This is the fifth post in Kurt’s continuing series to identify the NFL’s Ultimate Franchise Player of All-Time. For an explanation of his methodology for choosing each franchise’s ultimate franchise player, and then how you and he will choose the NFL’s Ultimate Franchise Player from that list, click here.

To see all the category page for this series, of which there will be one for every franchise, click here.

Previous selections: ARI | ATL | BAL | BUF

Larry Fitzgerald, Deion Sanders, Ray Lewis, and Bruce Smith.

And that’s just the First Four; a diverse mix of a wide receiver, a cornerback, a linebacker, and a defensive end. Two players still active, two already enshrined in Canton.

There are still 28 automatic bids to be awarded for MSF’s Ultimate Franchise Player tourney, which will precede our own Selection Sunday, where the 32 at-large bids are awarded and we learn the seeds of 64 of the best pro football players ever out of the tens of thousands who have played the game over the past 90+ seasons.

Carolina Panthers History and Honorable Mention

Today we turn our attention to the Carolina Panthers, who have not necessarily had a bad record during the franchise’s 17 years of existence.

The team took the New England Patriots down to the wire in Super Bowl 38, made two other appearances in the NFC Championship game (including the franchise’s second season in 1996), and was a 12-4 team as recently as 2008.

The problem, at least in determining the franchises UFP, is that unlike the Baltimore Ravens (Ray Lewis and even Ed Reed), no one player stands out in legendary fashion, at least for a prolonged period, with the team.

For that reason, the Panthers representative will be the UFP’S version of North Carolina-Asheville, a one-bid team, and likely a #15 or #16 seed.

But there will be one Panther who will get the chance to represent the franchise against someone sitting on the Mt. Rushmore of NFL history  – and no, Rae Carruth is not a candidate.

Kerry Collins (QB 1995-98)

A good friend of mine simply just cannot get enough of Kerry Collins. We watched what proved to be Collins’ final NFL game this past season as a member of the Indianapolis Colts.

I asked him ‘Weren’t you screaming about this guy six years ago when he was with the Raiders??’

His answer: ‘Yes, same (21” standard definition) TV set, same (eight speakers in all) stereo system, just a refurbished man cave…’

Well, Kerry was the QB for the franchise’s first year of existence before imploding both on and off the field in 1997-98. I can’t nominate Collins for Giants UFP, or Raiders UFP, Colts UFP, Titans UFP, and definitely not Saints UFP – so I will give him a call here, just for old time’s sake.

John Kasay (K 1995-2010)

Kasay was the only kicker the Panthers had ever known before finding employment with the New Orleans Saints this past season. He made good on 37 of 45 attempts during the 1996 season and now stands at just under 82% for his career. More impressively, Kasey is above 50% for his career (41-79) from 50+ yards out.

Jake Delhomme (QB 2002-09)

Listen to the words of Elton John’s Rocket Man very closely, and you swear the man sings ‘HE’S THROWING IT UP FOR GRABS LIKE JAKE DELHOMME…’ Those ARE the lyrics, don’t try to tell me otherwise.

Unfortunately, there are too many bad memories regarding the end of Jake’s career and not the rest of the book, in particular the Super Bowl season and 53 TDs in the two seasons that followed. In games started for Carolina, Delhomme was 53-37 for his career. Not bad stuff for someone who cut his teeth spending several years kicking around the New Orleans Saints roster.

Wesley Walls (TE 1996-2002)

If you’re looking for spectacular, look elsewhere – but look no further if seeking dependable. Walls caught 55+ passes four times during his tenure in Carolina, and he was particularly dangerous in the red zone, catching double-digit TD passes in two seasons.

Between 1996 and 2001, Walls was a regular for the Pro Bowl except for an injury-marred 2000 season.

Stephen Davis (RB 2003-05)

Davis spent the majority of his career with the Washington Redskins, but at the end of his career signed his ceremonial one-day contract with the Panthers. He was a league MVP finalist after the 2003 Super Bowl season, rushing for 1,444 yards in the regular season and 315 more in the playoffs. Davis was injured the next season and did not do much more in the league after that. He led the entire league with 17 scores in 1999.

Mike Minter (FS/SS 1997-2006)

Minter is the team’s all-time leader in games started (141), fumbles recovered (11), and career pick-six’s (4). A member of the University of Nebraska’s 1995 National Championship team, Minter contemplated a bid as a GOP candidate for a House of Representatives seat, but decided against it. Maybe he has a better shot getting the Republican nomination over Mitt Romney, just say you care about the ‘very poor’.

Kevin Greene (OLB 1996, 1998-99)

Seeing him these days as the Green Bay Packers linebackers coach, Greene still looks like he could play. He finished his career with 160 sacks, at the time a record for linebackers. Greene only spent three of his 15 seasons as a Panther, but he recorded 41.5 sacks during that time.

Chris Gamble (CB 2004-present)

He tends to live up to his name sometimes, but the team has liked him enough that he’s currently inked to a six-year/$53 million contract. He has not done a lot in the interception department since picking off 13 passes in his first two seasons.

Steve Beuerlein (QB 1996-2000)

Has the best single-season ever by any Panthers quarterback – in 1999 Beuerlein throwing for over 4,400 yards and 36 TD passes, which was good for the only Pro Bowl berth of his 16 year career. In no other season did Beuerlein even throw for as many as 20 TD passes.

Kris Jenkins (DT 2001-07)

Jenkins was well on his way to becoming one of the most feared at the position, being a key factor in the 2003 Super Bowl run, before injuries derailed his career. One of Jenkins’ more memorable moments came in Week 2 of the ’03 season when he blocked a would-be game-winning PAT by Tampa Bay’s Martin Gramatica on the final play of regulation time, the first such occurrence in league history.

Michael Bates (KR 1996-2000)

Thankfully, he got out of the game before the league moved kickoffs back up to the 35-yard line. Bates made the Pro Bowl in all five seasons with the Panthers as a return man, returning five kicks for scores during that time. He was also a member of the NFL’s All-Decade team.

Ryan Kalil (C 2009 – present)

Kalil is a part of the nucleus that represents the future for the franchise, making the Pro Bowl in each of his first three seasons. He inked a 6-year/$49 million contract before the 2011 season, making Kalil the highest paid center in league history. Younger brother Matt Kalil is an offensive tackle who followed in Ryan’s footsteps at the University of Southern California and is currently projected as a top-five overall pick for the 2012 NFL Draft.

Jon Beason (ILB/OLB 2007 – present)

Beason missed virtually all of the just-completed campaign after suffering a torn Achilles, but before that Beason averaged over 100 tackles per season and was a Pro-Bowler as a ILB in ’08 and ’09, and then as an outside backer in 2010 after moving over to replace an injured starter. Beason signed a 5-year/$50 million contract before the start of the ’11 season.

THE FINAL FIVE

Cameron Newton (QB 2011-present)

Five-six years from now, Cam Newton may very well be the front-runner as the Panthers UFP. Cam had one of the most prolific seasons of any rookie quarterback in league history, throwing for over 4,000 yards and setting an all-time league record with 14 rushing scores. So he absolutely stunk it up at the Pro Bowl, but how long are you REALLY going to hold that against him??

Muhsin Muhammad (WR 1996-2004, 2008-09)

Perhaps the most complete resume of any Panther all-time, catching 696 passes and 50 TD’s during his 11 seasons with the team. Moose’s best season was 2004, when he led the league in both receiving touchdowns (14) and yards (1,405). He did a second tour with the Panthers after being released by the Chicago Bears and finished his career with over 11,000 yards receiving.

Sam Mills (ILB 1995-97) COURAGE SELECTION

Sam Mills spent his life proving people wrong, as he wasn’t given much of a chance to succeed in pro ball standing 5’9”, and had to cut his teeth in the United States Football League for three years. Mills then went on to star for the New Orleans Saints, and he earned his fifth and final Pro Bowl appearance in 1996 at age 37.

But Mills’ greatest legacy to the Panthers franchise was by continuing to serve as linebackers coach during the 2003 NFC Championship season while battling an intestinal cancer which would eventually prove fatal. The words ‘Keep Pounding’ from one of Mills’ pre-game speeches will live on forever in Carolina Panthers lore.

Julius Peppers (DE 2002-09)

The second overall pick of the 2002 NFL Draft, Peppers lived up to all expectations as a Panther and recorded 81 sacks and forced an incredible 30 fumbles in his eight years with the team. A former basketball standout at North Carolina, Peppers is one of only two people to participate in both the Final Four as well as the Super Bowl.

Steve Smith (WR 2001-present)

The arrival of Cam Newton proved to be the perfect recipe to revive Smith’s career, and he wound up recording 1,394 receiving yards in 2011, which put him over 10,000 yards total for his career.

And don’t forget Smith’s role as one of the league’s most dangerous return men over the years; he has scored six times on return scores in the regular season plus a post-season punt return score in 2005. That same year, Smith also caught 12 passes for 218 yards and two scores in a playoff win in Chicago.

Smith also gets points just for surviving a few years where Carolina had some awful quarterback problems, which sabotaged his stat-lines. Smith is also no one a teammate wants to deal with during a training camp fracas.

AND THE WINNER IS…

I gave Cam Newton major props for putting him in my top five after a historic rookie season, but cannot seriously be considered for UFP at this time. Muhsin Muhammad had a very good career, but just not spectacular enough. Sam Mills ranks #88 on Pro Football Reference’s EloRater, but spent the majority of his career elsewhere.

That leaves Julius Peppers and Steve Smith, and a compelling argument can be made for each player, both of whom are still active. Pro Football Reference has Peppers ranked #144 and Steve Smith #182.

The tie-breaker is that Peppers is now employed by another team, and only spent eight years in all in Carolina. Meanwhile Smith is at 11 years and counting, and should have 2-3 more solid years teaming up with Cam Newton.

So via process of elimination and having the most impressive overall body of work, MSF’s Ultimate Franchise Player for the Carolina Panthers is…

STEVE SMITH

Anyway, there isn’t much to say about Luck for this week in looking back; but we can look forward.

This Saturday, December 10th, the Heisman Trophy will be awarded. Later today, the finalists will be announced, and everyone rightly assumes that Luck will one of them. Other names likely to be included are Robert Griffin III, Trent Richardson, and hopefully Montee Ball of Wisconsin.

We will have a complete preview of this year’s Heisman later in the week, but I’ll say right now that I don’t think Luck will win.

He won’t win, in part, because there were so many other outstanding individual players – namely the aforementioned three – in college football this year.

Luck also won’t win because his play and overall numbers fell short of the outrageous expectations that were placed upon him before the season and throughout, especially as the concept of “Suck For Luck” was discussed and written about by idiot bloggers in their mothers’ basements.

And Luck also will not win because in his biggest game, against Oregon, he wasn’t transcendent; he was merely good, but he he needed to be great.

Still, Luck had an incredible season, and I look forward to seeing he and Stanford take on Oklahoma State in the Fiesta Bowl. It will be an up and down the field kind of game, and it should be a great final college showcase for Luck before the Indianapolis Colts make him the #1 pick in the 2012 NFL Draft.

With that in mind, let’s quickly count down the suckiest of the sucky in this week’s Suck For Luck Power Rankings.

NFL Suck For Luck Power Rankings: Week 14

1. St. Louis Rams (2-Suck)

That’s right, for this week the Rams are taking over the top spot. I’m sick of piling on the Colts, and you know what? Indy did beat the spread last week, so at least they won something. St. Louis, on the other hand, well, they couldn’t beat an egg with a bowl, a fork, and a counter. They are awful. (As was that egg thing…so it fits.)

Remember when the Rams beat New Orleans? How the hell did that happen?

St. Louis didn’t advance past the 49ers’ 45-yard line all day. Not once. Consequently, they scored zero points. They have also made me look like an absolute fool because I have continued ranking them better than their record dictated, thinking they’d turn it around in the second half of the season. Nope. They just keep sucking.

Maybe it’s karma for the Cardinals coming out of nowhere to win the World Series. Seriously. I wonder if some St. Louis sports fan (this guy perhaps?) made a deal with the devil late in August exchanging any semblance of competitiveness from the Rams for the Cardinals to make the unlikeliest of unlikely World Series runs.

Well, do you have a better explanation?

Oh, well maybe you do.

Or perhaps the explanation is that Rams’ supposed franchise QB (seen below sporting his Von Miller starter kit) hasn’t really developed yet into a franchise QB.

Nah. I’m not ready to give up on Bradford yet (though he should give up on those glasses.)

2. Indianapolis Colts (1-11)

Yes, yes, I know the Colts are officially 0-12, but I am giving them a mercy victory. They were 20-point underdogs to the Patriots and only by lost seven points after a 21-point 4th quarter closed the Patriots’ lead to 31-24.

Occasions when nice things can be said about the Colts have been rare this year, so I’m taking this one.

Now, here is a picture of Jim Caldwell receiving electroshock therapy.

3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-8)

This team is in utter collapse mode, and I don’t see any way Raheem Morris gets another year. It will be interesting to see how they bounce back next year. There is talent on the roster, but are there enough leaders to form it into a cohesive team?

Maybe Joe Maddon wants to coach football?

4. Minnesota Vikings (2-10)

There is no great shame in losing to Tim Tebow and the Broncos, but you are what your record says you are, and 2-10 is 2-10. Plus, that defense is utterly atrocious. When did the Vikings just completely forget how to cover in the secondary?

Also, here is an important question to consider after Tim Tebow faced off against Christian Ponder:

Image source: Reddit

5. Chargers/Jaguars Loser

6. Chargers/Jaguars Winner

Real barn-burner you’ve got tonight ESPN!

7. Philadelphia Eagles (4-8)

Do you realize the NFC West may just be better than the NFC East this year?

The 49ers are clearly the best of the 8 teams, while the Rams are the worst. But the Cowboys have now been beaten by Arizona and Seattle took care of the Giants. Perhaps the NFC East is still slightly better, but it’s close. And who would have thought that coming into the season?

8. Cleveland Browns (4-8)

They should probably be higher, because they are really, really, really, ridiculously bad – maybe the worst 4-win team in NFL history – but many of my friends are Browns fans. So consider this a mercy ranking.

9. Carolina Panthers (4-8)

They have certainly looked better the last two weeks, but they’ve also played Indy and Tampa Bay, so let’s not get too carried away.

Also, if you missed it, make sure you watch this.

10. Buffalo Bills (5-7)

Another week, another loss for the franchise that will probably go down as the worst team to ever start a season 5-2. Remember that?

Others receiving votes: Washington, Kansas City, Oakland, and Dallas – the last two because, well, those were a couple of awful losses last week.

I’ll give Miami, Seattle, and Arizona a reprieve this week after all scored nice victories in Week 13.

*****

Please submit your gripes below. They are always welcome.

But today, the phrase “suck for Luck” has nothing to do with a certain NFL team losing game after game and positioning themselves for the #1 pick. Rather, it has to do with the Nike Pro Combat unis that Stanford wore Saturday night.

Which sucked.

Photo credit: AP Photo/Paul Sakuma via ESPN.com

I’ve seen some bad version of the Nike Pro Combat unis (Georgia’s immediately come to mind), but these may the worst. Black helmets? Black numbers? For Stanford? I suppose the jersey itself isn’t bad, but nothing about it says Stanford. And, um, isn’t that what jerseys are supposed to do?

I have a solution.

We need to get this guy on the case:

Seriously, can you imagine the indignation if this bro had seen that Stanford-Notre Dame game? He’d have downed the entire bottle of 1800 by halftime because of those uniforms.

Whatever happened to men, Michael Imperibroli? Nike. And it’s Pro Combat Uniforms. That’s what.

Now drink up while I break down the NFL’s top/bottom 10 in the race to draft Matt Barkley or Robert Griffin (if they go pro) since the race to draft Luck is pretty much done.

NFL Suck For Luck Power Rankings: Week 13

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1. Indianapolis Colts (0-11)

Breaking news: the Colts lost again.

Here is their remaining schedule. You tell me where a win might come from: at New England, at Baltimore, vs Tennessee, vs Houston, at Jacksonville.

• They sure as hell aren’t beating New England or Baltimore. In fact, they might lose by a combined 100 points.
• I suppose they could beat Tennessee, but the Titans should still be alive in AFC South race then.
• Houston at home is a possibility depending on their QB situation, and if they have the AFC South clinched, but I think the Texans could win just direct snapping it to Arian Foster.
• Week 17 at Jacksonville is a possibility because any team quarterbacked by Blaine Gabbert could lose to any team quarterbacked by anyone else – even you, dear reader.

So, with nothing else really to say about this sorry sack of a Manning-less team, here is a picture of Curtis Painter doing one of the few things he does better than Peyton Manning: carrying laundry.

Photo credit: USA Today

2. St. Louis Rams (2-9)

That’s it. I’m done with the Rams. And they still have to play San Francisco twice! If you own Steven Jackson in fantasy, trade him. Trade him now.

3. San Diego Chargers (4-7)

A bunch of the other craptastic teams won this weekend, so we’ll bump the sorry Chargers all the way up to #3. When you start out 4-1 then lose six straight games, each in excruciating fashion, you get rewards like this.

It’s safe to say that the Norv Turner Era will soon be ending in San Diego, and all 16 of their die-hard fans must be thrilled with that news.

In honor of the Chargers’ rapid ascent up these Suck For Luck Power Rankings, here is the most disturbing image of Philip Rivers on the first page of a Google Image search for his name:

Image source: Pyromaniac

Ah, what the hell. Here’s another one:

Image source: Pyromaniac

My apologies in advance for any nightmares you have tonight.

4. Carolina Panthers (3-8)

Let’s not carried away with excitement here. You beat Indianapolis, and you allowed them to score 19 points. And congrats on running all over them, but everyone does that.

5. Cleveland Browns (4-7)

The Browns jumped out to an early lead over the Bengals, only to give it away to the clear #1 football team in the state of Ohio (since Ohio State is down this year).

But hey, at least Peyton Hillis was back! Maybe now he can start to recapture the magic of 2010. Assuming, of course, that he doesn’t get anymore sore throats or have any more shotgun weddings.

6. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-7)

The Bucs have now lost five in a row, and they actually make the Colts looks suffocating against the run. Chris Johnson hasn’t been able to juke a brown paper sack this year, yet he racked up 190 yards against the Bucs on Sunday.

The only question for this team now, with the playoffs clearly out of the question, is does Raheem Morris make it to next year? If the Bucs want to have any hope of not squandering the talent they’ve accumulated, I say the answer is no. We’ll see.

7. Philadelphia Eagles (4-7)

Yes, I think the Vikings and Dolphins, among others, would beat the Eagles right now. That is how bad this team is playing. Their coaches are yelling at eachother on the sidelines, Desean Jackson isn’t blatantly short-arming catch attempts, and good players are getting injured one right after another.

Side note: when Andy Reid gets his walking papers at the end of the year, and it’s becoming likely that he will, some team looking for a head coach (hello Dolphins!) better snatch him up quickly. I’ll agree that perhaps it’s time for a parting of the ways in Philly. Sometimes that happens, even to good coaches. Sometimes change is needed. But it doesn’t mean Reid is no longer a good, perhaps even great, NFL coach. I don’t think he’d stay unemployed for long.

Now, apropos of absolutely nothing, here is a video of a hippo releasing a little pressure after a second helping of Thanksgiving dinner.

8. Minnesota Vikings (2-9)

Yes, the Vikings have now replaced the Rams as the team I irrationally support despite their record. But seriously, the Vikings have played decent football in hanging tough at Atlanta without Adrian Peterson and almost coming back to beat Oakland. Can you honestly tell me you don’t think Minnesota could beat the seven teams above them on this list?

9. Seattle Seahawks (4-7)

You lose at home to Rex Grossman and the Redskins, you make this list. It’s as simple as that.

10. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-8)

Frankly, I kind of forgot about the Jaguars. Had I remembered them, I probably would have placed them in the 4-6 range because Blaine Gabbert sucks so much. But out of deference to the great Maurice Jones-Drew, who continues to play hard and churn out tons of yards in losing efforts, I’m going to keep the Jags here.

Seriously though, watch Gabbert in the pocket anytime anyone gets near him. He freezes up and braces for contact instead of standing in there like a man and delivering a throw (which I obviously would do if I were a professional football player). I wonder what Michael Imperioli would have to say about that after a few shots of 1800 tequila.

Honorable mention: Kansas City Chiefs (4-7), Washington Redskins (4-7), Arizona Cardinals (4-7), Buffalo Bills (5-6).

Honestly, all four of those teams deserved mention. There is a pretty clear line between the top 18 teams in the NFL and the bottom 14. So congrats to everyone who made this list! You officially suck.

**********

Combine Stanford’s loss to Oregon two weekend ago with Luck’s pedestrian numbers against Cal on Saturday (20-30, 257 yards, 2 TDs, 1 INT in a 31-28 win), and then mix in superlative performances by Baylor’s Robert Griffin III and USC’s Matt Barkley this past Saturday, and Luck doesn’t seem luck such a clear-cut #1 prospect any more, now does he?

Don’t get me wrong, Luck’s still the guy. If the NFL draft were held today, the Indianapolis Colts would snatch Luck up quicker than you can say “Peyton” and then deal with the ramifications later. Plus, we don’t even know if RG3 or Barkley are going to turn pro after this year.

Griffin surely won’t get the respect his performances and athletic ability deserve once NFL scouts start picking apart the simplicity of the offense he operates in, so he is unlikely to be a surefire top 10 pick. That, plus a desire to to win the Heisman (if he doesn’t this year) and take Baylor to even greater heights may compel him to stay in school.

As for Barkley, he has persevered through so much at USC while the school serves its punishment for crimes that happened before he got there. The Trojans have loads of talent and will be bowl eligible again next year. It seems reasonable to think he may want to stay for his senior year and finish what he started, though he’ll likely be projected as a higher pick than Griffin, making such a decision that much harder.

(Side note: remember when Landry Jones was discussed in the same sentence with these three guys? About that…)

Back to Luck.

Even with Griffin and Barkley seemingly closing the gap this weekend, Luck is still the guy I’d want my team taking if they had the chance. It’s become clear as the season has gone along that Luck simply doesn’t have great weapons to work with on offense, and that is depressing his still great numbers. For the season, Luck is still completing over 70% of his passes and has thrown 31 TDs against only 8 INTs.

So though some fans may be tempted to implore their teams to “stiffen for Griffin” or “keep missing the mark(ley) to get Barkley” (wow, that one sucks), Colts fans should still be hopeful that their team will maintain its “suck for Luck” trajectory. He still has franchise QB written all over him.

And now onto this week’s Suck for Luck Power Rankings, where not being #1 no longer looks quite so awful.

NFL Suck For Luck Power Rankings: Week 12

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1. Indianapolis Colts (0-10)

This is the first Monday that the Colts haven’t had to lament a loss all season. Score!

In celebration of the Colts not losing, here is a picture of Colts Jim Irsay and his smiling daughter Casey.

Image credit: Charlie Nye via The Indianapolis Star

2. St. Louis Rams (2-8)

That’s it. I’m done with the Rams.

I’ve supported this team all year, always ranking them lower in these rankings than their record or performance suggested. Why? I don’t know why. I guess because I foolishly keeping believing that Sam Bradford and Josh McDaniels will get this crappy offense going.

Well, when you get trounced at home by Tarvaris Jackson, Pete Carrol, and the Seahawks, you lose my support.

Sam Bradford “can’t believe how bad this season has been“? Join the club.

3. Carolina Panthers (2-8)

Here is another team that I’ve lost faith in. The Panthers were really playing well despite their 2-6 record before their bye came. Since then, they’ve gotten trounced by the Titans, and yesterday they gave up 49 points to Detroit in the process of blowing a big early lead.

Cam Newton is outstanding, and he continues to make the Panthers’ offense fun to watch, but you have to stop someone every now and again to win games. Considering new head coach Ron Rivera is a defensive-minded guy, hopefully he can get their defensive woes turned around. Maybe a high draft pick will help?

4. Washington Redskins (3-7)

The Redskins actually turned in an inspired performance yesterday in taking the Cowboys to overtime. They even had a chance to win, but Graham Gano’s field goal sailed wide and the Redskins once again snatched defeat from the jaws of victory.

The Redskins’ loss also included this bizarre play call from one of Mike Shanahan’s henchman…which really is a perfect visual representation for what Redskins football has become: inexplicable.

 GIF source: Imgur via Reddit

5. Arizona Cardinals (3-7)

I am ranking Arizona below the Rams, Panthers, and Redskins out of respect for Larry Fitzgerald, because he continues to be amazing. But my goodness is their QB situation awful. I know the 49ers have the best defense in the NFL, but that performance yesterday by John Skelton made Derek Anderson look like a Pro Bowler (again…remember when that happened?).

It’s not good when you’re longing for Kevin Kolb to be under center, but that’s what it has come to for Arizona.

6. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-7)

Congratulations, you lost to the Cleveland Browns. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

On the bright side, Blaine Gabbert threw for more than 100 yards! He actually tossed for 210 yards. But once again he did not throw a TD, and his yards per attempt was an anemic 5.1.

Is there anyone who wouldn’t take Luck, Barkley, or Griffin (hell, even Landry Jones) over Gabbert? I don’t think so. The Jags are going to regret this pick for a long time.

7. Cleveland Browns (4-6)

Has a team ever had an emptier four wins than Cleveland? They’ve beaten Indy, Miami back when the Dolphins were just giving games away, Seattle in a 6-3 barnburner, and the woeful Jags last week.

Bill Parcells famously said “you are what your record says you are” and I usually believe it. But come on. The Browns being “a 4-win team” is terribly false advertising. Yes, it’s technically true, but it implies some level of football competence. And those two words really never should be next to eachother when the subject is the Browns.

8. Minnesota Vikings (2-8)

Yeah, I probably have the Vikings too high, but consider this a continued show of respect for Adrian Peterson and Jared Allen. I think yesterday’s game against Oakland goes much differently if Peterson played the whole game, and I think the Vikings have actually found a QB they can build around, unlike everyone on this list except for Carolina (and maybe the Rams…maybe).

Also, I didn’t want to put the Vikings any higher on this list and make Drew Lange cry like a little girl. That would have been tragic.

9. San Diego Chargers (4-6)

As I perused the rest of the 4-6 teams, the Chargers stood out as the team playing the worst. They’ve dropped five straight and Philip Rivers is playing like absolute horsecrap. It’s shocking that a team that seemingly has so much talent could be so bad, but we’ve seen it from these Chargers year after year, with this recent five-game skid perhaps being the nadir.

A 14-2 season from Marty Schottenheimer doesn’t look so bad anymore, now does it?

In honor of one of the most unnecessarily disrespected good coaches in NFL history, here is Marty taking a Gatorade bath like an absolute boss.

10. Buffalo Bills (5-5)

I know that the Bills have a better record than Miami, Seattle, Tampa Bay, Kansas City, and Philadelphia, and that they’re even with Tennessee, the Jets, and Denver, but when you lose three straight games by a combined score of 106-26, and you’re having buyer’s remorse just a few weeks after signing your QB to a long-term contract extension, you get included in the Suck For Luck Rankings.

As for the honorable mentions, which I just mentioned, Kansas City better not get too comfortable. I’m keeping my eye on them, especially with Matt Cassel out and Tyler Palko not in. They face New England tonight on Monday Night Football, which very well could turn into a massacre. But hey, at least for this week, they’re better than the Bills!

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Got any gripes? That’s what the comment section is for. Have at it.

Don’t buy it.

No, Luck was not his usual spectacular self on Saturday night. He was 27-41 for 256 yards, 3TDs, and 2 INTs. Those are very good numbers, but not the other-worldly stats we’ve come to expect from the NFL’s Next Great Quarterback.

Still, I saw something from Luck on Saturday night that told me a lot about the kind of leader he is.

Late in the game, with the Cardinal needing a touchdown drive to cut the deficit to one possession, Luck threw a perfect strike to his wide receiver. Unfortunately, his receiver let the ball slip right through his hands, it deflected to an Oregon defender, and likethat Luck had thrown a pick 6 and the game was over.

How did Luck respond? Exactly how you’d want your leader to respond.

He immediately found the receiver – a freshman – on the sidelines and gave him an attaboy tap on the helmet, letting the clearly distraught freshman know his QB has his back.

Kirk Herbstreit pointed this out, and I concurred with the Prince of College Football’s statement that this was a great show of Luck’s leaderhsip. On a night when Luck was far from the perfect quarterback – he was merely very good as opposed to transcendent – he remained the perfect leader. For a quarterback, that’s an indispensable trait to have.

And I explain all of this to you for one reason: so Colts fans can feel better about their team frittering away what I thought was their last good chance to get a W. Colts fans, don’t listen to the unhype about Luck after Saturday. He’s still an amazing prospect. And he’s almost surely going to end up in Indianapolis now.

NFL “Suck For Luck” Power Rankings for Week 11

Here are this week’s Suck For Luck Power Rankings, which I post before Monday night’s game between the Vikings and Packers.

1. Indianapolis Colts (0-10)

I contemplated making this a one-team list and just calling it the Suck For Luck Power Ranking, because only the San Francisco 49ers and Green Bay Packers have bigger leads in their respective divisions than the Colts have in the Suck For Luck division.

What’s sad is that I actually thought the Colts would play well this week, what with it being their best chance to nab a W for the rest of the season. At a minimum I thought they’d keep it close and find a way to cover the three point spread. Instead, they lost 17-3 behind another porous effort from Curtis Painter.

At this point, I don’t really know what to say about the Colts. They are historically bad. A friend of mine on an email convo I’m privy to ran some geek numbers and figured out that the Colts are actually trending worse than the 2008 Lions team that finished 0-16. That’s not good.

All in all, I’d rate the Colts’ team performance this year at about, oh, 30 courics.

And here is the thought that just popped into my head immediately after realizing that Stan Marsh’s climactic deuce is the perfect metaphor for the Colts in 2011: the Colts angered the football gods a couple of years ago when they shat on the possibility of going undefeated, resting starters the final two weeks of the year after opening up with a 14-0 record, and they’ve been paying the piper ever since.

The gut punch loss in the Super Bowl. Peyton Manning’s injury. Everything about this season. If you can find reasonable evidence to suggest that pissed off football gods haven’t had a hand in this, please present it. (I don’t think you can.)

2. The NBA (0-2011)

No other team truly deserves to be #2, so I’m giving it to the NBA, which remains embroiled in a nasty lockout that isn’t really showing any signs of being solved soon. This means, of course, that Tyler Hansbrough cannot be a cure-all for the city of Indianapolis.

Whatever.

Frankly, I’ve always been a much bigger college basketball fan than an NBA fan, and I never really start paying attention to the NBA until after the new year. I know many of you do, so I hope it ends soon, but I’m kind of excited that what I think is going to be one of the best college basketball seasons in a while will get some extra attention.

3. Cleveland Browns (3-6)

I respect my Browns fan friends too much to post video of the missed field goal that sealed yet another crushing loss. (Plus, I just searched for it on YouTube and couldn’t find it within 10 seconds, which is my threshold for searching for something on the Internet before I give up.)

Instead, I’ll just post this video of Mike Polk, which all Browns fans can, unfortunately, relate to.

See you next week.

4. St. Louis Rams (2-7)

The Rams are still a game worse than Cleveland, and really should have lost that game, so it’s hard to put them too far behind Cleveland, especially when many of the other teams who would be in contention for this spot won.

I still like the Rams moving forward, still think they can get some Ws, and maybe Lady Luck smiling down upon them can start some positive momentum building.

Now, in St. Louis-related news that St. Louisians will actually care about, friend of MSF Matt Sebek (he of Joe Sports Fan) reported this weekend that “the (alleged) Photoshops of Albert Pujols in Miami uniform are starting to trickle out.” Here is one of them:

YYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

5. Carolina Panthers (2-7)

Whoa…what was that Carolina?

I have been firmly on this team’s bandwagon so far this season, but I was not expected a putrid performance like that against Tennessee. With so many other teams on this list winning last week, I can’t justify ranking any of them above the Panthers. Let’s hope that’s not a sign of how Camolina is going to finish what has been an otherwise very promising season.

6. Washington Redskins (3-6)

The Redskins were 3-1 at one time. They have now lost five in row, culminating in yesterday’s 11-point loss to the surging Miami Dolphins. This loss was compounded by Mike Shanahan pissing off every fantasy football owner Sunday morning by announcing that Rex Grossman and Ryan Torain would start over John Beck and Roy Helu.

And why would Shanahan do such a thing? Because he can. And because he loathes your very existence on this earth, you pumpkin-pie haircutted, fantasy football playing freak.

Of course, he also apparently hates winning now too, so don’t feel bad.

As for Redskins fans, there’s always golf.

Image source: Jim Grant via Deadspin

7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-5)

When, exactly, did this team win four games? My lasting impression of them is getting hammered by the 49ers and then pulverized yesterday by the Texans. Their combined margin of loss in those two games: 7,541 points.

Do you realize that Tampa Bay, despite having four wins, is one of only four teams in the NFL with a point differential of minus-70 or more? This supposed young team on the rise is much further away that people thought, and there were several times yesterday when I looked up at the Bucs-Texans game and thought Tampa Bay had just quit on a play.

But I’m sure that once Albert Haynesworth gets more assimilated into the locker room his unyielding effort and motor will rub off on his teammates and prevent any further quitting.

8. Kansas City Chiefs (4-5)

Why am I putting another 4-win team on this list before the many 3- and even 2-win teams who would seem more deserving? Because, like Tampa Bay, Kansas City is one of the four teams with a point differential of minus-77 or more. And over the last two weeks the Chiefs have been beaten by 28 points by a previously winless teams and lost a division game in which their opponent completed…two passes.

In the wake of the Chiefs’ latest collapse, the always magnanimous Todd Haley was nice enough to record a message for all Chiefs fans expressing his commitment to delivering a good football team for the rest of the season.

9. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-6)

The Jags probably shouldn’t have plummeted this far in the rankings after a win over Indy, which is so inevitable it should barely count more than a tie. But the Jags do play good defense, and I would pick them to beat any of the teams above on a neutral field. Like the Dolphins, I have to give the Jags credit for continuing to play hard. Jacksonville may not be very good, but you can’t say they are underachieving.

Unlike…

10. Philadelphia Eagles (3-6)

The Eagles actually have a positive point differential on the season (+17), mostly because of their demolition of the Cowboys a few weeks back. But when you’re supposed to be a “Dream Team” and you’re 3-6 after a home loss to a team quarterbacked by John Skelton, you have to be on the list of the 10 worst teams in the NFL.

By the way, I now view this picture in a completely different light after the events of this weekend.

Image credit: Carolyn Caster via Lehigh Valley Live

Just missed: Miami Dolphins (2-7); Minnesota (2-6); Seattle Seahawks and Arizona Cardinals (3-6)

For the record, I am shocked that I got through these rankings without the Dolphins, Seahawks, and Cardinals making it. But you know what? I think they’ve earned it. All three of those teams have continued playing hard and are winning some tough, close games. That’s much more than I can say about the other teams on this list, all of whom Suck…but clearly only one team is doing it for Luck.

**********

Now your thoughts. Where am I right? Where am I wrong? The comment section awaits your ire and indignation.

Without question, the story of the first half of the season (other than this) has been the ascent of the Detroit Lions.

They went 0-16 three years ago, then 2-14 in Jim Schwartz’s first year, then 6-10 last year; and now halfway through their 2011 slate Detroit, sitting at 6-2, is a bona fide contender in the NFC. And the Lions aren’t just an empty record either. They have the skill, attitude, reputation, and right now the health (knock on wood) to suggest that they aren’t going away.

So in honor of the Motor City Mufasas, and their roaring wreakers of wreckage Ndamukong Suh and Calvin Johnson, I give to you my Midseason NFL Power Rankings, with each team presented alongside a Motown classic that sums up the first half of its season.

The great Berry Gordy and Ndamukong Suh

1. Green Bay Packers (7-0) – “Higher Ground” by Stevie Wonder

After an uneven regular season in 2010, the Packers caught fire all the way to the Super Bowl. Along the way, Aaron Rodgers nudged his way into the Manning-Brady-Brees stratosphere of NFL quarterbacks.

Through seven games in 2011, the Packers haven’t missed a beat, and Rodgers has catapulted himself into the rarest of air: the undisputed #1 quarterback in football, and he’s on pace to complete the most efficient statistical season a quarterback has ever had.

As Stevie sings:

Lovers keep on lovin’
Believers keep on believin’
Sleepers just stop sleepin’

…

Gonna keep on tryin’
Till I reach my highest ground

Indeed, the Packers/Rodgers lovers and believers need to keep doing what they’re doing, and any remaining sleepers need to wake up to the reality that Rodgers is the best player in football.

If he hasn’t already reached the highest ground, it’s going to be amazing to see just how deadly the Packers’ offense is once he’s there.

2. San Francisco 49ers (6-1) – “Reach Out, I’ll Be There” by The Four Tops

Know this about the resurgent 49ers and their badass first year head coach Jim Harbaugh: at the end of the game, reach out and he’ll be the there…ready to shake your head after kicking your team’s butt. (Just try not to take it personally.)

And in case you needed any more reason why this is the perfect song choice for the 2011 take-no-prisoners 49ers, pay attention to the lyrics. Replace “girl” and “darling” with “Alex” (for Alex Smith), “I’ll” with “We’ll”, plus a few other subtle changes, and it might as well be a pregame Harbaugh speech to his much-maligned but improving QB.

Now if you feel that you can’t go on,
Because all of your hope is gone,
And your life is filled with much confusion,
Until happiness is just an illusion,
And your world around is crumbling down, Alex,
(Reach out) Come on Alex reach on out for me,
(Reach out) Reach out for me,
We’ll be there with a running game that will shelter you,
We’ll be there with a defense that will see you through,

See what I mean?

3. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-2) – “Ain’t Nothing Like the Real Thing” by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell

I’m not sure what that was from Pittsburgh in Week 1, but it was most certainly not the real Steelers that we’ve come to know and appreciate.

Over the Steelers’ last four games though, we’ve started to see the real Steelers emerge again, just with a little more passing than running, and it’s been a good reminder that in the NFL there ain’t nothing like the real thing; and it doesn’t get much more real in professional football than the Steelers.

4. Detroit Lions (6-2) – “Just My Imagination” by The Temptations

For years, decades really, Lions fans have had to watch the success of other franchises and pretend it was their own. Losing season after losing season, all the Lions had was their imagination if they wanted to cheer for a winner.

Not anymore.

Now all Lions fans need to do is use their imaginations to conjure up a future in which Matthew Stafford plays 16 games, because if he does, this team is ready to make its long-awaited return to the postseason. And they won’t be an easy out.

5. Baltimore Ravens (5-2) – “I Second That Emotion” by Smokey Robinson and The Miracles

After the Ravens’ offense sputtered against the Jags, Terrell Suggs publicly questioned the offensive gameplan. Surprisingly, Ravens coach John Harbaugh seconded Suggs’ emotion, agreeing that Ray Rice and Anquan Boldin needed to get the ball more.

One week later Cam Cameron and Joe Flacco got the notion, and the Ravens are back to their winning ways after Rice scored three TDs and Boldin topped 100 yards receiving.

6. New England Patriots (5-2) – “It’s The Same Old Song” by The Four Tops

An offense built around their statuesque quarterback who throws 40+ times every game, without much of a running game to speak of? Check.

A defense that gives up tons of yards, hopes to be “bend but don’t break” as a best case scenario, and is undeniably poor in the secondary and at rushing the passer? Check.

Sound familiar? That’s pretty much what the Patriots have been for the last three seasons, and for the last three seasons they’ve underwhelmed fans and pundits alike once January has rolled around. I’m struggling to find any reason to think this season will end any differently.

7. New Orleans Saints (5-3) – “What’s Going On” by Marvin Gaye

I don’t really feel like New Orleans deserves to be ranked this high, especially after what we witnessed from them last week and in their recent loss to Tampa Bay. Sandwiched in between those two defeats, however, was a thorough ass-kicking of the Indianapolis Colts; and anytime you beat another NFL team 62-7 it means, well, something.

The Saints still have Drew Brees, they still have weapons galore on offense, and they still have Sean Payton calling the shots. This outfit won a Super Bowl not too long ago, and they deserve the benefit of the doubt…for now. But they need to figure out what’s going on before far too many mothers, brothers, and fathers in The Bayou are left crying from another debacle like that loss to the Rams.

8. New York Giants (5-2) – “Ball of Confusion” by The Temptations

Is any good team more of a ball of confusion from year to year, week to week, and even quarter to quarter than the New York Giants? No.

Yet despite the ups and downs, here are the Giants sitting atop the NFC East with Eli Manning playing the best football of his career. Go figure.

9. Houston Texas (5-3) – “It Takes Two” by Marvin Gaye and Kim Weston

The song choice for the Texans is obvious from the first two lines:

One can have a dream, baby
Two can make that dream so real

For a while now, the Texans and their fans have had dreams of going to the playoffs, but unfortunately they only had one side of the ball that functioned competently. Not anymore. Wade Phillips has taken a defense that was an embarrassment last year and made it respectable, even weathering the loss of Mario Williams.

It does indeed take two – an offense and a defense – to make playoff dreams real. Could this be the season it finally happens in Houston?

10. Buffalo Bills (5-2) – “Papa Was a Rolling Stone” by The Temptations

The “papa” of these young Bills is head coach Chan Gailey, and he has indeed been a rolling stone during his coaching career. Buffalo is the 19th different coaching job Gailey has had since 1974. I know how transient of a profession coaching can be, but that is a lot of moving around.

Regardless, he has these Bills on the right track, sitting atop the AFC East.

11. New York Jets (4-3) – “Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch” by The Four Tops

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not sure the Jets have earned this high a spot in the rankings. They are on a two game winning streak, but beating the Dolphins and the apparently hapless Chargers isn’t all that impressive. Still, the Jets and their bombastic head coach cannot seem to help themselves: they always talk, they always struggle for parts of seasons, yet they always get it going when the weather gets cold. They’ve made two straight AFC Championship Games, so we can’t count them out yet.

(Note: there are also plenty of jokes that could be made in reference to Rex Ryan enjoying slices of sugar pie and handfuls of honey bunch, but I’ll refrain. Who do I look like…Joe Namath?)

12. Philadelphia Eagles (3-4) – “Uptight (Everything’s Alright)” by Steve Wonder

I know that fans in Cincinnati and all over the AFC West and NFC South are going to be apoplectic at the under-.500 Eagles being 12th above their favorite teams, but what can I say? This team is loaded with talent, and I think they’d beat all of the teams below them (including more than a few above them) if they played right now.

So, Philly fans, what are you so uptight about? As long as you’ve got Andy Reid, everything is all right. Until the playoffs at least…

13. Atlanta Falcons (4-3) – “Shotgun” by Jr. Walker and the All Stars

I predicted that the Falcons would miss the playoffs before the season started, and I’m not backing off that prediction at all, though I have been impressed by their last two victories.

During the offseason, the Falcons tried to remake their offense from a tank into a shotgun with the hyperathletic Julio Jones added to the team at a high cost. It appeared early on that Ryan and the Falcons were trying to justify the cost while forgetting about their bread and butter: Michael Turner.

Things have changed.

Turner is back leading the offense and the Falcons are winning. The question is how long can Turner withstand another season of pounding. We’ll see.

14. Cincinnati Bengals (5-2) – “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell

The Bengals had to deal with QB turmoil all offseason, limped into the regular season with rookies leading them at QB and WR, have had to deal with Cedric Benson’s continued legal troubles, and they lost corner Jonathan Joseph in the offseason. Also, certain Midwestern sports bloggers predicted the Bengals would finish with the worst record in the league. Yet all Marvin Lewis and the Bengals have shown is that there ain’t no football mountain high enough to keep this underrated team down this season.

At least so far.

Cincy’s wins are against Cleveland, Jacksonville, Buffalo, Seattle, and Indianapolis, and they still have four games coming up against Pittsburgh and Baltimore. This is why I’m not sold on the Bengals and have them at 14th. But if they can keep climbing mountains, this could be the most unlikely playoff team of 2011.

15. Kansas City Chiefs (4-3) – “Since I Lost My Baby” by The Temptations

The Chiefs have reeled off four straight wins since I ranked them #1 in my inaugural Suck 4 Luck Power Rankings, a winning streak that has moved them all the way into a first place tie in the AFC West. This has Chiefs fans seeing sun shining (yes, plenty of light), a new day dawning (so sunny and bright), and even birds signing and children playing.

But the reality is that without young stars Jamaal Charles, Eric Berry, and Tony Moeaki, all of whom the Chiefs lost early in the year to season-ending injuries, the Chiefs’ chances of going any further than they did last year – a first round playoff blowout – are slim to none.

16. San Diego Chargers (4-3) – “Hello” by Lionel Richie

It’s fitting that the Chargers are one spot behind the Chiefs, because they were one successful QB-center exchange away from beating them last night.

If I had time, I would create a YouTube video with the ball Rivers’ fumbled away singing this Lionel Richie ballad to him. It’s the kind of thing the Internet was invented for. Can’t you just see the ball rolling around on the ground plaintively singing these words to Rivers while the QB laments his “worst day ever“:

Hello!
Is it me you’re looking for?
’cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely?
Or is someone loving you?

17. Oakland Raiders (4-3) – “Ain’t Too Proud To Beg” by The Temptations

The Raiders are a hard team to figure out right now since we have no idea a) what they will get from Carson Palmer and b) if their offensive workhorse Darren McFadden can stay healthy enough all year to keep the pressure off of Palmer.

But we do know one thing: the Raiders were not begging nor pleading for anyone’s sympathy once Jason Campbell went down. They slept on Mike Brown’s doorstep and even let everyone laugh, because they wanted Carson Palmer any way they could get him. Now they have him, and we’ll see if they can just keep winning, baby.

18. Dallas Cowboys (3-4) – “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye

Did the Cowboys even have a Week 8 game? They did? Really? Because the only time I saw a Cowboy show up last week is Tony Romo when he announced that he and his new wife are expecting.

So since I have nothing constructive to say about Dallas’ no show on Sunday night, let’s honor the soon-to-be parents. Take it away Marvin.

19. Chicago Bears (4-3) – “You Keep Me Hanging On” by The Supremes

I tend not to trust teams that have severe offensive line issues, which is why the Bears fall towards the back of the teams bunched at 3-4 wins.

I also wouldn’t trust the Bears if I were Matt Forte, who I think is much closer to Adrian Peterson than Chris Johnson in terms of being deserving of a new contract. Can anyone blame Forte for feeling like the Bears are just keeping him hanging on? I mean really Jerry Angelo. If you’re not going to #paytheman, set him free why don’t ya?

20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-3) – “Brick House” by The Commodores

Tampa Bay was another supposedly up-and-coming team that I didn’t trust heading into the season. They’ve scratched together four wins, but they have looked pretty bad along the way at times.

So in honor of the bricks they’ve thrown up against San Francisco and the first half of the Chicago game in London, not to mention Josh Freeman’s 10 interceptions, here are The Commodores singing about bricks in a much different context.

21. Minnesota Vikings (2-6) – “All Night Long” by Lionel Richie

You know that Adrian Peterson is called “AD” because he can run all day long. Now that Minnesota has handed the reins of its offense over to rookie Christian Ponder, Peterson may have to run all day and all night long to help ease the rook’s transition.

Peterson is more than capable, and the Vikings – who have played better than their record – are more than capable of winning 4-5 of their remaining games if Ponder can just provide adequate play under center.

22. St. Louis Rams (1-6) – “You Can’t Hurry Love” by The Supremes

No, I’m not insane. I’m well aware that before last weekend’s trouncing of the Saints, the Rams hadn’t beaten anyone and hadn’t even really come close. Just consider me to be buying low on the Rams, and when they finish with 5-6 wins, remember that you heard it here first.

You can’t hurry a connection between a new offensive coordinator, an offensive line, and a young QB, but Sam Bradford and Josh McDaniels will get everyone on the same page. Having Brandon Lloyd will help, and having a leader like Steven Jackson to make sure no one mails it in will also keep these Rams on a forward trajectory all season.

23. Carolina Panthers (2-6) – “ABC” by The Jackson 5

Am I drinking the Cam Newton Kool-Aid after 8 games? You’re dadgum right I am, so much so that I came up with 20 teams who, hypothetically speaking of course, should trade their QB for right now for Newton.

I did not think Newton would have an easy transition to the NFL, but he’s made playing quarterback look as easy as A-B-C, 1-2-3. What he has not found so easy to do yet is win, but that will come. He needs more experience and a better team around him, but the Panthers are a team on the rise that no one will want to face in the second half of the season.

24. Tennessee Titans (4-3) – “Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I’m Yours” by Stevie Wonder

In case you were wondering, no, I’m not sold on the Titans.

A win over the Colts does not impress me, nor did the Titans’ previous two non-competitive games against Pittsburgh and Houston. This team was looking good when Kenny Britt was around and emerging as a top receiver, but they seem lost without him.

But hey, at least Chris Johnson is signed, sealed, delivered, and yours, right Tennessee? Or not…

25. Cleveland Browns (3-4) – “Money (That’s What I Want)” by Barrett Strong

In case you hadn’t heard, money is what Peyton Hillis wants. He is not, however, willing to play through strep throat or maintain community commitments in his quest to leverage one partial good season into, apparently, $10 million per yer.

I probably shouldn’t be so hard on the guy. If I were a running back for the Browns, against whom defenses can load up eight men in the box on every play, I might not be so motivated to play either.

26. Washington Redskins (3-4) – “Mercy, Mercy Me” by Marvin Gaye

When your only quarterback choices are Rex Grossman or John Beck, how can Redskins fans or even Mike Shanahan himself say anything other than mercy, mercy me?

The Redskins got off to a fast start this season, but things ain’t what they used to be. With such putrid play under center and so many injuries on offense, a turnaround doesn’t appear to be coming. Redskins fans will just have to keep wondering where did all the blue skies go?

27. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-6) – “Shop Around” by Smokey Robinson and The Miracles

So the Jaguars beat a disinterested Baltimore team in a defensive slopfest a few weeks back. So what?

This team is still going nowhere fast, and even the one positive Jags fans might have been able to take from this season – that the team had finally found a franchise QB – doesn’t seem to be coming to fruition. Based on what I’ve seen from Blaine Gabbert so far this year, I’d say to the Jags that they’d better shop around.

28. Seattle Seahawks (2-5) – “I Want You Back” by The Jackson 5

In Pete Carroll’s first season, the Seahawks made an improbable run to the second round of the NFC Playoffs thanks to playing the in the terrible NFC West. No one in the NFC West seemingly did much to improve themselves in the offseason (who saw the 49ers run coming?), so what does Seattle do to keep the forward momentum going? They get rid of Matt Hasselbeck to turn their most important position on the field over to Charvaris Jackhurst.

Think they might want Hasselbeck and his 89.2 QB rating back now?

29. Arizona Cardinals (1-6) – “What Becomes Of The Brokenhearted” by Jimmy Ruffin

In Super Bowl 43, the Arizona Cardinals indeed became the brokenhearted when Ben Roethlisberger’s pass connected with Santonio Holmes in the corner of the end zone. So what becomes of the brokenhearted in football, who had a good QB who’s now departed? Everything goes to hell and a handbasket, apparently.

After your borderline Hall of Fame quarterback retires and you suffer through an awful season with basically no QB, you know you’ve got to find some kind of peace of mind for your All-World wide receiver. So you overpay for a guy who hasn’t proven he can be a competent starter, he doesn’t get any better, and all the while your defense gets worse and worse.

So, again, what becomes of the brokenhearted? In the case of Cardinals fans, you just go back to how things were before.

30. Denver Broncos (2-5) – “Dancing In The Streets” by Martha and the Vandellas

No matter what happens at the end of the Tim Tebow experience, they’ll be dancing in Dennnnnnver…and there will still surely be opinions everywhere.

Either fans of Tim Tebow will be dancing because he’s proven his worth as a starting QB in the NFL, or the Johns Fox and Elway will be dancing because they can jettison Tebow and get a QB who fits their ideal.

But either way, dancing.

31. Miami Dolphins (0-7) – “Stop! In The Name Of Luck!” by The Supremes

Do you see what I did with the title there?

This is what every Dolphins fan is imploring their team to do every time they have a promising drive or a second half lead. So far, the Dolphins have proven to be epic failures in the 4th quarters of games, which may just be the best thing for the franchise’s future.

Though the players and coaches don’t want to hear it, nor should they, Dolfans and owner Stephen Ross would like the team to stop coming so damn close to winning, and they certainly would like the Colts to stop losing…all in the name of Luck.

32. Indianapolis Colts (0-8) – “Where Did Our Love Go?” by The Supremes

Yep, two straight songs by The Supremes to end it. And why not? At this point I’m not convinced that on the football field Diana Ross and The Supremes would do any worse that Curtis Painter and The Colts or Matt Moore and the Dolphins.

So many lyrics snippets from this song could very well be things that Colts players have uttered verbatim during one of their eight horrific losses this season, with the their plaintive utterances directed at either Peyton Manning or their fans, who abandon them more and more with each demoralizing loss.

Baby, baby
Baby don’t leave me
Ooh, please don’t leave me
All by myself

…

Now that I surrender
So helplessly

…

Where did our love go
And all your promisses
Of a love forever more

You get the idea.

But if all Colts fans have to endure in between decades of success with franchise QBs is one terrible season, I and many others will resent them more than we already do.

###

There are my rankings, and each team’s corresponding Motown classic.

As always, I encourage your agreement, disagreement, and constructive criticisms below, both for the rankings and the song choices.

And now, because it’s one of my all-time favorite Motown songs but I couldn’t find a great team to assign it too, I’ll send you off into the comment section with one more classic tune from the great Marvin Gaye.

This is a question I’ve been thinking about a lot over the past several weeks, as I continue to be more and more impressed (and surprised) by how well Cam Newton is transitioning to the NFL in his first season.

Cam Newton’s Impressive Start

Frankly, I did not think that Newton was going to become a good NFL quarterback. I certainly did not think it would happen this quickly. But this is why I blog about the NFL in my underpants while typing with Cheetos-stained fingers and other people get paid to scout and draft players*.

* – Of course, plenty of people who do not blog about the NFL in their underpants with Cheetos-stained fingers, and who get paid to scout players, agreed with my assessment about Newton. This just goes to show how inexact a science scouting quarterbacks can be. Except for this guy.

As good as he’s been,nobody is ready to put Cam Newton into Canton yet. It takes more than 8 statistically strong games to classify someone as an elite QB, especially when six of those games have resulted in losses.

In fact, we’re going to learn a lot about Newton over these final 8 weeks while the Panthers essentially “play out the string” and Newton is forced to endure the first losing season of his football career. Leading your team in spite of adversity is one of the most important attributes for a successful NFL QB. We’ll see if Newton has that ability. So far he’s given us no reason to doubt him.

Certainly there is no reason to doubt Newton’s physical skills. He is passing for nearly 300 yards per game (299.1), completing 60.6% of his passes, and has thrown 11 touchdown passes against 9 interceptions. Those are solid numbers for any quarterback, let alone a rookie, and they are made even more impressive when his superlative running stats added to the discussion: 5.1 yards per carry and 7 rushing touchdowns.

And the numbers don’t tell the whole story.

Whereas Tim Tebow’s numbers are not nearly as poor as you might think, and in fact compare favorably to several Hall of Famers’ stats through five starts, Tebow hasn’t looked at all like an NFL QB. Cam Newton, on the other hand, has. He’s played with poise throughout games, including late, and he’s shown that he can make all the throws. He also has shown the ability to hit guys for big plays down the field when they are a open, which is an absolute requisite skill for a quarterback in the NFL. When a QB has a chance to make a big play, it must be made more often than not; simple as that.

Newton has been far from perfect, and he has plenty of growing to do, but I don’t think anyone is anything but highly impressed with his first eight games as an NFL quarterback. Many may not have been as low on Newton as I was before the season, but I doubt anyone other than Cam himself expected this kind of success out of the gate.

And all of this leads me back to my original question: how many NFL teams would trade their QB right now for Cam Newton?

Hypothetically Speaking…

For our purposes, assume that everything is how it is (team records, contracts, rosters, coaches, etc) and that every NFL team is given the option of swapping its current QB right now for Newton. I admit that is 100% ridiculous because Carolina wouldn’t trade Cam Newton for anyone (except maybe Aaron Rodgers…), but humor me for the sake of discussion. The result of this hypothetical transaction would be Newton quarterbacking the team for the rest of this season, in place of their current QB, and then being their QB through the rest of his rookie contract.

There are a number of easy answers on both sides, teams that wouldn’t even think twice about saying yes or no:

• Automatic No: New England, Pittsburgh, Green Bay, New Orleans, New York Giants
• Automatic Yes: Miami, Cleveland, Tennessee, Jacksonville, Oakland, Kansas City, Denver, Washington, Seattle

I shouldn’t have to defend any of the automatic “no” choices. Each team has a Super Bowl-winning QB, and each team feels it is a contender this season. As tantalized as they may be by Newton, none of these teams would trade their guy for him. (And anyone who doesn’t think Eli deserves this kind of respect is, in my opinion, crazy.)

As for the automatic yeses, I can maybe-possibly see some saying that Tennessee and Jacksonville have “QBs of the future” in Jake Locker and Blaine Gabbert, but both teams would have rather had Newton in the draft and surely would rather have him now. These and the others are absolute no-brainers to me.

Now let’s go one-by-one through the remaining teams and figure out a) if they would trade their current QB for Cam Newton, and b) if they should trade their current QB for Cam Newton, because I bet the answers won’t often be the same. Of course these are all just my opinions based on how I see each team’s situation.

As always, I encourage disagreement, discussion, and even constructive criticism. That’s what comment sections are for. And there is a poll at the end of this post so we can crowdsource some kind of consensus for the non-obvious teams.

Here goes…

Buffalo Bills – Ryan Fitzpatrick (current record: 5-2)

The Bills just locked Fitzpatrick up to a long-term contract that will pay him $24 million and keep him as the signal caller in Buffalo for at least the next 2-3 years. Considering the deal Arizona signed Kevin Kolb to in the offseason, Fitzpatrick certainly deserves this contract. He has passed for 1,739 yards this year and twice as many touchdowns as interceptions, and he’s led Buffalo to first place in the AFC East. There is perhaps concern that Fitzpatrick is playing over his head, as his current completion rate is 8 points higher than his career average, and his QB rating is 20 points higher than his career average, but Fitzpatrick also could just be showing the normal progression that a good young NFL quarterback will make.

Personally, I’m not sold on Fitzpatrick as a top-tier option for the future who can compete against the likes of Brady, Roethlisberger, and Peyton Manning If He Plays Again (his new name). Fitzpatrick is a solid guy who can transition you from one franchise QB to the next, but I don’t think he is the type of QB who will make you a winner year in, year out. Cam Newton may be. But with the Bills sitting in first place in the AFC East, and the good feelings of the contract still fresh, I don’t think they’d make the move even though I would.

• Would they? No
• Should they? Yes

New York Jets – Mark Sanchez (4-3)

This is one of the more intriguing ones.

Even though Mark Sanchez has really done nothing to show that he can or will become a top-tier NFL quarterback (54.7% completions, 41 TD:39 INT for career), he has ridden the coattails of a great defense and an above-average running game to two straight AFC title games. His coach continues to profess confidence in him, and I think would rather win with “his guy” Sanchez, or die trying, than admit he was wrong and bring in another QB…at least right now.

Simply put: I think most objective people would make this trade in a heartbeat, and maybe the Jets front office would force it to happen; but I think Rex Ryan is so dug in with Sanchez that he’d do everything to veto it and give Sanchez another chance to finish the job this year. (I’ll be curious to hear from Jets fans on this one…)

• Would they? No
  
• Should they? Yes

Cincinnati Bengals – Andy Dalton (5-2)

Here is another one where short-term success might lead to myopic thinking.

The Bengals are, shockingly, sitting at 5-2 with their red-haired rookie QB and glue-handed rookie WR leading the offense. The Bengals’ defense has been great so far this season, but Dalton has been far from just a caretaker. He’s thrown 9 TDs and is completing 62.4% of his passes. Dalton’s sprint out of the gate has been nothing short of shocking.

But here is where I throw a little cold water on the fire: Cincinnati has beaten Cleveland, Buffalo, Jacksonville, Indianapolis, and Seattle. Buffalo is good, the other four teams are not. So do we really know how good Dalton is? I don’t think so. In his one start against a god defense this year, Week 3 versus San Francisco, he was putrid. We’ll know a lot more about Dalton after his four games against Baltimore and Pittsburgh.

Like many teams, Cincy would have jumped at the chance to draft Cam Newton, but their first place positioning in the AFC North, and the fans’ growing attachment to Dalton, plus their history of personnel ineptitude, lead me to believe that the Bengals would forgo the chance to get Newton to hang onto Dalton. It would be a mistake.

• Would they? No
  
• Should they? Yes

As you can see, I have little faith in Ryan Fitzpatrick, Mark Sanchez, or Andy Dalton, at least in relation to Cam Newton; but I also have little faith that any of their teams would trade them for Newton.

This next one though might be the most intriguing of all.

Baltimore Ravens – Joe Flacco (5-2)

Ever since Joe Flacco has taken over as QB in Baltimore, the Ravens’ offense has been as up-and-down as any offense in the NFL. Flacco has seven games in which he has tossed three or more touchdowns. He also 24 games in which he’s thrown zero touchdowns, including four playoff games (though he often gets credited with being a “winning” playoff QB). All the while, Baltimore has had a good-to-great defense and a solid running game.

Now in his fourth year, and with just one TD pass in his last four games, can the Ravens and team leaders like Ray Lewis and Terrell Suggs really still have that much confidence in Flacco? I know they call him “Joe Cool” because he never seems rattled, but that’s mostly because he barely looks like he has a pulse at times. Cam Newton also never gets rattled, but he plays with an energy and smile that are both infectious. Yes, I’m one of those who believes that how you “look” and what your body language says means something when you’re the QB. Whatever Flacco may have over Newton in experience is negated by his comatose on-field appearance.

All of this is to say that I would, in a heartbeat, trade Flacco for Newton if I was the Ravens. After the last four games, and with Lewis especially running out of time, I think the Ravens would too.

• Would they? Yes
  
• Should they? Yes

Indianapolis Colts – Peyton Manning (0-8)

Of course the Colts would trade Curtis Painter straight up for Cam Newton. Duh. But what’s the fun in that? The real juicy question would be, right this very moment, would the Colts trade Peyton Manning If He Plays Again for Newton? And the answer is that none of us have enough information to answer. It would all come down to Manning’s health.

If there is even an iota of a chance that he can come back and play at 80-85% of his previous effectiveness, Indy would hold onto Peyton. But if they doubt he ever plays again, even if he wants to and is working like the dickens to get back, wouldn’t Indy have to trade for Cam as opposed to waiting around to see if they suck enough for Luck?

Ultimately, I think the uncertainty would tip the scales in favor of keeping Manning, and that’s the right call. It feels like there is something unfinished about Manning’s tenure in Indianapolis, and though I logically know that neck injuries can end careers, I’d still be shocked if Manning never suits up for Indy again. So I can’t see Indy pulling the trigger on this move. And with the team possibly positioning itself to draft Andrew Luck anyway, there would be no reason to trade Manning before they know as much as possible about his potential comeback.

I anticipate a lot of debate and perhaps disagreement about this one. In fact, I’m already starting to disagree with myself. I better just move along.

• Would they? No
• Should they? No

Houston Texans – Matt Schaub (5-3)

I don’t think for a second that Houston would even entertain this thought, not with Schaub and Kubiak finally on the cusp of making it to the playoffs. As good/bland as Schaub may be, good/bland isn’t necessarily an awful thing for a QB to be on a team that has a great running game, an elite WR, and a strong defense. This is the first time Houston has had all three working in the same season, and Schaub is the right guy to lead them. I wouldn’t mess with what they have going right now, not with the AFC South up for grabs this year and into the future, and I don’t think they would either.

• Would they? No
  
• Should they? No

San Diego Chargers – Philip Rivers (4-2)

Coming into this season it would have seemed laughable for Philip Rivers to be on this list, and perhaps it still is, but Rivers has thrown 7 TDs against 9 INTs this year, and it’s not like he has a Super Bowl title or many playoff skins on the wall to grant him immunity from at least entering this discussion.

Still, I doubt there is a chance the Chargers would seriously consider it. Rivers has a strong regular season track record over multiple seasons, and he has undoubtedly been hurt by Antonio Gates’ absence early this season. Just like I don’t think teams should overreact to a fast early season start and overrate their players (as may be the case right now in Buffalo and Cincy), I don’t think teams should underrate their players because of a slow start.

The irony of ironies, of course, is that the slow-starting Chargers are off to a fast 4-2 start during the season when their QB has more or less stunk. Go figure.

• Would they? No
  
• Should they? No

Philadelphia Eagles – Michael Vick (3-4)

Another one that is fascinating to think about. The Eagles went all-in on this season and are just now starting to dig themselves out of their early season hole. As tempting as it might be to get Newton, who is similar to Vick but with 6-7 years less mileage, I can’t see Andy Reid doing it. Vick is the better choice for this season and the Eagles are in it to win it in 2011.

That said, I think Newton is showing the ability to do a lot of the things Vick couldn’t or wouldn’t do early in his career. I’d love to see what Reid could do with a guy like Newton, who is not quite the runner Vick is but who is light years ahead of where Vick was as a passer in his rookie season. Just because the Eagles picked this year as the year to go for it all doesn’t mean they should necessarily mortgage a chance to improve themselves for the long term. And is Vick really playing so well that Newton couldn’t come close to replicating him, thus keeping the Eagles in contention this year? I don’t think so.

• Would they? No
  
• Should they? Yes
  

Dallas Cowboys – Tony Romo (3-4)

Whatever my answer is here it is sure to stir up some controversy, just because that’s how any discussions about Tony Romo are sure to go.

I’ve always been a Romo supporter, thinking that his critics didn’t give him enough credit for being one of the top 10 QBs in the league. While I still think Romo is an above average QB, I’m not as sold on him anymore as a potential champion. Sure, with the right supporting cast he could win a Super Bowl – hell, Trent Dilfer won a Super Bowl – but I’m no longer sure that Romo can lead a franchise to a Super Bowl, and there is a big difference.

I don’t know if Cam Newton can lead a team to a Super Bowl either. It’s way to early to even consider such questions. But we did just see him lead his college team to a championship in the toughest conference in all of college football, all while rumors and innuendo and investigations were swirling around him constantly. Newton’s got it, whatever it is, and Tony Romo hasn’t proven that he does. So wouldn’t it be worth taking a chance on Newton if you’re convinced Romo probably can’t be the guy to lead a champion?

The answer to this one comes down to your belief in Romo. I no longer believe. Give me Cam. Unfortunately for Cowboys fans, Jerry Jones probably still believes in Romo. At the least, he believes in his own ego and won’t want to admit Romo can’t get it done. Hell, he wouldn’t even trade Martellus Bennett to Cincinnati for a second round pick. Why would he trade Romo for Newton?

• Would they? No
  
• Should they? Yes
  

Detroit Lions – Matthew Stafford (6-2)

I considered putting the Lions in the automatic no category, but Mr. Glass didn’t deserve to be considered on par with Brady, Ben, Aaron Rogers, and Drew Brees. He hasn’t played a full season yet, and he hasn’t been so transcendent when he has played that Detroit wouldn’t at least consider the move.

I don’t think they’d do it though. Even with Stafford making way more money than Cam, he is the guy they have built around, and I don’t think the Lions would shake up the franchise that drastically when it is finally experiencing a true ascension.

As for me, I’d do it. Cam is showing that he knows how to utilize a top-fight receiver, and he he does not carry the same injury-prone reputation of Stafford. Add in the cost savings of Newton’s contract over Stafford’s, and I’d much rather have the rookie over the third year guy, even for the rest of the this year and certainly beyond.

• Would they? No
  
• Should they? Yes
  

Chicago Bears – Jay Cutler (4-3)

See the entry above about Joe Flacco, replace his name with “Jay Cutler” and replace “Ray Lewis” with “Brian Urlacher”. There is no reason for me to repeat myself.

• Would they? Yes
  
• Should they? Yes

Minnesota Vikings – Christian Ponder (2-6)

Ponder and the Vikings beat Newton and the Panthers this past weekend, with Ponder having his second straight impressive start. And while Vikings fans are slowly talking themselves into the Ponder Era, the reality is that the Vikings would have traded St. Paul to draft Newton last year, and as polished as Ponder seems to be both on and off the field, he doesn’t have 1/10th the physical potential of Newton. Minnesota probably should have been an automatic.

• Would they? Yes
  
• Should they? Yes
  

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Josh Freeman (4-3)

Freeman was the up-and-coming superstar young quarterback coming into this season, but he has fallen back down to earth a bit through the first half of the year. His interceptions are way up, and he just doesn’t seem as comfortable or confident as he was last year, when he and rookie Mike Williams were as explosive as just about any QB-WR combo in the league.

Still, despite his struggles, I think Tampa Bay is committed to Freeman as the future of its franchise, and I know that Raheem Morris (who coached Freeman in college) believes in his young QB. Freeman is another guy who surprised me by having a smoother transition to the NFL than I thought he would. He has all of the physical tools to bust out of his current slump and still become a top-10 QB. I’d hold tight, and I think Tampa Bay would too.

• Would they? No
  
• Should they? No
  

Atlanta Falcons – Matt Ryan (4-3)

Like the Lions with Stafford, I don’t think Atlanta would consider making this move for more than a few seconds, but Ryan is not quite the slam dunk franchise QB that some make him out to be. He has not risen to the occasion in the Falcons’ biggest games, and he does not possess the accuracy that the top flight quarterbacks all have. He does “look” the part, he’s tough, and he’s a strong leader, which is why Atlanta is surely satisfied with Ryan and not looking to move on, nor should they be. As many questions as I have about Ryan, he’s shown enough to make me think that, unlike Romo, he could lead a franchise to a Super Bowl. With the investment Atlanta has already made in him, they’d hold tight, and I agree.

• Would they? No
  
• Should they? No
  

San Francisco 49ers – Alex Smith (6-1)

Another very, very intriguing one simply because of how this season has started. This one falls right in line with the Bills and Bengals, two teams doing far better than anyone expected thanks to solid play from their QB. Smith has not been asked to win games for the 49ers this year, he’s just been asked not to lose them with a great defense and solid running game by his side. And he hasn’t.

Still, this is Alex Smith. He has not done anything spectacular this year that Cam Newton couldn’t have done, even as a rookie. The issue would be whether Newton would have made mistakes that Smith wouldn’t have made to sabotage the 49ers in a game or two. That I don’t know. But I do know that, again, this is Alex Smith. As solid as he’s been, and as much of an impact as Jim Harbaugh has made on him, the difference in talent and swagger between he and Newton is obvious.

To me, the 6-1 record of the 49ers, and their incredible four game lead this early in this season, would make the team more likely to do such a deal. They’d have some cushion if Newton struggled to adapt to his new surroundings; though one thing we have learned about Newton is that he rarely if ever struggles to adapt. It may be his greatest strength of all.

• Would they? Yes (Well…maybe…probably)
  
• Should they? Yes
  

St. Louis Rams – Sam Bradford (1-6)

Following right along with my thoughts on Stafford and Ryan, I don’t think there is much of a chance that St. Louis would pull the plug on the Bradford Era already, especially considering Bradford was the NFL’s Rookie of the Year last year and just needs protection and a few good targets to showcase his pinpoint accuracy. But like Stafford and Ryan, Bradford hasn’t earned Automatic No status. So the Rams might think about it, especially considering the money, but I think they’d stick with Bradford, and I wouldn’t blame them. I still think he’s going to be a star.

• Would they? No
  
• Should they? No
  

Arizona Cardinals – Kevin Kolb (1-6)

I thought long and hard about putting Arizona in Automatic Yes territory, but would they really cut the cord on Kolb so soon after giving him a long-term deal? Of course they should, but we know how egos sometimes get in the way of sound decision making, so I just wonder if they would.

Ultimately, I think so. Larry Fitzgerald has to be watching Cam Newton resuscitate Steve Smith’s career and get horribly jealous. That’s what Kolb was supposed to do for Fitzy, but obviously he hasn’t come close. Not that Arizona should be surprised by this mind you, because Kolb is basically just doing exactly what he did in Philadelphia. What, should he have turned down the money?

I don’t think it would take Arizona very long to say yes here.

• Would they? Yes
  
• Should they? Yes

###

So, how many teams would trade their current QB for Cam Newton right now?

Okay, let’s tally up the “would they” column, as decided by me:

• No: Buffalo, New York Jets, Cincinnati, Indianapolis, Houston, San Diego, Philadelphia, Dallas, Detroit, Tampa Bay, Atlanta, St. Louis
• Yes: Baltimore, Chicago, Minnesota, San Francisco, Arizona

Combined with the automatics from up above, that means I think 14 teams would trade their current starting quarterback straight up for Cam Newton. That seems very low to me; and of course it would seem low to me because I personally project a lot of disconnect between what teams should do and what they would do were this a real rather than hypothetical situation.

If I tally it up in terms of my “should they” answers, it would look much different:

• No: Indianapolis, Houston, San Diego, Tampa Bay, Atlanta, St. Louis
• Yes: Buffalo, New York Jets, Baltimore, Cincinnati, Philadelphia, Dallas, Chicago, Detroit, Minnesota, San Francisco, Arizona

Based on what I would do in each team’s case, I think 20 teams’ QB situations would be improved immediately with Cam Newton. Maybe for a few there would be a short-term step back, but it would be worth it for the projected long-term steps forward.

But what I am really interested in here is your opinion.

Below is a poll that lists all of the teams I think are not obvious. Vote for all of the ones who you think should (not necessarily would) trade their current QB straight up for Cam Newton in our hypothetical fantasy. Then take to the comment section to state your peace or to agree/disagree with any of my assessments.

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

I invite your thoughts below.

Before we count down the NFL’s suckiest, let’s get our weekly reminder of what the contestants are playing for.

Before this past Saturday, we already knew that Andrew Luck can throw, that he can run, that he can tackle, that he can catch, and that he can design tall buildings (while probably being able to leap over them too), but now we also know that he can respond to adversity and be clutch when he needs to be.

It's a bird. It's a plane. It's Superluck! (Photo credit: AP/Jae C. Hong via ESPN.com)

The undefeated and highly ranked Stanford Cardinal faced their first real test of the season on Saturday against Matt Barkley, Layla Kiffin, and the USC Trojans. Luck and the Cardinal were able to overcome a late interception by The Chosen One to force overtime, where they ultimately won 56-48 after three extra frames.

Luck’s numbers were predictably sterling. He was 29-40 for 330 yards, 3 TDs, and that one interception. Yet, because Andrew Luck excretes lilies and daffodils and toots potpourri, even that pick is being turned into a positive. It’s almost as if Luck threw the pick-6 (which put USC up 7 with three minutes play) just to challenge himself and show us all that not only can he dominate people but he can vanquish adversity too.

Either way, everyone who was bowing at the alter of Luck before Saturday (which is everyone) is doing so with even more vigor now.

The question is, after another Sunday of NFL action, which “professional” football teams are putting themselves in the best position to draft Luck and guarantee themselves at least 8 out of the next 10 Super Bowls?

As we do every week, we’ll break it down for you right here in the Suck 4 Luck Power Rankings.

 NFL “Suck 4 Luck” Power Rankings for Week 9

1. Miami Dolphins (0-7)

The Dolphins did it again. They played a halfway decent game, were competitive against a good team, and still found a way to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

Quarterback Matt Mooreino turned in the best passing day by a Dolphins QB since Week 1: 13-22, 138 yards, 0 TDs, and a 1 INT. He also ran the ball five times for 31 yards, equaling the career rushing output of Dan Marino. The ‘Fins even got 120 total yards from Reggie Bush (including 103 on the ground!) as the full-time Pizza Hut pitchman and part-time running back used rumors of a Kim Kardashian-Kris Humphries break up to motivate himself into the best game he’s played since stonewalling NCAA investigators.

But, as usual for these Dolphins, it was all for naught. The Giants won 20-17, outscoring Miami 10-0 in the decisive 4th quarter, dropping the Dolphins to 0-7.

I continue to keep Miami in the top spot because of the fact that luck seems to be so much on their side in their quest for the #1 pick. They continue to be in ball games yet somehow lose/win. It’s very curious. It’s almost as if they are a team of destiny. Much like the St. Louis Cardinals just couldn’t seem to lose after late August, the Dolphins cannot seem to “lose” either.

2. Indianapolis Colts (0-8)

I suppose the Colts really could be considered 1a. In fact, objectively, they probably should be #1 were it not for my own wishful thinking. Indianapolis already has one more loss than the Dolphins, plus they are by far a worse team. Indy’s point differential is -131, and they are the only team other than St. Louis to have a differential of 100 or more. Miami’s is just -59.

On the bright side for the Colts, they may finally have found the heir apparent to Marshall Faulk and Edgerrin James. Curtis “Thor” Painter rumbled for an 11.3 yard per carry average on seven rushing attempts against Tennessee on Sunday. So if they do end up with Andrew Luck, it will surely help the rookie’s transition to have Painter behind him ready to ground and pound.

Also in the Colts’ favor is the continued presence of Jim Caldwell. Maybe it’s time we stop criticizing Tony Dungy for hand-picking a cardboard cutout of himself to be the Colts coach. Dungy knew in 2009 when he tabbed Caldwell to be the coach that the Manning Era would have to end at some point. That clearly has to be why he nominated Caldwell and his 26-63 career head coaching record (all compiled at Wake Forest) to be the man. Now three years later, everything Dungy did to build the Colts up has come crashing down. Oh sure, blame it all on Peyton’s injury. But as I presciently did last season, I blame Caldwell.

Clearly these are the two favorites to suck enough for Luck. As we did last week, I’ll put it to a vote and let you decide who has the leg up.

Last week, the Dolphins narrowly edged the Colts 49%-47% in the voting, with St. Louis siphoning off the other 4%. Now that the Rams have eliminated themselves by trading for a #1 WR and stomping the Saints, who is #1?

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

3. Denver Broncos (2-5)

Tim Tebow is struggling so mightily, with a gameplan so clearly not tailored to his strengths, that national writers are penning articles like this one, accusing John Fox of sabotaging his QB. What else really needs to be said about the situation in Denver right now?

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: John Elway would loooooove to get his hands on Andrew Luck. Not only is Luck perhaps the greatest college QB prospect since Elway himself, he’s a fellow Stanford Cardinal who has all the skills to excel in a pro style offense. Though I doubt he’s a Satan worshiper, and he may well win a Heisman and perhaps a national title, Luck is otherwise the exact opposite of Tebow. And as much as I like Tebow and want to him succeed, it’s not going to happen in Denver. That’s obvious.

However, whether the Broncos stick with Tebow, or let Brady Quinn prance around and overthrow open receivers, or turn back to Kyle Orton, they are not going to be winning many games. They may have already won too many to have a prayer of competing with the Dolphins and Colts, but damn it if they won’t try from here on out.

4. Arizona Cardinals (1-6)

The Cardinals are now tied with the surging Rams for last place in the NFC West, a full five games behind the 49ers with not even half the season over. That is remarkable. What is also remarkable is how much Kevin Kolb continues to suck and how badly Arizona defends the pass. If either were not true, they would have been able to beat the Ravens on Sunday.

Alas, it keeps getting worse for the Cardinals, now losers of six straight, with little reason for hope on the horizon.

5. Washington Redskins (3-4)

Yep, I’m putting Washington above a handful teams with 1 and 2 losses. Why? Because John Beck and Rex Grossman, that’s why.

Washington tricked everyone into thinking that they were a different team this year when they started 3-1. Nope. They’re the same crappy team with the same crappy QB play and same creepy-looking coach.

Image source: UnathleticMag

Remember, I’m trying to project forward here, and after getting shutout by the Bills, and with so many injuries stacking up, and with one of the few owners who might actually be clueless enough to order a “Suck 4 Luck” strategy, the Redskins have plenty of time and potential to make up their loss deficit before the season ends.

6. Seattle Seahawks (2-5)

It’s good to be the San Francisco 49ers. Half of their division is in the top 6 in the Suck 4 Luck Power Rankings, and the team not yet listed is already buried five games below in the standings.

As for Seattle, they just let Cincinnati completely obliterate the supposed Qwest Field advantage. A rookie QB and a rookie WR, playing without their workhorse running back, strode into Seattle, kicked the Seahawks asses all over the field, and left the Seahawks with a 2-5 record and one of the league’s worst point differentials.

But hey, on the bright side, even though the Seahawks have probably won too much to get Luck, they might be in a good position to grab Matt Barkley. In all seriousness, he won’t be a bad consolation prize for whoever doesn’t quite suck enough.

7. Cleveland Browns (3-4)

Yep, another 3-4 team gets listed before a bunch of teams with fewer wins. But forgive me for not being impressed by victories over the Colts, Dolphins, and Seahawks. Yes, those are the three teams Cleveland has beaten, so you tell me why they should be ranked ahead of a team like St. Louis, which can beat New Orleans, or Carolina, which actually has an offense that can score points.

Cleveland is almost completely devoid of difference-makers on the offensive side of the ball. San Francisco exposed that again yesterday. And with the schedule about to get much, much tougher (at Houston, @ Cincinnati, two games v Baltimore and Pittsburgh), I’m having a hard time seeing where the wins are going to come from outside of games against St. Louis, Arizona, and Jacksonville.

8. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-6)

Speaking of Jacksonville, the Jaguars come in at #8 this week. Admittedly, you could make a case for the Jags to be as high as 5th on this list, but I guess I feel bad for assuming they’d lose last Monday night. Plus, the Jags still have two games left against Indianapolis and one against Cleveland, which should guarantee them at least two more wins.

9. St. Louis Rams (1-6)

I have been very hesitant to bury this team because of my belief in Sam Bradford and my thinking that by the time Bradford and Josh McDaniels get on the same page the Rams’ schedule will ease up and give them the opportunity to get some wins. I didn’t expect a victory over New Orleans, but this does show what the Rams are capable of doing.

With Brandon Lloyd now giving whoever plays QB a legitimate #1 option, and Steven Jackson playing like a man possessed, it would not surprise me at all to see the Rams parlay future games against Arizona, Cleveland, Seattle, Arizona again, and Seattle again into at least 3-4 more victories. If they can steal one against San Francisco in Week 17 (with the 49ers likely to have a playoff spot locked up), this could be a 6 or 7 win team by the time it’s all said and done.

10. Dallas Cowboys (3-4)

I could have, and perhaps should have, chosen the Panthers or Vikings for this spot. But based on what I saw yesterday, the Panthers and the Vikings would both have demolished Dallas. Did the Cowboys even show up in Philadelphia Sunday night? It sure didn’t look like it. And though it’s easy to say that Dallas could be 5-2 or 6-1 right now, they could also be 1-6 or 2-5 if the balls didn’t bounce their way against San Francisco and Washington.

Seriously, the Dallas Cowboys football team is a football team that needs to play football much better than they have been playing football in football games during this football season football football football.

Image source: Popfi.com

No really. It’s time for Tony Romo, Rob Ryan, and the Cowboys to put up or shut up, but they’ll probably just keep playing like the middle-of-the-pack team that they are and finish 8-8. Either way, it’s now legitimate to start wondering if the Panthers and Vikings are more settled at QB than the Cowboys. I’ve long been a Tony Romo supporter, but even I’m starting to lose the faith that he’ll ever become anything more than what he is: good, but nowhere near great.

Honorable mention: Carolina (2-6), Minnesota (2-6), Kansas City Chiefs (3-3), New Orleans (5-3)…just for this week.

**********

Okay folks, now it’s your chance to agree with me, ream me, or just tell me how ridiculous of a post idea this is and how it sullies the integrity of the game. All’s fair in love and comment sections. Have at it.

Aaron Rodgers put together another near-perfect performance for the undefeated Packers.

Cowboys rookie DeMarco Murray ran for 253 yards in relief of injured starter Felix Jones (and fumble-prone backup Tashard Choice), breaking a single-game franchise record set by Emmitt Smith in 1993.

Cam Newton continued his impressive freshman campaign, going 18-23 for 256 yards, rushing for another 59 yards, and scoring one touchdown through the air and one on the ground.

And Tim Tebow raised as many questions as he answered Sunday, struggling for much of the Broncos’ overtime win over the Dolphins before scoring 2 touchdowns and a 2-point conversion in the final 3 minutes of regulation.

These are the players whose names you read in headlines and whose highlights you saw on SportsCenter. But football is an 11-on-11 game, and most of this weekend’s winners wouldn’t have been successful without the contributions of several players who didn’t hear their names mentioned in the post-game press conference.

Here are just a few of the unsung heroes from Week 7 in the NFL:

James Anderson, Carolina Panthers linebacker

Cam Newton continued his campaign for Offensive Rookie of the Year Sunday by leading the Panthers to a 33-20 win over Washington. Steve Smith returned to 2008 form, catching 7 balls for 143 yards. But the Panthers’ offensive stars got plenty of help from players on the other side of the ball, particularly lineback James Anderson.

Anderson led Carolina in tackles with 12, including 10 solo tackles and 2 tackles for a loss, one of which was a sack of Washington QB John Beck. Anderson also recovered a fumble late in the second quarter, setting up a 45-yard field goal that gave the Panthers a 9-6 lead going into halftime.

Houston Texans offensive line

Last week the Baltimore Ravens defense sacked Texas quarterback Matt Schaub four times; two weeks ago, the Raiders sacked him thrice. Sunday, thanks to Texans tackles Duane Brown and Eric Winston and guards Wade Smith and Mike Brisiel, the Titans defenders never touched him.

The Texans went to Nashville on Sunday a half-game behind Tennessee in the AFC South. They left Tennessee with a 41-7 win and a half-game lead. In addition to protecting Schaub, the Texans’ O-line did a nice job opening lanes for Houston’s backfield tandem of Arian Foster and Ben Tate. Foster rushed for 115 yards on Sunday, Tate for 104.

If you have Arian Foster on your fantasy team, send thank you notes to the Texans offensive line. (Wade Payne/Associated Press)

Phil Dawson, Cleveland Browns placekicker

It may be a stretch to call anyone involved in Sunday’s 6–3 snoozer between Cleveland and Seattle a “hero,” unsung or otherwise. But Browns kicker Phil Dawson did everything that was asked of him and accounted for all 6 of Cleveland’s points.

The Browns’ offense didn’t make Dawson’s job easy. His first field goal attempt was from 52 yards out; the second was a 53-yarder. Dawson hit them both. Dawson also did a nice job with kick-offs. The Seahawks didn’t return any of Dawson’s kicks beyond their own 21 yard line.

Oh, and Dawson played most of the game with a bruised thigh.

Josh Scobee, Jacksonville Jaguars placekicker
Derek Cox, Jacksonville Jaguars cornerback

On Sunday the Browns’ Phil Dawson made 2 50-yard field goals. Monday night, the Jaguars’ Josh Scobee made 3, tying an NFL record. Scobee hit from 54, 54, 22, and 51 yards to score all 12 of Jacksonville’s points in Monday’s win over the Ravens.

While the Jaguars offense spent the game counting by 3s, the defense held the Ravens scoreless for nearly 58 minutes. Cornerback Derek Cox was particularly effective in containing Baltimore receivers Anquan Boldin and Torrey Smith. Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco struggled to hit Boldin and Smith down field and threw for a pedestrian 137 yards on 38 attempts.

There are kickers. And then there's Josh Scobee. (Kim Klement/US Presswire)

James Starks, Green Bay Packers running back

Even casual football fans know Aaron Rodgers, Clay Matthews, and Greg Jennings, the stars of the reigning Super Bowl-champion Green Bay Packers. But not everyone knows the Packers’ leading rusher, James Starks, who made only three appearances last season.

Starks’ numbers in Sunday’s game against Minnesota—13 carries for 75 yards—were solid but not spectacular. He accounted for 100 fewer yards than the Vikings’ Adrian Peterson. But Starks picked up three key first downs on the Packers’ final possession that clinched the game for Green Bay.

After falling behind in the first half, the Packers scored 20 points in the third quarter and led 33–17 heading into the fourth. Then the Vikings went on a run of their own, scoring a field goal and a touchdown on consecutive drives to cut the lead to 6.

With 2:30 remaining Minnesota punted from their own 36. The Vikings had a full complement of timeouts (plus the two-minute warning) and were hoping to get the ball back with time enough to score a winning touchdown. James Starks made sure that never happened.

On the first play from the Green Bay 20, Starks ran for 13 yards and a first down. The Vikings used a timeout. Two plays later, Starks ran for 20 yards and another first down, forcing the Vikings to use their final timeout. Three plays later, on 3rd and 7, Starks ran for yet another first down, enabling the Packers to run out the clock.

Virgil Green, Denver Broncos tight end

Virgil Green is listed as a tight end, but he earns his money playing special teams. And were it not for Green’s special teams heroics, no one would be fawning over Tim Tebow’s fourth-quarter performance against Miami on Sunday.

Tebow threw a 5-yard touchdown pass to Demaryius Thomas with 2:44 left in the game to cut Miami’s lead to 15–7. On the ensuing onside kick, Broncos kicker Matt Prater bounced the ball into the hands of leaping Dolphins receiver Marlon Moore. But Moore couldn’t hold onto the ball as he came down, and Green was there to pounce on it.

Green emerged from the pile with the ball, setting up Denver’s game-tying touchdown drive.

Tim Tebow should buy Virgil Green a beer. Or at least an iced tea. (Wikipedia)

Kansas City Chiefs secondary

The Oakland Raiders made headlines last week when they traded a first-round 2012 draft pick and a conditional second-round 2013 draft pick for discontented Bengals quarterback Carson Palmer. Oakland picked up Palmer to replace injured starter Jason Campbell. The Raiders made headlines on Sunday when Palmer and temporary starter Kyle Boller combined for 6 interceptions and zero touchdowns against Kansas City.

While residents of the Black Hole should be concerned about—perhaps even frightened by—their team’s quarterback play, the Chiefs secondary deserves some credit for shutting down the Raiders’ passing game.

Early in the first quarter, Chiefs safety Kendrick Lewis intercepted an errant Boller pass and took into the end zone to put the Kansas City on the board. Corner Brandon Flowers picked off Boller in the first quarter and Palmer in the fourth. He returned the second pick for a touchdown. Cornerbacks Brandon Carr and Travis Daniels and safety Jon McGraw also recorded interceptions against the Raiders on Sunday.

NFL UK

76,981 people watched the Bears beat the Buccaneers Sunday at London’s Wembley Stadium. That’s a few thousand fewer than have attended past games at Wembley. But unlike previous London games, no one knew whether this game would happen until late July. If the lockout hadn’t ended by August 1, the Week 7 game between the Bears and Bucs would have been in Tampa. Owners and players reached an agreement on July 25, leaving the NFL UK (the league’s London office) scrambling to prepare for the league’s annual international showcase. Considering the quick turnaround, 76,981 is a respectable number (especially since only a handful of NFL stadiums seat as many people).

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No, they most certainly are not; not when quarterback is by far the most important position on the field, in a sport where it is virtually impossible to win consistently without at least above average play from the position.

So even though this post series’ namesake likely thinks I’m an idiot for continuing to post it, post I will. Because while it may be “stupid” from his view, no one who has a franchise QB is lamenting the losses it likely took to get them. Neither will whoever grabs Luck, as close to a “can’t miss” quarterback prospect as we’ve seen in a long while.

1. Indianapolis Colts (0-6)

It’s not often that a player’s legend can grow without taking a snap, but that is exactly what is happening with Peyton Manning this season. Though it may hard to remember right now, as the Colts bungle their way to loss after loss, but coming into this season the Colts had won at least 10 games every year since 2001. In all but two of those seasons they won 12 games.

I think the Colts would have struggled this year even with Manning, as they did last year en route to 10 hard-fought victories, but certainly they would be at or near the top of the AFC South and poised for another playoff berth. Without Manning, they are the worst team in football. Is it possible we have been underestimating Manning’s brilliance all along?

Oh, and just to reiterate: the Colts would and should take Luck #1 if they get the chance. You don’t pass on a franchise quarterback when your current franchise QB is in his mid-30s and inactive because of a neck injury. You don’t. And there is no argument that will me convince me or any reasonable-minded NFL observer otherwise.

2. Miami Dolphins (0-5)

I am posting this on Monday morning, so we do not know yet if the Dolphins will beat the Jets in New York tonight. Except that we do. They won’t. Even with Miami coming off of their bye, they aren’t marching into hostile territory with Matt Moore at a QB and a potentially unhinged Brandon Marshall and winning. Won’t happen.

And I say this as someone who has rooted for the Dolphins my whole life, so I’d love to be wrong…except that I wouldn’t, because a win would screw the Dolphins over in the only standings that matter to Dolfans this year: these standings. The journey to Marino’s heir has been a long, lonely, and losing one for the Dolphins. But if they suck for Luck, the journey could finally end.

Update: Via Larry Brown Sports, Dolphins owner Stephen Ross seems to agree.

3. Denver Broncos (1-4)

The Broncos are a total wild card in these sweepstakes. No one really knows what to expect when Tim Tebow takes over as starter next week. Sure, we all expect to see a low completion percentage and a passing game that functions at about a high school level. But we also might see wins, because Tebow just seems like one of those rare breeds who can completely break the mold and win unconventionally through running, will, and leadership.

So why does Denver remain ahead of the other one-win teams in these standings? Because it doesn’t take a genius to figure out how desperately John Elway would love to get Andrew Luck. It’s so obvious, the reasons don’t even need to be explained. But Tim Tebow could ruin it all by being himself, a winner. It’ll be fascinating to see if he can do it.

4. St. Louis Rams (0-5)

Awful. Just awful. That’s what the Rams are. And if they didn’t have a second half schedule that seems forgiving, and a young QB who I still think can be built around, I’d think about moving them above Miami.

But make no mistake: even with a franchise QB already in tow, the Rams would still win the Suck 4 Luck Sweepstakes by finishing with the worst record. What they could get in return for the #1 pick would be astounding. A part of me hopes it happens just to see what teams are willing to trade. If the Saints traded their entire draft to pick Ricky Williams, imagine what a team might trade for Luck.

5. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-5)

I’ve said it before, and I’ll keep saying it: I’m not sold on Blaine Gabbert as the QB of the future in Jacksonville – at least if the Jags have any intention of that future including consistent winning. And though Jacksonville has a solid defense, they only have one player on offense: Maurice Jones-Drew. Jacksonville simply won’t be able to score enough to win, and they are a definite darkhorse in this race.

6. Minnesota Vikings (1-5)

I still think Adrian Peterson and Jared Allen alone are good enough to get this team three or four more wins, but with Christian Ponder possibly taking over as soon as this week, I cannot keep thinking wishfully that Minnesota will turn it around. They suck. And Leslie Frazier might not be the answer at coach. It’s a shame, because I hate to see so much talent in Adrian Peterson go to waste on a crappy team.

7. Carolina Panthers (1-5)

Carolina finally couldn’t hang in Week 6, losing by double-digits to Atlanta in the Georgia Dome. Cam Newton was his usually dynamic self, but it’s quite clear that this Carolina D just cannot stop teams enough for them to get wins. Like St. Louis, winning the Suck 4 Luck Sweepstakes would be a big boon to Newton and the franchise because of what they could get in return for the first pick, but I think Cam can get them to a few more wins this season, which will give them no chance of sucking enough for Luck.

8. Arizona Cardinals (1-4)

I guess I think Kevin Kolb will play a little better in the season’s second half once he’s more comfortable in his new surroundings, even though his performance so far this year is exactly what we should have expected based on his performance in Philadelphia. So we’ll see.

9. Kansas City Chiefs (2-3)

10. Seattle Seahawks (2-3)

I know he’s wearing the wrong jersey here, and is currently injured, but I love this picture of Tarvaris Jackson.

Just missed: Cleveland Browns (2-3), Washington Redskins (3-2)

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Stay tuned Tuesday or Wednesday when we post our complete NFL Power Rankings, of which I can make one guarantee: Green Bay will be #1. After that, it’s anybody’s guess.

30 years from now when the next generation of kids are watching highlights from the 2011 season, they will randomly see players wearing pink, and unless the NFL continues this practice forever, they won’t know why. The great thing about highlights from the 60s and 70s is that teams always looked the same. They were the definition of uniform.

Nowadays each team has at least one throwback or alternate uniform that they wear periodically throughout the season. And while they look great, it messes with continuity. I realize that the extra uniforms bring in racks on racks on racks of extra money each season, but they need to do away with it. Teams should be forced to pick one uniform design – one home, one away – and stick with it. If the throwback uniforms are such a hit and look better than the default uniforms, then switch back.

On to the Week 5 Power Rankings.

1. Green Bay Packers 4-0

As a courtesy to both myself and the readers of MSF, I am going to stop writing about the Packers each week until they lose. For now, our resident cheesehead, Amanda Lawson, will be filling this spot. Take it away Amanda.

MSF's own Amanda Lawson, in a picture lifted from her Facebook account without permission, sporting her favorite head gear

“Ahhh the Packers. The Green and Gold offense is on fire, and it doesn’t look like they are about to cool down any time soon. All the Aaron Rodgers haters are at a loss for words after his stellar performance on Sunday. The momentum is building and this powerhouse in clearing a path of excellence. I was once told that winning is boring. Losing is so much worse.”

(Note: I was the one who said winning is boring. It’s true. Watching your rival team win all the time is the most boring thing in the world. Thanks Amanda.)

2. Baltimore Ravens 3-1

Can we change Joe “Footsteps” Flacco’s last name to Falco? The way he played on Sunday night is how I imagined Keanu Reeves’ character played in the 1996 Sugar Bowl for Ohio State in The Replacements. I’m also curious to see how well Joe Flacco can throw a metal ball under water.

I can’t believe it has already been 11 years since that movie came out. It was the first movie I bought on DVD. Did you know the players wore Under Armour in the movie and that Roy Anderson played the deaf tight end? Crazy.

3. New Orleans Saints 3-1

The Saints have a legitimate chance at being 15-1 this season, or at least 13-3. They have a solid history against the teams in their own division over the past few years, and their toughest non-division game lies at home against Detroit in Week 13, and who knows what kind of shape Matt Stafford will be in by then. Do I think they are going to go 15-1? No. But their schedule says they could.

4. Detroit Lions 4-0

Too bad the Lions don’t have any real fans who could provide actual content and opinions about them on this site. HAH! TAKE THAT DETROIT!

I hate Detroit sports, but I love their music.

5. New England Patriots 3-1

What would be the football equivalent of the 2011 Red Sox collapse you ask? How could it happen to the 2011 Patriots? I actually know the answer to this: the 2003 Minnesota Vikings.

That team started the season 6-0, went 3-7 to finish the year, and got knocked out of the playoffs on a last second, fourth down touchdown by Nate Poole of the Arizona Cardinals.

Make it happen sports gods.

6. Houston Texans 3-1

A win over the Steelers is an important win for a team looking to prove to everyone that they should be mentioned among the leagues best, but realistically they should have won by about four touchdowns. At least Arian Foster looks like he’s healthy again. Good for the Texans, bad for the AFC South.

7. San Diego Chargers 3-1

This is the most frustrating team ever. Number one overall offense and defense last year and didn’t make the playoffs. Have all of this talent and such a “high powered offense”, and yet they can’t seem to pull away from bad teams like Minnesota, Kansas City and Miami. Even though they are sitting at seven this week, I am down on this team.

8. Tampa Bay Buccaneers 3-1

What is that? Vikings fan? Me? Who told you that? No no no no no. When I was a kid I owned a Warrick Dunn jersey and had one of those Tampa Bay Buccaneers pullover Starter jackets. When I played football, I pretended I was John Lynch. Mike Alstott ranks only behind Leroy Hoard as the NFL’s greatest fullback ever. Hell, I even wrote about Josh Freeman being league MVP. I even mentioned it last week too. I’m a Buccaneers fan dammit! HAIL BUCCANEERS!!!

My “analytic take” on the Buccaneers after Week 4: they are going to have an ugly October. Mixing pink with their team colors? Gross. It just doesn’t work. Down right ugly if you ask me.

9. Buffalo Bills 3-1

Was the last second loss to the Bengals a product of fatigue following two emotional, late game wins against Oakland and New England or a sign of what they really are – a run-of-the-mill overachieving team coming back down to Earth?

10. New York Giants 3-1

How crazy is this Victor Cruz story line?

Last year the guy catches three spectacular touchdowns in one preseason game and is all anyone can talk about for two weeks, then he contributes zero production to the Giants last year. Now all of a sudden he reappears last week when he made two Eagle defenders smash into each other en route to a long touchdown, and then this week he somehow gets away with blatantly fumbling the ball and allows the Giants to win another close game. I can’t wait to see what comes next with this guy.

11. Washington Redskins 3-1

I didn’t watch the Redskins game this weekend because I like to watch good football (Vikings games don’t count, I have to watch those), but I can’t imagine that they look good wearing pink either. I love the gold pants though, those things are classic.

That win helped mask the fact that Rex Grossman looked like Rex Grossman again. Sorry Redskins fans.

12. Chicago Bears 2-2

The Bears and Lions play each other on Monday Night Football this week. To celebrate, I would just like to remind you all that instead of Tyler Juranovich gushing about how much Jay Cutler dominates on a weekly basis, we’ll also get Jon Gruden obsessively talking about how “gritty” and “gutty” and “drunk looking” he is for three hours. I’m so glad I watch MNF on mute.

13. Tennessee Titans 3-1

Chris Johnson finally rushed for over 100 yards in a game and the Titans are surprisingly tied for first place in the AFC South. Unfortunately they have played teams that would probably struggle against Big Ten teams this year, excluding the Ravens of course. Not sure how that one happened. Actually, I do. “Footsteps” Flacco happened. Expect them to slip once they play some legitimate teams.

14. San Francisco 49ers 3-1

Maybe this actually is a good team? Or is Philadelphia really just struggling that much? Alex Smith is looking kind of good so far. By that I mean for Alex Smith’s standards, which is basically slightly above average. At least he’s a better option right now than Donovan McNabb.

15. Oakland Raiders 2-2

Before this past weekend I thought the Raiders would be able to beat the Patriots at home and make a legitimate run to win the AFC West. Even with the loss, and boy was it ugly, I still think they can win the division. The NFL is just better when the Raiders are winning.

16. New York Jets 2-2

I know you are all expecting some sort of Rex Ryan or Mark Sanchez joke, but I’ve got nothing. I’ve got Antonio Cromartie jokes, but that is for next week.

17. Atlanta Falcons 2-2

The best part of the Falcons being a middle of the pack team this year? Room for my Buccaneers to make the playoffs!

18. Pittsburgh Steelers 2-2

The best part of the Steelers being a middle of the pack team this year? Potential room for the Bills to make the playoffs!

19. Dallas Cowboys 2-2

For as much as I am sick of hearing about Tony Romo and his ability to not win a close game, I will never get sick of watching him blow a late lead. It’s a real Catch 22. I hate the Cowboys but love when they lose and cause pain to their “fans”. I realize that is mean to say, and I have a few friends who are Cowboys fans, but that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

20. Philadelphia Eagles 1-3

For all you college football experts, is Robert Griffin III a better version of Vince Young? Maybe he IS Vince Young, because seriously, has anyone seen him? At all? Where the hell did he go?

21. Cincinnati Bengals 2-2

Dalton to Green has produced 312 yards and three touchdowns already in four weeks and the Bengals are .500. Who said rookies can’t produce?

On a completely unrelated note, 21 years into my life and I still can’t spell Cincinnati correctly on the first try. I don’t think I’ll ever learn. I also can’t say “polish sausage” correctly. Is that just me, or is the “sh” suffix impossible to say when it precedes a word that starts with an “s”? Might just be one of those mental block things.

22. Cleveland Browns 2-2

They got an absolute butt kicking at home against the Titans on Sunday, but maybe that’s what they need. Young teams need to get the shit beat out of them every once and a while. Too much of a good thing can lead to destruction under pressure. Then again, too much of a bad thing, in this case ass kickings at home, can be discouraging to a young team. You want young teams to learn tough lessons and build on them, not learn tough lessons and get used to them.

Regardless, they still have one of the best jerseys in the league. Alas, they join Washington and Tampa Bay in the “not looking good in pink” category. You ever see someone walk around wearing brown, orange and pink? No. There’s a reason for that.

23. Arizona Cardinals 1-3

While not really in the running to be a sleeper team in 2011 anymore, they still have a chance to be a playoff team thanks to their shitty division. Who would have thunk it right? (Hint: me)

24. Carolina Panthers 1-3

Am I the only one who is glad we don’t have to talk about Cam Newton anymore? Is he doing a great job in Carolina? Absolutely. I love that he has resurrected Steve Smith’s career, but I want to see him win more than one game before he takes up half of my sports talk radio segments. Wins > passing yards.

25. Seattle Seahawks 1-3

Never again do I want to see that Tarvaris Jackson has over 300 yards passing and three touchdowns and instantly wish that my football team had him at the helm. It’s a terrible feeling. I wish it upon no one.

26. Kansas City Chiefs 1-3

The Chiefs got knocked around pretty hard in the first two weeks of the season, but I’ll give them credit. They have played a pretty solid last six quarters. I think what we’ve learned from Kansas City this year is what positions in the NFL are the most important. Obviously a competent quarterback and above average/Pro Bowl wide receiver are higher on the priority list than running back. And are 4-3 defensive ends/3-4 outside linebackers more important than an all-pro safety? Discuss.

27. St. Louis Rams 0-4

Ugh. I thought this team was supposed to be fun to watch this year. Even I could get past the Rams offensive line right now, and I have asthma and an ingrown toenail. And yes, that is the lamest excuse you will hear from anyone as to why they are out of shape, but hey, I don’t care. It is what it is.

28. Jacksonville Jaguars 1-3

How did Jacksonville get two Monday Night Football games this year? Were they good last year and I just missed it? And speaking of Jacksonville, why is the abbreviation JAX? There is no “x” in Jacksonville. It never fails to confuse me when I have to spell out Jacksonville. I propose a vote to change it to JAC.

29. Denver Broncos 1-3

Roger Goodell should implement a rule that if the Broncos are going to draft Andrew Luck in the 2012 draft, they have to go back to the Orange Crush jerseys and logo. He should also probably check Knowshon Moreno’s water bottle.

30. Minnesota Vikings 0-4

The Minnesota Vikings spot in these rankings will be reserved for non-Vikings thoughts for the rest of the year because I have nothing left to say about this team. This week: drunk girls alone at the bar.

On Friday night a group of my friends went out to the bar and saw a relatively attractive girl (so it seemed at the time, turned out she really wasn’t) drinking by herself at the bar. It was 7pm so we figured she had just got there and was waiting for her friends. Then it got to be 8pm and she was still alone. We were a little drunk at by then ($.30 beers go down so smooth, you guys) and we figured it would be a good time to go learn this girl’s story. Just as we were about to approach her, she reached out, grabbed a random dude’s ass, then stood up to walk and almost fell over taking a right hand turn. I’ve never sat back down in my seat so fast.

Drunk girl then went out to the dance floor and proceeded to get jiggy with it. By herself. At 8:30pm. I am not exaggerating when I say that the entire bar stopped what they were doing, stood up, and watched her dance. The bar full of attention only added fuel to the fire. Bravo lonely drunk lady, you had us all at your fingertips. She was loving it, and so were we, but for a completely different reason.

Lesson learned. Lonely drunk girls are probably drunk and alone for a reason.

31. Miami Dolphins 0-4

Serious question. What kind of pizza would it take for Miami to trade Reggie Bush away in real life? My guess is either Hawaiian or Meat Lovers. Though if it gets too close to the trade deadline, I’m sure they would settle for pepperoni. Everyone loves pepperoni pizza.

32. Indianapolis Colts 0-4

I want to see Peyton Manning on my TV for only two reasons: playing football and doing funny things on SNL. Not cheering in a press box while Curtis Painter is playing quarterback.

Oh, and then there is this from last night in case you all missed it. Ow. Get well soon.

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[Editor's note: If you can't get enough of Power Rankings, don't forget to check out this week's "Suck 4 Luck" Power Rankings, which handicaps the NFL's race to the bottom in 2011.]

So while other websites (and possibly Drew here at MSF) give you complete power rankings from 1-32, I am going to do something a little different. I am simply going to concern myself with the teams whose seasons are over, as deemed by the democracy of me, and rank them in terms of their likelihood to land one of the biggest draft prizes in recent memory: quarterback Andrew Luck of Stanford.

Because hey, the reality of this NFL season is that only two teams’ fan bases are going to end this season feeling overwhelmingly positive: the team that wins the Super Bowl and the team that makes a season of sucking worthwhile by landing the #1 pick.

Yes, if you’re going to suck, you might as well really suck. Suck 4 Luck!

Think Carolina is all that upset that they had to endure last year now that they see their Camtastic reward? I’m sure the Colts think it was worth it to go 3-13 in 1997 seeing as how it landed them Peyton Manning. And I’m sure the Cowboys are okay with that 3-13 year in 1988 that allowed them to pick Troy Aikman. I could go on and on with such examples.

The question now is what Luck-y franchise will be next?

In the NFL, you’re only as good as your quarterback. Come April of 2012, some craptastic, moribund franchise will add Andrew Luck and immediately increase its likelihood of becoming relevant on an annual basis for the next decade. Here are the current contenders in the race to suck for Luck, or as we call them: the Suck 4 Luck Power Rankings.

1. Kansas City Chiefs 0-3

Despite their competent second half showing against the Chargers on Sunday (the same Chargers who usually don’t even start playing competently themselves until mid-October), the Chiefs have the worst point differential in the NFL at -82. Seeing as how they lost Jamaal Charles, Eric Berry, and Tony Moeaki to season-ending injuries, this is not totally unexpected.

They also have a coach who is in over his head and a GM that seems to be rubbing people the wrong way. Oh, and they have a quarterback making way too much money who it makes sense to cut after this season.

The Chiefs are done in 2011, and I don’t think a reasonable argument can be posted otherwise. They also unequivocally need a franchise QB. It will take a lot to knock them out of the top spot.

2. Indianapolis Colts 0-3

Objectively, the Colts landing the #1 pick in the 2012 draft would create the most interesting scenario. If Peyton Manning is healthy by then, and wanting to play 3-5 more seasons, would he want the franchise to draft his replacement? And if he didn’t, would they do it anyway? Considering what they are dealing with this year, they sure as hell better if given the opportunity.

One thing is for sure: with Kerrtis Paintlins currently manning the QB position for Indianapolis, they are not going to win many games.

3. Miami Dolphins 0-3

The only thing that would be more shocking than Ozzie Guillen and Ken Williams eating Thanksgiving dinner together would be Tony Sparano being the coach in Miami next year. With the Dolphins being led by a lame duck head coach and a lame duck starting quarterback, and with Reggie Bush just being plain lame, this is quickly turning into another lost season for the ‘Phins.

BUT…on the not-so-bright side for the Dolphins and their Luck-hungry fans, Miami has the most raw talent still healthy of the top three teams in this week’s Suck 4 Luck Power Rankings; so unfortunately, they’ll probably steal a game or two more for the win column by the time all is said and done and then get stuck drafting the next Jay Fiedler instead of the next Dan Marino.

4. Cincinnati Bengals 1-2

Andy Dalton bursting out the gates quickly was a nice story, but he’s still a rookie, and not a rookie with superstar talent like Cam Newton. Plus, he’s still quarterbacking an offense that’s greatest weapon is another rookie. That is not going to win many games in the NFL.

I said before the season started that the Bengals would get the #1 pick in 2011. Since they’ve already stolen a win, and have admittedly looked a little better than I anticipated, they’re at four; but as soon as their record evens up with the teams in the top 3, they’ll start moving up (down?) the charts.

5. Seattle Seahawks 1-2

This team is quarterbacked by Tarvaris Jackson and coached by Pete Carroll. Need I say much more?

The fact that their defense is improving, they have a strong home field advantage, and they play in a weak division will keep them from winning the Luck Sweepstakes…but that’s probably just as well. If Luck led them to the playoffs they’d probably thank him by just letting him go succeed in Tennessee anyway.

6. Jacksonville Jaguars 1-2

There isn’t much separating the teams with 1-2 records (other than Carolina). The Jags have gone from the solid David Garrard to the terrible Luke McCown to the unproven and possibly overrated Blaine Gabbert. While he does have the great Maurice Jones-Drew to lean on, having Mike Thomas as your #1 wide receiver isn’t going to help. Neither is playing for a lame duck coach.

7. Denver Broncos 1-2

I’m just not buying the Broncos this year. John Fox obviously has job stability with this being his first season, but the offense just doesn’t seem to be clicking without Josh McDaniels, and Knowshon Moreno still can’t stay healthy. Denver may ultimately win a few games to completely remove themselves from the discussion, but until that happens I won’t believe that John Elway isn’t secretly trying to position his franchise to get the next great Stanford QB.

8. Carolina Panthers 1-2

Cam Newton has shown me a lot through just three games in his NFL career, enough to think that he can lead the Panthers to three or four more wins. Regardless, Carolina wouldn’t take Luck at #1 anyway, so they effectively aren’t even the Suck 4 Luck discussion. If they end up sucking that badly, they’ll probably end up getting Cam Newton a new toy. (Justin Blackmon perhaps?…)

9. Minnesota Vikings 0-3

Yes, the Vikings are 0-3. And yes, they will likely make the move to Christian Ponder at some point this season. Still, this team has had big leads at halftime of all three games, and that’s impressive even if they haven’t been able to hold them. It’s a testament to the talent still there, and there is a lot of it: Adrian Peterson, Percy Harvin, Jared Allen, just to name a few.

I say the Vikings get themselves at least four or five wins this year, and like the Panthers they just drafted a first round QB. Though they still might take Luck anyway, because he’s apparently that good, I don’t think they’ll even sniff the chance.

10. St. Louis Rams 0-3

The Rams may very well go to 0-7, and may very well be playing for a lame duck coach if that happens, but the schedule eases up later in the season, and the Rams do play in the NFC West after all. They are struggling offensively as Sam Bradford learns Josh McDaniels’ system, and injuries to Steven Jackson and Danny Amendola have hurt, but the Rams could still win their division as I predicted before the season started.

I know they’ve looked horrible through three games, but I’m not ready to give up on them yet. Regardless, they’re another team that wouldn’t take Luck anyway.

I’ll check back next week with updated Suck 4 Luck Power Rankings. Feel free to agree or disagree in the comment section below.

Update: Sometimes, great minds think alive. I just Googled “suck for luck” to see where this post came up, and I found out that, unbeknownst to me, With Leather has already been doing “Suck for Luck” Power Rankings! Hopefully they don’t mind us encroaching on their territory. And why would they? There is plenty of sucking to go around in the NFL this year.

Newton finished with 422 yards passing and two touchdowns and also ran for 18 yards, picking up a rushing touchdown as well. 422 is the most passing yards ever for anyone in their debut, and that includes other-worldly players like Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, Aaron Rodgers, Chad Henne, and Jay Cutler. [Editor's note: the latter two who dominate.]

After those five, I’m not sure there is another quarterback in the league that I would want under center right now than Newton.

He completed 65 percent of his passes, finishing with 24 completions, one-third of which went to Steve Smith. HE LITERALLY REVIVED STEVE SMITH FROM THE DEAD! And no one got punched in the face, which is an added bonus.

Who is going to get the Newton bump next week? Jeremy Shockey? Legedu Naanee? Muhsin Muhammad? Tim Biakabutuka?

Who cares that the Panthers lost the game? I know Cam doesn’t. He hasn’t lost since junior college, so the loss obviously wasn’t his fault. Cam doesn’t know how to lose. Besides, if the season ended today, the Panthers would be in first place in the NFC South.

Newton faces the defending world champion Green Bay Packers this weekend, but Cam’s not scared. Cam’s beaten Alabama, Oregon, Louisiana-Monroe, and Fort Scott Community College. The Packers should be no problem. Did I mention he threw for over 422 yards last week? If Drew Brees can top 400 yards, that total should be no problem for Cam. #Cam4HeismanMVP