Sources: Steelers Agree to Trade Big Ben for Turtle

The MSF news room has been buzzing this morning with news of a trade that will send shockwaves through the NFL, Hollywood, and anywhere turd sandwiches are served.

Soon after reports surfaced that trade talks with the Raiders had failed, the Pittsburgh Steelers agreed in principle to trade suspended quarterback Ben Roethlisberger and Bill Cowher’s retirement sweater to HBO for Turtle from Entourage.

Roethlisberger is expected to take over the role of Turtle on all new episodes of Entourage (although the spelling will be changed to “Turdle”), while Jerry Ferrara, who played Turtle, will compete for a spot on the Steelers’ offensive line.

Two things have to happen in the next 48 hours for the deal to be finalized, at which point this poster will immediately serve as the official promotional image of the show:

First, Ferrara must pass a physical.

Second, Roethlisberger and Entourage star Adrian Grenier must spend a night out on the town together pathetically leveraging their fame to get laid. If they can get 50 or more girls to turn to their friends and say “What a douche bag” then the trade will be consummated.

So really, as long as Ferrara passes his physical, this trade is a done deal.

The Rooney family issued a boring statement wishing Roethlisberger well, stating platitudes about character and a commitment to winning, and thanked the Steelers fans and Hines Ward for putting up with Roethlisberger’s nonsense for so long.

The Rooneys also thanked the refs in Super Bowl 40 for gift wrapping a win for Pittsburgh, because, as they put it, “without the two Super Bowl rings, the Roethlisberger Era in Pittsburgh would go down as one of the most insufferable in sports history.”

Mike Tomlin held a press conference this morning during which he burned a hole through a nickel just by staring at it. He also said this:

My mentality is singular in that I want to be world champs each and every year, so that’s what we work towards. I have a tough time acknowledging levels of success short of that. That’s just how I’m wired.

Ben is wired differently. Success for him is spontaneously exposing his gray johnson to an unwitting member of the opposite sex and not having some sort of complaint filed. That’s the not kind of success we’re looking for here. He had to go. We’ll move on with Jerry Ferrara and take steps each day towards winning. That’s all I and this organization know how to do.

A spokesman for HBO had this to say about the deal:

Entourage premiered in 2004 – the same year the Steelers drafted Big Ben – and since that time we have worked very hard to cultivate an image of ego-driven douchebaggery that is unmatched by any series in the history of television. Ben has done the same at the quarterback position for Pittsburgh.

At this point, there was only one way for us to grow and evolve, and that was to acquire the biggest douchenozzle we could find. The past few months have proven just how much Ben Roethlisberger fits that description. Additionally, Ben’s history of embellishing injuries proves that he has the acting chops he needs to perform at the very low level of the rest of the Entourage cast.

So while we are sorry to see Jerry Ferrara go, the addition of Big Ben places Entourage in an entirely new doucheosphere that would not otherwise be possible.

Adrian Grenier also expressed excitement about the deal, and with good reason. The addition of Roethlisberger will make Grenier only the second biggest turd in the Entourage punchbowl.

Recent reports about Grenier’s club antics have not been warmly received by the female population to which Grenier caters his every thought and action. An example:

To Adrian Grenier…Entourage is the equivalent of Lost and he’s a big star. That’s why he acts like a gigantic douche.

Last week at Amnesia in NYC, Adrian hit on a group of girls. Well, he didn’t so much as hit on them, rather, he made a complete ass of himself.

The above analysis of Grenier, from TheBlemish.com, references this report from the New York Daily News:

We hear that Adrian Grenier and an “Entourage” of guys strolled into N.Y.C. hotspot Amnesia last week and immediately approached a group of young ladies.

“They put their arms around each of the women and suavely said: ‘Hey baby, this is what it’s like to be famous’ ” a partygoer tells us. “Then they laughed in the girls’ faces and walked off.”

So were the femmes impressed by the heartthrob’s advances? Not quite.

“The girls thought it was obnoxious,” says the snitch. “Someone should teach him a little modesty.”

Well, who better to teach Grenier and his wingmen some modesty than Ben Roethlisberger? Grenier apparently thinks he can score just by showing up. Roethlisberger will be able to teach him that when you’re famous and successful but still a gigantic tool, you have to humbly by girls massive amounts of shots and then have your bodyguards run interference while you take advantage of the girls in dingy bar restrooms.

That’s the douchenozzle way, perfected by Roethlisberger, and now sure to be passed on to his new turd-sandwich-in-crime Grenier.

In fact, as you can see to the right, Grenier and Roethlisberger have already been photographed together getting their mack on at a beach.

Grenier is predictably sans shirt, acting like he can play the guitar and maintain a coherent thought for more than two seconds. Roethlisberger, as he is wont to do, looks like a hungover caveman.

And while Roethlisberger looks a little jealous in the picture, I wouldn’t read too much into it. Grenier is in his element: outside on a warm day at the beach, which means that the hot air coming out of his mouth isn’t as noticeable. For Roethlisberger, there is no tequila, no bodyguards, and no dingy lavatories in sight. It’s like getting blitzed without a left tackle; he has no chance.

MSF was able to reach Grenier for a comment, and though his quote is difficult to decipher, reading between the lines reveals that he is pleased with the addition of Roethlisberger and thinks the two will get along well:

I, I, I…me, me, me…pot, bars, chicks…I’m famous…I rule…Hollywood…I’m Adrian Grenier…me, me, me…I, I, I.

Greiner then belched, giggled, and hung up the phone.

MSF is also hearing rumors that Entourage is interested in trading Kevin Connolly (you know, the guy on Entourage who looks like the bastard love child of Rick Astley and Ryan Seacrest) to the New York Jets for Braylon Edwards, but talks are in the initial stages. Certainly, a Grenier-Roethlisberger-Edwards trio would set a new standard for douchebaggery.

We have yet to reach Roethlisberger for his comment on the deal as messages left with his representatives have yet to be returned.

MSF will keep you updated on this developing story.

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