A Response to the Newest Bill Simmons Mailmag: Friday Night Fun with Photoshop

Friday afternoons in the Fall are great for a lot of reasons.

The weekend has arrived. It is the eve of another college football Saturday. Another day of wall-to-wall NFL action is only 36 hours away. And, of course, the TGIF crew is there waiting at night to provide two solid hours of family entertainment.

You know who I’m talking about: Reginald Vel Johnson, Darius McCrary, Jaleel White, Bob Saget, Dave Coulier (pictured, not pleased to be reminded that his relevance as a respectable celebrity ended when Full House went off the air), John Stamos, Candace Cameron (ooh yeah…Candace Cameron), Jodie Sweetin, Patrick Duffy…the list goes on and on.

Okay fine. So I’m about two decades too late with the TGIF reference. But doesn’t anyone miss those shows?

You’re right – me neither.

Anyway, getting back to the original point: Friday afternoons are great. But the greatest thing of all is that Bill Simmons usually has a new column up each Friday for everyone’s bowel movement pleasure.

(It did not take me long after finding out about Simmons four or five years ago to realize that printing his unnecessarily long articles and saving them for a trip to the pool with the Cosby kids was the best way to go. I know I’m not the only one — and you’re lying if you say differently. The iPhone, of course, has made this practice obsolete and saved countless trees, as well as mitigating against the constipating effects of an untimely printer failure, thus affording men across the nation the option of taking the Browns and Bill Simmons to the Super Bowl whenever they damn well please.)

But I digress…(and sound a lot like Mike Greenberg when I say lame things like that)

Today, Bill Simmons released a brand new mail bag. Feel free to view the new Simmons mailbag before reading the rest of the post, if you have not already done so, as the rest of the mindless drivel contained herein references the great Sports Guy and his own mindless drivel.

Here was my thought process upon reading the new Simmons mailbag:

• Bill Simmons is a complete tool for comparing Matt Cassel to John Elway (and for allowing the picture bove to appear online. Good one Simmons.)
• The picture of Greg Sasquapopovich is incredible.
• Bill Simmons needs to be made fun of for his toolish comment, and it must include Greg Popovich’s beard, and perhaps his crooked nose as well.
• I haven’t killed a Friday night enjoying the fruits of the magnetic lasso tool on Photoshop in a while.

And so, here I am.

In the mailbag (in case you decided not to read it), Bill Simmons is asked by someone who probably does not get laid very often, some guy from New York named of A.J. Schmitz, if Simmons will “please change” his profile photo for ESPN. A.J. Schmitz claims it is 7 years old, to which Simmons replies that it is, in fact, 7 years old.

Simmons then says there is a new picture of him to the right, and when I glanced over I was met with the horrific sight that you see to your right: San Antonio Spurs coach Greg Popovich, looking a lot like a 60-year old version of the aforementioned Dave Coulier from Full House, if Coulier were 60 and a jobless alcoholic. (And by now he may be, who knows.)

Well, as funny as the Popovich picture is, I think Bill Simmons can do better.

That is why I have taken the liberty of applying my completely worthless Photoshop skills to superimpose Greg Popovich’s magic beard on the ugly mug of America’s funniest sportswriter and most gratuitous/annoying Boston sports fanatic in the picture to your left. The background and title were just for shits and giggles.

If you really want to make a statement Simmons, use that as your new profile picture

Or this one – the greatest profile picture the world has ever known. Albert Jergens, you are my personal hero. A savior of mullets and animals, all in one man. If I am reincarnated upon the perishing of this life, I hope to come back as Albert Jergens or someone closely resembling his greatness.

Anyway, while I am displaying the pointless results of my night in Photoshop heaven (and the Jergens pic was not Photoshopped…amazingly, that’s real), I shall prove that I am not simply a cold-hearted and mean-spirited blogging goon who is jumping on the trendy sports blogger bandwagon of dissing Simmons and making fun of effeminate looking male veterinarians will gray mullets.

Simmons – why just say that Matt Cassel reminds you of John Elway? Do something about it. Let’s merge them together and create a Superquarterback who bursts on the scene after not playing since high school to start for the most successful football team of this decade, does helicopter flips into the endzone in big games, but who still gets that deer-in-the-headlights look every now and then because of his inexperience and forgets to put his helmet on right.
Ladies and gentlemen, Matt Casselway.

(By the way, John Elway actually has a similarly frightened look on his face in the original picture. View it here.)

I know have the same frightened look on my face as I realize that it is nearly 1:00 as I type this and Friday night has morphed into Saturday morning without anything even resembling social interaction taking place.

I guess the guys over at Fire Joe Morgan hit the nail on the head in their farewell post today:

Perhaps the future holds another project for us on which to waste massive amounts of time. For now, we will leave the site and the archives up as a testament to the fact that if you work hard enough, and blow off enough social occasions, and stare at the internet enough, and get nerdy enough, and repeatedly ignore entreaties from your friends and loved ones to please God stop blogging about Bill Plaschke and get out of the house it’s a beautiful day!, then you, too, can…have a blog.

And on that note, I’m out. Time for bed (or to go find some ridiculous pictures of Bill Plaschke to deface…like this one.)

Tags: bill plaschke, bill simmons, dave coulier, fire joe morgan, greg popovich, john elway, matt cassel

---------------

If you enjoyed this post, please consider sharing with your friends: