Yesterday, I attempted a serious discussion about the history of underclassmen QBs who have been picked in the first round of the NFL Draft. Needless to say, the history of such QBs is far more infamous than it is famous; and unfortunately for many NFL fans, a number of teams appear poised to draft Matthew Stafford, Mark Sanchez, and Josh Freeman (all juniors) in the first round of the 2009 Draft.
With yesterday’s post I feel like I made a pretty significant deposit into the “serious sports talk” bank account that we like to maintain here at Midwest Sports Fans. And that can only mean one thing: it’s time to become a “real” sports fan for a moment and dabble in something juvenile, immature, and sophomoric.
Thus, it gives me great pleasure on this fine Wednesday morning to present you with the greatest name in the history of the NFL Draft:
That’s right. Dickless Riffle. A back out of Albright chosen with the 12th overall pick by the Philadelphia Eagles. (So…do you think when Eagles call T.O. “dickless” that they are really just paying homage to their old time second-round pick? No? Okay, me either.) I defy you to find another name that even comes close to packing the humor, irony, and complete ridiculousness of this one.
It should be noted that I looked for secondary confirmation of the existence of Dickless Riffle. However, all I was able to find was another website that had essentially just copy/pasted the Wikipedia table for the 1938 draft. So I’m trusting Wikipedia that Dickless Riffle is not just someone’s idea of a joke inconspicuously slipped into a random draft chart from the Early Era of the NFL, found only because of freak sports bloggers who research this stuff at 12:30 in the morning.
As you will see below, the genesis for this post was actually something legitimate and informative. We have created a table listing the #1 overall draft pick for every professional football draft since 1936. During the course of going to the Wikipedia page for each individual draft to get all of the information I needed for the table, I stumbled across more than a few interesting names. Without question, Dickless Riffle is the greatest.
How in the hell do you get a name like Dickless? I have to assume that it did not have the same context back then that it does now. Or perhaps his name was Richardfewer and he just wanted to shorten it. Or perhaps his parents really wanted a girl and simply could not accept the fact that little Dickless had man parts, so they gave him a name in hopes that it would become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It would make a great band name, don’t you think? Or a stage name for an effeminate male singer who wears tight pants and hits high notes with ease. I can see the marquee now: Dickless Riffle and the Morsels of Tenderness, like tonight at The Vogue.
And I’ve officially taken this too far.
Anyway, before we jump into the all-time list of #1 overall NFL draft picks, here are a few other names from the Early Era of the NFL that I thought were…entertaining:
- Bill Shakespeare (1936 NFL Draft – Round 1 – Pittsburgh Steelers)
- Dick Crayne (1936 – Round 1 – Brooklyn Dodgers)
- Pepper Constable (1936 – Round 8 – Philadelphia Eagles)
- Dick Plasman (1937 NFL Draft – Round 3 – Chicago Bears)
- Byron “Whizzer” White (1938 NFL Draft – Round 1 – Pittsburgh Pirates) — Is this guy related to Onterrio Smith?
- Kelly Moan (1938 – Round 7 – New York Giants)
- Dick Nardi (1938 – Round 8 – Detroit Lions)
- Dick Johnston (1938 – Round 11 – Washington Redskins) – one letter away from being the polar opposite of Dickless Riffle.
- Bill Daddio (1939 NFL Draft – Round 5 – Chicago Cardinals)
- Dick Farman (1939 – Round 16 – Washington Redskins)
- Dick Favor (1940 NFL Draft – Round 3 – Philadelphia Eagles) – The question becomes what is the difference between a Dick Favor and a Dickless Riffle? They sound like complete opposites to me.
- Cary Cox (1940 – Round 11 – Pittsburgh Steelers) – Umm…once again, the complete opposite of Dickless Riffle. But it would certainly help out with a Dick Favor.
- Earl Fullilove (1941 NFL Draft – Round 19 – Washington Redskins)
- Jack Hunt (1942 NFL Draft – Round 13 – Chicago Bears)
- Dick Wildung (1943 NFL Draft – Round 1 – Green Bay Packers)
- Bob Coutchie (1943 – Round 21 – Brooklyn Dodgers)
Yep, that seems like a good one to end on.
My goodness, who knew that the old school NFL drafts were such a rich source of humor? I had no idea. Anyway, I have to cut myself off there as actual work beckons.
Before I go, here is the all-time list of #1 overall NFL draft picks. My apologies for diverting so far off track from what this post was originally intended to be. But come on — Dickless Riffle? It was just too much ignore.
NFL Draft History: All-Time List of #1 Overall Picks
|2008||Miami Dolphins||OL - Jake Long||Michigan|
|2007||Oakland Raiders||QB - JaMarcus Russell||LSU|
|2006||Houston Texans||DL - Mario Williams||NC State|
|2005||San Francisco 49ers||QB - Alex Smith||Utah|
|2004||San Diego Chargers||QB - Eli Manning||Ole Miss|
|2003||Cincinnati Bengals||QB - Carson Palmer||USC|
|2002||Houston Texans||QB - David Carr||Fresno State|
|2001||Atlanta Falcons||QB - Michael Vick||Virginia Tech|
|2000||Cleveland Browns||DL - Courtney Brown||Penn State|
|1999||Cleveland Browns||QB - Tim Couch||Kentucky|
|1998||Indianapolis Colts||QB - Peyton Manning||Tennessee|
|1997||St. Louis Rams||OL - Orlando Pace||Ohio State|
|1996||New York Jets||WR - Keyshawn Johnson||USC|
|1995||Cincinnati Bengals||RB - Ki-Jana Carter||Penn State|
|1994||Cincinnati Benglals||DL - Dan Wilkinson||Ohio State|
|1993||New England Patriots||QB - Drew Bledsoe||Washington State|
|1992||Indianapolis Colts||DL - Steve Emtman||Washington|
|1991||Dallas Cowboys||DL - Russell Maryland||Miami (FL)|
|1990||Indianapolis Colts||QB - Jeff George||Illinois|
|1989||Dallas Cowboys||QB - Troy Aikman||UCLA|
|1988||Atlanta Falcons||LB - Aundray Bruce||Auburn|
|1987||Tampa Bay Buccaneers||QB - Vinny Testaverde||Miami (FL)|
|1986||Tampa Bay Buccaneers||RB - Bo Jackson||Auburn|
|1985||Buffalo Bills||DL - Bruce Smith||Virginia Tech|
|1984||New England Patriots||WR - Irving Fryar||Nebraska|
|1983||Baltimore Colts||QB - John Elway||Stanford|
|1982||New England Patriots||DL - Kenneth Sims||Texas|
|1981||New Orleans Saints||RB - George Rogers||South Carolina|
|1980||Detroit Lions||RB - Billy Sims||Oklahoma|
|1979||Buffalo Bills||LB - Tom Cousineau||Ohio State|
|1978||Houston Oilers||RB - Earl Campbell||Texas|
|1977||Tampa Bay Buccaneers||RB - Ricky Bell||USC|
|1976||Tampa Bay Buccaneers||DL - Lee Roy Selmon||Oklahoma|
|1975||Atlanta Falcons||QB - Steve Bartkowski||California|
|1974||Dallas Cowboys||DL - Ed "Too Tall" Jones||Tennessee State|
|1973||Houston Oilers||DL - John Matuszak||Tampa|
|1972||Buffalo Bills||DL - Walt Patulski||Notre Dame|
|1971||New England Patriots||QB - Jim Plunkett||Stanford|
|1970||Pittsburgh Steelers||QB - Terry Bradshaw||Louisiana Tech|
|1969||Buffalo Bills||RB - O.J. Simpson||USC|
|1968||Minnesota Vikings||DL - Ron Yary||USC|
|1967||Baltimore Colts||DL - Charles "Bubba" Smith||Michigan State|
|AFL & NFL ERA|
|1966||Atlanta Falcons||LB - Tommy Nobis||Texas|
|1965||New York Giants||RB - Tucker Frederickson||Auburn|
|1964||San Francisco 49ers||DL - Dave Parks||Texas Tech|
|1963||Los Angeles Rams||RB - Terry Baker||Oregon State|
|1962||Washington Redskins||RB - Ernie Davis||Syracuse|
|1961||Minnesota Vikings||RB - Tommy Mason||Tulane|
|1960||Los Angeles Rams||RB - Billy Cannon||LSU|
|1959||Green Bay Packers||QB - Randy Duncan||Iowa|
|1958||Chicago Cardinals||QB - King Hill||Rice|
|1957||Green Bay Packers||HB - Paul Hornung||Notre Dame|
|1956||Pittsburgh Steelers||QB - Gary Glick||Colorado State|
|1955||Baltimore Colts||QB - George Shaw||Oregon|
|1954||Cleveland Browns||QB - Bobby Garrett||Stanford|
|1953||San Francisco 49ers||DL - Harry Babcock||Georgia|
|1952||Los Angeles Rams||QB - Bill Wade||Vanderbilt|
|1951||New York Giants||HB - Kyle Rote||SMU|
|1950||Detroit Lions||DL - Leon Hart||Notre Dame|
|1949||Philadelphia Eagles||C - Chuck Bednarik||Pennsylvania|
|1948||Washington Redskins||HB - Harry Gilmer||Alabama|
|1947||Chicago Bears||Back - Bob Fenimore||Oklahoma|
|1946||Boston Yanks||QB - Frank Dancewicz||Notre Dame|
|1945||Chicago Cardinals||HB - Charley Trippi||Georgia|
|1944||Boston Yanks||QB - Angelo Bertelli||Notre Dame|
|1943||Detroit Lions||RB - Frank Sinkwich||Georgia|
|1942||Pittsburgh Steelers||HB - Bill Dudley||Virginia|
|1941||Chicago Bears||HB - Tom Harmon||Michigan|
|1940||Chicago Cardinals||TB - George Cafego||Tennessee|
|1939||Chicago Cardinals||C - Charles "Ki" Aldrich||TCU|
|1938||Cleveland Rams||Back - Corbett Davis||Indiana|
|1937||Philadelphia Eagles||Back - Sam Francis||Nebraska|
|1936||Philadelphia Eagles||HB - Jay Berwanger||Chicago|