As everyone knows, Barack Obama won yesterdayâ€™s election to become the 44th President of the United States. What many people do not know is that right after giving his celebratory speech at Grant Park in Chicago, Barack Obama sat down with Midwest Sports Fans to discuss his Midwest sports agenda.
Barack Obamaâ€™s Midwest roots are well known. He lives in Chicago, was a senator in the Illinois state legislature, currently serves as one of Illinoisâ€™ two state senators, and he is an unabashed Chicago White Sox fan. (This fact alone, of course, proves his wisdom, integrity, and character.)
Barack Obama is also a huge basketball fan, and his brother-in-law is the head coach at Oregon State. In fact, President-Elect Obama spent much of yesterday playing hoops while America decided his fate.
We caught up with President-Elect Obama in our dreams immediately after he left the stage at Grant Park. The following is a completely fabricated pile of nonsense verbatim transcript of our interview with the next President of the United States, Barack Obama.
(Editor’s note: Coincidentally, about a half hour after publishing this mock interview, Lester Munson actually posted a serious article on ESPN.com regarding what an Obama White House could mean for the sports world. Follow the link for serious discourse. Follow along here for something a little more absurd.)
Midwest Sports Fans: Congratulations on your victory Sena–, I mean President-Elect Obama. What is your official title now? Senator or President-Elect?
Barack Obama: [big smile, with an encouraging tap on my knee] You can call me anything you want. Youâ€™re the one making this up and procrastinating from work.
Midwest Sports Fans: Good point. Letâ€™s get right down to your sports agenda, because we know that sports are very important to you. What will be your first objective upon taking office?
Barack Obama: Look, our country faces some real challenges. We need to get our economy going. We have international issues that must be dealt with. And Americans everywhere are concerned about healthcare. But the first thing we need to do is establish a new mentality in America. I can sense it everywhere I go across this great country of ours. People want change, and it begins with a change in mindset. We cannot accept losing and we cannot accept mediocrity. We are a nation of winners, and to overcome the serious challenges we face, we must maintain the winning mentality that has defined America for over 200 years and accept nothing less.
Midwest Sports Fans: So the glorious rumor is true? You are dissolving the Chicago Cubs as a franchise?
Barack Obama: Before I even choose my cabinet, the first thing I am going to do is rid America of the hypocrisy and the needless acceptance of mediocrity inherent in our nationâ€™s inexplicable fascination with a franchise defined more by its history of losing than anything else. The winds of change are blowing in America, and we can no longer allow uncontrollable sucking and fan suffering to be reasons for admiration.
Midwest Sports Fans: But President-Elect Obama, to play devilâ€™s advocate here because I hate the Cubs and love your idea, isnâ€™t your victory in this election proof that anything is possible in America? Even a Cubs World Series victory?
Barack Obama: My victory in this election is proof that America is truly a land of opportunity, a place where men and women are created equal, and where worthy causes can be lifted to overcome the odds of history by the resolve of a nation. I will be the next President of the United States because of a hard-working and brilliant campaign staff, a nation yearning for change, and the incredible support of millions upon millions of frustrated but hopeful Americans. However, my victory is not a confirmation of the potential for miracles. Waiting for miracles leads to false hope and apathy, which is what we saw at Wrigley Field during this yearâ€™s playoffs. The new America about to take shape will be founded upon a hope defined by the realistic potential of its reality. There is no such realistic potential for a reality in which the Chicago Cubs are anything but pathetic losers.
Midwest Sports Fans: Can I hug you?
Barack Obama: [turning to the Secret Servicemen flanking him on either side] Do me a favor and keep a close eye on this clown please. He scares me.
Midwest Sports Fans: My apologies sir. Moving on, what will your administration do to provide equal opportunity for the long-suffering Browns and their supporters?
Barack Obama: As Iâ€™ve said many times, the goal of this administration will be to bridge the divides that have defined our nationâ€™s history and that have become more pronounced over the last 8 years. White, black, brown, yellow; democrat, republican; man, woman; disabled, not disabled â€“ we will bring people together through a common belief that anything is possible through the power of individual liberty and the support of community.
Midwest Sports Fans: Actually, I was talking about the Cleveland Browns.
Barack Obama: Oh. Look â€“ government canâ€™t do everything. And I just got done explaining that weâ€™re going to offer hope, not promise miracles.
Midwest Sports Fans: Can Brady Quinn starting be the first step towards hope and change for the Browns?
Barack Obama: Maybe. If Braylon Edwards can catch the ball.
Midwest Sports Fans: Good point. You certainly know your football. Moving on, you recently said during your interview on Monday Night Football that you are in favor of a college football playoff. Would you care to expound on your reasons why?
Barack Obama: Absolutely. I have always leaned towards the side of a college football playoff. And naturally, I am often impressed by and feel a special kinship with good-looking, young, charismatic men who rise through the ranks quickly to command attention and respect. One such man is Kirk Herbstreit, who will be my choice for a newly created cabinet position, Secretary of Greatness. In fact, during one of the few moments of downtime I had during this election process I stumbled upon a website called Flash Sports Tonight, and it solidified my view that college football needs a playoff.
Midwest Sports Fans: What is Flash Sports Tonight?
Barack Obama: Some ridiculous animated sports program created by some hippie sports fans in Indiana. But somehow they got live footage of Archie Griffin and Kirk Herbstreit professing the importance of a college football playoff. It is very convincing.
Midwest Sports Fans: But, itâ€™s just a silly cartoon.
Barack Obama: Itâ€™s the most brilliant piece of genius created in this country since the Constitution. Iâ€™m buying airtime on the major networks again when parts 3 and 4 come out.
Midwest Sports Fans: Are you okay sir?
Barack Obama: Honestly, Iâ€™m a little tired and delirious. I just finished the most grueling two years you can imagine and became the President, with more weight on my shoulders than you could possibly imagine.
Midwest Sports Fans: That leads me into my next question. Who has more weight on his shoulders and faces a greater burden of expectation: you or Tom Crean, the new basketball coach at Indiana University?
Barack Obama: Thatâ€™s easy. Tom Crean. George W. Bush left a pretty big mess, but Kelvin Sampson popped a squat over the entire city of Bloomington and left a heaping pile of disarray that doesnâ€™t even compare to what our nation as a whole faces. Myself, Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi, Barney Frank, and Steve Perry could probably beat IUâ€™s basketball team this year.
Midwest Sports Fans: Steve Perry? From Journey?
Barack Obama: Yes. Look, just wait. The Republican pundits thought I was radical before, but wait until they see that I plan to change the National Anthem to Donâ€™t Stop Believing.
Midwest Sports Fans: For a lot of White Sox fans, it already is.
Barack Obama: Exactly.
(Editorâ€™s Note: At this point in our unnecessary, fabricated, and completely fake interview with Barack Obama, once of his aides came running over and whispered something into his ear. Immediately, President-Elect Obama stood up and extended his hand.)
Barack Obama: I apologize, but I will have to cut our interview short. I was just informed that Joe Biden is out giving speeches and making more ridiculous claims.
Midwest Sports Fans: Did he tell another person who canâ€™t walk to stand up?
Barack Obama: No. He just promised the state of Michigan that Rich Rodriguez and the Wolverines football team will be better than Ohio State as long as we are in office. We just had a meeting last week about being honest with the American people and not offering false hope. I have to run. I hope to you understand.
Midwest Sports Fans: Absolutely sir. Thank you very much for your time and candor. Are there any final words or thoughts that you would like to leave with our loyal readers at Midwest Sports Fans?
Barack Obama: You mean all twelve of them? Absolutely. Thank them all for their support, and for believing in the message of change and hope that will lead America into a new era of optimism and prosperity. And tell all the Big Ten football fans not to send me letters or get upset when we federally mandate the removal of every Big Ten football team but Ohio State and Penn State and then pass a bill merging the Big Two with the MAC. If the Big Ten wants to be more competitive in football, they shouldnâ€™t complain when we take measures to make it a reality.
Midwest Sports Fans: Thank you for your time President-Elect Obama.
Barack Obama: No, thank you. God bless America, and God bless Midwest sports.
[tags]Barack Obama, Midwest sports[/tags]