Welcome back to the most absurd game in sports, folks!
Last week I debuted my Monday Night Football drinking game, and after talking to a few people who played, I would have to say that it was a smashing success.
As in everyone I know who played was successful in getting smashed.
Week 1 Recap
Here’s a quick recap of last week’s action:
I recorded and re-watched both of the Week 1 games, and in all, 117 drinks were demanded by the rules I set. I also did a test to determine how many drinks of beer it takes for me to drink a full beer, and I discovered that it takes 8 solid, man-sized drinks to down a beer. That means the Week 1 drinking game was responsible for the drinking of almost 15 beers.
That’s some serious drinking, even if it was spread out over the span of about 6 hours.
A few of the very successful game rules were: mentions of Art Modell, the phrase “National Football League” being said, Peyton Manning references (thanks for the incessant self-promotion, ESPN!), and criticisms of the NFL’s replacement referees (thanks Jon Gruden!).
The Raiders disappointed by not committing too many false starts, there were far too few personal fouls, and Tim Tebow was mysteriously absent from all discussion or things could have gotten even more out of hand.
I predicted in last week’s post that your blood alcohol level would be approximately .18 after playing this game, and I think that was probably pretty close based on the outcomes.
Let’s move on to Week 2, with Matt Ryan’s Atlanta Falcons hosting Peyton Manning’s Denver Broncos. First, here are the obligatory tips for preparing the proper environment in which to play the game.
To prepare, you’ll need to do the following things:
Find a fun environment to watch the games.
A house with a great TV setup and ample seating for guests is ideal, but a local bar with a fun atmosphere will work too (just remember to have a designated driver).
Secure plenty of beverages of your choice.
I always opt for really trashy beers of the sort you’ll see advertised during the game, but feel free to get creative. Just make sure that you have enough. You don’t want to have to make a drink run during a crucial part of the game.
Stock up on snacks.
You can also have guests bring along snacks to help make a diverse spread. As the drinks flow, you and your guests are sure to need to balance things out with some quality food.
Invite people who want to have fun.
This is the most important part. If you don’t have good company to share the evening with, what fun is a drinking game?
Make the necessary arrangements with work.
If you intend to get really wild on Monday night, it is wise to not let it interfere with your job. For the truly committed NFL partiers, see if you can arrive a little later. You don’t want to be miserable for an entire work day just because some of my absurd drinking game rules came through.
Have plenty of headache medicine, water or Gatorade, and energy drinks available for the morning.
This is standard protocol for hangover defense.
Again, respect your limitations.
It is great to get wild and party hard, but make sure you don’t overdo it. I can’t stress this enough.
[Disclaimer: The suggestions and drinking game in this post are meant to be fun and liven up your football viewing experience. It is extremely important, however, that you drink responsibly. Know your personal limits, don’t drive after drinking, and of course, only imbibe if you are of legal drinking age. Take care of yourselves and enjoy.]
With that out of the way, let’s move on to the Week 2 drinking game rules!
Monday Night Football Drinking Game: Broncos vs. Falcons
Take one drink each time one of the following things happen:
- Since it was so successful last week, let’s bring back any time the NFL is referred to as “The National Football League”
- Peyton Manning completes a pass to a white guy (Eric Decker counts)
- Michael Turner gains more than 5 yards on a carry
- Matt Ryan is referred to by the nickname “Matty Ice”
- Dunta Robinson decapitates a defenseless wide receiver
- Eli Manning is mentioned
- Von Miller records a sack or tackle for loss
- Roddy White catches a pass
- John Elway is shown on screen
- The “Dirty Bird” dance is shown or mentioned (h/t Drew Lange)
- The NFL’s replacement referees are criticized by the announcers
- A personal foul penalty is called
- A kickoff or punt results in a touchback
- Tracy Porter’s Super Bowl interception of Peyton Manning is mentioned or shown
- Gruden or Tirico mention fantasy football (h/t Drew Lange again)
- Aaron Rodgers’ name is mentioned (sounds random, but remember how much ESPN likes to self-promote)
- Let’s try this one again: Tim Tebow is mentioned (it’s gotta happen a couple times during a Broncos game)
- Willis McGahee gains more than 5 yards on a carry
- Either team commits a turnover
- Any Falcon besides Roddy White, Julio Jones or Tony Gonzalez catches a pass
- Either kicker makes a field goal from 45 yards or farther
- Andrew Luck is mentioned
With only one game compared to last week’s two, I expect the partying to slow down just a smidge. Hopefully I’ve supplied enough rules for you to sufficiently intoxicate yourselves, though.
If it gets to halftime and you feel like this isn’t doing the trick, fall back on drinking during Chris Berman’s nonsensical halftime highlight package. Just take a drink every time he makes an outdated pop culture reference, uses a nickname he created, or he uses one of his ultra-annoying NFL Films-style announcing gimmicks.
Postgame Breathalyzer Prediction: .16 (so for goodness sakes use a D.D. or crash on your buddy’s couch.)
Check back next week for the recap of this game and the Packers vs. Seahawks Week 3 drinking game!