Chicago Celebrates Resignation of Jay Mariotti

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Chicago Celebrates Resignation of Jay Mariotti

The city of Chicago has announced that it will hold a parade in celebration of Jay Mariotti’s departure from the Chicago Sun-Times. Parade sponsors include the White Sox, Cubs, Bulls, Bears, and all citizens of Chicago.

Chicago, IL – Word broke late last night that notorious Chicago sportswriter Jay Mariotti, a future first ballot inductee into the Turd Hall of Shame, was resigning from his post as Sports Blowhard at the Chicago Sun-Times. Unfortunately Jay the Joke, as he is often referred, made no mention of giving up his seat at the Roundtable of Nonsense otherwise known as ESPN’s Around the Horn.

According to longtime Chicago sports fan Jevin Morriline, today’s announcement was “an act of divine intervention proving the unyielding benevolence of God.” It appears as if Morriline is not alone in sharing such a feeling

The city of Chicago, led by Mayor Ozzie Guillen and Secretary of Ducksnort Ken “Hawk” Harrelson, have announced that plans are being developed for a city-wide parade to celebrate the departure of Jay Mariotti.

The proposed route for the parade would begin at U.S. Cellular Field and end a few blocks North of City Hall. It is the same route the 2005 Chicago White Sox went on when they won a World Series that Jay Mariotti never thought was possible.

The following is an official statement made by Mayor Ozzie Guillen and released to Midwest Sports Fans this afternoon:

“F&%k Yay Mariotti. Yay is a piece of $h!t and a idiot and the whole f&%king city of Chee-cago is happy to f&%king see that motherf&%ker go.”

Hawk Harrelson could not be reached for comment. However, sources close to the batting glove inventor and long-time admirer of Ted Williams, Rusty Greer, and George Brett claim that Hawk spent most of the day skipping around the basepaths at U.S. Cellular field shouting “He Gone” to a joyous, melodic beat.

The reasons for Mariotti’s departure are unknown. Some have speculated that he was afraid of walking out of his house and his very rational fear finally got to him.

According to one source, Mariotti had been having a recurring nightmare in which he walked out of his house to leave for work and was jumped by Ozzie Guillen, Lou Piniella, Jerry Reinsdorf and pretty much every other Chicago sports figure of the past two decades, all of whom have felt the wrath of Jay Mariotti’s putrid drivel that was passed along by the Sun-Times as sportswriting.

There are others who believe that Mariotti’s father had a large hand in his decision. Theologians agree that a Cubs victory in the World Series, shockingly a realistic possibility if Rich Harden can somehow stay healthy, would bring about the Apocalypse. At such a point in time, Satan will return to Earth for his favorite son. However, Satan refuses to be only the second most hated being walking among humanity.

According to sources close to the douchebag, Jay Mariotti was pressured by Satan to perform an act that would “bring great joy to the world at large.” The thought was that this would reduce the intense level of hatred projected upon Mariotti from sports fans everywhere.

Rather than do something good for someone else, however, Mariotti’s solution was to shine the limelight on himself one more time and resign on the even of a slow news day so that all of the attention would be on him; but despite this inherent selfishness, Jay Mariotti did succeed in bringing joy to all of mankind.

“Even I wanted to kick his ass sometimes,” said Mahatma Gandhi. “Heaven help whatever city he terrorizes next. Perhaps he will just go away forever.”

That, unfortunately, is not likely. The reason given by Jay Mariotti for his resignation, according to an article in the Chicago Tribune and first noticed by Midwest Sports Fans on Deadspin.com, is that sports journalism is much more focused on the web as opposed to hardcopy newspapers. Mariotti claims that he is now “talking with a lot of Web sites.” It is unclear if the Web sites say anything back or if Jay Mariotti’s computer just sits there silently wishing he would shut up like the rest of us do.

As Jevin Morriline said, “Leave it to Jay Marrioti to claim that he can communicate with Web sites. That pompous son of a Lupica probably thinks he can communicate with animals and Woody Paige also.”

Ozzie Guillen and Hawk Harrelson reportedly will announce final plans for the Jay Mariotti – He Gone! Parade before the weekend.

[UPDATE: According to official White Sox source, Ozzie Guillen laughed at the notion of a parade for Jay Mariotti upon reading this press release. He then proceeded to leave tonight’s game against Baltimore to seek out the writer of this completely fabricated story to kick his ass for making up quotes.]

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