NFL Power Rankings Week 5 – “Drunk Girls Alone At The Bar” Edition

I don’t like that NFL teams wear pink during the month of October. I love the idea that they are celebrating Breast Cancer Awareness Month and doing what they can to increase awareness and honor those who have fallen victim to the disease, but I don’t like that they add pink to the uniforms for the whole month.

30 years from now when the next generation of kids are watching highlights from the 2011 season, they will randomly see players wearing pink, and unless the NFL continues this practice forever, they won’t know why. The great thing about highlights from the 60s and 70s is that teams always looked the same. They were the definition of uniform.

Nowadays each team has at least one throwback or alternate uniform that they wear periodically throughout the season. And while they look great, it messes with continuity. I realize that the extra uniforms bring in racks on racks on racks of extra money each season, but they need to do away with it. Teams should be forced to pick one uniform design – one home, one away – and stick with it. If the throwback uniforms are such a hit and look better than the default uniforms, then switch back.

On to the Week 5 Power Rankings.

1. Green Bay Packers 4-0

As a courtesy to both myself and the readers of MSF, I am going to stop writing about the Packers each week until they lose. For now, our resident cheesehead, Amanda Lawson, will be filling this spot. Take it away Amanda.

amanda-lawson-cheesehead

MSF's own Amanda Lawson, in a picture lifted from her Facebook account without permission, sporting her favorite head gear

“Ahhh the Packers. The Green and Gold offense is on fire, and it doesn’t look like they are about to cool down any time soon. All the Aaron Rodgers haters are at a loss for words after his stellar performance on Sunday. The momentum is building and this powerhouse in clearing a path of excellence. I was once told that winning is boring. Losing is so much worse.”

(Note: I was the one who said winning is boring. It’s true. Watching your rival team win all the time is the most boring thing in the world. Thanks Amanda.)

2. Baltimore Ravens 3-1

Can we change Joe “Footsteps” Flacco’s last name to Falco? The way he played on Sunday night is how I imagined Keanu Reeves’ character played in the 1996 Sugar Bowl for Ohio State in The Replacements. I’m also curious to see how well Joe Flacco can throw a metal ball under water.

I can’t believe it has already been 11 years since that movie came out. It was the first movie I bought on DVD. Did you know the players wore Under Armour in the movie and that Roy Anderson played the deaf tight end? Crazy.

3. New Orleans Saints 3-1

The Saints have a legitimate chance at being 15-1 this season, or at least 13-3. They have a solid history against the teams in their own division over the past few years, and their toughest non-division game lies at home against Detroit in Week 13, and who knows what kind of shape Matt Stafford will be in by then. Do I think they are going to go 15-1? No. But their schedule says they could.

4. Detroit Lions 4-0

Too bad the Lions don’t have any real fans who could provide actual content and opinions about them on this site. HAH! TAKE THAT DETROIT!

I hate Detroit sports, but I love their music.

5. New England Patriots 3-1

What would be the football equivalent of the 2011 Red Sox collapse you ask? How could it happen to the 2011 Patriots? I actually know the answer to this: the 2003 Minnesota Vikings.

That team started the season 6-0, went 3-7 to finish the year, and got knocked out of the playoffs on a last second, fourth down touchdown by Nate Poole of the Arizona Cardinals.

Make it happen sports gods.

6. Houston Texans 3-1

A win over the Steelers is an important win for a team looking to prove to everyone that they should be mentioned among the leagues best, but realistically they should have won by about four touchdowns. At least Arian Foster looks like he’s healthy again. Good for the Texans, bad for the AFC South.

7. San Diego Chargers 3-1

This is the most frustrating team ever. Number one overall offense and defense last year and didn’t make the playoffs. Have all of this talent and such a “high powered offense”, and yet they can’t seem to pull away from bad teams like Minnesota, Kansas City and Miami. Even though they are sitting at seven this week, I am down on this team.

8. Tampa Bay Buccaneers 3-1

What is that? Vikings fan? Me? Who told you that? No no no no no. When I was a kid I owned a Warrick Dunn jersey and had one of those Tampa Bay Buccaneers pullover Starter jackets. When I played football, I pretended I was John Lynch. Mike Alstott ranks only behind Leroy Hoard as the NFL’s greatest fullback ever. Hell, I even wrote about Josh Freeman being league MVP. I even mentioned it last week too. I’m a Buccaneers fan dammit! HAIL BUCCANEERS!!!

My “analytic take” on the Buccaneers after Week 4: they are going to have an ugly October. Mixing pink with their team colors? Gross. It just doesn’t work. Down right ugly if you ask me.

9. Buffalo Bills 3-1

Was the last second loss to the Bengals a product of fatigue following two emotional, late game wins against Oakland and New England or a sign of what they really are – a run-of-the-mill overachieving team coming back down to Earth?

10. New York Giants 3-1

How crazy is this Victor Cruz story line?

Last year the guy catches three spectacular touchdowns in one preseason game and is all anyone can talk about for two weeks, then he contributes zero production to the Giants last year. Now all of a sudden he reappears last week when he made two Eagle defenders smash into each other en route to a long touchdown, and then this week he somehow gets away with blatantly fumbling the ball and allows the Giants to win another close game. I can’t wait to see what comes next with this guy.

11. Washington Redskins 3-1

I didn’t watch the Redskins game this weekend because I like to watch good football (Vikings games don’t count, I have to watch those), but I can’t imagine that they look good wearing pink either. I love the gold pants though, those things are classic.

That win helped mask the fact that Rex Grossman looked like Rex Grossman again. Sorry Redskins fans.

12. Chicago Bears 2-2

The Bears and Lions play each other on Monday Night Football this week. To celebrate, I would just like to remind you all that instead of Tyler Juranovich gushing about how much Jay Cutler dominates on a weekly basis, we’ll also get Jon Gruden obsessively talking about how “gritty” and “gutty” and “drunk looking” he is for three hours. I’m so glad I watch MNF on mute.

13. Tennessee Titans 3-1

Chris Johnson finally rushed for over 100 yards in a game and the Titans are surprisingly tied for first place in the AFC South. Unfortunately they have played teams that would probably struggle against Big Ten teams this year, excluding the Ravens of course. Not sure how that one happened. Actually, I do. “Footsteps” Flacco happened. Expect them to slip once they play some legitimate teams.

14. San Francisco 49ers 3-1

Maybe this actually is a good team? Or is Philadelphia really just struggling that much? Alex Smith is looking kind of good so far. By that I mean for Alex Smith’s standards, which is basically slightly above average. At least he’s a better option right now than Donovan McNabb.

15. Oakland Raiders 2-2

Before this past weekend I thought the Raiders would be able to beat the Patriots at home and make a legitimate run to win the AFC West. Even with the loss, and boy was it ugly, I still think they can win the division. The NFL is just better when the Raiders are winning.

16. New York Jets 2-2

I know you are all expecting some sort of Rex Ryan or Mark Sanchez joke, but I’ve got nothing. I’ve got Antonio Cromartie jokes, but that is for next week.

17. Atlanta Falcons 2-2

The best part of the Falcons being a middle of the pack team this year? Room for my Buccaneers to make the playoffs!

18. Pittsburgh Steelers 2-2

The best part of the Steelers being a middle of the pack team this year? Potential room for the Bills to make the playoffs!

19. Dallas Cowboys 2-2

For as much as I am sick of hearing about Tony Romo and his ability to not win a close game, I will never get sick of watching him blow a late lead. It’s a real Catch 22. I hate the Cowboys but love when they lose and cause pain to their “fans”. I realize that is mean to say, and I have a few friends who are Cowboys fans, but that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

20. Philadelphia Eagles 1-3

For all you college football experts, is Robert Griffin III a better version of Vince Young? Maybe he IS Vince Young, because seriously, has anyone seen him? At all? Where the hell did he go?

21. Cincinnati Bengals 2-2

Dalton to Green has produced 312 yards and three touchdowns already in four weeks and the Bengals are .500. Who said rookies can’t produce?

On a completely unrelated note, 21 years into my life and I still can’t spell Cincinnati correctly on the first try. I don’t think I’ll ever learn. I also can’t say “polish sausage” correctly. Is that just me, or is the “sh” suffix impossible to say when it precedes a word that starts with an “s”? Might just be one of those mental block things.

22. Cleveland Browns 2-2

They got an absolute butt kicking at home against the Titans on Sunday, but maybe that’s what they need. Young teams need to get the shit beat out of them every once and a while. Too much of a good thing can lead to destruction under pressure. Then again, too much of a bad thing, in this case ass kickings at home, can be discouraging to a young team. You want young teams to learn tough lessons and build on them, not learn tough lessons and get used to them.

Regardless, they still have one of the best jerseys in the league. Alas, they join Washington and Tampa Bay in the “not looking good in pink” category. You ever see someone walk around wearing brown, orange and pink? No. There’s a reason for that.

23. Arizona Cardinals 1-3

While not really in the running to be a sleeper team in 2011 anymore, they still have a chance to be a playoff team thanks to their shitty division. Who would have thunk it right? (Hint: me)

24. Carolina Panthers 1-3

Am I the only one who is glad we don’t have to talk about Cam Newton anymore? Is he doing a great job in Carolina? Absolutely. I love that he has resurrected Steve Smith’s career, but I want to see him win more than one game before he takes up half of my sports talk radio segments. Wins > passing yards.

25. Seattle Seahawks 1-3

Never again do I want to see that Tarvaris Jackson has over 300 yards passing and three touchdowns and instantly wish that my football team had him at the helm. It’s a terrible feeling. I wish it upon no one.

26. Kansas City Chiefs 1-3

The Chiefs got knocked around pretty hard in the first two weeks of the season, but I’ll give them credit. They have played a pretty solid last six quarters. I think what we’ve learned from Kansas City this year is what positions in the NFL are the most important. Obviously a competent quarterback and above average/Pro Bowl wide receiver are higher on the priority list than running back. And are 4-3 defensive ends/3-4 outside linebackers more important than an all-pro safety? Discuss.

27. St. Louis Rams 0-4

Ugh. I thought this team was supposed to be fun to watch this year. Even I could get past the Rams offensive line right now, and I have asthma and an ingrown toenail. And yes, that is the lamest excuse you will hear from anyone as to why they are out of shape, but hey, I don’t care. It is what it is.

28. Jacksonville Jaguars 1-3

How did Jacksonville get two Monday Night Football games this year? Were they good last year and I just missed it? And speaking of Jacksonville, why is the abbreviation JAX? There is no “x” in Jacksonville. It never fails to confuse me when I have to spell out Jacksonville. I propose a vote to change it to JAC.

29. Denver Broncos 1-3

Roger Goodell should implement a rule that if the Broncos are going to draft Andrew Luck in the 2012 draft, they have to go back to the Orange Crush jerseys and logo. He should also probably check Knowshon Moreno’s water bottle.

drunk-girl-power-rankings30. Minnesota Vikings 0-4

The Minnesota Vikings spot in these rankings will be reserved for non-Vikings thoughts for the rest of the year because I have nothing left to say about this team. This week: drunk girls alone at the bar.

On Friday night a group of my friends went out to the bar and saw a relatively attractive girl (so it seemed at the time, turned out she really wasn’t) drinking by herself at the bar. It was 7pm so we figured she had just got there and was waiting for her friends. Then it got to be 8pm and she was still alone. We were a little drunk at by then ($.30 beers go down so smooth, you guys) and we figured it would be a good time to go learn this girl’s story. Just as we were about to approach her, she reached out, grabbed a random dude’s ass, then stood up to walk and almost fell over taking a right hand turn. I’ve never sat back down in my seat so fast.

Drunk girl then went out to the dance floor and proceeded to get jiggy with it. By herself. At 8:30pm. I am not exaggerating when I say that the entire bar stopped what they were doing, stood up, and watched her dance. The bar full of attention only added fuel to the fire. Bravo lonely drunk lady, you had us all at your fingertips. She was loving it, and so were we, but for a completely different reason.

Lesson learned. Lonely drunk girls are probably drunk and alone for a reason.

31. Miami Dolphins 0-4

Serious question. What kind of pizza would it take for Miami to trade Reggie Bush away in real life? My guess is either Hawaiian or Meat Lovers. Though if it gets too close to the trade deadline, I’m sure they would settle for pepperoni. Everyone loves pepperoni pizza.

32. Indianapolis Colts 0-4

I want to see Peyton Manning on my TV for only two reasons: playing football and doing funny things on SNL. Not cheering in a press box while Curtis Painter is playing quarterback.

Oh, and then there is this from last night in case you all missed it. Ow. Get well soon.

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[Editor's note: If you can't get enough of Power Rankings, don't forget to check out this week's "Suck 4 Luck" Power Rankings, which handicaps the NFL's race to the bottom in 2011.]



About Drew Lange

Drew is a student at North Dakota State University in Fargo, ND. He is a life long Vikings fan and distracts himself from their futility by watching a lot of TV and listening to a lot of music, even though his parents don't understand the appeal. Follow on twitter (@drewlange) or send an email to d.lange9@gmail.com

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    Duck and Cover Bears fans!!!!!!!! Megatron is coming!

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