Jared Allen and Brandon Marshall Deliver Some Entertaining NFL Preseason Goodies

Jared Allen comments on schism as STD, abstinence, Brett Favre, Minnesota VikingsA couple of Friday morning quick-hitters for you.

First off all, something that made me laugh out loud this morning while the morning SportsCenter was running in the background as I got ready for work. In case you didn’t hear the latest world-stopping controversy out of Minnesota, there were reports that surfaced yesterday about a “schism” in the Vikings locker room regarding the players’ support for Brett Favre.

While Brett Favre played his I’m-just-a-simpleton-from-Mississippi card and explained that he didn’t know what “schism” meant, his new teammate Jared Allen was much more hilariously eloquent in describing how big, complicated, six-letter words are so foreign to NFL locker rooms:

Jared Allen’s comments on “schism”, via The Big Lead:

“I don’t think anyone on this team knows what schism means let alone use it in a sentence form. At first I thought schism was an STD, and I was like WOAH we practice abstinence here!”

The video of him delivering the line was even funnier. He had just gotten done at practice, was all sweaty, half out of breath, and looked directly into the camera when he delivered the line. I wonder how long he’d been saving it, or how many of his teammates he tested it out on before running over to to officially deliver it to the world.

I don’t really care one way or the other; it’s the funniest (and certainly the most ironic) line from an NFL player we’ll hear all year.

(And here’s an early nominee for funniest message board post discussing this situation, from BoxDen.com: “hes #69 for a reason abstinence my ass”)

And for anyone else who is still wondering what a “schism” actually is, here is the dictionary definition…and then here is a video that defines it even better in lovely, melodic tones as only Tool can deliver:

And speaking of weird videos, did you all see Brandon Marshall at Broncos practice yesterday? Kudos to whoever described him as acting like an ass clown, because that’s about the most apt way to describe it that I can think of:

Video: Brandon Marshall Acting Like an Ass Clown at Practice

Acting like a petulant child is definitely the way to go when you want to get traded and get a new contract. Umm…not. (Actually, this is the NFL we’re talking about, so maybe Marshall is onto something.)

Marshall was, of course, in full damage control mode this morning, but there is a good chance that this video will stick with him for the rest of his career, kinda like TO doing push-ups in his driveway. (And TO’s only gotten two fat new contracts since that display…so take that Brandon Marshall! Wait a minute…)

I wonder what Josh McDaniels is thinking right about now. What’s the over-under on how many games the Broncos win this year? 3.5? I might be tempted to take the under.

Update: Now we know exactly what Josh McDaniels is thinking: Eff you Brandon Marshall.

Via ProFootbalTalk, the Broncos have suspended Brandon Marshall for “conduct detrimental to the team” (i.e. acting like an ass clown).

Enjoy your Friday everyone.  I’ll Be back later if anything hot comes up and will definitely have a link post up this afternoon.


* – Jared Allen photo credit: Tom Olmscheid via USAToday.com

About Jerod Morris

I love words. I write for Copyblogger and founded MSF, The Assembly Call, & Primility. I practice yoga, eat well, & strive for balance. I love life. Namaste. Say hi on Twitter, Facebook, & G+.


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  26. Just think, Jared Had you not chased the money, you may have spent your entire career avoiding the word schism altogether. If you re not first, you re NFC champions, right ? Go back to your arm chair. Some people who comment on these articles say some of the most ridiculous things.


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