Jackson isn’t blatantly short-arming catch attempts, and good players are getting injured one right after another.
Side note: when Andy Reid gets his walking papers at the end of the year, and it’s becoming likely that he will, some team looking for a head coach (hello Dolphins!) better snatch him up quickly. I’ll agree that perhaps it’s time for a parting of the ways in Philly. Sometimes that happens, even to good coaches. Sometimes change is needed. But it doesn’t mean Reid is no longer a good, perhaps even great, NFL coach. I don’t think he’d stay unemployed for long.
Now, apropos of absolutely nothing, here is a video of a hippo releasing a little pressure after a second helping of Thanksgiving dinner.
8. Minnesota Vikings (2-9)
Yes, the Vikings have now replaced the Rams as the team I irrationally support despite their record. But seriously, the Vikings have played decent football in hanging tough at Atlanta without Adrian Peterson and almost coming back to beat Oakland. Can you honestly tell me you don’t think Minnesota could beat the seven teams above them on this list?
9. Seattle Seahawks (4-7)
You lose at home to Rex Grossman and the Redskins, you make this list. It’s as simple as that.
10. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-8)
Frankly, I kind of forgot about the Jaguars. Had I remembered them, I probably would have placed them in the 4-6 range because Blaine Gabbert sucks so much. But out of deference to the great Maurice Jones-Drew, who continues to play hard and churn out tons of yards in losing efforts, I’m going to keep the Jags here.
Seriously though, watch Gabbert in the pocket anytime anyone gets near him. He freezes up and braces for contact instead of standing in there like a man and delivering a throw (which I obviously would do if I were a professional football player). I wonder what Michael Imperioli would have to say about that after a few shots of 1800 tequila.
Honorable mention: Kansas City Chiefs (4-7), Washington Redskins (4-7), Arizona Cardinals (4-7), Buffalo Bills (5-6).
Honestly, all four of those teams deserved mention. There is a pretty clear line between the top 18 teams in the NFL and the bottom 14. So congrats to everyone who made this list! You officially suck.
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NFL Suck For Luck Power Rankings Week 12: Stiffen For Griffin Edition
November 21, 2011 By 4 Comments
For once, Andrew Luck is not the toast of the college quarterback world.
Combine Stanford’s loss to Oregon two weekend ago with Luck’s pedestrian numbers against Cal on Saturday (20-30, 257 yards, 2 TDs, 1 INT in a 31-28 win), and then mix in superlative performances by Baylor’s Robert Griffin III and USC’s Matt Barkley this past Saturday, and Luck doesn’t seem luck such a clear-cut #1 prospect any more, now does he?
Fantasy Football Week 11 Start Em, Sit Em Lineup Advice, Projections, and Roster Q&A
November 16, 2011 By 96 Comments
Sooooo…yeah….
That’s probably how a lot of you felt after last week’s fantasy results. If you had a bad week, join the crowd.
It appears that certain defenses (the Cowboys, Titans, and others) may have finally caught up with certain offenses (Bills, Panthers, and others) after the long offseason, which led to some surprising and disappointing performances in Week 10.
But not for Aaron Rodgers owners. Never for Aaron Rodgers owners.
No worries. If you have a bad week, it’s not your fault; it was just one of those weeks. Good grief, the Chicago Bears’ DEFENSE was the number one fantasy player last week. Let’s just write it off as an off week and get back on the horse, ready for Week 11.
[Read more...]
Fantasy Football Week 11 Waiver Wire Advice and Pickups
November 14, 2011 By 19 Comments
There are many reasons I enjoy fantasy football, but I was reminded of an important one yesterday.
As the final seconds ticked off the clock in Philly, I stuck a fork in the season of my beloved Eagles; but at least I still have hope for the remainder of the season from a fantasy perspective. So no matter where your favorite team rates on the bed-crapping spectrum, the remaining seven weeks of the season still have a chance to bring you some joy.
NFL “Suck For Luck” Power Rankings: Week 11
November 14, 2011 By 1 Comment
In the aftermath of Stanford’s disappointing loss to Oregon on Saturday night, you are likely to hear little birdies chirping that Andrew Luck isn’t all he’s cracked up to be.
Don’t buy it.
Cleveland Browns Offensive Struggles No Surprise
November 3, 2011 By Leave a Comment
The Cleveland Browns have started off this season a deceiving 3-4.
Their three wins have come against subpar teams including the Indianapolis Colts, Seattle Seahawks, and the Miami Dolphins. Those three teams combined are a miserable 2-20.
Granted, the Browns are under a new regime with rookie head coach Pat Shurmur at the helm. Not having an offensive coordinator has also put a lot of pressure on Shurmur week-in and week-out.
With a lockout-shortened, OTA-free offseason, plus a brand new offense, one should have seen the Browns’ offensive woes in 2011 coming.
[Read more...]
NFL Power Rankings Week 9: The Midseason Motown Edition – One Classic “Hitsville, U.S.A.” Track For All 32 Teams
November 1, 2011 By 2 Comments
Week 8 is now in the books after Philip Rivers fumbled away a road win in Kansas City, which means we are right around the midway point of the 2011 season. Most teams have played 8 games, a few have played 7, and we can finally start to state with some level of certainty who is good, who is not, and who is too enigmatic to declare.
Without question, the story of the first half of the season (other than this) has been the ascent of the Detroit Lions.
They went 0-16 three years ago, then 2-14 in Jim Schwartz’s first year, then 6-10 last year; and now halfway through their 2011 slate Detroit, sitting at 6-2, is a bona fide contender in the NFC. And the Lions aren’t just an empty record either. They have the skill, attitude, reputation, and right now the health (knock on wood) to suggest that they aren’t going away.
So in honor of the Motor City Mufasas, and their roaring wreakers of wreckage Ndamukong Suh and Calvin Johnson, I give to you my Midseason NFL Power Rankings, with each team presented alongside a Motown classic that sums up the first half of its season.
[Read more...]
NFL “Suck 4 Luck” Power Rankings: Week 9
October 31, 2011 By 5 Comments
The Chiefs and Chargers are playing tonight, and though the Chiefs were the #1 team on my original “Suck 4 Luck” Power Rankings, they have done enough non-sucking to remove themselves from consideration win or lose tonight. So unlike last week, when I had to amend my Suck 4 Luck Power Rankings due to Jacksonville’s improbable win over Baltimore, I have no such fears today.
Before we count down the NFL’s suckiest, let’s get our weekly reminder of what the contestants are playing for.
The Unsung Heroes From Week 7 in the NFL
October 25, 2011 By 2 Comments
Drew Brees went 31-35 for 325 yards and 5 touchdowns in the Saints’ 62-7 undressing of the Colts.
Aaron Rodgers put together another near-perfect performance for the undefeated Packers.
Cowboys rookie DeMarco Murray ran for 253 yards in relief of injured starter Felix Jones (and fumble-prone backup Tashard Choice), breaking a single-game franchise record set by Emmitt Smith in 1993.
Cam Newton continued his impressive freshman campaign, going 18-23 for 256 yards, rushing for another 59 yards, and scoring one touchdown through the air and one on the ground.
And Tim Tebow raised as many questions as he answered Sunday, struggling for much of the Broncos’ overtime win over the Dolphins before scoring 2 touchdowns and a 2-point conversion in the final 3 minutes of regulation.
These are the players whose names you read in headlines and whose highlights you saw on SportsCenter. But football is an 11-on-11 game, and most of this weekend’s winners wouldn’t have been successful without the contributions of several players who didn’t hear their names mentioned in the post-game press conference.
Here are just a few of the unsung heroes from Week 7 in the NFL:
[Read more...]
NFL “Suck 4 Luck” Power Rankings: Week 8
October 24, 2011 By 14 Comments
Week 7 was truly one of the epic weeks of Suck 4 Luckness. Not only have three teams clearly separated themselves from the pack, but they are doing so with a breathtaking level of suckitude that would make Donald Sterling cream in his pants.
And speaking of that Cable Guy-euphemism…how did the object of everyone’s suckaffection do this week? Eh, so so.
Andrew Luck’s 4th-ranked Stanford Cardinal eeked out a 65-21 victory over then-25th ranked Washington. Luck was a Krenzelesque 16-21 for 169 yards and two TDs. Obviously the yardage and TD totals are thoroughly disappointing, but at least he improved his shaky 70+ completion percentage to a now-respectable 71.8%.
The real star of the game was the Cardinal rushing attack, which featured three players who ran for at least 93 yards. Hey, maybe whoever gets picks two and three in this year’s draft should take a look at Stephan Taylor, Tyler Gaffney, and/or Anthony Wilkerson to shore up their running game…(or not, since taking running backs not named Adrian Peterson early in drafts is dumb, dumb, dumb).
Now that we’ve reviewed the stakes, let’s take our weekly look at how the suckiest of the sucky stack up in the race to suck to the lucky bottom* of this year’s NFL standings.
* – assuming, of course, that the junior Luck actually turns pro. That’s right, he’s still only a junior. Didn’t you know? Wouldn’t it just be so knee-slapping funny if he didn’t after all the commotion about him this season.
Suck 4 Luck Power Rankings: Week 8
1. Miami Dolphins (0-6)
This is not to take anything away from the impressive case that Indianapolis made last night for the #1 spot in these prestigious rankings, but sometimes margin of defeat and margin of suck are not directly correlated.
Unlike many teams that are winless this far into the season, the Dolphins have actually, legitimately outplayed most of their opponents for the majority of their games. If you’ve spent any time watching this team, you know that this amazing statement is true. To continue losing while outplaying teams, in some respects, is more pathetic than just straight up sucking…like the Rams. (More on that steaming batch of suck in a minute.)
Yesterday, the Dolphins became the first team since the merger to lose a game in which they were up by 15 or more points with three minutes or less to play in regulation. And they lost to a team that was being led by some of the worst quarterback play I’ve ever seen. I’m on record as liking and supporting Tim Tebow’s NFL chances, but there is no other way to describe his play through 55 minutes yesterday than the following sentence. Up until Denver’s improbable comeback, I could have dropped a deuce in a brown paper sack, lit it on fire, and set it on someone’s porch, and bystanders (even the owner of the house on whose porch the turd sack was flaming) would have had a hard time deciphering whether that or Tebow was better suited to play QB in the NFL.
Between allowing Tebow to be Good Tebow during those final five minutes, and not recovering an inside kick that was in their hands, and the awful call by Tony Sparano to go for two, and the oh-so-appropriate shots of Stephen Ross chatting up Urban Meyer during the 4th quarter…the smog of suck that engulfed Miami yesterday simply cannot be topped, even though Drew Brees just now threw another TD pass against the Colts.
Speaking of…
2. Indianapolis Colts (0-7)
Congratulations to the Colts, the first team to seven losses in 2011! Round of applause everybody!
Colts fans looking for solace after the Sunday night drubbing in New Orleans (62-7…’nuff said) need to look no further than Jim Caldwell’s post game comments (via PFT).
“I have to take responsibility for our team and the way that they played. We just didn’t play well,” Caldwell said. “I think the guys fought. We didn’t execute well, but I think the effort was good.”
A team loses by 55 points, and the head coach takes responsibility? What a shocking and rare display of leadership by the catatonic Caldwell. That’ll turn some shiz some around!
To celebrate, here is an animated GIF of Caldwell taking responsibility:
Image source: The Scores Report
And be heartened Colts fans: the men who get paid millions to play a game “fought” and “the effort was good.” Whew. Good to know. Both are unexpected positives to take away from last night’s Mardi Gross celebration on Colts Fans Need Borboun Street.
Still, at least the Colts got bludgeoned by a good team. And at least their fans knew it was over within five minutes, rather than the Dolphins, who tricked their fans into thinking they’d get a win against a bad team until five minutes were left in the game.
3. St. Louis Rams (0-6)
The Rams got manhandled by the Cowboys. There is not other way to describe it.
Dallas’ offense had been having trouble running in place this season, let alone forward for positive yardage. Yet, somehow, with backup running rookie DeMarco Murray filling in for the injured Felix Jones, and a bevy of offensive line issues, the Cowboys rushed for damn near 300 yards en route to a 34-7 bitch slap of Steve Spagnuolo’s crew.
I’m not going to come down as hard on the Rams as I am on the Dolphins or Colts though. The Rams will actually be getting their starting QB back soon, plus they were probably still dizzy on Sunday morning from watching Albert Pujols hit homer after homer Saturday night at The Ballpark in Arlington. And the addition of Brandon Lloyd should improve their offense moving forward.
With these teams clearly at the head of the bottom of the class, it’s your turn to tell us who you think is #1:
Who do you think should be #1 in the "Suck 4 Luck" Power Rankings?
- Indianapolis Colts (47%, 302 Votes)
- Miami Dolphins (49%, 319 Votes)
- St. Louis Rams (4%, 27 Votes)
Total Voters: 648
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4. No one
I’m skipping #4, because truly no other NFL team deserves to within a spot of the three teams I’ve already broken down. They are more than just a combined 0-19. They are making it almost a compliment to describe what they are doing as “suck”. We may need a new word for these power rankings, even if it doesn’t rhyme with Luck. Any suggestions?
5. Arizona Cardinals (1-5)
The Cardinals really aren’t that far behind the trisuckverate listed above. If it weren’t for their close Week 1 victory in Cam Newton’s first start, Arizona would be winless and already dreaming of a life that doesn’t so closely resemble Kolb. But they do have some games left against Seattle and St. Louis, so that should net them a victory or two, even if Chris “Porcelain” Wells is injured and can’t play.
6. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-6) (actually 2-5)
Jacksonville and Baltimore play tonight, so technically the Jags’ record after seven games could be 2-5, but I’m confidently chalking the L up for the Jags. Do you trust Blaine Gabbert against Ray Lewis and the Ravens’ defense? Neither do I. The Jags D will likely put up a valiant effort and frustrate Flacco and Co., but it won’t be enough to compensate for the negative points sure to be put up by the offense. Poor Maurice Jones-Drew.
Update: Oops. I had this one wrong. Way to completely lay an egg on national TV Baltimore. And Jacksonville, well to come and play. I’ll humbly accept any and all disparagement that Jags fans want to hurl my way in the comment section.
Oh, and for the record, yes: both the Cards and Jags, despite acquiring “franchise” QBs this past offseason, would draft Andrew Luck. In a heartbeat.
7. Denver Broncos (2-4)
A miracle win over the Miami Dolphins does not impress me. And though I still think that Tebow has a future in the NFL (even if that future may be best served with him being a backup QB…a role which I think he could excel in..but that’s a post for another day), I don’t think it will be in Denver. In fact, according to my sources, oil and water were seen snickering at how poor a mix Tebow and John Fox are.
Broncos fans and Tebow sycophants everywhere need to enjoy what they saw last week and not let it lull them into a false sense of confidence. For myriad reasons, that win simply will not/cannot be duplicated. So unless Tebow makes vast improvements from the pocket, or the Broncos actually do more things during the first 55 minutes of games to play to his strengths, Denver could still be in the running for Luck if the teams above them stumble and bumble their way to a couple of victories.
8 & 9. Seattle Seahawks (2-4) and Cleveland Browns (3-3)
It’s a damn shame anyone had to win this game yesterday, because neither team deserved to. When reached for comment, Lloyd Christmas had this to say:
With as many unilateral decisions as Roger Goodell makes, why can’t he institute a rule that if two teams play as badly as Seattle and Cleveland did yesterday, that the game be declared a double loss? We’d all be better off.
10. Tennessee Titans (3-3)
You may be wondering why Tennessee and its three victories, as well as Cleveland and its three victories, are in the top ten when Minnesota (1-6), Carolina (2-5), and Philadelphia (2-4), among others, are not. Simply put: I have more confidence in those teams to finish with a better record than I do Cleveland or Tennessee based on current trends.
Tennessee was beyond suck yesterday, and the talk has already turned to letting Jake Locker take over, who I think is even less prepared to lead an NFL team than Blaine Gabbert. Just watch: unless Chris Johnson gets up from laying on his pile of money long enough to actually be a competent NFL running back again, the Titans will make a slow, steady climb up these rankings.
Too bad for the Titans they won those games early in the season, as there is no way anyone with more than two wins at season’s end will have a chance at Luck.
Special mention: Kansas City Chiefs (3-3)
The Kansas City Chiefs opened up these Suck 4 Luck Power Rankings at #1, and have made a steady descent to respectability since then. I have to give kudos where kudos are deserved, and Todd Haley, Matt Cassel, and crew deserve major kudos for digging themselves out of an 0-3 hole, despite debilitating injuries. They are now right in the think of the AFC West race.
Let this be a lesson to the Sergeants of Suck disparaged in this post. You’re only a few wins away from having no chance at the most universally respected QB prospect since John Elway.
So keep on sucking. The future of your franchises depends on it.
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What do you think? Which rankings do you agree/disagree with? Who I was too hard/easy on? The comment section patiently awaits your sucky comments.
* – Tony Sparano photo credit: NewHaven.edu
