Welcome to the Week One recap of the Midwest Sports Fans Fantasy Football League!
As a way to build unity and for Jerod to (somewhat legally) take money out of our paychecks, we started up a 14-team league. Teams were selected through an auction draft, a first for a majority of us in the league, which will become crystal clear when you look at our teams.
First, a rundown of the teams in each division. Why Jerod got lazy and went with Division 1 and Division 2 is beyond me. I’m surprised they weren’t named after Dan Dakich and Calbert Cheaney. [Editor's Note: Done.]
Division 1
BSU Cardinals – Tyler Juranovich
Bottoms Line – Andy Bottoms
Western U. Dolphins – Keith Mullett
TheSportsMuse – Brian Dilsheimer
Taste Dwayne Bowe – Jon Washburn
#Plushdamentals – Chris Callaway
My Brother Cooks – Josh Morris
Division 2
Chad Henne Dominates – Jerod Morris
FloridasFinest – Kevin Luljack
THE FLASH MOB – ____________
K-Federation – Pat Suley
Believeland Browns – Steve Kubitza
Ponder’s Porn Palace – Drew Lange
Kosar Soze – Brandon Onda
I have absolutely no clue who owns THE FLASH MOB. I don’t even care. I like it better not knowing. I hope I never know and no one steps up.
Jerod’s original team name was “Jay Cutler Dominates”, a running joke on the website. He picked up Chad Henne for $1 very early in our draft; something only he thought was funny. After Monday night, he’s still the only one laughing. Here is his explanation for the name change, as posted to our comment section.
Subject: Chad F’ing Henne
For all the haters out there, I hope you saw what Chad Henne did last night. Hence my team name change.
Don’t mess with Henne.
(Full disclosure: I had him on my bench. Luckily I won anyway!)
Also, you might not recognize the name Josh Morris, which makes sense because he doesn’t even write for the website. It is Jerod’s younger brother. No need to worry about him.
Here are the two of them this past weekend in Chicago, immediately after taking a couple of tequila shots to celebrate Josh’s 21st birthday:
Week 1 Final Scores
FloridasFinest defeats Ponder’s Porn Palace 109.44 – 72.18
Yes everyone, I lost to the guy who spent $35 on the Packers D/ST, has John Kuhn, Josh Cribbs, and Peyton Manning on his roster, and started Colt McCoy. Going into Monday night, I had the least amount of points but thankfully Darren McFadden pulled me slightly ahead of Brandon Onda and out of last place! I’ll make sure to start a kicker next time and avoid Mike Sims-Walker for a while.
Bottoms Line defeats Taste Dwayne Bowe 117.82 -110.36
Thank God that we only start one QB each week, as Jon has both Tony Romo and Cam Newton on his roster. In fact after Sunday afternoon, Jon announced he was willing to trade Cam Newton for a top five running back or wide receiver. I really really really really hope someone bites and makes this trade. I bet we could convince Luljack into making some sort of deal.
When I asked Bottoms for his comments this week he came back with “Eff you Rashard Mendenhall” and “Tom Brady is dreamy”. I’ll take Mendenhall of your hands. Let’s talk Andy.
Chad Henne Dominates defeats K-Federation 115.96 – 96.78
Jerod started two Ravens (Flacco and Boldin) and two Giants receivers (Manningham and Nicks) this week. Other than Ray Rice, aren’t the Ravens notoriously an anti-fantasy football team? Good thing he doesn’t have a sneaky QB on his roster like Chad Henne…
Speaking of the Ravens, their D/ST is the reason the world’s only fantasy football team named after Kevin Federline wasn’t in last place this week. Maybe Chad Ochocinco and Lance Hendricks aren’t quite starting material.
Western U. Dolphins defeats #Plushdamentals 116.54 – 109.46
I keep staring at the #Plushdamentals team and wonder how good it would really be if it weren’t for Monterio Hardesty and something called Jared Cook. I don’t even know what team Cook plays for. I can’t wait to see how this team fares next week. Tim Hightower and Mike Tolbert aren’t exactly fantasy gold.
One question: What the hell does Plushdamentals mean? Bravo for having the only fantasy team name as a hashtag. I’m awarding you 300 of those fake points from Whose Line is it Anyway.
As for Mullet’s team? Shit. That thing looks scary. And that doesn’t even include the bloody Andrew WK picture. Here is your early season favorite. Place your bets accordingly.
BSU Cardinals defeats My Brother Cooks 124.50 – 102.16
I am pleased to present Tyler with two awards this week. First, I award him the trophy for “Worst Fantasy Team Name”. Who names their team after the college they attend? If you are naming your team after Ball State, at least make it a Jason Whitlock joke. Or throw in the word porn, that’s always fun.
Second trophy is the “I only won my week and am in first place because of the flukiest play in professional sports” award. Congratulations on having Wes Welker this week. Enjoy having him in a non-PPR league. Might as well have Mike Sims-Walker.
THE FLASH MOB defeats Kosar Soze 97.30 – 71.30
Statistically the worst matchup of the week, which is slightly impressive considering THE FLASH MOB is apparently owned by no one. There is no name listed next to the team. The least this person could have done was set their profile picture as a pair of boobs. It would really give the team that little something extra it is missing. Like an actual owner.
I would also like to thank Brandon from saving me this week. I don’t want to imagine how this recap would have turned out if I was in dead last. There would be a lot of swearing and pictures of homemade effigies of Mike Sims-Walker and Dwayne Bowe.
TheSportsMuse defeats Believeland Browns 111.16 – 79.08
Steve ended up starting the only position player this week to receive negative points, Jacoby Ford. He also has Ben Watson on his team, who I could have sworn retired seven years ago. He’s the exact opposite of Kellen Moore, who has been in college since 1999.
Who would have thought Pittsburgh’s defense would put up negative points, especially against the Ravens? Hopefully that happens every week. Sorry, Muse.
Week One Standings
Division 1
BSU Cardinals 1-0 124.50 points
Bottoms Line 1-0 117.82 points
Western U. Dolphins 1-0 116.54 points
TheSportsMuse 1-0 111.16 points
Taste Dwayne Bowe 0-1 110.36 points
#Plushdamentals 0-1 109.46 points
My Brother Cooks 0-1 102.16
Division 2
Chad Henne Dominates 1-0 115.96 points
FloridasFinest 1-0 109.44 points
THE FLASH MOB 1-0 97.30 points
K-Federation 0-1 96.78 points
Believeland Browns 0-1 79.08 points
Ponder’s Porn Palace 0-1 72.18 points
Kosar Soze 0-1 71.30 points
As you can tell, Division 2 really shit the bed this week. The four lowest scoring teams came from the division and four of the five top scoring teams are in Division 1. At this point Division 1 is the almighty NFC North and Division 2 is the AFC South. I’m sure there is a way to make an Indiana basketball joke here, but I’ll let the commenters take care of that. Bob Knight and Mike Davis divisions?
So there you have it, week one of the MSF fantasy league. Owner’s comments are down below. Pot shots at Jerod are mandatory.
About Drew Lange
