What Was Patton Oswalt Doing On ‘Two and Half Men’ Sunday Night?

Patton Oswalt is one of the hottest comedians right now.

He was widely considered an Oscar snub for his role in Young Adult; his comedy record, Finest Hour, was nominated for a Grammy; and he is currently developing a new animation series with Fox.

I’m a big fan of Patton’s work, I enjoyed his book Zombie Spaceship Wasteland, and I really like his stand-up. Patton’s witty and sarcastic view on pop culture and society is always hilarious.

That’s why I was disappointed to find out that Patton would be appearing on one of the most lazy and stupid shows on TV: Two and a Half Men.


Although Two and a Half Men has a large audience, around 15 million viewers per episode, it is widely disliked by critics and people with a brain that are not going through a mid-life crisis. Two and a Half Men is, and always was, a lazy, uncreative show with one dimensional characters, recycled jokes, and recycled plot lines.

Throughout nine seasons of Two and a Half Men, you have never seen a character grow or develop. Jake is still dumb, Alan is broke and hopeless with women, Charlie had sex with beautiful women and had no responsibilities, and Ashton Kutcher’s character has sex with beautiful women and is depressed sometimes.

Sure the characters might go on new adventures and have new relationships, but at the end of the day they are the still the same people. Men will never develop their characters because they are too lazy to do so. They have a system that works and they repeat similar plot lines and jokes over and over because it works for them.

Why take time evolving your characters when you can just write poop jokes?

But what I just said above wouldn’t really matter if the show was actually funny. 30 Rock‘s characters haven’t changed too much, but no one cares because the show is hilarious. But if you think about it, Two and a Half Men isn’t very funny. The show is very predictable. You can predict the punchlines of the jokes and how each episode is going to end. Worst of all the show has a laugh track, which is so annoying it can make any show unwatchable.

Episodes of the show are so basic and uncreative that I bet I can rattle off possible episodes plots off the top of my head that Men can use in the future.

  • Alan has a big date planed, but Jake clogs the toilet so bad that he has to spend all night unclogging the toilet. Walden meets up with what was supposed to be Alan’s date by accident and has sex with her.
  • Jake is struggling in school, Alan is now mad because he has to pay for a tutor. Alan and Walden have a parent-teacher conference with his teacher who turns out to be super hot (surprisingly). Then Walden has sex with the teacher.
  • Alan is short on cash so he has to get a embarrassing job and women laugh at him when they see him. Walden has sex with a woman. Jake tries to burp and fart at the same time, but because of some bad chili he ate earlier, he ends up throwing up and having diarrhea all over the floor. Berta walks by and says, “I am not cleaning that up.”
  • Jake clogs the toilet so bad that the house has to be evacuated and the gang has to live in a hotel. Alan can’t afford it so takes a job as a waiter or something stupid. Walden is depressed about his ex-wife leaving him, then he realizes he is Ashton Kutcher and has a three-way.

These are gold. “Only if gold would come out of Jake’s butt, then we would be rich.” Another terrible joke that Two and a Half Men could use! Chuck Lorre should really consider hiring me.

You might be wondering: if Two and a Half Men is so bad, then why do so many people watch it? It’s because it is every 35-55 year old man’s dream to be Charlie Sheen’s or Ashton Kutcher’s character. Think about it. You’re handsome, rich, single, you have no kids, you have no responsibilities, and of course, you have sex with beautiful women. Plus your younger brother is a dope, which boosts your already inflated ego.

When they watch this show it is almost like they are watching their own selfish dream develop right in front of them.

That is why I am disappointed to see Patton appear on this show. Although it is Patton’s career and he can make his own decisions, he his is better than Two and a Half Men. It’s sort of like if Bon Iver played with Nickelback.

Hopefully this is a one time thing and Patton moves to bigger and better things.


  1. this is probably the worst article I have ever read! And no, Chuck Lorre would never even think of hiring you so don’t you worry about that. I am loving the new two and a half men. That’s all that matters to me.

  2. Did you see the show? It would be nice for an update on some specifics on Patton’s character. Either way you got your main point correct. Two and a Half Men is a horrible show. Based on the handful of episodes I’ve started watching but could never finish them out because they sucked so bad. 

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