If Week 1 is Overreaction Week, week 2 is Backlash Week.
The “Peyton Manning is back!” storyline is now “What’s wrong with Peyton!?”
The sky-high Jets of last week now look like the inept team we all know and love.
The supposedly awful Dolphins smashed the potentially terrible Raiders.
And for the love of God, what’s wrong in New England!? Is Wes Welker unhappy? Is Tom Brady complacent now that he’s got that sweet Dodge Dart money rolling in?
We won’t know much about the true character of teams for another few weeks, but Week 2 is fun for transitive property purposes. As in, the Buccaneers beat the Panthers who beat the Saints, but the Bucs lost to the Giants who lost to the Cowboys who lost to the Seahawks who lost to the Cardinals who beat the Patriots. That means the best team in the NFL is the Titans! Or something. Probably not.
What we do know is this: nothing.
Let the wild speculation continue!
Waiver Wire Madness
Week 2 is the classic time for fantasy football owners to give up on underachieving stars in order to snap up sleepers.
For instance, I lost by straight-up 60 points in my league this week thanks to Brandon Marshall’s no-show and Antonio Gates’ last-minute benching, and also because my team is awful. Am I snapping up Danny Amendola and Dante Rosario? No. Because those sound like porn star names, first off, and second, because that’s a dangerous game to play all season.
Like we saw with Kevin Ogletree last week, guys will pop up from time to time. Will they turn into Arian Foster or Miles Austin? Most likely, no. Stick with your studs – you drafted them for a reason.
Screw You, C.J. Spiller
A special greeting to Fred Jackson’s backup, who I neglected to draft.
This will be a weekly feature until I get over the pain of not handcuffing, and a warning to all Steven Jackson/Ahmad Bradshaw/Matt Forte owners to grab backups while you can, if you can.
Griffining: Tebowing For Fat People With Bad Knees
STL 31, WAS 28
The Redskins looked like world-beaters last week, but they are now straight up reeling after a bad loss to the Rams and the loss of both Adam Carriker and Brian Orakpo for the season.
Does that mean we can stop seeing those incredibly unsettling Orakpo Geico commercials? The ones that use leftover film stock from Spanish soap operas?
Griffin is still doing his Cam Newton 2011 impersonation, which is frustrating for anyone who drafted Cam Newton 2012.
And those sweet, sweet rushing touchdowns are poison to anyone who took a chance on the rotating troika of Redskins running backs, but those people are idiots anyway for trying to outsmart Mike Shanahan. I… I have Alfred Morris and Evan Royster in both my leagues.
For fantasy purposes, this was a big game.
One, with the Redskins defense looking weak, it’s clear this team will be in a lot of shootouts, which will boost most of their offensive player outputs. Ride Griffin until he has a meltdown game, but good luck trying to figure out who’s catching his passes.
On the STL side, Danny Amendola broke out in a big way and could be a decent option moving forward given that there’s little competition at that position.
More importantly, Daryl Richardson stepped in for an injured Steven Jackson, which completely ruined my Isiah Pead draft pick. And I thought I was soooo smart. Snap Richardson up and stash him, depending on Jackson’s prognosis.
Isn’t it weird that Los Angeles still doesn’t have an NFL team?
Another Near Miracle At the Meadowlands
NYG 41, TB 34
Full disclosure: I was at this game at MetLife Swampland Memorial Concrete Donut Stadium, and it was like experiencing 14 heart attacks at once.
I honestly thought I might have had to resuscitate some of the octogenarian Giants fans, who seem to be the only ones who attend games. They seemed like they would not have been receptive to the, uh, “implications” of mouth-to-mouth, but still. These wonderful old folks certainly remember the “Miracle at the Meadowlands,” the 1978 game wherein the Eagles recovered a last-second Giants fumble and returned it for a game-winning touchdown.
Bucs coach Greg Schiano caught a lot of heat for trying to jump the Giants’ victory formation, and from a totally unbiased, non-Giants fan perspective: in person, it looked much, MUCH worse. Players were flopping around, Eli Manning tumbled back, and if he had grabbed his knee after going to the ground, trust me – Schiano would have had to fist fight some very feisty senior citizens (besides Tom Coughlin). That’s how they roll in New Jersey.
Another running back goes down in Ahmad Bradshaw, and his replacement Andre Brown looked pretty good in relief. He’s definitely a smart pickup given that Bradshaw is going to be limited going forward and David Wilson is apparently in the doghouse.
And if there are 500+ yards to spread around in the Giants passing game, snap up Martellus Bennett and maybe even Ramses Barden if you can, just to say you have a guy named Ramses.
Vincent Jackson is going to continue to get the majority of the targets in TB, and keep an eye on the Tampa defense – they forced a bunch of turnovers, and they face some questionable QBs in Tony Romo, Griffin, Matt Cassel and Christan Ponder in coming weeks. Not a bad pinch hitter if you need it.
MetLife Stadium sucks.
Best Team In Texas Watch
SEA 27, DAL 7
Oh god, it is SO satisfying when the Cowboys lose after a week of nonstop Dallas hype.
The Seahawks defense is nothing to scoff at (and given that the Giants gave up a combined 58 points these past two games, it’s clear their defense is something to scoff at).
Romo gets the Bucs this week, and I suggest he not try kneeling down at any point.
Pretty much everyone on the Seahawks offensive is a stay-away in my book, save for Beef Moe Marshawn Lynch. I would hate to have to depend on any of their receivers for points, unless it’s in desperation.
Kevin Ogletree returned back to earth this week, crushing the dreams of a million waiver wire pickups, but a healthy Jason Witten is good news for spleen fans everywhere.
HOU 27, JAC 7
Meanwhile, the Texans’ schedule is starting to look a little cupcake-y. They beat up two Florida doormats, get a reeling Denver team this week with the suddenly human Peyton Manning, then winless Tennessee at home, and a Monday night game against a most likely terrible Jets team in Jersey.
The less said about the Jags the better.
Why, WHY must Andre Johnson disappoint like this? The Texans run game is a must play, and backup Ben Tate is probably better than your RB1, which goes to show that fantasy football is dumb and I hate it.
The ESPN 30 for 30 on SMU football was super awesome, and it’s on Netflix Instant Watch in case you haven’t seen it yet.
Dallas looks like such a fun place, if only for the barbecue and giant Cadillacs with longhorns affixed to the front. That’s what everyone in Texas drives, right?
Which 2-0 Team Would Win In A Fight?
The 49ers, Falcons, Chargers and Eagles join the Texans in the undefeated club.
The Eagles are the worst of that group. They could easily be 0-2 right now and have an oddly tough upcoming schedule: at Arizona, home vs NYG, at Pittsburgh, home vs Detroit. If Mike Vick doesn’t pull it together, that could be four losses.
A 2-4 Eagles team is going to have a real… uh… dogfight for a playoff spot.
Next in that group is probably the semi-soft Falcons, who have a wicked offense despite an allegedly drunk running back. Let’s go ahead and pick up Jacquizz Rodgers if we have a chance, if only because he hasn’t failed a field sobriety test yet, and because Jason Snelling rode the bench on my team all last year without doing squat.
The Chargers are a little harder to gauge. They’ve basically been Super Bowl Contenders for the last eight years with nothing to show for it, and picking them to finally fulfill their potential is dumb. And you’re dumb for thinking it.
I would literally not believe in them if they hoisted the Lombardi Trophy in front of my eyes. They remain a fun team to play as in Madden, however.
The 49ers, until proven otherwise, are still the top contender to win the NFC. It was closer than it should have been against Detroit, but they kept Megatron out of the endzone, which is impressive in itself.
Also, their stadium smells like garlic fries and has craft beer and is SO MUCH BETTER THAN METLIFE STADIUM.
Teams That Made Me Look Stupid
Thanks, Baltimore and Chicago, for making me look stupid! You are the worst and I hate you.
Chicago was not going to win in Green Bay so fast, but the Ravens are prone to huge mistakes at inopportune times going back to last season, and if that trend continues, I see another crushing loss to the Patriots in the playoffs on the horizon.
Teams That Made Me Look Smart
Pittsburgh, who beat the Jets soundly and will probably win 11 games this year.
They have a real weak schedule, and get the Chargers at home at 1PM (dangerous for a West Coast team, because apparently plane rides affect football games) and get the Browns and Bengals twice each, plus the Titans and Chiefs.
This is going to be a dangerous playoff team.
Last week I was right about Green Bay and Pitt, sorta correct in that I had a bad feeling about the Giants, and I whiffed on Denver and the Saints.
This week, I think the Giants will sneak by in Carolina on Thursday night, the Cowboys will sneak by the Bucs at home, the Dolphins will beat the Jets and cause the New York Post to catch on fire, the Saints get their first win vs KC, and a huge upset as the Packers lose in Seattle on Monday night.
Those are my picks, unless they are wrong, in which case they were your picks.