Lance Armstrong, “Lost Balls”, and a quick piece of unsolicited advice

Earlier today while making my morning perusal of Reddit, I came across this picture.

Even if you only follow sports peripherally – hell, even if you just follow pop culture – I’m sure you can appreciate the appropriate chuckle-to-yourself juxtaposition of these two books.

Immediately I knew that this image would provide the raw material from whence my first demotivational poster would emanate. So I hopped on over here and took a stab at making one. Here you go:

Sense-of-Humor-demotivational-poster-lance-armstrong-tiger-woods

Anyone have any better/funnier ideas for what the title/description of this poster could be? I’ll go make and post the best ones I see in the comments.

And to whoever was a) is in charge of organizing the layout of books at this mystery bookstore; and, b) whoever saw this, took a picture of it, and posted it on the Internet: kudos to you. He’ll never say it publicly, but Al Gore created the Internet so we could all chuckle at things like this. Thanks for doing your part.

Oh, and Lance…quick piece of advice: just come clean dude.

Note: All speculation included below is entirely my opinion. In fairness, Lance has never been proven to have used PEDs or failed a test. That said, I stopped giving athletes the benefit of the doubt a long time ago. So, just to be clear, this advice is for Lance if he actually is guilty of doping, for which there is no definitive proof yet that he is.

If you did use performance enhancing drugs, which I think everyone but your most dedicated sycophants believes at this point, stop digging yourself into a deeper hole. I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t pretty much give you a pass if you came out and said the following:

All my life I’ve loved cycling and wanted to be the best at it. Unfortunately, cycling is a sport that has been overrun with performance enhancing drugs and blood transfusions; so much so that’s it nearly impossible to compete cleanly. Rather than be a leader, I became a follower, and it’s a decision that – while not without its benefits for myself and others – that I now regret. When I was diagnosed with cancer I saw my opportunity to be a champion flash before my eyes. I also saw an opportunity to inspire millions of people across the globe…but I had to become a champion to do it. So I gave into the pressure of my sport, the pressure of my own ambition, and the pressure of the people who ultimately became inspired by me. I couldn’t let myself or them down, and there was only one way to do that in the sport I’m in: to cheat. And I did. And it was wrong. And I’m sorry.

Obviously you would want it to be more eloquent than a paragraph I slapped together in 90 seconds, but you get the idea.

lance-armstrong-livestrong

Image source: ATwistedSpoke.com

Be honest and contrite. Sports fans are not idiots. We’re people. We get it. Yes, our words can sometimes be insufferably self-righteous, but many of us probably would have done the exact same thing in your situation…and we know it. That allows us to empathize, which many of us would do especially in your case.

Mark McGwire didn’t overcome cancer or inspire millions to people in their quest to do the same. He just hit more home runs. Your story is a little more complicated and worthy of forgiveness…which I think you’d get if you respected your fans enough to request it.

You’ve done a lot of great things, both on and off the bike. Sure, your accomplishments will be sullied if/when it comes out with certainty that you cheated, but the damage will be exponentially greater if you prove to be a disingenuous liar and a douche bag too…two roads you seem to travel further down each day. You can mitigate the damage by being honest before you’re forced to in a final act of desperation. Learn from all of the athletes who have come before you.

Remove the “v” from the word on your wristband and it says “Liestrong”. Right now, that’s all you’ve been doing (assuming, you know, that you used). You can really show people how to live strong by being honest and owning up to any and all transgressions.

If you do that, I promise I won’t make any more ball jokes.

And if there aren’t any transgressions, and there really is some trumped up witch hunt to bring you down, then I guess I’ll owe you an apology one of these days. Needless to say, I’m not holding my breath. This would be the most smoke without a fire in world history.

[Editor’s note: For other random but entertaining nonsense like the poster above, visit our friends at I-am-Bored.com.]



About Jerod Morris

I love words. I write for Copyblogger and founded MSF, The Assembly Call, & Primility. I practice yoga, eat well, & strive for balance. I love life. Namaste. Say hi on Twitter, Facebook, & G+.

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