This is really getting awkward with Chad Johnson/Ochocinco. Who is going to tell him he has, in general, overstayed his welcome?

My basic point was that with Chad’s production dwindling his antics and off-field self-promotion are becoming generally less palatable and interesting. A few minutes later I softened my stance a bit – mainly because while I may be annoyed by him, certainly more people find him interesting than find me interesting, so who am I to talk? – but the general point remains true.

I decided that to fully extend the olive branch to good ol’ 8-5, I should offer him something of value. Thus, here I am, to suggest nine last name alternatives that I think Chad should consider before going back to Johnson.

9. Chad Pennington

When Carson Palmer announced earlier this week that he wants to be traded from Cincinnati and few people took him to task for creating an offseason distraction, Chad and his supporters wondered why a white QB was not getting the same scrutiny that Chad received a few years ago when he essentially did the same thing. This topic was also broached by Chad and T.O. on their TV show during a conversation about Brett Favre and his texting habits and how the legend was essentially getting a pass because he’s white.

By adopting “Pennington” as his new last name, all of Chad’s antics would be described as follows: “In his latest act of toomfoolery, Chad Pennington said/did…” Notice your impression when you read that. You immediately thought of that Chad Pennington, didn’t you? The white quarterback, right? See! And you immediately were going to absolve him of all blame! (Because he’s white!) That’s right, based on his own logic, Chad Ochocinco could essentially buy himself a lifetime pass to be an idiot by adopting a name that everyone associates with a white QB. This one makes too much sense. It should be higher on the list.

[Note: Yes, this would also work if he changed his name to Chad Henne, but I'd probably choose a name that is not so synonymous with sucking terribly. Since Pennington was once good, I'd go with him.]

8. Chad Vertising

You’re going to start noticing that a lot of these are plays on words starting with the letters “ad” that also relate to Chad’s off-field interests. “Vertising” would be a great last name because every time someone used Chad’s full name, they would be saying the word “advertising” as well. No one self promotes more than Chad, so this would fit perfectly. In fact, “chadvertising” could become the new term for athletes who over-promote themselves despite obvious evidence that their skills are declining and that they are less relevant to the average fan. Chad could get into the dictionary!

7. Chad Sense

This one has the same idea behind it as #8. Because most of the self-promotion that Chad does is done online, he should be able to profit from it. Well, one of the very first ways that online content creators were able to drive profits from their content was with Google AdSense. In conjunction with adopting the last name “Sense”, Chad could launch ChadSense, a network for athlete bloggers and tweeters to make revenue. His name would become a perpetual advertisement for his own revenue-generating network!

6. Chad Aptation

I admit, I mostly think this one is cool because it would make Chad’s full name sound a lot like one of my favorite movies. The reason this is relevant for Chad though is that it could signal his willingness to adapt to a new role with a new team. Chad is going to have to understand that he is no longer a #1 WR. He is probably a #3 option at best, maybe a #2 on a bad team. For him to succeed moving forward, he will have to become an adaptation of himself and other wide receivers who have swallowed their egos and accepted new roles.

5. Chad Hesive

Here again, I’m thinking marketing potential. Another way that Chad can extend his football career is to improve his consistency catching the football. There simply is no place in the NFL for a smallish WR who has lost a step and who drops passes. That’s why Chad should develop a new-age version of Stick ‘Em; and if he does, he can adopt Hesive as his last name once again to have an obvious product tie-in. Chadhesive by Chad Hesive. It’s sublime. (Or, as some over-caffeinated marketing jerkwad might say, “It sticks!”)

Now look, I know you’re probably shaking your head at how corny and off the wall some of these ideas are, but remember who the audience of this post is: Chad. For a guy who seems more interested in promoting himself and selling products than winning football games, why wouldn’t he use his last name for marketing? I’m just trying help him maximize the real estate.

4. Chad Visor (or Viser)

Yes, I have one more idea to tie-in a marketing product angle. Chad could develop a line of visor hats or, the one I like better, a consulting firm. The Chadvisers could consult people on everything from finances to over-using Twitter and turning it into a TMI minefield. And again, his name becomes his billboard. That’s efficient Web 2.0 marketing.

3. Chad Olescence

No one has ever accused Chad Ochocinco/Johnson of being overly mature. However, he is well into his 30s now (he’s 33) so he cannot exactly be considered young anymore, nor necessarily immature in the full sense of the word.

Rather, Chad seems to be stuck in a perpetual period of adolescence, but only the kind you can enjoy when you are a world famous, multi-millionaire athlete with declining skills but an inflated sense of self-worth. And that type of adolescence, one that many an NFL wide receiver has gone through, needs a special name. Why not chadolescence?

Once again, Mr. Self Promotion can etch this new word into the public discourse by making it his name. Millions of Americans now know that the correct way to say eighty-five in Spanish is ochocinco (or not), so why not teach them a new word in their own language this time?

“Boy, that Dez Bryant sure is acting like a diva again. When he is going to exit chadolescence and grow up?”

Being the inspiration for a new word can make you live on in infamy. It doesn’t look like Chad will make it into the Hall of Fame, as he once predicted, but adopting Olescence and being the personification of entitled, indulgent adolescence could help him get into the Hall of Name.

2. Chad Wideopen

The reason behind this one is pretty easy.

We know that regardless of if Chad is really open or not, he is going to say that he is. Thus, I think he should adopt “Wideopen” as his last name because it would give him the opportunity to shout “I’m Wideopen! I’m Wideopen!” anytime he wanted to.

Think about it: what is someone going to say to him? “Excuse me, Chad, stop shouting facts. Stop shouting your last name.” Anytime someone accuses him of griping for the ball, he can always just say he is proud of his new name and enjoys shouting it – even at suspicious times like after the 27th straight play where his QB does not look in his direction.

By making this choice, Chad would be protecting himself from himself with this last name and in the process inoculating himself from future rebukes. For that alone it’s worth considering.

1. Chad

And finally, how about no last name?

As we all know, to achieve true icon status you have to eventually lose the lameness of two names and be referred to by just a single name. Need examples? Cher. Madonna. Prince. How about in sports? Jordan. Peyton. Babe. I could go on and on.

By simply ridding himself of a last name altogether, Chad can just become Chad. What, do you think we’re going to get him confused with Chad Clifton? Or relief pitcher Chad Bradford? Is there anyone else in sports named Chad who is even relevant? Seriously, what the hell does Chad even need a last name for? He is the Chad. If he drops the last name, we can all show him the proper respect he has so clearly believed he deserves!

So there you have it. Nine last name alternatives for Chad Ochoinco-But-Might-Soon-Be-Johnson that are way better than if he just goes back to Johnson. That would be boring and make too much sense, and neither has ever described the Chad we’ve all come to know and love (and I use this latter term very loosely).

**********

What do you think? I imagine some of you think my ideas are lame and will want to make fun of me for going public with them. Well guess what…that’s why we have comment sections! So flame away, or offer your own suggestions below.

(And I mean seriously, what else do you have to do? It’s the week before the week of the Super Bowl, pitchers and catchers haven’t reported yet, and basketball is still in the regular season – now that Jaycutlergate is over, this literally is the most important story in sports right now.)

Unquestionably, many fantasy owners saw their teams struggle because of high drafts picks wasted on these two receivers.

As we head into 2009, a lot of fantasy owners and prognosticators are struggling with how to value Ochocino and Edwards in their drafts. Will they return to #1 WR status? Are they merely second-rate #2 or #3 WRs like they showed last year? Something in between?

And, most importantly, if you are ready to pick a WR and these two are left, who should you pluck off the draft board first?

It’s an intriguing question: Ochocino or Edwards? Certainly we all expect each to be better in 2009. But by how much and which player improves more? From my perspective — even though I’m a Browns fan — I would rather have Ochocino. In this post, I will list out a few of the reasons why.

1 – The QB position is crystal clear in Cincinnati

Wide receivers are volatile from year to year and week to week because their production is predicated in large part on the success of the guy taking snaps. Last year, Ochocino and the rest of the Cincy WRs were severely hampered by an injury to Carson Palmer that left the overmatched Ryan Fitzpatrick under center. This year, Carson Palmer is back and will be counting on Ochocino as his favorite and most experienced target.

It should be noted that Palmer is still dealing with some injury issues this offseason, and his sprained left ankle might keep him out of the team’s next preseason game. But the team expects Palmer to be 100% by opening day, and the positive is that the injury is not arm-related. Obviously if Palmer goes down again, and J.T. O’Sullivan becomes the starter, this is no longer an advantage for Ochocino.

In Cleveland, the QB situation is still muddy. Brady Quinn and Derek Anderson entered the preseason entrenched in an all-out battle for the starting gig with no clear cut favorite. After two preseason battles (one won by Quinn, the other by Anderson) there still is no clarity.

Uncertainly at the QB position is never an auspicious sign for a WR, yet this is what Edwards has to deal with. I believe his value increases if Derek Anderson is the QB, as the deep ball will be more prevalent in the Browns’ offense, but the conventional wisdom has been that Quinn will end up getting the starting job. The whole thing gives me the headache, so who the hell knows. All it really means is that Edwards inherently carries more risk because of the QB flux in Cleveland.

2 – Last year was clearly an anomaly for Chad Ochocino, no necessarily so for Braylon Edwards

Look at Chad Ochocino’s career stats. Before last season, he had five straight seasons of 87+ catches and 1,270+ yards, plus 7+ touchdowns. His 2009 stats clearly jump on the page as the outlier. In looking at Braylon Edwards’ career stats however, his superb 2007 season is the one that jumps off the page as the outlier. 

Now, to be fair, Edwards barely had a fighting chance last year with the Browns’ offense proving to be absolutely abysmal. Derek Anderson and Brady Quinn were shuffled back and forth as the starter, and there was no other consistent receiving threat to help draw coverage away from Edwards. But anyone who watched the Browns last year also knows that Edwards still should have had 65-70 catches (he had 55) and 1,000+ yards (he had 873) if he could just catch passes that hit him in the hands. Leading the league in drops — by a lot — is not the mark of a true #1 WR. Edwards now has an 80-catch, 16-TD season sandwiched in between two seasons in which he averaged 58 catches and 4.5 TDs.

So which player is the real Braylon Edwards? We know that he is extremely talented, and capable of making incredible plays. He just has yet to show this ability consistently, which makes him risky from a fantasy perspective.

We know who the real Ochocinco is based on his consistent track record — unless he has simply lost a step and is on the downside of his career, which I do not believe — but the statistical evidence is less clear with Edwards. Though Braylon has youth on his side, he has also been a #3 fantasy receiver for two seasons and a #1 receiver for one. That’s not a good ratio when the alternative is a guy with a full half decade of evidence that proves his ability to anchor a receiving corps.

3 – Ochocinco has more proven help around him to prevent consistent double-coverage

The Bengals lost T.J. Houshmandzadeh in the offseason, but brought in Laveraneus Coles to replace him. And though Coles at 32 is not the same player he once was, he still caught 70 balls and 7 TDs last year with an aging and injured Brett Favre as his QB. The Bengals also have a rejuvenated and possibly more mature Chris Henry (sleeper alert!  Seriously…) on the outside to provide a deep threat opposite Ochocinco. Plus, the Bengals running game sucks (Cedric Benson?  Please.) and their defense is unproven, meaning there will probably be a lot of throwing. With a solid three WR attack, Ochocino should find plenty of openings.

As for the Browns, they attempted a more long-term solution to their passing attack woes this offseason. Kellen Winslow and Joe Jurevicius are gone and Donte Stallworth is suspended, and in their place the Browns drafted two rookies (Brian Robiskie and Mohamed Massaquoai) in the second round and hope that the combo of Steve Heiden-Martin Rucker can provide a solid tight end duo. They also brought in Mike Furrey as a sure-handed slot receiver. While I love the long-term potential of the rookies, and think the Heiden-Rucker combo is underrated, there is no proven reason yet for teams not to double cover Edwards and make someone else prove they can produce consistently. Remember, when Edwards went nuts in 2007, Kellen Winslow was healthy all year and Joe Jurevecius provided a sure-handed option on the other side.

And seriously, If Braylon can barely catch passes when he’s wide open, how are we to expect a significant rebound when he’ll probably be pretty heavily covered again all year in 2009?

Plus, with Jerome Harrison and James Davis showing great potential alongside the aging Jamal Lewis, the Browns will be more run-oriented than the Bengals. I would think Ochocino would see more targets than Edwards as a result, obviously making his value higher.

In the end, I believe 2009 will be much better for both Chad Ochocino and for Braylon Edwards than 2008 proved to be. As for who will be better, other than his advancing age (Ochocinco will be 31 when the season starts, while Edwards will be 26) there is no reason not to like Ochocinco more for 2009. I think we will see numbers much closer to his averages from 2003-2007 (90-95 catches, 1,350-1,400 yards, 8-9 TDs) while Edwards will be somewhere between his 2007 and 2008 seasons (70-75 catches, 1,000-1,100 yards, 7-9 TDs).

Draft Chad Ochocino as a low-end #1 WR and feel good about it so long as Carson Palmer stays upright. Draft Braylon Edwards as a #2 WR and hope for — but don’t expect — a surprising resurgence to #1 status. If you are like me, and your goal is to minimize risk early, Chad Ochocino is the way to go if you’re in the position of deciding between he and Braylon Edwards.

Plus, who knows, Ochocino might just get kicker eligibility at some point this season. 

**********

* – Braylon Edwards drop photo credit: Waiting For Next Year

* – Chad Johnson v New England photo credit: PastaPadre.com

* – Chad Johnson / Carson Palmer photo credit: ESPN.com

* – Braylon Edwards v Cincy photo credit: SortsOfSports.com

And unlike many of his past antics, this one actually didn’t seem all that ridiculous, mainly because he didn’t look out of place as a kicker.

When you watch the video below, pretend I didn’t tell you who was kicking and just watch the flight of the ball. Looks any other extra point you might see. The kickoff (not in the video) was pretty good too, though a little short. It had nice hangtime but was caught around the 11-12 yardline.

My favorite part is the announcers, who are clearly amused by the whole thing, and at one point say, “He’s going to be hard to live with.” Something tells me they probably said the same thing often last season, but with a decidedly more negative connotation.

Click here for Bengals, other NFL tickets as low as $5 from StubHub

Anyway, here’s the video:

Video: Chad Ochocinco Kicks Extra Point in Bengals-Patriots Preseason Game

While watching ESPN this morning they showed Bill Belichick and Marvin Lewis at their respective press conferences. Belichick was his typical droll, stoic self, but did say that Chad Johnson was “the best kicker out there” or something to that effect. Not sure if he was just trying to play a subtle motivational game with his own kicker, but I thought it was pretty interesting.

And Marvin Lewis looked like he loved it. What a change a year makes huh?

I’ve always liked Chad Johnson, but haven’t been too fond of his antics since becoming Ochocinco. Hopefully he can put a lot of the overtly selfish stuff behind him and go back to being one of the most dynamic, exciting, and fun players in the NFL. The last 18 months or so have seen him take it way over the top, but his attitude so far this year, and the video of him kicking the extra point above, seem a lot more like the old Chad Johnson. And that is much better for the NFL and certainly better for the Bengals.

The Amazing Pujols

Albert Pujols is the man, and our friends over at Sharapova’s Thigh wonder if this will be the mighty Pujols’ most mighty season yet.

He is certainly well on his way, and at 29 years old Albert Pujols already has hit 331 HR, surpassed 1K in RBI, and is a .334 lifetime hitter. That’s just ridiculous.

And, of course, in the wake of Manny Ramirez’s suspension for violating the anti-PED policy in baseball, every baseball fan is silently hoping to himself that nothing will ever taint the purity of Pujols’ accomplishments. ARod used to be the shining beacon of hope in the midst of baseball’s steroid thunderstorm, but he was probably miscast in that role anyway…considering he’s a douche bag.

I’ve given up hope on most current and former baseball players and stopped giving the vast majority of them any benefit of the doubt. And I don’t blame myself for not being able to withstand the force of pessimism…I blame Major League Baseball and the greed and vanity of the players.

However, one of the few guys that I remain steadfast in defending is Albert Pujols.

I just don’t see it. I believe the stories about his incredible character, and I believe the consistency of his numbers. I know that he is from the DR and that many Dominican baseball players are linked to steroids, and that there have been whispers that he may be older than he says, and that Tony LaRussa is his manager (and he still thinks Big Mac did not take steroids), and I know that Pujols was reared in the big leagues during perhaps the most rampant steroid era in the history of American sports…but I don’t care. I’m buying in.

In fact, I’m done referring to PED’s as performance-enhancing drugs. From now, I’m calling them Pujols Emulation Drugs. Albert Pujols is the standard by which all other major league baseball players should be held, both on and off the field. Anyone caught using PEDs, like Manny for instance, is clearly just trying to reach Pujols’ level. But that’s the greatness of Albert Pujols: he didn’t need to use PEDs to get where he is (good Lord I hope…I really do). And while everyone else tries to emulate him and reach his level, he remains above the fray with a personal and professional integrity that makes him an anomaly in a game in which the names of miscreants (ARod, Bonds, Clemens, Pete Rose, the Black Sox, Ty Cobb, and many others) are as famous — or infamous — as the good guys (Griffey, Maddux, The Big Hurt, Willie Mays, Hank Aaron, and many others).

So there is my newly formed defense for Albert Pujols. Why would he need to take Pujols-emulating drugs? He is already the mighty Pujols. And his quiet excellence, leadership, and integrity are what players need to emulate, rather than cheating by taking drugs to try to emulate his numbers.

The Amazing Rockets

Who the hell would have thought that Houston would go 2-1 against the Lakers after Yao Ming went out with an injury?

Bill Simmons famously coined the term “Ewing Theory” (after getting it from his friend) to describe a team that ascends to greater heights without a superstar than it did with him, but has there ever been a case of a team flying this much higher after losing two superstars? The NBA is supposed to be a league in which wins, losses, and playoff success hinge on the performance of superstar players. Yet the Rockets are defying the odds and have forced a Game 7 against the mighty Lakers. We should probably wait to see if they actually win Game 7 before coining the “Yaogrady Theory” or the “McMing Theory”, but the Rockets have certainly done enough already to overcome what was expected of them.

The Predictable White Sox

Last year after 33 games the Chicago White Sox were 15-18 and Mark Buehrle was the loser of game 33. The offense sucked, there were questions surrounding the pitching staff, but the bullpen had been solid. Once the weather heated up, so did the White Sox bats, and they ultimately won the AL Central.

This year after 33 games the Chicago White Sox are 15-18 and Mark Buehrle was the loser of game 33. The offense sucks, there are questions surrounding the pitching staff, but the bullpen has been solid. Now, as the weather heats up…?

Stay calm White Sox fans. I’ve been as frustrated as anyone, and we really are playing like absolute hor$e$hit right now, but we are built on the long ball again this year, and our aging bats don’t usually heat up until the weather does. And the AL Central is only one good week away from being ours again.

At least, that’s what I’m going to keep telling myself.

The Hilarious Internet

A couple of really funny links for your viewing pleasure:

• Why the F*** Do You Have a Kid?
• Awkward Family Photos

The Insufferable Brett Favre

Brett Favre went to see Dr. James Andrews. I know this because Ed Werder and Chris Mortensen reported it, but also because it is another sign that Favre might play in 2009 despite all of his statements to the contrary. All things being equal, I wouldn’t mind seeing Brett Favre play again. He’s the only quarterback in the league with the potential to throw 5 TDs or 5 INTs (or both perhaps) on any given Sunday. There is an inherent excitement in that.

But just say one way or the other and stop all of the charades and games. Seriously. The next thing you know, Favre will be posing for pictures like this one.

The Insane Chad Johnson…err, Chad Ochocinco

It’s official: Chad Johnson can officially put Ochocinco on the back of his jersey. The guys who do the morning radio show on 1310 The Ticket here in Dallas always point out examples of how close our society is to becoming like the dumbed-down future society predicted by the movie Idiocracy. This is yet another example.

And finally, some random pics of a gorgeous and sexy woman: here, here, and here. And then a video that is, well, pretty irresistible.

Have a great day everyone. Be back later.

As I’m sure you know by now, Kellen Winslow has been suspended by the Cleveland Browns for this Sunday’s game against Jacksonville. In a statement released today, Phil Savage basically said it was due to conduct detrimental to the team and that ever stone has been overturned trying to fix the staph infection problem plaguing the Browns.

Kellen Winslow issued his own statement backing up the validity of what he said that got him suspended, but also taking responsibility, professing his commitment to the Browns, claiming that he remains loyal and wants to be a Brown for a very long time, and saying that his statements Sunday night had nothing to do with football or his contract situation.

I really hope so Kellen. But here is the problem: Kellen’s agent is Drew Rosenhaus, who has proven time and again that he is a Machiavellian puppeteer when it comes to trying to squeeze every last dollar possible out of NFL teams.

Quick — when you think of Drew Rosenhaus’ clients, who are the first two who come to mind? If you said Chad Johnson and Terrell Owens, you are like a vast majority of people I would presume. And why are these two of the most well-known Rosenhaus clients? Because they made complete fools of themselves, damaged their teams, damaged their reputations; and all in the name of getting more money, more money, more money.

Is it possible that Terrell Owens and Chad Johnson are just loose cannons who did push-ups in their driveway and claimed they would never play for the Bengals again all on their own? I guess. I’m not a beat reporter or an NFL Insider, so I don’t know what goes on behind the scenes. But I know what I hear and what I read, and it certainly seems like players’ priorities tend to change the minute Drew Rosenhaus gets ahold of them. He can’t make a dime off of their NFL contract until he negotiates it for them. Hence, when Kellen Winslow picked up Rosenhaus as his agent, many people figured it meant Kellen wanted a new deal sooner rather than later.

Here is what I hope: I hope that Kellen Winslow was sincere in saying that his recent insubordination is a result of his feelings being hurt and thinking that he had an altruistic responsibility to get the truth out. If so, I still think he was wrong because he brought all of this on his team; but I can at least respect his commitment to principle.

If, however, this is all part of a Rosenhausian plot to pave the way for Kellen’s ultimate departure from Cleveland, then I say shame on both of them. I have no reports to link out to that say this is the case, and I hope that my hypothesis is wrong. But the more I read about this situation, the more it smells like Drew Rosenhaus trying to be opportunistic and angle a way out of town for his client, while throwing the Browns under the bus in the process.

Although, make no mistake: the Browns deserve every piece of criticism they get here. I realize they have done everything possible to fix the issue; but until they do in fact solve the staph infection problem, the organization has to maintain accountability for the issue and should do it publicly. They would expect the same from their players.

I think that only time will tell whether Kellen Winslow is currently being manipulated by Niccolo Rosenhaus. If he returns from his suspension humbled, hard-working, and hungry to be somewhat selfless in helping the Browns turn their season around, then I will be gladly wrong. On the other hand, if this current issue is only the tip of the iceberg, then we will have even more circumstantial evidence that the sports agent/ventriloquist named Drew Rosenhaus is in control.

Either way, it’s time to look forward. The 2008 season hangs in the balance this Sunday when the Cleveland Browns take on the Jacksonville Jaguars. The Browns found some magic and rhythm the last time Kellen Winslow was out; perhaps they can find that same magic and rhythm with him out again.

(Since this post was published, Phil Savage has publicly addressed the suspension of Kellen Winslow. Read excerpts, our take, and follow a link to listen to the audio yourself.)

(Photo Art by Midwest Sports Fans — you may click the Photoshopped goodness above but it will not enlarge; the heads in the image are already big enough, don’t you think?)

[tags]kellen winslow, drew rosenhaus, cleveland browns, nfl, football, terrell owens, chad johnson[/tags]