Jay Cutler Dominates: Are You Suffering From Jay Cutler Deficiency Disorder? I Am…

These past four weeks have been absolutely terrible if you’re an avid Jay Cutler fan like myself.

Not only has the “great one” been sidelined with a very serious and dangerous thumb injury that could have cost Cutler his life (or at least his ability to give his fiancee Kristen Cavallari thumbs up or thumbs down on potential outfits), but the Bears, while still remaining the greatest team in the NFL, have dropped four straight and will most likely miss the playoffs.

This had me feeling really blue for the past few weeks, and after the Bears’ loss to the Seahwawks last Sunday, I went to the doctors’ office to see what was wrong. The doctor said it was quite clear what I had: Jay Cutler Deficiency Disorder.

The doctor said “The lack of Jay Cutler’s presence on the field has put you into a what is called a ‘Cutty come back’ depression. I’ve seen a lot of cases like yours in the past few weeks. People come here and think the world is over. Most recover, but some never forgive Cutler for putting them through this.”

Symptoms include:

  • Constantly asking why Cutler had to get hurt.
  • Continued feelings of hopelessness.
  • Blaming Caleb Hanie for everything that goes wrong.
  • Random outbursts of curse words directed at the TV.
  • Threatening to never watch “those idiots” again.

I said “Thanks doc, but is there anything you could give me to make me feel better in the meantime?”

He then proceeded to hand me a videotape and told me to watch it whenever I started feeling really blue again. I drove home and immediately put in the tape. It was this seasons’ collection of every Jay Cutler pass, from the  touchdown passes to Dane Sanzenbacher, to the domination of the Green Packers (those losers finally lost a game!), to the telling of Mike Martz to “F**k off.”

It was great. I had finally gotten my fix of Cutler that I had been void of for so long. Then I realized: as long as Jay Cutler dominates, there’s a reason to wake up every morning.

 

 



About Tyler Juranovich

Tyler Juranovich is an Indiana native, a Ball State student, and a senior writer for MSF, where he's been writing about Chicago sports since 2009. His favorite teams are the Chicago Blackhawks and Bears. He's also a lover of reading, music, and movies. Follow him on Twitter (@tylerjuranovich) or email him at tyler.juranovich@gmail.com

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