The Scales of Douche: Tiki Barber, Albert Haynesworth, and Adam Morrison

A couple of weeks ago I introduced a new post series called The Scales of Douche. In the first installment, I took Bryce Harper to task for his eye black and ripped golfer Rickie Fowler and Michigan QB Tate Forcier for their websites. (Plus, I also ripped on myself for creating the post in the first place.)

Well, The Scales of Douche received such a good response that just two weeks later I am back with a new edition.

This week, I consider changing the ranking scale from Mariottis to Tikibarbers, poke unnecessary fun at Adam Morrison and his not-so-magic mustache, and rip on a 300+ pound defensive tackle who could lather me with spicy mustard and eat me as a hors d’oeurve if he wanted to.

All right, let’s start calling out some douches.

tiki-barber-doucheTiki Barber

We have to start with Tiki Barber. In fact, a New York Post article I just read a few minutes ago about Barber is what inspired me to bring back the Scales of Douche in the first place. Here is an excerpt:

Tiki Barber is claiming he’s broke and unable to pay the divorce settlement demanded by the mother of his four children after he was axed from the “Today” show.

That’s right folks, the former Giants RB who made millions playing football and then gobs more for talking about things he didn’t understand on NBC now says that he can’t afford to support his former wife and four kids…the same wife that he was cheating on while she was pregnant. Based on Barber’s previous public statements, this is just about the essence of hypocrisy – and hypocrisy always scores you extra Mariottis on The Scales of Douche.

The reality is that I don’t really need to belabor the point about why Tiki Barber is such a massive douche/turd/tool/loser. Everyone pretty much knows that already. And I’ve already written a post entitled “Tiki Barber is a Douche and a Tool” so I don’t want to be too redundant by saying the same thing over and over again when it’s the same thing I’ve already said because that would be redundant.

But think about it: this is a guy who is such a massive egomaniac that as soon as he retired from the NFL, his former team – at that point unburdened by the weight of his gigantic bald head – went out and won a Super Bowl by pulling off one of the great upsets in NFL history. Do you really think David Tyree makes that ridiculous catch if Tiki Barber was still around?

In the infamous words of John Boehner, hell no you can’t!

Tyree would have either lost the ball in the glare coming off of Tiki’s gargantuan bald dome or the Giants wouldn’t have even made it that far in the first place. It’s hard for 52 guys to compensate for a teammate’s overwhelming douchiness. (Just as the Washington Redskins as they try to do it now with Albert Haynesworth…but more on that in a minute.)

Anyway, I could write about Tiki Barber’s bumbling douchosity for hours, but what would be the point? He sucks, but a lot of people didn’t realize it when he left the NFL because he used big words in interviews. Well, no matter how great your vocabulary is, it can’t overcome douchiness that oozes out of every orifice of your body; in fact, it oftentimes enhances it.

It certainly has for Tiki Barber, who gets 10 Mariottis plus two extra credit Jumping Tikis.

tiki-douche

———-

Albert Haynesworth

albert-haynesworth-bowlingLet’s stay within the ranks of former football players as we readjust the Scales of Douche for the largest man to step on them yet: Redskins defensive crybaby Albert Haynesworth.

Wait, what?

Did I say “former football players”? But Albert Haynesworth hasn’t retired, has he?

Technically, no. But he might as well have because technically Haynesworth is under contract and has yet to report to Washington’s mandatory training camp, this despite the fact that they paid him a $21 million bonus this offseason – $21 million! – with the understanding that he’d, you know, show up for work.

Haynesworth, however, purportedly upset about the defensive system the Redskins will employ this year, has decided to pout like a whiny bitch and completely desert his teammates.

That’s right, while they are out sweating balls in the sweltering summer heat, Haynesworth is pretending he’s Brett Favre and missing training camp…except, of course, that Haynesworth doesn’t have a ridiculous consecutive games streak that has proven his toughness and commitment ten times over, a string of MVPs, a Super Bowl ring, a terrific 2009 season in his back pocket, or, you know, balls.

Oh, and then there is this, which you better damn well believe I am trotting out as we weigh all the evidence in assessing Haynesworth’s douchiness:

In the interests of making Haynesworth sound even worse, let’s put everything into proper perspective: while scores and scores of humble, hard-working Gulf Coast residents struggle to make ends meet – some with their livelihoods completely gone – because of an environmental disaster caused in large part by selfishness and greed, one of the highest paid men in NFL history – a man who gets paid to play a game and be famous for a living – took $21 million from his employer and now is bitching and refusing to show up for work out of selfishness and greed because his employer won’t kowtow to his every demand.

Albert Haynesworth, you are a massive, massive douche. Only my long-term personal distaste for Tiki Barber keeps you from ranking higher than him, but you definitely get the full 10 Mariottis.

albert-haynesworth-douche

———-

Adam Morrison

adam-morrisonLet’s transition away from football and put a nice little bow on the NBA Finals. We’ve talked about what beating the Celtics means for the legacies of Kobe and Phil, but how about what it means for two-time NBA champion Adam Morrison?

Well, what it means is that Adam Morrison has won more NBA titles than Karl Malone, John Stockton, and Dominique Wilkins…combined. It means that he has won more titles that Dan Marino, Donovan McNabb, and the every single person in the city of Cleveland born after 1950. It means that Adam Morrison – yes, Adam Morrison – has done twice in basketball what the city of Chicago has done just once in baseball over the last 200 combined seasons.

You may be wondering, why am I not calling out Luke Walton? He’s ridden Kobe’s coattails to a few championships, is a goofy white guy, and has funny hair too. Why shouldn’t he step onto the Scales of Douche? Well perhaps he should, but at least Walton got some minutes. He contributed something.

Here is the sum total of Morrison’s NBA Finals contributions:

Hmm…the above seems to dispute the 2007 commercial below, which attempted to explain Morrison’s collegiate crying and presage his NBA stardom. Yeah, it’s pretty funny in retrospect:

And just for the record, here is an example of Morrison’s inability to compose himself like a man after losses during college:

Okay, okay…so that was just an excuse to get some Gus Johnson audio in here. But can you blame me?

Now that we’ve weighed the evidence of douche against Adam Morrison it is clear that he is not even in the same marriotisphere as Tiki Barber or Albert Haynesworth. Those guys are supreme douches whose douchiness actually hurts other people, whereas Morrison falls into the same general category as Bryce Harper’s eye black, which is pretty harmless when you consider just how much douchiness there is in the sports world.

Having more titles than all of the great names above while doing nothing to earn them but look goofy in a suit gets Morrison a couple of Mariottis, but giving me an excuse to play Gus Johnson gives him some much needed extra credit. Maybe I’m just overwhelmed by Tiki and Haynesworth at the moment, and perhaps Morrison just looks a lot better in comparison, but I’m only giving him one half of a Mariotti (the funny half with the mullet).

adam-morrison-douche

Thanks for joining me today for another edition of The Scales of Douche. Tune in next time where I buy bleacher tickets at Wrigley Field and get enough material in the first inning to write ten more of these articles.

**********

* – Tiki Barber jumping like a douche photo credit: Huffington Post

* – Albert Haynesworth doing something other than playing football photo credit: Fossie’s Bloglings

* – Adam Morrison photo credit: Wikimedia



About Jerod Morris

I love words. I write for Copyblogger and founded MSF, The Assembly Call, & Primility. I practice yoga, eat well, & strive for balance. I love life. Namaste. Say hi on Twitter, Facebook, & G+.

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