Chicago White Sox or Chicago Cubs – Tale of the Tape

by Jerod Morris

With only a few days before the calendar turns to September, the likelihood of a White Sox-Cubs World Series is still possible. It is so rare to have both teams in contention for playoff spots this late into the season. Thus, you will have to forgive White Sox and Cubs fans if they jump ahead of themselves a bit and daydream about a Windy City Series.

Who would have the advantage in a South Side-North Side battle? Let’s go to the tale of the tape, knowing what we know right now, for a completely objective, totally unbiased, and unequivocally fair analysis:

[Update: If you do not take the following opinions expressed by our author seriously, perhaps this opinion will sway your thinking.  That's right, none other than our future President agrees wholeheartedly that the White Sox are better than the Cubs.  Just thought you should know.  Now on the with the Tale of the Tape!]

Current Record: Chicago White Sox 74-56 | Chicago Cubs 80-50

Advantage: White Sox.

Now, you may wonder how an analysis claiming to be objective could reach such a conclusion. It’s very simple: The AL is better than the NL. 74 wins in the American League is actually the equivalent of 82 wins in the NL. Don’t believe me? There is plenty of sabermetrics to back me up. Click here Cubs fans…it is verified fact.

Manager: Ozzie Guillen | Lou Piniella

Advantage: White Sox. This is actually pretty easy. Ozzie has won a World Series with his current team during the current decade, while Piniella’s lone title came in 1990 with the Reds. Plus, Ozzie is a much better rapper. No one can understand what the hell he is ever saying, a prerequisite for solid MC’ing.

Stadium: Comiskey Park | Wrigley Field

Follow this undeniable string of logic: Wrigley Field has ivy…the most commonly known form of ivy is poison ivy…the Cubs are cursed (synonym: poisoned) and have not won a World Series in 100 years. Hence, your overrated dump of a stadium is part of the reason for your drought. Comiskey Park (or U.S. Cellular Field, if you must) has shot off fireworks in a World Series game in the last 5 years

Advantage: White Sox…go cry in your beers you dirty Bleacher Bums. Comiskey is the clear winner. Plus, I’d much rather spend time on 35th Street than Wrigleyville, but that’s just the testosterone talking.

Out of Nowhere Star: Carlos Quentin | Geovanny Soto

Let’s see…Carlos Quentin has an OPS of .975, has hit 36 HRs, has 99 RBIs, and is hitting about .800 in clutch situations. I’m exaggerating, but he does have more game-tying or game-winning RBIs from the 7th inning on than any other hitter in baseball. Geovanny Soto has an OPS of .869, has hit 19 HRs and driven in 71 runs while playing a tougher defensive position. But while he gets extra credit for playing catcher, he loses all credit for having this picture on the Internet in which he looks like a lesbian softball player. Come to think of it, are we sure he’s not? Wrigleyville is kinda freaky like that…

Advantage: White Sox

500 Home Run Hitters on Current Roster: Ken Griffey Jr. & Jim Thome | None

Advantage: White Sox (that was easy)

The A.J. Pierzynski Factor: The White Sox have him | The Cubs don’t

Look, A.J. Pierzynski is not a “better” player than Geovanny Soto. He isn’t a great hitter, he won’t wow you with stats, and he has a pretty rag arm. But he is an absolute winner. He made a head’s up play against Tampa Bay this weekend to stay in scoring position and eventually score the winning run, and we all remember what he did against the Angels in the 2005 playoffs. And those are just two examples. A.J. makes clutch plays and is an absolutely indispensible member of the White Sox for the intangibles he brings. Oh, and suck it Michael Barrett. Are you even in the Majors anymore?

Advantage: White Sox

Greatest Player of This Era: Frank Thomas | Sammy Sosa

Another shameless plug for the unnecessarily long and in-depth analysis I did of Frank Thomas and Sammy Sosa…but I started this blog so really the whole thing is just one big shameless plug for my drivel. (Writer’s Note: I actually did try to be legitimately objective in that one. Seriously. I promise, and I’m not trying to be sarcastic.) Feel free to waste an hour of your life reading it, or just look at the next line.

Advantage: White Sox

Voice of the Team: Hawk Harrelson | Harry Caray

Hawk Harrelson is the man, and even though Harry Caray is a baseball legend, the fact that Hawk knows what is going on more than 30 percent of the time gives him the tie breaker (though, admittedly, it probably is not much more than 30 percent). Plus, Hawk created the greatest home run call of all time (Yeeessss!), along with coining such incredible nicknames as The Big Hurt, El Caballo, and The Milkman. (Yes, that is actually Herbert Perry. Melvin Mora was apparently too busy thinking about his next steroid injection to help Herbert out.)

And again Cubs fans, before you start whining like you did when I dissed Wrigley Field that Harry Caray is a legend, and the voice of baseball, and blah blah frickin’ blah, remember one thing: He was with the White Sox before he was with you. Just like Sammy Sosa. Seriously, get your own heroes. Stop pilfering from the Superior Side. And Mark Grace sucked. (Thanks a lot for Jon Garland though. I hope you enjoyed Matt Karchner…I’m sure Garland enjoyed winning a World Series.)

Advantage: Way back, it could be, it is…You can put it on the board…White Sox!

World Series Titles During the Lifetime of Anyone Reading This: 1 | 0

Any explanation would just be rubbing it in. But who cares, let’s rub it in anyway. (And anytime you have a chance to diss Cubs fans by showing a World Series parade in Chicago that they will never experience, while also laughing at the cheesiness of Steve Perry, well it’s an opportunity that must be taken.)

Advantage: White Sox.

So there you have it sports fans. Nine categories. All nine in favor of the White Sox. After an unbiased analysis grounded completely in fact it is clear that the Chicago White Sox would have the upper hand in a South Side-Back Side matchup in the World Series.

Besides, it’s really a moot discussion anyway. The Cubs will never make it that far. We all know what you’ll do in the playoffs (if you can make it…)

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