Cleveland Indians: 10 Biggest Losers

by Jerod Morris

I received a message this evening from MSF.com Featured Author Ryan Russell informing me that he would be writing a Cleveland Indians blog tomorrow. There is no chance that I will allow the first post about the Cleveland 4thplacers to be positive.

So, to ensure that this does not occur, I am posting my own Cleveland Indians blog. There is so much venom, so much hatred, so much loathing that I feel for this entire franchise I could write for hours. I finally decided that the theme of my post would be the first thing that comes to mind when I think of the Cleveland Indians. That was easy. One very simple, accurate word:

Losers.

So without further adieu, I give you the Top 10 Losers in the last 15 years of Cleveland Indians sucking, in no particular order:

#10) Anyone who is an Indians fan. Your team sucks. Jose Mesa made sure that you will never win a World Series. And while I admire your commitment to sticking with your team, just know that you will never be rewarded with anything more than a fleeting playoff run like last season…followed shortly thereafter by a trade of your Cy Young Award Winning pitcher midway through the next season. Yeah…being an Indians fan is awesome!

#9) Paul Sorrento – Now, I realize the first thing that any Indians fan will mention is the obvious similarity between Sorrento and Paul Konerko. Same first name. Similar sounding last name. Same position. Both are slow, goofy white guys. Blah blah blah. The difference is that Paul Konerko is good, made All-Star teams, and won a World Series. The only thing that Paul Sorrento is winning is a “Stupidest Curly Mullet” content or an award for “Dumbest High School Yearbook Picture That Is Available Online.” Slap Paul Sorrento between two pieces of bread, drizzle some honey mustard on him, and throw in a few dill pickles, and you get the biggest turd sandwich ever. Total loser

#8) Bobby Howry – Yes, I realize he came up with the White Sox. However, look at these two pictures. If that doesn’t make him a loser, I don’t know what does. He left the White Sox a few years before WE WON THE WORLD SERIES, and has since played for 150 combined years of World Series futility. Good move Howry. I can excuse a guy for playing for the Indians after a successful White Sox career (Harold Baines, Jack McDowell, Jason Bere, etc.). But the Indians AND the Cubs? That, my friends, makes you a loser. Bobby Howry: loser.

#4-7) Travis Fryman, Omar Vizquel, Richie Sexson, Russell Branyan – Look, they all had a few moments of success here and there. And Vizquel is probably going to the Hall of Fame because Joe Morgan thinks he’s smooth at shortstop. But was there anything more flaming than Omar Vizquel turning a double play? …If you said Richie Sexson breathing, you’d be correct! Richie Sexson may be my least favorite player ever. Although he did provide KVB and I with plenty of laughter over the years. Considering the ramifications of his middle name being “Butt” was one of our favorite activities while watching the big 6’8 tool whiff at 99% of the pitches thrown at him. And Russell Branyan was pretty much Richie Sexson Lite…but even worse at baseball. Travis Fryman I really could care less about, but I know a lot of Indians fans don’t like him. By the way, that’s him above to the left…but his head’s cut off. Both of the kids standing next to him could have produced just as well as Fryman at the end of his career…So he’s on the list. All four of these turds: Total losers.

I’m going to take a quick break from my perfectly warranted and accurate Indians bashing to present you with Richard Dreyfuss. Why? Because when I searched for Omar Vizquel pics on Google Images, this picture of Richard Dreyfuss popped up. And I laughed my ass off. There are few things in life as funny as a still shot of Richard Dreyfuss. I think this picture was taken right after someone in the room asked “Who farted?” Clearly, the guilty cheek-parter was Dreyfuss. But he is looking in the direction of the questioner with a quizzical expression to divert suspicion from himself. But the guy sitting behind Dreyfuss clearly has a faceful of good ‘ol Richard’s noxious flatulence. So this picture is definitely from after Richard Dreyfuss tooted, and there is absolutely no reasonable argument to the contrary. Mr. Holland’s S-B-D.

Now back to the Indians bashing..

#3) Travis Hafner – They call him “Pronk”. That is the dumbest nickname I’ve ever heard. They s hould just call him Travis “I’ve Done Squat Since MLB Began Testing for Steroids” Hafner. Is there any doubt this guy was juicing and, as a result, is now incompetent and always injured? Umm…no. Plus, he’s ugly. Look, I’ll admit that he was a pretty scary hitter there for about 3 weeks a few years ago. Now? Is he even playing anymore? He’s the kind of guy that I wouldn’t even be able to like if I was a fan of his team. Something tells me Indians fans are starting to feel the same way. And I cut off his head because I’m fairly certain he does not possess the mental capacities of normal, contemporary human beings. He is like a big, dumb Neanderthal who just swings at everything…and now that his formerly prodigious strength has been sapped as a side effect of being off the juice, he is completely worthless. And a total, complete, miserable loser.

#2) Jim Thome – I know he’s on the White Sox. And he hit HR #500 as a member of the Good Guys. And I’m even starting to…little by VERY little…warm up to him as his bat heats up this season. But I am not the only White Sox fan who considers Jim Thome to be a curse. We were clearly the best team in baseball in 2006, the year after WE WON THE WORLD SERIES (not that I’m trying to rub it…*cough*1948…in or anything.). But the swap of Aaron Rowand, the heart and soul of the 2005 WORLD SERIES CHAMPION CHICAGO WHITE SOX, for our former enemy was simply too much to overcome. Ask the Cubs about curses…they can be deadly. The thing about Thome is that he was literally my least favorite player on those Indians teams from the mid-90s that could flat-out crush the ball…Albert Belle, Manny Ramirez, Carlos Baerga, Kenny Lofton…that was an exciting offense. I hated those guys, but respected them. Thome I pretty much just hated. And I know that KVB will back me up on this. So even though I am trying my hardest to let bygones be bygones and cheer for this guy, there is no way that I can make a Cleveland Indians Biggest Losers list and not include Jim Thome. Hawk Harrelson’s mancrush on him be damned…Jim Thome is still a loser. (and note to self…figure out how to import images so that it doesn’t cut off everyone’s head!)

And now…drumroll please…the biggest loser of the last 15 years of Cleveland Indians losing:

#1) Grady Sizemore – Is he a pretty good player? Yes. Let’s get that out of the way right now. Is he wildly overrated also? Abso-frieking-lutely. I love Peter Gammons, but if you listen to him you would think that Grady Sizemore is Joe DiMaggio, Mickey Mantle, and Junior Griffey (I HATE it when people call him that) all rolled into one. Well, he’s not. He doesn’t hit for a great average, he hits lots of home runs with no one on base, and most importantly, he’s a metrosexual, curly-haired, mamma’s boy, 8th-inning-solo-shot-in-a-10-2-game LOSER. Some people just are not winners. Like Alex Rodriguez. Tracy McGrady. The Kansas City Royals. The NHL. Ryan Russell in the first Madden game of the night against Jerod. Add Grady Sizemore to the list, because he is not a winner. I predict that as long as he’s prancing around centerfield for the Indians he will put up good stats, and the closest he’ll ever come to winning anything significant was last year. Eventually he and “Pronk” will retire into obscurity and film local car dealership commercials in Cleveland with some stupid “Odd Couple” theme to them. I envision this happening…and right now you agree with me. Grady Sizemore is nothing more than a box score wonder who will put up stats and purposely drop the soap in the shower. GIANT loser.

Please feel free to express your empty and meaningless disagreements in the comments section Indians fans. But be forewarned, I own the ultimate trump card. (see below, right…WE WON THE WORLD SERIES!). Can any of your great-grandfathers even say that? And if you have a problem with anything in this post, email ozzie@ericwedgeisaclown.com. Then don’t be surprised if an angry Venezuelan shows up at your house at 3am to give you his own rebuttal.
Ozzie Guillen is the man.

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