Hey did you watch Monday Night Football? I heard something happened?
I don’t know, I was watching How I Met Your Mother on DVR, and then I had a glass of warm milk, and by that point I was fast asleep. (I mean, it was a school night!)
BUT SERIOUSLY FOLKS.
I don’t care about officiating. At this point, it’s like being stuck in traffic: It sucks, there’s nothing we can do about it, so what’s the point of complaining?
I reserve the right to change my mind as soon as the Giants get boned by a bad call.
Bad refs or not, this was an insane weekend of football – one of those early season weeks where good teams are still getting settled, bad teams still have some fight left in them, and a whole host of results are going to look really weird come January.
But what is going to stick? Which games from this week actually meant something?
Is Revis Island A Leper Colony?
I picked the Jets to lose this week, and although they certainly did everything they could to back up my claim, they notched a huge L despite the W in the box score.
Losing Darrelle Revis for the season basically drops the Jets from fringe contender to potential disaster scenario.
It cannot be overstated how much Revis affects every Jets game – he may be overrated, but the shadow he casts on his side of the field, deserved or not, is undeniable. He’s one of those defensive players, like Aging Ed Reed or Aging Charles Woodson or Secretly Crappy Namdi Asomugha, wherein his reputation is enough to discourage quarterbacks from throwing in his direction.
Without him, the Jets will be exposed for the frauds they are.
On the Hard Knocks side: I’m sorry, is Reggie Bush on steroids? Deal with the devil? I cannot remember a player looking so absolutely done before looking so completely awesome. We’re talking five solid years of Reggie Bush: Noted Bust, and now he’s Reggie Bush: Fantasy Star.
“Ryan Tannehill” and “game manager” were uttered about 20 times on the broadcast, which is… not a glowing endorsement. But the Dolphins look to have some fight to them, and that makes the AFC East more interesting.
Uh, let’s stay away from the Jets defense given that they have Houston and the Patriots coming up in the next month. Let’s ride Santonio Holmes, who looks to have his mojo back, and maybe take a chance on Jeremy Kerley and Bilal Powell if you have the roster spots available.
With Reggie Bush looking injured, Daniel Thomas and Lamar Miller are decent options if you’re as desperate as I am for running backs.
The Jets look like they’re about to return to their decade of futility that preceded the Rex Ryan era, and it is not a fun time to be a Gang Green fan.
The Lions & Titans Scored 46 Combined Points. In the 4th Quarter!
What a nutterbutters game.
The second OT game of the weekend after the Jets-Dolphins was one I was monitoring on ESPN Gamecast. I turned away for a minute and turned back to see it tied, and figured ESPN.com was broken.
Instead, the Lions pulled off a Madden move by scoring a tremendous amount of points in very little time, in a game that featured a lateral punt return TD and about 100 other insane things. The Lions are SO LUCKY that the Packers “lost” this weekend, otherwise their season may have been cooked by the end of the overtime period.
Mikel Leshoure is your holy-crap-is-he-still-available-why-am-I-so-bad-at-fantasy-football pickup of the week.
For the Titans, Nate Washington is a decent option, but I wouldn’t except long touchdowns every week. Kenny Britt got 11 targets in the game, but so did rookie Kendall Wright, if you’re desperate for a sleeper.
The Music City Miracle was the Buffalo Bills’ last playoff appearance. Buffalo is the Cleveland of Western New York.
Feel The Brees!
The Saints are 0-3, and maybe we all got too used to New Orleans being good. For a historically terrible franchise, they were clearly on borrowed time.
The Chiefs, meanwhile, were such a perennial powerhouse that it feels weird that they’ve been so bad for the last decade or so. I think with the Super Bowl at the Superdome this year, an off Saints year was basically inevitable.
I have Dexter McCluster riding my bench because he has dual eligibility, and I refuse to start him because I know he will disappoint. He also may not have an arm after getting laid out last weekend, so there’s that.
I also picked up Shaun Draughn, who is the clear number two behind former Madden coverboy Peyton Hillis. (how crazy is it that he was on the cover of Madden? It’s like Hitler being named Time Man of the Year.)
Cam Newton, Why Are You Doing This To Me Specifically
The Giants continued to be unstoppable on the road in just demolishing the Panthers, who were a sexy dark horse for this season and now look like they are majorly regressing.
Props to Cam Newton for torpedoing my fantasy hopes this year – we should have known that his rookie season was completely unsustainable.
And a special Screw You to the NFL network for insisting on weird Thursday night games for the rest of the season. Thursday is for Parks and Recreation!
Ramses Barden will get fewer looks when Hakeem Nicks comes back, but don’t count on him for monster nights like this going forward.
Andre Brown is for sure already gone in your league, but Mike Tolbert got some touches this game and is a noted touchdown vulture.
If you have the Giants D, ride them this week versus the turnover-happy Eagles. Oh boy, that’s going to be fun.
Also, did I not tell you to pick up Ramses Barden last week? I totally did. He’s named after a condom! Actually, so is Henry Hynoski.
There Are Too Many Bird Teams In The NFL
The Cardinals just wrecked the Eagles, just completely wrecked them. That game should have been mercy ruled.
The Cardinals defense looks to be for real, but their offense… well, it’s not as bad as Seattle’s (more on them later), but it is not exactly the Greatest Show on Scottsdale. I wish I could figure out their run game for fantasy purposes, but I guess drafting a guy named Beanie means I get what I deserve.
The Eagles, meanwhile, are one of the most satisfying losers in the league. LeSean McCoy is picking a fight with British bulldog Osi Umenyiora, which is insane – why would you roil up someone who is paid millions of dollars to hit you as hard as possible? Mere days before he tries to hit you! “Go ahead, firing squad – I bet you can’t even hit me in the balls!”
Stay away from Vick. He is useless to you. The Eagles will have to run the ball like crazy this Sunday against the Giants, so take a look at backup Bryce Brown.
And definitely ride the Cardinals defense for a while, with four softies in a row: MIA, STL, BUF, MIN. That’s good eatin’.
Hey, the Giants won the Super Bowl in Phoenix. Just sharing.
Screw You C.J. Spiller Interlude
Spiller went and got his shoulder broke, so he is off my screw you list. Tashard Choice is a logical, uh, choice, but Fred Jackson will try to play this week. Good luck with that one.
I also kinda like Damaris Johnson of the Eagles – he got 11 looks this week, and could be a breakout WR.
And if Matt Forte is out for much longer, backup backup Khalil Bell got 10 carries this weekend and could get more going forward.
OK FINE I’LL TALK ABOUT IT.
The Packers – Seahawks thing was a travesty, sure, but if the Packers were a better team they would have never been in that situation to begin with.
They were dominated by Seattle in the first half with eight sacks, and if that’s a recurring theme they can forget about a deep playoff run – not with the Cardinals, Giants, and 49ers front lines to deal with.
The Seahawks look vaguely legit – it’s sort of like Pete Carroll took over a college program, brought in his recruits, and is now turning it around. He has two first names, and one of them is a girl’s name, and I don’t trust that.
The Packers have a weird schedule coming up: home versus the Saints in what looked a better game before the season, then a three-game road trip through Indy, Houston and St. Louis. That’s two dome teams and one high-powered offense – I expect them to score about 140 points combined the next four games.
Best Team In Texas Watch:
The Texans had the Broncos on the ropes and let them get back into the game, but that offense is way too good to lose a shootout. They are still the top SB contender in my book.
The Cowboys limped to a crappy win over a crappy team and they’re crappy and dumb. The offense had an excuse against Seattle, but they looked flaccid against a Bucs team that gave up like 80 points the week before, sooo maybe the ‘Boys are just awful.
It’s Late And I’m Not Peter King So Let’s Get To Uniformed Picks
I nailed 3/5 picks last week, including the Packers upset in Seattle, but if Vegas is refunding those bets I should probably not count it either.
This week, I say the Lions will beat the 2-1 Vikings, the Chiefs will beat the 2-1 Chargers, the 49ers will rebound in New York against the Jets, the Redskins will win on the road in Tampa, and on Monday night, the Bears beat Dallas in Dallas.
Those are my picks, unless they are wrong, in which case I lied.