Every time I think ESPN can’t possibly weasel it’s way into another place where it’s not wanted or supposed to be — other examples include: awards shows; primetime free agent “decisions”; and Monday Night Football — I find out that I’m wrong.
Today’s example: BabyNames.com.
That’s right, because a few attention-starved, possibly deranged families decided to curse their children for life by naming them after a cable sports network, BabyNames.com has decided that this suggestion should be made to other parents who are so desperate that they need a website to help them choose a name.
The unfortunate screenshot is below.
Feel free to go search yourself if you don’t believe me.
When you scroll over a name, a small pop up window shows you what the name means, the origin, and whether it’s a boy or girl name. Let’s look at “ESPN” and the two adjacent names for comparison’s sake:
- Esperanza: means “hope”; origin: Spanish; girl’s name
- ESPN: means “Television Sports Network”; origin: American; boy or girl’s name!
- Essence: means “aura, nature”; origin: American; girl’s name
First off, I thought “Obama” meant hope, although I guess Esperanza can share that meaning.
Secondly, “ESPN” is seriously considered a girl’s name? What girl wouldn’t start using prescription drugs and sleeping around in high school if their parents named her “ESPN”?
Thirdly, I love how brazenly honest BabyNames.com is with the meaning of “ESPN”. They just come right out and tell you that if your name is “ESPN” then you are named after a television sports network. Not your dad, not your great grandpa who fought in World War II, not a famous person who did something great, no; you’re named after a television network that employs Skip Bayless and Colin Cowherd.
I guess ESPN can’t really be blamed for this. They aren’t managing the name database for BabyNames.com, so we’ll just have to place the blame on whatever Bermanophile is in charge of adding new names. Parents naming their sons after a cable channel is self-indulgent parenting at its finest. Do we really need to encourage more of it?
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get to the hospital. My son is due today and, if you don’t mind, I’d like to be there when little WGN Morris takes his first breath.