Who’s Got Six? Super Bowl 43 Gives Browns Fans and NFL a Much Needed Reality Check

By Much Needed Reality Check, Proud Non-Midwesterner

Super Bowls: for the denizens of Ohio, they’re like the 4-feet-two kid reaching for the cookies up on the 6-feet-high shelf. When you’re from Pittsburgh, however, they’re like an icy cold six-pack (sweet sweet appropriate image!) waiting for you in the fridge, just chilling, anytime you’re ready to crack one open.

As a Steeler fan, then, I feel it’s my duty to inform you poor deprived souls of what it’s like to watch your team win it all. (Call it charity, maybe I can write it off.) As someone who actually just returned from the big show, I’m in an especially fine position to do so.

So, what’s it’s feel like to see your team claim the biggest sports prize of all? Well, it’s hard to describe exactly, but let me try:

It’s like getting a call from those just-turned-legal blonde twins who’ve set up a threesome with you – saying they’ll be late because they forgot to pick up the Cristal and the blow.

It’s like hitting the lottery exactly one day after your divorce papers come in the mail.

It’s like a getting a one-way ticket out of Cleveland – to anyplace you want.

As for the experience itself, allow me to recount. First stop: the President’s club at the airport, for a couple of cocktails Friday night before the flight to Tampa. A couple more on the plane for the movie – let the party begin!

Arrive in Tampa, surrounded by a sea of black and gold. Is Steeler Nation awesome or what? Smirk at a couple of poor schmucks in red, gawking at the sheer awesomeness of the Steeler fans gathered around them. (Wait til they get a load of us at the game!)

Saturday afternoon: tickets waiting for the NFL Experience. Kick a field goal, toss a couple passes through some hoops (picked off, if you’re a Cleveland fan), walk over to the pavilion for a couple of exclusive NFL Films presentations.

Exercise done, down a couple of beers in the warm Florida sun. Smile as you think of the poor bastards shivering up north. Wave to – who’s that? — why yes it is! – Jerome Bettis, passing by on his way to the NBC booth. Now there’s a guy who know’s a thing or two about Super Bowls. Who’s that guy carrying his bags – is that Brady Quinn? Sure looks like him.

Saturday night: dinner at Bern’s or one of the town’s other finer steakhouses. Sip after-dinner cocktail, looking forward to the evening.

Saturday night, later. Tampa’s got two main industries: cigars and strip clubs. Enjoy both, not necessarily in that order. Have pretty girl wave Terrible Towel – gets a big cheer from the other Steeler faithful gathered! Can it get any better than this?

Sunday late morning: why maybe it can! Go to massive Steeler tailgate at lots just outside Raymond James (no partying allowed in the parking lot) – gaze at rows and rows of cars and RVs decked out in black and gold. Cold beer, smooth shots and lots of loud music. Who’s that in the lot next to us? Why none other than Luke Steelerstahl, JRod’s favorite mayor. If only I had my cam, I’d have taken a shot of him hoisting an ice-cold Iron (note that six-pack theme running through here!). But put that image in your mind.

Sunday late afternoon: all warmed-up and ready to hit the stadium, aka “Heinz Field South.” Find your seat – watch the team stretching on the field. Ben Roeth looks calm – see how that plays in about, oh, four hours. Pre-game highlight: the Air Force jets whooshing over the stadium. If you’ve never had the chance to experience this live, before a Super Bowl, pray you get the chance someday. (If you’re from Cleveland, pray extra hard.) Swim in a sea of yellow towels – no fan base travels like the Steelers’!

Almost kickoff time – time to grab one more beer. Back in seat just in time to see Big Ben come out smokin’ on that first drive. I won’t go into a game recap, as you all know what happens. But let me say this: maybe the sweetest moment of it all was knowing how giddy all you haters got when Fitzgerald scored that last TD – only to have your candy yanked away, like little babies, crying in your cribs.

I could just hear you: ooh the Steelers are going down! Ooh ooh! I turn to my buddy, admittedly looking a bit grim, and say: “don’t worry, their defense sucks and we’ve got number 7.” And then, sure enough, in a mere two football minutes, your hater dreams are crushed by the greatest drive in Super Bowl history. (Insert Dr. Evil laugh here.) Yep, some teams get the glory of legendary drives – some teams are forever known as the victims of them.

It’s over! Pop the champagne and let the confetti fly! Stay to watch Ben and Holmes raise big number six – hey there Mike Tomlin, youngest coach ever to win the big one! You goin’ to Disney World too? Watch that last little scattering of Arizona fans leave all crushed – have a safe trip home! Oh and see ya later, too, Dallas and San Fran fans – enjoy your mere five Lombardis.

Then off to the after-victory, fire up those Churchills – quote Robert Duvall “smells like victory!” Sure does! Party on into the warm night surrounded by 50,000 or so of your closest friends. Life is sweet and creamy as the cigar right now!

Monday: late breakfast, coffee tastes like victory too. Hangover? A hangover never hurt so good! Even a rainy day like this is beautiful when your team wins the Bowl.

Anyway, back to you, JRod. But before I go, let me just say…

If there were bulletin-board material for fans, this would be it:

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Ryan Russell
Aug 27th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
Much needed reality check,
Talk as much shit as possible before the season starts, because the Steelers will be lucky to beat out Baltimore for 3rd place in the division. Nobody outside of Pukesburgh thinks that Big Gay Ben is carrying that douche-squad into the playoffs.
I dare you to come back to this site after week 9 when the Steelers are 2-6 or 3-5.
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Thanks for the inspiration, Rusty. I couldn’t have done it without ya.

From Sixburgh, this has been Much Needed Reality Check asking “got six?”

Tags: ben roethlisberger, Cleveland Browns, pittsburgh steelers, super bowl

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