Week 7 was truly one of the epic weeks of Suck 4 Luckness. Not only have three teams clearly separated themselves from the pack, but they are doing so with a breathtaking level of suckitude that would make Donald Sterling cream in his pants.

And speaking of that Cable Guy-euphemism…how did the object of everyone’s suckaffection do this week? Eh, so so.

Andrew Luck’s 4th-ranked Stanford Cardinal eeked out a 65-21 victory over then-25th ranked Washington. Luck was a Krenzelesque 16-21 for 169 yards and two TDs. Obviously the yardage and TD totals are thoroughly disappointing, but at least he improved his shaky 70+ completion percentage to a now-respectable 71.8%.

The real star of the game was the Cardinal rushing attack, which featured three players who ran for at least 93 yards. Hey, maybe whoever gets picks two and three in this year’s draft should take a look at Stephan Taylor, Tyler Gaffney, and/or Anthony Wilkerson to shore up their running game…(or not, since taking running backs not named Adrian Peterson early in drafts is dumb, dumb, dumb).

Now that we’ve reviewed the stakes, let’s take our weekly look at how the suckiest of the sucky stack up in the race to suck to the lucky bottom* of this year’s NFL standings.

* – assuming, of course, that the junior Luck actually turns pro. That’s right, he’s still only a junior. Didn’t you know? Wouldn’t it just be so knee-slapping funny if he didn’t after all the commotion about him this season.

Suck 4 Luck Power Rankings: Week 8

1. Miami Dolphins (0-6)

This is not to take anything away from the impressive case that Indianapolis made last night for the #1 spot in these prestigious rankings, but sometimes margin of defeat and margin of suck are not directly correlated.

Unlike many teams that are winless this far into the season, the Dolphins have actually, legitimately outplayed most of their opponents for the majority of their games. If you’ve spent any time watching this team, you know that this amazing statement is true. To continue losing while outplaying teams, in some respects, is more pathetic than just straight up sucking…like the Rams. (More on that steaming batch of suck in a minute.)

Yesterday, the Dolphins became the first team since the merger to lose a game in which they were up by 15 or more points with three minutes or less to play in regulation. And they lost to a team that was being led by some of the worst quarterback play I’ve ever seen. I’m on record as liking and supporting Tim Tebow’s NFL chances, but there is no other way to describe his play through 55 minutes yesterday than the following sentence. Up until Denver’s improbable comeback, I could have dropped a deuce in a brown paper sack, lit it on fire, and set it on someone’s porch, and bystanders (even the owner of the house on whose porch the turd sack was flaming) would have had a hard time deciphering whether that or Tebow was better suited to play QB in the NFL.

Between allowing Tebow to be Good Tebow during those final five minutes, and not recovering an inside kick that was in their hands, and the awful call by Tony Sparano to go for two, and the oh-so-appropriate shots of Stephen Ross chatting up Urban Meyer during the 4th quarter…the smog of suck that engulfed Miami yesterday simply cannot be topped, even though Drew Brees just now threw another TD pass against the Colts.

Speaking of…

2. Indianapolis Colts (0-7)

Congratulations to the Colts, the first team to seven losses in 2011! Round of applause everybody!

Colts fans looking for solace after the Sunday night drubbing in New Orleans (62-7…’nuff said) need to look no further than Jim Caldwell’s post game comments (via PFT).

“I have to take responsibility for our team and the way that they played. We just didn’t play well,” Caldwell said. “I think the guys fought. We didn’t execute well, but I think the effort was good.”

A team loses by 55 points, and the head coach takes responsibility? What a shocking and rare display of leadership by the catatonic Caldwell. That’ll turn some shiz some around!

To celebrate, here is an animated GIF of Caldwell taking responsibility:

Image source: The Scores Report

And be heartened Colts fans: the men who get paid millions to play a game “fought” and “the effort was good.” Whew. Good to know. Both are unexpected positives to take away from last night’s Mardi Gross celebration on Colts Fans Need Borboun Street.

Still, at least the Colts got bludgeoned by a good team. And at least their fans knew it was over within five minutes, rather than the Dolphins, who tricked their fans into thinking they’d get a win against a bad team until five minutes were left in the game.

3. St. Louis Rams (0-6)

The Rams got manhandled by the Cowboys. There is not other way to describe it.

Dallas’ offense had been having trouble running in place this season, let alone forward for positive yardage. Yet, somehow, with backup running rookie DeMarco Murray filling in for the injured Felix Jones, and a bevy of offensive line issues, the Cowboys rushed for damn near 300 yards en route to a 34-7 bitch slap of Steve Spagnuolo’s crew.

I’m not going to come down as hard on the Rams as I am on the Dolphins or Colts though. The Rams will actually be getting their starting QB back soon, plus they were probably still dizzy on Sunday morning from watching Albert Pujols hit homer after homer Saturday night at The Ballpark in Arlington. And the addition of Brandon Lloyd should improve their offense moving forward.

With these teams clearly at the head of the bottom of the class, it’s your turn to tell us who you think is #1:

Who do you think should be #1 in the "Suck 4 Luck" Power Rankings?

• Indianapolis Colts (47%, 302 Votes)
• Miami Dolphins (49%, 319 Votes)
• St. Louis Rams (4%, 27 Votes)

Total Voters: 648

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4. No one

I’m skipping #4, because truly no other NFL team deserves to within a spot of the three teams I’ve already broken down. They are more than just a combined 0-19. They are making it almost a compliment to describe what they are doing as “suck”. We may need a new word for these power rankings, even if it doesn’t rhyme with Luck. Any suggestions?

5. Arizona Cardinals (1-5)

The Cardinals really aren’t that far behind the trisuckverate listed above. If it weren’t for their close Week 1 victory in Cam Newton’s first start, Arizona would be winless and already dreaming of a life that doesn’t so closely resemble Kolb. But they do have some games left against Seattle and St. Louis, so that should net them a victory or two, even if Chris “Porcelain” Wells is injured and can’t play.

6. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-6) (actually 2-5)

Jacksonville and Baltimore play tonight, so technically the Jags’ record after seven games could be 2-5, but I’m confidently chalking the L up for the Jags. Do you trust Blaine Gabbert against Ray Lewis and the Ravens’ defense? Neither do I. The Jags D will likely put up a valiant effort and frustrate Flacco and Co., but it won’t be enough to compensate for the negative points sure to be put up by the offense. Poor Maurice Jones-Drew.

Update: Oops. I had this one wrong. Way to completely lay an egg on national TV Baltimore. And Jacksonville, well to come and play. I’ll humbly accept any and all disparagement that Jags fans want to hurl my way in the comment section.

Oh, and for the record, yes: both the Cards and Jags, despite acquiring “franchise” QBs this past offseason, would draft Andrew Luck. In a heartbeat.

7. Denver Broncos (2-4)

A miracle win over the Miami Dolphins does not impress me. And though I still think that Tebow has a future in the NFL (even if that future may be best served with him being a backup QB…a role which I think he could excel in..but that’s a post for another day), I don’t think it will be in Denver. In fact, according to my sources, oil and water were seen snickering at how poor a mix Tebow and John Fox are.

Broncos fans and Tebow sycophants everywhere need to enjoy what they saw last week and not let it lull them into a false sense of confidence. For myriad reasons, that win simply will not/cannot be duplicated. So unless Tebow makes vast improvements from the pocket, or the Broncos actually do more things during the first 55 minutes of games to play to his strengths, Denver could still be in the running for Luck if the teams above them stumble and bumble their way to a couple of victories.

8 & 9. Seattle Seahawks (2-4) and Cleveland Browns (3-3)

It’s a damn shame anyone had to win this game yesterday, because neither team deserved to. When reached for comment, Lloyd Christmas had this to say:

With as many unilateral decisions as Roger Goodell makes, why can’t he institute a rule that if two teams play as badly as Seattle and Cleveland did yesterday, that the game be declared a double loss? We’d all be better off.

10. Tennessee Titans (3-3)

You may be wondering why Tennessee and its three victories, as well as Cleveland and its three victories, are in the top ten when Minnesota (1-6), Carolina (2-5), and Philadelphia (2-4), among others, are not. Simply put: I have more confidence in those teams to finish with a better record than I do Cleveland or Tennessee based on current trends.

Tennessee was beyond suck yesterday, and the talk has already turned to letting Jake Locker take over, who I think is even less prepared to lead an NFL team than Blaine Gabbert. Just watch: unless Chris Johnson gets up from laying on his pile of money long enough to actually be a competent NFL running back again, the Titans will make a slow, steady climb up these rankings.

Too bad for the Titans they won those games early in the season, as there is no way anyone with more than two wins at season’s end will have a chance at Luck.

Special mention: Kansas City Chiefs (3-3)

The Kansas City Chiefs opened up these Suck 4 Luck Power Rankings at #1, and have made a steady descent to respectability since then. I have to give kudos where kudos are deserved, and Todd Haley, Matt Cassel, and crew deserve major kudos for digging themselves out of an 0-3 hole, despite debilitating injuries. They are now right in the think of the AFC West race.

Let this be a lesson to the Sergeants of Suck disparaged in this post. You’re only a few wins away from having no chance at the most universally respected QB prospect since John Elway.

So keep on sucking. The future of your franchises depends on it.

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What do you think? Which rankings do you agree/disagree with? Who I was too hard/easy on? The comment section patiently awaits your sucky comments.

* – Tony Sparano photo credit: NewHaven.edu

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