The Scales of Douche: Bryce Harper, Rickie Fowler, and Tate Forcier

I’m in the mood to get a little snarky and vicious this morning.

Why? Well I’m glad you asked; because I’m a White Sox and Indiana basketball fan, that’s why. And if you don’t follow either of those two teams, let me sum up their performance over the last two years in one simple word: suck.

The unfortunate truth is that there really is nothing in my sports life to feel real positive about right now. Thus, the way I see it, why not spend some time cutting down other people to make myself feel better? (Isn’t that why one starts a sports blog in the first place?)

So, to make myself feel better, I am starting a new series today, which may or may not ever be repeated in the future. Using MSF’s own proprietary Scale of Douche, I am going to highlight extreme douchiness in the sports world and weigh it on a scale of Michael Jordan (zero douchiness) to Jay Mariotti (complete douchiness).

Stepping on the Scales of Douche today: Bryce Harper, Rickie Fowler, Tate Forcier, and someone else who you’ll undoubtedly think is deserving.

Bryce Harper

Let’s start with Harper, who has been in the headlines a lot recently.

The 17-year old hitting prodigy was taken 1st overall yesterday in the 2010 MLB draft by the Washington Nationals and is renowned as one of the best power hitting prospects…maybe ever. He’s already been on the cover of Sports Illustrated, has baseball’s most selective and powerful agent (Scott Boras) representing him, and skipped his final two years of high school to play JUCO ball and get a head start on his professional baseball career.

Sounds pretty awesome huh?

It is. But then there’s this:


Image credit: Greg Nelson, SI

Ever since I first saw a story about him on ESPN I’ve wondered what the F is up with the kid’s eye black. The guys on the local Dallas radio station were talking about it this morning and said it looked like his mother than given up halfway through trying to complete his KISS costume for Halloween.

Whatever it is, it looks ridiculous and I have a feeling it will stop pretty soon after he gets to the Minors and gets razzed about it or takes a fastball in the back. Guys who have been grinding in the Minors for 5-6 years probably won’t take too kindly to a 17-year old multi-millionaire who they know will undoubtedly be coddled and pushed through the Minors as quickly as possible.

As for the reports of Harper being a bit of a jerk? I couldn’t care less about that. He’s 17 and dealing with everything mentioned above. How would you have handled that at 17? Sure, he could very well be on his way to becoming some arrogant/angry cross between LeBron James and Barry Bonds, but having such an unusual childhood will create an unusual personality. And we should give him the benefit of the doubt until he’s at least 22-23. We were all idiots before then (and many of us still are).

But the eye black just has douche written all over it. For that alone, Harper gets three Mariottis.

Rickie Fowler

This young golfer is one of the “next big things” on the PGA Tour and is still just 20 years old. To give you an idea of his talent, he is the only freshman ever to be named the NCAA’s Player of the Year.

Unfortunately, to give you an idea of Fowler’s douchiness, one needs only navigate to his personal website. There, you will find gems like this on a page set aside for Fowler’s “Style”:

Rickie’s unique sense of style has brought a refreshing new look on to The Tour with his flare for mixing Puma’s golf clothing line with his always cool under pressure attitude.

The result is a look that has fans and the media wondering what he will wear each day on the course and leaving fans wondering how they can capture a part of this unique look.

rickie-fowler-orangeNow look, I realize that Fowler probably never touches his website and that it’s all his parents, PR people, and manager who craft nonsense copy like what you read above, but that doesn’t change the fact that it comes across as supremely douchy.

I suppose the pre-packaging of athletes who have endorsement potential like Fowler is par for the course (forgive the pun) these days, but count me among those who isn’t a big fan.

Here is more douchetastic copy from

Edgy, non-traditional, yet completely low-key and approachable, Rickie is already well on his way in the world of professional golf. With his than life performances – and belt-buckles – Rickie Fowler is definitely someone to catch… if you can.


Edgy? Really? The guy plays professional golf dressed up like a creamsicle. What exactly is “edgy” about that? Tiger Woods banged porn stars while married. That’s edgy. Dressing up like Layla Kiffin circa 2009 is not edgy.

And is the belt buckle comment really necessary here? And what “larger than life” performances are they talking about? I must have missed those. (Remember, Sergio Garcia was supposed to be a badass too. Where are his “larger than life” performances?)

On the bright side, assuming Fowler has a long, successful, and compelling golf career, which he most likely will, Hollywood already has the actor lined up to play him: Zac Efron. Yeah…that alone has gotta be good for at least a half Mariotti.

Like Harper, Fowler is still really young, so he has time to turn this around. But right now, his turdly home page and ostentatiousness get him five Mariottis.


Tate Forcier

tate-forcierNext up we go to Ann Arbor, but we are not rating Rich Rodriguez in Mariottis on the Scale of Douche. (That would be too easy; hell, I might even have to change the scale to RichRodriguezes.) Rather, we are going to rate Rodriguez’s young QB Tate Forcier, whose up and down freshman season was a perfect microcosm of the struggles the Wolverines have faced over the last couple of years.

So what warrants placing Forcier on the Scales of Douche? This website and specifically this page, which has Forcier’s “media package” (second half of season!!!). And from what I can gather, by “media package” they mean “why Tate Forcier is the greatest high school quarterback ever…no really! 34 Official Offers!”

Among the revelations of Forcier’s media package are that “I currently lead the country with 34 Official offers, which I can substantiate with Official Letters, Coaches Emails and Phone Numbers.” (What he cannot do, apparently, is make proper use of capital letters.) The media package also essentially claims that “college coaches across the USA” lauded Forcier for everything short of inventing the question mark.

I could go on and on. Just go read it for yourself.

Again, the caveats: Forcier is a young kid; his parents probably had more to do with this than he did; he is clearly 1000X the quarterback I ever was (especially if you listen to “college coaches across America”)…but still, I’m not a big fan of people who create their own personal shrine to themselves. It’s exceedingly douchy and, thus, warrants some Marriotis.

By virtue of the fact that Forcier now attends Michigan and will undoubtedly be influenced by some of Rich Rodriguez’s supreme Powers of Douche, Forcier gets seven Mariottis.


Author of This Post

And now, since I am nothing if not self-aware and genuinely self-deprecating, allow me to turn the spotlight on myself. Let’s see here. Over the past hour I’ve…

  • Spent time in Photoshop (though not much) with an image of Jay Mariotti
  • Nitpicked one douchy thing about a kid so good at his sport that he left high school two years early.
  • Ripped on a golfing prodigy for the egregious crimes of having a bad copywriter and wearing orange pants (yes, the color of the pants I’m actually wearing in this picture, if only it went down further. See? I’ll self disclose.).
  • Criticized a pretty good freshman QB from a QB family for something that I’m sure what his parents’ idea and that…you know what? Forget this bullet. That website is complete douchiness no matter how you look at it.

So, for creating a blog post that essentially does nothing but rip on three kids who are much better athletes than I was in even my wildest dreams, whether they are deserving of the ripping or not, how many Mariottis do I get?

I’ll go with six.

Come on…that QBForce website is really lame. I can’t rate myself as more douchy than that without some real self-esteem problems.

Agree? Disagree? The comment section is free for douchecussion below.


* – Rickie Fowler photo credit:

* – Tate Forcier photo credit: Getty Images via NY Post

About Jerod Morris

I love words. I write for Copyblogger and founded MSF, The Assembly Call, & Primility. I practice yoga, eat well, & strive for balance. I love life. Namaste. Say hi on Twitter, Facebook, & G+.


  1. Boiler Fan says:

    Only thing I have to add is that these kids all have arrogant ego streaks that are wider that the Pacific, and I will enjoy watching them get hacked down to size and treated like the bitches that they are…

  2. Love it. Harper should try out for Jersey Shore. He seems like he'd fit in.

  3. I went and watched Harper play last year when he was still at Las Vegas High School and I thought the same thing when I saw him…what in the world is up with that eye black? You know what happened next? The game started and I didn't care anymore because this kid went 3-4 with 2 doubles, stole second and had a delayed steal of home. On defense, I watched him throw a guy out stealing second from his knees.

    My conclusion: He can wear eye pink for all I care.

    • This is a great point. If he keeps hitting like he has been, he could walk up to the plate with no pants on and it wouldn't matter. However, we know that he won't go 3-4 with 2 doubles every game, and in fact will have times when he struggles. He'll also be playing with people who aren't kids anymore. Add all of that up and, while it hasn't mattered in the past, I think his eye black will be a little bit more of an issue for him moving forward. He just may be arrogant enough to not care and keep wearing it (and good enough to wear it ultimately doesn't matter again) but he'll catch some grief for it, especially early on.

    • I don't know how to post without subscribing- this has jack shit to do with your comment DiLo. I didn't read this article. I really wanted to, because it sounded amusing, but I had to stop when I saw that you chose Michael Jordan as the benchmark for Nottadouche.
      You may have seen Space Jam once and gotten confused. That wasn't real. In that movie Michael Jordan proved his acting chops because he looked and sounded like a humble, friendly Superstar who hangs out with Bugs Bunny and saves the world from alien invasion. In real life Michael Jordan is a weapons-grade douchebag, one who hangs out with other rich douchebags on the golf course, makes underwear commercials with Charley Sheen, and wouldn't give a good god damn if aliens took over earth because he owns a spaceship.

      Out of so many choices for genuinely friendly people in sports, you picked a player whom everyone- minus certain Bulls fans, who would join a cult if they didn't have Espn- knows to be a douche. How can I trust your evaluation of other douches if Michael Jordan strikes you as nottadouche? What does it take to make your douche list? Pick any douchey action short of murder and I'll bet Michael Jordan would excel almost everyone in that discipline. He flew one of his high school basketball teammates out to his HOF induction speech, just so he could publicly remind him and his high school coach that it was a mistake to bump Jordan from varsity in favor of that guy. He's a douche.

  4. I'm probably the biggest Harper fan in the country, so naturally, when I saw your column about him being a douche, I was kind of pissed. But your last column about yourself made me laugh so damn hard that I don't care anymore haha. This was probably the funniest thing I've read all week.

  5. This column, now two years old, really shows its age. Thanks for your insight.

  6. Doctor Buttcheeks says:

    Rickie Fowler’s penis is orange as well.

  7. Did you just create your new Facebook page? Do you want your page to look a little more “established”? I found a service that can help you with that. They can send organic and 100% real likes and followers to your social pages and you can try before you buy with their free trial. Their service is completely safe and they send all likes to your page naturally and over time so nobody will suspect that you bought them. Try their service for free here:

  8. Hello Web Admin, I noticed that your On-Page SEO is is missing a few factors, for one you do not use all three H tags in your post, also I notice that you are not using bold or italics properly in your SEO optimization. On-Page SEO means more now than ever since the new Google update: Panda. No longer are backlinks and simply pinging or sending out a RSS feed the key to getting Google PageRank or Alexa Rankings, You now NEED On-Page SEO. So what is good On-Page SEO?First your keyword must appear in the title.Then it must appear in the URL.You have to optimize your keyword and make sure that it has a nice keyword density of 3-5% in your article with relevant LSI (Latent Semantic Indexing). Then you should spread all H1,H2,H3 tags in your article.Your Keyword should appear in your first paragraph and in the last sentence of the page. You should have relevant usage of Bold and italics of your keyword.There should be one internal link to a page on your blog and you should have one image with an alt tag that has your keyword….wait there’s even more Now what if i told you there was a simple WordPress plugin that does all the On-Page SEO, and automatically for you? That’s right AUTOMATICALLY, just watch this 4minute video for more information at. Seo Plugin

  9. This website is amazing. I will tell about it to my friends and anybody that could be interested in this subject. Great work guys!

  10. This website is amazing. I will tell about it to my friends and anybody that could be interested in this subject. Great work guys!

  11. This website is amazing. I will tell about it to my friends and anybody that could be interested in this subject. Great work guys!

  12. This website is amazing. I will tell about it to my friends and anybody that could be interested in this subject. Great work guys!

  13. This website is amazing. I will tell about it to my friends and anybody that could be interested in this subject. Great work guys!

  14. This website is amazing. I will tell about it to my friends and anybody that could be interested in this subject. Great work guys!

  15. This website is amazing. I will tell about it to my friends and anybody that could be interested in this subject. Great work guys!

  16. This website is amazing. I will tell about it to my friends and anybody that could be interested in this subject. Great work guys!

  17. This website is amazing. I will tell about it to my friends and anybody that could be interested in this subject. Great work guys!

  18. Wow! Your information is amazing. I will tell about it to my son and anyone that could be attracted to this topic. Great work girls ;)

  19. Tasse Lait says:

    This website is amazing. I will tell about it to my friends and anybody that could be interested in this subject. Great work guys!

  20. This is cool! This information is amazing! I will suggest it to my brother and anybody that could be interested in this topic. Great work guys :)

  21. This website is amazing. I will tell about it to my friends and anybody that could be interested in this subject. Great work guys!

  22. I more or less share your opinion on this topic and look forward to new posts and comments here at Thanks!

  23. 9/1/2016 @ 17:56:10. I’m pleased by the manner in which handles this sort of issue! Usually to the point, often polemic, without fail well-researched and more often than not quite stimulating.

  24. Pretty section of content. I just stumbled upon your
    weblog and in accession capital to assert that I get actually
    enjoyed account your blog posts. Any way I will be subscribing to your feeds and even I achievement you access consistently rapidly.

  25. Wow! Your information is astounding :D I will tell about it to my daugther and any person that could be interested in this object. Great work girls!!

  26. This website is amazing. I will tell about it to my friends and anybody that could be interested in this subject. Great work guys!

  27. You’ve made some decent points there. I checked on the internet for
    additional information about the issue and found most individuals
    will go along with your views on this website.

  28. Amazing! This blog looks just like my old one! It’s on a entirely different topic
    but it has pretty much the same layout and design. Superb choice of colors!

  29. 9/10/2016 does it yet again! Quite a interesting site and a well-written post. Thanks!

  30. 9/12/2016 @ 08:16:03 does it once again! Very thoughtful site and a thought-provoking article. Nice work!

  31. Good, solid content. I just passed this on 9/12/2016 to a coworker who’s been involved in a little research of her own on this topic. To say thank you, she just bought me dinner! So, I should probably say: Cheers for the meal!

  32. Good day I am so thrilled I found your blog page,
    I really found you by mistake, while I was researching on Bing for something else, Regardless I am here now and would just like to say many thanks for a tremendous
    post and a all round exciting blog (I also love the theme/design),
    I don’t have time to look over it all at the moment
    but I have book-marked it and also included your RSS feeds, so
    when I have time I will be back to read a great deal more,
    Please do keep up the excellent work.

  33. Excellent read. I just now sent this on 9/14/2016 to a coworker who’s been involved in some work of his own on the topic. To say thanks, they just bought me dinner! So, I guess I should say: Cheers for the meal!

  34. 9/15/2016 @ 15:38:26 In my view, does a great job of dealing with subject matter of this type. While often intentionally polemic, the information is generally well-written and thought-provoking.

  35. It’s an remarkable article in favor of all the online users; they will obtain advantage from it I
    am sure.

  36. I have been browsing online more than 3 hours today, yet I never found any interesting article like yours. It’s pretty worth enough for me. In my opinion, if all web owners and bloggers made good content as you did, the internet will be a lot more useful than ever before.

  37. Very nice post. I just stumbled upon your weblog and wanted
    to say that I have truly enjoyed browsing your blog posts.
    In any case I’ll be subscribing to your rss feed and I hope you write again soon!

  38. Thanks very interesting blog!

  39. I am really enjoying the theme/design of your web site.
    Do you ever run into any web browser compatibility problems?
    A few of my blog readers have complained about my site not working correctly
    in Explorer but looks great in Firefox. Do you have any suggestions to help fix this problem?

  40. Asking them questions are in reality pleasant thing when you are not understanding
    something fully, except this paragraph presents
    nice understanding yet.

  41. I’ve learn a few excellent stuff here. Definitely worth bookmarking for revisiting. I surprise how so much effort you place to make one of these great informative site.

  42. Hello, i think that i noticed you visited my blog thus i came to “return the want”.I am trying to to find things to enhance my site!I assume its ok to make use of some of your concepts!!


  1. […] Where does Bryce Harper rank on the Scale of Douche? […]

Speak Your Mind