March Madness 2011: Anthony Bourdain Breaks Down the 2nd/3rd Round Tournament Sites

Anthony Bourdain is awesome. As host of Travel Channel’s Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations, Bourdain spans the globe — you may know this already — eating, drinking, and uncovering the cultures and histories of anyone he comes in contact with, in a form all his own.

The NCAA Tournament, March Madness 2011, officially (if you’re like me and just kind of ignored that First Four stuff) starts today, with the second and third rounds being hosted by eight cities around the country. Anthony Bourdain may or may not have passed through all of these cities during his adventures, I don’t know for sure. Either way, here’s what he may have said about each host city, in a sentence or two, had someone asked.

bourdain

Photo via http://www.raintaxi.com/online/2003summer/bourdain.shtml

Denver, Colorado.

-Bourdain: “Ah, Denver. When the chest-burning high altitude — made no easier to withstand from cutting the filters off my Marlboro Reds for all those years — finally singes the last cilia in my right lung, at least there’s always a cozy fire in a log cabin ski resort serving dark and heavy locally brewed beer close nearby.”

Tampa, Florida.

-“Tampa is a hodge-podge of chain restaurants with blinking neon signs, nostalgic artifacts from an America few recognize hanging on their walls and the always-conspicuous “Grande Nachos Con Everything,” with all the sunshine, easy-access beaches, and spring training ballparks that make it the haven for fanny-pack wearing tourists looking for a vacation right down the beaten path.”

Tucson, Arizona.

-“In Tucson, there is more than meets the eye. A melting pot in the desert that does not stray too close to either the get-off-my-lawn condo life or the beer-bong, tequila-infused oasis for college students. The wandering salamander, grilled with mesquite seasoning over an open oil drum, is surprisingly delightful.”

Washington, D.C.

-“Our nation’s capital is home to a vibrant counter-culture, a few streets and back-alleys removed from the colorful bunting of the political world, with cafes, restaurants and cuisine of all kinds intermingling to form a living, breathing city far away from our elected officials, who sometimes seem to have more in common with the concrete I’m walking over than this energized city when it comes to liveliness.”

Charlotte, North Carolina.

-“If you’re in Charlotte and you’re not eating barbecue, we can probably no longer be friends.”

Chicago, Illinois.

-“Chicago is a city so rich in food and variety and yet, always seems to be having to defend itself against the likes of New York when it comes to quintessential American cities. I’m here to tell you that at the heart of Chicago is what everyone loves about the Midwest: Endless flowing beer and meat in tube form. Those right there pass any great city test for me.”

Cleveland, Ohio.

-“There may be no greater underdog city than Cleveland, which is of course why I am so drawn to it. It is the city’s rugged, beat-down-but-always-coming-back-for-more attitude, it’s staring down of every hardship with the same “We’ll get ’em tomorrow” response and a reminder that there is almost nothing that a cold beer in a warm, crowded bar in the middle of February can’t fix, at least for the time being.”

Tulsa, Oklahoma.

-“When you talk about Tulsa, you’re probably talking about oil. Lots and lots of oil. But away from its most famous industry, Tulsa is hellbent on changing its perception nationwide. Oh yes, aside from just being known as the land of oil, Tulsa is striving to step its way onto the stage of great American line dancing cities. If you know me, this isn’t exactly getting off on the right foot.”

———-

While Mr. Bourdain didn’t actually say these things (this is obvious, I presume), I want to note that this was done as an homage of sorts. A very, very crappy homage.

Enjoy these first two rounds. Because they are the first two rounds, no matter what.

Email: griffin@midwestsportsfans.com



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