Purdue: Curtis Painter for Heisman?

by Jerod Morris

This morning while sitting on the throne and taking care of business (I ate a huge meal at Chili’s last night…fyi) I read something in the Sporting News that made me want grab the plunger and plunge the wooden handle into my eye socket: Curtis Painter, senior quarterback at Purdue, has an official Heisman Trophy campaign.

What? Really?

The only reason I tell you that I was near a toilet while reading this story is that my first reaction should have been to dump the entire magazine into the crapper and flush immediately. Unfortunately, as if passing a car wreck on the side of the road, I simply could not resist the urge to read on.

Apparently, Purdue has invested money in creating DVDs and calendars entitled “Painting a Masterpiece” that promote Curtis Painter’s storied career at Purdue University. It includes all of his big game performances, clutch TD passes against top-ranked teams, and the leadership qualities he has displayed in leading Purdue to Big Ten titles and BCS appearances.

If you did not get smacked in the face with the sarcasm of that last statement, you’re a moron. If that were actually true, Purdue promoting Painter’s big game performances, it would be a pretty short DVD. The only one “painting a masterpiece” in this story is me while I was taking the Browns to the Super Bowl as I was reading.

What the hell is the world coming to? Curtis Painter is being heavily promoted for the Heisman Trophy? I always thought the criteria was “most outstanding player in college football”, not “senior quarterback on a mid-level BCS conference team who racks a bunch of stats against Eastern Illinois and South Idaho Tech…but he’s a senior quarterback, so why not?” Apparently this is what Purdue’s crack Sports Information Department thought.

Quick…name for me a memorable Curtis Painter performance that mattered.

Waiting…

Waiting…

And DO NOT say that he was MVP of the Motor City Bowl. Heisman Trophy candidates do not play in the Motor City Bowl! Ever! And this guy has an official Heisman campaign?

Purdue may as well promote Matt Painter or Curtis Jackson (aka 50 Cent…who I’m sure could complete a “bubble screen” and would at least provide some mobility when the pocket collapses…and yes, I’m stereotyping. Get over it.)

If Curtis Painter has a Heisman campaign, then there are a lot of other senior quarterbacks around the country who are completely undeserving based on merit but should now feel slighted. What about Todd Boekman for Heisman? He’s a senior quarterback on a team that is actually good and even though he sucked at the end of last season he played decent in some big spots last year. Oh wait…they have Beanie Wells, a legitimate Heisman candidate who has talent and doesn’t pee all over himself against good teams.

It got me to thinking though…if Curtis Painter is now a candidate for the Heisman trophy (he’s not in reality…but just for the sake of argument) who else now deserves consideration for major awards? How about Travis Hafner for AL MVP? Or Kelvin Sampson for Coach of the Year? Maybe Paul Walker will get an Oscar campaign someday. Perhaps John Edwards for Husband of the Year? Or how about we send out calendars and DVDs promoting Beano Cook for “Most Attractive Neck.”

The sad thing is that there is precedent for a turd like Curtis Painter being a legitimate Heisman candidate. What do Gino Torretta, Jason White, and Eric Crouch all have in common? Aside from the fact that they did nothing in the NFL (something Curtis Painter will share with them), they were all senior quarterbacks who won the Heisman Trophy even though there were clearly better players in college football that year.

However, there is one big distinction between them and Curtis Painter: THEIR TEAMS WERE GOOD! National championship good! Purdue will be a second-class citizen in a conference that isn’t all that good or deep in the first place. And his coach has a stupid mustache. Seriously…name the last player to play for a coach with a stupid mustache that won the Heisman trophy. This is yet another in the litany of strike against the Curtis Painter for Heisman campaign.

It just shocks me that a public university like Purdue could be allowed to throw away money like this. There are so many other positive things that the money could have been used for. Cancer research. Charitable donations. Even campus beatification. And think about all of the male Purdue students in bars wearing their plaid shirts tucked into jorts and trying to spit game on the lovely Purdue co-eds (and this case lovely is actually a synonym for “not lovely”) and getting shot down mercilessly. If the money used for “Curtis Painter for Heisman” had gone to purchasing these guys some decent clothes they might get ass once in a while. Then all the guys in West Lafayette wouldn’t walk around like they have sticks up their butts and they might get over the fact that their teams never win anything of significance and they might realize their error in consistently considering just being decent to be some sort of achievement.

So, consider this post to be the first of many official votes in the column of “Curtis Painter Has No Chance And Shouldn’t Even Be Considered for The Heisman Trophy.” After he cleans up against Purdue’s inferior non-conference schedule and Purdue is 4-0 and ranked #23 and all of their fans have dickjaurons (this is an inside joke term among the writing team of Midwest Sports Fans that means a very tiny erection, by the way) some idiot like Mark May will probably list Curtis Painter among their Heisman candidates. But then Purdue will lose a succession of big games and Painter will play terrible and we’ll never have to hear “Curtis Painter” and “Heisman” in the same sentence again.

Until then, just try your best not to impale yourself with the wooden rod of a plunger. I resisted the urge…somehow…after reading about this completely unnecessary and unwarranted Heisman campaign…and I’m sure you can too.

On another note, does anyone know when the Kellen Lewis for Heisman Campaign will officially begin?

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