Welcome back, fans of drinking and football!
I’m unreasonably excited for this week’s drinking game.
Houston is undefeated and looks like a legitimate Super Bowl contender. Good plays can be a boon for drinking games.
And the Jets are stuck in such a state of suckiness that this drinking game could become an out-and-out catastrophe inside of 10 minutes.
Before we get to this week, though, let’s rewind to last week and examine what went right and wrong.
Week 4 Recap
Let’s extend a thank you to Tony Romo, whose derp-filled night paved the way for a torrid second half of drinking.
We finished with 71 drinks (about 9 beers for me) on the night, but only 24 came in the first half. Generally I’d prefer that to be flipped the other way, because it’s much better to get loaded early than late, but this was absolutely delightful.
The first half featured little offense, and the only real drinking came on a few touchbacks, sacks, and a couple Jay Cutler criticisms of his teammates. My personal favorite was when receiver Dane Sanzenbacher dropped a pass that was delivered perfectly and the cameras caught Cutler repeatedly saying “bullseye” to Sanzenbacher.
There also was a little bit of discussion around the return of the league’s regular officials, but not nearly as much as I’d hoped.
Romo threw 5 picks, all resulting in drinks, but he also helped Jason Witten revive his season with 13 catches. Throw in lots of shots of an angry Rob Ryan in the second half and some not-pictured Gerry Austin voice work and the second half was a drunken barn burner.
Sadly there were no shots of Jerry Jones that I recall, and Gruden and Tirico talked about Brandon Marshall’s off-field troubles but not Dez Bryant’s. Probably because they were too busy talking about Dez’s on-field troubles instead.
On to this week! Here’s the obligatory prep work for you to have a suitable drinking environment.
To prepare, you’ll need to do the following things:
Find a fun environment to watch the games.
A house with a great TV setup and ample seating for guests is ideal, but a local bar with a fun atmosphere will work too (just remember to have a designated driver).
Secure plenty of beverages of your choice.
I always opt for really trashy beers of the sort you’ll see advertised during the game, but feel free to get creative. Just make sure that you have enough. You don’t want to have to make a drink run during a crucial part of the game.
Stock up on snacks.
You can also have guests bring along snacks to help make a diverse spread. As the drinks flow, you and your guests are sure to need to balance things out with some quality food.
Invite people who want to have fun.
This is the most important part. If you don’t have good company to share the evening with, what fun is a drinking game?
Make the necessary arrangements with work.
If you intend to get really wild on Monday night, it is wise to not let it interfere with your job. For the truly committed NFL partiers, see if you can arrive a little later. You don’t want to be miserable for an entire work day just because some of my absurd drinking game rules came through.
Have plenty of headache medicine, water or Gatorade, and energy drinks available for the morning.
This is standard protocol for hangover defense.
Again, respect your limitations.
It is great to get wild and party hard, but make sure you don’t overdo it. I can’t stress this enough.
[Disclaimer: The suggestions and drinking game in this post are meant to be fun and liven up your football viewing experience. It is extremely important, however, that you drink responsibly. Know your personal limits, don't drive after drinking, and of course, only imbibe if you are of legal drinking age. Take care of yourselves and enjoy.]
With that out of the way, let’s move on to the Week 5 drinking game rules!
Monday Night Football Drinking Game: Texans vs. Jets
Take one drink each time one of the following things happen:
- Let’s get this out of the way: each time Tim Tebow is shown on camera. Void this rule if he is inserted as starting quarterback or if you are blacked out by the end of the first quarter.
- Either team commits a turnover.
- Matt Schaub completes a pass to a white guy.
- Santonio Holmes is mentioned.
- Either team records a sack. Drink twice if the sack is by J.J. Watt.
- Arian Foster records a carry of 5 or more yards.
- Any kickoff or punt results in a touchback.
- Jets fans chant “Tebow” or boo the offense mercilessly. I’ll leave the interpretation of “mercilessly” in your hands because only you know your limitations as a drinker.
- We hear the voice of Gerry Austin, the old ref guy who ESPN never shows.
- Any offensive play results in a gain of 15 or more yards.
- Andre Johnson throws a punch. (Really I just wanted an excuse to watch this video.)
- Any personal foul penalty is called.
- A player does the first down arm point after making a first down.
- Darrelle Revis is mentioned.
- Either team goes 3 and out on an offensive series.
- Ben Tate records a carry.
- Peyton Manning or Philip Rivers are mentioned. Pay attention the MNF promos for this one.
- Optional: Any “Discount Double Check” commercial is shown.
Tebow will lead us all to drunkenness this week, I’m sure of it. Throw in the ineptitude of Mark Sanchez and a bunch of Arian Foster carries for 5+ yards, and I think we’ll approach the splendid Packers-Seahawks disaster of a couple weeks ago.
Postgame Breathalyzer Prediction: .19 (so for goodness sakes use a D.D. or crash on your buddy’s couch.)
Check back next week for the recap of this game and the Broncos vs. Chargers Week 6 drinking game!