Dear DeSean Jackson
Two weeks ago, after your first week in the NFL, I watched you with a grin on my face in a post game interview as you shrugged and smiled about your first NFL appearance being a 100 yard game. “I’m just living that rookie life.” Well, like Adam Sandler shakes the fat kid’s face in Billy Madison, pleading with him to maintain his innocence, I, too, write to with the same emotion. Pleading with you, don’t go the way of other “locker room problem” receivers.
Monday night you looked like an asshole. I’ll spell it out for you. You dropped a touchdown cause you turn yourself on too much. If your self-obsession is a problem, go beat off in the mirror. Don’t cost your team six points. Any one of your douche bag friends, girlfriends or “buddies” who said, “It’s no big deal, you guys scored, anyway” is wrong. They clearly don’t know the scale of football you play. That was, perhaps, the greatest Monday night game ever and you win the “Biggest Idiot of the Greatest Game” award. If you didn’t have Brian Westbrook risk his neck on the next play, Andy Reid would have eaten you. After allowing a mob, donning Chase Utley jerseys, to pelt you with batteries and put you on the flat grill at Gino’s Steaks.
Just in case your memory is as piss poor as your judgment, here is a clip from Idiot Circus starring DeSean Jackson from Monday night. No…wait. It’s a clip of a professional football game. Funny how the line can get blurred when a clown steals the show.
Think back to your JV football coach. If you dropped that ball in practice he would have slapped the shit out of you, because that’s what America wanted to do to you last night. They wanted to slap the shit out of you. Philly fans wanted to hang you, but the rest of us just wanted to slap you. Brian Dawkins wanted to do it with his dick. I think I saw him mouth the words, “smack that rookie with a cock” on the sideline.
DeSean, we get it. You’re young, you’re rich, you run routes like a mother-effin laser and Donovan McNabb has been begging to meet you since he started in Philly, but, please, don’t go take that asshole reciever road. Football fans don’t want to see more off the field, on the field drama. (It might be par for the course in the NFC east but here in the central Da’ Coach would have broken your nose at halftime. 
It offends the Midwestern fans’ mild sensibilities.)
That act is tired. Don’t take the flash in the pan, the-only-thing-we-remember-you-for-is-the-antics, TO route. Sure, he’s a good receiver, TO might even be one of the best but the football populous will forever stand with the man who is better than him, in the books and in our hearts, Jerry Rice, (your personal mentor) because TO is a dick. You love to watch him catch the ball but when he crosses the goal line and you have to watch him celebrate, I roll my eyes and think, “I wish Jason Witten had caught that, so I don’t have to watch this.” Then I say, “I wish Greg Olsen was Jason Witten…” My brief reverie of talent aside, you get the point. The “I love me some me” mentality is selfish football.
You and me, we are almost the same age, and while TO’s antics of signing the camera, standing on the star, playing cheerleader made us laugh and were the highlights of shit-talking at pick up football games. That’s what it is – SHIT. The dude can’t stop talking shit. He still rags on Jeff Garcia. Jeff Garcia, the guy who looks more like he could be the IT guy at your office rather than veteran QB. Who rags on the friendly, balding IT guy? He’s always pretty helpful. Well, so is Jeff Garcia.
I’m pretty sure that even though TO has star power, if it wasn’t for the humble, saintly, nice guy demeanor of Tony “I-wouldn’t-be-mad-if-he-banged-my-sister” Romo, to balance out his ego, the Cowboys ship would have sunk by now. Don’t sink your super bowl quality team, DeSean. Hold on to the goddamn football, get jacked up but beware because if I see you doing sit-ups in your driveway while you talk shit about your QB, I’ll write another letter addressed to Philly but it will go like this…
“Dear Jon Runyan-
Please, take a dump in DeSean Jackson’s locker. He’s being a dick. Here’s a 100 dollar gift card to White Castle, hopefully that will help…”
That would likely send some sort of message but I’m hoping you’re not gonna make me spend 100 dollars at White Castle.
Love,
Sean
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