NFL “Suck 4 Luck” Power Rankings: Week 5

Update: The complete NFL Week 5 Power Rankings are now posted. In this “Drunk Girls Alone At The Bar” Edition, Drew Lange ranks every team from 1-32, explains his reasoning for not liking teams adding pink to their uniforms during October, and provides useful advice about, well, drunk girls alone at bars.

Another week of football players on football teams playing National Football League football games is in the books*, which means that it’s time to assess the carnage and see which teams are now best positioned in the yearlong “Suck 4 Luck” Sweepstakes.

And just in case you’ve forgotten why everyone is making a big deal about Andrew Luck, just watch this video.

Yes, that was quarterback Andrew Luck easily morphing himself into a badass wide receiver. It immediately reminded me, and probably you too, of this classic Luck clip:


So for the record, that makes Luck a combination of Aaron Rodgers, Brian Urlacher, and Calvin Johnson.

And that is why fans won’t be quite so disappointed if their team sucks enough to get this guy in the 2012 draft. Short-term sacrifice for long-term gain would be the way to look at it.

So let’s take a closer look at how the teams are position in this week’s Suck For Luck Power Rankings:


1. Indianapolis Colts 0-4

With the Chiefs’ victory over the winless Vikings yesterday, the Colts move into the top spot. While my lifelong curse of being a Dolphins fan means I desperately want Miami to get the #1 pick, the objective football fan in me wants to see it go to the Colts for the mere fact that it would be fascinating to see what they’d do with it if Peyton Manning is given a clean bill of health. Not that Colts fans deserve another franchise QB, but that’s a topic for another article.

2. Miami Dolphins 0-4

And speaking of a fan base that doesn’t deserve another franchise QB…

Miami continues to lose and it looks like Tony Sparano might not make it through the entire season. It’s shocking that installing Reggie Bush as your everydown back didn’t lead to an offensive renaissance for Miami, but it’s not like they had a precedent to learn from.

3. Kansas City Chiefs 1-3

Now here is a fan base that does deserve a franchise QB. Matt Cassel is a nice player, and he loves his fig newtons, but he’s no franchise QB. A franchise QB can help guide a team through the awful injuries the Chiefs have endured this year. Cassel can’t. I just hope that if the Chiefs get luck they pair him with a real head coach.

4. Denver Broncos 1-3

This team’s roster is stocked with quarterbacks. They have a solid veteran in Kyle Orton who can win if the team around him is solid, and they have two former college phenoms and 1st round picks in Brady Quinn and Tim Tebow. Yet, they really have no quarterback at all. You have to think Tim Tebow will get to play at some point, and while I think he’ll do a decent job he isn’t going to make this ragtag bunch a winner. They are a definite contender in this race.

5. Seattle Seahawks 1-3

A valiant effort against the Falcons, but it came up just short. The Seahawks being in the NFC West, which means they could stumble into a win or two, could actually hurt them in the only standings that matter. (These.)

6. Minnesota Vikings 0-4

The Vikings are terrible, but I keep them low in these rankings because a) they still have the talent to start pulling out some wins at some point (right? RIGHT?) and b) they drafted a QB in the first round last year, which lessens the likelihood of them taking Luck.

7. Jacksonville Jaguars 1-3

The Jags are terrible, and Blaine Gabbert is no Cam Newton. Still, they spent a high pick on him, so they likely wouldn’t take Luck either, and I think they can get enough wins for it not to be a question.

8. St. Louis Rams 0-4

Yes, I realize that the Rams continue to lose and look awful doing so, but I’m not changing my tune on this team…yet. I think they’ll pick up some wins during the second half of the season when the schedule lightens up and the offense gels a bit. They also already have a franchise QB in Sam Bradford.

9. Arizona Cardinals 1-3

Kevin Kolb has five touchdowns and four INTs through four games. People are disappointed in this, but it’s right on par with the 11:10 career touchdown to INT ratio he entered the season with. Like the Seahawks, Arizona might stumble into some victories being the NFC West, but I don’t think it’s out of the question that they’d grab Luck if they had the chance, thanks to the significantly lessened amount of money the new CBA grants to top picks.

10. Philadelphia Eagles 1-3

Who would have ever thought the Eagles would make their way onto this list? But when you are 1-3, look awful, and lose a 17-point lead to Alex Smith at home, you get tossed into the bottom third of the league. And yes, I think they’d take Luck in a heartbeat, even after signing Vick, and they’d be smart to do so. The only problem is that The Linc – hell, the entire city – might get firebombed by irate Philly fans if they continue to lose enough games to actually have a chance at him.

Remember to also check out With Leather’s Suck for Luck Power Rankings as well.


* – This post is being written Monday at approximately 10:30 am, well before the Bucs-Colts MNF game has even started; but yes, I’m already assuming an L for Indy. Curtis Painter starting + being on the road + potential for huge emotional letdown after last week’s loss + the Caldwell factor = 0.001% of winning. If Indianapolis somehow wins tonight, I’ll update this post and do something to publicly humiliate myself for being such a jackwagon. (I’m not too scared…)

About Jerod Morris

I love words. I write for Copyblogger and founded MSF, The Assembly Call, & Primility. I practice yoga, eat well, & strive for balance. I love life. Namaste. Say hi on Twitter, Facebook, & G+.


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