Who is the Best QB in the AFC North?

by Jerod Morris

For those of you who read the Chicago White Sox – Chicago Cubs Tale of the Tape, you know that I am capable of nothing less than absolute objectivity. Well, with football season on the horizon, I have decided to extend my aptitude for objective analysis to a burning and pertinent NFL question: Who is the best quarterback in the AFC North?

To answer this question, let’s begin by first removing all Baltimore quarterbacks from the equation. Whoever starts for Baltimore, be it Troy Smith, or Joe Delaware, or Kyle Boller, or Brian Billick…it doesn’t matter. When one of the backups in your division (Brady Quinn) is clearly better than any of your starters, you do not get to enjoy being part of a debate like this.

So as we set out to decide who the best QB is in the AFC North, we have three candidates: Carson Palmer, Ben Roethlisberger, and Derek Anderson. Who is the best?

Touchdowns thrown in 2007:

Carson Palmer threw 26, Ben Roethlisberger threw 32, and Derek Anderson threw 29. Advantage Roethlisberger right? Not so fast.

Remember, Derek Anderson did not start the first game of the season. He lost a coin toss to Charlie Frye. However, in his first start against Cincinnati he threw 5 TDs. Thus, if he was destined to throw 5 TDs in his first start, which he clearly was, then he would have accumulated 33 for the season (he threw one in Week 1 anyway despite not starting). I am, of course, assuming that he still would have thrown 5 against Cincinnati in Week 2. He would have. Their defense blows, and he threw 4 against them in Week 16.

Advantage: Derek Anderson

Interceptions thrown in 2007:

Derek Anderson threw 19, Carson Palmer threw 20, and Ben Roethlisberger threw 11. Once again, you might think that the statistics are clearly in Big Ben’s favor. And yet, again, you would be wrong. 11 Ints? That tells me that Roethlisberger is not taking enough chances down field. If you never push your chips to the middle of the table, how can you ever win a big pot?

Derek Anderson is more than willing to air it out and keep his main man Braylon Edwards happy. We all know that success in the NFL revolves around keeping your #1 WR happy. Don’t believe me? Answer this for me: Who had the best records in the NFL last year? New England, Dallas, and Indianapolis. Who were the most productive and happiest WRs in the league? Randy Moss, Terrell Owens, and Reggie Wayne.

Who do you think was happier – Braylon Edwards or Santonio Holmes? If you said Santonio Holmes then you probably also think that Bill Cowher’s sweater when he retired was cool.

This year, the combo of Derek Anderson and Braylon Edwards will join the aforementioned trio as one of the four elite QB-WR tandems in the NFL. This kind of connection is a must in today’s air-it-out NFL and will lead the Browns to the AFC North title and a playoff berth. If Derek Anderson has to throw a few picks in an effort to take some chances and keep Braylon happy, so be it. His 40 TDs this year will more than compensate.

And at least he didn’t throw 20 picks last year, which is the official threshold where you’re throwing too many and you suck. Sorry Carson Palmer.

Advantage: Derek Anderson

But enough about individual stats. Playing quarterback is about winning games.

Who won more games last year?

Carson Palmer won 7, while Derek Anderson and Roethlisberger officially tied for 10. However, we already established that Derek Anderson would have thrown for 5 TDs had he started the opening week’s game. That would mean Cleveland would score at least 35 points. Pittsburgh scored 34 points in week 1. Hence, had Derek Anderson not lost that ludicrous coin flip, Cleveland would have won 35-34 at a minimum. This would have given Derek Anderson 11 wins and a playoff berth and an AFC Title. Advantage: Derek Anderson

Who is cooler?

Let’s get Carson Palmer out of the way right off the bat. The picture below is an actual advertisement that he agreed to do.

Definitely not cool, and he has to have lost the respect of his teammates for this.

Now let’s move onto Ben Roethlisberger. First off, he screwed his team over by riding a motorcycle without a helmet, clearly violating his contract. (No Cleveland Brown player would ever do that!) And here is an actual photo of Ben right before he took off on his unfortunate motorcycle misadventure. Not cool. What about

Derek Anderson? He threw for 29 (actually 33) TDs in his first year as a starter. You have to be cool to do that. He is good friends with a Playboy Playmate, Sara Jean Underwood. Very cool. And people get him confused with a silky-smooth former NBA swingman. This is much better than being confused with Carson Daly or a menu item at Fuddruckers. (FYI…if you haven’t had the RoethlisBurger yet, you really should try it. It’s just two buns with no meat, plus a little bit of ketchup if you so desire.)

Advantage: Derek Anderson

Who would get beaten up by their backup quarterback?

Again, let’s get Carson Daly out of the way right off the bat. Are you noticing a theme here? Carson Palmer is clearly the 3rd best QB in the AFC North. Anyway, I once again remind you of the above picture. He’s probably already been beaten up by the backup quarterback and all of the other criminals on the Bengals. Could that be the explanation for the broken nose?

Big Ben’s new backup is Byron Leftwich, who is 6-5, 250 lbs. Ben Roethlisberger is 6-5, 241. So he’s only giving up 9 lbs. However, Ben Roethlisberger is white. Byron Leftwich is not. All else being equal, I’m taking the brother if there is a rumble.

 

What about Derek Anderson? Well, let’s take a quick look at his backup quarterback:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yeah…umm…perfectly sculpted biceps or not, unless it’s a tickle fight Derek Anderson is kicking Brady Quinn’s ass hands down.

Time to tally up the categories: Derek Anderson – 5, Ben Roethlisberger – 0, Carson Palmer – 0. We have a winner!

Based on the inarguable logic and pictorial evidence presented in this post, Derek Anderson is clearly and objectively the best quarterback in the AFC North. If you feel that you have a worthwhile contradiction, by all means present it in the comments.

Otherwise, enjoy watching the Browns’ ascent to the top of the AFC North this season. We all know that quarterback play determines the majority of the games in the NFL, and the Browns obviously have the best signal-caller in the division.

[Full Disclosure: If it was not readily apparent, the author of this piece possesses a general and irrational hatred for Ben Roethlisberger because he is the Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback and because Ryan Russell has first hand knowledge that Big Ben is a Big Tool (perhaps he’ll enlighten us in the comments?).

Also, read this line from Ben Roethlisberger’s old Miami (Ohio) player page:

“broke the school single-game passing record vs. Akron throwing for 399 yards, including a 70-yard "Hail Mary" to Eddie Tillitz to win the game as time expired.”

Let’s just say that a member of the author’s immediate family was prominently involved in Akron football at that time, so listening to the radio broadcast of the Hail Mary was devastating. Damn you Ben Roethlisberger. Damn you.]

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