Now that Jay Cutler has gone from beautiful, mountainous Denver to the Windy City, and Kyle Orton has done the opposite, there are three very important issues that must be addressed:
- A complete analysis of the football implications of the Orton-Cutler trade from each team’s perspective.
- An analysis of whether Jay Cutler will be a Cubs fan or a White Sox fan.
- A pictorial reminder of the unintentional comedic joy that Kyle Orton takes with him from Chicago to Denver.
Regarding a football analysis of the trade, I am hoping that our buddy Kaner will be logging in at some point today to provide this. I could do it, but it would take time away from the fun I plan on having with #’s 2 and 3. So, if you are thirsting for serious football talk and just want a football-specific analysis on the trade, here are some links for you:
- Cutler might regret Denver exile — (Peter King, SI.com)
- Cutler, Angelo, McDaniels on hot seat — (Gene Wojciechowski, ESPN.com)
- Cutler trade among most notable — (Len Pasquarelli, ESPN.com)
So there you go. Satisfy the “serious” football side of you at those sites.
Now, let’s analyze what is really important in the Cutler-Orton-draft-picks deal consummated between the Chicago Bears and Denver Broncos: now that Jay Cutler is a proud Windy City citizen, will he be a White Sox fan or a Cubs fan?
Reasons Why Jay Cutler Might be a White Sox Fan:
We all know that Jay Cutler is talented. In fact, in some ways he is the NFL equivalent of Alexei Ramirez: he has put up great stats and he has worlds of talent, but no one is really sure just how good he really is. Can 
we believe the numbers? Is it more hype than long-term, sustainable success? I mean, we’re all pretty sure that Alexei Ramirez will be a badass moving forward, but we’re not positive. Same with Jay Cutler. So there is that connection.
Hmm…that’s about all I got, and it was a stretch just to come up with that.
Reasons Why Jay Cutler Might be a Cubs Fan:
Let’s just start with the things that come to right off the top of my head:
- Jay Cutler is a whiny baby who complains, bitches, and moans when things don’t go his way.
- Jay Cutler has exhibited levels of douchebaggery rarely seen from a starting NFL quarterback.
- Jay Cutler’s reputation far exceeds his actual level of production or achievements. Hell, at least Alexei Ramirez made the playoffs in his one season.
All three of these truths are far more descriptive of a Cubs fan and the Cubs organization than a White Sox fan or their organization.
At the end of the day, Jay Cutler has proven that he will act like a petulant child when he does not get his way. Hmm…is there anyone who works at Wrigley Field that makes demonstrative displays when things do not go his way?
Now, I’m sure that all of the Cubs fans and White Sox haters out there will try to compare Ozzie Guillen to Sweet Lou and say that Ozzie acts like a child when he doesn’t get his way. And the differen
ce, of course, is that Ozzie Guillen is a championship-winning badass who did what no one thought possible: bring a World Series to the city of Chicago.
When Lou Piniella and the Cubs do that, we’ll give Sweet Lou and his sychophants the benefit of the doubt. Until then, enjoy it when Jay Cutler shows up in the bleachers and then starts complaining because its too hot, or his beer is warm, or the Cubs are losing, or that it’s Saturday, or that…well, you get the picture.
The point is this: is there anything that defines a Cubs fan more than wanting recognition and deference despite the complete void of substantive accomplishments by them or their team? And by comparison, is there anything that defines Jay Cutler more than the same thing?
Conslusion: Jay Cutler is definitely a Cubs fan.
And when the Cubs get swept in the first round of the playoffs again this year (if they make it), Cutler will be there sitting on his hands not cheering, basically acting like the selfish brat he is, right along with the rest of the most overrated fan base in sports.
Now, let’s move on to the other quarterback in the deal: Kyle Orton.
When Orton was playing at Purdue, no one could have imagined the sheer volume of hilarious Kyle Orton pictures that would one day populate the Internet. As a Midwest farewell to Orton, we will run down a few of the more infamous and unintentionally hilarious picture here, in our Kyle Orton In Memoriam Photo Diary:
No longer will Bears fans be able to see this lovely image on their sidelines:
And, of course, this infamous image that first appeared on Deadpsin is now one that Broncos fans can proudly call their own:
But the real losers in this deal are the fine ladies of Chicago, who will no longer have the pleasure of being grinded upon by their city’s fearlessly bearded and tanked quarterback. Killer shades Orton. At least he didn’t pull a Corey Hart on us:
No, now the ladies of Denver will be the ones with the nightly chance to enjoy Kyle and all of his Ortonness. Broncos fans, I present to you Kyle Orton, the new next John Elway:
And that’s all the time we have for today folks. Good luck to both the Bears and Broncos with their new QBs. When neither team makes the playoffs again next year, we’ll all be wondering why we spent so much time worrying about this trade in the first place.
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